Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction / Slayers Fan Fiction ❯ Slayers NIBUNNOICHI ❯ Part the Third - A Three Hour Tour, A Three Hour Tour... ( Chapter 3 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

Slayers NIBUNNOICHI

Part the Third:

A Three Hour Tour, A Three Hour Tour

Hikaru Gosunkugi studied the most forbidden of dark lores and maddening magicks in his dank, mysterious laboratory, surrounded by books that vibrated and snarled with the magic that had permeated them, rendering them into fearsome things that only the bravest magician would dare try to read.

Actually, his laboratory was less dank and mysterious and more, well...

Instead of horrific paintings depicting the torments of the damned, posters of anime characters decorated the walls. Rather than having bubbling retorts filled with nameless liquids, his desks were covered with models and garage kits. Admittedly, he had bookshelves filled with moldy tomes of ancient and forgotten knowledge, but few magicians file them next to comic books and hide their precious porno mags behind them.

In short, it wasn't so much a lab as it was his bedroom.

And it was distractingly clean. Gosunkugi sometimes forgot that there WAS a floor, so deep were the drifts of clothes, papers, and less identifiable items; but earlier today his mother had come through and utterly disarranged his organized chaos.

A mere week before, he would have been resentful and angry she'd done it without his permission, but that had been... before.

Gosunkugi was thinking very seriously about before. Before that strange night when the world had, literally, turned 180 degrees for him. Before the moment when all of his dearest dreams had come true.

Because... his magic worked now.

Oh, before that night magic had worked for him, after a fashion; but disaster had been far more frequent than success. Many of the worst scars he bore, both physically and mentally, were from those failures. Now, though-

Now, Hikaru Gosunkugi was what he'd always wanted to be: a truly powerful wizard. Lightning was his to command, the wind danced at his word, he had bargained with beings of pure evil, and he had swooped and flown through the sky with ease. Learning new spells was no challenge at all, shockingly so; even the spells he'd never even dared to try in his old tomes had been mastered effortlessly.

Naturally he'd gone to buy more. Wizarding books are like a certain hyped brand of potato chips: You can't eat, or read, just one.

His favorite magic shop had expanded a bit since the last time he'd visited, and Hikaru had found in it several prize purchases, one of which was in front of him, open to a page that he had stared at for the last half hour.

The spell title that was written with elaborate flourishes in golden ink read, quite simply, Charm Person. With it, he could make girls like him.

Make girls like him!

Every budding young wizard reaches a point of, for lack of a better term, temptation in their studies. Magic is the art of bending the universe into conformance with one's own will, and the point of temptation is when an apprentice finally realizes what that truly means in relation to the darkest fantasies they've ever possessed.

A spell that, from a distance, could inflict terrible agonies on anyone who's ever tormented you. A spell that creates infinite amounts of illusionary money, so you can purchase anything you've ever wanted. Or... a spell that would make someone you desire do anything you ever ask of him... or her.

A master watches for this point of temptation closely in their apprentices, hoping to nudge them in whatever they feel to be the proper direction: self-control or self-indulgence. Usually, it's this moment that dictates how a mage uses his magic for the rest of his life; disdaining its use except when necessary or using it whenever he damn well feels like it.

Not having a formal apprenticeship (and having been lucky enough to survive to this point by himself), Hikaru knew none of this. Instead, screaming at him in eighteen point font, in really impressive big freakin' ascii art letters, was:

M M A K K E E E E

M M M M A A K K E

M M M M A A K K E E E

M M A A A A K K E

M M A A K K E E E E

G G G I I I I I R R R L S S S S

G G I R R L S

G I R R R L S S S S

G G G G I R R L S

G G I R R L S

G G G I I I I I R R L L L L S S S S

L I I I I I K K E E E E

L I K K E

L I K K E E E

L I K K E

L L L L I I I I I K K E E E E

H H I I I I I M M !! !! !! !!

H H I M M M M !! !! !! !!

H H H H I M M M M !! !! !! !!

H H I M M

H H I I I I I M M !! !! !! !!

Realistically, Gosunkugi knew exactly what he was (a skinny pale geek that had a name implying a major lack in a vital portion of the sexual department) and what his chances were of getting a date in any way other than pity (absolutely none). Thus, this spell seemed designed just for his situation (and, in fact, it had been; let's face it, magicians aren't likely to be wildly popular with the ladies).

But was it right to use it? Hikaru trailed his fingers down the page lightly, hesitantly, lovingly, almost as though it were a woman's skin. No, as though it was her skin.

Akane.

The name came to him as an almost shocking surprise. It had been a day, at least, since his last thought of the woman he loved but didn't love him back. Instead, she was entangled with that oaf Ranma Saotome, the sort of muscle-bound jock retard that had tortured him all his life. She might try to hide how she felt from Ranma, but Hikaru could see it clearly in everything she did or said.

How could Ranma still be ignorant of her feelings? If the fool cared about Akane half as much as Hikaru did, surely the oaf would have seen it by now.

If he used the spell on Akane, Hikaru Gosunkugi would be rescuing her.

But there would be a few things to take care of, before he could be assured that Ranma wouldn't be able to take her back.

The decision made, Hikaru slid his chair away from the desk and stood up, striding forth confidently from the room.

