Other Fan Fiction ❯ The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything ❯ Aww, Look, Everyone's All Mad... ( Chapter 5 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

Authors' Note: Okay, just to let you all (all being basically Sir Gawain—see, we mentioned you AGAIN! Are you getting that we kinda appreciate you?) know, this chapter was supposed to be up LAST weekend. But Adara—who was, after all, in charge of uploading this installment—has been neglectful and dummy-like, and, oh, gosh, let's just say it, lazy. So, we're late. Our apologies, kind sir! All three bow So, on with the chapter, yes?

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Chapter 5

The sun was already beginning to set before Benji and Miguel started to stir. Benji woke first, and lay with his lover's head on his chest, stroking the long red hair thoughtfully.

In retrospect, it was hard to believe that the two of them had actually gotten this far. Having gone from a penniless, wretched waste of human life to the not-so-well-respected-but-still-loved-to-a-certain-extent captain of a pirate ship, the Cuban was well-versed in reversals of fortune, but still…this wasn't just luck. This was a miracle. (Of course, the captain had no idea how many times a day his first mate thought the same about him.) It was quite remarkable, really, how strong their bond had remained even after so many years apart; and with any luck, it would stay just as strong for years to come.

Laying here like this, with Miguel curled up tightly at his side, the idea wasn't a hard one for Benji to imagine. After all, they had come this far…

Now if only Erik would open his eyes and start pursuing the same thing.

God, but that man was blind! He was clearly gayer than a tree full of monkeys on nitrous oxide, and he was even more clearly attracted to Jiro. There should be nothing in the way of the pursuit of that gayness, and yet there Erik was, continuing to be as emotionally stunted as it was possible to be.

What is wrong with people?

The captain was shaken out of this somewhat disturbing line of thought when Miguel stirred next to him.

Smiling, Benji pressed a kiss to his lover's forehead. “Rise and shine, starlight!”

Miguel scowled at the label and buried his face in Benji's chest. “No.”

“But you've slept all afternoon!”

“…What time is it?”

“Sun's almost down.”

“…Then it's almost time to go to sleep again. No point in moving now. `Night, Benny!”

Benji laughed. “Oh, no, you don't! Come on, up you get!”

“No.”

“Aww, c'mon, Miguel.”

“Uh-uh.”

“Pwease?”

“Nope.”

“But—”

“Die.”

“Miguel.”

“Die twice.”

XXX

“That was really pretty,” Erik commented in a quiet murmur as the sun sank below the horizon.

Jiro didn't reply. He had never really been the sunset type—it wasn't that he didn't like them; he simply didn't have the time. But now, sitting next to Erik and facing an endless expanse of water and sky…sitting in a place where everything felt real and nothing seemed wrong…the chaplain began to wonder why he had never made time.

“…Jiro?”

“Hmm?” Jiro asked, startled out of his thoughts.

“Still with me?”

“Hm. Too many replies. I cannot pick.” And with that rather confusing comment, Jiro turned and dropped off the railing that they'd been sitting on, smiling slightly as Erik followed suit. “Where's the captain?”

“…Er.”

XXX

“BEEENJIII, NOOO! Now nice, Benji! Go `waaay!”

Benji grinned as he followed Miguel at a run, bursting through their cabin door and into the shadowy evening. “That hurts, Miguel. And here I thought you loved me…”

“Yeah, well, I've changed my mind! EEEP!”

The pirate captain's smile grew as he tackled his lover and started tickling him mercilessly.

“Bad Benji! Bad!” Miguel scolded, trying to sound stern and failing utterly due to the fact that he was already breathless with laughter. “RAAAPE! MOLESTATION!!! DOOOOOOOOOOOM!”

Erik and Jiro blinked as they looked on, caught between rescuing the first mate and enjoying the show.

“…Er…think we should rescue him?” Jiro finally asked.

“In a minute,” Erik replied.

CRASH.

“…Or not.”

Benji froze, and Miguel took the opportunity to squirm out of reach. The four men rushed over to the railing just as the Archangel took a sudden lurch backward, knocking all standing members to their bums and forward again. Then the members rolled around helplessly (not to mention ungracefully) and landed on their backs…again!

Benji sat up, looking very perturbed. “What the—”

“WHEEEEEEE!” Rin shouted, swinging wildly from the mast, a rope wound securely around her waist while she performed acrobatics.

“…Hell?” Benji finished as he found his footing again.

“Hi, Rin.” Miguel waved.

“HELLO! I'M A FLYING SQUIRREL!”

Erik rubbed his head, looking around slowly. “Where's Jiro?”

