Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction / Slayers Fan Fiction ❯ Slayers NIBUNNOICHI ❯ Part the Fourth: Off to see the Wizard ( Chapter 4 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

Slayers NIBUNNOICHI

Part the Fourth:

OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD

Jusenkyou leaned back in His chair and sipped His pina colata. "No matter how much fun it is to play with mortals from afar, sometimes it's nice to come down in person and relax."

The Sea of Chaos guzzled another Sex on the Beach. "Got a good point there. I like to drop in Myself from time to time, though My mortals have this silly belief thing that if I were ever to come to the world directly, I would destroy it!" She chuckled. "As if I would destroy one of My creations."

Jusenkyou nodded in agreement. "That's exactly why I never like to reveal Myself directly. With all the groveling and averting of eyes and the 'We're not worthies...'" He started grumbling too low for the Sea of Chaos to hear, which was just fine by Her.

The Sea of Chaos shrugged. "Oh, I don't mind that too much. It's kinda nice sometimes, You know, when One is feeling depressed."

Jusenkyou held up His empty glass, attracting the attention of an attractive barmaid. He changed the subject by asking, "Got any idea what happens next?"

The Sea of Chaos smiled wryly. "Of course. The real question is, what happens after that?"

****

Akane awoke slowly. Her thought process was slow and groggy, weirdly so. What happened... She tried to wipe one hand across her forehead, and came awake more fully when she the length of chain around her wrist pulled taut.

Akane opened her eyes and looked around. She was in a well-appointed bedroom, lying on a bed that had been placed in one of the corners. The only thing that struck a jarring note were the half inch-thick chains attached to her limbs that led to each of the bed's four posters. Absently, she noted that she was still wearing the clothes she'd had on in the backyard.

Backyard. I was in the backyard, studying with Ranma. How... how did I get here?

Gosunkugi came sliding into her view. "Good, you're awake."

Akane went straight for the throat, forgetting that she was chained down. The brutal jerk she gave herself quickly reminded her of her position. "I'LL KILL YOU!"

Gosunkugi just smiled. "Oh, I rather doubt that." He began chanting softly, just barely at the edge of Akane's hearing. He stopped, and-

All Akane could say was, "Gosunkugi-sama..."

****

The park was quiet, as it usually was just after the dawn. Nabiki Tendo only liked to see this hour of morning through the other end; somehow, even after staying awake all through the night worried unto death, the peace seeped into her soul and soothed her mind. The dew had settled lightly on the leaves and grass, and a cool breeze drifted across her skin and stirred her short hair.

It wasn't as if this sort of thing hadn't happened before, after all. One of the constants of Akane's life since becoming engaged to Ranma was being abducted every now and again. Somehow, she just couldn't shake the feeling that this time was different.

For one thing, they had nothing to go on. Nothing. Gosunkugi wasn't at his house, wasn't at the school, didn't even seem to be in town at all, and (from the information Nabiki had pieced together) had spent most of his last day transforming real estate agents into various animals. Why?

"Is your name Nabiki Tendo?"

At the voice that inserted itself neatly into her ruminations, Nabiki turned her head to look at the speaker. He was of medium height and build, wearing odd robes and carrying an unusual staff. With his purple hair cut in a bowl, no doubt he wanted to give people the impression of being a priest. There was something about his smile that told Nabiki that wasn't quite the truth, that in fact he rarely had even the loosest acquaintance with the truth.

Instinctively, Nabiki liked him on the spot. She decided, right then and there, that they'd be either best of friends or worst of enemies. "Yes, I am."

He spread his hands wide, the rings on his staff jingling against each other, and exclaimed, "Ah! Just the woman I was looking for. I have information of the whereabouts of your sister."

Despite years of experience, it took all the effort Nabiki could muster to hold onto her cold, businesslike expression. Just when she felt that it would crack, she reminded herself that strangers don't walk up to strangers and offer information out of the goodness of her heart. The mask refroze. "You have me at a disadvantage."

Without missing a beat, the man said, "I am called Xelloss, the mysterious priest."

"Why should I trust you?"

To Nabiki's disconcertment, Xelloss chuckled. "You have no reason to trust me, of course. But without my aid, it could take you years to find the evil magician. And I assure you, Charm is a fairly common spell."

At Nabiki's blank look, he added, "A spell that makes the victim fall in love with the caster. From what I've seen of this sorcerer, he would not hesitate to use it."

The business mask cracked, the calm half-smile sliding right from Nabiki's face. In these situations (which, as Nabiki had thought before, were not uncommon) they could always count on Akane to remain loyal to Ranma and, somehow, convert her abductor into a friend. With one of those constants gone...

"Where is he?"

Xelloss lowered his hands. "Now we're getting somewhere, pun not intended. I'm afraid that it would be too difficult to give you directions and leave it at that, so I'm prepared to guide the warriors of your choice to his Evil Wizard's Keep."

Nabiki forcibly restored her mask and relaxed herself. She asked casually, "Now for the thousand koku question. Why are you helping me?"

Xelloss' smile widened even further. "Ah. Now that... is a secret."

****

Ryouga had climbed up to the crow's nest to stand a watch, telling everyone that he did it out of boredom because he didn't want them to know that he was hiding as best he could from a cute li'l fifteen year old girl.

All day long, Amelia had been after him. If she wasn't badgering him to try out her latest batch of cookies (she'd found some cookie cutters that should have been rated R), or to read a book with her (the ship's library had a copy of Whatte Every Couple Shouldde Knoe), she was brushing up against him accidentally on purpose... and then there'd been last night...

He knocked himself on the side of the head to distract himself before he lost another pint of blood from the merest memory of last night's event. The only fleeting thought he allowed himself was, She's built better than Ranma...

Hence, he had sought refuge on top of the mast. The Captain had stated there could only be one person up there at a time, an order that Amelia had pouted at but obeyed reluctantly.

He was expected to keep an eye out for other ships, but he considered that responsibility a small price to pay for peace and quiet. Besides, what ship would ever come into these waters?

