Pokemon Fan Fiction / Pokemon Fan Fiction / Sailor Moon Fan Fiction / Sonic Series Fan Fiction / Fan Fiction / Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ Universal Deathmatch ❯ Shrek vs. The Terminator ( Chapter 6 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Universal Deathmatch, Fight #6: Shrek vs. The Terminator
9-03-02
by Grey Fox

Disclaimer: Both the movie Shrek and the Terminator movie series belong to, uhhhhhh, whoever the
hell owns them. And so do the eventual sequels for both which will be coming out in the next few
years, and I pray they don't suck. Especially Terminator 3.

Special Note: In this chapter, we have several new members on my deathmatch hosting team, so
let's show you who they are by getting right to our theme song.


In the not too distant future
Sometime next week I think.
A fanfic writer called Grey Fox
Was on a writing streak.

"I'll set up whacked-out fights!
The weirdest I can think of!
The audience'll sit and watch them all!
As they laugh their asses off!"

Now keep in mind only Grey Fox knows
When these fights begin and end.
And he's gonna watch all of 'em
With his deathmatch hosting friends.

Roll Call!

Sailor Mercury! (Well, I'm out of attacks to say here.)
Stone Cold Steve Austin! (Where's my GBA?)
Ric Flair! (Woooooo!)
Stephanie McMahon! (How come Grey Fox doesn't do this?)
Deathworks! (Ami.... dominate.... )
Kirby! (Where's the food?)
Fox McCloud! (Ooooh. Free T-shirts.)
Nemesis! (SSSTTTTTAAARRRRSSS.....)
and Harry Potter and friends! (Aahhh! What's he doing here?!)

Now if you're wondering how they're all here
And other science facts.
Just remember it's only a deathmatch fic
So shut the hell up and relax!
And watch Universal Deathmatch, Fight 6!

(test of the Emergency Broadcast System)

Our opening scene is somewhere else in Washu's secret lab, in which Ridley is running for dear
life from Sailor Mercury, who is still giant-sized, as Deathworks and Washu look on and
sweatdrop.

Mercury: GET BACK HERE!!
Ridley: NO!!! I'M NOT LETTING YOU TRAP ME HERE AGAIN!!! YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS
PSYCHO WILL DO TO ME!!! LET ME GO!!!
Mercury: After you tried to blow up the stadium?!! FAT CHANCE!!
Washu: (turns to DW) Think we should lend her a hand?
Deathworks: Good idea. You wanna try?
Mercury: (finally manages to tackle Ridley) No thanks. If I could drag him all the way back here
I can finish the job. (begins to drag Ridley by the tail kicking and screaming to a big open
doorway)
Ridley: OH SHIT!!! (grabs onto outer edges of passageway with hands and feet) NO, DON'T PUT ME IN
THERE!!!
Mercury: (trying to shove Ridley through doorway) Maybe now you'll think twice before causing
trouble like that again! (shoulder charges at Ridley, knocking both of them in the room --
Mercury gets out before Ridley can and hits a button, and a steel shutter door closes the
doorway)
Ridley: Noooooooo!!!!!
Mercury: Whew, finally I got him back in his cell.
Washu: Uhhh, that's not exactly a cell.
Mercury: Eh?

Buzzing sounds can be heard from the room Ridley is in.

Ridley: GYAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Washu: It houses one of my new inventions.
Mercury: What is it?
Ridley: EEEEYYYAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Deathworks: o_O;; I don't think I want to know...

************

Back inside the stadium, where the four Hogwarts students are seated, eagerly anticipating the
next matchup.

Harry: (to narration) Yeah, right.
Ron: Just tell us, where DID you learn how to work with explosives?
Hermione: No.
Draco: Well, before things get underway, I better do a little something before I forget.
Harry: Eh?
Draco: (grabs his hard hat and pulls out his wand, and transfigures it into a motorcycle helmet
with a black-tinted visor -- he then puts it on and straps it on tight)
Harry, Ron and Hermione: O_o
Nemesis: SSTTTAARRSS........
Hermione: Draco, do you realize just how stupid you look?
Draco: As long as this keeps me safe from your mallet and laser pen wand, I really don't care.
And I also put an anti-transfiguration spell on it, so don't even bother trying to change it
again.
Ron: Uhh, Hermione, looks like he finally got one step ahead of you.
Hermione: Damn!
Harry: Look at the bright side. At least nothing blasted all four of us last chapter like during
the first four.
Ron: Maybe it was just the author's way of repaying us after foiling Ridley's bomb plot.
Hermione: Yeah, I kinda did save everyone's butts...
Nemesis: SSSTTTAAARRRSSS...

