Pokemon Fan Fiction / Pokemon Fan Fiction / Sailor Moon Fan Fiction / Sonic Series Fan Fiction / Fan Fiction / Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ Universal Deathmatch ❯ Sweet Tooth vs. Sailor Mercury ( Chapter 4 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Universal Deathmatch, Fight #4: Sweet Tooth vs. Sailor Mercury, Twisted Metal-style
8-02-02
by Grey Fox

Disclaimer: Honestly, do I still need to keep writing these damn things? If I owned all this
stuff, I'd be filthy stinkin' rich, and probably would use all that money to buy a shitload
of games and systems and play those so much that I wouldn't bother writing crap like this, so
obviously I don't own any of the stuff you see in here.

Well, once again we gonna have a jolly good time watching people try to beat the crap out of
another, so let's get on with the show! And as always, here's our little theme song:


In the not too distant future
Sometime next week I think
A fanfic writer called Grey Fox
Was on a writing streak.

"I'll set up whacked-out fights
The weirdest I can think of!
The audience'll sit and watch them all!
As they laugh their asses off!"

Now keep in mind only Grey Fox knows
When these fights begin and end.
And he's gonna watch all of 'em
With his deathmatch hosting friends.

Roll Call!

Sailor Mercury! (Mercury Aqua Rhapsody!)
Stone Cold Steve Austin! (That's the bottom line!)
Deathworks! (MERCURY RULZ!)
and Harry Potter and friends! (We're the ones that you wanted!)

Now if you're wondering how they're all here
And other science facts.
Just remember it's only a deathmatch fic
So shut the hell up and relax!
And watch Universal Deathmatch, Fight #4!

(fart)

Outside the stadium, we see the four kids from Hogwarts seated, and close to them, another
commentator's booth, with Deathworks seated there, and a recovered Stone Cold Steve Austin at
his left.

Hermione: (distraught look on her face) I am not looking forward to this one at all.
Harry: Don't be pessimistic.
Ron: Yeah. Maybe ol' Fox'll finally stop with this 'hurt the HP gang every chapter' thing.
Hermione: Do you have any idea what a Twisted Metal-style fight is like?! Machine gun fire and
missiles flying everywhere!! And with all this wide open space, it'll take divine intervention
to make sure we don't get blown away!! And considering how our books always get such a hard time
from religious people, I doubt that'll happen!!
Draco: Oh shut up. After all I've been through the last three chapters, I feel like I'm prepared
for anything! Yep, I'm ready for anything that's going to be thrown at me!
Hermione: Not exactly.
Draco: Oh, what do you mean?
Hermione: You forgot your hard hat.
Draco: I don't need it. You forgot your mallet.
Hermione: Yeah, well.... (realization hits her) D'oh!!!!!!
Draco: Heh heh heh, finally I get a lucky break.
Hermione: Grrrrr........

On that happy note, let's switch our attention to Austin and DW.

Deathworks: Well, here I am outside the deathmatch stadium with Steve Austin, waiting for our
fourth deathmatch to start: a Twisted Metal-style vehicular combat match between Ami and that
loudmouthed bastard Sweet Tooth. So Austin, what are you thoughts?
Steve Austin: (doesn't say anything)
Deathworks: Umm, Austin, I'm talkin' to you.
Steve Austin: (still silent)
Deathworks: (turns to see Austin with his GBA playing Sonic Advance) Austin!! Damnit, Grey Fox
told you already not to play that during matches.
Steve Austin: Yeah well, the match hasn't started yet. Hell, we're still waitin' for your
crush to show up.
Deathworks: Heh. Speaking of that, I don't even know what KIND of car she's planning to use.
Steve Austin: Probably some cute little girlie car or somethin'.
Deathworks: Somehow I doubt that......

All of a sudden, Sweet Tooth speeds on in to the area outside the stadium where the fight will
take place.

