Pirates Of The Caribbean Fan Fiction / Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ Pirates of the Caribbean: At Wit's End ❯ Bringin’ Singapore Back ( Chapter 2 )

Chapter Two: Bringin' Singapore Back

 

[The camera cuts to a place that looks like it crawled out Hell's asshole, which is how we know it was built by Chinamen. Or Singaporese. I'm not sure what the correct term is, but I'm sure it's far less offensive than what I just wrote. The camera cuts to a dark stream (or sewer) running through the city, and a small dinghy floats into the shot. A shadowy figure is rowing the dinghy forward along the sewer-stream. The shadowy figure is disguised, but the absolutely enormous knockers make it quite apparent that it is Rouge.]

 

Rouge: (singing) Look at those hips, go ahead, be gone with it, you make me smile, go ahead, be gone with it, go ahead child, go ahead, be gone with it, and get your sexy on…

 

[Rouge pulls her dinghy up to a dock, ties it up and steps out of the both. Another figure slides out of the shadows, flanked by two Henchgoons.]

 

Luigi: I'm-a bringing sexy back, them-a other fuckers don't-a know how to-a act.

 

[Rouge stares at Luigi with shock.]

 

Luigi: This is-a dangerous song for you to-a sing. Especially if-a you don't-a know what it-a means. Particularly if-a you are a woman. A woman alone.

 

[Something shiny slides in front of Luigi's neck.]

 

Eggman: (leaning over Luigi's shoulder) What makes you think she's alone? And what makes you think I'm gonna let you engage in awful sexual fetishes with her? I've already called “dibs”.

 

Luigi: (gulping nervously) What's-a this against my-a neck? Is it-a…?

 

Eggman: Yes. It's a slab of lard. You don't want me to use this on you. Why, if I choose to, I could make you eat this lard. And if you kept up the habit of eating lard, never exercised and adopted a poor diet, why, in thirty years your arteries might get clogged. Do you want to be known as the fat Mario brother?

 

[Luigi twitches frantically in Eggman's grasp.]

 

Eggman: I didn't think so.

 

[Eggman releases Luigi.]

 

Eggman: Now, your Master is expecting us. And I think one of his henchmen ballooning up to the size of Rosie O' Donnell would cast a rather…large pall on the occasion.

 

[Luigi nods, and the two Henchgoons, Rouge, and Eggman follow him through this labyrinthine maze of grates and crap. The camera pans over to the sewer-stream, as a bunch of objects float by. The objects surface and it's the crew of the Black Pearl: Boris, Arthas, Gordon Freeman, Megabyte, Cervantes, and a Random Midget. They crawl out of the water and approach a large grate. On a bridge above them, a cart rolls by and stops. The camera cuts to the shadowed face of the figure pushing the cart. The face is hedgehog-y and pink. The monkey, and somehow, Omochao, are on the cart {Author's Note: Yes, I realize damn well that Omochao is playing multiple animal roles. Deal with it}. The monkey turns a crank, and an instrumental version of “SexyBack” starts to play. The pirates at the grate start sawing through. The camera cuts back to Eggman & Pals {Author's Note: By the way, I would totally watch that show}.]

 

Rouge: Have you heard anything from Sonic?

 

Eggman: I trust the young Hedgehog to acquire the charts. He's totally fucked up all my bases before, so I'm sure a crazy Chinese guy's defenses will be no match. And I trust you to remember your place in the presence of the Pirate Lord of Singapore.

 

Rouge: Is he that scary?

 

Eggman: He's very much like myself.

 

Rouge: Oh. Great, just what we needed, another morbidly obese pirate with a borderline sexual fascination for all things fried and greasy.

 

Eggman: Hey, hey. I lost weight for the new “Sonic” game.

 

Rouge: Need I remind you of what the review scores for that were?

 

Eggman: Need I remind you that I can gag you with my cock?

 

Rouge: You sir, are disgusting.

 

[Luigi reaches a large door and opens it. He leads Eggman and Rouge through this room filled with lots o' topless Chinese guys. Luigi stops at another door and turns back to the two.]

 

Luigi: Your-a weapons, please.

 

[In an exact, and I mean shot-for-shot, copy of the scene outside Edoras in “The Two Towers” {Author's Note: And don't think this is the last time we're gonna be ripping off “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy}, Eggman and Rouge pull out a comical amount of weaponry from their persons. Rouge steps forward, only to be stopped by Luigi.]

 

Luigi: Just because you-a are a woman does-a not mean we-a do not suspect you of treachery. Remove.

 

[Rouge sighs and removes her overcoat. Even more guns and swords are attached to her person. She peels off this second set of guns and swords. She pauses for a second and reaches up…I have no idea where, but I have some guesses, and pulls out something moist that is comparable in size and scope to a rocket launcher. Eggman stares at her backside trying to figure out the mechanics of Rouge's storage space. Rouge smiles and walks forward again, only to be stopped by Luigi again.]