****

Lina Inverse stopped suddenly, causing the chain of friends she was leading to bump into each other one after another. Each new impact sent Lina staggering forward another step, further and further off-balance, until she finally planted her face firmly into the ground.

Some might have taken a moment to recover after receiving such an injury to both their dignity and facial features. Lina Inverse was not that kind of person. A mongoose would have envied her speed as she seemingly flickered from the humiliating position to a standing one, facing her friends, rage dancing in her eyes.

"What's the big idea, huh? Why didn't you guys stop?!?!"

Zelgadis, having extracted himself from the tangle with a minimum of fuss and a maximum amount of cool (well, as cool as you can be with skin the shade a singer formerly known as royalty might envy), crossed his arms over his chest casually. "Why DID you stop?"

Amelia held onto Ryouga for a moment longer than necessary, then released him suddenly and looked down at the ground, blushing and stammering. "Uhh, er, I, just..." She looked away again, and Ryouga frowned, trying to figure out why the way she was acting seemed so familiar...

Lina pointed at the worn sign next to her. "Captain Bangle said he'd bring his ship to Docking Berth 94."

Even as she spoke, the vessel sailed into view. Or most of it tried, at least, and doesn't effort count for anything these days? Bits and pieces were falling into the water around it at a regular rate, leaving a trail of flotsam behind it that danced in the ship's unsteady wake. The masts listed at an unsteady anglek, and some enterprisingly bored soul had used the holes in the beige sails to play connect-the-dots, tying them together with some sort of rope that had been dyed black.

Depending on how you squinted your eyes, it seemed to be either an apple or an ominous scrolled contract that read, "Abandon hope, all ye who enter here..."

Amelia gasped in shock. "We're taking that? But... I'm too young and cute to die!!!"

Lina was a bit more verbal, but because this is a PG-13 fic, I'm afraid that I can't tell you exactly what she said. I can, however, hint that it had something to do with wrought-iron cemetery fencing posts, Kool-Aid, multiple persons of both sexes, rubber hoses, various farm animals, and an extremely uncomfortable position for all parties involved.

Ryouga was facing the wrong way, but no one noticed. Least of all him.

Gourry just stared in wonder and gasped, "Wow, that boat is a handyman's dream. What a fixer-upper!"

Zelgadis just sighed resignedly, muttering, "Looks like Gourry and I spend this trip bailing. Again."

The gangplank unrolled and hit the dock with a bang that dropped several boards into the water, where they sank with barely a burble to mark their place. The remaining boards hardly looked safer.

Regardless of the insurance hazard below his feet, Captain Bangle skipped merrily down the gangplank. "Good morning, passengers. Welcome to my glrrk!"

Lina merrily throttled the hapless captain. "What the hell is this? Your ship looks like it's been sailing since the Demon Beast Zanafar ravaged Sairaag!!" In the very small part of her mind that remained rational, Lina wondered absently why the captain's face was turning purple.

"Glargg..."

Zelgadis tapped the irate sorceress on the shoulder. "Lina, if you loosened your grip a bit, he'd be able to answer you."

"What? Oh. Right. The choking." Lina released said grip, and the captain staggered around for a moment before regaining his breath.

He chuckled nervously before saying, "Ah. Er. To answer your question, she's been sailing since a bit before the Demon Beast Zanafar's time, but she's a good ship." A sudden cracking noise from aboard ship belied his words. His face paled, but otherwise he gave no outward sign of hearing the noise.

Lina just rolled her eyes, anger banked but not dead. "Right. We've hired the ship, I don't wanna wait anymore, so we're taking the- what's this scow called?" She turned to Captain Bangle.

He coughed nervously. "The Three Hour Tour."

"We're taking the Three Hour Tour." She started up the gangplank, determinedly ignoring the protest it sent up. The rest of the Scooby Gang... er, adventuring party followed.

Once at the top, Lina kicked away several rodents who seemed willing to give boot leather a try. "What's with all the rats?"

The captain said cheerily, "Erm, they kinda swarm onboard whenever we dock. Don't worry about 'em too long, though. Once we get under weigh, they'll disappear."

Zelgadis said sarcastically, "Figures that only rats would be smart enough to abandon this ship. Where do they go?"

"Go?" Captain Bangle cocked his head, then laughed. "They don't really go anywhere, except maybe to hell. Felix gets them." When Felix was mentioned, all the rats vanished from the deck.

Ryouga asked, fear in his voice, "Who - or what - is Felix?"

"The ship's cat."

****

Jusenkyou looked up from His search for the Keys, a chill finger sliding down His spine. "I sense a disturbance in the Force."

The Sea of Chaos looked askance at him. "NOW what are you babbling about?"

"Okay, maybe I should try again." Jusenkyou rubbed his chin, then said gravely, "I sense a disturbance of the Cliche."

The Cliche - a power that surrounded, penetrated, bound, and did several other BDS&M-style things to the universe - was something that every God could sense and use quite well. In fact, it could be said that Godhead itself springs from knowledge of the Cliche. The Sea of Chaos, however, bowed to Jusenkyou's skill in detecting even the minutest quiver in its fabric.

"Is the Cliche of the Light side or the Trite?" She asked, curious.

