Pirates Of The Caribbean Fan Fiction / Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ Pirates of the Caribbean: At Wit's End ❯ The Movie Gets Dire ( Chapter 10 )

Chapter Ten: The Movie Gets Dire

 

[The scene changes. The entire cast is assembled around a map.]

 

Sonic: (pointing at an island on the map) Okay, there's fresh water there. We can resupply, and then go back to shooting each other.

 

Knuckles: Okay, Mr. Robotnik can lead the land expedition, and I'll stay in charge of the ship.

 

Eggman: Oh no, Mr. Echidna! I recall what happened the last time I left you alone with a black girl…oh, I shall not make the same mistake twice! You lead the land party.

 

Knuckles: First of all, she consented and seco-

 

Eggman: She claimed differently during the trail!

 

Knuckles: Yeah, well you can just bite me, asshat.

 

Sonic: Or, you could both go ashore, and leave me in charge.

 

[Knuckles and Eggman glare at Sonic.]

 

Sonic: Temporarily. Unless, you know, I steal the ship. Or sell us all out. Whatever, you know?

 

Eggman: Fine.

 

Knuckles: Well, I do need to go ashore and pick out a dress, and someone owes me a corsage.

 

Eggman: You can suck on my fucking balls, you twat.

 

Knuckles: Hey, I said you gotta earn that!

 

Arthas: I'll do it for free!

 

Eggman: No, I think I'm quite fine, you pansy.

 

Boris: Hey, that's my schtick…

 

[Eggman walks up to the ship's railing and pulls out his spyglass to look at the island in the distance. Knuckles walks up besides him and pulls out an enormous spyglass that droops at the end, the weight of which Knuckles can barely support. Eggman turns to look quizzically at Knuckles.]

 

Eggman: Well, we certainly know who has a small penis now…

 

Knuckles: (trying to not fall over) Yeah, your mom!

 

Eggman: My, but aren't you witty.

 

[Eggmans slaps Knuckles on the back, which completely unbalances him and he tumbles over the railing into the water. The crew turns and stares are Eggman.]

 

Eggman: Fine. Someone toss him a line…

 

Arthas: Of coke?

 

Eggman: We've already made that joke…

 

[The scene cuts to the shore of an island, as a soaked-to-the-bones Knuckles, and a far drier Eggman, Megabyte, Cervantes, and maybe some other members of the main cast, and a slew of unimportant extras land. Eggman and Knuckles look down the beach to see the beached carcass of the…one last time…Kraken (sad, yet still ominous drum beat). The two captains gaze intently at the dead best.]

 

Eggman: So, still think you can run away? Think you can out run the world? The problem with being the last of anything, is that eventually there's none left…or, you have your character dragged through the mud in a series on increasingly dire sequels…

 

Knuckles: But, things can come back…the “Tomb Raider” franchise stands as proof…

 

Eggman: Aye, but she's got a slamming bod, you know? And without that, you're left with something like the “Sonic” franchise…limping on in a series of sub-par games, kept alive only by fans with fond memories of the original Genesis era games…

 

Knuckles: So, we're gonna have to summon the Brethren Court? That's really not my idea of how to solve things in a positive manner.

 

Eggman: The world's a smaller place now.

 

Knuckles: No…it's the same size as before, there's just less in it.

 

Eggman: Boy, how unlike your mom is that?

 

Knuckles: I hate you to death.

 

[The music gets all dramatic as we cut to the cast walking through some woods to a watering hole, within which they find: a dead guy! No, not doing it for you? Jackasses. Eggman tests the water.]

 

Eggman: Ugh, tastes like Sonic…

 

Knuckles: Not even gonna ask how you know what he tastes like.

 

[Megabyte lifts the floating body out of the water.]

 

Megabyte: He…I recognize this guy…he was in Singapore!

 

Random Midget: Captain!

 

[Knuckles and Eggman turn to see what the Random Midget is screaming about. Cervantes runs up, pointing to the ocean.]

 

Cervantes: Arr! Arr arr arrrrr!

 

[A Chinese junk is sailing up to the Black Pearl. Knuckles and Eggman look shocked, and then suddenly, all the Chinese or Singaporese or whatever-the-hells pull out their pistols at the important cast members.]

 

Knuckles: Ha! Good friends, why aim your guns at me? Captain Robotnik is the captain of the ship!

 

[Eggman rolls his eyes so hard they roll right into the next scene. The scene cuts to the junk and the Pearl, which are both swarming with so many armed Asians that it has become impossible to tell one ship from the other. Rouge and most of the other cast members left behind are being held by armed dudes, as Eggman steps aboard, looking dramatic and in charge, and Knuckles sulks like someone who was just caught looking at porn. The Master Chief emerges from the crowd of sailors.]

 

Eggman: Ah, the Master Chief. What a coincidence to see you here.

 

Master Chief: (totally ignoring Eggman) Knuckles the Echidna…you insulted me gravely once.

 

Knuckles: That doesn't sound like me at all, you cum guzzling thundercunt.

 

[The Master Chief punches Knuckles right in the nose, breaking it.]

 

Knuckles: Ow.

 

[Sonic suddenly detaches himself from the crowd.]

 

Sonic: Release her!

 

Master Chief: I haven't even captured her! Just bopped her on the nose!

 

Knuckles: Oh, that's real mature…

 

Sonic: No, Rouge, you idiot. She's not part of the deal.

 

Eggman: A deal? What deal would this be?

 

Master Chief: Ahaha! Let us now take the last likeable character in this movie and drag him through the mud! You heard Captain Hedgehog, release her!

 

Knuckles: Captain?!

 

Boris: The capitalist pig swine rebelled against us!

 

Sonic: I'm sorry Knuckles…well, actually, I'm not. But I need the Black Pearl to free my father. It's the only reason I signed on for this awful sequel.

 

[An expression crosses Rouge's face that could best be described as the look you'd get if someone told you your lover kills and sodomizes puppies. Rouge rushes up to Sonic.]

 

Rouge: Why didn't you tell me you were planning this?

 

Sonic: Because, it was my burden to bear.

 

Rouge: Oh, real mature, just throw that back into my face! You prick!

 

Knuckles: Oh, for God's sake…Sonic the Assfucker shows up because he needs my boat, Rouge felt guilty for the death-inducing S&M, Eggman shows up for the Brethren Court…didn't anybody rescue me because they actually like my character?

 

[The audience goes wild. The actual cast seems unenthused. Finally, Random Midget raises his hand, as do Megabyte, Cervantes, Gordon Freeman, Boris, and hell, let's throw Arthas in there too.]

 

Knuckles: Ah, there we go! Appreciators of fine art! I'm going to go stand with those guys…

 

[Knuckles starts to walk towards them but is yanked back by the Master Chief.]

 

Master Chief: Oh no, Mr. Echidna, you must first meet with another old friend…

 

Knuckles: Sweet, I'm gonna meet Gandalf!

 

Master Chief: Sorry to disappoint you, but this is someone far darker…

 

Knuckles: Al Sharpton?

 

[The Master Chief drags Knuckles to the railing of the ship; on the horizon is Lord Shadow's flagship, the Endeavour {Author's Note: Thanks, Wikipedia!}.]

 

Knuckles: Balls.