Sweet Tooth: Hey you! Where's that blue-haired bitch?!
Deathworks: (vein can be seen bulging on his forehead anime-style) I shoulda shot him so full of
tranqs last chapter that he'd never wake up........
Steve Austin: Well, why the *BLEEEP* didn't you.....huh? What the *BLEEEP* is this?!
Deathworks: Oh yeah, last chapter we installed a censor machine.
Steve Austin: *BLEEEP*!! What the *BLEEEP* for?!
Hermione: All the uptight parents out there that don't take the time to see what their kids are
doing online were whining and complaining about the language.
Draco: Besides, don't you complain -- you're partly responsible. It was you who gave those two
foulmouthed Pokemon translating devices two chapters ago, remember?
Steve Austin: Well, let it not be said that Stone Cold Steve Austin doesn't fix his mistakes.
(gets up and runs off somewhere)
Harry: Where's he running off to?
Ron: Do we really care?
Harry: Well no.
Deathworks: Erm, well, since it looks like it'll be awhile before Ami shows up, better go to
intermission.

***BEGIN INTERMISSION***

Eric Cartman in his police officer attire and Aska from Magic Knight Rayearth 2 in her throne
room on her ship.

Cartman: Step down from the throne please.
Aska: Wait a minute, don't I know you from somewhere?
Cartman: Ma'am, step down from the throne please.
Aska: Yeah, you're the one who plugged up the ladies' room toilets and caused it to be out of
order!
Cartman: Ay!! I am a cop, and you will respect my authori-tah!!
Aska: Phhht. Get out of here.
*THWACK!*
Cartman: Get your ass together!!
Aska: OWW! What the hell?!!
*THWACK!* *THWACK!* *THWACK!*
Aska: OWW! OWW! You can't do that!!
*THWACK!* *THWACK!* *THWACK!*
Aska: OWW! Damnit, stop that!! OWW!! OWW!!
Cartman: Sweeet!!

***END INTERMISSION***

DW and the HP gang: o_O
Ron: Uhhhh..........
Draco: Looks like I'm not the only one getting beaten like a dog all the time.
Hermione: Just what was the point of that, besides letting me know who to brutalize for making
me have to use the men's room last chapter?
Deathworks: I dunno. It was just some gag Fox wanted to stick in here I guess.
Harry: Dangit, when's Sailor Mercury going to arrive?

All of a sudden, a big-ass metallic-blue colored monster truck, loaded to bear with machine guns
and nitro boosters, speeds into view and skids to a halt in front of the commentator's booth.

Harry: Guess that answers my question.
Mercury: (steps out of her truck) Sorry, had to change the spark plugs real quick before getting
here. (to DW) Well, what do you think?
Deathworks: Ummm, really nice work. But when did you ever find the need to build something like
this?
Mercury: It was something I slapped together if things in the Fight!! forum on MediaMiner.org
ever got out of hand.
Deathworks: Oh yeah, those guys.......

(Razorknight, if you're reading this, feel free to laugh your ass off at this gag)

Mercury: Anyway, hop in.
Deathworks: Ummmm, why?
Mercury: With all the deadly weaponry that'll be flying around soon, I don't want you out in the
open.
Deathworks: Someone needs to do commentary though.
Mercury: I don't care.
Deathworks: But....
Mercury: (stone-faced glare) Get. In.
Deathworks: Yes ma'am (promptly gets in passenger side)
Mercury: (gets in driver side, and truck speeds off to fighting area)
Draco: Bloody hell! What about us?!
Hermione: Looks like we're stuck out here.
Ron: Does no one care about us?!
Harry: Probably not.

Suddenly........

*THWOK!* *BAMMO!* *SKRUNCH!* *ZONK!* *BANG!* *BELCH!* *MOO!* *EXPLODE!*
HP gang: o_O;; ?????
Draco: What was that?!

Steve Austin comes running back out, wielding Hermione's mallet.