At the commentators' booth, Grey Fox is seated at the center, with Kirby at his right and Fox
McCloud at his left. All three are wearing headsets and ready to begin.

Grey Fox: Hello once again, fellow deathmatch-loving viewers! Since Mercury and Deathworks are
busy dragging Ridley back to Washu's chamber of horrors, and Austin is recovering from the severe
beating Uranus gave him last time, I got Nintendo superstars Kirby and Fox McCloud to host this
match with me.
Kirby: Yep, and we got a special match prepared for you this time.
Fox McCloud: A sort of "return-to-roots" approach, if you will.
Grey Fox: Yes, I started this fic with having the most unimaginable match-ups in mind, and I mean
who would've ever imagined Sailor Mercury taking on the likes of Ridley? But I feel that after
that, things descended into the not-so-outlandish.
Kirby: Yes. Me and Fox taking on those two Pokemon certainly was interesting, but since we're
all Nintendo characters, it wasn't that odd.
Fox McCloud: And Buffy fighting Spider-Man? With all those comparisons of Buffy's strength to
Spidey's on her show, it kinda was expected someone would do a deathmatch like that.
Kirby: By the way, where did Spidey go?
Fox McCloud: Ahh, he had to go help out the Avengers or something.
Grey Fox: Anyway, moving on, I also felt like the last two deathmatches went a bit too far off on
a tangent. A Twisted Metal-style match and a WWE-ish wrestling match were a bit much. So now,
we're going back to a traditional one-on-one deathmatch, between two people no one would EVER
expect to see duking it out.
Kirby: Indeed. This next match-up is between --- SHREK AND THE TERMINATOR!!!
Hermione: Uh-oh.
Draco: Is that bad?
Hermione: Let's just say things could get a little... messy...
Nemesis: SSTTTAARRRSSSS........
Fox McCloud: Yep, two guys from two of the best movies ever, even today.
Grey Fox: Especially since Hollywood mostly churns out crap these days. I mean, look at
atrocities like Cats & Dogs, or that terribly disappointing Scorpion King! And David Hayter
worked on that one too! Thankfully Star Wars Episode II and Spider-Man turned out alright.
Kirby: Ugh, let's move on. First off, let's bring out the Terminator!

All of a sudden, "Bad to the Bone" starts playing, and the Terminator rides out into the arena on a
motorcycle, wearing the get-up from the beginning of Terminator 2: Judgment Day, complete with
shades, and armed with a buttload of firepower.

Kirby: Why are we still doing music intros?
Fox McCloud: GF decided to leave them in after last chapter.
Grey Fox: (watching Terminator) Y'know, that so screms the Untertaker.
Kirby: (Limp Bizkit) Rollin' rollin' rollin' rollin'!
Fox McCloud: (Terminator as Undertaker) I don't think Shrek be respectin' me.
Grey Fox: Knock it off, you two. This is a deathmatch, not a fucking MST.
Kirby: Hmph. Killjoy.
Grey Fox: Bite me. And now, let's bring out combatant number two, everyone's favorite antisocial
big green ogre, Shrek!
Kirby: So, is he gonna come riding in on a donkey?
Grey Fox: That's Jesus, Kirby.
Kirby: Bite me.

Suddenly, a lightning bolt comes out of nowhere and fries Kirby.

Kirby: (looks heavenward) I said "Bite me", not "Smite me"!!!
Fox McCloud: o_O;; I really think we need to stop saying "Bite me" as much...
Grey Fox: That's for sure...

Shrek walks on out into the arena, while that "Hey now, you're an all-star" song blares over the
speakers (I'm too lazy to go find out what it's really called) .

Draco: So that's it? A big ogre and some guy on a motorcycle with guns?
Hermione: Shrek can attack with copious amounts of flatulence, and the Terminator is a cyborg.
Draco: A cyborg?
Hermione: Part organic, part machine...
Draco: Hey, I *KNOW* what a cyborg is...

The Terminator gets off his bike and grabs an M-16, and walks towards Shrek.

Shrek: So yer the big bad killing machine, eh?
Terminator: I am a Terminator, class T-800, cybernetic endoskeleton surround by living...
Shrek: Hey, I've seen Terminator 2 already! Skip the bloody speech about whatcha are!
Terminator: Affirmative.
Shrek. Ya, fine. Whatever.
Ron: Y'know, Professor Snape could take lessons from those two on how to improve on being a
stone-faced hardcase.

Ric Flair comes out holding an envelope, and heads toward the commentators' booth.

