Pirates Of The Caribbean Fan Fiction / Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ Pirates of the Caribbean: At Wit's End ❯ Cold as Hell ( Chapter 5 )

Chapter Five: Cold as Hell

 

[The scene cuts to the Chinese junk sailing amongst huge icebergs, while the crew freezes its balls off. Like, literally: there are loose testes on the deck.]

 

Cervantes: Brrrr! Brr brr brr.

 

Megabyte: I couldn't have said it better myself.

 

Cervantes: Brr.

 

Megabyte: What I wonder is why that creepy Amy lady can't bring Knuckles back like she brought Eggman back.

 

Amy: (in the most fucking pretentious tone of voice ever) Eggman was only dead. Of heart disease. Nothing a little Drain-o couldn't fix.

 

Megabyte: Yuck.

 

Amy: But Knuckles has been taken body a-

 

Arthas: Who's taking whose body?

 

Amy: (ignoring Arthas) -and soul. To a place of punishment! The worst fate a person can bring upon themselves!

 

Megabyte: (gasp) You mean to tell me that Knuckles is…is…stuck watching a strip dance by Michael Moore for all eternity?

 

Amy: No. Worse…

 

Megabyte: I find that hard to believe.

 

Amy: Stretching on forever…endless…

 

Boris: Ha! Just like my wang!

 

Arthas: Nuh-uh! That's a complete exaggeration!

 

Boris: I knew you were scoping me out, you pansy!

 

Amy: (ignoring all interruptions) That is what awaits Knuckles in Big the Cat's FootLocker!

 

[Amy storms off.]

 

Megabyte: Jeez, what a frigid bitch.

 

Cervantes: Brr.

 

[The camera pans to one of the Chinese guys. He rubs his foot, and his frozen toe breaks off. He takes this new development remarkably well. The camera pans further to Sonic fiddling with the Master Chief's map, which is comprised of a whole set of rotating rings.]

 

Sonic: Who the hell designed this map? The people who made the Rubik's Cube {Author's Note: I can not stress how much I despise Rubik's Cubes. I can never solve the fuckers, and then some jackass will just walk up, take the cube I've spent an hour fighting with, and solve the damn thing in a minute flat. I fucking hate Rubik's Cubes}?

 

[Sonic rotates the map and some lines of text appear.]

 

Sonic: (reading) “It all depends of what the definition of `is' is”…the fuck does that mean?

 

[Sonic rotates the map some more.]

 

Sonic: (reading) “Sunset, flash of green”…

 

Arthas: (yelling from across the ship) What's this about flashing?

 

Boris: (yelling from the other side) Blow it out your ass, pansy!

 

Arthas: Any time, big man! Any time!

 

Boris: Nauseating!

 

[Sonic brings the map to Eggman.]

 

Sonic: So, can you clarify this for us, Captain Robotnik?

 

Eggman: Mr. Bor-

 

Boris: Comrade.

 

Eggman: Comrade Boris, have you seen this green flash?

 

Boris: I believe I have, Comrade Captain. Sometimes, when the sun sets and you have been hitting the vodka pretty hard, you can see a green flash just as the last light goes. Some say the light means th-

 

Megabyte: That a soul has returned from the dead!

 

[Boris glares at Megabyte, who glares back.]

 

Eggman: Well, Master Hedgehog, you see the problem isn't getting to the Land of the Dead, it-

 

Sonic: It's getting back?

 

Eggman: God damn, this movie is getting freaking pathetic.

 

Sonic: Just getting?

 

Eggman: Good point. I think we may have jumped the shark around the time we introduced the cursed undead fishy pirates lead by the dude with the tentacles on his face.

 

Arthas: Or perhaps, we jumped the Kraken (ominous drum beat)!

 

Boris: I hate you so much, you pansy.

 

[The camera pans out from the ship, and it dramatically sails into the Paths of the Dead from “Return of the King”. Yeah, just try and tell me that isn't an ice-coated version of the Paths. Just fucking try. I will fight you over this.]