Pirates Of The Caribbean Fan Fiction / Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ Pirates of the Caribbean: At Wit's End ❯ Dramatic and Overblown Climax, Part Two ( Chapter 20 )

Chapter Twenty: Dramatic and Overblown Climax, Part Two

 

[Alright, I guess we've gotten this far, we might as well finish this fucking disaster. But I'm not going to enjoy it. The two ships continue their dance of death, sinking deeper and deeper into the maelstrom. The camera cuts to the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction.]

 

Creepy Shanker Guy: Prepare to board!

 

[Big looks around, and then covers Creepy Shanker Guy as a cannon shot blows up half the poop deck, and most of the British sailors on it. Big smiles and grabs hold of Creepy Shanker Guy. His tentacles begin to slide up the Guy's face, reminding the Author a great deal of a movie he saw online once. And then Big tentacle-face-rapes Creepy Shanker Guy…to death. As the body falls backwards to the deck, Big removes the key to the chest from Creepy Shanker Guy's neck. The scene cuts to Knuckles creeping out of the back room of the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction and onto the deck. He sees Big, and Big sees him. They walk maybe two more feet and then do a double-take.]

 

Big: Oh-ho-ho! What have we here?

 

[Aquatic-Americans from all over the ship start to close in on Knuckles.]

 

Big: We have an echidna…a poor mammal that never learned how to fly!

 

[Knuckles backs up against the ship's railing, and then smiles.]

 

Knuckles: No. But it is never too late to evolve. Or be intelligently re-designed.

 

[Knuckles jumps onto a cannon, grabs a rope, smashes part of the railing, and the rope snaps free, sending Knuckles flying through air. The fishy pirates look after him with vacant expressions on their faces.]

 

Big: We have really got to stop letting him do that…

 

[Up ahead, Knuckles lands on one of the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction's spars. He gets his balance. And then Big teleports right up there.]

 

Big: Give me the chest!

 

Knuckles: What's the magic word!

 

Big: You little [censored]!

 

[Big draws his sword and charges at Knuckles.]

 

Knuckles: Well that certainly was not the right word.

 

[Knuckles draws his sword and the two begin dueling up there on the top spars of the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction. Elsewhere, cannons are still roaring, pieces of ships are being knocked off, and the boarding parties start swinging across. The decks of both ships soon devolve into all-out insanity. The camera cuts to the deck of the Pearl, where Sonic and Rouge are fighting off waves of fishy pirates and British soldiers.]

 

Sonic: Rouge!

 

Rouge: Yes?

 

Sonic: Will you marry me?

 

Rouge: Now?

 

Sonic: Well, yes now, in case you haven't noticed, things aren't looking too promising.

 

[They take a break from stilted romantic dialogue to stab a few bad guys apiece. Inevitably, they wind up in each other's arms.]

 

Sonic: Rouge, I love you for you, and not just your body. I've made my choice! And what is your choice?

 

[Rouge looks at Sonic for a second.]

 

Rouge: Robotnik!

 

Sonic: Wait…Eggman's your choice? What do you see in the guy?

 

Rouge: Not to marry, you idiot! ROBOTNIK!

 

[The scene cuts to Eggman near the wheel, taking on about half the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction's crew on his own.]

 

Eggman: WHAT?!

 

Rouge: Marry us!

 

Eggman: Now?!

 

Rouge: Yes!

 

Eggman: I'm a little preoccupied at the moment, what with all the decapitating and swordplay.

 

[Sonic and Rouge fight off a few more villains while holding hands.]

 

Sonic: Now, Ivo! NOW!

 

Eggman: Alright, keep your pants on!

 

Sonic: I'm not wearing any!

 

Eggman: Oh.

 

Rouge: Just marry us already!

 

Eggman: Oh, for Christ's sake…

 

[Eggman leaps up onto the railing of the poop deck, knocking several bad guys to their deaths.]

 

Eggman: Dearly beloved, we be gathered here today to witness the union of these two lovable little sea rats!

 

[Eggman stabs a British soldier right through the eye. On the deck, Rouge and Sonic twirl around the base of the main mast.]

 

Sonic: Rouge, do you take me to be your husband?

 

Rouge: I do!

 

Sonic: Seriously? That's sweet! I am so gonna rub that in the faces of everyone who said you were out of my league…

 

[They spin around to another part of the bridge.]

 

Rouge: And do you take me to be your wife, in sickness and health?

 

Sonic: Until you get fat, yes.

 

[More bad guys are dispatched by all. Eggman eviscerates another poor British soldier.]

