Pirates Of The Caribbean Fan Fiction / Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ Pirates of the Caribbean: At Wit's End ❯ Grasping for Plot Threads ( Chapter 11 )

Chapter Eleven: Grasping for Plot Threads

 

[The scene cuts to the captain's quarters of Shadow's ship. Knuckles is tossed in by two guards. Shadow is at the back of the room, staring out a window, oozing pretentiousness.]

 

Shadow: It's curious Knuckles…it appears your friends are becoming desperate. For why else would they sell you out?

 

[As Shadow continues to monologue pretentiously, Knuckles wanders around the cabin opening jars and things.]

 

Shadow: Knuckles, it's not here.

 

Knuckles: What? Your dignity?

 

Shadow: That? Oh, I left that inside your mother's vagina.

 

Knuckles: That's cold.

 

Shadow: Indeed it is. What I was referring to before was the Heart of Big the Cat. It's safely aboard the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction.

 

Knuckles: So…the one thing that lets you control Big the Cat and his unstoppable ship of destruction…you've decided to leave…on his ship?

 

Shadow: Well, now that you put it like that, this does seem like a stupid plan.

 

Knuckles: Just a little stupid.

 

Shadow: Well, suffice to say, you still owe Captain Big some restorations.

 

Knuckles: That has all been settled, me and Big, we're like BFF's now.

 

Shadow: Really now? And how would he react were he to discover that you are alive?

 

Knuckles: Listen, it clearly states in the contract that respawns break contractual obligations!

 

Shadow: Unlike the fact that I broke your mom's contractual obligations last night, that is completely inaccurate.

 

Knuckles: You have some serious issues…

 

[The scene cuts back to the Pearl, where British soldiers are pouring onboard the Pearl with determined urgency. As they run around making a nuisance of themselves, the Master Chief walks up to Creepy Shanker Guy.]

 

Master Chief: I believe my men are crew enough for this vessel.

 

Creepy Shanker Guy: This is now a Company vessel, and therefore shall be staffed by Company drones.

 

Sonic: Hey, hey, I believe I was promised the Black Pearl.

 

Master Chief: Oh, but you were! I'll give you the Black Pearl, alright!

 

Sonic: Is that some kinda ass sex euphemism?

 

Master Chief: Men, slug him in the chest unconvincingly!

 

[Two of the Master Chief's men grab Sonic and give him the weakest punch to the chest ever, but Sonic folds like a wet noodle anyways. The scene cuts back to the cabin of the Endeavour. Shadow is pouring shots.]

 

Shadow: However, we can come to an…alternate arrangement…

 

Knuckles: Listen, I'm pretty sure I told you many years back that I don't give blowjobs…

 

Shadow: And I'm pretty sure I sank your ship to the bottom of the ocean.

 

Knuckles: An original and startling point! Do continue!

 

Shadow: What I'm looking for here is information.

 

Knuckles: I presume you want to know about the Brethren Court…and if I were in a talkative mood, what would you want to know?

 

[Shadow leans in wicked uncomfortably close to Knuckles.]

 

Shadow: (licking his lips) Everything.

 

[The scene cuts back to the Pearl, where the crew is being chained up and the Master Chief is sitting around fuming like a bitch. Finally, he grabs Creepy Shanker Guy by the shoulder.]

 

Master Chief: Listen, Lord Shadow promised me the Black Pearl.

 

Creepy Shanker Guy: And you honestly believed he was gonna give you the fastest ship in the Caribbean? Are you fucking retarded, or what?

 

[Creepy Shanker Guy shakes loose of the Master Chief and walks off. Smoke pours visibly out of the Master Chief's helmet.]

 

Eggman: Oh, it's a crying shame that they aren't bound by the honor of pirates. Sure, we rape, pillage, plunder, and rape some more, but damn if we don't keep agreements with each other. Okay, well, sometimes we don't, but mostly we at least pretend to.

 

Master Chief: Do not take me for a fool, I'm simply throwing in my lot with the winning side.

 

Eggman: Honestly? The series is called “Pirates of the Caribbean” and you think it will end with our annihilation?

 

Master Chief: But wouldn't that be far more dramatic and historically accurate?

 

Eggman: Yeah, but you see, we have…Calypso on our side.

 

Master Chief: Calypso? She's a legend!

 

Eggman: No, she is very real…and I intend to release her. Imagine, the full power and fury of the ocean at our back! We can win! But, I will need…the entire Brethren Court assembled.