As though to deliberately defy his thought, a sail came into view. Something about it made Ryouga nervous. Maybe it was the sails, an ominous black with a skull emblazoned across it. Possibly the fact that the hull had been painted a stark, pitiless blood-red that seemed to glisten freshly in the afternoon sunlight.

But the most likely cause of Ryouga's nervousness was the fact that he could see the crimson ship's figurehead. The second most unusual thing about the figurehead was its size: The thing was so huge it took up most of the crimson ship's front end, stretching from top to bottom.

The most unusual thing was its form: A man tied spread-eagled across the ship's front end, victim of the merciless pounding of the waves as the ship moved through the waters. What's the word for that, anyway? Being keeldragged? Keelhauled? Keelcarried? Keelmoved? Naaaahh.

Ryouga pointed at it. "Ship off the starboard side thingy!"

The Captain looked in the direction that he was pointing, then cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted back, "That's larboard side, you fool!"

Ryouga looked at his hand, which had betrayed him by pointing in the exact wrong way. He shifted his hand. "Fine! Ship off the other side!"

The Captain nodded. "That's better."

Lina, who'd been standing nearby, asked, "What ship is that?"

The Captain looked at the oncoming sail, and his face turned grey. "It couldn't be.... Not the Hackbeth! That ship is owner/operated by some of the most bloodthirsty pirates on the seas. We can't outrun it, and as for outfighting it..." He shuddered and added, a moment later, "We're doomed."

He turned to his passenger, expecting to see terror, and was shocked to see her grinning and rubbing her hands together.

Still grinning, Lina said, "Pirates are basically bandits, riiiiight?" Mutely, the captain nodded.

The sorceress's grin grew wider as she shouted, "Finally! Something to do on this voyage!"

****

Shampoo slumped down into the bath, the warmth seeping into her body and relaxing muscles tightened by a day of Martial Arts Waitressing. If she hadn't spent a lifetime being toughened by some of the most rigorous training extant, she didn't know how she'd survive. The girl sighed in a state approaching ecstasy as she spread her toes wide and stretched her feet, so glad to be free of the torture devices that even the best pair of shoes became after a day of serving customers.

She looked up angrily, her sublime state disturbed, as she heard someone slide open the door with nary even a warning knock. I KNOW that I left a sign on the door saying that I was in here. If Mousse forgot his glasses AGAIN... Quickly grabbing a nearby bucket, she prepared to crack open Mousse's skull then toss the corpse out the window without any further ceremony.

However, the person that walked into the room was the new girl that Great-Grandmother had hired, Luna. She raised one hand in a lazy wave of greeting. "Yo."

Shampoo was cautious about welcoming Luna wholeheartedly (seeing as how any new girl in town ended up pursuing her Ranma, by some twist of fate or other), but since her Great-Grandmother had seen fit to hire her... "Hello. Is good to see you tonight. You know how Japan person's bath work?"

Luna shrugged. "Yeah." She paused for a moment as she rinsed herself, then added, "S'nice place y'got here." Shampoo thought with an amused smile that it must've been a great effort for the laconic woman to string so many words together at once.

Not giving a hint of the slightly snide thought she'd had, Shampoo responded enthusiastically, "Yes, is very nice! Though not as nice as home, never expected it to be."

Luna hopped into the actual bath, sinking in up to her neck. She let the silence sit comfortably for a moment, then asked, "Where y'from?"

Shampoo shrugged. "Not sure, now. Since the day all went strange, not know if home where it should be or somewhere else."

"Harsh."

"It certainly is." Both of the girls in the bath turned to Cologne, surprised, as the old woman spoke, though Shampoo wondered why she even bothered being surprised any more. After all, her great-grandmother had been doing this kind of thing to her for years. Cologne smiled. "In fact, our home is one of the reasons I came to talk to you."

"Great-Grandmother?" Shampoo was puzzled.

"I'm leaving the restaurant in your capable hands and going to see what has become of our home. Stay out of the spices." Cologne hopped into the bath. "Ahhh. Perfect for old bones. I'll be leaving in an hour, so do you have any questions?"

"Yes. Can I fire Mousse?" Shampoo held up one hand. "Is mostly joke. But what I do about Airen?"

Cologne made a small gesture of indifference. "Help him if he asks you and continue what attempts you can to win him over. I warn you now, you will have little free time." She gave a little half-smile. "It isn't as though this place runs itself, after all!"

Remembering her thoughts from just before Luna had entered the bath, Shampoo half-laughed, half-groaned, and splashed her great-grandmother playfully.

****

Happosai sat in his room, meditating on the deepest secret of the universe. The secret was a question without an answer, a koan without a snappy comeback; even the masters knew that to seek it was to seek frustration alongside enlightenment, but...

After living for so long and doing so much, even the most self-centered man (which Happosai wasn't ashamed to admit, as far as self-centeredness went, he ranked quite high) started to feel as though there should be something more than what he could see and touch and hear. Some wise men sought the secret in solitude, living on the tops of mountains, in caves, and locked in rooms, hoping to find the secret in themselves. Others sought it in debauchery, living life to the fullest, hoping to find the secret in others. Others wandered the world, never resting, hoping to find someone who knew the secret already that would be willing to share his wisdom.

Today, Happosai looked for the secret in the fourth volume of Marmalade Boy, hoping to find it in shojo manga.

When he felt appropriately centered (and certain that the doings of Miki weren't going to reveal anything for now), the ancient martial artist closed the manga and shouted, "Soun! Genma!"

In 73 seconds, both his disciples were groveling before him. Soun had a mouthful of toothpaste, and Genma's glasses were hanging off one ear.

"Soun. Genma."

Happosai let that pair of words hang over the two ominously for a moment, then he smiled widely. "I have decided to pick my successor as the Master of the Anything-Goes School of Martial Arts. Soun Tendo." Soun jumped to his feet, hope written all over his face. "I'm afraid you just aren't the caliber of person that is capable of assuming my position.

