Pirates Of The Caribbean Fan Fiction / Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ Pirates of the Caribbean: At Wit's End ❯ A Gaggle of Pirates ( Chapter 15 )

Chapter Fifteen: A Gaggle of Pirates

 

[The scene cuts to Shipwreck Cove, which is, surprisingly, a cove. The pirate base itself defies description and can be summed up best as the result of someone whipping some Lego sets at a wall and gluing the shattered remnants together to make some ramshackle tower of epic fail. Alternately, a Christmas tree that should've been thrown out two months ago. Take your pick. The Pearl sails in majestically amongst dozens of other pirate vessels. The crew stands in awe of the special effects.]

 

Eggman: There hasn't been a gathering like this in our lifetime.

 

Knuckles: And I owe them all money.

 

Eggman: Wow, I feel like I'm in a movie trailer now…

 

[The scene cuts to the Brethren Court's meeting room…place…thing…location. A whole gaggle of pirates are sitting around a large table in a dank room chatting amongst themselves. For future reference, the Nine Pirate Lords include: John Madden, Mario, Megatron, Duff Man, Marko Ramius, and the Weighted Companion Cube. Eggman slams a large weight into the table and everybody falls silent.]

 

Eggman: As he who issued the summons, I shall now call into session the 4th gathering of the Brethren Court, which as a result of a successful lawsuit by several interested parties has been renamed to the “Gender-Neutral, Non-Judgmental, Culturally Accepting, Handicap-Accessible Willing Coalition Of Individuals Devoted To The Liberation Of Goods Upon The High, And Not To Discriminate, Low, Seas And Other Bodies Of Water And Land As The Case May Or May Not Be, Given The Circumstances Faced By The Individual And His Or Her Crew At The Time”. Or the “GNNJCAHAWCOIDTTLOGUTHANTDLSAOBOWALATCMOMNBGTCFBTIAHOHCATT” for short. And don't even ask me how to pronounce that.

 

[Silence.]

 

Eggman: Alright, to count as a Pirate Lord, please deposit your piece of eight into the collection basket that will be going around. Please, give generously as your contributions can help save a child's life.

 

[Cervantes grabs a small bowl and walks around to the pirate captains. The Lords, with a bit of embarrassment, toss in pieces of stuff into the bowl.]

 

Megabyte: Those aren't pieces of eight…those are just…pieces of crap.

 

Boris: The original intention was to use pieces of eight, but the first pirate lords were so broke they had to use whatever they had.

 

Megabyte: Why not fix the name?

 

Boris: Somehow “The Pieces of Whatever the Hell Shit was on Hand” lacks a certain dramatic touch…

 

Megabyte: Well, that just makes a ton of sense.

 

[Cervantes walks up to Eggman.]

 

Cervantes: Arr! Arr arr arr.

 

Eggman: Thanks for keeping it safe, but we do need it back now.

 

[Eggman clocks Cervantes on the back of the head, popping out the fake eye, and reminding the Author that he completely failed to include that plot device in his parodies. Shit.]

 

Duff Man: Duff Man wishes to inquire why Knuckles has failed to deposit his Piece of Eight! Oh yeah!

 

[Knuckles turns to the other Pirate Lords and absentmindedly plays with the jewelry in his hair.]

 

Knuckles: Well, you see my dear and esteemed fellow Pirate Lords, we are as yet missing one Pirate Lord, the highly overrated Master Chief, and I am thoroughly content with waiting here, at this location, till such time as when he should arrive.

 

Dramatic Off-screen Voice: THE MASTER CHIEF IS DEAD!

 

[The camera snaps to the left to show Rouge standing all…dramatically.]

 

Rouge: The Master Chief was overtaken by the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction.

 

[Rouge walks up to a globe filled with pirate swords and slams her sword into it.]

 

Knuckles: He made you a Pirate Lord? Are we just giving the title away?

 

[The assembled pirates start yelling at each other.]

 

Rouge: Hey! Shut up! SHUT UP!

 

[The pirates quiet down a little.]

 

Rouge: Listen, the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction is under the command of Lord Shadow the Hedgehog! He knows we are here and is proceeding to Shipwreck Cove with all due haste! And with the entire assembled fleet of the East India Company!

 

[Everyone gasps.]

 

Mario: Who-a told them that-a we-a are-a here?

 

Eggman: Obviously nobody who is here. Because that would just be silly.

 

Rouge: Where's Sonic?

