Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction / Love Hina Fan Fiction / Mahou Sensei Negima! Fan Fiction ❯ Coming Home to Roost ❯ Great Big Hairy Balls of Fire ( Chapter 8 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: RangerShade 
The Cake is a Lie!
Anime/Manga: Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction / Love Hina Fan Fiction / Mahou Sensei Negima! Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Action / Comedy / Martial Arts / Romance | Type: Crossover | Uploaded On: 06.21.2009 | Updated On: 10.12.2009 | Pages: 7 | Words: 4.5K | Visits: 2.4K | Status: Work In Progress
The Cake is a Lie!
Anime/Manga: Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction / Love Hina Fan Fiction / Mahou Sensei Negima! Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Action / Comedy / Martial Arts / Romance | Type: Crossover | Uploaded On: 06.21.2009 | Updated On: 10.12.2009 | Pages: 7 | Words: 4.5K | Visits: 2.4K | Status: Work In Progress
Coming Home to Roost
by Shade
Disclaimer: Takahashi, Akamatsu, Tite Kubo and others own the characters used.
Warning: Strong Language, Suggestive Themes and a Sick Sense of Humor.
"Both marriage and death ought to be welcome: The one promises happiness,
doubtless the other assures it."
-Mark Twain
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
Chapter 8: Great Big Hairy Balls of Fire
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
"Ranma Saotome!!"
The pigtailed boy warily eyed the white robed young man who had shouted his name.
"What do you want, Mousse?"
While Mousse was generally an alright guy to be around as long as Shampoo wasn't involved,
Saotome wasn't sure why the Chinese boy had come looking for him. All Ranma knew was that
if the long haired young man damaged the rented tuxedo he was currently wearing, he would
have to do unspeakably horrible things to him.
"I heard it all from Shampoo, Saotome."
Oh hell. Not now, the last thing he wanted to do was fight right before an engagement with
his spouses. Because then he might be late and then the fat would really be in the fryer.
As the white robed martial artist rushed at him, Ranma found that the stiffness of the
expensive cloth was hampering his own attempts to dodge or counter.
'Shit!'
"Congratulations!!"
Ranma's jaw dropped as Mousse hugged him tightly and began slapping him
on the back with an open palm.
"Wha-?"
"May your marriages be long and fruitful!"
An arrow of horror stabbed Ranma in the back.
"Together with those you love for the rest of your life!"
Another arrow lodged in the twitching boy's back.
"For every moment of every day, never apart even in Death!"
The heat seeking missile obliterated his body into dust.
Mousse blinked and pushed his glasses down over his eyes.
'Amazing. He's so happy, he's speechless.'
For what it was worth, Mousse's bad eyesight wasn't entirely to blame for this misconception.
The corners of the pigtailed boy's mouth were curled upwards after all.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
He was in DESPAIR!
Not your normal 'oh my life sucks' despair, but 'The world is a dark and lonely place conspiring
to stick large pointy objects up where the sun don't shine' DESPAIR.
"DAMN YOU, SAOTOME!!"
A dramatic roll of thunder sounded behind him.
Ryoga Hibiki shook an angry fist at the unsympathetic clear sky above.
He couldn't believe, that perverted coward was cheating on his beloved
sweet Akane with MORE WOMEN!! And they had BREASTS!! And they were beautiful!
And they had BIG BREASTS!! And for some bizzare reason they seemed to be
completely infatuated with the half-man! NOT TO MENTION THEY HAD REALLY BIG BREASTS!!
"Just you wait, you Don Juan!! I will have my REVENGE!!"
*CRACKLE* *BOOM*
"I will show dear Akane just how VILE-" *BOOM* "-your-" *CRACKLE* "-true nature is!"
"I will smash your-" *CRACKLE* "-ed in-" *CRACKLE* "-en take-" *BOOM*BOOM* "-yself!"
*BOOM* *CRACKLE* *BOOM*
"Will you CUT THAT OUT!!!"
Fuura Kafuka blinked innocently at the strange boy from behind the sheet of metal
and the large hammer that she was using to create the sound effects.
She was a girl with an eternally positive outlook.
He was the eternally lost boy of negativity.
"It is a deep friendship between men!"
"WHAT?!"
It was a meeting that should have never occurred.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
Two young men sipped their coffee as they sat outside of the cafe.
"But if she's so beautiful, how bad could it be?"
"Two words. Penis shibari."
There was a long drawn out silence.
"Oh."
"Yeah. You're starting to finally get the picture."
Mousse was beginning to regret his curiosity. He now had mental negatives in his head
he would have gladly paid to have erased if he could. It made Shampoo look as tame
as a fluffy bunny.
"And she won't lift a finger to help you, even if you're in a fight for your life?"
"Yep."
"What does she call that?"
"Foreplay."
Mousse stared out at the street, not blinking. After a minute, he seemed to snap
out of whatever private horror he'd been seeing in his mind's eye and turned back to Ranma.