Jusenkyou searched for the site of the disturbance, then said grimly, "It's, er, very much of the Trite side. I think you'd better look at it."

The Sea of Chaos looked Herself, then gasped in shock. " A BAD Cliche? Near Lina Inverse?!" She quivered in rage. Though Her own use of the Cliche swung between Light (fun, humorous, and new) to Trite (boring, stupid, and overused) freely, the Sea of Chaos was always fussy about the Trite Cliches She allowed into Her creation. And this was... this was...

The lamest thing She'd ever seen.

Jusenkyou closed His eyes and prepared to ride out the inevitable shockwave of sheer anger and pure, unadulterated rage as the Sea of Chaos visibly swelled up, doubling and trebling Her size, golden lightning flickering around Her. Several seconds later, He heard Her say cheerfully, "Well, let's get to fixing it."

He cracked one eyelid and then the other, just in time to see the Sea of Chaos rolled back her sleeves and set to work. She reached out and drew Her world back a bit in time for convenience's sake. Not that She cared about paradox - if a mortal was dumb enough to kill his own grandfather, it was his own lookout - but She did have a vested interest in Lina, however, and tried to keep up the illusion of reality around the sorceress.

Tried being the operative word here, of course.

****

"What's the big idea, huh? Why didn't you guys stop?!?!"

Lina pointed at the worn sign next to her. "Captain Bangle said he'd bring his ship to Docking Berth 94."

Even as she spoke, the ship sailed grandly into view. Lina fancied she could hear an orchestra playing something beautiful and awe-inspiring, so stately was its progress. It sparkled from an obviously fresh coat of wax, and all three masts were hung with beautiful sails stitched together from patches that, from a distance, looked like pictures of the seafaring life.

Amelia sighed with longing. "Incredible..."

Lina grinned. "Looks like we'll be traveling in style for once." She salivated visibly. "I hope they serve food to match..."

Gourry crossed his arms across his chest. "I don't like it," he declared suspiciously. "Why would a captain that owned a ship that nice be working in an ice cream parlor?"

Ryouga was facing the wrong way, but no one noticed. Least of all him.

Zelgadis gaped, shocked to his core by Gourry's thievery of his best lines.

The ship came to a grand halt, and little colored streamers came showering from the sides. The gang plank slid down, hitting the dock with a resounding thud. Amelia rushed up the walkway first, followed closely by Lina, and both of them had little stars in their eyes. Ryouga almost walked off the dock but Zelgadis grabbed his arm, guiding him up the gangplank. Gourry brought up the rear, a frown on his normally cheerful features.

The captain greeted them with a grin. "What do you think of her?"

Lina grinned back. "Nice ship. What's she named?"

"The Millennium Balton." At Lina's incredulous stare, he added sheepishly, "It's not a very good name, I know, but the person who wrote out the commissioning papers was deaf, and do you know how much it costs to have a ship's name changed around these parts?"

Zelgadis looked around the deck. It positively gleamed in the late afternoon sun. Lines were coiled neatly and had a sharp, new look to them. The brightwork was bright and the deck was deck-shaped. Only one thing was missing.

"Where's the crew?" Zelgadis asked, giving Captain Bangle his patent-pending 'I really don't want to trust you, but I'll try to trust you by not trusting you' look. Lina didn't know quite how he could convey all that in a half-second glance, but somehow, the chimera managed to pull it off with style and panache.

The captain looked distinctly uneasy for a moment, the grin sliding right off his face. "They're, uh, below. I'll go bring them up so you can meet them." He muttered, almost too low for Lina to catch, "Might as well get it out of the way now..."

He walked over to a nearby hatch and jumped down into it, while the adventurers waited patiently or impatiently, depending upon individual dispositions and (in Lina's case) the hunger that was threatening to overwhelm her as she thought more and more about what kinds of great foods could be on a ship like this. Gourry looked at his reflection in the floorwax, rubbed his chin, and started shaving with his sword, humming absently. Amelia watched Ryouga, stars in her eyes, who was twiddling his thumbs and trying to ignore her intent stare.

Zelgadis, strangely enough, was the most outwardly impatient of them all. He stomped around the deck, peering into coils of rope, kicking at the waxed deck, and generally looking for the fly in this overly-nifty ointment.

The captain came back up several minutes later, followed closely by a nondescript man with hair-colored hair and a face-shaped face, the sort of person who would be described by anyone as "Just this guy, ja?" Just after him out of the hatch was a man in a silver suit of armor that covered his body entirely; it had odd blinking panels with colored lights all along the front that flashed with each step he took. And after the man in silver armor...

"A Mazoku!" Lina reacted reflexively, charging up a fireball to throw at the eight-foot redskinned octopus-faced monstrosity with suckered tentacles sprouting from its back. Her fireball fizzled when a massive splash of water drenched her, wrecking her concentration completely.

Ryouga yelped as he barely dodged the splash's fringe, jumping to one side so quickly that he collided with Amelia. They both went ass-over-teakettle, finally landing against one of the chocks, Ryouga above Amelia, her arms around him, and it took a moment's work for the martial artist to extract himself from her grasp.

Lina Inverse turned, very slowly, very deliberately, to the captain, who was holding the fire-bucket he'd emptied all over her. He said sternly, "No fires aboard ship except in the galley." She deflated.

