Pokemon Fan Fiction / Pokemon Fan Fiction / Sailor Moon Fan Fiction / Sonic Series Fan Fiction / Fan Fiction / Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ Universal Deathmatch ❯ Buffy Summers vs. Spider-Man ( Chapter 3 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Universal Deathmatch, Fight #3: Buffy Summers vs. Spider-Man
by Grey Fox
7-02-2002

Disclaimer: I don't own any of this stuff. Otherwise, I'd be rich and....stuff.

Straight from the dregs of pop culture hell, comes the 87th most controversial, 125th most pointless and
426th most violent fic series of all time. Controversy rating is so high simply because Harry Potter
stuff is involved and because the author believes Final Fantasy 8 is better than Final Fantasy 7.

With that happy note, time for the theme song.

In the not too distant future
Sometime next week I think
A fanfic writer called Grey Fox
Was on a writing streak.

"I'll set up whacked-out fights!
The weirdest I can think of!
The audience'll sit and watch them all!
As they laugh their asses off!"

Now keep in mind that only Grey Fox knows
When these fights begin and end.
And he's gonna watch all of 'em
With his deathmatch hosting friends.

Roll Call!

Sailor Mercury! (Shine Aqua Illusion!)
Stone Cold Steve Austin! (Gimme a 'Hell Yeah!')
Deathworks! (MERCURY RULZ!)
and the Harry Potter gang! (When does the hurting stop?)

Now if you're wondering how they're all here
And other science facts.
Just remember it's only a deathmatch fic
So shut the hell up and relax!
And watch Universal Deathmatch, Fight 3!

(BOMMMMMBBBBBBBBBBBBB!)

Back to the pure insanity. Cut straight to the commentator's booth, which had to be rebuilt after the
little accident with Pikachu last time. Here we see Deathworks, with Sailor Mercury to his right,
now back to her normal size ( sorry, GTS fans ) .

Deathworks: Almost time to start the next fight.
Mercury: And still no sign of Grey Fox. Looks like we're definitely the hosts for this match.
Deathworks: I don't get how this fic is still going on without the author out here. Have any ideas
how Ami?
Mercury: None whatsoever.
Deathworks: Really? I thought you'd have come up with something.
Mercury: Fanfiction is an inexact science. The laws of time and physics are so contorted in fics that
one could spend years studying them all and still have no idea how everything functions.
Deathworks: Maybe I should ask Setsuna then, huh?
Mercury: (giggles a little) Well, at least those mushrooms have worn off now.
????? ?????: (yelling from crowd) Hey you two! Cut the chatter and let's get back to the blood and
violence!
Mercury: Eh? (looks toward voice to see Sweet Tooth in his get-up from Twisted Metal 4) Oh, him.
Deathworks: Don't worry Ami, Fox left something behind to help deal with hecklers. (pulls out a
tranq-adapted sniper rifle)
Mercury: O_O;; Umm, no.
Deathworks: Oh all right. (puts it away)
Mercury: Well, it looks like we can get back to the fights now.
Deathworks: What do you mean?
Mercury: Our "guests of honor" are back.

Harry, Ron and Draco are nervously, speedily heading back to their seats, followed closely by a very
pissed-off Hermione who has a face that could scare Voldemort shitless.

