Pirates Of The Caribbean Fan Fiction / Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ Pirates of the Caribbean: At Wit's End ❯ Number Six ( Chapter 6 )

Chapter Six: Number Six

 

[The camera cuts to the East India Company's main ship as Shadow gazes through a spyglass at this ship that is quite literally getting raped by the Flying Person-of-Dutch-Extraction. Creepy Shanker Guy walks up to Shadow.]

 

Shadow: Well, fuck.

 

Creepy Shanker Guy: `Scuse me sir?

 

Shadow: Look at that! The whole ship has just been jizzed into oblivion.

 

Creepy Shanker Guy: Gross.

 

Shadow: But effective.

 

Creepy Shanker Guy: My lord, Big the Cat is a loose cannon.

 

Shadow: Umm…duh. That's why we have him. Cause the boy can fuck shit up.

 

Creepy Shanker Guy: Sir, we need to move the chest and the heart to satisfy plot requirements.

 

Shadow: God damn, does this make sense to anybody?

 

Creepy Shanker Guy: No sir.

 

Shadow: Well, might as well bring the governor…

 

Creepy Shanker Guy: He has been asking questions…

 

[Fade to a flashback.]

 

G-Man: Holy FUCK! There's-s-s a (swallow) fucking heart in this (swallow) fucking chest! What the hell is-s-s this-s-s?

 

[Back to present day.]

 

Shadow: Does he know what it is?

 

[Fade to a flashback.]

 

G-Man: This-s-s is-s-s the heart of (swallow) Big the Cat, is-s-sn't it?

 

[Back to present day.]

 

Creepy Shanker Guy: He's sus-s-s-spicous.

 

Shadow: Okay, lisping tard boy…I think his usefulness has…run its course.

 

Creepy Shanker Guy: Was that supposed to be witty?

 

Shadow: No. But your mom was last night.

 

Creepy Shanker Guy: Why do you say things like that when you know they hurt me?

 

[Organ music plays as a set of longboats leave Shadow's ship. The camera cuts to the organ on the Flying Person-of-Dutch-Extraction. Big is whaling away on it. He somberly gazes at a heart shaped locket on the edge of the organ. He picks it up, looks at the picture inside, and sheds a lone, sad tear. The scene cuts and redcoats are running onto Big's ship. Amongst the crowd is the Comedic Redcoat Duo from the first movie: Ryudo and Wind Waker Link. As everybody assembles dramatically, Big sees some redcoats carrying…the chest {Author's Note: Not that one, the other one}.]

 

Big: What is that thing doing on my ship?

 

Shadow: It appears, at least as far as the script is concerned, to be the only way to control you, short of slapping a collar on your neck.

 

Kerrigan: (from within the crowd of fishy pirates) Oh, he loves that!

 

Big: Silence, you dumb bitch!

 

Kerrigan: That's not what you were calling me last night!

 

All others: Oooooooooh.

 

Big: Whatevs, bitch, whatevs!

 

Shadow: Hey, let's pay more attention to me, over here.

 

Big: Right.

 

Shadow: Now, I need prisoners. Prisoners that I can interrogate. And that's a little hard when all you give me is a bunch of decapitated torsos that appear to have been sexually violated through every major orifice including the trunk of the neck, and the kneecaps.

 

Big: Well, no matter what you say, the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction sails as her captain orders her.

 

Shadow: And her captain sails her as I order!

 

Everybody: Ooooooooh.

 

Random Fishy Pirate: Oh no he didn't!

 

Shadow: I thought you learned your lesson when I had you kill your pet. Even though it would have been terribly useful in the pursuit of my goal to annihilate the pirates, but logic has already left this film series far behind. Big, you see, the immaterial has become…immaterial {Author's Note: I swear to God, that is the exact line from the script and it's almost as bad as the currency one}.

 

[The scene cuts and a whole bunch of redcoats point their guns at the heart in the chest for reasons unknown and never explained. Seriously, they never, ever, explain what the hell the point of that one scene was. It's utterly mystifying. The scene cuts again, and the screen is filled with stars. The junk sails by. Sonic walks up to Rouge, who is looking pensive.]

 

Sonic: So, how long are you going to keep the silent treatment going?

 

Rouge: Once we've rescued Knuckles, everything will be okay…

 

Sonic: (long pause) You're bullshitting me, right? How is he going to help things?

 

Rouge: Oh Sonic, he's the only person the audience cares about. Him and my big tits are the only reasons people are parting with their money for this otherwise shit-awful flick.

 

Sonic: Fine, we'll rescue Knuckles.

 

[After one, long awkward pause, Rouge gets up and walks away. Sonic stares off moodily into the distance, when suddenly he notices that there is a ginormous fucking waterfall ahead of them.]

 

Amy: (silently creeping up from behind) For what we want most there is a cost that must be paid in my end.

 

Sonic: You mean…the end, right?

 

Amy: (creepy) No…

 

[Sonic bolts the hell away from Amy and runs towards the poop deck, where conveniently most of the major characters are standing.]

 

Sonic: Eggman! What the hell is happening?

 

Eggman: Oh, we're lost.

 

Sonic: Lost?

 

Eggman: Well, how else can you find a place that is unfindable if you aren't lost?

 

Sonic: That…that makes no sense…

 

Eggman: This is true.

 

Sonic: Everyone to stations!

 

[Everybody races around the ship in a blind panic.]

 

Sonic: Raise the sails! Hard to port! Jiggle the squibs!

 

Eggman: (looking bat-shit insane) Ignore those orders! Let the squibs lay! Full engines ahead!

 

Boris: We don't have engines…

 

Eggman: Warp ten, engage! Bwahahahaha!

 

[Megabyte leans over the railings of the junk and sees the gigantic waterfall getting closer.]

 

Megabyte: Oh sweet mercy…

 

Rouge: Eggman, you've doomed us all!

 

Eggman: You should be more kind, for you may not live to see this place again! And…what a shame it would be if those were the last words you spoke…

 

[Eggman extends his hand towards Rouge's face, but promptly drops it onto her chest and starts massaging furiously.]

 

Rouge: THE FUCK?!

 

Eggman: That's more like it…

 

[Rouge breaks away and joins the panicked masses on the junk's deck.]

 

Sonic: Wiggle the squibs! Woggle them if you have to!

 

Rouge: Hard to port! HARDER TO PORT!

 

[The crew struggle to turn the ship while Eggman stands still and laughs like a fucking retard. The junk, despite the valiant efforts of the crew, reaches the edge of the waterfall and starts to go over the edge.]

 

Eggman: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! PREPARE FOR HYPERSPACE JUMP!

 

Sonic: YOU FUCKING INSANE PIECE OF SHIT!

 

Eggman: OVER WE GO! HAHAHA! FIRE UP THOSE FTL ENGINES MR. GAETA! HAHAHAHA!

 

[The junk plummets off the edge of the waterfall and into a black screen.]