Steve Austin: So much for the censor machine.
Harry, Ron and Draco: -_-
Hermione: Hey, my mallet! Steve, can I have it back?
Draco: (O)_(O);; OH NO!!!!!! Man, if you have a shred of humanity left in you, you WILL NOT give
her back that mallet!!!!!!
Steve Austin: (tosses Hermione her mallet)
Hermione: DEATH RAINS FROM THE HEAVENS!!!!!
Draco: (whimpering) God please no......
*WHAMMO!* *SMASH!* KA-POW!*
Draco: (*)_(*)
Harry: You really are the biggest SOB in the business, aren't you?
Steve Austin: Hell yeah! You got a problem with that?
Harry: If it means Malfoy getting a beating like that, hell no!
Draco: (dazed) Have I told you lately how much I hate you?
Steve Austin: (notices that DW isn't here) Where the hell's that other guy?
Harry: Mercury made him get in the truck with her.
Steve Austin: Shit! I can't do this job alone. (turns and looks at the HP gang)
Hermione: What?
Steve Austin: (to Hermione) What?
Draco: (to Austin) What?
Ron: (to Draco) What?
Harry: (to Ron) What?
Hermione: (to Harry) What?
Ron: (to Hermione) What?
Draco: (to Ron) What?
Steve Austin: (muttering) Now I see how annoying that can get. (out loud) Damnit enough! Just
two of you get your asses over to this here booth and park said asses in the seats behind it!
Hermione: Ummmm, why?
Steve Austin: 'Cause Stone Cold Steve Austin says so, that's why!
Draco: Phht, make us.
Steve Austin: OK. (grabs Hermione and Draco by the hair and drags them over to the booth and
shoves them in the seats behind it)
Draco: Oww.
Hermione: Nice move Malfoy.
Draco: Shaddap.

Seating arrangement is Austin in the middle, with Hermione at his right and Draco at his left)

Steve Austin: (hands Hermione and Draco headsets) Put 'em on. Time to start. (sees Mercury's
truck) Ooo, nice wheels. Kinda reminds me of my truck. Anyway, if all of you out there are
ready to see some kick-ass vehicular combat, gimme a 'Hell Yeah!'
*cricket sounds can be heard*
Draco: Ummm, the entire audience is back in the stadium, remember?
Steve Austin: Oh forget it then. (turns to his right and points) Hit it!

Somewhere else outside the stadium Rob Zombie rings a big-ass gong, signalling the start of the
match.

Hermione: Umm, that's gonna remind some edgy Twisted Metal fans of the 989 Studios-developed
games.
Steve Austin: Like I give a shit.

Mercury immediately peels out and barrels towards Sweet Tooth's ice cream truck at breakneck
speed. As she closes in on him, she fires off a volley of standard missiles and then veers off
to the right.

Hermione: Ooo, a good ol' jousting move, a tried-and-true method of attack in Twisted Metal
games.
Draco: How the hell do you know so much about video games anyway? I thought you studied all the
time.
Hermione: You're lucky I'm not sitting next to you otherwise I'd beat your skull in again.
Steve Austin: Save your energy kiddo. Allow me. (backhands Draco so hard he gets knocked out of
his chair)
Draco: *_*;; Goddamnit, does EVERYONE have to knock me around all the time?!!
Hermione: Yes.
Draco: -_-

Since Sweet Tooth's ice cream truck has a lot of armor plating, it was able to take the hits
without being knocked too far off. He immediately sets off after Mercury's truck, firing off
his special plasma ball attack (think Twisted Metal 2) .

Hermione: Oh boy, I forgot how much punishment that ice cream truck can take.
Steve Austin: Big fucking deal. We're talking about a girl that laid the smack down on that
Ridley guy. Somethin' tells me she'll bust his ass as well.
Hermione: Oh yeah...

Mercury pulls off the shield maneuver and deflects every single bouncing plasma ball Sweet Tooth
fired at her, then pulled off the same jousting move as last time -- with the same end results:
Sweet Tooth on the receiving end of a few juicy missiles.

Steve Austin: I hope that damn clown has insurance on that thing.
Draco: Isn't this Mercury supposed to be a super-genius or something? Why's she pulling off
the same move over and over again?
Hermione: My guess is she biding her time and waiting for the perfect opportunity to pull off an
unexpected move.

Mercury hauls butt away from Sweet Tooth again, and it's apparent that Mercury built her truck
with speed in mind, since it's rocketing away from Sweet Tooth's lumbering, prodding ice cream
truck at breakneck velocity. But Sweet Tooth evidently planned for this, because Mercury's
truck seems to have hit a concealed mine as she was driving away, causing the truck to flip over.