Hermione: That was the most humiliating thing that's ever happened to me in my life! None of you boys
had better say ANYTHING ELSE!!!!!!!!
Mercury and DW: ???
Harry: Hey, it's not our fault that the women's room was out of order.
Ron: And it's not our fault there was a crazed fan of yours in the men's room.
Draco: And it's not our fault you were stupid enough to try to use one of the urinals.
Hermione: Well, at least I didn't let myself get beat up by a couple of lesbians.
Draco: (livid with rage) SHUT YOUR MOUTH GRANGER, BEFORE I DO IT FOR YOU!
Hermione: I may just shut yours first!
Draco: Oh, I'd like to see you try!
Ron: (to Harry) Ten galleons says they're gonna start beating each other senseless.
Harry: (to Ron) You're on.
Hermione: Careful what you wish for. (slugs Draco in the face)
Draco: Ahh! OK, that's it! (tackles Hermione sending them both to the ground as they start kicking
and punching each other)
Ron: Pay up.
Harry: Shoot. (forks over ten galleons)
Deathworks: (to Mercury) And I thought she was a lot like you.
Mercury: Even us level-headed studious types have a boiling point.
Hermione: (still struggling and fighting with Draco) Alright, this is where I shut your *BLEEEP* face
for...huh?
Draco: What the *BLEEP* was that...again?! What is this *BLEEP*?!!
Mercury: Oh, that. We went and installed a censor machine.
Ron: Why'd you do that?
Deathworks: Well, for one thing we got a lot of complaints from parents about all the swearing that went
on last chapter.
Draco: Oh please. Are you saying you kowtowed to the whims of a bunch of whiny parents that complain
about every thing they disagree the least bit with?
Mercury: No. We invited you four here didn't we?
Hermione: Good point. So then why'd you install that thing?
Mercury: Because the swearing was getting a little out of hand, and last chapter was just plain
disturbing. If I hadn't known any better, I would have thought that was a V-chip empowered Eric Cartman
in a Pikachu costume out there.
Harry: Ugh. Bad mental image.
Deathworks: Besides, with the censors on, you can pretty much cuss all you want.
Ron: Really? OK! Hey Draco, you're a *BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP* eating *BLEEEEEP* and your mother
is *BLEEEEEEEEEP*!!!
Draco: Oh *BLEEEEEEEEEP* you you *BLEEP*ing *BLEEEEEEEEEP* and *BLEEEEEEEEEEEEP*!!!
Hermione: STOP THIS *BLEEP*! SHUT THE *BLEEP* UP BOTH OF YOU!
Harry: Oh, this is *BLEEP*ing great.......
Mercury: Maybe that wasn't such a good idea....
Deathworks: Just get back in your seats guys, the show's gonna continue soon.

The four Hogwarts students retake their seats, but soon after they do, Draco notices the seat to his left,
which had previously been unoccupied, is now filled. He turns to see the Nemesis from Biohazard 3.

Draco: Huh? Who are you?
Nemesis: STARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRS.............
Draco: Um, I beg your pardon?
Nemesis: STAARRRRRRRSSSS..........
Draco: Uhhhh, I don't think I follow.
Nemesis: STTAARRRSS.......
Draco: (getting disturbed) Any of you want to switch seats?
Harry, Ron and Hermione: (take one look at the Nemesis and vehemently shake their heads)
Draco: *BLEEP*........
Nemesis: STARRRS......
Draco: -_-
Mercury: Time to get started. (adjusts headset setting to broadcast to audience)
Deathworks: (does likewise) OK everyone, time for our third deathmatch for this show. Me and the lovely
Sailor Mercury will be hosting this one.
Mercury: (blushes slightly) And don't worry about Ridley. He won't be bothering us again anytime
soon.
Deathworks: How can you be so sure?
Mercury: Well, let's just say I found someone to take him off our hands......

Cut to view from inside some secret lab:

Washu: OK, my new test subject, we're gonna have all sorts of fun aren't we?
Ridley: (strapped down with metal shackles on an examination table) DAMN YOU MERCURY! WHEN I GET OUTTA
HERE I'M GONNA.........

Cut back to inside arena:

Deathworks: *shudder* That was a little cold, don't you think?
Mercury: It was either turn him over to Washu or Nathaniel Essex. See the logic in my choice now?
Deathworks: O_o;; OK, I get the point.
Sweet Tooth: *BLEEEEEEEEEEEEP*!!!!!! GET ON WITH THE *BLEEEEEP*ing tournament already!
Deathworks: (whispering to Mercury) Can I shoot him now...........?
Mercury: (sternly, to DW) No. (to crowd) OK, time to introduce our contestants for this match! First,
we have Buffy Summers from her self-titled series, pop culture icon to millions of teens (not me of course),
staunch enemy of any and all evil, and general all-around tough girl with her superhuman fighting skill
and strength. Here she comes now.

Crowd cheers as Buffy Summers silently makes her way into the arena.