Kirby: Hey Flair. That Sailor Neptune sure was something, huh?
Ric Flair: (to Kirby) Stuff it, marshmallow. (to Grey Fox) Here, this letter just came in.
Grey Fox: (takes the letter and opens it) Uhhh, Ron, you better watch your mouth from here on in.
Ron: Huh?
Grey Fox: The letter says: "Fifteen points from Gryffindor for that wisecrack. Signed: Professor
Severus Snape".
everyone else: o_O
Ric Flair: Well, that would explain why the letter was dropped off by an owl.
Harry: Snape SAW that?
Grey Fox: I guess this show is being broadcasted to Hogwarts or something.
Hermione: So that means everyone back home can see how idiotic you look with that helmet, Draco.
Grey Fox: Not to mention how Hermione has repeatedly beaten the living shit out of you.
Draco: (makes a face, but with the motorcycle helmet on, it's impossible to tell what it was)
Ric Flair: I'd better get out of here before the carnage starts.
Ron: Yes, do that.
Ric Flair: Don't hate the messenger, kid.
Ron: -_-
Shrek: Ummm, I hate ta sound impatient, but can we get this bloody thing over with?
Grey Fox: Oh all right. But before we start, people, please, since it's almost the first
anniversary of September 11th attacks, a moment of silence in rememberance of all the lives lost
that day.
Kirby: ....
Fox McCloud: ....
Grey Fox: ....
Ric Flair: ....
Shrek: ....
Terminator: ....
Harry: ....
Ron: ....
Hermione: ....
Draco: ....
Nemesis: SSTTTAARRSSSS.....
everyone else: -_-
Grey Fox: Okay, now on to the blood and guts. (turns to his right and points) Hit it!

Somewhere else in the arena, Stephanie McMahon rings a big-ass gong, signalling the start of the
deathmatch.

Fox McCloud: Wait, she's sticking around for the gong-ringer position?
Grey Fox: Oh, give me a break.
Kirby: Anyway, I got ten on Shrek.
Fox McCloud: Ha! Put me down for twenty on the Terminator.
Grey Fox: -_-;; If I get in trouble because of gambling going on here, you two are dead.

As soon as the gong is sounded, the Terminator immediately opens fire at Shrek with his M-16. But
Shrek, anticipating a frontal assault like this, jumps and launches himself at the Terminator. He
doesn't see the attack coming until it's too late, and Shrek has tacked him and pinned him to the
ground.

Grey Fox: Owie.
Fox McCloud: Okay, cyborg or not, he HAD to feel that.
Ric Flair: Well, I'm outta here. (leaves)
Grey Fox: Wuss.
Ric Flair: (offscreen, yelling) I heard that!

Shrek now has the Terminator in an unbreakable hold. He then jumps up, and slams the Terminator
down onto the ground as he's coming back down. For a while, he just lays there lifeless on the
floor.

Fox McCloud: Oooo, I felt that one.
Kirby: This is shaping up to be like that one wrestling scene in Shrek's movie.
Fox McCloud: Hey GF, they might need a ref. Get ready to go out there.
Grey Fox: Oh muzzle it hairball.
Ron: I thought it was his job to talk about the fight.
Grey Fox: -_-;; You're not helping.

Shrek runs over and grabs the M-16 that the Terminator dropped, and turns around, prepared to fire
it at him. By now, he's has gotten up and is ready to face-off against Shrek again. Shrek opens
fire on the Terminator, but it doesn't do much good. He empties practically the entire cartridge
into his chest, but it doesn't seem to hurt him in the least, only mess up his shirt and jacket
by littering it with holes and some spurts of blood.

Grey Fox: Heh, so much for that outfit.
Kirby: Just like in the movies, you can shoot him up all you want, but it barely even slows him
down, and not really even hurt him.
Fox McCloud: But since when does Shrek know how to use guns?
Shrek: Ahh ta bloody hell with it. (tosses gun over his shoulder)
Draco: (helmet gets hit with the butt of the gun, and the gun bounces off and lands in Hermione's
lap)
Hermione: Hmmmm.... (wicked grin)
Draco: (panicked demeanor)
Grey Fox: Don't even think about it. Give it here.
Hermione: Aww man. (gives gun to GF)
Draco: *Whew*....

Abandoning the strategy of trying to shoot up the Terminator, Shrek charges toward him with hands
outstretched, ready to grab hold of him. But the Terminator is prepared. He ducks down right
before he reaches him, and just when Shrek is about to make contact with him, he flips him over
and Shrek lands flat on his back.

Kirby: Even without any firepower, the Terminator is a force to be reckoned with.
Grey Fox: Duh, he's a machine.
Fox McCloud: By the way, which Terminator is this supposed to be?
Grey Fox: Oh, the one from Terminator 2.
Kirby: But didn't he have himself killed at the end of T2?
Grey Fox: Hey, don't forget the famous phrase, "I'll be back."