"Okay Saotome, I'll support you all the way under one condition."
"Shoot."
"Keep them the hell AWAY from the Amazon village!"
"No problem. I don't want them giving out pointers any more then you do."
"But that won't be enough to stop the Old Ghoul. I can slow her down a bit, but..."
"Leave that to me."
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
How had she gotten here again?
It was difficult to remember, between the low buzzing and the unusual
but not unpleasant sensations coming from below.
But she was fairly certain it had involved a cat.
Sakaki had never been able to resist cats.
Even though they bit and scratched her, she wanted nothing more then to be with the little creatures.
Of course, that particular black cat had been something special.
It had let her stroke its soft fur without chomping down on her other hand first.
She had been so moved by the animal's kindness that she'd wanted to cry.
And then it had asked her a question.
"Would you like some delicious candy?"
The only other cat that had ever spoken to her before had been Chiyo's father.
But for some reason it seemed to make perfect sense. Of course the first cat that
would let her pet it could talk, just as Chiyo's dad was Santa Claus.
It was just that she couldn't recall exactly how that had led from there to here.
"Oh, you're awake!"
The pretty face of a cheerful looking girl with long orange blond hair looked down at her.
"The Mistress will be pleased that you've recovered so quickly."
Now that Sakaki could focus a little more clearly on the other girl, she noticed
to her mild shock that she was probably even more developed then Sakaki herself was,
which was made even more noticable by the lack of covering in the design of her clothing.
"I'm Orihime Inoue! What's your name?"
The sheer white material of the quarter cut brassiere was being put
to the test as Inoue bent low to offer her hand to the now half-sitting girl.
"Sakaki."
She took Orihime's offered hand and shook it automatically. It seemed like the thing to do.
Then she looked down and asked the most pressing question she had at the moment.
"Why is there a pink wire running out of my panties?"
Orihime's smile grew bigger.
"Special training!"
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
Ranma shivered as a cold chill ran down his spine. It felt as if someone had walked on his grave,
turned around and then started to line dance on it with steel toed boots. He was not a religious person.
But he was praying that nothing went wrong at this dinner, perhaps the most important one of his life.
The young man nervously checked himself again in front of the Heart of Jade for the seventh time.
The suit was clean and neat,he had the carefully selected flowers for each wife in one arm, his wallet
actually had cash in it and he was fairly certain he remembered enough table manners to not give them
any excuse to punish him.
And then afterwards...
The martial artist's face suddenly went as white as a ghost.
He'd forgotten to get the Fucking Condoms!!
Ranma grabbed Genma by the arm.
"Pops! Do you have any-"
"Excuse me...gentlemen. You appear to be lost," said a tall heavily built man in a dark suit that bore
the golden logo of the Heart of Jade on the breast pocket. While his words were polite, the tone behind
them was similiar to the one used by most people when finding fresh doggy surprises on their footwear.
Both Saotomes turned and professionally eyed the dark haired upper class equivalent of a nightclub bouncer.
They coldly sized him up in seconds as a martial arts wannabe, all power, no finesse. A single shared
glance between father and son was all it took to communicate their unspoken agreement that in any
other circumstances would have resulted in a brief moment of family bonding as they kicked the shit
out of the asshole disrepecting them. But seeing as they wanted to eat here without the usual troubles
and excitement that normally accompanied their dining out, they decided to try simple negotiations instead.
"We've got reservations."
The man smiled without any warmth as he eyed their clothes in such a way as to give the impression
that he had priced them down to the last thread and found them well below the usual net worth allowed
inside of the fine dining establishment.
"I'm sure there are several restaurants further down the street where you would
be much more comfortable in an atmosphere better suited to your tastes."
Ranma pinched the bridge of his nose as he felt the beginnings of headache start to form.
Without a word he handed the flowers he had been holding to his father who took them with
a small nod of understanding and stepped back to watch.
"Look, all we want is to enjoy a nice peaceful family dinner here."
"I assure you that our establishment caters only to the highest class of diner-"
The man's words died away as Ranma pulled out a thick roll of yen notes.
The young martial artist counted out a few bills and then put the rest of it back in his pants.
Then he suddenly grabbed the taller man by the front of his chest with his free hand
and slammed him hard enough against the side of the building to knock the breath out
of the startled bouncer.
"I've been having a VERY bad day. It probably isn't going to get any better later on.
So here's the deal. Shut up, take the money and leave us alone."
"Are you threatening me," croaked the man as he clawed futilely at the arm that held him,
but he might as well have been trying to move a mountain.
The pigtailed young man sighed.
"No, I'm telling you. Now if you give us any more trouble I will stick these bills so far
up your ass that they'll be able to say hello to your breakfast and then shove your head
in after to go fish them out. That's a threat. See the difference?"
There was something horrifyingly mesmerizing about the quiet polite smile on that face.
The bouncer shut up and took the money.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
Akane Tendo awoke to the sensation of her head having cracked open and spilled all of the contents out.