Draco: Phht. She doesn't look too dangerous.
Mercury: Draco, let me put it this way: if Buffy was the one who hit you in the face instead of
Hermione, you would no longer have said face.
Nemesis: STARSSSSS.........
Draco: -_-;; Ugh.....
Deathworks: Moving right along, for Buffy's opponent tonight, we have someone who could easily give her
a run for her money. Ladies and gentleman, we present to you none other than Spider-Man, the beloved,
legendary comic book superhero, who has his fortieth anniversary this year, and his movie has recently come
out.
Mercury: Well, I haven't seen it yet, but it's probably horrendous.
Deathworks: Huh? Why do you say that?
Mercury: Come on now. Most movies based on something from another medium are generally of poor
quality with substandard effort put into them.
Deathworks: Well, true. The Final Fantasy movie sure did suck ass.
Mercury: Ack, don't remind me. Anyway, I have a bad feeling about this one.
Deathworks: Why's that?
Mercury: Two words: organic webshooters.
Deathworks: -_-;; Oh no, that issue has been argued to death by fans everywhere, please don't bring it up
again. The movie has organics, just deal with it.
Mercury: I don't care, it was still a bad idea. And if Sam Raimi was dumb enough to keep them a part of
the film even after all the hate mail, death threats and fake anthrax letters, who knows what else he
could have messed up?!
Deathworks: Um, let's just change the subject now. (to crowd) Enough dillydallying, let's hear it for
Spider-Man!!!

Spider-Man jumps down from the top rafters and web-swings down onto the floor of the arena. The
audience wildly cheers him on.

Mercury: Good to see he's in his original costume instead of that one from the movie.
Deathworks: What's wrong with his costume from the movie?
Mercury: It looks nothing like the way it was supposed to. In the comics he purposefully made it out
of thin cloth so he could easily hide it under his clothes. I don't see him doing that with that one
from the movie.
Deathworks: I had no idea you were such a Spider-Man fan.
Mercury: Shouldn't be too surprising. When you think about it, we both have a lot in common.
Deathworks: Um, OK.
J. Jonah Jameson: (yelling from crowd) Boooooo!!!!! I hope you lose miserably you masked menace!
Deathworks: OK, there's no way I'm letting HIM mouth off. (pulls out rifle and shoots JJJ)
JJJ: Ow. (passes out instantly)
Mercury: Shabon Spray Freezing! (directs spell at rifle causing it to shatter to pieces) I told you no
shooting anyone with that!
Deathworks: (really cold) O....O..OK....geez..........

Meanwhile, down in the arena, Buffy and Spidey are circling each other and measuring each other up.

Buffy: So you're the legendary Spider-Man, eh? You looked a little taller in the comics, you know that.
Spider-Man: Ooooh, what ladylike charm. I'm gonna really hate having to give a beatdown to a lady.
Buffy: Heh, don't worry, I'll make sure you're not conscious long enough to do so.
Sweet Tooth: SHUT THE *BLEEEP* UP AND START FIGHTING!
Buffy and Spider-Man: *flip Sweet Tooth off*
Sweet Tooth: Oh *BLEEEP* you!
Deathworks: -_-;; I'm really losing my patience with that guy. (pulls out a second tranq-adapted
sniper rifle)
Mercury: O_o;; Put it away.....
Deathworks: Grrrrr...... (puts it away)
Mercury: Alright, time to start. (turns to her right and points) HIT IT!

Somewhere else in the stadium Darkwing Duck rings a big-ass gong, signaling the start of the match.

Sweet Tooth: Disney characters? What the hell!?
Deathworks: (begging) Pleeeeease let me shoot him.....
Mercury: (even more sternly) No.

Buffy immediately comes after Spider-Man with a fist cocked back ready to pound his face in. But though
fast, it's not fast enough for Spider-Man's super speed, and he backflips out of harm's way. Buffy quickly
turns around and leaps high into the air at him meaning to drop kick him, but Spider-Man counters by firing
webbing at her while she's still in the air -- or at least he tries to. Buffy sees the web coming and dives
out of the way. The webbing misses her and instead hits.....