“You're…crushing him…” the chaplain stated painfully as Erik quickly rolled off of him.

“I…erm…sorry, Jiro. Need me to stitch you up again?”

“That anxious to get my shirt off again? Erik, you dog…” Jiro teased, a little half-heartedly because he really was in pain.

“No, of course not! I mean, you're very attractive…ACK! I didn't mean that! You're probably attractive to someone—”

Benji laughed. “Keep digging. Make sure to tell me if you find the Goblet of Perpetual Mountain Dew!”

“Permission to shove my foot down my throat…?” Erik sighed.

“No need. You're straight. I get it. Really. Can't blame a guy for wanting to see you blush, though.” Jiro smiled, brushing back Erik's hair and getting to his feet.

“Eh? I'm sorry, but did he just…?” Erik paused, as if calculating something.

“He gave up?” Benji turned to Miguel, stunned.

“Oh, no, he's too persistent,” Miguel clarified.

“How would you know?”

“Benji! Do you know who I am?”

“Of course I do! But more importantly, who are they?! And why is there a hole in my ship!?” Benji shrieked and waved expansively at the giant-sized hole in the ship.

XXX

PAIN!

Hiei rocked forward out of Kurama's arms, gripping his head. “Ow!”

Kurama, noticing the lack of weight lying on his chest, woke up. “Hiei, are you all right?”

“Benji…” Hiei growled.

“What?”

“He…” the captain muttered, clutching his hair tighter.

“What, Hiei? What did Benji do?”

“Benji has done something…stupid…”

Just then, a man rowed by in a tiny rowboat.

Hiei, becoming slightly distracted by the rowing man (and the fact that the lookout didn't note him), rolled back into Kurama's arms without another word.

Kurama kissed the top of the black-haired man's head. He, too, decided to go back to sleep as Hiei started to snore softly beside him.

Silence.

“Wait! What's with the dude in the rowboat?!” the redhead wondered.

“…Co…co…nut…” Hiei mumbled.

Kurama shrugged. “Works for me…”

XXX

“BENJAMIN!”

Benji closed his eyes and silently begged for lightning to strike him before turning in the direction of the scream. He looked over at the Revenge, at the figure running across the deck, somehow looking oddly garbed…

“OH, MY GOD, PUT SOME CLOTHES ON, MAN!”

Hiei gave his Evil Death Face of Doom—though the effect was marred slightly by his attempt to keep firm hold of the sheet wrapped around him. “THERE IS A HOLE IN MY SHIP, BENJAMIN!”

“I AM LOOKING AT A SEMI-NAKED YOU! I THINK MY COMPLAINT IS THE VALID ONE HERE!”

“IT'S A BIG HOLE! A GAPING HOLE! AND IT IS IN THE SIDE OF MY SHIP!”

“IT'S NOT YOUR SHIP! YOU GAVE IT TO ME!”

“WHICH I NEVER WOULD HAVE DONE IF I'D KNOWN THAT THE SECOND I LEFT YOU ALONE YOU'D DO THIS!”

“WELL, I'VE NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN LEFT ALONE, HAVE I?! YOU ARE STALKING ME, YOU LITTLE CREEP!”

“OH, SUCK IT UP YOU DRAMA QUEEN!” Hiei screamed, his hand loosening on the sheet.

“KEEP HOLD OF THAT, ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!”

“Nah, it'd just be a fringe benefit. What I am doing is preparing to swim over and cause you pain.”

“Well, if that involves the removal or partial removal of that sheet, I beg you to slit my throat first.”

“But I'd have to swim over there to do it.”

“…D'oh!”

Benji was in the midst of trying to beat the image out of his own brain when Miguel walked over.

“Benny, stop, you'll concuss yourself. Didn't you notice the giant ship making its hold in the side of the Archangel? It's rather big, see. And now water is flooding into the ship from the giant hole. And that man over there on the deck is yelling at us and shaking his first and I'm not quite sure why. And—OH, HIEI NAKED! NAKED HIEI!”

Benji put an arm around Miguel as the little redhead hid his face in his hands. “I know,” he said, patting his lover on the back. “I know. This sight is gonna haunt me until the day I die.” Suddenly, his face brightened, and he turned Miguel to face him. “Hey, could you make that day come a little sooner?”

Miguel frowned at him, sticking out his lower lip. “No, `cause then there'd be no one to do it for me.”

“Well…well, we could stab each other at the same time and then we could both—”

But Miguel was already shaking his head. “But one or both of us might survive that, Erik's too good a doctor. Poison isn't a sure thing, either. And if I slit your throat you'd die too fast to do me. Same with neck-snapping. Hanging we may just strangle, and someone'd be sure to find us…” He sighed. “I see no sure way. Sorry, Benny.”