While he is down, the Terminator proceeds to beat Shrek's face in with punch after punch of
awesome force. But Shrek is eventually able to shove the Terminator off of him and while he is
momentarily confused leg sweep him and knock him flat on his face.

Shrek: Ay, that wasn't very polite laddie. Now I'm gonna teach you a lesson.
Fox McCloud: Since when did Shrek become the authority on proper manners?
Grey Fox: Since his film first came out, and he endeared himself with millions of moviegoers with
his belching and farting.
Kirby: -_-;; Riiiiiiiight.......

The Terminator is now trapped once again by Shrek, who has him caught in a chokehold from behind.
And from the way Shrek is tightening his grip, it appears as if he is trying to rip the
Terminator's head clean off his shoulders.

Grey Fox: Trying to decapitate a Terminator? How.... novel....
Kirby: I don't really think he can do it though.
Fox McCloud: He better not. I've got money riding on the Terminator.
Kirby: Oh yeah, in that case... GO SHREK! RIP HIS HEAD OFF!
Grey Fox: -_-;; This is the first and last time I allow betting on these fights....

Shrek is still trying to decapitate our favorite cyborg killing machine, but apparently he's not
having much success. But the Terminator, while Shrek can't see, pulls out a pistol he had
concealed for use at just the right time (which would most certainly be about now) , and shoots
Shrek in the upper leg with it.

Terminator: Chill out, dickwad.
Shrek: YEOW!

The gunshot wound the Terminator just inflicted causes Shrek to release his hold on him. He
turns, ready to fire again at Shrek, this time at his head, and bring this match to a close.

Terminator: Hasta la vista, baby.
Kirby: Okay, who didn't see that line coming?

Shrek overcomes the excruciating pain in his leg and swats the pistol out of the Terminator's
hand. The pistol goes flying through the air and lands neatly in Hermione's lap.

Kirby, GF and Fox M.: o_O
Kirby: What're the odds of that happening twice?
Hermione: (picks up gun) Hey Draco, think that helmet can protect you from a bullet? (waves gun
around Draco's head menacingly)
Draco: (REALLY panicked demeanor)
Grey Fox: Hermy, hand it over....
Hermione: Phooey. (tosses pistol to GF)
Ron: Nice way to psyche Malfoy out Hermione.
Draco: As if this ugly zombie isn't freaky enough.
Nemesis: SSSTTTTAAAAARRRRSSSS........
Draco: Ugh....
Hermione: Who said I was only going to mess with your head?
Draco: WHAT?!

Back to the fight. The Terminator has been taking full advantage of Shrek's wounded leg, and has
begun attacking him with a variety of martial arts attacks. But Shrek, though hampered by his
injury, is still able to fend off the Terminator's assault. He is able to block just about every
attack the Terminator has hurled his way, but a few are still able to get through, and even worse,
Shrek is showing some signs of fatigue and slowing down.

Fox McCloud: This could be over soon, folks. The Terminator has Shrek on the ropes and Shrek's
showing signs of giving in!
Kirby: Of course you sound happy about it. You bet on the Terminator.
Grey Fox: Ugh, just shut up you two. It ain't over until it's over.

Indeed. (AN: Heh, I sure start off a lot of paragraphs with that word...) Shrek has had just
about enough of being put on the defensive by the Terminator, and belches really loud right in his
face, a weird, opaque green gas seeping effusively from his mouth.

Shrek: Ay, I beg yuir pardon.....
Terminator: .......
Kirby: Phhht, I can belch way better than that.
Fox McCloud: And what was the point? The Terminator wasn't affected by gas in the movies. What
good will it do Shrek?
Grey Fox: I think I know....

The resultant stinky gas from Shrek's belch didn't really affect the Terminator that much, since
he's a cyborg and smells don't necessarily affect him. But it did momentarily disrupt the
Terminator's attack, allowing Shrek to deliver one massive punch to his midsection, knocking him
back several meters.

Fox McCloud: So he got the Terminator to break off his attack and knock him back some. Big deal.
Shrek: Ay, it is a big deal. For starters, I had plenty of beans fer dinner, an'... (lights a
match)
Grey Fox: O_O;; Oh dear God!!!!!!!

Shrek sticks the lighted match up to his ass, and then lets a *BIIIIIIIIIIG* one rip. What
happens next is predictable: a huge stream of flame shoots forth from the lighted match, and the
flame engulfs the Terminator. The flailing form of the Terminator can be seen writhing within
the fire, and ultimately stops moving and falls still. Also, since Shrek and the Terminator were
relatively close to the commentators' booth, some of the flames hit all three commentators and
the four kid wizards. Tahnkfully the table is fireproofed. All seven are blackened, clothes
charred and hair singed (except for Kirby, who's just blackened).