 

Eggman: In that case, I now pronounce you hedgehog and babe that is totally out of his league!

 

[Sonic pulls Rouge and leans forward to kiss her, when another fishy pirate lunges at them.]

 

Sonic: We're trying to have a moment here, you jackass!

 

[Sonic runs him through with his sword.]

 

Eggman: You may now kiss!

 

[Eggman fights off another fishy pirate.]

 

Eggman: FRIGGIN' KISS ALREADY!

 

[Sonic grabs Rouge and kisses her. Deeply, passionately, romantically. I hear girls get really turned on by this kinda “true love romance” crap. Give it a try someday. It may work for you too. It does help if you look like Orlando Bloom. Though, apparently being a gentleman doesn't help much. Just be a handsome rich asshat. Moving on from that digression, the camera pans around Sonic and Rouge as they go tongue-spelunking. The camera cuts all over the place to show the chaos of battle before settling on Knuckles and Big dueling atop that spar.]

 

Big: It doesn't matter if you have the chest, Knuckles! Without the key, you can do nothing!

 

Knuckles: That's no problem. I already have the key.

 

[Big pauses for a second. One of his tentacles slides out from the rest, carrying the key.]

 

Big: No, you don't.

 

Knuckles: Oh that key. My bad.

 

[Knuckles lunges forward and slices the tentacle off. It and the key fall towards the deck far below. Knuckles then slams the chest into Big's face, disarms Big and goes for the fatal final thrust, which Big intercepts with his lobster claw hand. He squeezes the claw shut and snaps Knuckles' sword in half. Knuckles is shocked. Big advances on him.]

 

Big: Oh-ho-ho! What now, Captain Knuckles the Echidna?

 

[The camera cuts to the Pearl, where Eggman is fighting off hordes of antagonists, while Gordon Freeman tries to keep the ship from crossing the event horizon of the maelstrom. He looks up in panic, and the masts of the Pearl and the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction crash into each other, locking the ships together. Knuckles falls off the spar but is spared a messy death by Big who grabs onto the chest that Knuckles is holding onto. Sonic sees the desperate struggle in the air and runs to find some rope.]

 

Big: Let go you little idiot!

 

Knuckles: Never!

 

[Big yanks the chest up with such force that it sends Knuckles flying through the air and into a fishy pirate swinging around on some rope. Knuckles grabs the pistol from the pirate.]

 

Knuckles: Excuse me good sir, but that is my firearm, savvy?

 

[Knuckles headbutts the pirate who falls screaming to his death far below. Knuckles cocks the pistol and, while swinging through the air, takes the best pistol shot of all time and shoots the chest out of Big's hand. The chest falls down to the deck, stopped only by Kerrigan's head, which explodes like a watermelon. Her body stumbles around the deck for a second, and then drops over the side into the abyss. At this exact moment, Sonic swings onto the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction, grabs the chest, and begins scurrying across the deck. A lot of crazy shit happens, but in summary: Sonic starts fighting his dad {Author's Note: Obviously, a metaphor for the father-son dynamic, and how this relationship has been strained by…the fishy undead?} and drops the chest, Big gets back on the deck and recovers his sword, and Knuckles kicks a few more flying fish pirates to their deaths with nary a Wilhelm Scream to be heard. Just as Big is about to get the chest, Knuckles drops down out of the sky.]

 

Knuckles: Not this time Big!

 

[Knuckles draws his sword…which is still broken from earlier.]

 

Big: You are starting to annoy me, boy!

 

[Big starts chasing Knuckles around the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction. Meanwhile, Ryudo and Wind Waker Link have made it to the deck, and quickly proceed to swing across to the Pearl. And slam into the side of the ship. Rouge grabs the same rope and swings on over to Person-of-Dutch-Extraction {Author's Note: And believe me, writing all this nonsense about who's swinging where is as boring as reading it}. Big, having just slammed Knuckles to the deck, turns to face Rouge.]

 

Big: Do not expect mercy from me just because you have ovaries!

 

Rouge: That's why I brought this!

 

[She pulls a sword out.]

 

Big: Oh-ho-ho! An Artificial Penis Compensator. Well played.

 

[And then Rouge, who has like, five minutes worth of training in sword combat, charges at Big, the guy who is the most feared pirate in the world. Guess how that fight turns out. The camera cuts to the other side of Person-of-Dutch-Extraction, where Sonic disarms 47 and shoves him against a railing. Sonic draws his father's knife.]

 

Sonic: I won't kill you! I made a promise to you!

