Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction ❯ Pigtailed Timeloops Omakes ❯ Oneshots by Shade ( Chapter 1 )
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: RangerShade 
Disclaimer: All copywrited works belong to their respective creators.
Leave your sanity at the door.
Anime/Manga: Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy | Type: One Shot | Uploaded On: 08.29.2009 | Pages: 16 | Words: 8.6K | Visits: 3.2K | Status: Completed
Disclaimer: All copywrited works belong to their respective creators.
Leave your sanity at the door.
Anime/Manga: Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy | Type: One Shot | Uploaded On: 08.29.2009 | Pages: 16 | Words: 8.6K | Visits: 3.2K | Status: Completed
-Loop XXXX
The Loops had started vary their placements a bit in the last couple of rounds,
offering a slight variety that was a welcome change.
Or not so welcome in this case.
Ranma reflected that were was nothing so annoying as to be killed by his fiancee
in one loop only to wake up with a headache from having her smash his head with
a table at the beginning of the next one.
Fuck it. He was going to let loose on this one.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
"Ah, the sweet tigress Akane Tendo."
There went the rose.
Out came his blowgun. Wait for it, and shoot!
Down went Akane just as she caught the flower.
Ranma applauded loudly to Tatewaki as the blowgun vanished into his pants.
"Bravo! An excellent use of a poisoned projectile to defeat your opponent!"
"Eh?! But-I didn't-"
The flabbergasted look on Kuno's face was priceless.
And the rumor mill in the background about the Kendo boy's unsportsmanlike approach was merely a bonus.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
"What? That scheming sister of the virtuous Akane desires me?!"
"Yep. Why else would she hang around you all the time
selling items from her sister to you at vastly inflated prices?"
It was a novel concept but Ranma had great hopes that it would penetrate to what passed for Kuno's mind.
It was probably an inhuman act of cruelty to set Nabiki out in front the path that led to Tatewaki Kuno's obsessions.
"I must...consider what you have told me."
"Suit yourself. Just remember that she'll deny it just like Akane if pressed."
But she had it coming.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
"Where do you think you're going, boy?"
"A friend's house. Can't just hang around here like a bunch of freeloaders now can we?"
"And which friend would this be?"
"Tatewaki Kuno."
The spit-takes were a joy to watch.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
"Dear Sir, please take this bouquet!"
Ah, Kodachi. He'd been looking forward to this for several loops.
"Allow me, my sweet maiden."
Ranma smiled as he took the black roses from Kodachi. Then he blew the paralysis poison
that had been heavily dusted on the blooms right back into her unsuspecting face.
The pigtailed martial artist caught her as she fell, immobilized but still concious.
His grin widened at the sight of her beautiful eyes widened in alarm.
"And now my dear, we shall start your education in the Art of pleasing your Master."
He gave her breasts an appreciative feel through the thin material of her leotard.
There were no ropes around, but a gymnastic ribbon served just as well.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
"What are you so happy about, Pervert?"
Ranma said nothing, but made a mental note to make Mikaido's job easier
with some of Kodachi's special pollen when the ice skating started.
That would give Kuno yet another target to go after in his eternal quest to woo and protect Akane.
And with the help of his "good friend", would lead to yet another victory for the
undefeated "Shooting Star".
It was so much easier to appreciate the humor of the situation when you weren't in the center of it.
And there was Kodachi, trailing after him from behind a light pole. He was pleased to note that
when he turned the remote in his pocket on to full power that she had indeed followed his instructions
as she collapsed into a moaning heap on the sidewalk. He wondered idly just how long she'd manage to
resist the sensation of the vibrators before she finally broke down.
After all, a work in progress could not be rushed.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
"I caught her just as instructed, My Master."
"Excellent."
He patted Kodachi on the head. She beamed happily at him in her streamlined gymnastic uniform.
He had trained her well.
"Mmmf!"
Ranma eyed the bound and gagged Azusa Shiratori with appreciation.
When she didn't talk or act like a kleptomaniac, the petite skater was actually very attractive.
Her struggling merely tightened the knots located at strategic points around her nearly naked form.
"Let me introduce you to Mr. Elephant. His name is Chin-chin and he is going to be the last adorable
friend you will ever need to have."
It looked like the Golden Pair was going to forfeit its match against Akane and Tatewaki due to a
lack of enough participants.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
"You delinquents! Untie me this instant!"
The bowls of fighting fish had been a good investment.
Kodachi and Azusa gave the struggling teacher identical smiles. Unlike the others they brought
to please the Master, this one was going to join them on a more permanent basis.
A distant cry of pain made them all pause.
Ranma sighed.
"I did tell him to gag Nabiki properly when he used the paddle on her ass."
Oh well, what kind of friend would he be if he didn't forgive occasional little mistakes like that?
_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_
-Loop XYZ
"Airen, Wife bring Lunch."
"AHHHH!!! P-CHAN!!"
Akane Tendo fainted dead away and hit the floor with a solid thud.
"Looks delicious, Shampoo."
Ranma studied the dish in front of him appreciatively.
Chinese style roast pork, with the meat expertly butterflied from the shoulders down
all the way to the bone, revealing a feast of tender white meat that oozed delicious smelling juices.
He accepted the mouthful that the amazon girl presented to him and chewed the tasty tidbit with satisfaction.
Explaining to her beforehand how he liked to his pork done had paid major dividends this time.
Whoever said revenge was a dish best served cold had obviously never sampled Shampoo's cooking.
He couldn't wait to see what she did with duck and beef.
_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_
-Loop ABC
Was there anything worse then being the only person who remembered going through every loop?
Ranma had long ago lost count of the number of times he'd tried to convince other people of
what was happening, it always ended badly. Either they didn't believe him or they decided
to try and use the loop to their own personal benefit. After the sixth time Nabiki had gotten
him killed he'd wised up and decided if he was going to stuck like this there was no point
in making things harder for himself.
Another round of meet the Tendos, sneak out during the night while everybody slept and go
run off to do something fun. He'd learned through trial and error that if he wanted to
avoid the standard eighteen month reset for a loop that he needed to stretch the boundaries
a bit. Getting into a stable relationship with any of the normal cast of fiancees guaranteed
him getting rebooted back to start one and a half years to the day, though of course that
could have had something to do with him tending to be murdered or accidently killed by
one or more of the girls or the rivals in that event.
He still hadn't forgiven Akane for punching him out of that airplane during their honeymoon
trip to Hawaii during one loop. To add insult to injury, he'd lasted just long enough in the water
to learn that she was the only fucking survivor of the ensuing depressurization of the cabin
and the crash at sea.
Oh well, live and learn.
What should he do this time?
"Yeah, yeah. I'm going already, Old Man."
He paid no attention to his father growling at him, he was not going to hurry up in this weather.
After all the trouble to get the hot water and the umbrella it would be a pain in the ass to show
up as a girl yet again at the Tendo place.
It had gotten to the point where he'd started to regularly break Soun Tendo's neck when he embraced her
on the first meeting simply on principle. But of course that led to all kinds of trouble until the loop ended.
Ranma was so busy thinking about what he was going to do later that he completely missed being directed to
the Dojo instead of the Tendo home until he slid open the door and faced Hell.
"Girls, there he is. My manly son."
The panda had fainted. No help from that direction.
"Ranma, this is Seo Eli,"
A tall tanned tomboyish girl with windblown silky white hair and wearing a boy's school uniform
studied him with suspicious eyes.
"Kasumi of the Mugen Tenshin,"
That outfit looked like it would fall apart under a stiff breeze. Definitely not the Kasumi he was familiar with.
"Kokoro,"
The very pretty dark haired girl smiled at him hesitantly.
He could only manage a very weak and sickly grin in return.
It couldn't be.
"Ayane,"
Purple hair and gaze of death. Looked like Shampoo had relatives. And that the Chinese Amazon had gotten
the leftovers when it came to allocating the breast size genes.
"Lei Fang,"
Oh good, a normal obsessed martial artist girl. He'd been starting to worry.
"Yuka Takeuchi,"
Oh no, not combat waitresses *again*!
"And Ibuki."
Ninjas, why did it always have to be ninjas?
He'd always wondered what could be worse then going through these loops all alone.
"Now ladies, remember that I want a good clean fight."
Now he knew.
"Let the Anything Goes Determine the Bride Tournament Begin!"
Having his obsessed perverted voyeur of a mother along for the ride.
_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_
-Loop 666
Ranma sighed and leaned back in his seat.
It was quiet in the classroom.
He'd decided not to rock the boat too much on this loop.
"AIIIEEEE!!!"
He looked out the window to see the mob of schoolgirls running across the grounds.
"HOTCHA BABY!! GIMME SOME SUGAR!!"
Aside from introducing Happosai to Viagra of course.
It would be interesting to see what he was planning to do with that hard-on half as big as he was.
_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_
-Loop MLVII
"Genma! What took you so long?! We were expecting you and your son months ago!!"
"Ahahaha! We had some trouble along the way that held us up longer then expected."
