Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ Kenshin Parody, Book 2 ❯ Chapter 21

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

“Yare yare,” said Jenny, shaking her head sadly. “You'd think if he was that sex starved, he'd tap the first piece of ass that came within ten feet of him. Namely MINE! Ughhh!”

Meanwhile, Kelly was wondering what in the Sam Hill was going on upstairs. She heard banging and crashing noises, and now Saito was howling desperately for his wife. “The fuck is Jenny doing to him? It sounds like she's torturing the man!”

She glanced over at the miserable heap of Aoshi that still lay crumpled in the corner. His head was stuck under the cushion of a loveseat he was flung into, while the rest of his body was resting limply on the floor. It was the most pathetic sight she had ever beheld. But damn, did she have a good view of his ass. As much as she would have liked to stare at it until 2010, she had to get out of the basement. “Oi, Aoshi-sama! Wakey wakey! Time to get up!”

“Huhhhhhmmmmmmphhh?” Aoshi's fingers started to twitch. “Mhat mappened? Mhy mish mit mall marhhhk?”

Kelly rolled her eyes. “Your head is underneath a couch cushion, ya jerk! Now get up and quit embarrassing me! Geez, you'd think you were Sano or some shit.”

“Did I lose again?” Aoshi asked, pulling his head free from the couch. POP! There was a Cheeto stuck to one side of his face, and a crushed Pringles chip on his forehead. He rubbed his head for a full minute, looking around with a dopey confused expression on his otherwise expressionless face.

“Yes, you did lose. This time to an inanimate object. But why am I not surprised?”

“…sorry.”

“Don't apologize for it! Losing is in your genes, man. Just like it's in Sano's genes to be a chicken, Kenshin's genes to be a midget, Toki-hoe's genes to be a hoe, and Saito's genes to sock everyone else's ass around,” Kelly explained, like she knew what the fuck she was talking `bout.

More crashing noises came from above, followed by Jenny screaming, “DAMN, CAPTAIN CRUNCHBERRIES THE THIIIIIRD!!! QUIT JACKING UP KELLY'S LIVING-ROOM!!”

“Oh man, my parent's are going to have my non-existent balls for this. I just know it…What a minute…Captain Crunchberries? The Third? Do I even want to know?”

“I'll go see what's going on upstairs,” Aoshi announced, shakily getting to his feet. “You can come along, just in case Saito wants to fight.” He untied Kelly, while trying to avoid her glass-cutting nipples at all costs.

“Gee, thanks. At least you know you'd lose,” Kelly said, finally putting on some clothes, including Aoshi's coat.

“Can I have my trench coat back?”

“Do you think you can take it from me?” Kelly put up her dukes. “I mean, this ain't no Taekwanese, this ain't no Chinese…this straight up niggaplease!”

“…Just keep it.”

“I intend to.”

“…”

“Don't you back talk me!”

Back in crazy Saito-land, Jenny was up to her neck in ice water and soggy Captain Crunch. The door to the bathroom was now hanging off its hinges, and she watched as Saito continued fucking up Kelly's house. “C'mon Captain Crunchberries the Third, be reasonable. At least put down the TV!”

Much to her amazement, he did put it down. And then he kicked the shit out of it.

“Kelly's going to kill me for getting you plastered! Why'd you have to be an angry drunkard?”

“What `re you sayin' now, woman?” Capt. Crunchberries the third slurred, practically dragging himself into the bathroom. “You shood only spoke when speaken to, cuz I'm a…kawaii ninjin.”

“Ummm…” Jenny didn't really know what to say. It was obvious that Saito and alcohol were about as compatible as a Kaoru/Saito fanfic. It just weren't happening. At all. “Why don't you sit down, Saito? Sleep it off, ya know?”

“Whoooo're talkin' to, wench? My name isn't—"

“Sorry, I meant, Captain Crunchberries the third.”

“That's better,” he said, breathing like there was a shortage of air. “Hey, `ow `bout I get you out of that tubbytele? Your gazongas look cold.”

“I really think you need to sober up, and…WHAT?!”

He leaned forward, and tried to turn the shower knob to the off position, but instead turned it to hot. “There.”

“HOLY SWEET FIGTREEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIEEEEE!” Jenny screeched, taking out a few windows with her.

“'ere, lemme help you.”

“Please don't. You've helped enough already.”

“What, so now you dun want my help? Ungrateful female!” Captain Crunchberries the third yelled angrily, punching a hole through the tiled wall.

“Eep.”

“Move over!” he demanded, crawling into the tub.

