Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ Kenshin Parody, Book 2 ❯ Chapter 19

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

Chapter 19

"I ain't lettin' go of sheeeit, so it's either make ridiculously wild chimp love to me, or I snap your arm like an anorexic model sucking on an ice cube," Jenny threatened, slightly squeezing Saito's arm just to prove she could do it.

"She ain't bluffing Saito," Kelly yelled out from the general vicinity of the floor, hogtied as she was, "I've seen her mangle full beer cans between those muthas!"

For a few seconds, Saito looked as if he was about to take Jenny up on her offer, but instead he grabbed a Swiss Army knife from out of his ass and started sawing his own arm off. "Nothing cutting off a limb won't solve," he growled, grinding his teeth as blood ran down his arm.

"Aughhhh! Noooooo, Saito!" Jenny bellowed, releasing her death-grip on his arm. "You're of no use to me armless! Though you would definitely make up for that in other areas. . Rheeeheehe-ELL!"

Saito was already on her with the quickness.

Ten minutes of wriggling later, Jenny and Kelly were tied back-to-back in the center of the room. Both men, now fully clothed, looked down on them with sinister expressions on their faces.

"You know, Jenny, at this rate we'll never get laid," Kelly remarked dryly, trying to will her tongue to reach Aoshi's groin.

"What shall we do with them, Shinomori?" Saito asked, lighting a cigarette. He stared at them reflectively, as if he couldn't decide what torture to use first.

“…”

"Gang bang us?" Jenny asked hopefully, grinning as Saito leaned down towards her. Instead of raping her senseless, as she would have preferred, he just blew smoke in her face. "Hwaaack. Was that a yes? Huh? Huh?? Was it? Do me baby! Do the humpty hump!"

"No."

"..."

"C'mon guys," Kelly reasoned, "Can't we work it out? There must be something from us that you want. Like a Krispy Kreme donut or some shit? I bet you'd suck a dick for one of those. I sure would. I'd suck two if I had to."

Aoshi scratched his head thoughtfully, but didn't say anything.

"Hey! Saito's full-on chubbie is off limits!" Jenny cried, bashing her watermelon head into Kelly's.

Saito snorted, "We already have what we want from you." He dangled the remote before them, snatching it back when Kelly lunged at it with her mouth. "As soon as we figure out how to use it, we'll both be returning home."

"Yeah right, good luck with that Egg FooYoung. Damn fools can't even understand the buttons." Jenny laughed hysterically, rocking back and forth like a maniac. "So as you can see, resistance is futile. Strip down, cuz it's time for a booty call!"

"I have a feeling that you both will be quite helpful in this area of expertise. Or else." He shoved the remote under Kelly's nose. "Which button sends us home? Speak!"

"Ew man, that shit probably has cooter juices on it!" Kelly whined. "Get it awayyyy!"

"Shut up, you little moron. Tell me which button to press!"

"Or what?"

"Else."

“Come on Saito. I know you can do better than that. I'm not scared at all. Do it again, this time with feeeeewing.”

Saito backhanded the shit outta her. “I am losing my patience!”

“Waaaaaaah!” cried Kelly.

Saito made to backhand her again, but Aoshi stepped in front of him. “Wait. Let me handle this.”

“Thank you Aoshi-sama! Saito's so mean! He hit me!”

Aoshi smiled at her. “Will you tell me which button sends us home? I promise I won't let Saito hurt you anymore,” Aoshi said, his voice dripping with honey. Kelly even stuck her tongue out to catch some.

Saito snorted in disgust. “I don't think she's going to fall for that…”

“It's the one that says `play'! Just push it once! Can I have a kiss?”

“Kelly! You fucking drunken German gynecologist! Why'd you tell him that?” Jenny roared, trying to kick the shit outta Kelly's dumb ass.

“Meehhh! He smiled at me! And he's gonna keep the big bad wolf from molesting me some more!”

Aoshi looked over the remote. “Which one is `play'?”

“Oh for fucks sake, give it here,” Saito snapped, and snatch the device out of his grasp. He accidentally pushed a button as he did. Everything started to move backwards.

“.ereh ti evig ,ekas skcuf rof hO”

“?'yalp' si eno chihW”

“!erom emos em gnitselom flow dab gib eht peek s'eh dnA !em ta delims eH !hhheeM”

Saito hit another button.

“Meehhh!Hesmiledatme!Andhe'sgonnakeepthebigbadwolffromm olestingmesomemore!” “Whichoneis`play'?” “Ohforfuckssake,giveithere.”

“Wow. I had no idea the remote worked like that,” Jenny said, shaking her head.

“No shit. That's some freaky ass stuff. Like a 40 year old titty on a Sunday afternoon,” Kelly said.

“Will you shut up! I don't need a blow-by-blow from the likes of you two!” Saito yelled, and started to look at the remote. Upon finding what seemed to be the right one, he pushed it. Nothing happened. “Did you give me the wrong one?” he yelled again.

“What the hell. You're the one who grabbed it. We didn't give you shit!” Jenny declared, tossing her head and popping Kelly in the coconut.

Since she was used to getting randomly nailed by Jenny's head, Kelly ignored it, but she was squirming a little in her seat. “Can one of you throw a blanket over me or something? It's a tit bit nipply here. Look,” she said, sticking out her chest, “I could cut glass with these bitches.”

Saito rolled his eyes. “Shinomori, cover the girl.”

“Easy breezy beautiful cover girl!” Jenny sang for no decent reason.

“Preferably with you hot hot hot body, Aoshi,” Kelly said, and blushed.

Aoshi didn't see any blanket type things lying around, so he threw his trench coat over her. Head.

“What the fuck? C'mon, now I can't see. And there's sooooo much to see!”

“I really don't care what you see,” Aoshi said, and grabbed another remote.

“Wait, wait, wait. This has to be the right one. I pulled it out…of no man's land. Why won't it work?” Saito said, hand on chin.

“Hmm, I was gonna say that I took the batteries out of it, but then why would it rewind and fast forward?” Jenny said, looking smartith.

“I've got it,” Kelly said from under the covers, “Saito caught one, right? And he ripped another one off of you. The one he got from you apparently doesn't do the transportation thing, probably because you had it taped to your damn leg like a drag queen cat. So the one he caught or the one Aoshi's got right now is the transportation remote.” During this rather long explanation of the story since everyone involved was getting confused, her head had worked its way out from under Aoshi's coat. Her hair was all staticky and poking out every which way.

“So, all we have to do is find the play button on these two and see which one works?” Saito asked.

“Fuck, you think I'm gonna tell you that? If I'm gonna be tied up, I at least want to be able to look at you and think horrible sexy thoughts about you. You aren't going anywhere. Muwhahaha!” Kelly cackled evilly.