Pirates Of The Caribbean Fan Fiction / Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ Pirates of the Caribbean: At Wit's End ❯ Product Placement Extravaganza ( Chapter 3 )

Chapter Three: Product Placement Extravaganza

 

[The scene cuts back to the Master Chief and the rest.]

 

Master Chief: Oh my God, I think I puked inside my helmet…

 

Eggman: Do you need a Wet Ones brand antibacterial moist wipe? Guaranteed to clean and leave a fresh scent!

 

Master Chief: No…I'm….I'm fine…wait…since when did we start plugging merchandise in these parodies?

 

Eggman: The economy is in tough shape, and we have to do what we have to do.

 

Rouge: So, will you help us?

 

Master Chief: What do you think any of us, what can any of the Pirate Lords do against Lord Shadow the Hedgehog and the East India Company?

 

Rouge: You can fight!

 

[Master Chief glares (presumably) at Rouge.]

 

Master Chief: Fight? You mistake me for someone with balls.

 

[Awkward pause. The Master Chief walks up to Rouge.]

 

Master Chief: Rouge the Bat…there is more to you than meets the eye, isn't there?

 

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Master Chief: But still, you have not answered my question…what is it you seek in Big the Cat's FootLocker?

 

Sonic: Knuckles the Echidna.

 

[The Master Chief's underage sex girls giggle in that infuriating manner that all Asian women use in movies.]

 

Sonic: He is one of the Pirate Lords!

 

[The Master Chief thinks it over.]

 

Sonic: Which makes me wonder, how low are the standards for becoming a Pirate Lord, anyways?

 

Eggman: Shockingly low. Paris Hilton could get through at least 75 percent of the entrance exam.

 

Sonic: There's an entrance exam?

 

Eggman: How else are you going to get into PCP?

 

Sonic: PCP?!

 

Eggman: Peabody College of Piracy.

 

Sonic: Now you're just making this up.

 

Eggman: Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe fu-

 

Sonic: Don't finish that quote!

 

Eggman: But…it's a good one…

 

Sonic: No!

 

Master Chief: (getting angry) Pay attention to me, you jackholes! The only reason that I would want to bring Knuckles the Echidna back from the Land of the Dead is so that I could -

 

Eggman: Send him there yourself?

 

Master Chief: How'd you know?

 

Eggman: If you'd ever watched a movie before in your life, you'd see that line coming from miles away.

 

Master Chief: Oh.

 

Eggman: But you see, Knuckles has one of the Nine Pieces of Eight…or…Eight Pieces of Nine, whatever the case may be. He failed to pass it on before he was eaten by the Kraken (ominous drum beat)…oh, for FUCK'S SAKE! ENOUGH ALREADY! That joke was tired halfway through the last one!

 

[The Master Chief looks at the back of some exceptionally sweaty Asian guy, whose tattoos are sprinting.]

 

Master Chief: I see you deceive me again! WEAPONS!

 

[A whole bunch of Asian guys jump out of baths, swords held aloft, pants left on the ground. Thankfully, because they are Asian, we need not blur anything out {Author's Note: I kid, I kid. I don't want any e-mails from upset Asians telling me explicitly how big their wangs {Author's Note's Note: HAR!} are}. The scene cuts to the crew below.]

 

Boris: Weapons!

 

[Back upstairs…]

 

Eggman: I assure you, our intentions are strictly honorable!

 

[Four swords fly up from the steam room and into the hands of Eggman and Rouge.]

 

Eggman: Well, honorable for pirates…

 

[The Master Chief grabs the sweaty Asian guy with the fake tattoos.]

 

Master Chief: You make a move, and I kill your man!

 

Eggman: Go ahead, he's not ours.

 

Master Chief: But he's not mine…

 

Sonic: Well, if he isn't our guy…and he isn't your guy…

 

Arthas: (muted, from underneath the floorboards) He can be my guy!

 

[And right on queue, the walls get busted in, and British redcoats come running in and start shooting all the naked Asian guys. There's an ensuing battle where Creepy Shanker Guy shoots one of the Underage Sex Twins, the Pearl's crew blows Master Chief's base to Hell (which is an improvement over the current conditions), and Eggman, Rouge, Sonic, and the Master Chief start an escape, which is aided by the crew of the Pearl. And honestly, I'm too damn bored to describe the rest of this sequence. Suffice to say, eventually Sonic and the Master Chief end up together. In a room, or something. Not romantically {Author's Note: There's a high probability that if that's what you want, you can find Master Chief/Sonic the Hedgehog slash fanfics online. There will probably be rough and angry butt-sex}.]

 

Master Chief: It is quite a coincidence that the East India Company should finally find me on the day that you show up in Singapore…

 

Sonic: It's just that, a coincidence. Now, if you want to make a deal with Lord Shadow, you need to go through me.

 

Master Chief: Wait…I want to make a deal with Lord Shadow?

 

Sonic: The script demands a 500% increase in useless and completely illogical plot twists and betrayals so that we can pad the run-time of this fucker. I am helping you to that end.

 

Master Chief: Oh. Well, if you intend to betray Eggman and Knuckles, how can I expect any better?

 

Sonic: You can't expect jack shit. But the thing is, I need the Black Pearl to save my father and you can help me get it.

 

[The Master Chief and Sonic stare at each other. There's a comic-relief scene here involving the monkey, Omochao, and fireworks which exists to do nothing but to lengthen this whole intolerable scene. Oh, and to blow most of Singapore up in a fireworks detonation, so I guess it has some benefit. Finally, everybody gets reunited at a dock, or sidewalk, or something.]

 

Eggman: Sonic, do you have the charts?

 

Sonic: Yes. And even better, I have a crew and a ship.

 

Eggman: Well done.

 

Rouge: Where's the Master Chief at?

 

Sonic: He's gonna cover our rear.

 

Eggman: When he says that, don't turn your back to him. He really means it.

 

Sonic: Disgusting.

 

Eggman: Why thank you, it's what I do best.

 

Arthas: What's this about rears?

 

Sonic: Speaking of asses…uh…where's Omochao?

 

Rouge: I think we left him behind…

 

Boris: Comrades, we don't have time for this nonsense!

 

Eggman: Exactly! (screaming) We'll come back for you Omochao! Maybe!

 

Omochao: (echoing across the city) I hate all of you guys!

 

[The scene cuts to a Chinese junk sailing out of Singapore. Rouge walks up to Amy, who is standing near the railing.]

 

Rouge: Do you really think the Master Chief will help us?

 

Amy: I don't know. There is a great evil, and evil that scares even the most blood-thirsty of pirates…

 

Rouge: And what would that be?

 

Amy: (low whisper) The producers. They wish to make a fourth movie.

 

Director: (from off-screen) They want to do WHAT?!