Pirates Of The Caribbean Fan Fiction / Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ Pirates of the Caribbean: At Wit's End ❯ Master and Commander ( Chapter 8 )

Chapter Eight: Master and Commander

 

[The scene cuts to the deck of the Black Pearl. The crew is running around doing its work while Knuckles and Eggman walk around yelling orders.]

 

Eggman: Trim the topsails!

Knuckles: Trim the topsails!

 

Eggman: Jiggle those squibs!

 

Knuckles: Jiggle those squibs!

 

Eggman: Homosayswhat!

 

Knuckles: What?

 

Eggman: What the hell do you think you're doing?

 

Knuckles: What are you doing?

 

Eggman: No, what are you doing?

 

Knuckles: What are you doing?

 

Eggman: What are you doing?

 

Knuckles: What are you doing?

 

Eggman: What are you doing?

 

Knuckles: What are you doing?

 

Eggman: Giving orders.

 

Knuckles: Captain gives orders.

 

Eggman: I'm the captain, you prick.

 

Knuckles: Nu-uh, it's my ship, my orders. Plus, in case you haven't forgotten, I'm Captain Knuckles the Echidna. Bitch.

 

Eggman: First of all, nobody gives a flying fuck, and secondly, I've got the maps!

 

Knuckles: And a couple hundred extra pounds!

 

Eggman: Hey, hey, at least my brain isn't oatmeal!

 

[Megabyte runs up.]

 

Megabyte: SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU! I'M THE CAPTAIN AROUND HERE! NOW SILENCE!

 

[Knuckles and Eggman turn to Megabyte and give him the most withering glare imaginable {Author's Note: Guys, picture in your mind the look you get from your girlfriend/girl you're stalking when you've just gone and done something unimaginably stupid but you have no idea what it was}.]

 

Megabyte: I…I just wanted to put my name in for consideration…but…if…you know, the ballot is full…I'll retract my candidacy. Have a lovely day gentlemen.

 

[Megabyte slinks off to the side. Eggman and Knuckles rush up the stairs to the poop deck. Cervantes leans over to Megabyte.]

 

Cervantes: Arr, arr arr aaaaarrrrr. Arr!

 

Megabyte: Yeah, thanks.

 

[Eggman stands on the deck and pulls out a spyglass. It's quite long. Knuckles looks at it, smiles, and then pulls out his own spyglass which is a tiny little thing. He fights to make it longer. Eggman smiles and slowly slides his hand down the length of his spyglass.]

 

Eggman: Oh yeah, that's a naughty horizon. Mmm…yeah, you know what makes me smile baby. Aww yeah, all over the poop deck. My, you're a dirty girl…

 

[Knuckles slinks off, dejected and humiliated. The scene cuts to the interior of the Pearl. Rouge is sitting on some steps and Sonic walks up. Sappy sad romantic music plays.]

 

Sonic: You left Knuckles to the grave.

 

Rouge: He's rescued now, it's done with. Sonic, I had no choice.

 

Sonic: You chose not to tell me.

 

Rouge: I couldn't…it wasn't your burden to bear.

 

Sonic: But I did bear it, didn't I? I just didn't know what it was.

 

{Author's Note: The preceding lines of dialogue were transcribed, word for word, from the movie. Read them again. That's what I call bullshit, like, “Star Wars: Episode III” level bullshit.}

 

Sonic: I thought…

 

Rouge: You thought I fucked him?

 

Sonic: Well, you were alone with him for about ten seconds. That's enough time right there.

 

[Rouge glares at Sonic, then starts to walk up the steps, but Sonic grabs her and slams into a beam of the ship. He looks pissed. Or moody. Acting isn't too sharp here.]

 

Rouge: Oh no, please don't cruelly ravage me here against my will! Oh, I wouldn't have the strength to resist if you tried to rape me!

 

Sonic: You make your choices alone!

 

[Rouge glares back at So-{Author's Note: Screw it, this whole scene sucks. We're moving on}-the scene cuts to a shot of the Pearl, sailing through foggy seas, late at night. Cervantes and Megabyte are sitting at the front of the ship, fishing. Cervantes looks down at the water and drops his fishing pole. The two look down into the water: bodies are floating under the surface in a way that is entirely not stolen from “The Two Towers”. Not at all.]

 

Megabyte: My, but isn't this a totally original and eerie scene.

 

Cervantes: Arr…arr, arr arr arrrr. Aaaaaar.

 

Megabyte: Excellent idea, Watson!

 

[Megabyte and Cervantes scurry off to find cannonballs to drop on the floating bodies, when they run into Amy, who's mounting the bowsprit, as Wikipedia informs me it is called.]

