Pirates Of The Caribbean Fan Fiction / Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ Pirates of the Caribbean: At Wit's End ❯ Prison Break ( Chapter 13 )

Chapter Thirteen: Prison Break

 

[The scene cuts to a dead guy tied to a barrel. Some seagulls, far from their native habitat of mall parking lots, are pecking at him. The guy is dragged aboard the Endeavour where Lord Shadow finds a note.]

 

Shadow: We are meant to follow.

 

Creepy Shanker Guy: Is it a trap?

 

Shadow: No. A desperate gambit by a good opponent. Adjust course. Follow the bodies. For once, we shall follow a trail of corpses that will not lead to some coked-out “Halo 3” fanboy…

 

[The scene cuts to the Black Pearl, where Sonic has tied the body of some unfortunate extra to a barrel and is cutting the barrel loose. He takes a moment to look at his knife, the one given to him last movie by his father, a moment so drawn out and absurd it's the visual equivalent of clubbing the audience over the head and going “REMEMBER THIS, DUMBASSES?!”.]

 

Knuckles: Well, Sonic, you escaped from the brig even faster than I had suspected…

 

[Knuckles is perched on the bowsprit. Sonic points his blade at him.]

 

Knuckles: Sonic, Sonic, don't you notice anything? Or rather, don't you notice what that isn't there that can't be noticed?

 

Sonic: You…you haven't raised an alarm?

 

Knuckles: My, but aren't you an astute observer…and may I enquire as to the nature of this gentlemen you've tied across this barrel? Am I to believe that you are about to pound his corpse?

 

Sonic: My thought process was: think like Knuckles.

 

Knuckles: Ah, so you intend to sodomize his corpse, and then dispatch it to the oceans, where the pursuing Lord Shadow can find it, and you can lead him straight to Shipwreck Cove, sell us all out, and gain his trust and therefore be allowed to save you and your father from Big the Cat. How totally unlike me.

 

Sonic: Dude, you did just that, like, six or seven pages ago.

 

Knuckles: Minus the sodomy. And don't talk about the script; you're breaking the audience's suspension of disbelief.

 

Sonic: More than the fact that this movie sucks harder than your mom after a night out?

 

Knuckles: Har-de-har-har. Speaking of sucking, how did your voluptuous life partner respond to this plan of yours? Wait, let me guess, you didn't tell her, did you?

 

Sonic: I'm losing her Knuckles. Every step closer to my father, is a step further away from her.

 

Knuckles: I'm not gonna criticize your decision, I know some people prefer gay incest over sexing up the hottest fucking babe in the universe.

 

Sonic: What was that?

 

Knuckles: Oh nothing. I'm sure your father will be gentle. Perhaps Sonic, I can extend a proposition that will solve your problem. What if someone else were to kill Big and take his place? Then you'd be free to spend your life with Tits McGee. I understand that may not be as satisfying as an eternity being plowed up the ass by your dad, but, beggars can't be choosers.

 

Sonic: But who would kill Big for me?

 

[Knuckles smiles like a fucking tard.]

 

Sonic: You? You'd willingly bind yourself to the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction for all eternity?

 

Knuckles: No, my boy. I'd be free for all eternity. Free to sail past the edges of the map…

 

Sonic: But you've gotta do his job, you have to ferry the dead into the next world, and if you don't, you end up looking like Big, which is a plot point we've decided to introduce just now.

 

Knuckles: Hmm…I don't quite have the face for tentacles, though I sure do love seeing them in action. Though, I could become a schoolgirl raping abomination…immortality does have its benefits.

 

[Knuckles hands Sonic his compass.]

 

Sonic: What…what's this for?

 

Knuckles: Think like me, and it'll come to you.

 

Sonic: (puzzled) This won't fit up my ass at all…

 

[Knuckles breathes on Sonic, who falls off the Pearl, then Knuckles tosses the barrel with attached dead guy into the water, and I'm really not sure if this scene was supposed to be funny or serious…]

 

Knuckles: Sonic! Give my regards to Big the Cat!