Or at least that was what this horrible numb feeling from her forehead to the base of her neck felt like.
For a few blissful moments she didn't know where she was or what had happened.
Then treacherous memories began to seep into black fog that currently passed for self awareness.
The Match!
Akane tried to jerk herself into a sitting position. And immediately regretted it.
"Uuggh! Hlorp!"
Nausea hit her like a ten ton anvil dropped on her stomach. She had to fight the bitter taste of bile
in her throat that threatened to empty everything she'd ever eaten in the last week on top of herself.
"Finally awake huh, sis?"
"N-nabiki?"
"Were you expecting someone else?"
There was a hint of a chill in the middle Tendo's voice.
"I have to get back to the Match! It's not over yet!"
Akane tried once again to get to her feet.
"Glorp! Huerrgh!"
Predictably this achieved nothing more then to make her head spin
as her gut spasmed like an out of control washing machine.
"The match ended hours ago, Akane. You lost. Badly."
The words dropped off Nabiki's lips like an executioner's axe on the downstroke.
"No!"
It was impossible, inconceivable! She was Akane Tendo, she couldn't lose to a stupid foreigner!
"She cheated!! That bimbo cheated!!"
Nabiki resisted the urge to roll her eyes. If only she didn't need her younger sister
to exact her own revenge on Ranma and his harlots, she would have happily taken her
own pound of flesh from Akane for losing so pitifully to that gaijin bitch.
That bastard Saotome wouldn't get away with this. She was going to get her money back
from him with interest and then she was going to make the "pigtailed girl" give the
boys at school lapdances at twenty thousand yen a pop!
Nabiki Tendo wasn't mad. She was fucking furious.
"Don't worry, Akane. We'll get ours back soon enough. After all, we know where they're going to dinner."
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
In retrospect, he really should have seen it coming.
But in Ranma Saotome's defense, even if he'd known ahead of time it probably wouldn't have made a difference anyway.
They'd somehow acquired the services of a stretch-limo. The kind that movie stars stepped out of.
And when the women had stepped out of it, every male gaze within eyesight focused on them like
iron filings towards an electromagnet.
Words could have been used to describe them. Stunning, amazing, heartstoppingly sexy and dressed to kill.
But these were inadequate descriptors that could not do full justice to the actual presence of them all.
Even Soi-fon, if ever there was a homicidal tomboy, looked stunning without having actually knocked out
everyone present first. It took him a full minute to realize that the other foxy lady with them was his mother.
She didn't look like a mother now. She looked, she looked like...well she shouldn't make him feel anything like
*that* towards her!!
"I think tonight we're going to make you a sibling, my boy."
That finally snapped the pigtailed martial artist out of the dreamy spell he'd been in.
"Too much information!"
The Quintet ignored the papparazzi snapping pictures and the various men who tried to intercept them with offers
of jewels, trips to France and proposals of marriage. They homed in straight towards Ranma and Genma instead and
every other man on the street turned into red hot daggers of hate that glared at the two males who obviously
did not deserve to spend even a moment in the company of such goddesses made flesh.
The young man swallowed nervously as he offered the flower bouquets to each of them in turn.
Yoruichi's strapless bare back dress shimmered like a thousand gems of crimson flame as she took the colorful array
of sweet smelling orchids. The young woman closed her eyes and sniffed gently, smiling as she took in the subtle
arrangement of the tropical perfume. Her long hair had been coiffed up into a more elegant arrangement of her normal ponytail.
It seemed to have been designed specifically to be completely ruined during a heated bout of passion.
Her face bore only the faintest traces of makeup around the eyes and a thin line of dark rose on her lips.
She hadn't bothered with stockings or pantyhose, instead letting the natural perfection of her long dark legs
reveal themselves past the short hem of her dress.
Tsuruko's cream cheongsam was cut high at the thigh, accenting a figure that already threatened to cause terminal bleeding
from the nasal veins of many of the onlookers, male and female alike. The silky fabric revealed nothing and teased hints
of everything. If Yoruichi was an elaborate jewel then she was simplicity itself. Her rich black hair had been left
in her normal natural state that was in itself as captivating as any arranged style. Even the fine white lace stockings
she wore were deceptively simple, somehow projecting both innocence and experience at the same time. Her quiet words
of thanks made Ranma shiver as he smelled the rich intoxicating female scent that sent the mind wandering in the direction
of soft beds and warm embraces.
And then there was Mana. He had gotten a brief taste of what the years had done for the once scrawny little girl
at school and the dojo. It still hadn't prepared him for the full impact to the senses that was a Tatsumiya
dressed to impress. It might be cliche, but her one shoulder black satin dress did indeed fit her like a sheath.
The neckline had been cut so low that Ranma felt an almost irrational urge to shield her from the greedy eyes
of the people on the street. Her gold eyes seemed to almost be daring him to say something about her choice of
attire. It even showed in the way she moved, as if those high heels she wore were weapons of war. Of course
since this was Mana, they probably were.
