Pirates Of The Caribbean Fan Fiction / Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ Pirates of the Caribbean: At Wit's End ❯ Human Bondage ( Chapter 18 )

Chapter Eighteen: Human Bondage

 

[The scene cuts to the Black Pearl, where Eggman, Rouge, and Sonic are boarding. Rouge is talking about some nonsense or other, but stops when she sees a heavily bound Amy being pulled up from below decks.]

 

Rouge: Whoa, what's going on here? We can't just release Calypso all willy-nilly!

 

Sonic: Yeah…we have to give Knuckles a chance! And I can't believe I just said that…

 

[Suddenly, about 40 pirates surround Rouge and Sonic and draw their swords and guns on them.]

 

Eggman: I'm sorry, your majesty, but I have spent too much with my fate left in the hands of others, now I will take my fate into my own hands by trying to release an unstoppable, über-powerful god and assume that they'll play nice with their former captors.

 

[Eggman rips the medallion the Master Chief gave Rouge from her neck. The scene cuts to the Endeavour. Shadow is walking down a deck full of well-dressed, pasty, and possibly gay British men {Author's Note: I'm just kidding! They actually are gay}.]

 

Shadow: Ladies and Gentlemen, the enemy has chosen oblivion. Give it to them, as hard as possible.

 

Effeminate British Guy #1: To your ships men!

 

Shadow: But don't actually engage the enemy in combat. Just sit there on the horizon looking all menacing-like.

 

[The scene cuts back to the Pearl. Cervantes is holding the bowl with the pieces of eight in front of Amy. Eggman walks up and drops the last two pieces in.]

 

Boris: Is that all, Comrade Captain?

 

Eggman: No. We must light the items on fire, and then say “Calypso, I free you from your human bonds”.

 

Arthas: Human bondage, you mean.

 

Eggman: No. Never.

 

Arthas: Well, that's no fun.

 

Megabyte: That's seriously all?

 

Eggman: But you must say it as you would to a lover!

 

[The sketchiest facial expression in the world crosses the face of every male pirate in the scene. I tell you, this is how rapes get started. Eggman pours oil on the items, and lights them.]

 

Eggman: Calypso, I free you from your human bonds!

 

[Dramatic pause followed by nothing.]

 

Boris: I don't think you said it right…

 

[Everyone stands around awkwardly. Gordon Freeman steps out of the mass of pirates, walks up to Amy, leans toward her ear, and says…something, presumably. And then Amy orgasms {Author's Note: Try and tell me that isn't what happens here}. Her eyes roll into the back of her head and she twitches a lot. Sonic steps forward.]

 

Sonic: Amy?

 

[No response.]

 

Sonic: Calypso?

 

[Amy quickly turns to face Sonic.]

 

Sonic: Calypso, when you were first sealed by the First Brethren Court…who was it that told them how to do it? Who betrayed you?

 

Amy: Who?

 

Sonic: It was Big…Big the Cat.

 

[Amy twitches some more and then starts to grow really, really tall. But so do the ropes wrapped around her, which I guess makes…no sense. Everyone stands around looking at her nervously.]

 

Random Pirate: Would you look at that! Now that she's a hundred feet tall, her boobs are almost as big as Rouge's!

 

Rouge: I heard that!

 

Other Random Pirate: Dude, total upskirt shot!

 

[Eggman steps forward and bows. The rest of the pirates follow that example.]

 

Eggman: Oh great and mighty Calypso, I have fulfilled my obligation and have set you free. I, as but a mere servant, humble and contrite, would now only ask for one small favor in return. Spare this ship and her crew, but bring your wrath down upon those who would wish to be our masters, and who would try to be your masters, which until about two minutes or so ago, was us.

 

[The giant Amy stares at Eggman with a malicious smile on her face. She bares her horrid, horrid, disease ridden teeth.]

 

Amy: AAAAANNNGRRYYY RAAAAAAAAAAGGGGEEEE!!

 

[And then she turns into a bunch of crabs, which collapse onto the deck and vanish into the ocean. And what the fuck was all that about? Beats the shit out of me, and frankly, I don't even care anymore. Once all the crabs are gone, the crew runs up to the railings and looks around.]