"Genma Saotome, you will be the Master in my absence. Of all my students, only you approach my level of depravity, conduct, perversity, and general lack of ethics." Happosai wiped a tear away from his eye. "I'm so proud of you!"

Soun's reaction was predictable. Bursting into tears (Type #11: Weeping in Abject Despair), he whined, "B-but I'm just as good as he is!"

Happosai smacked Soun with his pipe. "Stop sniveling, you fool! You only prove me more right with every word. Maybe, just maybe, if you show yourself to have what I consider to be the right stuff, I'll make you a Master upon my return."

Soun sprung to his feet and posed against the Rising Sun of Japan, the sound of waves crashing against the shore echoing in the background! "I shall show myself to be worthy of you, Master!"

Genma, however, did not say anything. In fact, he simply sat, without moving, perhaps not even breathing, deep in thought. Happosai smiled secretly...

****

There were times when Ranma's confidence in himself could be an admirable thing, the martial artist's unwavering certainty in his own ability to triumph a shining example of how those triumphs had been earned, one after the other.

Most of the time, Nabiki reflected sourly, it's just a pain in the ass.

"Ranma, I was watching out of my window," Nabiki said as patiently as she could. "If he 'just got lucky', I'll eat my favorite hat. Without salt."

The martial artist waved one hand dismissively, a gesture that Nabiki hated even when the person who did it was _right_. "Come ON. Ya know how it goes. No matter how much Gos learned while I wasn't watchin', I can one-up him. Why should he be any diff'rent from Ryouga or Mousse or anyone else?"

She closed her eyes and counted ten backwards. After that had been finished, she said, "Are you questioning my information sources?"

Without waiting for an answer, Nabiki stated flatly, "According to one of those sources, what Gosunkugi has learned puts him more on a level with Happosai or Cologne, with very little reason to go lightly on you."

For the first time, Ranma let a bit of the frustration that Nabiki had been sure he was hiding show. He snarled, "Well, whaddya want me ta do, huh? Ask some of the people around here for help?"

Nabiki restrained the urge to throw up her hands and shout, "He can be taught!"

Ordinarily, she wouldn't be so... concerned, so involved, with Ranma's rescue planning. Leave the finances to financial managers, the garbage to garbagemen, and the martial arts to martial artists, that was her motto.

The frank discussion with Xelloss this afternoon had changed that. The wandering priest had told Nabiki quite a bit of what Gosunkugi was capable of now, from the basic spells that any wizard could master to esotoric powers he only suspected the young man possessed, all the while hinting to Nabiki that she had the potential to do the same and much, much more...

When she'd asked Xelloss directly what he meant by that (even on short acquaintance suspecting that he would merely trot out his stock phrase, "That is a secret"), he'd smiled and returned her question with another: "How would you feel about working for the bad guys? About being a 'bad' guy?"

The way he'd asked it, his eyes staring at her intently, had thrown the normally cool girl a bit more than she was used to. "Depends on the profits involved," Nabiki had managed to say with what she hoped was a studied nonchalance.

Of all the things she'd expected Xelloss to do in response, the last thing was laugh in delight. "That's my girl!"

She shook her head to clear the memory away and told Ranma, "That wouldn't be a bad idea at all, I think."

"Hah!" Ranma bounced to his feet and started pacing back and forth, holding up a finger with each name he spoke. "Ryouga? He'd help rescue Akane, sure enough, but is the pig EVER around when you need 'im? Mousse? He might do it, if he had a reason, but what reason would he HAVE? Shampoo 'n' Ukyou? They'd be more willin' ta stand on the side an' cheer than stop Gos from carryin' her up the aisle. Konatsu? He's stuck ta Ukyou like glue. Kunou?" He moved to his left hand, holding up the one finger most appropriate for expressing his emotion about asking the arrogant samurai for help.

What?!? He actually thought this through already? And he makes some good points, too... when did RANMA get introspective? Weakly, Nabiki said, "I-it never hurts to ask for help-"

The martial artist cut her off with a gesture. "Unless one of 'em asks me for somethin' that I ain't willin' ta give."

Now, Nabiki did stand up. "You listen to me, Ranma. Gosunkugi is holed up in a fortress right now, a fortress that not even you could get into by yourself. You've managed to figure out all the angles on the available help, except for one: You need them to help you."

Ranma perked up suddenly, smiling. "Hey! Why don't I ask Pops and Uncle Tendo for help?"

As though his name had summoned him, Soun Tendou snuck past the open dining room doorway and into the garden. Ranma, facing away from the doorway, didn't see him, so Nabiki opened her mouth to speak-

But her words stuck in her throat.

Her father had one of the now-infamous thief-masks that Happosai insisted on wearing, as though it were actually some kind of disguise. As the older man stealthily moved out into the garden, he tied it around his head in one practiced motion, then swung an empty bag over one shoulder and leapt to the roof.

No doubt wondering what Nabiki had been staring at, Ranma turned around to see the empty garden. "Whatcha lookin' at?"

"...Nothing." Did I imagine it? Nabiki asked herself. Was my father actually GRINNING as he pulled on that mask?

What the heck is going on?

For the second time in as many minutes, the young woman shook her head to dismiss errant thoughts. "I think that asking Father and Uncle Saotome for help would be a very bad thing. They're far more likely to regard this as some sort of training and stand to one side than help you... until it gets too late." She added sardonically, "How much fighting have you actually seen one of those two do, anyway?"

Ranma grinned in amusement. "Ya actually got a good point there." The smile disappeared as quickly as it had appeared. "But... that means I do gotta ask Ukyou an' tha rest for help." He shook his head. "Maannn... I really don't wanna do that. But, if I gotta do it, best ta do it quickly." Without another word, Ranma took the same path that Soun Tendou had just moments before, leaping away in search of companions.

"That went as well as I thought it would."

Nabiki nearly dropped her tea as Xelloss suddenly stepped around the garden doorway and into the building. "What are you doing here?!" she demanded.

"Making sure that everything proceeds without a hitch."