Ranma hid his smile under his hand as he pretended to cough.
He'd been busy the last few months in China. The old ghoul had finally exiled him from the Amazon
Village for "corrupting the morals" of every warrior who'd caught his eye. Shampoo and her kin
shouldn't be a problem now, not unless they intended to come to Japan for a couple dozen cases of
child support.
Make love, not war, indeed.
"Well anyway, you're here now and that's all that matters."
"So son, these are my daughters..."
Ranma tuned him out, the script never changed unless the Tendos changed line up and
so far it looked like this was going to be one of those boring normal loops.
"...so which one will you choose for your fiancee?"
Ah, there was his cue.
"Before we do that they will of course need to be tested."
"Tested?"
Soun looked blank.
"You know, the basics. Check for STDs, fertility, that they haven't already been knocked up by some other guy."
"ARE YOU CALLING MY DAUGHTERS EASY?!!"
"I dunno. Are they?"
The pigtailed martial artist leaned to the side to avoid the tea cup flying where his head had been a moment ago.
"You Jerk! How dare you imply that we're sluts!"
"I dunno, are you?"
Nabiki glared at him. Good, it was one of those little pleasures in his ever rewinding life that kept him sane, relatively speaking.
"And how do we know you're not an impotent disease ridden micro-dick?"
A thick manila folder hit the tea table with an audible thump.
"Eveything's there. Clean as a whistle, high sperm count and my measurements."
Somehow Kasumi got to the folder before Nabiki in that mysterious way she had of moving fast while looking slow.
"Oh my."
"Forget it, you sexist pig! I don't want anything to do with this engagement!"
"Okay then, you're off the list."
Akane's face seemed frozen between relief that she had been dismissed
immediately and rage that she had been dismissed so easily.
Nabiki sniffed and raised her nose up in that way he was all too familiar with.
Foxes and sour grapes indeed.
"You're cute, but not that cute."
Two down. Now just one more and he could go looking for one of the fighter tournaments.
The King of Fighters were always good for some interesting workouts and the sex wasn't anything
to sneer at either, even if he almost always had to fight off significant others afterwards.
Dead or Alive meant that asshole Zack, which was bad. But it also meant crazy chicks Helena and Ayane,
which was very very good. And if there was a Street Fighter bout this year he'd get to curb-stomp Akuma
and Ryu, which was almost worth the slim pickings on the horizontal mambo side. Fucking wangsty
"True path of the Fight" omnicidal emos.
"Would tomorrow be fine?"
He blinked.
"What?"
"I can visit Dr. Tofu's clinic for testing tomorrow. Would that be alright?"
Ranma's jaw dropped open and landed somewhere around his knees.
Then he saw the glint in those brown eyes.
Fuck. It was one of *those* Kasumis again.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Loop HWTF
"WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!!!"
Harry Saotome screamed to the heavens as he fled down the Nerima street.
"Jerk! Get back here!!"
Ginny Tendo's curses were hot on the boy's heels.
"Running won't solve anything, Harry!"
Hermione Tendo wasn't shooting, she was aiming.
"It doesn't matter anyway. The Beebleblots will eat the corns on his feet."
Even so, Luna Tendo still wasn't giving up the chase.
"Harri'! Beautiful wife make too too delicie'ux lunch!"
Beautiful half-amazon Fleur and her Broomstick of DEATH buzzed overhead.
"Harry!"
Normally Harry might have run towards Cho. Cho Kuonji and a Big Ass Quidich Paddle on the other hand....
"HELP ME!!!"
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
Ranma stood on the balcony of the hotel, enjoying the sights and the sounds below. Hild was waiting
for him back in bed, but this was one of those perfect moments you just had to witness for yourself
to really enjoy it.
"For my Glasses Goddess!!"
"DIE IN A FIRE DRACO!!"
The young man's grin could have swallowed his face.
"He's going to murder you when he finds out you're behind this, you know."
Ranma didn't even blink as Sasuke walked down the side of the building next to him.
"You mean *if* he find out."
Sasuke's expression looked puzzled until he saw what the other man was holding in one hand.
A horribly bright orange ninja outfit.
Ever so slowly, his mouth formed a matching grin to Ranma's own.
"If..if is good."
This would teach him not to do Yaoi Sexy Jutsus using them as body models!
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
-Loop De Loop
"So he's Ranma? He looks just like you, old friend!"
'He has such lovely eyes.'
'You can't have them.'
'Awwww. That's no fun!'
A hand grabbed him by the front of his shirt and lifted him up.
"You don't look so tough to me, human!"
Ah yes, another fucked up loop. Franken-Akane, oh the jokes he had to resist making there.
"Why don't you soften him up in the Dojo, Sis. It'll make him more tender."
Bee-girl Nabiki on the other hand, fairly creepy. Worse, it seemed to be a natural fit.
He hadn't seen Kasumi yet. Frankly, he was rather hoping to avoid her entirely if what he'd
seen so far was par for the course.
But first things first.
Ranma slipped out of his shirt as the electrically charged fist turned the silk into ashes.
"Time to play, Lilith."
A delicate looking hand popped out of his naked chest and seized Akane by her blue scarred neck,
lifting her entirely off the floor as a cheerful petite pink haired red eyed girl with small bat wings
on her head stepped out from somewhere inside Ranma's torso.
Her crimson and lavender outfit left little to the imagination.
"Oooh! A new toy!!"
"Yeah, try not to break them this time."
"Yes Dear."
The pigtailed boy turned away from the scene of carnage that ensued.
"What are you looking at, Mr. Tendo? I just had a little accident at Jusenkyo."
He would be glad when they finally found Morrigan and he could make this
little succubus leeching off of his soul *her* problem. The benefits of
not turning into a girl with cold water were seriously outweighed by having
to fuck or be eternally fucked over every night when the Darkstalker got hungry.
And the less said of the incident in the Chinese Vampire Amazon Village, the better.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
-Looped For Your Eyes Only
Four naked figures stared up at the endless blue sky.
"You told me you fixed that, Skuld."
"I did!"
The quartet suddenly started moaning for a few minutes before the conversation continued.
"Then why did I suddenly find myself with *six* angels in this loop?"
"It's not my fault!"
"You were responsible for debugging his arr-Aaahhh! Oooo! Ohhh noooo!! AAaaaaaa!"
Urd wiggled like a worm on a hook, her flawless tanned skin shiny with sweat
as she cried and begged for relief.
"And anyway, why did you have that, that *creature* in your soul in the first place?!!"
"Hey I didn't ask her to tag along, she just did it on her ow----ooohhhhh shit!!"
Ranma's eyes bugged out as the phantom sensations resonated with his body.
Next to him, Belldandy was crying quietly. He felt horrible.
"Look, I'm sorry about this. I know you got that Morisato guy-"
"I can't believe that all this time Keiichi was so bad at sex," sobbed Belldandy.
"...."
"...."
"...."
"Why can't he take control and ravish me over and over again like that,"
said the naked goddess in a desperate voice that none of those present
had ever heard from her before. And one that they prayed would never
ever hear again.
"Big Sister, get a hold of yourself!"
"No, no. That looks like it's part of the problem."
"Okay, I think this is even more disturbing then experiencing our angels
being turned into Lilith's personal harem."
"Oh really, what was your first clue, Saotome?"
"I finally realized that you are the normal one, Urd."
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
-Third Base Loop
"Ah."
Ranma stared at Skuld. Skuld stared back at him.
"This isn't what it looks like!"
A finger aimed at a point below his waist.
"So that demonic lolita isn't giving you a blowjob right in front of me?"
Ranma seemed to think about this for a moment.
"Alright, it's exactly what it looks like! But there's a very good explanation for it!"
"Really?"
He briefly considered this.
"Well no, not really. But it's not my fault!"
"Is that right?"
The pigtailed boy started to sweat.
"Um, would you believe it's probably not my fault?"
Out came the mallet.
"No."
"Oh damn."
--x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
"Ranma, it's time for dinn...er."
Kasumi stared at the scene in front of her.
Ranma tried to give her his most innocent expression. The effect was spoiled by him holding
onto a half-naked Skuld who was trying to pull a completely naked Lililth off of him and
the three of them forming a most suggestive equilateral.
"Oh my."
"This isn't what it looks like!"
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
-Meta Loop
Awareness returned.
Ranma opened his eyes and yawned. That complete fucking idiot Harry had tried to bust out
of their latest combined FUBAR loop by using the Time-turners. All of them. At the same time.
Getting a first hand view of his own intestines from the inside had been a new experience.
Granted, it had only been for a micro-second before every particle in their bodies instantly
achieved light speed in completely random directions, but still something he would have to find a way
to thank Potter for. Something nice like introducing him to Anko or Rukia at the next opportunity.
"There's a letter here for you, Ranma."
He took a moment to study Kasumi's profile. She rarely changed personalities in loops,
but when she did it was normally time to start running for the hills. This time she
looked normal enough though. And frankly after all the weird and painful shit in the last
couple of loops, he could do with a little quiet normality of plain old Nerima weirdness.