Zelgadis assumed the position of suspicion: Arms crossed across his chest and one eyebrow arched. "This is it? Where's the rest of the crew?"

The captain grinned. "I'm glad you asked that! The Millennium Balton is, as the name implies, the most modern ship of the millennium! The finest luxury liner ever made, she only needs four people to run her! Of course, with only four people, we need to cut a few corners. We have to cook the food quickly, so sometimes we burn it" Lina gasped in shock "it wasn't too appetizing in the first place" she clutched the left side of her chest, and at "I always hate dealing with such small portions, too" she collapsed to the ground, frothing at the mouth.

Gourry slid up next to her and poked her with a convenient stick. Poke. Poke poke. "Hey Lina, you all right?"

Lina hopped to her feet, sending Gourry reeling backwards. "No, I'm not all right! But I'll live, no matter how much I may regret it..." She pointed at the Mazoku. "Now, to get my mind off my soon-to-be abused stomach, what's the Mazoku's story?"

The captain shrugged. "If you're so interested in him, we'll start the introductions there. His name is Loxim, and he's a retired Mazoku. He was kicked out because he..." He stopped suddenly, and looked over at the Mazoku.

The Mazoku said, "It's not something I like to talk about."

Captain Bangle added hastily, "But he's a good shipmate, a good shipmate! I've been sailing with him for two years, and in that time he's been one of the best sailors that I've ever known."

Loxim nodded and said, "I am a sea monster. What do you expect?"

Lina frowned internally. On the one hand, she'd had more than a few bad experiences with Mazoku in the past. On the other, one Mazoku, Xelloss, had helped her on occasion.

A little.

When he wasn't annoying the hell out of her.

Decision made, Lina nodded to Loxim. "Nice to meet you. Don't answer a straight question with 'that is a secret' and we'll get along just fine."

The captain moved on to the man in armor. "This is Rowby the Rowboat." With some shock, Lina finally realized that there was no way a man could move in that suit of armor. Captain Bangle continued with, "I have no idea why it's called a rowboat, because it's actually a golem, created by an alchemist named Cyrus Sybernetics to help with the running of the ship. I'll tell you more about it when I conduct the official tour."

Lina held out her hand to the Rowboat in a friendly gesture. "Nice to meet you."

The Rowboat ignored it and said in a soft voice, "Last night I was cleaning the bar and a man behind the bar said that he'd give me a drink if I killed all of you for him. When I told him that I'm not capable of drinking, he said that he'd get back to me and disappeared into thin air."

Captain Bangle turned around very slowly and said softly to the very startled sorceress, "You're supposed to turn off a Rowboat every ten days to give them some time to recover. He won't let us touch his on/off switch."

Rowby interrupted suddenly, "No fleshy will ever touch my switch!"

Lina murmured back, "How long has it been since he's been off?"

"About three months." The captain let that soak in for a moment, then moved on to the third member of his crew. "This is Babblin' Joe. We call him that for a good reason, but don't let the occasional strange thing he says throw you. He's really a very nice guy."

Lina, relieved to be meeting a relatively normal guy, said, "Nice to meet you."

Babblin' Joe said agreeably, "The floating disembodied head of Colonel Sanders."

"What?"

"The floating disembodied head of Colonel Sanders." Then, Babblin Joe added, "D0n't d155 my m4d m45t3r n1nj4t31 ub3r h4ckz3r sk1llz?"

Lina stepped back slowly. Mustn't run away, already paid the captain. Mustn't run away, already paid the captain... Gradually, any fear of what this voyage was going to be like faded, to be replaced by her usual grim resignation to the inevitable.

"I want a refund!" To be polite, she added, "Now!"

The captain shook his head. "Sorry, already spent all your money getting the ship ready for the voyage." He kicked at the deck. "The Rowboat may do all the polishing, but do you think the wax pays for itself?"

****

Cologne sat on top of her restaurant's roof, watching the sun set. The person who'd asked to talk with her here was late, but she was content to wait peacefully. It was a sense of peace that she'd rarely enjoyed since leaving her quiet life as Elder to find the young man who'd bested her strongest living great-granddaughter not once, but twice.

Idly, she wondered if her village even still existed. Nothing said that it could be dragged along through dimensions along with Japan, and the island of Japan had definitely shifted dimensions. What little research she could do had pointed to that as only real possibility, but nothing in any of her books had said anything about shifts on this scale.

Most people wouldn't have even noticed the shift, Cologne suspected. The particularly strong-willed could keep their memories for several weeks. Disciplined martial artists, such as Ranma, might well hold on to the memories for as long as several months. And as for people such as herself and the one who'd asked to meet her...

She would keep her memories of Subarus, Sailor Moon and Santana for the rest of her life, she supposed, though Cologne had no idea how much longer she would choose to live. Long enough to train up her replacement, who was shaping up quite nicely.

"Good evening, Cologne."

Cologne turned to the diminutive master martial artist. "Hello, Happi. How are you tonight?"

Happosai sat down next to Cologne. He puffed meditatively on his pipe, the coal inside glowing, before replying, "Fine. I feel better than I have in years, in fact. With the stronger magical field of this world, I don't have to steal nearly as many panties to stay alive. I even went to the library and checked out a book for the first time in years! Strangely enough, the library is unchanged, probably because of the Shi Jin Ten Chi Sho's presence." He sighed sadly. "I found out that Heinlein is dead. Did you know that?"