Soi-fon was almost an afterthought, her deep sea blue silk dress simply eclipsed by the other women.
To Ranma's amazement someone who had probably been Yoruichi had gone all out on the fidgeting
girl. Her short hair had been styled and her braids coiled chinese style into two seperate buns on her head.
While the makeup had taken what was already there and enhanced the best points of her fine features.
She even had a pair of pearl earrings on, which would make this the first time Saotome had ever seen the tomboy
wear any kind of jewelry. Soi-fon wouldn't meet his eyes directly and to his almost horrified amazement there
was a pink flush in her cheeks that had nothing to do with his battle with her earlier that day.
The pigtailed martial artist tried to think of something to say. His mouth opened and shut several times but nothing came out.
Finally he settled on, "Uh...You all look great. Even you, Soi-fon."
When this did not get the angry rise out of her that he'd been expecting Ranma
began to worry that he was losing his touch. The normally aggressive Shinigami
was avoiding direct eye contact with him and looked for all the world like a
nervous girl on her first date.
"Th-thank you."
The pigtailed martial artist recoiled as if he'd been struck, his hands coming up involuntarily
in gestures to ward off whatever evil was making Soi-fon behave in such an abnormal manner.
"Isn't that nice," Yoruichi said as she casually caressed the smaller girl's derriere.
Soi-fon let out a soft squeak and seemed to freeze in place.
Ranma didn't catch the rest of what his first wife whispered in her admirer's ear and frankly he was glad of that.
Although he did wonder just where that faint high-pitched buzzing sound was coming from.
"Well then, shall we go inside?"
Tsuruko acquired his right arm while Mana took possession of his left. He inhaled sharply as the sweet sensation
of the two of them pressing against him from both sides made him stiffen in more ways then one.
Genma seemed equally affected by Nodoka clutching his arm as she smiled and led him into the building.
Whatever misgivings Ranma might have had about getting their reservations honored disappeared within seconds
of entering. It was completely unfair, after all the trouble that the two men had gone through the women
simply walked in and the staff was bending over backwards to be as gracious as possible. Even the uniformed
security that seemed to be crawling all over the place had their best manners towards his wives,
Ranma noted a touch sourly.
He wanted a drink. Then he wanted to hit someone, preferably one of the guys leering at his significant others.
But with three watchful pairs of eyes on him, he had to settle for a club soda.
This was going to be the longest dinner of his life. And not in a good way.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
Upstairs, a party for two was taking place.
"Respect ma nucular authorata!"
The man was big, loud and well on his way to a level of intoxication respectable even by Japan's standards.
"Oh Mr. President, you're so clever! Giggle Giggle."
This particular Secretary of State had not been appointed to that position for her intelligence.
"That's a right! You're my wife and daddy's coming home for Christmas!"
She actually wasn't married. He was, but this was merely a minor point to be ignored.
"Send in the Geishas!"
A pretty young woman dressed in a blazing red cheongsam started to wheel the next course in.
"Ooooeee! That's a looker!"
Xia Yu Lan's expression didn't change in the slightest at the spectacle in front of her.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
Nabiki leaned heavily against a brick wall as she gasped for breath. In hindsight, she really should have
shelled money out for a taxi instead of legging it the whole way with Akane. Once the younger Tendo daughter
had a full head of steam she just kept on going, but the middle daughter had never been one for endurance
when it came to physical extertion.
"Just let me catch my breath, sis," she gasped hoarsely.
"Well fancy meeting you two here, Ms. Tendo."
Nabiki cursed inside her head before pasting a smile on her face and looking down towards the little old woman
perched on a gnarled walking staff.
"It's nice to see you here too, Cologne. And is that Shampoo over there?"
She pretended not to see the rather rude gesture that the Amazon girl made in her direction.
Always pick your time and place and this was neither of them.
"What do you two think you're up to," Akane spat out.
Not for the first time, Nabiki wished that her little sister had a trigger-lock for that mouth of hers.
Without Ranma to back her up, Akane (and by extension Nabiki herself) would be in deep shit if the barbarians
decided to be barbaric.
"The same thing that the pair of you seem be intent on, if I'm not mistaken, Akane Tendo."
"Violent Girl trying to get Ranma away from Crazy Crazy Women."
"This has nothing to do with that jerk!"
"Ah?"
"That Mana girl kicked her ass. She's looking for payback."
"For the last time, I didn't lose to her!!"
The ancient amazon nodded sagely.
"Of course. But since we seem to have similar goals at the moment, shall we cooperate for now?"
Both Akane and Shampoo made unhappy faces at that.
But better the devil you know-
*shunk* *shunk* *shunk* *shunk*
Four slender throwing knives with red ribbon tassels attached to their handles buried themselves
in the street between the two parties.
"I'm afraid I can't allow that."
Shampoo scowled angrily at the figure standing dramatically on the roof directly between them
and the direction they needed to go.