Harry: Gyaaah!
Ron: Aw *BLEEEP*!!!
Spider-Man: Uhhh, sorry guys. No hard feelings, eh?

Yup, the webbing covered the four young sorcerors, and Nemesis as well.

Draco: Can't it wait until the END of the chapter when something happens to us?
Mercury: Don't ask me, I'm not the author.
Nemesis: STTAAARRSS........
Draco: (to Nemesis) You could help us get out of this stuff, you know...
Nemesis: STTTAAARRSS......
Draco: -_-;; Why me?
Harry: Probably because you suck.
Deathworks: Don't bother, just relax. That stuff'll fade after about an hour.

Buffy lands and turns around to face Spider-Man, only to see him coming at her with a flying kick, which
connected with her face about a second later.

Deathworks: Now that HAD to hurt.
Buffy: *BLEEEP*!!!
Mercury: Is it me, or has everyone started to swear more after we put in the censor?
Deathworks: Doesn't really surprise me. Most people find copious amounts of bleep-outs insanely funny.
Mercury: Something tells me the author is one of those people.

Buffy goes flying and lands on the ground a few feet away. Spider-Man moves in for another attack, but as
he closes in, Buffy kicks him in the face while still on the ground, and then gets up and delivers a flurry
of punches while Spider-Man is still stunned.

Deathworks: Ooo, Buffy's able to pull a fast one on Spidey and now has the upper hand.
Mercury: Yeah, but how long can she keep it?

Not very long. As Buffy tries to give Spider-Man yet another knuckle sandwich, he blocks the blow. And in
the split-secomd Buffy loses her concentration from Spidey's sudden defensive action, he grabs her head in
a wrestling hold and tosses her over his head and behind him. Quite a long distance, might I add.

Spider-Man: Are we having fun yet?
Buffy: Oh, go to hell.
Mercury: See? Buffy's a good fighter, sure, but Spider-Man is just way way better.
Deathworks: I know you liked his comics and all, but we're supposed to be unbiased here.
Mercury: (wry smile) Like you were during my fight with Ridley?
Deathworks: (nervously) Well, err, umm.....
Draco: You're pathetic man, you know that?
Deathworks: Hermy, can you still reach that mallet?
Nemesis: STTAARRRSSSS...

By now, Buffy has already gotten up, but Spider-Man is ready, and once she turns around to face him, he
readies his web-shooter and fires a web line at her. But Buffy is quick enough to react just in time, and
as the web is about to hit her, she reaches out with her hand, and the web spreads all over it. Then she
swiftly yanks the web line, which Spider-Man happens to be still holding onto, hard. This sends him flying
over BUFFY'S head. Quite a long distance, might I add.

Spider-Man: Hey, careful with the webbing! The chemicals for this stuff are expensive!
Buffy: Oh really? I thought this gunk was organic.
Spider-Man: (pissed) Oh, you are so asking for it now!
Mercury: Uh-oh, Buffy just struck a nerve, by mentioning the one big discrepancy in the Spider-Man movie.
Deathworks: Which SOME people still just can't let go of.....
Mercury: (smirking) You think you're going to get far with me by making wisecracks like that?
Deathworks: O_o;; Ummm, sorry?
Draco: -_-;; You make me sick DW.
Hermione: Almost got it.....
Draco: Eep.
Nemesis: SSTTTAAAARRRRRSSSSSS.......
Draco: (to Nemesis) Will you kindly muzzle it?

Since Spider-Man is quite a distance away from Buffy, he's able to pull off one of his web-swing double-leg
kicks, sending Buffy flying even further than last time.

Spider-Man: There's your special delivery! Now we need your signature, saying you give up!
Buffy: Not by a longshot webhead!
Nemesis: SSTTTAARRRRSSSSS........
Mercury: Do all these deathmatches have to degenerate into everyone going flying everywhere?
Deathworks: You tell me. You were in one of them.
Mercury: True. Oh yes, I was blasting Ridley all over the arena, similar to how Spider-Man is tossing
Buffy around like a rag doll here right now.
Deathworks: Oh I wouldn't say that. Buffy and Spidey seem to have been doing equally well in their
performance here tonight. And this fight appears to be far from over.
Mercury: You are right on all counts there.