"Who?"

The old man, feeling his age mentally if not physically, sighed again. "Never mind. I'm just sayin' that it's nice to have a choice about leaping from rooftop to rooftop in search of my darlings. Of course," he pulled out a lacy pink silk 36 C-cup with frilly bows, "we both know what my choice is."

Cologne whapped him with her gnarled stick, but not hard enough to really hurt the ancient martial artist. "Of course we do. Now, what did you want to talk about?"

Happosai stood up. "I was thinking about leaving Tokyo for a while. You know, see the new world, that sort of thing?"

Cologne gestured with her stick impatiently. "And this has what to do with me?"

Happosai looked down at his feet and shuffled them back and forth, putting his pipe behind his back. "I was hoping, er, wondering if you might... um... want to maybe come with me?" He looked up at her for just a moment with big puppy dog eyes, then turned his eyes back to his feet.

Cologne was, quite honestly, touched. In their youth, Happosai had told her quite simply that if it came down to a choice between panties and Cologne, he'd always pick the panties.

Now, it seemed, he was making a different choice.

Of course he wasn't perfect, but then no one was. And she was tired of being alone. Besides, Cologne knew quite well it was possible to change someone with love, patience, and the occasional beating. She nodded once. "Give me a day or so to set everything in order."

Happosai smiled. "I need to do the same thing myself." He chuckled. "Won't Soun and Genma be surprised..."

****

The Sea of Chaos literally patted Herself on the back, temporarily creating a shadow duplicate for the purpose. "Not a bad way to take care of two prospective problems. The chaos those two inspire while leaving should be very interesting indeed."

"What are you doing?"

Only millennia of watching mortals in the same situations do the same exact thing prevented the Sea of Chaos from jumping at Jusenkyou's friendly-sounding inquiry, but it was a close thing. "Um, not much, just, ah, looking in on your mortals. Those two old ones, Cologne and Happosai, are doing something."

"What?"

The Sea of Chaos shrugged nonchalantly. "I couldn't care less. Ukyou's My favorite."

Jusenkyou looked for Himself, and His face darkened. "They can't do that!" He looked about ready to interfere, and the Sea of Chaos moved to restrain Him. Though not an official rule of the game, there was a gentleman's agreement between Gods that a mortal's choices must not be interfered with directly. Start a bush on fire and stand behind it, ranting at a leader of men? Just fine and dandy. Gently influence an old man's dreams of his past mistakes towards recapturing those halcyon days of youth? Perfectly kosher.

But Jusenkyou looked as though He were about to do something far more drastic than that. Slowly, however, Jusenkyou backed off, His expression moving from frustrated anger to resentful contemplation, and the Sea of Chaos smiled inwardly. It looks like things are starting to move...

****

Hikaru Gosunkugi walked into his third real estate office of the day. Step one of the Rescue Akane Forever And Sneer In Ranma's Face plan entailed the obtainment or discovery of an impregnable stronghold, one that a skilful and determined wizard could fortify against even a horde of over-powered crazy teenage martial artists.

Rather unfortunately, he hadn't had good luck so far. In the first office:

"What do you have in the way of Evil Wizard's Keeps?"

"What are you talking abou- ribbit, ribbit, ribbit..."

Look, if you're going to be an Evil Wizard, there's no use doing it in half-measures. Hikaru Gosunkugi had realized this about fifteen minutes after the RAFASIRF plan had crystallized, and now he was thinning out the ranks of anyone who was less than helpful.

In the second one:

"What do you have in the way of Evil Wizard's Keeps?"

"I have a very nice apartment open on Merchant's Ro-baaaaaa! Mmmaaaa!"

Now, having threaded his way past the gauntlet of secretaries, lesser agents, and hastily-hired bodyguards, Hikaru stepped up to the main real estate agent's desk. "What do you have in the way of Evil Wizard's Keeps?"

The agent steepled his fingers, his smile so wide that his eyes were almost shut. "Would that be mountaintop, enchanted wood, lake island, or cliffside?"

Hikaru blinked. "Um. Cliffside sounds as though it would be best. Say, what's your name?"

Despite the seeming impossibility, the agent's smile grew even broader. "Now, that... is a secret."

****

Dynast was a happy Mazoku lord. Two of his fellow Lords had died recently, expanding his own influence accordingly; he ruled his mountains unopposed, having disposed of his priest and two-thirds of his army for attempting to overthrow him; and one of his minions had brought him two defiant sacrifices for him to feast upon. The two young females before him looked juicy and full of terror as they clutched at each other; a succulent reek of fear exuded from them that Dynast took a moment to inhale like the sweetest wine.

Dynast leaned forward, folds rippling, and intoned with just the right hint of menace (sledgehammer), "Now, puny mortals, prepare to die."

Ling-Ling looked at her sister dubiously. "What should we do?"

Lung-Lung glanced at the Mazoku lord. "Maybe we should do the Dance of the Great Fire Dragon?"

