Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ Kenshin Parody, Book 2 ❯ Chapter 3

"Jenny! Shut up and run like a bitch!" cried Kelly, bolting away from the Kenshin-gumi, and towards the backdoor.

"Oi!" Sano cried the only word he knew besides Cadbury. The five freaks chased after the girls, sounding like a pack of wild pandas. Megumi even stopped to eat some bamboo on the way.

Kelly pulled Jenny through the backdoor of the dojo, just as the Kenshin-gumi went past them.

They both breathed a sigh of relief. Jenny was the first to speak up, "Ok, only go for the valuables, no cheap stuff. I get Kenshin's sword, you get Yahiko's shoes."

"Since when did this become a robbery?" Kelly asked, slapping Jenny upside her melon head, "These people are poor as hell anyways! Just look at this living room. No furniture, no carpet, shit, they couldn't even afford a table with longer legs!"

Jenny looked down shaking her head sadly, "Well, looks like I'm about to break it too." She suddenly jumped on the table, laughing when the legs broke off.

"Uhhh, rrright."

"I think I heard them in here Kaoru-dono," said a feminine voice that could've only belonged to Sano, err, I mean Kenshin.

Jenny hid in the corner, holding a plant before her head. Kelly on the other hand stood her ground like some sort of retarded 1-800-general NOW. "Jenny! Git out here and help me beat these jerks down!"

Jenny just shook the plant in return.

Kenshin walked into the room, his hand almost touching his sword's handle. He saw Kelly, "What are you doing in here?"

"I have to tell you something," Kelly said, pretending to reach for an imaginary katana, "I'm your mother's brother's uncle's friend's sister's shabadoo." The room was totally silent at this remark, except for the insane giggling of one plant.

"Oro?" Kenshin looked confused, complete with swirly eyes.

Megumi stepped forward, eyes flashing, serious face, whore-wear included, "What are you doing in Ken-san's house? Tell me right this instant!"

"Kenshin's house…" Kaoru repeated, trying not to bust some skulls.

"We've come…for the child," said Kelly, pointing at Yahiko, "He said the magic words and must become a goblin!"

"Toby!" cried the plant.

Suddenly Kelly clicked one of the buttons on the remote. Words jumped out of nowhere, landing in front of the Kenshin-gumi. As Kenshin spoke, the words were exactly what he said. Kelly looked on in wondrous wonderment that was wonderful.

"Jenny! Look at the subtitles!" Kelly pointed at the fading `Oro?' beneath Kenshin.

Jenny dropped the plant and ran out, but not before breaking it down like some 80's dancer, `Ahh hee hee heee!" She did a moonwalk, grabbed at herself, and then slid next to Kelly, biting her lower lip and going, "AAHHHHH!!!"

"Get outta here right now," threatened a giant poultry, "I don't wanna have to get rough with you."

The girls were too busy watching the magical words. They mouthed along with everything he said.

"This is awesome!" cried Jenny, looking at the remote. She clicked a button marked `Truth'.

Kaoru suddenly shook like an epileptic on crank, "Kenshin! I love you and want you right here on this broken table!!"

Kenshin looked shocked for a minute, "Kaoru-dono… You mealy-mouthed bitch. I hate you! You turned me on to men!"

Sano wrapped his arm around Kenshin's waist, "Yeah Jou-chan, he's my man!"

"I'm an over-opinionated whore of a doctor that hides my true love for Dr. Genzai by pretending that I'm in love with a raggedy Ann doll of a rurouni. I also wouldn't mind having wild monkey sex with Sanosuke on my front doorstop while the neighbors watched!" shouted Megumi, spinning around.

"Kaoru…" Yahiko said quietly, "I try your kimonos on when you're not home."

Kelly just stared at Jenny crazily. There was a loud knock on the door, and then a few minutes later Saito Hajime, King of Kings, Pimpmaster 42 his-damn-self, walked the hell in.

"Saito!!" cried Jenny, preparing to lunge. She stopped when she saw the romantic look in his scary ass criminally insane eyes, "Saito? Are you going to tell me what I want to hear because I hit the truth button and maybe deep down in that Grinch-like heart of yours you actually have fallen helplessly in love with me? I hope…"

"Jenny… I… I…" he stepped closer to her, holding his arms out, "I still hate you!" With that, he slapped her upside her head, "What in the name of everything good and decent are you two doing back here?! I was called from my honeymoon so I could deal with some troublemakers that were in the area. I should have known that it was you two morons." He glanced over at Kenshin and Sano, who were slow dancing to the sound of Kaoru's sobs, "What the hell are they doing?"