He took the envelope from her and slit it open.
Still feeling rather mellow, he read the letter.
'Found you at last you naughty naughty boy.
We'll be by shortly to see you. Prepare yourself.
xxxxxxxx
-Y, T & M'
The young man scratched his head. What a weird note.
'P.S. If you or Genma run you'll both get it in the end.'
Comprehension dawned.
A challenge letter! He hadn't done one of those in ages!
Ranma grinned. He couldn't wait, something comforting and familar at last!
He couldn't wait to try out some of the stuff he'd learned over the loops but had
never had a chance to actually use.
After all, what was the worst that could happen?
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
-YAFUL
Ranma sat in the tavern and studied the full mug in front of him with air of a man determined
to drown his sorrows in a metaphorical ocean using an equally metaphorical killer asteroid.
Oh Kami, that last loop. That last loop...
He shuddered.
The doors of the tavern swung open behind him and three young men walked inside.
It didn't take them long to spot him, the hill of empty bottles was a dead giveaway.
"What the heck happened? Where are we," demanded the first figure, dressed in a brown jedi outfit.
Ranma didn't even look up.
"Coruscant."
Anakin Skywalker frowned at him.
"Since when does the planet travel on top of four elephants standing on the back of a gigantic space turtle?!"
"Since we got stuck in a fused loop with Discworld."
"But it violates every rule of physics!"
"So does the Force, what's your point? Nothing's impossible, merely improbable."
A bright orange clad figure elbowed the Jedi aside and grinned widely at Saotome.
"We just heard from Ichigo that you got your ass kicked by a bunch of girls in that last fused loop!"
It wasn't that Naruto actively disliked the other anchor, it was just that more often then not Ranma
tended to rub other anchors the wrong way after awhile. While Uzumaki was widely acknowledged as the
"first" looping case, Saotome had by general consensus been acknowledged as the most experienced anchor,
given how short most of his loops tended to be. But that seemed to be what had given him three things
which worked to piss off even the most even tempered of anchors. A cynical attitude that apparently took
a great deal of pleasure in teaching the other loopers by painful example. A tongue honed to damn near
perfection when it came to insults and dead pan snark. And worst of all, the martial arts skill to keep
everyone else from killing him prematurely as a result of the other two things.
Now a rare chance for comeuppance had come.
Ranma drained his mug and didn't look up.
"I don't wanna talk about it."
The pigtailed young man refilled his mug with a smoking bottle and tossed the empty container to the pile
beside him.
All of the other patrons and the barkeep watched him like nervous cats.
Nobody should be able to drink that much pure scumble without spontanously exploding.
"T'ain't natural. That kind of drinking would kill a normal man."
YES. I AGREE.
The barkeep felt a chill run down his spine but couldn't put his finger on why.
"So is it true," Sasuke asked.
Ranma glowered at him.
"I said I don't wanna talk about it."
"This wouldn't by any chance have something to do with that
pink haired terror you had with you awhile ago?"
"You mean the one that tramatized Sakura so much that she was actually chaste for our next few loops?"
The flinch was so small and so fast only the Sharingan caught it.
"So what happened?"
Saotome seemed to slump slightly as he gave up.
"Unohana happened. With Yoruichi."
"And?"
"I was married to them. At the same time."
"That still doesn't explain how-"
"They brought *friends*."
A strange shout from the entrance caught their attention.
"Dudez! Jackpot!"
"Mistress Etna, we found him!"
Ranma covered his face with both hands.
"oh no."
The other three stared at what had to be the oddest penguins they'd ever seen.
And then at the indecently clad red haired loli that stepped in after them.
Naruto started to laugh.
"Delicious flat chest! Your Waifu awaits, Ranma!"
The pigtailed boy quietly hid under the table as a huge red aura popped up into the visual spectrum.
"My name is Etna. You insulted my figure. Prepare to die."
THIS WILL NOT END WELL.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
-Loop Experiences You
"Mr. Xellos, do you know this person?"
Ranma just smiled at the Mazoku. It was a happy smile. The upturned
grin of a man who had waited hundreds of loops for this day.
"That is a secret."
Xellos's voice faltered a little as his customary smirk wilted under that
increasingly creepy joyful expression on a mortal plaything he'd enjoyed
several loops of torment on.
"And this is an Asswhupping."
The pigtailed young man pulled out a pistol shaped object and held the barrel to the
side of his head. Then he pulled the trigger. That loop had been fucking insane,
but he'd picked up a thing or two from it.
"LILITH! BLACK FROST! ALICE!"
Just the look on the purple haired bastard's face as the three forms manifested around
the mazoku made his own upcoming ordeal of satisfying the succubus in his soul for the
next month without complaint in exchange for this favor worth it.
Xellos tried to run. Emphasis on "tried".
"And my little bow and arrow!"
"Did that little girl form a bow with the wings on her back and stick Xellos in as the arrow?"
"Yep."
Lina considered this for a moment. Then she embraced Ranma tightly.
"OHTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!!!"
"Keep watching, it's about to get even better."
The cute giant black flaming snowman with its cheerful hat whipped out a long metal bat.
"Oh dear, is that bat on fire?"
Ranma's grin was from ear to ear.
"Yes."
Even as he crashed into the ground a good distance away, completely on fire, the trickster priest
knew he was going to get Saotome back for this. It look a lot to kill a mazoku and Ranma
just didn't have it.
"Die for Me."
Xellos looked up to see an army of blank faced playing cards armed with giant spears raining down on him.
"Son of a-"
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
-Isn't it Sad, Loop-chan?
"See you later, baby."
Potter was the first one to find his voice as the heartstopping figure gave the reclining martial artist
an ass pat before sauntering out, every male gaze locked on her barely concealed rear and long bare legs.
"Who is she?"
Ranma didn't even bother to open his eyes.
"Don't bother, she's out of your league. Very much so."
The strength of Uzumaki's glare should have by all rights set him as the recipient ablaze.
"WHY DO YOU ALWAYS GET THESE SMOKING HOT CHICKS WHENEVER WE FUSE A LOOP?!!"
The pigtailed young man cracked open one eye and gave the group watching him an irritated look.
"For starters, because I'm not a complete fucking bastard."
"And what's that supposed to mean?"
Somehow that one eye managed to do a roll at Skywalker that indicated both contempt and annoyance.
"Gee, where to start?"
The eye swerved back towards Harry and Naruto.
"Nation-wide blood-magic sacrifices on the scale of genocide-"
The two flinched back despite themselves.
"-Galaxy gun that fires inhabited planets as bullets-"
Anakin winced.
"-Dude, she was in a fucking coma-"
Ikari looked like he was going to be sick.
"-and then there's you, Ichigo. Shit, I can't even begin to describe just how fucking messed up what you did was."
Kurosaki was white as a sheet.
"But-how-I never told anyone?!"
"You're all lousy drunks. And you talk in your sleep."
"As I recall, you blew up a planet or two yourself."
"Yeah, by accident. I've never set out with mass murder and destruction as a fucking goal!"
None of them would meet that eye.
"Everyone I've ever shit on in a loop had it coming to them and that includes
all of you guys. But even I got standards and lines I don't cross."
Ranma watched them shuffle shamefaced out of the room.
He grinned.
He wondered how long it would take them to realize that the mesmorizing vision
which had been sitting on his lap was Lilith's adult form.
And then....
"SAOTOME, YOU ASSHOLE!!"
The young man closed his eyes and relaxed as the sounds of a desperate battle erupted outside.
Always keep them on their toes.
It left them with less time to plot payback against him.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
-More Dakka Loop
"Now witness the firepower of this fully armed and operational battlestation!"
Luke had heard it all a thousand times before.
But the sensation of space literally cracking all around them was new.
"Hey, Luke. Fancy meeting you here."
Skywalker blinked and turned. It couldn't be...
"Yo."
It was.
"Oh no. Not you, Saotome."
But the pigtailed boy wasn't looking at him.
"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!"
"THAT'S WHAT I WANNA KNOW!"
"LORD VADER! DISPOSE OF THIS MOCKERY!!"
"MANLY GENMA! GET RID OF THESE WRINKLED OLD ASSHOLES!!"
It was undignified for a Jedi's jaw to hit the floor.
"What the hell-"
"Looks like the Norns blew a fuse on the crossdimensional code run again.
I haven't seen those two in a long long time."
Blue-white Sith Lightning was met by Red Sith Lightning that
to Luke's complete amazement also seemed to be on fire
at the same time.
"Who?"
"The Dark Porn of the Sith, Emperor Fukkosai."
There was the sound of synthetic armor being hit by a lot more synthetic armor.
"Did that Masked Armored Panda just belly bounce Vader across the room?"
"Yep. Manly Genma. My dad. Want some popcorn?"
Skywalker looked. Yes, the other young man did indeed have a bag of popcorn in front of him.
He mentally shrugged and reached for a handful.
"So which side are we rooting for here?"
"Casualties."
"I can live with that."