Four hours later, Dynast was an unhappy Mazoku lord. He'd been forced to listen to a very stupid and quite annoying spell chant not once, not twice, but three times; he'd found out that he didn't rule his mountains unopposed; the sacrifices had escaped to warn all of who lived in his mountain; and he'd been forced to dance the Funky Chicken.

He hated the Funky Chicken.

Ordinarily, he didn't much care if the people he used as feasts of dark emotion escaped (after all, the stories of their suffering would only increase the delectation of future meals), but those two girls had. Made. It. PERSONAL.

He summoned his general. When she arrived, he spoke one word. "War."

Atash grinned. "Very well, my lord." She disappeared, and Dynast went back to stretching his hamstrings before he remembered that they didn't, actually, exist.

Somehow, that realization made him even angrier, but neither the realization nor the anger stopped the aching soreness in his legs.

****

Lina didn't think very much of shipboard life.

Having to spend the first three hours of it with her head hanging over the side might've had something to do with that negative attitude.

What made it even worse was Amelia standing ten feet away, eating a ham sandwich and laughing. "Aw, it's not that bad, Lina. Suck it up."

Lina tried her best to throttle the perky princess. Really, she did. The problem was, she moved one way, the deck moved another, and somehow she ended up horizontal. She found that position even more nauseating, by some horrid miracle.

A light touch on her shoulder roused her from her reverie of agony. The contact somehow made her feel better. In fact...

She stood up easily, balancing easily on the rocking deck, all of her nausea gone. Lina looked around frantically for her benefactor, but upon seeing Loxim right next to her, she jumped away defensively. "What did you do to me?!"

The Mazoku shrugged, his tentacles moving weirdly in tandem with the motion. "Drained some of your dark emotion and took your seasickness along. Seasickness is one of the things I have control over as an ocean monster." Suddenly, he doubled over, clutching his stomach as if in agony.

Reflexively, Lina took a step towards him and reached out one helping hand, but she recoiled when Loxim suddenly straightened and turned to face the ocean. He screamed, and a beam of energy that Lina could feel radiating evil lanced from his mouth and split the ocean, boiling away into foam. A few seconds later, Loxim closed his mouth.

Lina stood there, slack-jawed. "What the H- what was that?"

Loxim shrugged again. "When I take in too much dark energy, I can't hold it in and I need to throw it back out. Deep Sea Dolphin kicked me out when I vaporized two of her favorite yes-Mazoku." He walked away.

Lina blinked. When he went back under, she said, "Wow. A bulimic Mazoku. Who'd've thought, right Amelia?" When no one answered her, she looked around. "Amelia?"

****

The Keys were bored, not for the first time in their existence. They knew that it was because of boredom that they were always caught, but somehow they couldn't help but meddle in a situation that promised to be interesting. And the girl who was carrying them was ripe for a bit of meddling...

****

"DIGGER BOLT!"

Sasuke jumped out of the way of the lightning bolt. "Mistress, I can understand-"

"FREEZE BLEED!"

He threw down a smoke egg and hid from her line-of-sight behind it for long enough to add, "-your need to practice-"

"FLARE ARROW!"

He dodged the burst of fire as it burned away his cloud of smoke and continued doggedly. "-your newfound abilities, but-"

"BURST RONDO!"

Sasuke danced desperately back and forth, but a few bolts tagged him despite his efforts and finished with, "-but why must I be the target?"

Kodachi put one hand to her mouth and laughed. "OHOHOHOHOHOHO! I have no need to explain myself to you. DEMONA CRYSTAL!"

****

The Captain (we'll just call him the Captain, because he's just a plot device and, if he's lucky, will never appear in another scene) was standing on the bridge of his docked clipper, wondering if he should go out on the town with the rest of his officers, when he heard a laugh from behind him.

A terrible, horrible, evil, quite unpleasant laugh.

"OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO! I, Naga the White Serpent, am hijacking your ship!" The Captain heard an apologetic cough. "Sorry about that. Habit. I'd like to hire your ship to take me to a small island called Japan."

The Captain turned around, and his eyes crossed. The woman standing there was wearing very little to cover quite a lot. He pegged her right away as a sorceress.

A stripper never would have threatened to hijack the ship.

The Captain spread his hands. "You'd need a lot of money to hire..."

Three large sacks of gold hit the deck. The Captain wondered where in Teleute's name she'd been able to hide that. She asked, "Is that enough?"

Just by looking at them the Captain knew it was enough to keep his ship going for five months, and maybe hire a drydocking to boot. He smiled. "We'll be ready to sail in about two weeks..."

A fireball detonated over the ship. The Captain swallowed. "A week?"

The sorceress raised one hand, fingers spread wide, and curled her thumb into her palm. "Four days."

The Captain sighed in resignation. "Okay."

Naga turned away and looked to the south, sighing with longing. "Oh, Ranma-sama, I rush to your arms. Though I have not yet seen your face, your beauty illuminates my stony heart." She reached into her cloak and pulled out a white rose. "I will give this to you as a pledge of my heart."

The Captain shook his head. "A star-crossed lover. Not again..."

****

Hikaru Gosunkugi knocked tentatively on the Tendo's door. He'd been psyching himself up for this confrontation all day. He'd studied some really nasty spells. He'd acted very, very evil, right down to taking candy from babies kind of evil. He'd even forced himself to watch Flash Gordon three times, and if that doesn't make you want to hate a world which allows such a movie to exist...

