Pirates Of The Caribbean Fan Fiction / Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ Pirates of the Caribbean: At Wit's End ❯ Dramatic and Overblown Climax, Part One ( Chapter 19 )

Chapter Nineteen: Dramatic and Overblown Climax, Part One

 

[It begins to lightning and thunder. The Person-of-Dutch-Extractions leaps forward from the East India Company fleet. On the other side, the Black Pearl moves as well. The rain begins pouring down, lightning cracking across the sky every few seconds. The roar of thunder echoes across the battle…ocean? In between the two approaching vessels, a gigantic bathtub drain has just been pulled. Boris leans over the edge of the Pearl.]

 

Boris: MAELSTROM!

 

[The camera cuts to Rouge and Sonic looking shocked, and behind them Gordon Freeman, manning the wheel, looking positively overwhelmed. The camera pans left to Eggman who is just standing there looking at his hands.]

 

Rouge: Captain Robotnik! We need you at the helm.

 

[Eggman turns to look at her.]

 

Eggman: You do, don't you?

 

[Eggman sprints to the wheel, pushes Freeman out of the way, and grabs the wheel.]

 

Eggman: (laughing maniacally) WHY SO SERIOUS, YOU SCURVY BILGE RATS?! TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO DIE!

 

[Rouge looks on with a mix of pride and worry. Eggman twirls the wheel and the Pearl plunges towards the maelstrom. Onboard the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction…]

 

Creepy Shanker Guy: Turn the ship away! Steer clear of the maelstrom!

 

[Big the Cat stomps up and shoves the British guy at the wheel out of his way.]

 

Big: Belay that! Engines to maximum impulse! Full on ahead and into the abyss!

 

Creepy Shanker Guy: Are you mad?!

 

Big: Oh-ho-ho! You afraid to get wet?

 

Creepy Shanker Guy: I've already wet myself!

 

[The Person-of-Dutch-Extraction crosses the edge of the maelstrom and begins to pursue the Pearl. The camera cuts back to the Pearl.]

 

Sonic: They're right behind us!

 

Eggman: Hahahaha! I need more speed! Engineering, give me more speed! Men, jiggle those squibs like you've never jiggled a squib before in your lives! Jiggle them like you would jiggle a lover!

 

[And back at the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction…]

 

Big: Prepare the lightning cannon!

 

Kerrigan: We don't have a lightning cannon!

 

Big: Well, shit. Use the bow cannons then!

 

[The triple guns roll out from the front of the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction and begin firing on the Pearl. The camera cuts back to the Pearl, where minor extras are being blown to pieces by the cannons.]

 

Sonic: Eggman, get us out of here! They're going to overtake us!

 

Eggman: No! We shall go further in! Cut across the faster waters!

 

Sonic: What?!

 

Eggman: It's a shortcut! Trust me!

 

[Eggman spins the wheel and the Pearl plunges ever deeper into the maelstrom, hotly pursued by the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction. On the Pearl, the crew begins to arm the cannons.]

 

Rouge: Prepare the cannons for a full broadside!

 

Boris: Batten down the hatches!

 

Arthas: Keep that powder dry!

 

Megabyte: And keep your mothers wet!

 

Cervantes: (with intense disgust) Arr.

 

Megabyte: I'm truly sorry for that last comment!

 

[The scene cuts back to the brig of Person-of-Dutch-Extraction, where Knuckles and his Medium Sized friends are pacing around.]

 

Knuckles: Leverage!

 

Medium Sized Knuckles 1: Huh?

 

Knuckles: I can pop this cell door open with leverage!

 

[Knuckles grabs a random piece of wood, and leverages the door open.]

 

Knuckles: Wish me luck!

 

[Knuckles runs out of the cell and the two Medium Sized Knuckles look wistfully after him.]

 

Medium Sized Knuckles 2: You know, I miss him already.

 

Medium Sized Knuckles 1: He is a sexy beast after all.

 

[Behind them, Particularly Fishy Knuckles suddenly goes into panic mode.]

 

Particularly Fishy Knuckles: Hold everything! I've dropped my brain!

 

[The two Medium Sized Knuckles turn to look at the Particularly Fishy Knuckles, then turn back to the front of the cell.]

 

Medium Sized Knuckles 1: Well, that's just sad…

 

Medium Sized Knuckles 2: Was that supposed to be funny?