 

Megabyte: So…was that all?

 

Cervantes: Arr.

 

Boris: A little bit disappointing.

 

Megabyte: That is totally what your mother said last night.

 

Boris: You…you do realize you just insulted yourself?

 

Megabyte: Aye, I don't have much staying power…

 

Arthas: Now what, Captain Fancy Pants?

 

Eggman: It doesn't matter…our last great hope is gone.

 

[Everyone stands around looking thoughtful and sad. A light wind begins to pick up. Approximately 18 shots of rigging creaking and swaying in the wind follow.]

 

Rouge: There never was much hope…just a fool's hope…

 

Eggman: We are faced with an entire armada. We can't win, and vengeance won't bring back your father. And I don't feel like dying for that.

 

[Rouge turns to look at Eggman.]

 

Rouge: (dramatically husky) You're right…

 

[She walks a few feet towards the crew. The stirring in the string section informs us that we are about to get a load of Dramatic Speechifyingâ„¢.]

 

Rouge: Then what shall we die for?

 

[Rouge begins to walk through the assembled pirates.]

 

Rouge: You will listen to me. LISTEN!

 

[She dramatically steps up to the side of ship and dramatically grabs hold of some dramatic rope ladder.]

 

Rouge: I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me! The GNNJCAHAWCOIDTTLOGUTHANTDLSAOBOWALATCMOMNBGTCFBTIAHOHCATT will still look at us to lead! They will look to the Black Pearl! And what shall they see? Cowards hiding in the bilges of the ship? No, they shall see the heroes they need! We shall fight…for freedom! For it is not free, this freedom! Great men once calculated the price of freedom at a buck-oh-five! We shall pay that buck-oh-five! So, we shall fight! And what the enemy shall see will be the flash of our cannons! And not the ones on my chest, no, the ones on our ships! And the enemy shall cower, sheer terror gripping tight their hearts with icy fingers! By the sweat of our balls, the strength in our backs, and the courage in our hearts, we shall rescue a world from the mysticism and tyranny of lawfulness, and usher in a future of criminality and piracy brighter than anything we can imagine! A future where you can download this movie in DVD quality before it even hits theaters! Gentlemen, hoist the colors…for as of this moment, we…are…at…war!

 

[The camera sweeps over the pirates.]

 

Sonic: Aye, hoist the colors!

 

Cervantes: Arr, arr arr arr!

 

Megabyte: Hoist the colors!

 

Boris: The wind is at our backs, what more do we need comrades? Hoist the colors!

 

[The camera snaps dramatically to Rouge, who turns towards the neighboring ships.]

 

Rouge: HOIST THE COLORS!

 

[And what follows is the only scene I actually liked in the whole film. The camera moves from ship to ship, music swelling dramatically, as each of the Pirate Lords raises their flag. The scene is just so badass, it should totally be in a different, much better movie. Like, say, “Transformers”, or “The Dark Knight”, to just pick two films at random. Rouge stands dramatically on the bridge of the Black Pearl, flanked by Eggman and Sonic as the Pearl's flag is raised. The camera centers on the flapping Jolly Roger. The scene then cuts and the only glimmering moment of brightness in this movie fizzles out. Shadow is sitting at a table on the Endeavour, taking more little gay tea slurps. An aide runs up to him.]

 

Aide: Sir, the winds are favorable. And pungent.

 

Shadow: (sniffing the air) So they are. Signal Big and tell him he can kill whatever the fuck he wants to kill. That should make him happy.

 

[Another British guy waves a message across to the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction. Onboard the ship, Creepy Shanker Guy turns to the crew.]

 

Creepy Shanker Guy: We are to give no quarter! Rape and kill everything that moves!

 

[The fishy pirates cheer. Big stomps along the deck and looks up into the sky, where a rather worrisome looking cloud formation is…forming.]

 

Big: Calypso…

 

[It starts to rain. Big smiles.]

 

Big: Ah…a sweet golden shower upon my brow…

 

Kerrigan: Do you know what that means?

 

Big: I do.

 

Kerrigan: That means tha…oh, disgusting.