Nevertheless, he still felt nervous. Oh, not about losing - he knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he could and would crush Ranma. It was just...

He didn't really want to kill Ranma. After all, the only thing the martial artist had ever really done to him was be engaged to the woman that he loved. Gosunkugi knew, though, that Ranma wouldn't give up until he'd either rescued Akane or died trying.

The problem was, unless Hikaru did something drastic, the martial artist almost certainly would die trying. Thus, step two, two point five, and three of the Rescue Akane Forever And Sneer In Ranma's Face plan would require some truly drastic measures to frighten Ranma enough that he would never want to interfere again.

Fortunately, the young wizard had found a friend to help him along.

Suddenly tired of waiting and just thinking about it, Hikaru slid open the door and shouted, "Anybody home?"

He heard someone say, "Coming!" After a moment, a woman came into the entranceway that Hikaru recognized vaguely as being Akane's older sister. "Yes, what can I do for you?"

The wizard pointed back at the gate and the sign next to it. "Do people wanting to kidnap Akane have to go around back with the challengers?"

Kasumi laughed politely. "Oh my, no. They usually just come in the front door. Or the windows. Or, sometimes, the walls." She added in an amused tone, "Ranma's friends are so rambunctious!"

"Where's Akane?"

"In the backyard, studying with Ranma." Kasumi cocked her head. "Why do you ask?"

But she was already speaking to his retreating back. Hikaru walked around the outside of the building, finally openly in the yard that he had snuck around in so often, hoping for a glimpse of his love.

As he rounded the final corner, he saw Akane and Ranma sitting side by side on the edge of the house, a book open between them. Ranma looked up. "Hi, Gos. What's up?"

Hikaru took one deep breath and steeled himself. "BOMB DIEM WIND!" The hurricane-force gale sent Ranma into one of the walls bordering the house's yard. Gosunkugi turned to Akane, her mouth still open in shock, and tossed an ofuda onto her forehead. "SLEEP!"

She collapsed, and Hikaru gathered her into his arms. Ranma got to his feet and ran for the wizard with all the speed his feet could muster, but it was too late.

"RAYWING!" The spell propelled him upward, and Ranma's desperate leap only scraped his fingernails across the shield of wind. Hikaru let loose with his newly minted evil laugh, which made him sound frighteningly like Katsuhiko Jinnai.

"You will never save her, Ranma, never!! NEVER!!! Akane is MINE, and not even you can stand against my powers!!!!! Bwaha, haha, HAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!!"

Ranma watched his fiance disappear into the distance as he collapsed to his knees. "Akane..."

****

Ryouga walked down the passageway, looking for his room and, not being able to find it, was cursing the world in general. He was thankful that he was aboard a ship, at least; that greatly reduced the chances of something strange happening, like that one time he followed that talking rabbit, hoping to ask for directions, and fell down the rabbit hole...

His less-than-fond remembrances of the past were interrupted by a tap on the arm. He turned around and groaned inwardly when he saw that it was Amelia, wrapped up in a voluminous cloak. Well, this is just great. At least she might be able to guide me to my cabin...

"R-Ryouga?" she asked timidly.

Ryouga was trying hard to be patient with her. Really. But everyone has a breaking point (no pun intended) and Ryouga was approaching his. "Yeah, Amelia?"

"Can I talk to you in private for a little bit?" She motioned to one of the empty billets nearby.

Ryouga saw no reason why not, which only shows how truly ignorant he is. "Sure." He followed her into the room, and once he got in, turned around to close the door. When he put his attention back on Amelia, she had dropped her cloak, and she was wearing...

Something filmy, silky, see-through, pink, lacy, low-cut, with bows placed strategically to preserve the barest amount of modesty. With a shy tone of voice, she asked, "Do you like it?"

Ryouga closed his eyes out of simple self-preservation, feeling the sudden rush of pressure that heralded a life-threatening nosebleed. Nevertheless, he still lost enough blood to make blood-drive workers shake their head at the sheer waste. "What are you doing?!" he sputtered. "P-put something else on!"

Ryouga waited a few seconds, then said, "Have you changed yet?"

"Of course."

Ryouga, mindful of past experiences, double-checked by asking, "Are you sure?" without opening his eyes.

"Yes, I'm sure."

"Really, really sure?"

"Will you just open your eyes!?"

Ryouga opened his eyes, and there she was.

Buck. Ass. Naked.

She posed for him, both hands behind her head, one leg slightly forward with the knee bent, and said with a smile older than mankind, "How do you like the Birthday Suit ensemble?" With a giggle, she added, "It's cheaper than that other outfit..."

Picture waterfalls with spray and foam falling thousands of feet to the jagged rocks below. Imagine mighty rivers flooding their banks to destroy budding civilizations entire. Visualize ornate magical fountains sending streams of water leaping gracefully into the air.

All these things come so close to describing Ryouga's nosebleed, but fail to do the full effect justice.

Ryouga slammed his eyelids shut, then, for an extra measure of protection, clapped his left hand over his eyes. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?" He scrabbled for the door handle with his free hand.

That's when he felt something brush against his bare arm he was 100 percent certain was not a hand. "I want you, Ryouga."