Kelly snatched the remote back. "That's why I didn't give it to you in the first place. I thought you were anti Sano x Kenshin," Kelly said, hitting the truth button again, causing all those horrible words to vanish. Sano and Kenshin stopped dancing and looked at each other awkwardly.

"I am, but I can't help that that's what the truth button said."

Kelly squinted and looked at the remote again. "Hol' up. Don't even say 'truth'! It says 'hurt', you dyslexic wench!"

"Wha'? Lemme see," Jenny said. "Well, I'll be an aardvark's niece! It does say 'hurt'! All right! That means there's hope for me and Saito yet!"

"No, there isn't hope for you and me. There isn't even hope for just you. Do I have to take you back to jail with me, or are you going to behave?" Saito said.

Jenny and Kelly looked at each other. "C'mon now," they said in unison.

Saito sighed. "Battousai, I will come and get them tomorrow morning. Keep them here and out of trouble until then."

"Wait!!! Saito-chan, you can't leave me! And it was Kenshin who got us into this mess in the first place by telling us that you wanted to meet us on Ruffian's Row!" Jenny cried.

Saito turned very sloooowly towards Jenny. "You will not call me '-chan' again, do you hear me!?"

"Aghghghghghghhgghhg," Jenny said, drooling.

"That's 'ok' in slobber language, Saito," Kelly said, not quite as affected by the sexy Shinsengumi wa sanban no taicho, Saito Hajime.

"Thank you for that clarification," he said sarcastically.

"Tsk. Bad attitude much? Jenny was right when she said she picked it up from you." Saito turned his evil yet arousing glare to her. "Anyways, Kenshin's more at fault than we are!"

"You have a point, which I hate to admit. Battousai, what did you do?"

"Ah, Saito, they were destroying the Akabeko again. I had to think up something to get them to leave."

"We were not destroying the Akabeko, ya damn liar!" Jenny piped up, coming down from cloud Saito. "We were merely taking advantage of the good service there!"

"And the sake. Don't forget the sake," Kelly said, her eyes going sparkly as she remembered her affairs with the euphoric alcohol.

Saito rubbed his eyes. "Look, it's been 2 months since you left. I was getting used to the peace. Now, you will stay here until I come back tomorrow morning. Can I trust that you'll stay?"

Jenny and Kelly lowered their heads and spoke quietly to each other, as if devising a plan (which they most likely were). They both looked up at the same time.

"Yeah, we'll stay till you come get us tomorrow," Kelly said.

Saito raised an eyebrow. "That was easy. What's the catch."

Jenny miraculously kept her composure during the eyebrow thing. "You have to promise us that you'll take us on a tour of Tokyo."

Saito raised both hands, and Kenshin looked like he was about to be sick.

"Demo, I don't think you should be seen..." Kenshin trailed off.

"Neither one of you are fit to go out in public. You're too loud, and you wouldn't fit in with those clothes," Kaoru said.

"Man, you all sure know how to bust someone's dreams. Well, get us some clothes. We don't have any of your money, but we could work out a trade, don't you think?" Jenny said.

Sano yawned. "It's late. Why don't we all sleep on it and come back tomorrow."

"The aho is right. I'll be back at noon."

"Ah, Saito-san," Kaoru asked, "Would you like to stay here for tonight? I mean, isn't it a long way home?"

Kelly grabbed a hold of Jenny and dug in her heels as Jenny's control finally snapped.

"Absolutely not. I don't want to be around these two any longer than I have to. I'm going home to my wife and my bed."

"Ahhhhhhh! Saito, you've finally come to the Jenny side of the force! Where's the bed at? Huh?" she asked, jumping onto Saito's shoulders. "Woohoo, ride 'em cowboy!"

Saito tossed her off like a piece of salad from a fork, "When I say wife, I mean Tokio. Not Jenny!"

Before Jenny could again mount him like a rhino in heat, he darted for the door calling, "I'll be back tomorrow! Behave!"

"Well, ain't dis a bitch," snorted Jenny, watching her blueberry sex on a stick leave the Kamiya Dojo.

Kelly turned to the stunned five-some behind her, "So, who we shacking up with? I must warn whoever sleeps in the same room as Jenny though. Sometimes during the night she gets confused. She thinks Saito is the one next to her and she can usually mess a body up." Kelly rolled up her shirtsleeve and gestured to bite marks on her arm, "See this shit? At first I thought some sort of possum was doing it."