 

[The Pearl starts to sail off, and Sonic clambers onto the barrel and the dead guy.]

 

Sonic: I hate that rat bastard so much…

 

[The scene cuts back to the jail cells of the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction. The door is opened by…Tails. Rouge (with the most obnoxious look of stuck-upness imaginable) and her Asian cohorts just stare at him.]

 

Tails: Well, hurry!

 

[Rouge continues to glare at him, and I just want to reach through the screen and smack the pretentious bitch.]

 

Rouge: What are you doing?

 

Tails: Freeing you, you miserable twat!

 

[The scene cuts to the exterior of the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction where the Asians are crawling along the ropes that are tugging the junk back…to the junk, presumably {Author's Note: I am aware that sentence was terrible}. Rouge stops next to Tails and continues to look so absolutely fucking stuck-up that I want to bash her skull in.]

 

Rouge: It's too late to earn my forgiveness!

 

Tails: Listen, Miss Bitchy McStick-up-the-Ass, I had nothing to do with your father getting killed. Do you even remember the first movie? I was practically polishing his knob all flick long.

 

Rouge: There was a first movie?

 

[Back inside the jail cell of the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction, 47 walks out the open cell door. Meanwhile, back outside…]

 

Tails: Listen, you can't go to Shipwreck Cove! There's a traitor in your midst…one of your guys is the mole!

 

Rouge: I still won't forgive you!

 

Tails: I know this doesn't absolve my….other sins.

 

[What follows is an exceptionally awkward pause that only raises the question as to what the flipping hell Tails “other sins” were, cause it seems like whatever they were, they were heinously inappropriate. Rouge stares moodily into the distance.]

 

Rouge: Come with us Tails! Come with me! Come all over me!

 

Tails: Excuse me?

 

Rouge: You heard me!

 

[Just as Tails' wildest hardcore fantasies are about to come {Author's Note: Ha!} true, someone sees them.]

 

47: Who goes there? What's going on here?

 

Tails: Run, Rouge! And I shall follow!

 

Rouge: You're lying!

 

Tails: Of course I am. I'm gonna get massacred in like, five seconds. Save your tits before they do meet an ugly fate at the hands of dozens of seamen!

 

Rouge: No, you don't have to do this!

 

[Tails grabs Rouge and kisses her passionately. As have most of the cast and crew in this movie.]

 

Tails: Fly, you fool!

 

[Rouge starts crawling along the rope back to the junk. 47 walks up to Tails.]

 

47: What are you doing? Nobody gets off the ship…you're always part of the ship…you can't get off on this ship….part of the ship…

 

Tails: Okay, psycho boy, let's calm down a little…

 

47: Prisoner escape! All hands!

 

Rouge: (yelling) TAILS!

 

[Tails turns to see Rouge on the rope. He gets a dramatic look in his eye, and shoots the rope, freeing the junk and dropping Rouge and some Asians into the water. 47 promptly stabs Tails. He does not appear to enjoy it. In the water, the once again soaked Rouge flounders about, screaming Tails' name while the audience pays no attention to whatever it is she's saying, because let's face it, there are big wet tits around. A whole bunch of fishy pirates walk up to Tails' corpse.]

 

Kerrigan: The Admiral is dead…

 

[Big storms up to Tails.]

 

Big: Do you fear death? Do you fear the dark abyss? Do you fear…my fishing levels from Sonic Adventure?

 

[Tails looks up at Big and stabs him with his sword.]

 

Tails: I…used a saved file from the internet…and skipped your levels…

 

[Tails dies.]

 

Big: I'll take that as a no…

 

[Big pulls the sword out of chest.]

 

Big: Oh-ho-ho, this is a good sword.

 

[Big storms across the deck of the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction as the fishy pirates slaughter redcoats left and right. He stomps into the captain's quarters, but the heart is being defended by, at a conservative estimate, the entire British army. Creepy Shanker Guy steps forward.]

 

Creepy Shanker Guy: The Person-of-Dutch-Extraction is under my command now.

 

Big: For now.

 

[Big turns around, and stomps right the hell back out of the captain's quarters.]