Suddenly, Kasumi appeared out of nowhere, holding two cups of tea. "Oh my, where did Ranma get to? And... who's your new friend, Nabiki? Would he like some tea?"

The mysterious priest bowed deeply. "My name is Xelloss, and I would greatly appreciate a cup of your best tea!" Nabiki watched him look her sister up and down. She was fairly certain that she wasn't supposed to hear him mutter, "It'd be the most delicious thing that I could get out of you, for sure."

Why she didn't call him on that statement, Nabiki never quite understood. Maybe it had been the way he'd said it; disgruntled and resigned. Maybe it had been the dark, almost knowing glance that Xelloss had cast at her just after saying it.

Nabiki shivered as she realized that she almost, but not quite, knew exactly what he meant. It was creepy, but at the same time intriguing…

A shadow detached itself from the building's crawlspace and dashed for the wall. "Tatewaki-sama will be most pleased to hear the information that I have for him! Perhaps when I tell him, he'll let me eat this week!"

****

For situations such as this, Lina Inverse had a mental checklist refined over hundreds of pitched battles and raids. She ran through it quickly.

Wooden guardtow- Masts and sails in flames? Check.

The ban- Pirates scattering far and wide, some of them jumping over the side rather than deal with the elemental forces of destruction loose on the deck? Check.

Bandit chie- Pirate captain begging for his miserable life? Check.

Piles of glittering treasure.... Not check.

Lina grabbed said pirate captain's shirt front. "Where's your treasure?" she asked politely, holding a dagger to his throat. Of course, in situations such as this, there are various grades of politeness. The sorceress didn't set him on fire outright, which could count as polite.

The pirate captain stared at her blankly for a moment, then let out a short, bitter laugh. "So that's why ye attacked us so viciously. Ar, but ye picked the wrong ship for treasure. The last ship we raided was only carrying papayas and bananas. The one before that had pilgrims headed for a shrine. And the one before that..."

NOW Lina got impolite. She threw the dagger into the deck, where it quivered point-first, conjuring up a fireball in that hand. Holding it close enough to his face to singe eyebrows and sizzle hair, she asked calmly, "No treasure?" One eyebrow twitched twice.

Perhaps it was the eyebrow-twitch that made the captain shiver in utter and complete terror. He blurted out, "Go and see for yourself, if you don't believe me!"

"Already did." Zelgadis climbed out of a nearby hatch, having decided that somebody calm, cool, and collected would have to take a look. "The pirate's right. Only bananas." He held up one as proof.

"Ar, t'purple man be right."

Before Zelgadis could do something terrible to the man for referring to his unfortunate skin condition (forgetting, of course, that he was supposed to be calm, cool, and collected), all three were distracted by maniacal laughter coming from the aft.

Turning to stare gave them one of the stranger sights that Lina could recall of in nearly two days. Amelia was perched on the poop deck's railing, tossing Burst Rondos at the feet of a few unfortunate pirates she'd trapped there. "Dance, evildoer, dance! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Lina just stared for a moment, almost losing her hold on the pirate captain's shirt. "Oookay..."

Gourry suddenly appeared next to the stunned sorceress, almost springing out of the deck, thoughtfully rubbing his chin. "Y'know, she's acting more and more like you every day, Lina."

This time, Lina did drop the pirate, in order to drop Gourry with a well-placed fist. "How DARE you insinuate any such thing about my beha- oh."

Lina Inverse (contrary to popular perception) did not always live from moment to moment without a thought for the past or the future. Almost always, admittedly, but sometimes a stray thought popped up in her mind like a detour sign when you're doing ninety down an empty freeway at two in the morning.

This time, it was How long will I be treating Gourry like this? that popped in front of her wildly careening car of thought. She tried to shake it out, but it clung like... like... like something really clingy and annoying.

Lina sighed. Once her conscience started bitching, it was usually best to just shut up and obey. "I'm sorry, Gourry. I guess I took your comment a little personally."

Gourry stood up, rubbing his chin. "Aw, that's okay, Lina. I'll try not to be so personal next time."

The pirate captain wiped his eyes with a dirty neckerchief. "Arrr...."

Zelgadis would have been touched by this rare moment of understanding between two people fated for each other, but he was too busy trying to pick his jaw up from the deck where it had fallen.

The moment was interrupted when an explosion echoed from the poopdeck. All three heard Amelia say, quite loudly, "Oops." Then she called out, "Uhh, Lina, I think I overdid it a bit..."

Lina just rolled her eyes.

****

Happosai met Cologne at the edge of town. It was eerily reminiscent of the night they'd met- sunset had just finished painting the sky a glorious mixture of pink and gold, and had faded into a royal purple with a few stars already peeping out diffidently. The moon hung, fat and full already, confidently defying the last few rays of sunlight.

Of course, no amount of poetic background could ever make them think they were twenty again, but still.... They both had the feeling that this was a new beginning.

"Well, Cologne?"

"Yes, Happi?"

Happosai offered his arm. "Shall we go?"

Cologne took it with a smile. "Yes, let's."

****

Ranma paused just as he was about to enter the Cat Cafe, giving careful consideration to the idea of not even asking Shampoo to help.

To his great surprise, Ukyou had just smiled and nodded when he'd approached her about rescuing Akane. He wasn't quite sure he understood why she'd been so willing, but for now he was willing to give his best friend the benefit of the doubt. Konatsu had appeared from out of nowhere and insisted on coming along, which was just fine and dandy with Ranma. The more the merrier, right?

He tried to convince himself that these two would be enough, along with himself and the mysterious guide Nabiki had referred to several times, but the memory of how casually Gosunkugi had just flung him around kept springing back up.

Ranma took a deep breath to calm himself and slid open the door. Standing right behind it, a broom in hand, was a redhead that looked oddly familiar, though Ranma had trouble placing from where. She said, "C'n I help ya?"

Ranma blinked. He said, after a moment, "Yeah. Could I talk ta Shampoo?"

The woman shrugged and shouted over her shoulder, "Boss!"