Hermione: Flashbacks to the 989 TM games right there.
Steve Austin: Oh, shut up about that.

Sweet Tooth follows up with two more of his special attacks, which cuase Mercury's truck to go
flying even further. But before he can mount another assault, Mercury is able to recover and
drives away again.

Draco: Wuss.
Hermione: No she must be planning something.

Indeed. She pulls a 180 turn and fires off three ricochet bombs at Sweet Tooth. Two make
contact and knock him back some.

Hermione: See?
Draco: Shut up.

Sweet Tooth barrels straight for Sailor Mercury unleashing machine gun fire and missiles, but
she is able to evade all of his attacks.

Draco: That bloody clown is as blind as a bat.
Steve Austin: Actually, bats can see just fine. It's just that they fly around at night and
have trouble seeing in the dark.
Hermione & Draco: (stare at Austin)
Steve Austin: What, I can't know stuff?
Hermione & Draco: -_-

As Sweet Tooth is chasing after Mercury's truck, he hits a mine that Mercury had just dropped,
causing the ice cream truck to go helter-skelter. While the ice cream truck is careening out of
control, Mercury busts out a freeze maneuver on it, rendering Sweet Tooth motionless and wide
open for a severe ass whupin'. But instead of using the opportunity to do so, Mercury drives
her truck up to Sweet Tooth's frozen ice cream truck, stops so that the passenger door is
directly in front of Sweet Tooth line of vision. Then, Deathworks opens the door and moons
Sweet Tooth, and gets back in the truck. Mercury drives away before Sweet Tooth's vehicle is
unfrozen.

Austin, Draco and Hermione: o_O
Steve Austin: Damn, that kid must REALLY hate that clown.
Hermione: Yeah. It reminds me of when Harry took the time to moon Draco during a Quidditch
match. (AN: I'm making this up, of course.)
Draco: Ugh, don't remind me about that.
Steve Austin: But it looks like DW's little show REALLY pissed Sweet Tooth off!

Oh hell yeah. Sweet Tooth is puttin' the pedal to the metal chasing after Sailor Mercury. But
she built her truck with speed in mind as well as power, and is easily able to keep ahead of
the ice cream truck.

Steve Austin: Damn, I gotta talk to her about how she built that truck. She could sure help me
soup up mine!
Draco: Yeah, it's faster than that stupid-looking ice cream truck, but this isn't a race, it's
vehicular combat. How's keeping ahead of Sweet Tooth going to win it for her?
Hermione: Something tells me we'll see soon enough.

Soon Sailor Mercury reaches a teleportation platform, and her truck vanishes from the premises.
Eventually Sweet Tooth reaches the same platform, and he too disappears.

Hermione: OK, just why are there teleportation platform found in the Twisted Metal games here
outside the deathmatch stadium?
Steve Austin: I have no idea. Why don't you ask our good buddy Grey Fox? Once he's recovered,
that is.
Hermione: Oh believe me, there's PLENTY of things I'm going to ask him about once I get the
chance......
Draco: Where the bloody hell did they go?!

Big explosions and the screeching of tires can be heard somewhere.

Draco: Where's all that noise coming from?
Steve Austin: We better figure it out. Fox'll probably cut some of my pay if I don't do my job
right.
Draco: You're getting PAID for this?!
Steve Austin: Well, yeah....
Draco: What about us?!
Steve Austin: You four got free tickets. Be happy with that.
Draco: -_-

Suddenly, one of Sweet Tooth's bouncing plasma ball thingies can be seen coming down from off of
the roof of the stadium.

Draco: What the...
Steve Austin: You gotta be shittin' me.....

A couple missiles can be seen being fired off from the roof of the stadium.

Hermione: No doubt about it. That teleportation platform leads to the stadium's roof.
Draco: And we can't see what happening, since there aren't any cameras up there.
Steve Austin: Hey, don't you two have flying broomsticks? Go fly up there and see what's
goin' on!
Hermione: We didn't bring them. And secondly, with our rotten luck throughout this entire
fanfiction, there's no way we'd get up there in the line of fire.
Draco: For once, I totally agree with you.