 

[Back outside, the Pearl and the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction are now on opposite sides of the maelstrom. Onboard the wind lashed Pearl, things are getting hectic. Boris jumps down below decks.]

 

Boris: Comrades, ready the cannons!

 

[And friggin' finally, the Pearl rolls out its cannons. Cue a dramatic choral chant accompanying the music with the appearance of every cannon from its respective porthole. On the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction similar orders are being passed around, and its cannons roll out as well. The two ships circle each other, cannons at the ready.]

 

Boris: Wait for the order! Don't fire too early, comrades!

 

Arthas: That's not a mistake anyone wants to make!

 

Boris: Make yourself useful for a change, you damn pansy!

 

Eggman: FIRE!

 

Boris: FIRE!

 

[The cannons on the Pearl roar to life. Back on the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction, seconds before the Pearl's shots hit…]

 

Creepy Shanker Guy: Demonstrate the power of this fully armed and operational vessel! FIRE!

 

Big: FIRE!

 

[The camera cuts back and forth between the Pearl and the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction as just about every character who has had more than two lines in this series of movies yells “FIRE!”. Both ships are being torn to shreds by cannon fire. Back on the Pearl, with people literally exploding around him, Eggman seems strangely calm.]

 

Eggman: It be too late to change course now lads! I am deliriously batshit insane! HAHAHA! Further down the rabbit hole we go!

 

[Eggman turns the wheel and the Pearl goes deeper into the maelstrom. Back onboard the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction, Knuckles has wandered into the room where Big's heart is being stored. Wind Waker Link and Ryudo stand guard over the chest and react nervously to Knuckles' appearance.]

 

Ryudo: Stop there or we'll shoot!

 

[A cannon shot rips the entire back half of the room out.]

 

Knuckles: My, but that was punny! No need to worry my good man, I am only here to grab some of my personal stuff.

 

[Knuckles wanders over to a table and starts picking up his sword and that silly little hat of his, which he must have lost again at some prior point in this film.]

 

Knuckles: What I have to wonder, and I mean this as no insult to your work ethic, but why exactly are you still here when you could be elsewhere?

 

Wind Waker Link: Someone has to guard the chest!

 

Knuckles: Whoa, I didn't see you down there small-fry.

 

Wind Waker Link: Oh, ha ha you cockjockey.

 

Ryudo: You know, he does have a point, military discipline has declined precipitously aboard this vessel.

 

Wind Waker Link: And when did you get your major in douchbaggery with a minor in using large words to compensate?

 

Ryudo: Oh ha.

 

Wind Waker Link: I gotta say, it's those damn fish people.

 

Ryudo: Oh, fish people huh? You goddamned racist!

 

Wind Waker Link: Don't throw that in my face! We all know about that calamari joke you love saying when you think none of the fish people are around!

 

[Knuckles having decided that enough is enough walks up between Wind Waker Link and Ryudo, grabs the chest, and then walks out of the room.]

 

Ryudo: At least I don't start walking on the other side of the deck when I see a fish person walking at night!

 

Wind Waker Link: I'm pretty sure the correct term is “Aquatic-Americans”.

 

Ryudo: Aquatic-Americans? That's some damn PC bullshit! These damn scalies are ruining our country!

 

Wind Waker Link: How dare you use the s-word!

 

Ryudo: Well, it's true! Statistically, if we got rid of all fish people crime and piracy would drop by over 75%!

 

Wind Waker Link: They are rather subhuman…

 

Ryudo: Look who's the terrestrialist now!

 

Wind Waker Link: Oh hey…that bastard just stole the chest.

 

Ryudo: Well, fuck.

 

[The scene cuts back to the outside where the Pearl and Person-of-Dutch-Extraction are still locked in combat. And despite the fact the East India Company has about, 500 million fucking ships, they all just sit there, thumbs up their fucking asses, staring at the maybe twenty pirate boats, while the Pearl and the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction twirl around each other likes rubber toys going down the bathtub drain which is apparently the sum total of the mighty Calypso's powers. How fucking anti-climactic can you get? Seriously, this is the climax of a multi-billion dollar film franchise? There were throwaway scenes in “Transformers” that were more exciting than this rubbish. God, I'm just so disappointed I'm not sure if I can continue.]