Harry: Ow.
Ron: And just when I thought that we no longer had to worry about the four of us getting hurt each
chapter.
Kirby: Hey, in case you didn't noticed, we didn't exactly get away unscathed.
Grey Fox: Kinda like when you spat Pikachu out at us and we all got electrocuted.
Draco: Except for me of course.
Hermione: (sticks tongue out at Draco)
Kirby: (to Grey Fox) Oh, will you just shut up about that?!
Shrek: Oh well, so much fer Mr. Big Bad Robot. I'm outta here....

But wait! From the swirling flames where the Terminator once stood, a form rises and walks out
from the fire. It is the Terminator, only with all his organic flesh burned off of him,
leaving only his robotic endoskeleton.

Grey Fox: Hoo baby.

The Terminator renews his attack on Shrek by grabbing at him from behind, catching Shrek
completely off-guard.

Shrek: WHAT THE BLOODY HELL?!!!!
Kirby: Guess Shrek didn't see the first movie, or else he might have seen this coming.
Grey Fox: No big loss. I kinda found T1 to be a bit subpar.

Though caught unawares, Shrek is by no means helpless. He reaches behind him and grabs the
Terminator, then throws him down on the ground hard. To follow up, Shrek jumps up and down on the
downed Terminator, the metal screeching and cracking in protest.

Fox McCloud: Uhhh, even though he's lost all his organic parts, is he still able to feel that?
Kirby: Well, a big fat ogre is stomping on him repeatedly with all his weight. What do you think?
Grey Fox: Good point.
Shrek: And now, ta finish this! An' in the most insulting way too!
Grey Fox: What does that mean?

Shrek runs over to where the Terminator left his motorcycle, and starts it up.

Grey Fox: Okay, now I have a good idea.

Shrek uses the motorcycle to repeatedly run over and knock around the remains of the Terminator.
This goes on for a few minutes, as Shrek is clearly enjoying himself.

Kirby: That's kinda sadistic. Anyway, Fox, I believe you owe me a twenty.
Fox McCloud: DAMN! (pulls out a twenty and hands it over to Kirby)
Grey Fox: Yes indeedy, Shrek sure has won this deathmatch.
Shrek: Oh, can I keep the bike?
Grey Fox: Well, since the Terminator's probably not gonna need it anytime soon, go ahead.
Shrek: Thanks! (rides out of arena)
Fox McCloud: HE certainly looks happy.
Kirby: Don't be a sore loser Fox.
Grey Fox: Well, hopefully the Terminator'll be up and running again for Terminator 3, and by God
that movie had better not suck!
Hermione: Hey, what're you doing?
Ron: Hey, watch it!
Nemesis: SSSTTTTAAAAAARRRRSSSSS.............
Grey Fox: Eh, what's going on? (turns back to the HP gang, seeing the Undertaker standing right in
front of Ron and Hermione's seats) Okay, what're you doing here?
Undertaker: I here because of that crack you made about me earlier. I don't let anyone get away
with disrespectin' me.
Ron: Are you related to Professor Snape by any chance?
Grey Fox: Ugh, a word of advice: Go away before I have to hurt you....
Kirby: Yeah, it's kinda unwise to screw around with the author....

Before Undertaker can respond, Maven comes at him from behind and drop kicks him, knocking him out
of the seating area and down onto the arena floor.

Grey Fox: Okay, who didn't see THAT coming?

And just as suddenly, Ric Flair walks up to Undertaker, holding a Donkey Kong hammer.

Ric Flair: Oh Taker....
Undertaker: Aw crap....

Undertaker flees madly from Flair, who's chasing him and swinging the DK hammer as the famous
little ditty is heard.

Kirby and Fox McCloud: o_O
Kirby: Uhhh, I thought all the stuff that happened in wrestling on TV was part of some
pre-scripted story. So why are Flair and Maven beating on Taker?
Grey Fox: Because Taker spread a rumor that Flair has genital herpes, and he left the Card Captor
Sakura tapes he borrowed from Maven out in the car and they got fried.
Kirby and Fox McCloud: -_-

**********************

Well, finally, I'm once again able to get out another chapter only a week after the previous one.
Will I be able to keep this up? Probably not. But regardless, stay tuned for more deathmatch
craziness. Now excuse me, but I suddenly have the urge to go watch Shrek and Terminator 2 again.

So long,
Grey Fox