Benji frowned. “You've failed me. Your enormous, squishy frontal lobes have not done their duty. We have lost the trust, Miguel. The trust is gone.”

“Aw, Benny—”

“Don't be using that name when we've lost the trust.”

At this point in the conversation, Hiei brought somewhat of a diversion by dropping his sheet and leaping into the water, causing both Benji and Miguel to scream, throw their arms over their faces, and dive for cover—Miguel behind a conveniently-placed stack of crates and Benji…into the ocean.

He found himself landing within three feet of the irate Hiei.

“OH, COME ON!”

“Yes!” Hiei said gleefully. “You have dived—diven? Dove? Doved? Ah, well, you're in the water now and AT MY MERCY! Bwahahahah—”

“Hiei-love?”

That one phrase stopped Hiei's words in his throat, and he blushed from the roots of his hair all the way to the tips of his toes as he turned in the water to face Kurama, who had just stumbled out onto the deck dressed in one of Hiei's T-shirts and looking exhausted.

“Yes, Kurama?” Hiei called, with admirable dignity considering the circumstances.

“What're ya doin'?” Kurama slurred.

“Nothing. Just…well, Benji broke the ship again, and I'm going over to take care of the problem.”

“Oh. I wanna help.”

“No, that's okay. Go back to bed.”

“But I wanna fight.”

“No, no fighting. The only fighting that will occur here will be my bashing Benji's head in, and he's enough of a wimp that I can do it myself.”

“Hey!”

“Benjamin-Gueverra-you-are-already-treading-on-a-minefield- don't-make-things-worse-for-yourself,” Hiei hissed very fast, and then called to Kurama, “Go back to sleep, Kurama.”

“Mm…`kay…” Kurama mumbled, already heading back to bed.

As Kurama disappeared, Hiei turned back to Benji as if there had been no interruption. “Now, what do we do about the giant hole in my ship?”

“MY SHIP, DAMN YOU!”

“Well, I just took it back, didn't I?”

“Nooo….but…but that's not fair! Why?”

“Don't try to be Miguel! You're not even convincing!”

“Speaking of Miguel…he's in big…biiiig trouble, Benji!” Miguel wailed.

“See! Miguel does it so much better!” Hiei added smugly.

“Well, duh, ya think?” Benji retorted.

“Beeenjiii…”

“Not now, Miguel!”

“You're a big dummy dork brain, Benji,” Hiei said coolly, with no hint of sarcasm whatsoever.

“You slash me with your words.”

“Benji! It's really important!”

“Miguel, me and Hiei are having a very important conversation right now about my ship. Nothing is more important than that.”

“Okay, Benji…”

“Thank you, Miguel.”

“So when you're done could you ask this person to remove his rather sharp knife from my neck?”

“Miguel say what?”

When Benji glanced over at his ship, he noticed a few subtle differences. A whole other crew was on the deck, one of them had Miguel well-acquainted with their knife, and his ship was slightly lower in the water.

“Umm…I told you they were mad…” Miguel said, waving nervously.

Oh, yeah, Benji thought. Not gonna stop feeling guilty about that one for another thousand years or so…

“Are you quite finished?” the—captain?—of the other ship asked impatiently.

“Benji, can I punch him now?” Miguel asked plaintively.

“Of course you can, love,” Benji replied.

Miguel beamed. “Yay! But you gotta watch, `cause I've been waiting and waiting for you to pay attention so's I could get away, and I think this guy's been takin' advantage of my fake vulnerability!”

“DID YOU JUST SAY THAT GUY TOOK ADVANTAGE OF YOUR FAKE VIRGINITY?!”

Miguel blinked, then turned and asked his captor politely, “Could you stick that in my throat now, please?”

The man shrugged. “Sure, I can do that.”

“Hey, hey, hey!” Miguel squealed, offended. “I didn't mean literally! You could be a little more courteous!”

“Courteous?” Mr. Knife Holder said incredulously. “I'm holding a knife to your throat!”

“That's no reason to be rude. There is no excuse for rudeness!” Miguel chided, shaking his finger at the air in front of him because he couldn't actually turn around.

“Are you…quite drunk?” the man asked uncertainly.

Miguel appeared to mull this over. “Maybe…a little…yeah…” he replied blissfully.

“YESS! FINALLY!” Benji shouted joyfully, punching the air.

“I'm going to hit you now,” Miguel informed the man holding him, raising his elbow.