"Stupid Mousse! You no interfere with Amazon Business!!"
She took an angry step forward.
*THUD*
The purple haired amazon stared in disbelief at the heavy spiked iron ball that had hit
the ground right in front of her outstretched foot.
"I'm sorry my love, but this is for your own good."
Warning bells started to sound in Nabiki's head. She had never seen that particular expression
on the Chinese boy's face before and she sincerely hoped it would never be directed her way
ever again in the future.
"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!"
-End of Chapter 8
by Shade
Disclaimer: Takahashi, Akamatsu, Tite Kubo and others own the characters used.
Warning: Strong Language, Suggestive Themes and a Sick Sense of Humor.
"Both marriage and death ought to be welcome: The one promises happiness,
doubtless the other assures it."
-Mark Twain
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
Chapter 8: Great Big Hairy Balls of Fire
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
"Ranma Saotome!!"
The pigtailed boy warily eyed the white robed young man who had shouted his name.
"What do you want, Mousse?"
While Mousse was generally an alright guy to be around as long as Shampoo wasn't involved,
Saotome wasn't sure why the Chinese boy had come looking for him. All Ranma knew was that
if the long haired young man damaged the rented tuxedo he was currently wearing, he would
have to do unspeakably horrible things to him.
"I heard it all from Shampoo, Saotome."
Oh hell. Not now, the last thing he wanted to do was fight right before an engagement with
his spouses. Because then he might be late and then the fat would really be in the fryer.
As the white robed martial artist rushed at him, Ranma found that the stiffness of the
expensive cloth was hampering his own attempts to dodge or counter.
'Shit!'
"Congratulations!!"
Ranma's jaw dropped as Mousse hugged him tightly and began slapping him
on the back with an open palm.
"Wha-?"
"May your marriages be long and fruitful!"
An arrow of horror stabbed Ranma in the back.
"Together with those you love for the rest of your life!"
Another arrow lodged in the twitching boy's back.
"For every moment of every day, never apart even in Death!"
The heat seeking missile obliterated his body into dust.
Mousse blinked and pushed his glasses down over his eyes.
'Amazing. He's so happy, he's speechless.'
For what it was worth, Mousse's bad eyesight wasn't entirely to blame for this misconception.
The corners of the pigtailed boy's mouth were curled upwards after all.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
He was in DESPAIR!
Not your normal 'oh my life sucks' despair, but 'The world is a dark and lonely place conspiring
to stick large pointy objects up where the sun don't shine' DESPAIR.
"DAMN YOU, SAOTOME!!"
A dramatic roll of thunder sounded behind him.
Ryoga Hibiki shook an angry fist at the unsympathetic clear sky above.
He couldn't believe, that perverted coward was cheating on his beloved
sweet Akane with MORE WOMEN!! And they had BREASTS!! And they were beautiful!
And they had BIG BREASTS!! And for some bizzare reason they seemed to be
completely infatuated with the half-man! NOT TO MENTION THEY HAD REALLY BIG BREASTS!!
"Just you wait, you Don Juan!! I will have my REVENGE!!"
*CRACKLE* *BOOM*
"I will show dear Akane just how VILE-" *BOOM* "-your-" *CRACKLE* "-true nature is!"
"I will smash your-" *CRACKLE* "-ed in-" *CRACKLE* "-en take-" *BOOM*BOOM* "-yself!"
*BOOM* *CRACKLE* *BOOM*
"Will you CUT THAT OUT!!!"
Fuura Kafuka blinked innocently at the strange boy from behind the sheet of metal
and the large hammer that she was using to create the sound effects.
She was a girl with an eternally positive outlook.
He was the eternally lost boy of negativity.
"It is a deep friendship between men!"
"WHAT?!"
It was a meeting that should have never occurred.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
Two young men sipped their coffee as they sat outside of the cafe.
"But if she's so beautiful, how bad could it be?"
"Two words. Penis shibari."
There was a long drawn out silence.
"Oh."
"Yeah. You're starting to finally get the picture."
Mousse was beginning to regret his curiosity. He now had mental negatives in his head
he would have gladly paid to have erased if he could. It made Shampoo look as tame
as a fluffy bunny.
"And she won't lift a finger to help you, even if you're in a fight for your life?"
"Yep."
"What does she call that?"
"Foreplay."
Mousse stared out at the street, not blinking. After a minute, he seemed to snap
out of whatever private horror he'd been seeing in his mind's eye and turned back to Ranma.
"Okay Saotome, I'll support you all the way under one condition."
"Shoot."
"Keep them the hell AWAY from the Amazon village!"
"No problem. I don't want them giving out pointers any more then you do."
"But that won't be enough to stop the Old Ghoul. I can slow her down a bit, but..."
"Leave that to me."
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
How had she gotten here again?
It was difficult to remember, between the low buzzing and the unusual
but not unpleasant sensations coming from below.
But she was fairly certain it had involved a cat.