 

Luigi: Please, do-a not insult us. Remove the-a two cannonballs strapped to-a your-a chest.

 

Eggman: Oooh, this is gonna be awkward.

 

[Luigi smiles the creepiest smile I have yet seen in a movie. The scene cuts to (a pantsless?) Rouge and Eggman (thankfully still wearing pants) walking through some Chinese shower/steam room. They reach the end of the room where a figure stands upon a huge steam vent, flanked by two “servant” girls who look underage. The figure turns around. It is the Pirate Lord of Singapore, Master Chief.]

 

Master Chief: Captain Robotnik, welcome to Singapore!

 

[Meanwhile, there's some whole sub-plot about the steam generator downstairs or something, but the hell with that for now.]

 

Master Chief: I understand you have a…request, to make of me?

 

Eggman: Well, technically, more of a…proposal, a venture if you will, and I need a ship, a crew, and as always, some lard.

 

Master Chief: Really? Because that's a staggering coincidence…

 

Rouge: Is it because you a have a ship, a crew, and some lard for us?

 

Master Chief: No…because you see, earlier today, a thief broke into my temple. And tried to make off with…(dramatic pause)…these!

 

[Master Chief pulls out a bamboo-ish looking roll.]

 

Eggman: What are “these”?

 

Master Chief: My navigational charts. The maps to…the Farthest Gate.

 

Eggman: The Farthest Gate…is that from “World of WarCraft” or something?

 

Master Chief: Not at all, it's actually from “Guild Wars”. Though, as I was saying…what a coincidence it would be if you came here and your venture involved going to the world beyond this one.

 

Eggman: Yeah, if it were me I'd have a hard time buying that. That'd be like, the most amazing coincidence of all time.

 

[The Master Chief nods towards two other Chinese guys, and they pull Sonic out from a well.]

 

Master Chief: This is the thief…is his face familiar to you? Eggman, does his taint strike you as familiar?

 

Eggman: His taint? What the hell is wrong with you? I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about…

 

Master Chief: (pulling out a stake) Well, then he has no need for it…

 

Rouge: Uh…his face, or his taint?

 

[The Master Chief turns to look back at Rouge.]

 

Master Chief: Ah, so you do know him!

 

Rouge: How…how do you figure that?

 

Master Chief: So, you show up in my city…and abuse my hospitality…

 

Eggman: I swear, I had no idea…

 

Master Chief: That he would get caught?

 

Eggman: Well, I was gonna say I don't know what his…err…taint looks like.

 

Master Chief: LIAR! You know damn well what his taint looks like, you sex pervert! I know all about your vices!

 

Eggman: I DON'T HAVE GAY SEX WITH HEDGEHOGS!

 

Master Chief: So then you don't deny having gay sex with other marsupials?

 

Eggman: Hedgehogs aren't marsupials, you friggin' tard!

 

[The various Chinese guys in the room start closing in on Eggman and Rouge.]

 

Master Chief: I must wonder…why are you so intent on going to Big the Cat's FootLocker?

 

[Eggman tosses a coin at the Master Chief who catches it in mid-air. He holds it against the side of his helmet.]

 

Eggman: The call has been made. We need to assemble…the Brethren Court. And, as one of the Nine Pirate Lords, you have to honor that call.

 

Master Chief: More steam!

 

[The scene cuts to the steam room plot I was ignoring, and the Pearl's crew is running around like a bunch of jackasses down there.]

 

Master Chief: MORE STEAM!

 

[More shots of the jackass crew in the steam room.]

 

Master Chief: It's sad isn't it, that in this day and age…when it becomes harder and harder…

 

Eggman: Nickel for every time that's happened to me!

 

[As the Master Chief visibly gags under his helmet, the scene goes back to the crew in the steam room. They're arming themselves.]

 

Boris: Remember comrades, wait until we get the signal.

 

[Cervantes, having wandered over from the rest of the group is looking up through a crack in the floorboards. The camera pans up to show that Rouge is standing above that crack in the floorboards. Cervantes smiles madly as he looks, obviously seeing…where Rouge was storing her rocket launcher from earlier {Author's Note: I think we can safely assume that she's had things larger than a rocket launcher up there}. Something wet drips from above and lands on Cervantes face.]

 

Cervantes: Arr! Arr! Arr arr arr arrrrrr!

 

[Arthas, hearing the commotion, rushes over and looks up another crack in the floorboard. The camera pans up, and it reveals a 300-something pound Asian guy. Something drips down onto Arthas.]

 

Arthas: Oh, arr big guy. Arrrrrrr…

 

Boris: Pull yourself together, pansy!