Pirates Of The Caribbean Fan Fiction / Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ Pirates of the Caribbean: At Wit's End ❯ The Emo Phase ( Chapter 14 )

Chapter Fourteen: The Emo Phase

 

[The scene cuts to the island from “Lost”, accompanied by Howard Shore's majestic music from…”The Lord of the Rings”. Real imaginative, guys. The Black Pearl moves along the coastline.]

 

Boris: Comrade Crewmen, be careful! They do not call this Shipwreck Island for no reason! Shipwreck Cove, the town of Shipwreck, Mt. Shipwreck, and Shipwreck Lagoon earned their name!

 

Arthas: As did the Shipwreck Strip Club!

 

Boris: I warn you Comrades, they will wreck your ship there! If you know what I mean!

 

Arthas: They do anal plunging!

 

Boris: Why do they continue to let you talk, you pansy?

 

Arthas: Uh, cause, I'm actually gonna be in the next sequel to my game…unlike you.

 

Boris: (on the verge of tears) I hate you! I hate you so much!

 

[Boris runs below deck. The camera swivels to Eggman and Amy, chatting near the poop deck.]

 

Eggman: I don't back out of deals I've made. We agreed on ends only, not on the means to the ends.

 

[Amy grabs Eggman's ass.]

 

Amy: Speaking of ends…Robotnik you would do well to remember who brought you back from the dead…and who can send you back…

 

[The ass Amy is holding onto turns all skeletal, reminding the audience of how good the first movie was in comparison to this tripe.]

 

Eggman: And remember why you needed me back from the dead…Calypso.

 

[Amy looks around in shock in case any idiots haven't yet figured out that she's Calypso {Author's Note: Spoiler alert!}.]

 

Eggman: It took nine Pirates Lords to bind you in the land where the shadows lie; it'll take nine to free you. Cervantes, Megabyte!

 

[Megabyte and Cervantes rush up to Eggman.]

 

Eggman: Take this fishwife to the brig!

 

Megabyte: Ah, I thought I smelled fish…

 

Cervantes: Arr.

 

Megabyte: Aye, it be rank.

 

[The two escort Amy down below the ship's deck. The scene cuts to the Endeavour, where Big is walking into Shadow's cabin. Notice that on the way in he bumps into some high ranking redcoat, who, I swear, is actually Tails. Or, some other pasty white guy who looks exactly like Tails did. Big stares down Shadow who is sitting at a table facing a blue hedgehog. Wonder who that could be…]

 

Big: I am not some dog that can be made to come whenever you ask.

 

Shadow: I do believe that you have a special collar somewhere that makes sure of just that.

 

Big: Oh-ho-ho! Into the S&M scene are we? Tell me, do you know what its like to ride a mechanical bull when you're strapped down by leather belts with iron buckles? To feel your innards churn under pressure so intense it is classified as illegal in all 50 states which actually don't exist at the time this movie takes place?

 

Shadow: I'm pretty sure you took a subtle joke about S&M and just turned it into a horrifying statement about being raped by a pneumatic pump…thanks, Big. Thanks a lot.

 

Big: No problem.

 

Shadow: Well, I seem to have completely lost where I was going with this…ah yes, I believe you have already met my guest.

 

[The blue hedgehog turns around to reveal himself as…Sonic!]

 

Big: Master Hedgehog! Are you here to join my crew again?

 

Sonic: No. I'm here to join his.

 

[Sonic shoots a look of passionate longing towards Shadow.]

 

Sonic: Also, Knuckles the Echidna sends his regards.

 

Big: Knuckles?

 

Sonic: Oh? Didn't anyone tell you? Knuckles was freed from the FootLocker.

 

Big: Okay, okay, maybe it's time we keep the evil dread pirate lord of the dead up to date with what the fuck is actually happening. Like, Jesus, keep me detailed on the plot here.

 

Shadow: Big, I've love to, but I can't make heads or, if you'll pardon the pun, tails of it.

 

Big: By the way, he's dead.

 

Shadow: Oh…that was in poor taste.

 

Sonic: Very poor.

 

Shadow: Well, if he's in the afterlife now, he's probably reunited with his testicles.

 

Sonic: I had no idea they had been separated…

 

Shadow: It's a long, and frankly, boring story. We however, have more pressing issues at hand. Big, what do you know of…Calypso?

 

[Big has a mini freak-out.]

 

Big: Calypso? She is nothing more than a pagan idol! One who promises men their wildest fantasies, and then charges an obscene fee just to get three minutes to play with her cl-

 

Shadow: Okay, we get it. We really get it. Please don't talk. What I'm trying to get at is that the Brethren Court wishes to release her.

 

Big: NO! They can't! They promised me that they would never set her free! NEVER!

 

Shadow: Okay…calm down a little…

 

Big: I told them how to seal her! How to restrain her in human form! They can't let her go!

 

[Long silent pause goes here.]

 

Sonic: You loved her.

 

Big: What?

 

Sonic: You loved her…and then you betrayed her.

 

Big: That's her side of the story! She broke my heart and betrayed me! She pretended to love me!

 

Sonic: Looking at you, it's no wonder she had to fake it…

 

[Sonic takes a sip from his cup of tea. It is worth mentioning that Sonic and Shadow have both been walking around with cups of tea taking the gayest little slurps imaginable throughout this whole scene.]

 

Big: Excuse me?

 

Sonic: And when did you decide to cut out your heart? Was that part of your emo phase? Did you get your black panties all in a bunch when mean ol' Calypso got sick of you stalking her?

 

[Big smashes Sonic's cup of tea against the wall.]

 

Sonic: Hey…I hadn't finished that.

 

Big: Don't mock me boy, I will fucking eat your face off.

 

Sonic: You'll free my father. And Shadow, you shall guarantee Rouge's freedom, as well as my own.

 

Shadow: Your demands are…steep, Mr. Hedgehog.

 

Big: And I demand you murder Calypso! And her corpse be given to me in my private quarters!

 

Shadow: And you are taking the jealous lover routine into really sketchy territory.

 

Sonic: Yeah, dude, you gotta chill. There are other fish in the sea. I hear dolphins fuck good. You know, hot dolphin!

 

Big: The moment will come, Mr. Hedgehog, when I will crush your head like a ripe fruit.

 

Shadow: Speaking of fruits…Sonic, how do you expect to lead us to Shipwreck Cove as you are no longer on the Pearl?

 

[Sonic pulls Knuckles' compass out of his pocket.]

 

Sonic: What do you want most? Besides cock.

 

Shadow: Why does everyone constantly assume I like sucking cocks?