Sakaki had never been able to resist cats.
Even though they bit and scratched her, she wanted nothing more then to be with the little creatures.
Of course, that particular black cat had been something special.
It had let her stroke its soft fur without chomping down on her other hand first.
She had been so moved by the animal's kindness that she'd wanted to cry.
And then it had asked her a question.
"Would you like some delicious candy?"
The only other cat that had ever spoken to her before had been Chiyo's father.
But for some reason it seemed to make perfect sense. Of course the first cat that
would let her pet it could talk, just as Chiyo's dad was Santa Claus.
It was just that she couldn't recall exactly how that had led from there to here.
"Oh, you're awake!"
The pretty face of a cheerful looking girl with long orange blond hair looked down at her.
"The Mistress will be pleased that you've recovered so quickly."
Now that Sakaki could focus a little more clearly on the other girl, she noticed
to her mild shock that she was probably even more developed then Sakaki herself was,
which was made even more noticable by the lack of covering in the design of her clothing.
"I'm Orihime Inoue! What's your name?"
The sheer white material of the quarter cut brassiere was being put
to the test as Inoue bent low to offer her hand to the now half-sitting girl.
"Sakaki."
She took Orihime's offered hand and shook it automatically. It seemed like the thing to do.
Then she looked down and asked the most pressing question she had at the moment.
"Why is there a pink wire running out of my panties?"
Orihime's smile grew bigger.
"Special training!"
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
Ranma shivered as a cold chill ran down his spine. It felt as if someone had walked on his grave,
turned around and then started to line dance on it with steel toed boots. He was not a religious person.
But he was praying that nothing went wrong at this dinner, perhaps the most important one of his life.
The young man nervously checked himself again in front of the Heart of Jade for the seventh time.
The suit was clean and neat,he had the carefully selected flowers for each wife in one arm, his wallet
actually had cash in it and he was fairly certain he remembered enough table manners to not give them
any excuse to punish him.
And then afterwards...
The martial artist's face suddenly went as white as a ghost.
He'd forgotten to get the Fucking Condoms!!
Ranma grabbed Genma by the arm.
"Pops! Do you have any-"
"Excuse me...gentlemen. You appear to be lost," said a tall heavily built man in a dark suit that bore
the golden logo of the Heart of Jade on the breast pocket. While his words were polite, the tone behind
them was similiar to the one used by most people when finding fresh doggy surprises on their footwear.
Both Saotomes turned and professionally eyed the dark haired upper class equivalent of a nightclub bouncer.
They coldly sized him up in seconds as a martial arts wannabe, all power, no finesse. A single shared
glance between father and son was all it took to communicate their unspoken agreement that in any
other circumstances would have resulted in a brief moment of family bonding as they kicked the shit
out of the asshole disrepecting them. But seeing as they wanted to eat here without the usual troubles
and excitement that normally accompanied their dining out, they decided to try simple negotiations instead.
"We've got reservations."
The man smiled without any warmth as he eyed their clothes in such a way as to give the impression
that he had priced them down to the last thread and found them well below the usual net worth allowed
inside of the fine dining establishment.
"I'm sure there are several restaurants further down the street where you would
be much more comfortable in an atmosphere better suited to your tastes."
Ranma pinched the bridge of his nose as he felt the beginnings of headache start to form.
Without a word he handed the flowers he had been holding to his father who took them with
a small nod of understanding and stepped back to watch.
"Look, all we want is to enjoy a nice peaceful family dinner here."
"I assure you that our establishment caters only to the highest class of diner-"
The man's words died away as Ranma pulled out a thick roll of yen notes.
The young martial artist counted out a few bills and then put the rest of it back in his pants.
Then he suddenly grabbed the taller man by the front of his chest with his free hand
and slammed him hard enough against the side of the building to knock the breath out
of the startled bouncer.
"I've been having a VERY bad day. It probably isn't going to get any better later on.
So here's the deal. Shut up, take the money and leave us alone."
"Are you threatening me," croaked the man as he clawed futilely at the arm that held him,
but he might as well have been trying to move a mountain.
The pigtailed young man sighed.
"No, I'm telling you. Now if you give us any more trouble I will stick these bills so far
up your ass that they'll be able to say hello to your breakfast and then shove your head
in after to go fish them out. That's a threat. See the difference?"
There was something horrifyingly mesmerizing about the quiet polite smile on that face.
The bouncer shut up and took the money.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
Akane Tendo awoke to the sensation of her head having cracked open and spilled all of the contents out.
Or at least that was what this horrible numb feeling from her forehead to the base of her neck felt like.
For a few blissful moments she didn't know where she was or what had happened.
Then treacherous memories began to seep into black fog that currently passed for self awareness.
The Match!
Akane tried to jerk herself into a sitting position. And immediately regretted it.
"Uuggh! Hlorp!"
Nausea hit her like a ten ton anvil dropped on her stomach. She had to fight the bitter taste of bile
in her throat that threatened to empty everything she'd ever eaten in the last week on top of herself.