Ranma heard Shampoo shout back, "Coming!" The second thoughts to second thoughts had already surged forward, and now he knew that walking in here had been a bad idea. He dreaded the inevitable shout of "Airen!" and the spine-breaking glomp that she always gave him.

Shampoo came walking out of the back with a clipboard in her left hand, tapping a stub of pencil against it. She was wearing an loose, frayed dress, and her hair looked as though she'd spent all night working. "Luna, we is running low on ramen and yakisoba noodles. I want you to go to store tomorrow and pick some up. Think Great-Grandmother let happen on purpose to test me." She looked up from her clipboard and gasped when she saw Ranma. She tucked her pencil into her clipboard and tried patting her hair into place. "Airen! What you doing here?"

Ranma decided to be blunt. "Akane's been kidnapped again, an' I'm gettin' some people together to rescue her. Can ya come?"

Shampoo shook her head. "Sorry, but-"

The strange woman interrupted. "Boss, rem'ber what th' old lady said b'fore she left?"

Ranma looked at her and thought sharply, The old lady? Does she mean the ghoul?

"About help- ah." The female martial artist frowned and waved her clipboard with a resigned air. "Shampoo guess can close the store for while. Need remodeled anyway. You can handle, right Luna?"

Luna made an expansive gesture with her left hand. "No prob."

Ranma took a deep breath, then asked all in a rush, "Where's the ghoul?"

Shampoo shrugged. "She go back to village earlier today, to leave me in charge of restaurant, though. Want free ramen? Great-grandmother make me promise to leave spice alone, so no funny business."

For the first time that Ranma could ever, ever remember in the year and a half since that dark day he'd stumbled into a nondescript Chinese village looking for a meal, a smile that Shampoo directed at him was simply friendly rather than alluring or seductive.

That, more than anything she'd ever done, appealed to Ranma. The martial artist rubbed his stomach. "Hey, ya know me and food; ya don't ever gotta ask me twice."

****

"Arr, thanks be to ye for letting me scurvy dogs and Aye take passage with ye to the nearest port."

Lina was really, REALLY getting tired of listening to the pirate thank her. For one thing, every instinct in her cried out to fireball the bandit where he stood. For another, she considered one 'thank you' sufficient to cover any situation. Why the pirate had considered it necessary to apologize 47 times (if her current tally was accurate) escaped her. As for the third reason...

Lina threw a boot at the pirate. "Would you get lost?! I'm getting ready to sleep, and I don't believe in providing peep shows!"

"Fine, Aye can tell when Aye'm not wanted. Yarr..." The pirate moped his way out of Lina's cabin, much to her relief. The sorceress yanked off her other boot and was about to throw it under her bunk when she heard a knocking on the door.

She pegged the boot at the door and hit it square on. "Go away! I need my beauty rest!"

Though muffled by the solid construction of the door, Zelgadis's voice was still recognizable. "Lina, I need to talk with you."

With a glare that was wasted on the inanimate wood betwixt glarer and glaree, Lina stated grimly, "This had better be important."

"Yes, it is."

Lina sighed in resignation. "Come in."

The door creaked open and Zelgadis peeked in. "Are you decent?"

"I would've smashed you by now if I wasn't," Lina said crankily.

"Sorry."

"Oh, never mind, never mind!" Lina motioned him in. "Have a seat."

Zelgadis entered and sat down backwards in the room's only chair. Lina waited for him to speak for a moment, then said impatiently, "Well?"

Slowly, almost reluctantly, the chimera said, "I'm worried about Amelia." Zelgadis scratched his purple chin, producing an odd stone-on-stone squeak, then continued. "She's been acting more and more strangely lately. That incident on the pirate ship, for one thing. She isn't usually so... so..." He groped for a proper word, then finally settled on, "Sadistic. And Ryouga told me that a couple of nights ago, she tried to..." He trailed off into a mumble that Lina, if she hadn't known Zelgadis any better, would have sworn was embarrassed.

"Tried to what?" Lina asked.

"Never mind." Zelgadis waved one hand in negation. "It's enough to say that whatever she did, it was incredibly, shockingly out of character." He looked around nervously, but thankfully this time the Fourth Wall Gestapo didn't show up, being busy busting up an orgy in a rather etchi Sailor Moon fanfic next door.

Lina leaned back on her bunk, resting her head on the wall behind it. "I know what you mean. Lately, she's just starting to change. She's almost starting to remind me of Nag..." She cut herself off with a hand over her mouth.

"Remind you of who?"

Lina waved her hands frantically while shaking her head over and over. "Nobody, nobody! Just a random thought, hehehe," she chuckled falsely. "Anyway," changing the subject quickly, "What do you suggest we do?"

Zelgadis spread his hands. "What can we do? Watch, wait, try to find out if anything is causing this change, and hope it gets no worse."

Lina grimaced. "Awh, man, I hate waiting, but... I guess there's nothing else we can do."

Zelgadis looked down at his still-open hands, then rolled his head back to stare blankly at the ceiling. "The problem is, I don't think it's going to be enough..."

****

Xelloss sat in the dark, dank laboratory of his newest... friend, contemplating his latest vile scheme. The lab was well suited for such ruminations, filled with bubbling beakers of vile liquids, horrendous pictures depicting the tortures of the damned, and bookshelves filled with nameless tomes that even looking at the covers made you loose 1D6 SAN if you failed your saving throw.

He felt the Cabbit Breeding Pit in the corner added a nice touch.

His friend walked in, and Xelloss's ever-present smile widened a bit. "Gos-kun! How's the little woman?"

Gosunkugi wiped one hand across his forehead. "I'm telling you Xelloss, she's wearing me out. My God! It's killing me!" He sank into one of his plush armchairs with a sigh of relief. "Speaking of that, how are your plans coming along?"

Xelloss made a circle with his forefinger and thumb. "Just fine, just fine."