Outside of the newly rechristened DickStar, the Battle of Endor turned into something
so horribly wrong that all forces involved would later deny ever being there.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
-Brain Bleach Loop
Ranma felt a chill run through his bones that had nothing to do with the sensation of
this loop's internal universal laws depowering his normal skill set of outrageous
martial arts and assorted tricks he'd picked up over the many many many loops.
It happened sometimes. Some loops insisted that no, you could not go beyond the impossible
and kick reality to the curb. Naturally these tended to be fused and sucked donkey balls.
He wondered which dumb shit had caused this one. Ichigo had finally given up since the last
mindbender had him replacing Aizen and everyone else on all three planes trying to kill him.
He hoped it wasn't Negi, the boy had just started looping and Ranma sincerely hoped he would
would have a faster learning curve on what not to do after being told not to do them then some
of the others had. The kid was the freaking poster child for woobiedom.
And Springfield tended to draw female attention away from everyone else when in the same vicinity,
which was a nice bonus. He'd had the first peaceful vacation in Hild only knew how many loops
thanks to him and Ranma figured he owed the little wizard big for that.
But back to the current situation, he had a really bad feeling about this one.
His mood didn't improve any when he saw who else had wound up here.
"Fuck, I should have known one of you idiots was responsible for this."
Naruto and Harry both gave him the finger.
"Blow me, Saotome."
"Kiss a Nazgul."
He let the insults bounce off him without comment. After so long it was just another way of saying hello.
"Well, time to see what foxy ladies are available!"
"It'll be nice to get away from Luna and Ginny for a change. What about you, Ranma?"
Ranma actually considered this seriously.
"I think I'll try a committed monogamous relationship for a change."
"Suit yourself."
"Looks like the horse became a mule."
He watched them wander off to hit on some school girls down the hall.
Ranma really was wondering now why he felt it would really be in his best interests
to just play nice and brush up on his cuddling. Well, his instincts had never been
proven wrong...except for that time with Luna....and Sakura....and Aoi.
Well, almost never wrong. Usually.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
Uzumaki felt good as he and his first date (of many to come) walked down the street.
The Fox wasn't here to nag him and for the first time ever in their fused loops,
he was going to be the star player and Saotome was going to be left in the background.
He shot a grin at Harry who had also managed to hook up with a rather genki girl that
Naruto was also looking forward to getting to know better in the near future.
So many women, so little time.
"It's over there."
He looked to where his female companion was pointing. What was her name again, Koto-something
or the other. Cute girl, a bit quiet but stacked to the max! He could hardly wait!
"Oh yeah! Nice boat!"
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
-This Loops for You
Ranma cracked open a coconut and took a swig of the sweet milk.
"Yeah, this is the life."
All alone on a tropical island after the typhoon that had caught him and Genma on their way to China.
No getting rescued and engaged to Yakuza Mermaids, landing on a remote island full of nubile girls
who hadn't seen men in 10 years (his hips twinged just remembering that loop) or being captured by
curious sea nymphs and brought to the Sea Goddess's palace beneath the ocean.
He was celebrating six months of celibacy today!
Best Vacation Loop EVER!
He lay back in his hammock and enjoyed the cool sea breeze in the shade of the palms.
Ranma had his day all planned out. A nice long nap followed by some late afternoon fishing and
then dinner and then a nice long snooze under the stars. No fighting, no martial arts practice,
just peace and quiet.
He closed his eyes.
Somethings surfaced from the sea and stepped onto the beach.
Ranma started to snore.
It walked up to him, unzipping the black wetsuit and producing a Desert Eagle.
"Wake up."
"Don't wanna."
Saotome tried to ignore presence of another person standing over him. As long as he didn't open his eyes
he could pretend that this was just a figment of his imagination.
"My name is Tanya and I am here on behalf of the Allied Nations to secure your assistance, Mr. Saotome."
"Go away!"
He opened his eyes and glared at the busty blonde American who had her hand gun not pointed at him, but
not exactly pointed away from him either.
"I'm afraid I can't do that."
"Why not?"
She pointed.
"That's why."
Hating himself for what he knew he should know better then to do, Ranma looked where she was pointing.
"You have got to be shitting me."
There were planes flying towards his island with large colorful banners flying behind them.
They looked like Japanese Flags, except the red sphere in the middle had been replaced by an
all too familiar face.
And then he heard the blaring from the speakers.
"Hail Empress Akane! Goddess of the Rising Sun! Resistance is Futile! Viva Small Breasts!!"
The pigtailed boy didn't think there was a face palm big enough for what he felt right now.
And then the fifty foot tall four-armed Robot Samurai Kuno erupted out of the sea.
"Oh this is so gonna suck."
As he fell into a fighting stance, Ranma wished he knew who the hell was responsible for this travesty.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
His glasses glinted ominously in the mostly darkened room.
White gloved hands touched at the fingertips over the large wooden desk.
"Exactly as planned."
Ikari Shinji chuckled softly.
Beware the Quiet Ones.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
-I Like Big Loops And I Can Not Lie
"Yep, it's a magical tattoo on your back."
Negi hung his head at Ranma's confirmation.
"What does it say?"
"'Belongs to Morrigan Aensland.'"
The (currently) ten year old teacher slumped even further.
"Could this situation possibly get any worse?"
Ranma nodded.
"Sure it will once Evangeline sees it."
The brown haired boy's whole body began to twitch sporadically.
"Master is going to...going to...."
Ranma simply shook his head. He himself might be obsessed about training in exotic martial arts
but he wasn't *that* crazy. It had surprised him to find that Negi Springfield of all people would
go to such extremes and levels of training that made even Ranma blaunch with sheer horror.
"Try not to think about it," he said as kindly as he could.
"But has anything like this ever happened to you before?"
Saotome sighed and unbuttoned his shirt. Then he turned around.
Springfield's mouth fell open.
'This is Skuld's' had been crossed out with 'Urd's' which had been overwritten by 'Hild's' and was
in turn buried by 'Venus, Mars, Pluto, Uranus, Neptune' that was almost lost under 'Serenity's, Bitches!'
which was eclipsed by 'Lilith is here!' that was overruled by 'Property of Lina (strike) Luna Inverse'
and then someone had written over that 'LON's stud on demand'.
And on and on it went all over the entire visible surface.
"We're doomed, aren't we?"
"Yes Negi. We certainly are."
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
-108 Loops just aren't enough
"The Final Round of the Sacred Games will now commence!"
Ranma cracked his knuckles happily. He wasn't sure what kind of loop this supposed to be.
He'd woken up in some kind of fantasy kingdom and he hadn't seen either his father or the Tendos yet.
Fortunately there seemed to be an abundance of brigands and monsters that all carried the local currency
on their bodies so food and shelter hadn't been a problem.
Having nothing better to do while he waited for the reset, Saotome had decided to enter what seemed
to be the local fighting tournament. He just wished that he could understand the locals better, either
their dialect seemed to be awfully old fashioned or there was another bug in the loop again.
Oh well, it had been fairly disappointing so far. One of the guys he'd looked forward to fighting had
been disqualified and the other one had collapsed during their semi-final match from what looked like
food poisoning. That just left the psycho, whom Ranma had mentally dubbed "Suck and Fail Kuno-Lite"
rather then try and remember the giggling whitehaired fighter's actual name.
"Kekekekekeke!!"
Ranma rolled his eyes as his opponent danced around the ring. Suckie was being about as suble as a battering
ram with his killing intent. He wondered if Mr. Fail knew about the poisoning of his last opponent. It would
certainly make sense since someone had tried to do the same thing to him. Pity he was such an untrusting bastard
that he'd made sure the pretty maid trying to feed him had eaten it instead. What kind of gullible idiot did they
think he was, Naruto?
He avoided the arm blades and hit the barechested fighter twice in the stomach.
It didn't seem to phase him.
Ranma sighed. Drugged up too, damn these Godwins seemed to be a real bunch of petty cheaters.
"DIE!!"
Crazy guy came in fast with a dual cross cut of his blades aimed at Ranma's chest.
Naturally, he wasn't there.
"Wha?!"
"Yo, down here."
Childerich looked down at Ranma's smiling face. Then he saw where Ranma's feet were aimed at.
Even as pumped up as he was on Nether Gate's secret combat drugs, the man's eyes widened in
pure dread.
"Saotome Special Technique, March of the Nutcracker!!"
Horrified silence filled the stands of the arena. The only sound was that of Ranma's feet doing
what could only be described a rapid fire inverted stomping that was actually lifting Childerich
off of the ground and launching him upwards as Saotome used his hands to push off from the arena
floor and send himself soaring along, his legs never ceasing their relentless marathon all the way.
Childerich hit the ground hard, white foam spilling out of his mouth. Drugs or no drugs,
the white haired fighter was not going to get up from that any time soon.
"Winner, Saotome Ranma!"
The applause was hesitant at first, then strengthened as more and more people uncrossed their legs.
Ranma wiped some dust from his face and hoped the victory feast would be good.
