Pirates Of The Caribbean Fan Fiction / Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ Pirates of the Caribbean: At Wit's End ❯ Topsy-Turvy ( Chapter 9 )

Chapter Nine: Topsy-Turvy

 

[The scene cuts to the Black Pearl floating along, waves of heat hanging around. The crew staggers around on deck, suffering from heat, exhaustion, exposure, dehydration, and general stupidity. Sonic is leaning over a railing when Amy walks up.]

 

Amy: I fear that if we don't escape these doldrums before nightfall, we shall be trapped forever between worlds…

 

{Author's Note: I hate to go on a tangent here, but am I the only person who absolutely, 100% cannot stand the Tia Dalma character? Honestly, I despise her so much. She's so fucking annoying, and pretentious, and the way she talks…AGGH. And those teeth! Holy God in Heaven, those teeth! She should be drowned in boiling oil.}

 

Sonic: Why don't Knuckles and Eggman do anything?

 

Boris: Oh, they must be planning something brilliant as we speak! The Comrade Captains are very smart, you know.

 

Eggman: (internal voice) I wonder if I shaved my balls enough…fuckers still feel as hairy as a llama…would anyone on this ship notice if I scratched them? Shit, I think somebody is watching…damn them, I need to scratch…look away, you dick. Ahh, there we go, that's some relief right there…

 

Knuckles: (internal voice) … … … … … …

 

Boris: You can almost feel the IQ beaming off of them!

 

Sonic: Sadly, I almost can…

 

[The camera cuts to Knuckles, who's fiddling around with the bizarre map from earlier.]

 

Knuckles: Damn, this makes no sense…did the Rubik's Cube {Author's Note: I did mention how much I hated those things, right?} company make this? “Up is Down”? “Vote Obama”? What is this nonsense?

 

Voice: It makes perfect sense!

 

Knuckles: Who said that?

 

[A tiny Knuckles crawls out of the dreads of Knuckles' hair.]

 

Tiny Knuckles: Stab the heart!

 

Voice #2: Don't stab the heart!

 

[A second tiny Knuckles crawls out of the dreads on the other side.]

 

Tiny Knuckles 2: The Person-of-Dutch-Extraction requires a captain!

 

Knuckles: Well, that's totally unhelpful.

 

Tiny Knuckles 1: You could sail the seas for all eternity!

 

Knuckles: What the fuck are you talking about?

 

Tiny Knuckles 2: Beats the shit out of us…we're just an excuse for you to ape for the camera and maybe add another five minutes to the runtime while the audience chuckles uncomfortably.

 

Tiny Knuckles 1: Yeah, by the end of this you'll be like a sick dog the audience pities and wishes would die so that it can be put out of its misery.

 

Tiny Knuckles 2: And next you'll take a movie role where you play a murderous barber who sings. It'll totally rock.

 

Knuckles: Seriously? That is tits!

 

Tiny Knuckles 1: Sweet, scripts says I get to use the phrase “salted wenches”!

 

Knuckles: Salted with what?

 

Tiny Knuckles 2: Spooge, I guess. That's pretty salty.

 

Knuckles: Mmm…an eternity spooging on wenches does sound good…

 

Tiny Knuckles 1: But only once every ten years…

 

Tiny Knuckles 2: Think of all the backlogged spunk! You'll drown them!

 

Tiny Knuckles 1: You'll be a one-echidna bukkake system!

 

Knuckles: That does sound good…

 

Tiny Knuckles 2: Well, it won't make any difference if you don't figure out what to do before sunset…

 

Knuckles: (making an amazing leap of mental acrobatics) Not sunset, sundown! And sundown is sunup! Because the film's logic says so!

 

[Knuckles leaps up and runs toward one side of the ship.]

 

Knuckles: What's that over there? Does anybody else see it?

 

[The crew runs to the same side of the Pearl and looks off into the distance.]

 

Boris: See…what exactly, Comrade Captain?

 

Knuckles: It's right th…no, on the other side!

 

[Knuckles runs to the other side of the ship, and the crew follows with him.]

 

Arthas: I don't see anything…

 

Sonic: Yeah, are we missing someth-

 

Knuckles: It's back on the port again!

 

[Knuckles runs off to the other side again, the crew madly following. The Black Pearl begins to sink and rise from side to side as Knuckles and the rest keep running back and forth.]

 

Megabyte: He's rocking the whole boat!

 

[Eggman looks down at the maps Knuckles was looking at.]

 

Eggman: (borderline orgasmic euphoria) He's ROCKING THE CASBAH!

 

Sonic: What?!

 

Eggman: Keep running from side to side!

 

[Eggman, in an amazingly swift move for one of his size, flips over a railing and down a flight of stairs to the deck below.]

 

Eggman: Release the cannons! And everything else down here!

 

[Soon, cannons, rum, barrels, and Chinese guys are all bouncing around inside the ship. Back on deck, everyone's running from port to starboard, and with each leg, the ship goes more and more on its side, and finally, flips clean over. Everyone is hanging on for dear life underwater, and time slowly ticks by. Just as we get hopeful that maybe they'll all drown and this movie will end in time for us to make it home and catch a rerun of “Lost”, the sun flashes green, the water runs down, and everybody is safely on deck, damp but (still) alive. Except for the dozen or so Chinese extras that drowned or got killed. But nobody cares about them.]

 

Arthas: Oh sweet mercy we're alive…

 

Rouge: Look…it's a sun rise!

 

[Everyone is thrilled, and then promptly pull pistols out and point them at each other. They holster their pistols, laugh like idiots for a while, and then pull their pistols back out.]

 

Eggman: Okay, Knuckles, the Brethren Court is gonna meet, and you and I are going.

 

Knuckles: Aww, are you asking me to the prom? But I haven't picked out a dress yet…

 

Eggman: Shut your cakehole, you're going and that's that.

 

Knuckles: Do you expect me to put out? Cause, I'm only promising as far as second base. You gotta earn the rest.

 

Eggman: You are absolutely impossible!

 

Knuckles: Impossible? I've been told I'm rather easy…

 

Rouge: Knuckles, you are going to go and talk to those pirates, and that's that.

 

Knuckles: No it isn't!

 

[Knuckles pulls the trigger on his pistol aimed at Eggman, but nothing happens. Everyone else pulls their triggers, and nothing happens.]

 

Boris: Damn, wet powder. Now nobody dies…

 

Knuckles: I see something else that's very wet…

 

[Everyone turns to stare at Rouge.]

 

Rouge: Why are you looking at me? I'm perfectly dry! Well, aside from all the water. Stop staring at me! Just because I get off on near-violence is no reason to treat me funny! I didn't just orgasm! Leave me alone!

 

Knuckles: I've got a boner!

 

Eggman: And…scene change…