Gosunkugi sighed again. "It's good to hear that. You know, when you first proposed this plan to me, I was a bit reluctant, but-"

From the hallway outside the lab came the strident, beckoning call of, "Gosunkugi-sama! Where are you?" Gosunkugi sunk into himself a bit, and turned green at Akane's next words. "I made you dinner!"

Xelloss stood up hastily. "Well, must be leaving, would love to stay for dinner, but her cooking reminds me of my own!" He teleported just as the door to the lab opened.

"There you are, Gosunkugi-sama!"

"NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo...."

****

Ranma waited patiently atop the Tendo's gate, sitting crosslegged on the ancient tiling, watching for his friends to show up.

Ukyou was the first to arrive, pulling her brand-new yatai. Though Ranma couldn't see Konatsu, he was certain the male kunoichi was around her... somewhere. She raised one hand in a lazy wave. "Hey, Ranchan. Nice morning."

Ranma leapt down next to her and grinned as he said, "Just like when we were kids, wakin' each other up at three in the mornin' to train."

Ukyou chuckled at the memory herself. "Yeah, those were the days." She made as if to ready a spatula. "We could do it again, if you'd like."

Ranma shook his head but still held to his smile. "Ain't got no time this mornin', Ucchan. Besides, we start sparrin' and your kunoichi'd jump in." He raised his voice a bit. "Ain't that right, Konatsu?"

Konatsu stepped out from behind Ranma's back, and despite himself the martial artist jumped. "You are right, Ranma."

Mousse appeared out of the mists just after the ninja spoke and called out in greeting, "Good morning, Saotome."

"Mornin'."

Mousse looked around. "When do we leave?"

Ranma held up two fingers. "We're still waiting for two more people. Shampoo-"

Shampoo jumped down from the wall, landing right next to Ranma. "I is here, Airen." She was wearing her decorated leather armor. Although she had no weapons visible, Ranma was sure she had a few somewhere....

Ukyou scratched her cheek and looked around at the small group. "Who else are we waiting for?"

"The guide-"

A voice interrupted Ranma suddenly with, "Who is now here." All five teenagers jumped as a purple-haired man wearing robes and carrying a staff stepped into their midst. He smiled. "I am Xelloss,your parser- er, guide, for this quest. Shall we be off?"

****

Tatawaki Kuno sat in his personal dojo, meditating not upon his two loves (as was his usual wont) but instead pondering how the gods themselves had lifted the Kuno family from the obscurity it had been trapped in and into the prominence it now enjoyed.

The humble mansion he previously inhabited had been replaced by a grand castle; the bare handful of servants replaced by a veritable swarm of retainers; the shoddy weak system of paper bills and electronic credit replaced with proper golden coins; and best of all, the pathetic machinations of democracy replaced with the grandeur of nobility.

There were a few stains upon this perfect life, of course, of course. His father and his sister were both totally insane, thus reducing his family's standing; his sister had taken up poisons and dark magic as hobbies, making her unmarriageable; and last but worst, despite the way the world had turned upside, Tendo had still engaged his youngest daughter to the son of that aged ronin, Saotome.

The Tendo patriarch claimed he was only honoring his pledge to marry one of his daughters to Saotome's son, which was marginally credible; however Saotome, both father and son, had shown their total lack of honor so many times Kuno was certain that Tendo could break the engagement... if he wanted to. He had not.

This was, to Kuno, a personal insult, because he was certain Tendo knew of his desire to marry Akane, and only held to the engagement to frustrate Kuno's desire.

Of course, none of these things touched upon the subject of the pig-tailed girl...

"Tatewaki-sama!"

Kuno jumped seven feet, knocking his head upon the rafters of his dojo, then began strangling his faithful retainer. "You fool! How dare you interrupt my meditations!"

"Glarrg..."

After Kuno had throttled his servant for what he considered the proper amount of time needed for correction, he released Sasuke. "Now, speak," he commanded. "What reason could you have for disturbing me?"

Sasuke groveled as he said, "I have important information about Akane!"

Kuno grabbed his servant and began strangling him again. "You fool! Why didn't you mention that in the first place?"

Because he was a kindly overlord, he released his grip quickly. After Sasuke recovered, he gasped out, "Akane has been kidnapped, Tatewaki-sama, and the vile Ranma Saotome is already heading out to rescue her!"

Kuno stood up, knocking his faithful servant across the room. Despite landing against the wall hard enough to shake the room, Sasuke still managed to scramble behind Kuno quickly and hold up a poster so that the samurai could pose against the rising sun of Japan! "This is it! I shall rescue Akane before Ranma, and thus earn her love! And, no doubt," he added, beginning to salivate slightly, "her friend the pig-tailed girl will love me as well..."

Sasuke shook his head. "And, no doubt, I'll be the one carrying all the luggage AGAIN."

****

The sextet of rescuers had traveled far that day, moving north-east first across the common roads, then straight north by a branch that Xelloss had pointed out. After dusk had begun painting the sky, they'd found one of the many ubiquous inns that serviced weary wanderers. They'd settled in for a hearty meal, and now-

"So why are you helping us?"

"Ah," Xelloss smiled. "As I told the charming lady whom I met you through in your hometown, that is a secret."

-Xelloss was having fun in his own special way, and Ranma was seriously considering beating him for it. Beating him quite painfully.

But as any Inverse could have told him, beating on Xelloss, while fun, was about as futile as... beating on Xelloss. Somehow, the sheer pointlessness of it couldn't be properly compared to anything else, because he just kept coming back for more...

Before Ranma did something rash, however, Mousse leaned forward and asked, "What are you willing to tell us?"

Xelloss opened one eye for a split second. "What an interesting approach. I don't think anyone's tried that out before." Then, he resumed his usual smile. "I like it. Very well, I am willing to tell you this much.

"This path will not lead us directly to the Magician's Evil Cliffside Tower. Rather, it will lead us to a dungeon that has an item we require once we rescue the girl from him. It's a fairly typical crawl with all the standard dungeon dressings - orcs, goblins, a few ogres, and a troll or two - until you reach the Inconveniencing."