He wondered how much the Grand Prize was, it would be nice to have enough to
do a little sightseeing in a new place like this.
"All hail the victor of the Sacred Games!"
'Yeah, yeah. Get on with it. I'm starving.'
"And the winner of the Princess Lymsleia's hand in marriage!"
'What?'
He looked up.
"NO!! NOT AGAIN!!!!"
The Loops had started vary their placements a bit in the last couple of rounds,
offering a slight variety that was a welcome change.
Or not so welcome in this case.
Ranma reflected that were was nothing so annoying as to be killed by his fiancee
in one loop only to wake up with a headache from having her smash his head with
a table at the beginning of the next one.
Fuck it. He was going to let loose on this one.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
"Ah, the sweet tigress Akane Tendo."
There went the rose.
Out came his blowgun. Wait for it, and shoot!
Down went Akane just as she caught the flower.
Ranma applauded loudly to Tatewaki as the blowgun vanished into his pants.
"Bravo! An excellent use of a poisoned projectile to defeat your opponent!"
"Eh?! But-I didn't-"
The flabbergasted look on Kuno's face was priceless.
And the rumor mill in the background about the Kendo boy's unsportsmanlike approach was merely a bonus.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
"What? That scheming sister of the virtuous Akane desires me?!"
"Yep. Why else would she hang around you all the time
selling items from her sister to you at vastly inflated prices?"
It was a novel concept but Ranma had great hopes that it would penetrate to what passed for Kuno's mind.
It was probably an inhuman act of cruelty to set Nabiki out in front the path that led to Tatewaki Kuno's obsessions.
"I must...consider what you have told me."
"Suit yourself. Just remember that she'll deny it just like Akane if pressed."
But she had it coming.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
"Where do you think you're going, boy?"
"A friend's house. Can't just hang around here like a bunch of freeloaders now can we?"
"And which friend would this be?"
"Tatewaki Kuno."
The spit-takes were a joy to watch.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
"Dear Sir, please take this bouquet!"
Ah, Kodachi. He'd been looking forward to this for several loops.
"Allow me, my sweet maiden."
Ranma smiled as he took the black roses from Kodachi. Then he blew the paralysis poison
that had been heavily dusted on the blooms right back into her unsuspecting face.
The pigtailed martial artist caught her as she fell, immobilized but still concious.
His grin widened at the sight of her beautiful eyes widened in alarm.
"And now my dear, we shall start your education in the Art of pleasing your Master."
He gave her breasts an appreciative feel through the thin material of her leotard.
There were no ropes around, but a gymnastic ribbon served just as well.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
"What are you so happy about, Pervert?"
Ranma said nothing, but made a mental note to make Mikaido's job easier
with some of Kodachi's special pollen when the ice skating started.
That would give Kuno yet another target to go after in his eternal quest to woo and protect Akane.
And with the help of his "good friend", would lead to yet another victory for the
undefeated "Shooting Star".
It was so much easier to appreciate the humor of the situation when you weren't in the center of it.
And there was Kodachi, trailing after him from behind a light pole. He was pleased to note that
when he turned the remote in his pocket on to full power that she had indeed followed his instructions
as she collapsed into a moaning heap on the sidewalk. He wondered idly just how long she'd manage to
resist the sensation of the vibrators before she finally broke down.
After all, a work in progress could not be rushed.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
"I caught her just as instructed, My Master."
"Excellent."
He patted Kodachi on the head. She beamed happily at him in her streamlined gymnastic uniform.
He had trained her well.
"Mmmf!"
Ranma eyed the bound and gagged Azusa Shiratori with appreciation.
When she didn't talk or act like a kleptomaniac, the petite skater was actually very attractive.
Her struggling merely tightened the knots located at strategic points around her nearly naked form.
"Let me introduce you to Mr. Elephant. His name is Chin-chin and he is going to be the last adorable
friend you will ever need to have."
It looked like the Golden Pair was going to forfeit its match against Akane and Tatewaki due to a
lack of enough participants.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
"You delinquents! Untie me this instant!"
The bowls of fighting fish had been a good investment.
Kodachi and Azusa gave the struggling teacher identical smiles. Unlike the others they brought
to please the Master, this one was going to join them on a more permanent basis.
A distant cry of pain made them all pause.
Ranma sighed.
"I did tell him to gag Nabiki properly when he used the paddle on her ass."
Oh well, what kind of friend would he be if he didn't forgive occasional little mistakes like that?
_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_
-Loop XYZ
"Airen, Wife bring Lunch."
"AHHHH!!! P-CHAN!!"
Akane Tendo fainted dead away and hit the floor with a solid thud.
"Looks delicious, Shampoo."
Ranma studied the dish in front of him appreciatively.
Chinese style roast pork, with the meat expertly butterflied from the shoulders down
all the way to the bone, revealing a feast of tender white meat that oozed delicious smelling juices.
He accepted the mouthful that the amazon girl presented to him and chewed the tasty tidbit with satisfaction.
Explaining to her beforehand how he liked to his pork done had paid major dividends this time.
Whoever said revenge was a dish best served cold had obviously never sampled Shampoo's cooking.
He couldn't wait to see what she did with duck and beef.
_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_
-Loop ABC
Was there anything worse then being the only person who remembered going through every loop?
Ranma had long ago lost count of the number of times he'd tried to convince other people of
what was happening, it always ended badly. Either they didn't believe him or they decided
to try and use the loop to their own personal benefit. After the sixth time Nabiki had gotten
him killed he'd wised up and decided if he was going to stuck like this there was no point
in making things harder for himself.
Another round of meet the Tendos, sneak out during the night while everybody slept and go
run off to do something fun. He'd learned through trial and error that if he wanted to
avoid the standard eighteen month reset for a loop that he needed to stretch the boundaries
a bit. Getting into a stable relationship with any of the normal cast of fiancees guaranteed
him getting rebooted back to start one and a half years to the day, though of course that
could have had something to do with him tending to be murdered or accidently killed by
one or more of the girls or the rivals in that event.
He still hadn't forgiven Akane for punching him out of that airplane during their honeymoon
trip to Hawaii during one loop. To add insult to injury, he'd lasted just long enough in the water
to learn that she was the only fucking survivor of the ensuing depressurization of the cabin
and the crash at sea.
Oh well, live and learn.
What should he do this time?
"Yeah, yeah. I'm going already, Old Man."
He paid no attention to his father growling at him, he was not going to hurry up in this weather.
After all the trouble to get the hot water and the umbrella it would be a pain in the ass to show
up as a girl yet again at the Tendo place.
It had gotten to the point where he'd started to regularly break Soun Tendo's neck when he embraced her
on the first meeting simply on principle. But of course that led to all kinds of trouble until the loop ended.
Ranma was so busy thinking about what he was going to do later that he completely missed being directed to
the Dojo instead of the Tendo home until he slid open the door and faced Hell.
"Girls, there he is. My manly son."
The panda had fainted. No help from that direction.
"Ranma, this is Seo Eli,"
A tall tanned tomboyish girl with windblown silky white hair and wearing a boy's school uniform
studied him with suspicious eyes.
"Kasumi of the Mugen Tenshin,"
That outfit looked like it would fall apart under a stiff breeze. Definitely not the Kasumi he was familiar with.
"Kokoro,"
The very pretty dark haired girl smiled at him hesitantly.
He could only manage a very weak and sickly grin in return.
It couldn't be.
"Ayane,"
Purple hair and gaze of death. Looked like Shampoo had relatives. And that the Chinese Amazon had gotten
the leftovers when it came to allocating the breast size genes.
"Lei Fang,"
Oh good, a normal obsessed martial artist girl. He'd been starting to worry.
"Yuka Takeuchi,"
Oh no, not combat waitresses *again*!
"And Ibuki."
Ninjas, why did it always have to be ninjas?
He'd always wondered what could be worse then going through these loops all alone.
"Now ladies, remember that I want a good clean fight."
Now he knew.
"Let the Anything Goes Determine the Bride Tournament Begin!"
Having his obsessed perverted voyeur of a mother along for the ride.
_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_
-Loop 666
Ranma sighed and leaned back in his seat.
It was quiet in the classroom.
He'd decided not to rock the boat too much on this loop.
"AIIIEEEE!!!"
He looked out the window to see the mob of schoolgirls running across the grounds.
"HOTCHA BABY!! GIMME SOME SUGAR!!"
Aside from introducing Happosai to Viagra of course.
It would be interesting to see what he was planning to do with that hard-on half as big as he was.
_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_
-Loop MLVII
"Genma! What took you so long?! We were expecting you and your son months ago!!"
"Ahahaha! We had some trouble along the way that held us up longer then expected."
Ranma hid his smile under his hand as he pretended to cough.
He'd been busy the last few months in China. The old ghoul had finally exiled him from the Amazon
Village for "corrupting the morals" of every warrior who'd caught his eye. Shampoo and her kin
shouldn't be a problem now, not unless they intended to come to Japan for a couple dozen cases of
child support.
Make love, not war, indeed.