"Finally awake huh, sis?"
"N-nabiki?"
"Were you expecting someone else?"
There was a hint of a chill in the middle Tendo's voice.
"I have to get back to the Match! It's not over yet!"
Akane tried once again to get to her feet.
"Glorp! Huerrgh!"
Predictably this achieved nothing more then to make her head spin
as her gut spasmed like an out of control washing machine.
"The match ended hours ago, Akane. You lost. Badly."
The words dropped off Nabiki's lips like an executioner's axe on the downstroke.
"No!"
It was impossible, inconceivable! She was Akane Tendo, she couldn't lose to a stupid foreigner!
"She cheated!! That bimbo cheated!!"
Nabiki resisted the urge to roll her eyes. If only she didn't need her younger sister
to exact her own revenge on Ranma and his harlots, she would have happily taken her
own pound of flesh from Akane for losing so pitifully to that gaijin bitch.
That bastard Saotome wouldn't get away with this. She was going to get her money back
from him with interest and then she was going to make the "pigtailed girl" give the
boys at school lapdances at twenty thousand yen a pop!
Nabiki Tendo wasn't mad. She was fucking furious.
"Don't worry, Akane. We'll get ours back soon enough. After all, we know where they're going to dinner."
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
In retrospect, he really should have seen it coming.
But in Ranma Saotome's defense, even if he'd known ahead of time it probably wouldn't have made a difference anyway.
They'd somehow acquired the services of a stretch-limo. The kind that movie stars stepped out of.
And when the women had stepped out of it, every male gaze within eyesight focused on them like
iron filings towards an electromagnet.
Words could have been used to describe them. Stunning, amazing, heartstoppingly sexy and dressed to kill.
But these were inadequate descriptors that could not do full justice to the actual presence of them all.
Even Soi-fon, if ever there was a homicidal tomboy, looked stunning without having actually knocked out
everyone present first. It took him a full minute to realize that the other foxy lady with them was his mother.
She didn't look like a mother now. She looked, she looked like...well she shouldn't make him feel anything like
*that* towards her!!
"I think tonight we're going to make you a sibling, my boy."
That finally snapped the pigtailed martial artist out of the dreamy spell he'd been in.
"Too much information!"
The Quintet ignored the papparazzi snapping pictures and the various men who tried to intercept them with offers
of jewels, trips to France and proposals of marriage. They homed in straight towards Ranma and Genma instead and
every other man on the street turned into red hot daggers of hate that glared at the two males who obviously
did not deserve to spend even a moment in the company of such goddesses made flesh.
The young man swallowed nervously as he offered the flower bouquets to each of them in turn.
Yoruichi's strapless bare back dress shimmered like a thousand gems of crimson flame as she took the colorful array
of sweet smelling orchids. The young woman closed her eyes and sniffed gently, smiling as she took in the subtle
arrangement of the tropical perfume. Her long hair had been coiffed up into a more elegant arrangement of her normal ponytail.
It seemed to have been designed specifically to be completely ruined during a heated bout of passion.
Her face bore only the faintest traces of makeup around the eyes and a thin line of dark rose on her lips.
She hadn't bothered with stockings or pantyhose, instead letting the natural perfection of her long dark legs
reveal themselves past the short hem of her dress.
Tsuruko's cream cheongsam was cut high at the thigh, accenting a figure that already threatened to cause terminal bleeding
from the nasal veins of many of the onlookers, male and female alike. The silky fabric revealed nothing and teased hints
of everything. If Yoruichi was an elaborate jewel then she was simplicity itself. Her rich black hair had been left
in her normal natural state that was in itself as captivating as any arranged style. Even the fine white lace stockings
she wore were deceptively simple, somehow projecting both innocence and experience at the same time. Her quiet words
of thanks made Ranma shiver as he smelled the rich intoxicating female scent that sent the mind wandering in the direction
of soft beds and warm embraces.
And then there was Mana. He had gotten a brief taste of what the years had done for the once scrawny little girl
at school and the dojo. It still hadn't prepared him for the full impact to the senses that was a Tatsumiya
dressed to impress. It might be cliche, but her one shoulder black satin dress did indeed fit her like a sheath.
The neckline had been cut so low that Ranma felt an almost irrational urge to shield her from the greedy eyes
of the people on the street. Her gold eyes seemed to almost be daring him to say something about her choice of
attire. It even showed in the way she moved, as if those high heels she wore were weapons of war. Of course
since this was Mana, they probably were.
Soi-fon was almost an afterthought, her deep sea blue silk dress simply eclipsed by the other women.
To Ranma's amazement someone who had probably been Yoruichi had gone all out on the fidgeting
girl. Her short hair had been styled and her braids coiled chinese style into two seperate buns on her head.
While the makeup had taken what was already there and enhanced the best points of her fine features.