He fell silent for a moment, then continued. "The Inconveniencing appears as a silver mirror that ripples slowly, like a pool in a light breeze. You step into it and face a test, a test of yourself." The other five seated at the table leaned forward unconsciously. "If you fail, you suffer..."

All five held their breath as Xelloss opened his eyes again, regarding them with a solemn demeanor as he intoned with portentious dread the words,

"Super-deformity."

Everyone facefaulted, nearly breaking the table. Then, Ranma said angrily, "Aw, man! You had us worried over nothin'!"

Xelloss said quickly, "You have no inkling of the true horrors that super-deformation holds!" Then, he stood up abruptly. "You'll find out what I mean soon enough. We leave early in the morning." He walked away, leaving the five martial artists seated silently at the table.

****

Ling-Ling fidgeted nervously to the sounds of Elders debating vigorously (i.e., shouting at each other) as she waited outside the Ruling Hall. "What do you think they'll decide?" she half-whispered to her sister, who was seated on the bench next to her.

A loud crash came from inside the building, as of someone hitting someone else with a large object. The girls drew away from the wall, moving slightly closer together as if for reassurance. Lung-Lung grimaced. "Well, it's not as though they can blame US for the demons..."

As though to crush her hesitant statement, a roar from inside the wooden edifice came through clearly. "Well, who DO WE BLAME?!?!"

Now, the two made no effort to hide it as they huddled against each other, stricken with fear. They knew what Cologne, just one Elder of the council, had done to Shampoo for committing the relatively minor crime of killing someone who refused the Kiss of Death. What would the entire COUNCIL do for something like bringing the demonic invasion that had was, even now, pushing back the best warriors and mightiest magicians the Amazon tribe had to offer?

Their imaginations recoiled in horror from the possibilities.

"How dare she stay away so long?" came another shout, this one not quite as loud, and the girls looked at each other in puzzlement. What were the Elders talking about? "Just now, when we need her-"

Someone spoke sharply and cut off the speaker, but those words were too low for the girls to hear what was said. Still, though, terrified speculation filled their minds for the next few minutes, neither daring to speak again lest they give voice to their fears.

"Ling-Ling? Lung-Lung? Come in here."

Slowly, the sisters released their grips on each other and stood up, filing in with all the anticipation of a deathrow convict leaving the barely-touched remains of his last meal.

The Ruling Hall, despite its obviously (to an outsider, that is) vital function in the day-to-day governing of the Chinese branch of Amazons, was one of the smaller buildings in the village. This was because the Elders disdained its use except in the most of extreme circumstances; Ling-Ling couldn't even remember the last time that the Ruling Hall had been used. The Elders preferred to keep to their own concerns, and relied upon the ancient body of customs and law passed down through three thousand years of history to rule the village.

Today, though, even Elder Lave had left his mountain laboratory and sat in his place on the Circle, his thin fingers stroking his wizardly beard. The only seat empty was, in fact, Cologne's.

Almost of their own accord, Ling-Ling's eyes went to where Cologne would be sitting and stared. The ancient woman's absence somehow only added to the weight of her place, as though imagining her dry laugh and razor-sharp tongue gave those even more bite and power than hearing them in person.

Elder Lufa leaned forward, her lips curled up in what was no doubt meant to be a friendly smile. "So, what do you two have to say for yourself?"

Now came the moment of truth, where the sisters would have to stand together firmly against the old men and women who sat in judgment around them.

"It was her fault!" Lung-Lung squealed as she pointed an accusing digit at Ling-Ling. "She was the one that wanted to go into the mountains and explore!"

The girl stared in total shock for a moment, stunned by how quickly her sister had sold her out. Rallying her wits together quickly, Ling-Ling cried out, "Nuh-UH! It was YOUR idea to go past the border, and YOU were the one that tripped when we were trying to sneak away!!"

"Nuh-UH!"

"Yeah-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Girls, will you please-"

"Yeah-huh!"

"SHUT IT RIGHT FOUKIN' NOW, YE DUMB BRATS!"

At the roar from Elder Birgette (who'd transferred from the Scottish Amazons some forty years ago) the two closed their mouths. At a slightly quieter volume, Birgette went on with, "What ye dinnae seem tae realize izzat we're not here ta bring ye ta task fer the wee bonnie fracas we be havin' wi' tha daemon beasties."

It took Ling-Ling and Lung-Lung a moment to decipher that, but when they did, hope leapt into their hearts. Elder Lave waited for that to show on their faces, then destroyed it with a grim smile and the sentence, "Well, we aren't bringing you to task for the 'wee bonnie fracas' yet."

First the carrot, then the stick. ALWAYS the carrot, then the stick. Ling-Ling wondered resentfully, Have the Elders had EVER tried another way of dealing with someone younger than them? "What do you want us to do?" Ling-Ling asked in a resigned manner.

Elder Lufa leaned forward. "So quick to see what we're driving at. Maybe you CAN help us." She let that sink in for a moment, then said, "How would you feel about seeing your big sister Shampoo again?"

Shampoo... Ling-Ling fidgeted for a moment, then sighed. I wonder what she's doing right now? Probably having a lot of fun teasing somebody.

****

"So, what you say? Sounds good?" The purple-haired Amazon winked slyly.

With an effort, Ukyou held back her urge to strangle Shampoo for suggesting such a perversion. "How dare you even think of using my spatula for... for... THAT?!" she sputtered as she clutched her huge utensil-turned-weapon a bit closer.

Shampoo leaned a bit closer, puzzlement written all over her face in a ickily adorable way. "Don't tell me Spatula Girl never thought of using spatula for... that?"

A slight blush crept onto Ukyou's face as she stammered, "O-of course I have, when I was really desperate! But I always found another way."

Shampoo stepped back away from the okonomiyaki chef and threw her hands up in disgust. "Then find other way now, because we need firewood for to cook dinner!"

Ukyou snapped back, "I'm thinking, I'm thinking!"