"Well anyway, you're here now and that's all that matters."
"So son, these are my daughters..."
Ranma tuned him out, the script never changed unless the Tendos changed line up and
so far it looked like this was going to be one of those boring normal loops.
"...so which one will you choose for your fiancee?"
Ah, there was his cue.
"Before we do that they will of course need to be tested."
"Tested?"
Soun looked blank.
"You know, the basics. Check for STDs, fertility, that they haven't already been knocked up by some other guy."
"ARE YOU CALLING MY DAUGHTERS EASY?!!"
"I dunno. Are they?"
The pigtailed martial artist leaned to the side to avoid the tea cup flying where his head had been a moment ago.
"You Jerk! How dare you imply that we're sluts!"
"I dunno, are you?"
Nabiki glared at him. Good, it was one of those little pleasures in his ever rewinding life that kept him sane, relatively speaking.
"And how do we know you're not an impotent disease ridden micro-dick?"
A thick manila folder hit the tea table with an audible thump.
"Eveything's there. Clean as a whistle, high sperm count and my measurements."
Somehow Kasumi got to the folder before Nabiki in that mysterious way she had of moving fast while looking slow.
"Oh my."
"Forget it, you sexist pig! I don't want anything to do with this engagement!"
"Okay then, you're off the list."
Akane's face seemed frozen between relief that she had been dismissed
immediately and rage that she had been dismissed so easily.
Nabiki sniffed and raised her nose up in that way he was all too familiar with.
Foxes and sour grapes indeed.
"You're cute, but not that cute."
Two down. Now just one more and he could go looking for one of the fighter tournaments.
The King of Fighters were always good for some interesting workouts and the sex wasn't anything
to sneer at either, even if he almost always had to fight off significant others afterwards.
Dead or Alive meant that asshole Zack, which was bad. But it also meant crazy chicks Helena and Ayane,
which was very very good. And if there was a Street Fighter bout this year he'd get to curb-stomp Akuma
and Ryu, which was almost worth the slim pickings on the horizontal mambo side. Fucking wangsty
"True path of the Fight" omnicidal emos.
"Would tomorrow be fine?"
He blinked.
"What?"
"I can visit Dr. Tofu's clinic for testing tomorrow. Would that be alright?"
Ranma's jaw dropped open and landed somewhere around his knees.
Then he saw the glint in those brown eyes.
Fuck. It was one of *those* Kasumis again.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Loop HWTF
"WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!!!"
Harry Saotome screamed to the heavens as he fled down the Nerima street.
"Jerk! Get back here!!"
Ginny Tendo's curses were hot on the boy's heels.
"Running won't solve anything, Harry!"
Hermione Tendo wasn't shooting, she was aiming.
"It doesn't matter anyway. The Beebleblots will eat the corns on his feet."
Even so, Luna Tendo still wasn't giving up the chase.
"Harri'! Beautiful wife make too too delicie'ux lunch!"
Beautiful half-amazon Fleur and her Broomstick of DEATH buzzed overhead.
"Harry!"
Normally Harry might have run towards Cho. Cho Kuonji and a Big Ass Quidich Paddle on the other hand....
"HELP ME!!!"
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
Ranma stood on the balcony of the hotel, enjoying the sights and the sounds below. Hild was waiting
for him back in bed, but this was one of those perfect moments you just had to witness for yourself
to really enjoy it.
"For my Glasses Goddess!!"
"DIE IN A FIRE DRACO!!"
The young man's grin could have swallowed his face.
"He's going to murder you when he finds out you're behind this, you know."
Ranma didn't even blink as Sasuke walked down the side of the building next to him.
"You mean *if* he find out."
Sasuke's expression looked puzzled until he saw what the other man was holding in one hand.
A horribly bright orange ninja outfit.
Ever so slowly, his mouth formed a matching grin to Ranma's own.
"If..if is good."
This would teach him not to do Yaoi Sexy Jutsus using them as body models!
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
-Loop De Loop
"So he's Ranma? He looks just like you, old friend!"
'He has such lovely eyes.'
'You can't have them.'
'Awwww. That's no fun!'
A hand grabbed him by the front of his shirt and lifted him up.
"You don't look so tough to me, human!"
Ah yes, another fucked up loop. Franken-Akane, oh the jokes he had to resist making there.
"Why don't you soften him up in the Dojo, Sis. It'll make him more tender."
Bee-girl Nabiki on the other hand, fairly creepy. Worse, it seemed to be a natural fit.
He hadn't seen Kasumi yet. Frankly, he was rather hoping to avoid her entirely if what he'd
seen so far was par for the course.
But first things first.
Ranma slipped out of his shirt as the electrically charged fist turned the silk into ashes.
"Time to play, Lilith."
A delicate looking hand popped out of his naked chest and seized Akane by her blue scarred neck,
lifting her entirely off the floor as a cheerful petite pink haired red eyed girl with small bat wings
on her head stepped out from somewhere inside Ranma's torso.
Her crimson and lavender outfit left little to the imagination.
"Oooh! A new toy!!"
"Yeah, try not to break them this time."
"Yes Dear."
The pigtailed boy turned away from the scene of carnage that ensued.
"What are you looking at, Mr. Tendo? I just had a little accident at Jusenkyo."
He would be glad when they finally found Morrigan and he could make this
little succubus leeching off of his soul *her* problem. The benefits of
not turning into a girl with cold water were seriously outweighed by having
to fuck or be eternally fucked over every night when the Darkstalker got hungry.
And the less said of the incident in the Chinese Vampire Amazon Village, the better.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
-Looped For Your Eyes Only
Four naked figures stared up at the endless blue sky.
"You told me you fixed that, Skuld."
"I did!"
The quartet suddenly started moaning for a few minutes before the conversation continued.
"Then why did I suddenly find myself with *six* angels in this loop?"
"It's not my fault!"
"You were responsible for debugging his arr-Aaahhh! Oooo! Ohhh noooo!! AAaaaaaa!"
Urd wiggled like a worm on a hook, her flawless tanned skin shiny with sweat
as she cried and begged for relief.
"And anyway, why did you have that, that *creature* in your soul in the first place?!!"
"Hey I didn't ask her to tag along, she just did it on her ow----ooohhhhh shit!!"
Ranma's eyes bugged out as the phantom sensations resonated with his body.
Next to him, Belldandy was crying quietly. He felt horrible.
"Look, I'm sorry about this. I know you got that Morisato guy-"
"I can't believe that all this time Keiichi was so bad at sex," sobbed Belldandy.
"...."
"...."
"...."
"Why can't he take control and ravish me over and over again like that,"
said the naked goddess in a desperate voice that none of those present
had ever heard from her before. And one that they prayed would never
ever hear again.
"Big Sister, get a hold of yourself!"
"No, no. That looks like it's part of the problem."
"Okay, I think this is even more disturbing then experiencing our angels
being turned into Lilith's personal harem."
"Oh really, what was your first clue, Saotome?"
"I finally realized that you are the normal one, Urd."
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
-Third Base Loop
"Ah."
Ranma stared at Skuld. Skuld stared back at him.
"This isn't what it looks like!"
A finger aimed at a point below his waist.
"So that demonic lolita isn't giving you a blowjob right in front of me?"
Ranma seemed to think about this for a moment.
"Alright, it's exactly what it looks like! But there's a very good explanation for it!"
"Really?"
He briefly considered this.
"Well no, not really. But it's not my fault!"
"Is that right?"
The pigtailed boy started to sweat.
"Um, would you believe it's probably not my fault?"
Out came the mallet.
"No."
"Oh damn."
--x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
"Ranma, it's time for dinn...er."
Kasumi stared at the scene in front of her.
Ranma tried to give her his most innocent expression. The effect was spoiled by him holding
onto a half-naked Skuld who was trying to pull a completely naked Lililth off of him and
the three of them forming a most suggestive equilateral.
"Oh my."
"This isn't what it looks like!"
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
-Meta Loop
Awareness returned.
Ranma opened his eyes and yawned. That complete fucking idiot Harry had tried to bust out
of their latest combined FUBAR loop by using the Time-turners. All of them. At the same time.
Getting a first hand view of his own intestines from the inside had been a new experience.
Granted, it had only been for a micro-second before every particle in their bodies instantly
achieved light speed in completely random directions, but still something he would have to find a way
to thank Potter for. Something nice like introducing him to Anko or Rukia at the next opportunity.
"There's a letter here for you, Ranma."
He took a moment to study Kasumi's profile. She rarely changed personalities in loops,
but when she did it was normally time to start running for the hills. This time she
looked normal enough though. And frankly after all the weird and painful shit in the last
couple of loops, he could do with a little quiet normality of plain old Nerima weirdness.
He took the envelope from her and slit it open.
Still feeling rather mellow, he read the letter.
'Found you at last you naughty naughty boy.
We'll be by shortly to see you. Prepare yourself.
xxxxxxxx
-Y, T & M'
The young man scratched his head. What a weird note.
