Pirates Of The Caribbean Fan Fiction / Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ Pirates of the Caribbean: At Wit's End ❯ A Whole Slew of Boob Jokes ( Chapter 12 )

Chapter Twelve: A Whole Slew of Boob Jokes

 

[The scene changes to the Master Chief's junk. No! His ship, not his actual junk! Inside the captain's cabin, Rouge is getting all outfitted in some fancy oriental outfit, when the Master Chief strides down into the cabin, shirt unbuttoned.]

 

Master Chief: (crazy ass gibberish)

 

Rouge: Uh…

 

Master Chief: Do not worry…tomorrow, we will reach…Shipwreck Cove…and you will be…free.

 

Rouge: Free…from what?

 

Master Chief: Free…from this…human form in which…you have been…imprisoned, Ellipses.

 

Rouge: Calypso?

 

Master Chief: Cortana?

 

Rouge: Calypso.

 

Master Chief: Err, right. Yes, so many years ago, the First Brethren Court sealed you away in human form. A decision I disagreed with, but now that I see your impressive chest…perhaps they were on to something.

 

Rouge: You dirty perv.

 

Master Chief: But you can blame me? All men are drawn to the D's…the suppleness, the palm-filling size; pillows upon which a broken man can rest his soul.

 

Rouge: Yes, but some men say such things to cover for their crimes…the stalking, the fapping, the violent rape fantasies.

 

Master Chief: I can only offer my desire.

 

Rouge: And in return?

 

Master Chief: I would fondle your gifts…should you chose to give them.

 

[Rouge steps forward, as does the Master Chief, who is now standing uncomfortably close to Rouge.]

 

Rouge: And if not?

 

Master Chief: Then…I shall take your virginity!

 

[The Master Chief makes a sudden move and clangs his helmet against Rouge's head. The Master Chief stumbles back as Rouge clutches her forehead.]

 

Rouge: What the fuck?! Ow! That hurts!

 

Master Chief: God damn it all! I forgot I had this helmet on!

 

Rouge: You fucker! You were trying to rape me! And you smashed my forehead in! You jackass!

 

[Suddenly the side of the cabin just blows the hell up and a cannon shot sends the Master Chief through another wall. Outside, the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction has pulled alongside the junk, and is peppering it with fire, and salting it with boarding fishy pirates.]

 

Kerrigan: Leave none alive!

 

[Back downstairs, Rouge suddenly feels more inclined towards her former attempted-rapist.]

 

Rouge: Uhh…Master Chief?

 

[The Chief beckons her over. He's buried under a pile of wood, blood pouring everywhere. He rips a medallion from around his neck.]

 

Master Chief: Take this… set aside the sexpot, and become who you were born to be! Become the captain of this ship!

 

Rouge: Captain? I'm no captain!

 

[The Master Chief leans in close.]

 

Master Chief: I'm sorry I tried to rape you, but I'm far sorrier…that I didn't succeed.

 

[The Master Chief leans back and dies. Two sailors of his ship run downstairs to see their dead leader. Maybe one of them is Ping-Pong from earlier, I can't tell. They all look the same. Especially under the mud they use as an excuse for make-up…]

 

Maybe Ping-Pong: What did he say?

 

Rouge: He made me…captain!

 

Maybe Ping-Pong: A woman captain?! How outrageous! This is the 1700's, not some far flung progressive future like 1802! I won't stand it for it!

 

[Maybe Ping-Pong sprints upstairs, Rouge in hot pursuit, when they run into two redcoats who capture them. They struggle briefly, as Tails strides across the deck.]

 

Tails: Rouge?

 

Rouge: Tails?

 

[Rouge breaks free of the redcoat holding her and runs to Tails.]

 

Tails: Oh, thank God you're alive! Your father is gonna be so happy!

 

Rouge: Really, you think he will?

 

Tails: Of course he will!

 

Rouge: Well, he won't, because he's dead.

 

Tails: I…I had no idea, they told me…he…he returned to England.

 

Rouge: Did Lord Shadow tell you that while you weren't busy bobbing on his cock?

 

Tails: Hey…that hurts, you know?

 

[Big the Cat storms onto the deck.]

 

Big: Who among ye do ye name as ye captain?

 

Maybe Ping-Pong: Her! She is captain!

 

Rouge: Oh, you little backstabbing shit!

 

Big: Captain? A woman? Oh-ho-ho! How scandalous!

 

Tails: (turning to Big) Tow the ship. Put any survivors in the brig. The captain will be held in my…personal quarters.

 

Rouge: Thank you, but I'd prefer to remain with my crew, who until 5 seconds ago didn't consider me their captain and would have gladly keelhauled or raped me.

 

[Rouge turns to walk away, but Tails grabs her shoulder.]

 

Tails: Rouge, I swear, I didn't know.

 

Rouge: (in a terribly pretentious tone of voice) Didn't know? Didn't know which side you chose?

 

Tails: Oh, well pardon me for choosing the side of the law. I'm sure glad to see you went with the side that rapes, pillages, burns, kills, and destroys. That's a real positive life lesson for all the kid's watching this movie, you WHORE.

 

[Rouge glares at Tails, and backs towards her men. And right into the crotch of one suddenly excited looking Asian guy. The scene cut's to what is now Rouge's junk being towed behind the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction. Inside the ship, Rouge and her slew of Asians are being locked up.]

 

Rouge: Forty-seven?

 

[A fishy seaman who looks vaguely like the Beast from “Beauty and the Beast” growls at her and moves on.]

 

Rouge: Forty-seven?

 

[Another seaman who looks like that guy with the spikes that grew out of his face in “X-Men 3” laughs and walks off.]

 

47: Forty-seven?

 

[Rouge turns to the sound of the voice, and sees 47 attached to the wall behind her.]

 

47: You know my name?

 

Rouge: I know your son…

 

47: Sonic?

 

Rouge: Yes…uh…how does that even work?

 

[47 pops out of the wall, looking fishier than the last time we saw him.]

 

47: Oh, he's alive and he's sent you to tell me he's coming!

 

Rouge: Er…

 

47: Speaking of coming, has he tapped you yet? Just out of curiosity, cause the child was very horny last time I saw him…bad case of the blue balls.

 

Rouge: I'm gonna choose to ignore that…he said he's coming to save you!

 

47: (deeply serious) He can't save me. He won't come.

 

Rouge: But you're his father! Somehow!

 

47: Because of you! You prevent him from coming!

 

Rouge: How do I do that?

 

47: You're Rouge! He talked about you…at great length. Your reputation precedes even your enormous boobs.

 

Rouge: Can anyone go one conversation without talking about my boobs?

 

47: Your boobs are what doom me. If he kills Big, he must become the captain of the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction…and then he loses you, and any chance to nail the fuck outta you.

 

Rouge: I'm absolutely sure there wasn't a less crass way of saying that.

 

47: He won't pick me. I wouldn't pick me. Not when you've got such a fuckable body. Mmm…yes. Tell him to stay away.

 

[47 walks up the wall, and starts to fuse back with it.]

 

47: I'm already part of the ship…already part of the ship.

 

[47 falls silent. Rouge walks up to him and puts her hands on…what is certainly not his hand.]

 

Rouge: Forty-seven?

 

47: You know my name?

 

Rouge: I know your son…

 

47: Sonic?

 

Rouge: Yes…

 

47: He's coming to save me….you'll see…he promised. Gotta think with his head…but which one will he choose?

 

[Rouge looks at 47 with something akin to pity, but not being the strongest actress around, she maintains the same facial expression she always has: one of pouty sensuality.]