The party was camped by the roadside nearly thirty miles from the nearest town. The boys, having won the game of jankenpon, had chosen to go hunting for food to supplement their supplies, leaving the ladies (Konatsu including himself in their number) to get the camp ready. The tents hadn't been a problem to set up (with ninja swiftness the male kunoichi had taken care of it), but the firewood...

Ukyou pointed at the sword across Shampoo's back. "Why don't you use that to cut us some wood?"

Shampoo crossed her arms across her chest. "Against Amazon law for Amazon to cut wood with her weapon." A beat later, she added, "Is okay for cook to do it with utensils though."

The okinomiyaki chef slid into a ready stance, her spatula held with blade down and tilted outward, towards the Amazon. Disdainfully, Shampoo didn't even move into a stance of her own at the threat! Ukyou gritted out from between clenched teeth, "Why, you stupid..."

Before this could degenerate into another catfight, Konatsu appeared between them with an armful of wood. "Ukyou-sama, I've gotten some wood for you."

Ukyou grinned weakly as she lowered her spatula. "Thanks, Konatsu. Where'd you get it?"

Dropping the armload onto the ground, he pointed over the hill. "There's a camp of bandits about two miles that way, looking for anybody traveling along this road."

"WHAT?!"

Konatsu blinked in surprise. "Couldn't you tell?"

"Naw, I don' thenk dey could." A massive bandit boss-type stepped into their view. About twenty other brigands emerged from well-concealed hiding spots.

Konatsu disappeared, and the bandit boss scowled. "Where de pretty fem gone to?" Then, he shrugged. "Guess de slavas be havin' to deal wit' you two."

"'Have to deal'?" Ukyou said, with an expression that promised extreme pain to the one foolish enough to utter those words.

"'Slavers'?" Shampoo said, with an expression to match.

Ukyou leveled a finger at the bandit boss. "So, not only do you threaten to sell us into slavery..."

Shampoo drew her sword. "You insult our beauty too?"

Then, the two struck a pose and said in unison, "Because we've been itching for a good fight, we shall punish you!" They looked at each other for a moment with confused looks on their faces that matched the ones worn by every single bandit.

The tableaux was broken when the bandit chief fell down with a half-dozen darts embedded in his chest. Then, Shampoo and Ukyou started having a little good old fashioned fun smashing the heck out of some hapless bandits.

****

Lina perched on the bowsprit, watching Prayer Gate Rock approach. And it was well worth watching. Obviously not natural, it towered several hundred feet out of the ocean in the shape of a (you guessed it) prayer gate. A small fleet, ranging in size from fishing boats to three-masters, bobbed at its feet.

"Arr, truly a wondrous thing it 'tis to see." Lina turned around to see the pirate captain, who was standing behind her, rubbing his chin. "Some say it 'twas made by the Dragons long ago, but none know why or how. It's all riddled with caves, and is a waypoint for traders."

Lina scowled at him. "If you knew all that, why didn't you tell us sooner? It took us almost a week to find this place!"

The pirate rubbed his chin. "Funny, even though Aye've known about Prayer Gate Rock for what seems like forever, Aye've never thought about it before today..."

****

Jusenkyou rolled his eyes. "I told you that it wouldn't last. No way will they blindly accept us just tossing this in front of them with no forethought whatsoever. Not a chance."

****

The pirate shook his head. "Aye don't suppose it matters now."

Lina stood up on the bowsprit dramatically, pointing at Prayer Gate Rock. "That's the gateway to my next fortune!"

Zelgadis muttered to himself, "...Only to be promptly blown on Lina-chow."

****

Ranma stepped over a hill and stopped short. "Whoa..."

He was rather upset when the people behind him didn't stop until after they'd knocked him down and walked over him. What added insult to indignity was that three of them stopped exactly where he had. Being a doormat was NOT his idea of fun.

But the scene spread out before them was the kind that you simply had to stop and stare at in shock for a long, long moment.

"That's horrible!" Ukyou said. Shampoo, Mousse, Konatsu, and Xelloss didn't say anything; their expressions showed nothing as they looked over the bodies that littered the battlefield.

Slowly, the five people moved into the field, and Ranma took the opportunity to stand up as quickly as he could, hoping the bruises to his ego would fade as quickly as those to his body.

Shampoo was the first to speak. "These all men from same unit. What kill them all?"

Konatsu spoke. "Yes, they all wear the same symbol."

Mousse said, "They were attacked by a monster of some sort, judging by these wound marks. Probably about less than a day ago."

Xelloss shouted, "Come over here! I've found what killed them."

The five martial artists rushed over to where Xelloss was standing over a skeleton of a humanoid monster that looked at least twelve feet tall and ten wide. Xelloss reached down, and, seemingly with little effort, ripped the skull from the spine. Looking deep into the eye sockets, he intoned, "Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him, Saotome."

Ranma asked, "Really?"

"No." He pointed to where the skull had been cracked. "However, this sort of thing is very familiar. This is the killing wound, inflicted by something blunt and long, along the lines of a staff or pole or maybe a baseball bat."

Shampoo said, "But battlefield only day old or so. Why monster skeleton already?"

"This kind of monster rots quickly, leaving only bones. Actually, I think it was destroyed some time after it killed those men. My only question is," Xelloss said, putting the skull down gently, "who'd be strong enough to kill a monster of this kind with a blunt object? With a single strike, no less?"

****

"Sasuke?"

"Yes, Tatewaki-sama?"

"Where on Earth are we now...?"

AUTHOR'S DEMENTED RANT

Well, this is the first chapter that I actually kept the original title for.

Also, now I'm slowly starting to foreshadow things to be changed in later chapters. I'm not afraid to admit that, when I first wrote this, I didn't have a _clue_ as to where I was going with it. I was writing it for the sheer interest value. Now that I've learned a bit and found out what's happening later on, I can actually *gasp* change it up! I'll rebuild it! I have the technology! Make it better, faster stronger!

Aaron Bergman

iamfanboy@hotmail.com

"Shinsei says, 'Forgive and forget.' Why?

So you can fool me again?"

-Shinriki, Little Truths