 

[Sonic slams the knife into the railing next to 47. On the other side of the ship, Big has kicked Rouge's sorry (but still hot) ass. He begins to advance on her, when Sonic runs up from behind and runs his sword through Big. Big looks surprised for a second.]

 

Big: Oh-ho-ho! You missed! Or did you forget that I'm a heartless bastard?

 

[Big grabs the end of the sword sticking out in front of him, and bends it so that Sonic can't pull his sword back out. Sonic tries to anyways, but is sent flying into a railing. Big steps forward and then stops. Sonic and Rouge are looking back and forth at each other with deepest longing.]

 

Big: Love…hah! What a dreadful bond! And one so easily severed!

 

[Big stomps towards Sonic and places his sword against the fallen hedgehog's neck.]

 

Big: Tell me Sonic the Hedgehog, do you fear death? Do you fear the dark abyss? Do you fear…my fishing levels from Sonic Adventure?

 

Knuckles: Do you?!

 

Big: Well, they were pretty bad, and unless you had a dedicated fishing controller they were maddeningly har…wait, why am I answering that question?

 

[Big turns around. Knuckles has the heart of Big the Cat in one hand, and a sword in the other.]

 

Knuckles: Game over, Big.

 

Big: My, aren't you a cruel bastard…

 

Knuckles: Cruelty is relative.

 

Big: I beg to disagree!

 

[Big turns around and slams his sword right into Sonic's heart, twists it around a little, and then shoves it further in to the accompaniment of wet squishy sounds {Author's Note: Bow-chicka-bow-wow}. Everyone is stunned.]

 

Big: OH-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO!

 

[Rouge runs to Sonic while Knuckles just stands there, heart in hand, looking shocked.]

 

Rouge: Sonic! Don't give up on me! Don't you die on me!

 

[The camera cuts to 47.]

 

47: Sonic? That's my son…I won't let you kill my son!

 

[47 runs towards Big and freaking tackles him into a wall. The two start fighting, but Big soon overpowers 47. Big raises his sword to deliver the killing blow.]

 

Big: You mutinous dog! I'll feed you to the fish pirates!

 

[Suddenly, Big stops. He twitches for a second, and then turns behind him. Sonic's hand falls off the sword impaled through Big's heart. Knuckles and Rouge look at the heart, then back to Big, who is turning a really bad shade of green.]

 

Big: (whispers) Ca…lyp…so…

 

[Big stumbles backwards and plummets off the side of the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction, falling down into the heart of the maelstrom. The camera cuts to the Black Pearl.]

 

Eggman: The Flying Person-of-Dutch-Extraction is going down! Blow down that mast or she'll drag us all into the FootLocker!

 

[As Ryudo and Wind Waker Link finally clamber onto the Pearl; Boris, Arthas, Cervantes, and Megabyte load and fire a cannon into the top-most mast of the Black Pearl. The mast snaps, and the Pearl frees itself from the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction.]

 

Eggman: Hold on tight lads, this is gonna be a bit choppy!

 

[Eggman slams the wheel to his right, and the Black Pearl begins to climb up a straight vertical incline of water. Somehow. I guess trying to poke holes in the logic of this movie isn't a very rewarding experience. The camera cuts back to the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction, where Rouge is cradling Sonic's body.]

 

Rouge: No! Sonic! You can't die!

 

[Sonic, being a dick, promptly dies.]

 

Rouge: No! NOOOOOOO!!

 

[The legions of fishy pirates start advancing on Rouge and Knuckles, 47 leading them and holding his knife in a most decidedly non-friendly fashion.]

 

Knuckles: Uh…Rouge, I hate to interrupt your Darth Vader moment, but we really should get moving…

 

Fishy Pirates: Part of the ship…part of the crew…

 

Rouge: I can't leave him! I won't ever leave you Sonic!

 

Fishy Pirates: Part of the ship…part of the crew…

 

Knuckles: Okay, fuck this, we are outta here.

 

[Knuckles grabs the screaming Rouge and runs towards a pile of rope. 47 stops in front of Sonic's body.]

 

47: The Flying Person-of-Dutch-Extraction requires a captain.

 

[A fishy pirate stands behind 47, holding open the chest. 47 leans back and plunges the knife into Sonic's chest. Knuckles, having crafted a friggin' hot air balloon in the five seconds since we last saw him, grabs Rouge and jumps off the ship, floating away to safety as the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction gets pulled down into the bottom of the maelstrom. Rouge starts screaming hysterically as the ship disappears below the seas.]