 

Knuckles: Not here. I hope you gather that I'm insinuating that he's responsible for telling Lord Shadow that we're here.

 

Eggman: Okay, twats, let's shut up for a few minutes. We can't change the fact that they know we are here, but I ask you all, what shall we do?

 

Rouge: We shall stand and fight! We cannot achieve victory through strength of arms, but we can give Frodo a chance if we keep Sauron's Eye fixed upon us!

 

Knuckles: Wait, what?

 

Marko Ramius: Lishen little lady, that'sh not how we do thingsh here!

 

Duff Man: Duff Man would like to point out that this place is a fortress! Oh yeah!

 

Eggman: Hang on, please, quiet, I'd like to suggest a third way to go about this. Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears so that I may remind you what brought us together in the first place. Many years ago we sealed the goddess Calypso in mortal form. This was a mistake. Yes, I see you looking around with barely concealed shock and confusion. What did we accomplish by locking up Calypso? Sure, we didn't all drown because of typhoons every thirty odd minutes, but it allowed law-abiding scum like Shadow to enter the seas. Much better were the days when one earned their right to sail the seas not through deals with eternal beings, but through the strength of his arms and the pungency of his ball sweat. It seems to me that we have only option: we must free Calypso. She'll obviously be so ingratiated that we freed her after years of abject humiliation and slavery that she'll do whatever we want. She'll do anything we want her to do. Anything. You guys get what I mean here? Anything, and that includes naked stuff.

 

[A horribly long and awkward pause descends upon the room. Eggman looks around and then all the Pirates start yelling and screaming again.]

 

Megatron: Release Calypso? Are…you…INSANE?!

 

John Madden: The Master Chief would've agreed with this plan! And what the Chief says, we do! Boom!

 

Mario: I highly doubt that-a she'll be-a happy with-a us…

 

[The pirates start fighting with each other.]

 

Rouge: This is madness…

 

Knuckles: No. This…is…Sparta!

 

Rouge: Seriously? You don't think that joke is getting the least bit worn out yet?

 

Knuckles: Never! That'll stop being funny when relentlessly quoting “Austin Powers” stops being funny.

 

Rouge: Whatever. We've still got a problem here…this isn't the best time to fight it out. Our enemies are almost here.

 

Eggman: If they aren't here already…dun-dun-dunnn!

 

Knuckles: Uh, that was the soundtrack's cue, not yours.

 

Eggman: Oh.

 

Soundtrack: DUN-DUN-DUNNN!

 

[The scene cuts to the Black Pearl, moored outside Shipwreck Cove. Inside a jail cell, Amy looks at her…music box…or whatever the hell that thing is. It plays a sad little melody, and then she closes the box. But, amazingly enough, the melody starts again from off camera! Amy turns to look. Big the Cat steps out of the shadows.]

 

Amy: You came for me…

 

Big: I only ever came for you.

 

Amy: That's so sweet…

 

Big: I see you expected me.

 

Amy: It's been torture, Big, trapped in this pathetic body, separated from the seas, separated from the things I love the most…from the man I love the most.

 

[And after one pained look of longing between Big and Amy, this romance beats out Anakin and Padme's for “Most Believable Film Romance Ever”.]

 

Big: I waited…for ten years. For ten years I did what you told me. For ten years I suffered…and when I returned to you, when we could finally be together…you were there. But you were bouncing on top of some other dude's cock. Why?

 

Amy: Uh…it's my nature? Isn't that what you love about me?

 

Big: I didn't love you because you were a slut who'd bang whoever rolled into town! Bitch, I suffered for you!

 

Amy: You were many things Big, but you were never evil. You grew corrupt, and corrupted yourself. And hid what was mine…

 

[Amy touches Big, and all the tentacles vanish. He looks normal now. He reaches out a hand and strokes Calypso's face with…his middle finger? Huh?]

 

Big: Calypso…

 

[Amy sm- {Author's Note: Screw it, this scene sucks just as hard as that Sonic/Rouge scene from earlier. Suffice to say, Amy says she'll be with Big if only he had a heart, which will necessitate the spinoff film “Davy Jones goes to Meet the Wonderful Wizard of Oz”, and we learn that Amy is not too inclined towards the pirates and if they free her she most certainly won't do naked stuff, and then there's a lot of pointless bullshit that we're all getting so very tired of at this point, so I'm just skipping the rest of this scene and if you don't like that, well tough shit}.]