She even had a pair of pearl earrings on, which would make this the first time Saotome had ever seen the tomboy
wear any kind of jewelry. Soi-fon wouldn't meet his eyes directly and to his almost horrified amazement there
was a pink flush in her cheeks that had nothing to do with his battle with her earlier that day.
The pigtailed martial artist tried to think of something to say. His mouth opened and shut several times but nothing came out.
Finally he settled on, "Uh...You all look great. Even you, Soi-fon."
When this did not get the angry rise out of her that he'd been expecting Ranma
began to worry that he was losing his touch. The normally aggressive Shinigami
was avoiding direct eye contact with him and looked for all the world like a
nervous girl on her first date.
"Th-thank you."
The pigtailed martial artist recoiled as if he'd been struck, his hands coming up involuntarily
in gestures to ward off whatever evil was making Soi-fon behave in such an abnormal manner.
"Isn't that nice," Yoruichi said as she casually caressed the smaller girl's derriere.
Soi-fon let out a soft squeak and seemed to freeze in place.
Ranma didn't catch the rest of what his first wife whispered in her admirer's ear and frankly he was glad of that.
Although he did wonder just where that faint high-pitched buzzing sound was coming from.
"Well then, shall we go inside?"
Tsuruko acquired his right arm while Mana took possession of his left. He inhaled sharply as the sweet sensation
of the two of them pressing against him from both sides made him stiffen in more ways then one.
Genma seemed equally affected by Nodoka clutching his arm as she smiled and led him into the building.
Whatever misgivings Ranma might have had about getting their reservations honored disappeared within seconds
of entering. It was completely unfair, after all the trouble that the two men had gone through the women
simply walked in and the staff was bending over backwards to be as gracious as possible. Even the uniformed
security that seemed to be crawling all over the place had their best manners towards his wives,
Ranma noted a touch sourly.
He wanted a drink. Then he wanted to hit someone, preferably one of the guys leering at his significant others.
But with three watchful pairs of eyes on him, he had to settle for a club soda.
This was going to be the longest dinner of his life. And not in a good way.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
Upstairs, a party for two was taking place.
"Respect ma nucular authorata!"
The man was big, loud and well on his way to a level of intoxication respectable even by Japan's standards.
"Oh Mr. President, you're so clever! Giggle Giggle."
This particular Secretary of State had not been appointed to that position for her intelligence.
"That's a right! You're my wife and daddy's coming home for Christmas!"
She actually wasn't married. He was, but this was merely a minor point to be ignored.
"Send in the Geishas!"
A pretty young woman dressed in a blazing red cheongsam started to wheel the next course in.
"Ooooeee! That's a looker!"
Xia Yu Lan's expression didn't change in the slightest at the spectacle in front of her.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
Nabiki leaned heavily against a brick wall as she gasped for breath. In hindsight, she really should have
shelled money out for a taxi instead of legging it the whole way with Akane. Once the younger Tendo daughter
had a full head of steam she just kept on going, but the middle daughter had never been one for endurance
when it came to physical extertion.
"Just let me catch my breath, sis," she gasped hoarsely.
"Well fancy meeting you two here, Ms. Tendo."
Nabiki cursed inside her head before pasting a smile on her face and looking down towards the little old woman
perched on a gnarled walking staff.
"It's nice to see you here too, Cologne. And is that Shampoo over there?"
She pretended not to see the rather rude gesture that the Amazon girl made in her direction.
Always pick your time and place and this was neither of them.
"What do you two think you're up to," Akane spat out.
Not for the first time, Nabiki wished that her little sister had a trigger-lock for that mouth of hers.
Without Ranma to back her up, Akane (and by extension Nabiki herself) would be in deep shit if the barbarians
decided to be barbaric.
"The same thing that the pair of you seem be intent on, if I'm not mistaken, Akane Tendo."
"Violent Girl trying to get Ranma away from Crazy Crazy Women."
"This has nothing to do with that jerk!"
"Ah?"
"That Mana girl kicked her ass. She's looking for payback."
"For the last time, I didn't lose to her!!"
The ancient amazon nodded sagely.
"Of course. But since we seem to have similar goals at the moment, shall we cooperate for now?"
Both Akane and Shampoo made unhappy faces at that.
But better the devil you know-
*shunk* *shunk* *shunk* *shunk*
Four slender throwing knives with red ribbon tassels attached to their handles buried themselves
in the street between the two parties.
"I'm afraid I can't allow that."
Shampoo scowled angrily at the figure standing dramatically on the roof directly between them
and the direction they needed to go.
"Stupid Mousse! You no interfere with Amazon Business!!"
She took an angry step forward.
*THUD*
The purple haired amazon stared in disbelief at the heavy spiked iron ball that had hit
the ground right in front of her outstretched foot.
"I'm sorry my love, but this is for your own good."
Warning bells started to sound in Nabiki's head. She had never seen that particular expression
on the Chinese boy's face before and she sincerely hoped it would never be directed her way
ever again in the future.
"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!"
-End of Chapter 8