Once the guy was out cold, Miguel stepped away and said, “See? Politeness! It's the freaking wave of the freaking future. BENI, I AM GOING TO FEED YOU YOUR OWN FEET!”

“Uh…but…why?”

“Because they do, after all, seem to reside in your mouth an awful lot.”

“Whaddya me—”

“MY FAKE VIRGINITY, BENJI?!”

What happened nextly (Note: Yes, we do realize this is not a word. We accept it. We revel in it. Get over it. End note.) had a lot to do with Rin falling from the sky and screaming, “BOOMY TIME NOW?!”

Miguel threw his hands in the air. “Go wild, I'm goin' fishin'…”

“Yay! Boom, boom, boom! Boomy boom!” Rin cheered as she blasted.

Meanwhile, Miguel had dragged Benji on deck, but refused to bring Hiei up because he was so blatantly nude.

Feeling very much indifferent about the whole thing, Hiei decided it was best to go back to Kurama and let Benji sink.

Miguel held out his hand to help Benji up, but as soon as he was on the ship he dropped him on his bum.

“Ouch…I didn't mean anything by it, really…”

“Bite me entirely, Benji.”

“Er…okay.”

“That was not an offer. Now go fight Benji.”

“Yes, ma'am…” Benji pouted, grabbing a weapon and doing what he was told. “Man, I really hope he doesn't make me sleep in the brig.”

XXX

“Well, I took out about six, and Miguel got twelve, and Benji got…two.” Rin finished tallying and lowered her hands, turning to Miguel. “How come you hogged the army?”

“I got more than two!” Benji protested.

“Nuh-uh. You did only get two,” Miguel said. “Cross my heart.”

“Well…well, okay, but you guys got all the little ones! I got the big fat ones!”

“Benji! That's mean!”

“Well, yeah! One of them nearly knifed you!”

“Yeah, well, he got his. I threw him in between Berkley and a platter of pink marshmallow coconut balls,” Miguel said indifferently.

Rin stared, slack-jawed. “When did you have time to do that?”

Benji, however, simply grinned and pulled Miguel tight against his side. “He's just awesome like that.”

Miguel smiled up at him, and stood on tiptoe for a kiss.

Rin made retching noises.

Benji shoved her into the ocean and went on with the very important task of makin g out with his Spaniard.

Until…

“Benji?”

“Yes?”

“I think I'm gonna pass out drunk now.”

And he did.

XXX

After Benji Revives Miguel

“I dun like bein' drunk…”

“Really? I'm kinda enjoyin' it.”

“Eh…”

“Miguel, I'm lying on your foot.”

“So?”

“So it's uncomfortable.”

“I don't care. You were mocking me.”

“Move your foot, Miguel.”

“No! It's my new weapon! From now on my foot will haunt you! Every time you try to sit, my foot will be there!”

“What if I crush it under my bum?”

“You can't! My foot transcends the power of your bum!”

“…You are gonna be in some serious pain in the morning.”

“Don't change the subject.”

“I don't even know what the subject is!”

“Sure ya do! It's…it's…”

Silence.

“…Miguel?”

Snore.

XXX

Meanwhile, In Cuba

“So then—and get this, this is the best part—”

Keiko fished in the bottom of her glass for the cherry, and swallowed before resuming the story she was telling her terrorized, forced-to-be-barmates.

“I decide I've just about had enough of him, and so I kill him.”

“WILL YOU STOP TELLIN' PEOPLE I'M DEAD? I'M RIGHT HERE, YOU LOONY!”

“Oh, go slip into something more comfortable. Like a coma,” Keiko replied flatly, turning back to the wide-eyed, frightened bar patrons.

“Now, someone can buy me another drink and I'll tell you about the time Yusuke's ex came to town…”

XXX

Shura turned the page. “One think I love about this book, more than all the rest, is that you're not in it.”

Yomi shrugged. “You're not in it, either. So I'm counting my blessings.”

“Why are you still here?”

“To make sure you don't botch up the story like you did a while ago…”

“When did I botch it up? I don't recall, olderly person.”

“Not gonna tell you…”

“That's because it didn't happen.”

“Totally did.”

“Ack, no! You…trying to be modern! It hurts!”

“Well, if you must know…”

“Had you been paying attention…”

“La la la la la, decrepit!”

“You would've noticed the new character…”

“What? New character? Where?”

“I've done my damage…”

“Tell meeee!”

XXX

The Next Morning

After the other pirates had been dealt with, Benji surveyed the damage from the crow's nest. “Look what they did! This is gonna take weeks to repair! The paint is chipped! See, there and…there!”