 

[The scene cuts back to Knuckles and Shadow.]

 

Knuckles: Okay, you can keep Eggman, the virus and the mumbling pirate…oh, and Sonic. Especially Sonic. Everybody else I keep, and I'll lead you straight to Shipwreck Cove, I hand you all the pirates, and you don't hand me to Big the Cat.

 

Shadow: And what becomes of Ms. Bat?

 

Knuckles: Why does she interest you? I thought you were a cockgobbler.

 

[The scene cuts back to the Pearl. Again.]

 

Master Chief: What are you proposing then?

 

Eggman: No, what be you accepting?

 

Master Chief: (in a tone of voice commonly associated with rape) The girl.

 

[Rouge turns white. Sonic is appalled as he sees his chances to get laid are quickly fading away. The scene returns to Knuckles and Shadow.]

 

Shadow: Perhaps it was all the cock that I've been sucking on, but suddenly, I recall that I have a compass that points to anything I want…

 

Knuckles: More cock?

 

Shadow: No…not cock, please, don't interrupt me when I'm starting a monologue…why, do I need you if I have a compass that points to anything I want?

 

[And back to the Pearl…]

 

Sonic: Rouge is not part of any bargain!

 

Eggman: Strictly out of the question!

 

Master Chief: I wasn't ASKING!

 

[And…back to the Endeavor…]

 

Knuckles: The problem is that….and the reason why you need me, is because the thing that you want most is me. Naked.

 

Shadow: You're pushing your luck!

 

[Pearl.]

 

Rouge: It's a deal!

 

Sonic: No! He's gonna try and rape you!

 

Rouge: If that's what it takes!

 

Master Chief: Seriously?

 

Rouge: No.

 

Master Chief: Well, fuck.

 

[…]

 

Shadow: Or, I could kill you…and then the compass would point to Shipwreck Cove.

 

Knuckles: Unless, turns out you're a necrophiliac, and it just points to my magnificent dead cock.

 

Shadow: Excuse me?

 

Knuckles: Have you noticed the gay little fan you've been using for this whole scene?

 

Shadow: Hey, you had it first!

 

[…and vice versa…]

 

Sonic: Rouge, he's a pirate!

 

Rouge: I've had enough experience dealing with pirates!

 

[Rouge ballchecks Sonic, who crumples to the deck.]

 

Eggman: Then we have a deal…

 

[The scene returns to Knuckles and Shadow.]

 

Knuckles: Actually you can go ahead and kill me. And then you will reach Shipwreck Cove, find that it is an impregnable base, blockade it for years, and then wish you hadn't killed the one echidna that could help push the pirates out.

 

Shadow: You could do that?

 

Knuckles: Come on, don't you know who I am?

 

Shadow: The…uhh…the Juggernaut?

 

Knuckles: I'm Captain Knuckles the Echidna, bitch!

 

[A cannon shot blasts through the Endeavour. Knuckles sprints out of the cabin. The Black Pearl is firing cannonade after cannonade into the side of the Endeavour. Eggman and Creepy Shanker Guy are dueling on top of the Pearl's poop deck (until C.S.G. falls into the ocean), and the Master Chief's junk is sailing away. Knuckles runs up to the poop deck of the Endeavour, ties his foot to a rope, which is tied to a mast, and then to a cannon. Shadow runs up after him.]

 

Shadow: You're fucking bonkers!

 

Knuckles: Good thing, otherwise this wouldn't work!

 

[Knuckles ignites the cannon, sending him flying through the air, where he crash lands onto the deck of the Pearl. The crew seems mildly concerned. Knuckles gets up and looks at Sonic.]

 

Knuckles: Men, take this disease-ridden, fecal matter-encrusted, shit-gargling, cum-sucking, [censored]-[censored] piece of whale [censored] [censored] [censored] vaginal discharge [censored] to the brig.

 

[As the Pearl sets off, Shadow stares after it. Tails, who has apparently been around here the whole time, walks up to him.]

 

Tails: Sir, which ship do we follow?

 

Shadow: I want the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction to close down on the Master Chief's junk. We shall pursue the Pearl. How soon till we are ready to sail?

 

[The main mast of the Endeavour comes crashing down. Get it? Isn't that riotously hysterical? Yeah, I know, the first film was better…]

 

Tails: So, do you think he plans this all out or is he just as crazy as he looks?

 

[Shadow glares at Tails, then turns to see the Black Pearl sailing away. Cue the dramatic music as the scene fades to black.]