Meanwhile, back in the center of the arena, Buffy is struggling to get up, while Spider-Man is, well,
spinning something with his web, so to speak. By the time Buffy has recovered and is on her feet,
Spider-Man has constructed a webbing-mace.

Deathworks: Ouch. Isn't that a little harsh for Spidey?
Mercury: Like you said, some people just can't let go of the organics thing.
Spider-Man: OK, I'll slap you around with this a few times, and then you tell me if it felt like it
was organic or artificially created with chemicals. That cool with you?
Buffy: (motions for Spidey to approach her) Bring it on!
Nemesis: STTTAAARRRSSS.....

Spider-Man charges at Buffy, ready to clobber her with the now-fully-solidified webbing mace. But as he
closes in on her, Buffy reaches out and grabs the mace. For a few seconds there is a bit of tug-of-war
between Buffy and Spidey over the webbing mace, and then Buffy kicks him in the nether region.

Buffy: (sardonically) Oh, I'm sorry. Did I hurt the itty-bitty-spider?
Spider-Man: *BLEEEEEEEEEEEP*!!!!!
Harry, Ron, Draco and Deathworks: (wincing) Oooooooooo!!!!!
Mercury: Does it really hurt THAT much when a male gets kicked there?
Hermione: I'd say it does. I've done it to Draco enough, and he crumbles every time.
Draco: Yes, she has. She's an evil evil woman.
Hermione: I'm about able to reach the mallet....
Deathworks: Better watch yourself Draco.
Draco: Yipe.
Nemesis: STARRSS....
Draco: -_-;; Don't you ever say anything else?!!
Nemesis: Only when I feel like it.
Draco: What?
Nemesis: SSTTTAARRRSS...
Draco: \_/;; Why me?
Harry: Like I said, because you suck.
Draco: Grrr, once I get this webbing off.....

While Spider-Man is in a world of hurt, Buffy takes full advantage of his momentarily defenselessness.
She unloads another full serving of extra-painful knuckle sandwiches on his helpless self, and then added
more injury to injury with a roundhouse kick to the face. And while his ass is knocked down, she adds
insult to injury by taking the webbing mace and beating him with it Grand Theft Auto-style.

Deathworks: Ouch. What a witch.
Hermione: Watch the word choice, buddy.
Draco: Does pissing off women come to you naturally, or do you have to work at it?
Deathworks: (pulls out rifle)
Mercury: DW, do I really have do say anyything?
Draco: Definitely comes naturally.
Hermione: Hey Draco.
Draco: (turns to Hermione) What is it?
*WHAM!*
Hermione: I finally got my mallet out, that's what.
Draco: (seeing stars) That's.... nice....
Deathworks: Thank you.
Hermione: My pleasure.

Buffy is continuing to beat Spider-Man senseless with his own webbing mace. But it appears that he was
using that time to regain his bearings and make a comeback, for as Buffy was bringing down the mace to
clobber him yet again, Spider-Man shot a splotch of webbing in her face, blinding her and leaving her
totally open. Spiden-Man then picked up his webbing mace and smacked Buffy upside the head with it.
Blood can now be seen pouring effusively from Buffy's mouth.

Draco: Oh please, that webbing glop can't be THAT strong.
Mercury: If that's the case, then why don't you try breaking free?

Draco begins pulling the webbing hoping to get it off of him, and then busts out a whole bunch of
spells trying to destroy the web. All attempts fail miserably.

Deathworks: Ummm, you were saying?
Draco: *BLEEEEEEEEEEP*!!!!!!!!!
Nemesis: SSTTAAARRRSSS.......
Draco: (to Nemesis) I suppose you find this very funny, don't you?
Nemesis: SSSTTAAARRSSSS.....
Draco: -_-;; Why do I bother?

Buffy is able to rip off the webbing covering her eyes, but once she is finally able to see again and
sees where Spider-Man is, he's already on top of her. Get your head out of the gutter, you sicko -- I
meant as in that he's busting open a can of whoop-ass: landing punch after punch and kick after kick
on the poor slayer, doing it in style like only your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man can.