 

Amy: (all emotional) They should be in the care of Big the Cat. That's the duty he was charged with by the goddess…Calypso. He must ferry those that die at sea…to the Far Side. And every ten years, he could come ashore, and fuck the living shit out of me…err, that is…the one who loved him. But he has become a monster!

 

Megabyte: So he didn't always look like he belonged in a hentai tentacle rape movie?

 

Amy: (satisfied smile) Oh no…he used to be a man. With a great big cock…

 

Megabyte: I don't think I really need to hear about tha-

 

Amy: It was so long and thick, it felt like you were having sex with someone's forearm…

 

Megabyte: Oh God…

 

Arthas: (rushing up, out of breath) What's this…I hear about…thick penises?

 

Amy: And you'd tell him to stop, but he'd keep railing into you, like a jackhammer…forceful! Powerful! Exotic! You could pass out from the sheer pleasure!

 

Megabyte: (loudly) THERE ARE BOATS COMING NOW.

 

[And sure enough, small boats begin to float by the Pearl. The main crew rushes on deck, Boris armed with an AK and ready to shoot some punks.]

 

Sonic: We don't need to shoot them…right?

 

Amy: They'se harmless.

 

Boris: And for those of us who don't speak in lisping retard?

 

Sonic: They're not a threat to us…are they?

 

Amy: No…we are but ghosts to them.

 

Eggman: Just let them pass…silently, yet deadly. And before you ask, yes I did just defile the poop deck. You're gonna want to let that sucker air out for a while.

 

[The camera cuts to the boats floating by. They're small wooden boats with lanterns attached to the prows {Author's Note: The front of the boat, for those not nautically inclined}. The boats are filled with people who I guess we can assume are all dead. Or just very pasty. Rouge steps up to the side of the Pearl and sees a boat going by carrying her father, the G-Man.]

 

Rouge: (yelling) Father! Father! We've made it back! Father!

 

[The G-Man ignores her as his boat goes by, and Knuckles walks up to Rouge.]

 

Knuckles: (very somber) We haven't made it back…

 

[Everyone exchanges meaningful glances while Rouge stares vaguely off camera.]

 

Rouge: No…FATHER!

 

[The G-Man turns to see Rouge.]

 

G-Man: Rouge? Are you s-s-s-still (swallow) alive?

 

Rouge: Yes…I'm doing fantastic, and I'm still alive!

 

G-Man: Well, that's-s-s-s (swallow) great becaus-s-s-se I think I may be (swallow) dead.

 

Rouge: No! You can't be! I need you!

 

G-Man: There was-s-s a ches-s-s-st…and s-s-s-so much plot (swallow) expos-s-s-sition…s-s-s-so many words-s-s-s with s-s-s-s-s in (swallow) them…

 

Rouge: You don't have to worry about that! Come aboard! Someone throw him a line!

 

Arthas: Of coke?

 

Rouge: Oh, grow up. A line of rope! Long dangling strands of it!

 

[Everyone looks at each other uncomfortably, except the Random Midget who actually does something and gets a rope to Rouge. She grabs it from him and tosses the coiled rope towards the G-Man. The bundle of rope flies through the air and clonks him on the head, knocking him overboard. He sinks like an Italian with cement shoes. There's a long awkward pause.]

 

Knuckles: Well…if he wasn't dead before, I think he is now.

 

[Rouge sobs quietly.]

 

Knuckles: But hey, at least we learned where Rouge got her swallowing skills!

 

Rouge: (slowly raising her head) What was that?

 

Knuckles: (not sensing the danger he's in) I was just saying that we now know where you got your skills at swallowing, you inherited it from your dad.

 

Rouge: (glaring through tear-stained eyes) My skills at swallowing what?

 

[Sonic motions for Knuckles to shut up.]

 

Knuckles: (ignoring Sonic) Man spunk.

 

Rouge: Oh, you are beyond dead.

 

[Rouge leaps at Knuckles, and starts strangling him.]

 

Knuckles: (choking) Acck! You think you've won, but I'm just getting off on this!

 

Rouge: I'll shove a sword through your ears! I'm in the MIDDLE OF A GRIEVING PROCESS RIGHT HERE!

 

Knuckles: (choking) Yes! Give it to me, bitch! STAB ME, YOU FILTHY WENCH! YES!

 

Rouge: I'LL RAPE YOUR EYEBALLS!

 

Knuckles: YES! YEEEEEEEEEESS! RAPE THEM HARD! RAPE THEM LIKE THEY'VE NEVER BEEN RAPED BEFORE!

 

Eggman: Well…that's abnormal. Someone sedate the two of them. I don't need spooge all over my deck.