Jenny looked at Kelly's arm, a confused look on her face, "Hey! You got that when I beat your ass for calling my head huge! Remember? You cried and pleaded like a midget about to get stepped on by a size eleven! Then you wet your pants, talking some shit about having a urinary tract infection. Then you-Mmmmmmhhhhghhghgbnnnjjjffftttt." Kelly slapped a hand across Jenny's mouth, literally trying to suffocate the no good donkey spanker.

"Well?" Kelly said, ignoring Jenny's purple face, "We'd like to go to our rooms now, or do you want more things to get broken?" She picked up a vase and hung it on her pinky, letting it dangerously sway back and forth.

Kaoru immediately ushered the girls into an empty room, chucked some futons their way, and slid the door shut loudly.

"Whatever happened to service with a smile?" asked Jenny, getting comfy.

"Went out the damn door and past the spiky haired idiot," replied Kelly, gesturing to Sano's silhouette on the door. A lone "OI!" was heard on the wind as they drifted off to sleep.

DA DA DA! MORNING!

The morning light streamed through the open window, accompanied by delicious egg Mcmuffins and hash browns singing `we love to see you smile'.

Jenny moaned in her sleep unhappily, "No! No!!! I don't want to serve the obese and hairy public! Mom! Make Ronald die! Please! Stay the fuck away from me Hamburgler… You convict for all ages! Birdy? Stop leaving your crap on the counter! What will the customers think?"

Kelly watched the whole sad ordeal. She decided Jenny had had enough, so she chucked a shoe at her round, succulent head.

Jenny awoke with a start, rubbing the back of her noggin, "Ow… What the hell? Hurt my whole left side… Someone call me a damn paramedic…"

Kelly just laughed, "Mornin' jerk. You know what today is, right?"

"Christmas? Thanksgiving? Oooooh! I know! Buy one McChicken get one free, right?"

"No you waste of space," Kelly cried, slapping her forehead, "Saito said he'd be coming for us at noon! It's `Tour Tokyo Day'! You misguided fool!"

Suddenly Jenny jumped up from her bed, "Holy cripes! Saito is coming and I look like a total Norwegian bum!" She paced back and forth, trying not to fall over from the immense gravitational pull her head created, "We gotta look nice today! No more hairy armpits! No more wooky legs! And above all, we need some decent clothing! I really don't think this Sloth shirt will impress the guy…" She looked at her own tattered rags sadly.

"Hey no prob!" said Kelly brightly, "We can just go to Megumi for some dressing advice. She's almost like a whore or something."

Megumi opened her door reluctantly, "What do you want?"

"We need to become total sexy bitches before noon today," said Jenny, "Not quite you though. We don't want to scare people."

Megumi sighed unhappily. The sooner she got rid of these freaks the better. She pushed Jenny into the nearest bathtub and approached her slowly, holding a razor and soap, "If I'm going to help you two, I want your full obedience."

Jenny raised her hands in terror, "No. No! Not the razor!!! Not the razor!!!!!! Keeeelllllyyyyy!!!"

Kelly grimaced in the other room, listening to Jenny's cries of pain. Her turn would soon come, and she had grown rather fond of the jungle of hair that gathered under her arms.

Thirty minutes later, Jenny emerged from the bathroom. Her face was pale, eyes sunken, "K-Kelly… It was terrible! She shaved me in all sorts of places… I can't even mention half of them… Terrible…"

Kelly screamed for help as Megumi pulled her into the room of hairless death, "Please God!! Noooooooo!" Before the door closed a poof of dark hair sprinkled the air.

Another half an hour later and both girls were nair-tastic. Megumi dusted her hands off busily, eyeing her handiwork, "Well now. We got the hard part out of the way. Now we need to find you clothes to wear."

Jenny raised her hand weakly, "But we don't have any money. I can't sell any blood either. I lost half of it in the tub with you."

Megumi looked at her severely, "I didn't nick you that much. Now, what are your favorite colors?"

Kelly thought for a moment, "Well, I really like black. Green is pretty. But I think I'll go with a yellow shade today. It reminds me of Aoshi… Agghhhhhhh…."

"And you?"

"Um, blue I `spose," replied Jenny, smearing makeup on her face, "I look like you now Megumi!" She turned around, looking more like Bozo the Clown than anything else.

"Um, ok." Megumi rummaged through her closet, looking for some old clothes, "Ah ha! I've got the prefect things!" She turned around with two plain looking kimonos. One was a light yellow, and the other a light blue.

Kelly frowned, "What the hell are we, paupers? I don't want to be walking around like some sort of reject bag lady today. Don't you have something a little nicer?"

"Fuck the damn kimonos," said Jenny, "Can I get some Victoria Secret up in here? I don't plan on leaving the bedroom, if you know what I mean."