Deathworks: That was some sappy narrating there.
Mercury: DW! No fourth wall breaches!
Deathworks: Like there haven't been numerous ones already.
Mercury: Oh. Good point.

Suddenly, whilst Spider-Man is laying the smack down on Buffy, an explosion rocks the stadium and part
of the stadium wall surrounding the fighting arena gives way.

Buffy, Spidey, commentators and Hogwarts clique: o_O
Mercury: Ummm, what happened?
Ron: Uhh, my bad. Damn, I knew I must've lost that explosive potion when I went to get a drink.
Hermione: Idiot! (readies mallet and...)
*WHAMMO!*
Ron: *_*;; Ugh......
Draco: Heh heh heh.......
*SMASH!*
Draco: @_@;; Ouchies......
Nemesis: SSTTTAARRRSSSSSS........
Harry: Yes, I bet both are seeing quite a few of those.

Buffy nails a startled Spidey in the gut and shoves him back quite a distance. Then, heh, get this,
she picks up a Pepsi vending machine that got blown out out the stadium hallway and out into the arena,
twirls around while still holding onto it, in order to build up enough speed and force so that when she
throws it at Spidey, the sucker will hurt like holy hell. But his trusty spider-sense would see that
things would turn out differently, and leapt at Buffy. She then threw the vending machine at him while
he was still in the air, but she was too slow and it misses, sailing past Spidey and into the crowd,
landing on......

*SPLAT!*
Mercury: Ummmm, who'd Buffy just accidently crush?
Deathworks: Uhhhh, I think it was Britney Spears.
Mercury: Oh.
Deathworks: I guess this is where we make some clever joke about those Pepsi commercials or some "Oops"
joke, isn't it?
Mercury: Yeah I think so. You got any?
Deathworks: Nope.
Mercury: Yeah me neither.
Buffy: Oops.
Spider-Man: (to Buffy) Hopefully you don't have to add "I did it again".
Deathworks: I guess that'll do just fine.

Well, after that great service to humanity, Buffy lunges at Spidey again, who, again with his spider-sense
and speed, deftly blocks her attack and delivers a roundhouse kick to her face to reward her for her
pitiful efforts. The ensuing few minutes are basically filled with standard comic-book-esque chop-suey
martial arts stuff that's kinda hard to really go into detail about, so I'll just move on to what the
commentators said during those few minutes.

Mercury: (winces) Oooh, that'll leave a mark.
Deathworks: I had no idea the human body could take punishment like that.
Mercury: They're superhuman DW.
Deathworks: But still.... ouch.... that did not look like it felt good.
Mercury: (turns head away) Ow, neither did that one.
Deathworks: (shudder) Is that even able to bend like that?
Mercury: (shakes head) I don't believe so....
Deathworks: Yikes. Those two are not going to be feeling peachy in the morning.

Get the idea? So, after a few minutes of no-holds-barred brawling, Spidey is finally able to knock
Buffy on her cute little ass again with a nasty double uppercut that sent her flying a few feet
away.

Spider-Man: Just throw in the towel, then we can all go home and get a gooood night's rest.
Buffy: Oh, you are SO asking for it.....

Brave words indeed, but Buffy's looking dazed and as if she would keel over from severe pain overload.
But then, a large crate drops down from the stadium roof, the wood shattering and breaking away
once it impacts with the floor of the arena. Revealed is one bad-ass looking missile launcher.

Spike: (from rafters on the roof) Buffy! Use it! Nail that bloody *BLEEEEP*!!!
Mercury: Oh, that SO screams Resident Evil.......
Deathworks: You're from Japan, shouldn't you be calling it Biohazard?
Mercury: .....Be quiet you.
Nemesis: SSSSTTTTAAARRRSSS!!!!!!
Draco: Uh-oh, my new buddy appears to be getting restless over here. Help.

Buffy readies the missile launcher and fires it at the webheaded wonder, but Spidey, being the
slick superhero that he is, pulls off a countermove as only he can. He shoouts a webline at the
incoming missile, twirls around, and redirects it back at Buffy.