At that point (once again, no pun intended), Ryouga freaked. For the first time in his life, he was as fast as Ranma as he turned 180 degrees and ripped through the wooden bulkhead like it was tissue paper. Which, for someone of his strength, it probably was.

He ran down the passageway, not quite as destructively because he didn't want to punch through the hull and kill everyone on board. He ran and ran and ran until he ran into something, knocking himself flat.

Ryouga looked up and saw Babblin' Joe standing there. Babblin' Joe looked Ryouga straight in the eye and said distinctly, "You must find the Keys to her problem."

Ryouga looked Babblin' Joe straight in the eye and said distinctly, "Bwah?"

"You must find the Keys to her problem." With that, Babblin' Joe turned around and walked away, leaving Ryouga behind to unscrew the inscrutable.

AUTHOR'S NOTES

Ryouga in Wonderland...

That's the thing I always bump across whenever I look over this fic. The thought of it gives me the giggles, because out of all anime characters he would be most suited for a little Lewis Caroll crossover action. Falling down the rabbit hole...

If only my Clones were interested in writing something like that, so I would be able to at least lay some claim to the idea.

Wow, this was the first Part that I made any significant changes to. I mean, the others were all right, just minor joke rewrites and such, but this one felt as though it needed some major changes. The scenes with Gosunkugi, some other things...

Oh, I guess I should explain a few minor things. Yes, it _was_ the keys making Amelia act like a little... well, I suppose that all of you know the words I could insert here, so I'll preserve your delicate ears.

DID Xelloss actually appear in this fic? Now that... is a secret.

For those of you still scratching your heads, Subarus, Sailor Moon, and Santana (the objects Cologne was remembering) are entirely unrelated except for the fact that they all begin with the Letter of the Day, 'S.'

Oh yeah, I realize that in Slayers the Motion Picture, and in the third season of the anime series Lina didn't suffer from seasickness. In fact, I'm totally breakin' canon by inflicting that on her! Gasp! I hope the fanfic Canon Gestapo don't knock on my d-

Oh, crap. Someone just DID knock on my door! Ready the defenses, they won't take me alive!

And now, as a super-duper extra-special addition to distract your attention while I fight off some legbreakers, a small omake which took place during the time that I was writing this story. Yeah, I know, incredibly kewl, but don't get too excited.

No, Aerin, the switch that releases the attack dogs is THAT one! Over there!

****

Aaron cackled madly as he typed. "Ahahahahehehehehackcough!" After he recovered, he said, "Ripping on Flash Gordon. Too cool!"

A sudden flash like a camera's temporarily blinded him. When he blinked it away, he noticed an ominous shadow looming over his computer. Aaron slowly turned to find Jusenkyou, cracking His knuckles ominously.

"As it happens," Jusenkyou said calmly, "I like that movie a great deal. It also happens that I don't like people who insult that movie. So for your crimes..."

Aaron held out both hands defensively. "I'm not the person who wrote this! I'm... just looking over Aaron's story for him! My name's Eyewrin, and I'm his clone! Aaron's over there!" He pointed at the entertainment center, where Eyewrin was busy beating the crap out of Dark Shneider with Taunting Godhead Legend Stone Cold Dan Hibiki. Aaron had just purchased MTCFFU: Best of Ultra for the PS2, and so far he hadn't been able to pry his clone away from it.

Jusenkyou pointed at Eyewrin. "You!"

"Huh?" Eyewrin blocked another series of cheap-ass spells and retaliated with a pink puffball.

Jusenkyou stomped one foot. "I'm talking to you! Give me the respect due a God!"

"Just a sec, I'm about to pull off..." The really really big sound system hooked to the TV resounded with the shout "DAN DAN BOOT TO THE HEAD!" and Darshu went flying off into the sunset.

"That's it, I'll make you listen!" Jusenkyou pulled a bucket out of nowhere and splashed it on the hapless clone as he waited for the load time to finish. Eyewrin transformed into a... wombat. Jusenkyou laughed.

"That'll teach you to make fun of my favorite movie!" Punishment inflicted, Jusenkyou disappeared.

Eyewrin leveled a glare at Aaron that the author translated as, "I'll get you. Maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow, but watch your back." Or maybe Aaron was reading too much into a single glance and the poor Evil Clone-turned-wombat was just constipated, but somehow... he doubted it.

****

Well, I've managed to throw back the Canon Gestapo once again. Bastards, always trying to interfere with a poor lonely writer's life. Maybe I should just keep all my fanfics strictly in character, avoiding flagrantly OCC situations and actions, just so I don't piss them off-

Nah.

BTW, Magical Troubleshooting Crossover Fighting Federation Ultra WAS one of my favorite series when I originally wrote this (nearly three years ago. Dear spirits, where does the time go?) but I barely have enough time to write my own stuff these days, let alone read other people's works...

Plus, the quality of it fell off sharply when I stopped reading it, and for all I know it may have just died a quiet death. It's tragic when that happens, but right now I don't have internet access to see if it's still around.

Geh, now I've succeeded in making myself depressed.

Aaron Bergman

iamfanboy@hotmail.com

"In fact I fear sometimes that I have the

ambition of a genius, the eye and ear of a

genius, and the talent of a chimneysweep."

-Honore Balzac