“We can repair it once we hit Spain,” Rin offered. “And shouldn't you be with Miguel? Isn't he in a lot of pain…”

Benji blinked. “You're right! I should tell Miguel about the paint,” he said thoughtfully, swinging down from the mast and rushing to his cabin.

“I said pain, not paint!” Rin sighed, her eye twitching visibly. “…Men…”

XXX

“Miguel, love, are you up yet?” Benji poked the lump of blankets on the bed.

It shifted and moaned. “Never drinkin' alcohol `gain…”

“Aww, my poor Miguel…” Benji pouted and hugged the Miguel-shaped lump.

“I-I'm okay.” Miguel shivered. “It's a self-inflicted illness. How's the ship?”

“Paint's chipped, giant hole, those other guys got off easy…” Benji relayed while he kissed Miguel on the head, tenderly.

“Well…they were trying to loot us. I don't think they care.”

“They were…I thought they were merchants.”

“Not every ship is a merchant ship. We've been through this…”

“I know. There's us, Hiei and Kurama, Jin and Touya…even though I missed their ship…and everyone else is a merchant, right?”

“…I don't have time for this.”

XXX

“See?! No botching! I win again, dusty old fart!”

“Read on…” Yomi smirked.

XXX

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to the crew, a stowaway was present.

His name was Monroe Fizerpatswezy.

And he was slowly slinking his way into the brig. “Maybe I can hide in here…”

Unfortunately for the Archangel's new stowaway, he opened a cage that shouldn't be opened in a place that shouldn't be a place.

For the thing that lived there was grotesque…

Poor Monroe didn't know of the danger that he'd released until it was too late.

It was closing in on its prey now…

Monroe blinked at it, squinting through the darkness. “Hello, there…aren't you a feisty…thing?”

“HUGGLEMUFFINS!”

“Huggle what?”

CHOMP!

“Ouch! Hey, let go, you might hurt something…” the stowaway yelped, waving his hand, complete with its new accessory—Berkley.

CRASH!

XXX

Silence falls over the set as Monroe and Berkley finish their scene, and everyone waits patiently.

Ava, after several minutes: Uh…does anyone know where Li is?

Entire crew: ……

Adara: claps hands Yes! I've always wanted to do this! Takes deep breath and bellows CU—

Li: runs by screaming THAT'S MY JOB AND IF YOU FINISH THAT WORD I WILL BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH A CHEESE WEDGE!

Cheese Man: pops out of the ground Ooh, I can lend you one! Offers cheese wedge

Li: Aw, thanks, honey, but I gotta hide!

Ava: What? Why? What's wrong? Are we under attack? Do I need my frying pan?

Li: No, we're not under attack. It's worse. Much worse. Indescribably worse. It's…it's…

Adara: impatiently Li! What?

Li: wails IT'S THE IRS!

Everybody on set: NO! begins looking for large pieces of furniture to hide behind

Adara: What do they want with you, Li?

Li: Well…I…uh…I might have made a little mistake on when my taxes were due…

Ava: gasps and points Capone!

Li: …Eh?

Ava: They got him for tax evasion.

Li: stares I have no idea what you're talking about. All's I know is, this is my worst nightmare.

Cut to Li's future again, many years from now. Li and her children are all gathered in the dumpster they live in, sitting around an open back of BBQ sauce.

Lil' Puke: scratches long, gray, straggly beard and leans forward, holding out a tiny bowl Please, ma'am, may I have some more?

Li: No! evil face

Lil' Puke: shrinks

BANG, BANG, BANG!

Voice: IRS! Open up!

Li: ponders IRS! What's that mean?

Lil' Puke: Um…I think it's…

Li: Shut up. I didn't ask you. pushes up lid of dumpster and pops her head out Whaddya want?

IRS Agent #1: Hello, ma'am, my name's Seymour Butts. This is Fideous McFloogenshorts. We're here to take possession of all your worldly goods.

Li: quirks an eyebrow O…kay…good luck with that. `Specially since I don't have any worldly goods…

Fideous McFloogenshorts: Well, then, we'll need that packet of hot sauce in your pocket.

Li: No! That's my food for next week! Leave it alone!

Seymour: impatiently Then what can we take?

Li: ponders My children! Take my children!

Cut abruptly back to the present, where Ava and Adara are again horrified by the product of their imaginations.

Ava: We are dooming the children of the future! We're…like…killing Li's eventual children!

Adara: We should go…walk by a church or something.

Ava: nods frantically

Li: heard shouting, sounding very bad-tempered, as they dash off I DID NOT YELL CUT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING BEHIND THOSE BOXES?!

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Authors' Note: Well, review! Please! That is all we have to say!