'P.S. If you or Genma run you'll both get it in the end.'
Comprehension dawned.
A challenge letter! He hadn't done one of those in ages!
Ranma grinned. He couldn't wait, something comforting and familar at last!
He couldn't wait to try out some of the stuff he'd learned over the loops but had
never had a chance to actually use.
After all, what was the worst that could happen?
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
-YAFUL
Ranma sat in the tavern and studied the full mug in front of him with air of a man determined
to drown his sorrows in a metaphorical ocean using an equally metaphorical killer asteroid.
Oh Kami, that last loop. That last loop...
He shuddered.
The doors of the tavern swung open behind him and three young men walked inside.
It didn't take them long to spot him, the hill of empty bottles was a dead giveaway.
"What the heck happened? Where are we," demanded the first figure, dressed in a brown jedi outfit.
Ranma didn't even look up.
"Coruscant."
Anakin Skywalker frowned at him.
"Since when does the planet travel on top of four elephants standing on the back of a gigantic space turtle?!"
"Since we got stuck in a fused loop with Discworld."
"But it violates every rule of physics!"
"So does the Force, what's your point? Nothing's impossible, merely improbable."
A bright orange clad figure elbowed the Jedi aside and grinned widely at Saotome.
"We just heard from Ichigo that you got your ass kicked by a bunch of girls in that last fused loop!"
It wasn't that Naruto actively disliked the other anchor, it was just that more often then not Ranma
tended to rub other anchors the wrong way after awhile. While Uzumaki was widely acknowledged as the
"first" looping case, Saotome had by general consensus been acknowledged as the most experienced anchor,
given how short most of his loops tended to be. But that seemed to be what had given him three things
which worked to piss off even the most even tempered of anchors. A cynical attitude that apparently took
a great deal of pleasure in teaching the other loopers by painful example. A tongue honed to damn near
perfection when it came to insults and dead pan snark. And worst of all, the martial arts skill to keep
everyone else from killing him prematurely as a result of the other two things.
Now a rare chance for comeuppance had come.
Ranma drained his mug and didn't look up.
"I don't wanna talk about it."
The pigtailed young man refilled his mug with a smoking bottle and tossed the empty container to the pile
beside him.
All of the other patrons and the barkeep watched him like nervous cats.
Nobody should be able to drink that much pure scumble without spontanously exploding.
"T'ain't natural. That kind of drinking would kill a normal man."
YES. I AGREE.
The barkeep felt a chill run down his spine but couldn't put his finger on why.
"So is it true," Sasuke asked.
Ranma glowered at him.
"I said I don't wanna talk about it."
"This wouldn't by any chance have something to do with that
pink haired terror you had with you awhile ago?"
"You mean the one that tramatized Sakura so much that she was actually chaste for our next few loops?"
The flinch was so small and so fast only the Sharingan caught it.
"So what happened?"
Saotome seemed to slump slightly as he gave up.
"Unohana happened. With Yoruichi."
"And?"
"I was married to them. At the same time."
"That still doesn't explain how-"
"They brought *friends*."
A strange shout from the entrance caught their attention.
"Dudez! Jackpot!"
"Mistress Etna, we found him!"
Ranma covered his face with both hands.
"oh no."
The other three stared at what had to be the oddest penguins they'd ever seen.
And then at the indecently clad red haired loli that stepped in after them.
Naruto started to laugh.
"Delicious flat chest! Your Waifu awaits, Ranma!"
The pigtailed boy quietly hid under the table as a huge red aura popped up into the visual spectrum.
"My name is Etna. You insulted my figure. Prepare to die."
THIS WILL NOT END WELL.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
-Loop Experiences You
"Mr. Xellos, do you know this person?"
Ranma just smiled at the Mazoku. It was a happy smile. The upturned
grin of a man who had waited hundreds of loops for this day.
"That is a secret."
Xellos's voice faltered a little as his customary smirk wilted under that
increasingly creepy joyful expression on a mortal plaything he'd enjoyed
several loops of torment on.
"And this is an Asswhupping."
The pigtailed young man pulled out a pistol shaped object and held the barrel to the
side of his head. Then he pulled the trigger. That loop had been fucking insane,
but he'd picked up a thing or two from it.
"LILITH! BLACK FROST! ALICE!"
Just the look on the purple haired bastard's face as the three forms manifested around
the mazoku made his own upcoming ordeal of satisfying the succubus in his soul for the
next month without complaint in exchange for this favor worth it.
Xellos tried to run. Emphasis on "tried".
"And my little bow and arrow!"
"Did that little girl form a bow with the wings on her back and stick Xellos in as the arrow?"
"Yep."
Lina considered this for a moment. Then she embraced Ranma tightly.
"OHTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!!!"
"Keep watching, it's about to get even better."
The cute giant black flaming snowman with its cheerful hat whipped out a long metal bat.
"Oh dear, is that bat on fire?"
Ranma's grin was from ear to ear.
"Yes."
Even as he crashed into the ground a good distance away, completely on fire, the trickster priest
knew he was going to get Saotome back for this. It look a lot to kill a mazoku and Ranma
just didn't have it.
"Die for Me."
Xellos looked up to see an army of blank faced playing cards armed with giant spears raining down on him.
"Son of a-"
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
-Isn't it Sad, Loop-chan?
"See you later, baby."
Potter was the first one to find his voice as the heartstopping figure gave the reclining martial artist
an ass pat before sauntering out, every male gaze locked on her barely concealed rear and long bare legs.
"Who is she?"
Ranma didn't even bother to open his eyes.
"Don't bother, she's out of your league. Very much so."
The strength of Uzumaki's glare should have by all rights set him as the recipient ablaze.
"WHY DO YOU ALWAYS GET THESE SMOKING HOT CHICKS WHENEVER WE FUSE A LOOP?!!"
The pigtailed young man cracked open one eye and gave the group watching him an irritated look.
"For starters, because I'm not a complete fucking bastard."
"And what's that supposed to mean?"
Somehow that one eye managed to do a roll at Skywalker that indicated both contempt and annoyance.
"Gee, where to start?"
The eye swerved back towards Harry and Naruto.
"Nation-wide blood-magic sacrifices on the scale of genocide-"
The two flinched back despite themselves.
"-Galaxy gun that fires inhabited planets as bullets-"
Anakin winced.
"-Dude, she was in a fucking coma-"
Ikari looked like he was going to be sick.
"-and then there's you, Ichigo. Shit, I can't even begin to describe just how fucking messed up what you did was."
Kurosaki was white as a sheet.
"But-how-I never told anyone?!"
"You're all lousy drunks. And you talk in your sleep."
"As I recall, you blew up a planet or two yourself."
"Yeah, by accident. I've never set out with mass murder and destruction as a fucking goal!"
None of them would meet that eye.
"Everyone I've ever shit on in a loop had it coming to them and that includes
all of you guys. But even I got standards and lines I don't cross."
Ranma watched them shuffle shamefaced out of the room.
He grinned.
He wondered how long it would take them to realize that the mesmorizing vision
which had been sitting on his lap was Lilith's adult form.
And then....
"SAOTOME, YOU ASSHOLE!!"
The young man closed his eyes and relaxed as the sounds of a desperate battle erupted outside.
Always keep them on their toes.
It left them with less time to plot payback against him.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
-More Dakka Loop
"Now witness the firepower of this fully armed and operational battlestation!"
Luke had heard it all a thousand times before.
But the sensation of space literally cracking all around them was new.
"Hey, Luke. Fancy meeting you here."
Skywalker blinked and turned. It couldn't be...
"Yo."
It was.
"Oh no. Not you, Saotome."
But the pigtailed boy wasn't looking at him.
"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!"
"THAT'S WHAT I WANNA KNOW!"
"LORD VADER! DISPOSE OF THIS MOCKERY!!"
"MANLY GENMA! GET RID OF THESE WRINKLED OLD ASSHOLES!!"
It was undignified for a Jedi's jaw to hit the floor.
"What the hell-"
"Looks like the Norns blew a fuse on the crossdimensional code run again.
I haven't seen those two in a long long time."
Blue-white Sith Lightning was met by Red Sith Lightning that
to Luke's complete amazement also seemed to be on fire
at the same time.
"Who?"
"The Dark Porn of the Sith, Emperor Fukkosai."
There was the sound of synthetic armor being hit by a lot more synthetic armor.
"Did that Masked Armored Panda just belly bounce Vader across the room?"
"Yep. Manly Genma. My dad. Want some popcorn?"
Skywalker looked. Yes, the other young man did indeed have a bag of popcorn in front of him.
He mentally shrugged and reached for a handful.
"So which side are we rooting for here?"
"Casualties."
"I can live with that."
Outside of the newly rechristened DickStar, the Battle of Endor turned into something
so horribly wrong that all forces involved would later deny ever being there.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
-Brain Bleach Loop
Ranma felt a chill run through his bones that had nothing to do with the sensation of
this loop's internal universal laws depowering his normal skill set of outrageous
martial arts and assorted tricks he'd picked up over the many many many loops.