Mercury: Oh God.....
Deathworks: This could be it.....

Kaboom. The missile impacts near Buffy, not hitting her directly. But the resultant explosion is
enough to knock her out. Permanently.

Buffy: ..........
Spider-Man: Is it all over? Awwwwww, too bad.
Mercury: Well, there you have it. Buffy threw just about everything she could at him, and Spider-Man
countered every single one and came back to beat her. This deathmatch is over.
Sweet Tooth: You call this a deathmatch?! This sucks!! All of you suck!!
Deathworks: OK, that's it. (pulls out rifle)
Mercury: Stop it with the rifle already!
Sweet Tooth: And you two commentators really suck!
Deathworks: He is so pushing it......
Mercury: Let it go DW, let it go.......
Sweet Tooth: Especially that blue-haired sailor twit!!
Deathworks: Alright, he has SO crossed the line now!
Mercury: Just let it go, please!
Sweet Tooth: And thank God her klutzy, crybaby friend Sailor Moon ain't here; she'd REALLY suck up the
place!!
Mercury: (coolly, turns to speak to Sweet Tooth) What did you say?
Sweet Tooth: You heard me, you blue-haired little runt!
Deathworks: (looks at Mercury and blood turns cold) Uh-oh.....
Mercury: OK, now my patience with you has RUN OUT!! You think these deathmatches suck?! Fine, you'll
get the chance to change that.
Sweet Tooth: Huh?!
Mercury: Here's the deal: You, me, right outside the stadium, next chapter. I hope you brought your
little ice cream truck, because after that crack about Usagi, I'm going to beat you worse
than in any of your games!!
Sweet Tooth: You got it bitch!!
Deathworks: Uhhh, Ami, you don't have a Twisted Metal-type vehicle to use for a fight like that, right?
Mercury: (smiles) How do you know?
Draco: You think you know someone, huh DW?
Deathworks: Hermione?
Hermione: I hear you. (readies mallet and.....)
*WHACK!*
Draco: *_*;; Uhhhh......
Mercury: Now, I have to go make preparations, and so do you. You'll need to get camera crews set up
outside and have the fight broadcasted on the big screen set up in here. (leaves)
Deathworks: A Twisted Metal-style deathmatch. This could be intteresting...
Harry: Well, at least with the fight being out there, we won't have anything happening to us in here.
Deathworks: Sorry, but no. You're coming out to watch the fight with us.
Hermione: Bloody hell?! Why?!!
Deathworks: Part of the reason you got here was to get people to read this fic since Harry Potter is all
the rage, remember? So you have to be outside for the next chapter.
Draco: No we don't!
Deathworks: Yes you do. You have to be wherever the fight is so you'll be seen in each
chapter. Says so right on your tickets.
all four Hogwarts students: (fish out tickets and read the fine print) Aww shoot.
Draco: Well, at least I won't have to sit by this freak next chapter. (turns to his left to see
Nemesis has freed himself of the webbing and is gone) Huh? Where'd he go?

Cut to view right outside stadium, where we see Spike getting thrown against a wall. Hard.

Nemesis: SSSTTTTTAAAAARRRRRSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Spike! *BLEEEEEP*!!!! What the *BLEEEEP* is the bloody big idea!!! I'm no *BLEEEEP*ing
STARS-whatever!!
Nemesis: SSSTTTTTAAAAAARRRRRRSSSSSS!!!!!!!!! (rushes at Spike)
Spike: Oh *BLEEEEEEP*!!!!!!!!

TV fuzz

Well, that's that. I simply cannot BELIEVE that I let this fic stagnate for almost five *BLEEEP*ing months!
I was busy with work at college, and then, when college was over, I was busy playing the games I wasn't able
to play at college ( first time ever playing Super Mario 64 and Zelda V: Ocarina of Time for starters ) ,
and all that led to not getting back to the deathmatch fic until now. Hopefully I'll be more timely with
Fight #4, so stick around. Now excuse me, but I have to check the theatre times for the Spider-Man movie.

So long,
Grey Fox