“Huh? What the hell are you doing?!” Jenny cried, scooting back as far as she could. “Normally, I'd enjoy this, but man, you are really fucked up right now!”

He splashed her with water, laughing insanely.

Jenny wasn't having any of that, so she splished him back. “When you get angry again, just remember that you instigated this!”

He splashed her again, this time a little more aggressively.

Jenny hesitantly splished back, getting kind of worried at this point.

Splish.

Splash.

Splish.

Splash.

Splish. Splish. Um, Splish?

Splashsplashsplashsplashsplashsplashsplashsplashsplash!!

“Holy christables Batman!” Kelly yelled, standing in the bathroom doorway.

“Phewwww,” Aoshi said, speechless.

“Um…He's drunker than a pack of Ronald McDonalds on Easter!” Jenny cried, trying to dodge Saito's splashing. “He wants me to call him Captain Crunchberries the Third! Somebody get dis nigga some java!”

Kelly started giving out orders like some sort of 1-800-General NOW! “Okay, I'm gonna go make some coffee. Aoshi, you pull, um, the Captain, out of the tub. Jenny, put some damn clothes on and defrost those titties. Captain, try not to kill anybody, namely Aoshi.”

Jenny suddenly looked guilty. “Kelly, about your living-room…I think Captain Crunchberries tried to rape your furniture, cuz damn, it's fucked up!”

Kelly turned around, surveying the holocaust before her. “Damn, how'd he get it up there. Is that even possible?”

Meanwhile, Saito was going to town on a bar of Ivory and guzzling down Pert Plus like no tomorrow. He offered some to Jenny, while foaming at the mouth. Literally.

“No thanks, I'm trying to cut back.”

“Aoshi, can you stop that drunk bastard already?” Kelly shouted.

“I'll try.”

“Aw shit, he's going after the Listerine now!”

“Aoshi, get your ass in there and win one for the Kelly!” Kelly said, smacking him on the ass.

Aoshi took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and waded into the bathroom with arms flailing wildly. Amazingly, he managed to clock Saito on the side of the head. He looked triumphant for a fraction of a second before Jenny hit him in the teeth with one of her blocks of ice.

“How dare you fuck with Captain Crunchberries the Third! Only I'm allowed to do that!” Jenny shouted.

“Dammit Jenny, this is no time to be territorial. And if you chipped one of Aoshi's teeth…that might look kinda cool. Aoshi, lemme see.”

Aoshi turned and held out his hand to Kelly.

“Oh my shit. Are you serious?” She held out her hand like she was getting married.

Aoshi dropped a tooth into her hand.

“I hope to Manuel Noriega, former dictator of Panama, that it's a Chicklet,” she said, and looked down. “Nuts. Damn toothless bastard.”

“Since he's damaged goods, can I have him?” Jenny asked.

“Only if I can have Saito and his black-eye.”

Jenny looked at the Captain. He had a mass of blue crunchberries congealed around his eye, and a steady stream of shampooie drool oozed from his mouth.

“Done!” Jenny said.

Kelly put her hands in a “T”. “Hold on. How's about I go grab the remote, rewind it to before Saito went spastic at the poker table, and we start the whole thing over?”

“Hmmmm…” Jenny thought. She reached out and grabbed a gargantuan handful of Aoshi's ass with one hand, and grabbed another crotch-full of Saito. She weighed them like melons. “Okay.”

Kelly mouthed “What the fuck?” and ran downstairs. “Wait! Aoshi, come with me! I don't trust you alone with her!”

Aoshi followed her, not too trusting of Jenny, either.

Jenny's eyes followed Aoshi's slab of ass out of the room. “Good thing you took him, Kelly, cuz I'da fucked your man. I'da fucked him on a quesadilla, I don't give a fuck!” she shouted.

Kelly ignored Jenny's last comment, but would get her for it next month. She grabbed a remote. “Okay. Rewind.”

(It's waaaay too fucking hard to type backwards. Just imagine this all in reverse. Aoshi's tooth flew back into his face, the shampoo drool went back into Saito's mouth, then back into the bottle, Kelly's living room went back to normal, all the water went back into the pipes, Saito's junk went back in the sock, Jenny remained naked, and Kelly and Aoshi had a pair of draws on.)

Kelly hit “play”, and they were all back in Tokyo. “Hey, it worked!”

“Hey, I'm naked!” Jenny shouted, and dove into a bush.

“Hey…” Aoshi said…

“You bitches!” Saito roared, and then noticed the sock. And the busy street they were in the middle of, and the townspeople that had gathered.