It happened sometimes. Some loops insisted that no, you could not go beyond the impossible
and kick reality to the curb. Naturally these tended to be fused and sucked donkey balls.
He wondered which dumb shit had caused this one. Ichigo had finally given up since the last
mindbender had him replacing Aizen and everyone else on all three planes trying to kill him.
He hoped it wasn't Negi, the boy had just started looping and Ranma sincerely hoped he would
would have a faster learning curve on what not to do after being told not to do them then some
of the others had. The kid was the freaking poster child for woobiedom.
And Springfield tended to draw female attention away from everyone else when in the same vicinity,
which was a nice bonus. He'd had the first peaceful vacation in Hild only knew how many loops
thanks to him and Ranma figured he owed the little wizard big for that.
But back to the current situation, he had a really bad feeling about this one.
His mood didn't improve any when he saw who else had wound up here.
"Fuck, I should have known one of you idiots was responsible for this."
Naruto and Harry both gave him the finger.
"Blow me, Saotome."
"Kiss a Nazgul."
He let the insults bounce off him without comment. After so long it was just another way of saying hello.
"Well, time to see what foxy ladies are available!"
"It'll be nice to get away from Luna and Ginny for a change. What about you, Ranma?"
Ranma actually considered this seriously.
"I think I'll try a committed monogamous relationship for a change."
"Suit yourself."
"Looks like the horse became a mule."
He watched them wander off to hit on some school girls down the hall.
Ranma really was wondering now why he felt it would really be in his best interests
to just play nice and brush up on his cuddling. Well, his instincts had never been
proven wrong...except for that time with Luna....and Sakura....and Aoi.
Well, almost never wrong. Usually.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
Uzumaki felt good as he and his first date (of many to come) walked down the street.
The Fox wasn't here to nag him and for the first time ever in their fused loops,
he was going to be the star player and Saotome was going to be left in the background.
He shot a grin at Harry who had also managed to hook up with a rather genki girl that
Naruto was also looking forward to getting to know better in the near future.
So many women, so little time.
"It's over there."
He looked to where his female companion was pointing. What was her name again, Koto-something
or the other. Cute girl, a bit quiet but stacked to the max! He could hardly wait!
"Oh yeah! Nice boat!"
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
-This Loops for You
Ranma cracked open a coconut and took a swig of the sweet milk.
"Yeah, this is the life."
All alone on a tropical island after the typhoon that had caught him and Genma on their way to China.
No getting rescued and engaged to Yakuza Mermaids, landing on a remote island full of nubile girls
who hadn't seen men in 10 years (his hips twinged just remembering that loop) or being captured by
curious sea nymphs and brought to the Sea Goddess's palace beneath the ocean.
He was celebrating six months of celibacy today!
Best Vacation Loop EVER!
He lay back in his hammock and enjoyed the cool sea breeze in the shade of the palms.
Ranma had his day all planned out. A nice long nap followed by some late afternoon fishing and
then dinner and then a nice long snooze under the stars. No fighting, no martial arts practice,
just peace and quiet.
He closed his eyes.
Somethings surfaced from the sea and stepped onto the beach.
Ranma started to snore.
It walked up to him, unzipping the black wetsuit and producing a Desert Eagle.
"Wake up."
"Don't wanna."
Saotome tried to ignore presence of another person standing over him. As long as he didn't open his eyes
he could pretend that this was just a figment of his imagination.
"My name is Tanya and I am here on behalf of the Allied Nations to secure your assistance, Mr. Saotome."
"Go away!"
He opened his eyes and glared at the busty blonde American who had her hand gun not pointed at him, but
not exactly pointed away from him either.
"I'm afraid I can't do that."
"Why not?"
She pointed.
"That's why."
Hating himself for what he knew he should know better then to do, Ranma looked where she was pointing.
"You have got to be shitting me."
There were planes flying towards his island with large colorful banners flying behind them.
They looked like Japanese Flags, except the red sphere in the middle had been replaced by an
all too familiar face.
And then he heard the blaring from the speakers.
"Hail Empress Akane! Goddess of the Rising Sun! Resistance is Futile! Viva Small Breasts!!"
The pigtailed boy didn't think there was a face palm big enough for what he felt right now.
And then the fifty foot tall four-armed Robot Samurai Kuno erupted out of the sea.
"Oh this is so gonna suck."
As he fell into a fighting stance, Ranma wished he knew who the hell was responsible for this travesty.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
His glasses glinted ominously in the mostly darkened room.
White gloved hands touched at the fingertips over the large wooden desk.
"Exactly as planned."
Ikari Shinji chuckled softly.
Beware the Quiet Ones.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
-I Like Big Loops And I Can Not Lie
"Yep, it's a magical tattoo on your back."
Negi hung his head at Ranma's confirmation.
"What does it say?"
"'Belongs to Morrigan Aensland.'"
The (currently) ten year old teacher slumped even further.
"Could this situation possibly get any worse?"
Ranma nodded.
"Sure it will once Evangeline sees it."
The brown haired boy's whole body began to twitch sporadically.
"Master is going to...going to...."
Ranma simply shook his head. He himself might be obsessed about training in exotic martial arts
but he wasn't *that* crazy. It had surprised him to find that Negi Springfield of all people would
go to such extremes and levels of training that made even Ranma blaunch with sheer horror.
"Try not to think about it," he said as kindly as he could.
"But has anything like this ever happened to you before?"
Saotome sighed and unbuttoned his shirt. Then he turned around.
Springfield's mouth fell open.
'This is Skuld's' had been crossed out with 'Urd's' which had been overwritten by 'Hild's' and was
in turn buried by 'Venus, Mars, Pluto, Uranus, Neptune' that was almost lost under 'Serenity's, Bitches!'
which was eclipsed by 'Lilith is here!' that was overruled by 'Property of Lina (strike) Luna Inverse'
and then someone had written over that 'LON's stud on demand'.
And on and on it went all over the entire visible surface.
"We're doomed, aren't we?"
"Yes Negi. We certainly are."
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
-108 Loops just aren't enough
"The Final Round of the Sacred Games will now commence!"
Ranma cracked his knuckles happily. He wasn't sure what kind of loop this supposed to be.
He'd woken up in some kind of fantasy kingdom and he hadn't seen either his father or the Tendos yet.
Fortunately there seemed to be an abundance of brigands and monsters that all carried the local currency
on their bodies so food and shelter hadn't been a problem.
Having nothing better to do while he waited for the reset, Saotome had decided to enter what seemed
to be the local fighting tournament. He just wished that he could understand the locals better, either
their dialect seemed to be awfully old fashioned or there was another bug in the loop again.
Oh well, it had been fairly disappointing so far. One of the guys he'd looked forward to fighting had
been disqualified and the other one had collapsed during their semi-final match from what looked like
food poisoning. That just left the psycho, whom Ranma had mentally dubbed "Suck and Fail Kuno-Lite"
rather then try and remember the giggling whitehaired fighter's actual name.
"Kekekekekeke!!"
Ranma rolled his eyes as his opponent danced around the ring. Suckie was being about as suble as a battering
ram with his killing intent. He wondered if Mr. Fail knew about the poisoning of his last opponent. It would
certainly make sense since someone had tried to do the same thing to him. Pity he was such an untrusting bastard
that he'd made sure the pretty maid trying to feed him had eaten it instead. What kind of gullible idiot did they
think he was, Naruto?
He avoided the arm blades and hit the barechested fighter twice in the stomach.
It didn't seem to phase him.
Ranma sighed. Drugged up too, damn these Godwins seemed to be a real bunch of petty cheaters.
"DIE!!"
Crazy guy came in fast with a dual cross cut of his blades aimed at Ranma's chest.
Naturally, he wasn't there.
"Wha?!"
"Yo, down here."
Childerich looked down at Ranma's smiling face. Then he saw where Ranma's feet were aimed at.
Even as pumped up as he was on Nether Gate's secret combat drugs, the man's eyes widened in
pure dread.
"Saotome Special Technique, March of the Nutcracker!!"
Horrified silence filled the stands of the arena. The only sound was that of Ranma's feet doing
what could only be described a rapid fire inverted stomping that was actually lifting Childerich
off of the ground and launching him upwards as Saotome used his hands to push off from the arena
floor and send himself soaring along, his legs never ceasing their relentless marathon all the way.
Childerich hit the ground hard, white foam spilling out of his mouth. Drugs or no drugs,
the white haired fighter was not going to get up from that any time soon.
"Winner, Saotome Ranma!"
The applause was hesitant at first, then strengthened as more and more people uncrossed their legs.
Ranma wiped some dust from his face and hoped the victory feast would be good.
He wondered how much the Grand Prize was, it would be nice to have enough to
do a little sightseeing in a new place like this.
"All hail the victor of the Sacred Games!"
'Yeah, yeah. Get on with it. I'm starving.'
"And the winner of the Princess Lymsleia's hand in marriage!"
'What?'
He looked up.
"NO!! NOT AGAIN!!!!"