More wicked explosions, sounds of cars crashing against each other, and screeching of tires can
be heard coming from atop the stadium, tantalizing our beloved color commentary crew. (AN: Am I
mean or what? ^^)

Draco: Oh come on! This is ridiculous!
Steve Austin: We can't even tell who's winnin'!
Hermione: I think we know now. (points)

Hermione had pointed to Sweet Tooth's ice cream truck getting blasted off of the stadoium roof.
Now it has gone splat on the hard concrete below. But, being built to withstand a good amount
of abuse, it's still functional and able to battle.

Draco: Aye carumba.
Steve Austin: Since when do you watch Simpsons?
Draco: Huh?
Hermione: Muggle thing Draco. Never mind.
Steve Austin: Well, where's Mercury? Isn't she gonna finish that clown's freaky-lookin' truck
off?

You betcher ass she is. Her truck materializes on the teleportation platform back on the ground
and is now heading for Sweet Tooth.

Hermione: Hey, I just thought of something.
Draco: That's a new one.
Steve Austin: (backhands Draco again to shut him up) Yeah?
Hermione: Well, each TM car has a special move. We already saw Sweet Tooth's, but we haven't
seen Mercury's yet.
Draco: (seeing stars yet again) Well, maybe she's saving it for the finishing blow.
Hermione: For once, I totally agree with you.

And they're right. Once Mercury's truck is in range, it unleashes a deadly blast of icy energy
that hits Sweet Tooth's ice cream truck dead center, striking it with so much force that it
explodes almost instantaneously.

Draco: Ouch.
Hermione: Now THAT is brutal.
Steve Austin: I gotta see if I can get her to put that on my truck!

Mercury's truck pulls up in front of the commentator's booth, and she and Deathworks get out.

Mercury: Well, that's over with.
Steve Austin: Yep. You sure showed that clown who's boss!
Mercury: He had it coming.
Hermione: Just like Draco has it coming to him every chapter.
Draco: Shut up.
Deathworks: (looking not too good)
Steve Austin: Kid, you okay?
Deathworks: (turns away from group and vomits profusely)
Hermy, Draco and Austin: -_-
Mercury: I guess I need to improve my driving skills....

A weird mechanical clanking sound can be heard.

Hermione: Huh?
Steve Austin: What's....

The remains of Sweet Tooth's ice cream truck transform into a big attack robot ( think Twisted
Metal Black ) .

all: O_O
Mercury: Looks like he's a sore loser...

The ice cream truck robot lumbers toward the group, its operator filled with murderous thoughts.
But before he can reach them, another sound is heard: that of a tank drawing near.

Steve Austin: Oh now what?!

A big-ass tank drives up, and Michiru Kaiou comes up out of the top hatch, wearing an army
helmet and camoflague clothing.

all: O_O
Michiru: (pointing at robot) OK HARUKA, OPEN FIRE!

The tank cannon fires at the robot, and Haruka's aim is true. The robot explodes into a million
pieces and Sweet Tooth goes flying off Team Rocket-style.

Mercury: Well, that was, interesting.......
Steve Austin: Aw hell, let's just get in before anything else happens!
Austin, DW and Mercury: (exuent)
Hermione and Draco: (run over to rejoin Harry and Ron)
Harry: Well, that was one seriously whacked-out fight.
Hermione: Yeah, and for once, we didn't get hurt this chapter!
Ron: Amen to that!

A stray ricochet bomb hits the four of them and they go flying off SSBM style.


It never ends!

***********************************

Sorry that this one is so short compared to the previous chapters. Definitely stick around
for the next one though. It'll be a keeper.

On another note, from certain feedback, I get the impression some think that I really hate
all the losers in these deathmatches. Not true. I don't hate Buffy. I've watched some of the
show and I kinda like it. I don't hate Pikachu and Charizard. They're two of my favorite
Pokemon. And I *DEFINITELY* don't hate Ridley -- he's one of the most bad-ass game villains
out there! And as for Sweet Tooth, no, I don't hate him. I'll be sure so send him flowers
while he's in the hospital.

So long,
Grey Fox