Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ The Kenshin Parody, Book 1 ❯ Chapter 8

Kaoru finally snapped out of the trance that she was in, "KEEEEENSHIN!!! MY HOUSE!!"

Jenny and Kelly could hear Kenshin getting beat down as they left with Saito and Hiko.

"Kaoru-dono! Please have mercy!"

"How do you expect me to pay for all this?! You have got to get a job! You're worthless!"

"Orororooooooooooooo!!" @.@x

"Ahhh, poor Kenshin," sighed Kelly. She busted out with some binoculars and spied with her little eye an Aoshi, "Ahhh, and poor Aoshi. He looks in need of a good molestin'..."

"Done and done," said Jenny, dusting her hands off and rushing towards Aoshi.

"Jenny!" cried Kelly, but it was too late. Kelly smacked her forehead, "OH THE HUMANITY!"

Jenny stopped dead in front of Aoshi, who was sitting under a tree trying to meditate in peace. That peace was short-lived.

"Hi."

Aoshi looked up, obviously annoyed at the interruption.

Jenny squatted down and put her head on her knees curiously, "Whatcha doin'?"

"I WAS trying to meditate," he replied, "Who are you?"

"My name is Jenny," said Jenny, sitting down next to him, "And your name is Shinomori Aoshi."

"How does a little girl like you know my name?" asked Aoshi, raising an eyebrow.

"The subtitles."

"The what-titles?"

"SUBtitles," repeated Jenny, emphasizing SUB, "They know all and see all."

"Uh huh...." Aoshi had the strangest look on his usually emotionless face.

"They do though. Really," insisted Jenny. She looked around for inspiration, thinking of something to say, "So, what's a guy like you doing under a tree like this?"

"I was trying to meditate," replied Aoshi, "I told you that already."

"Ohyeah. Hey, you wanna know a secret?"

"I guess."

"C'mere," whispered Jenny, gesturing for Aoshi to lean in, "Ok, you can't say anything though. Promise?"

"Yes. Now what is it?"

"Ok, you know Misao, right? Well, she is really a man."

"What?!"

"I was just as surprised when I found out."

"Are you sure?" Aoshi looked skeptical.

"Look Aoshi-sama, I ain't bullshitting you here. Do I look like the type of person to lie?" Jenny gave him her most convincing 'look at me! I'm not an escaped convict that likes to lie' look.

"Wellll..."

"C'mon! This is from a reliable source! Kelly's Anonymous! Take my word for it! Misao has a little Hiko under that skankfit...I mean, oufit."

"I can't believe this!" cried Aoshi, raising his voice, "That sick little...I have to go and find that dark-haired girl who tried to lick me! She may be my only chance at true love....or a cheap fling." Aoshi got up and hurried away.

"Kelly owes me big time," said Jenny, mentally tallying the amount of ass Kelly would have to kiss and the amount of Saito she'd have to hook a brotha up with.

Kelly saw the whole thing through the binoculars, minus words attached to the moving mouths. "I hope Jenny didn't say anything stupid...wait a minute, it's Jenny." Kelly damn near shit a loady loady when she saw Aoshi Aoshi coming straight for her.

"Oh Christ, what did she say to---mmmffftthhmmm," Kelly was cut off because Aoshi was busy kissing her passionately. When he finally stopped, he swung her over his shoulder like a ragdoll and made his way to a bedroom near you.

"Oh wow," cried Kelly, her face like right in front of his ass, "I have so many people to thank for this Aoshi Award. Um...my parents for always teaching me to brush and floss, Jenny, for hooking a Kelly up, my agent, thanks so much! But most of all, I wanna thank all of the Aoshi fans out there that deemed me worthy enough to get it the hell on with this mofo. Without you, this could never have been possible....<sob> thanks!"

Aoshi pushed Kaoru out of her room and tossed Kelly across the room, where she landed softly on the matt on the floor. "Let's get this shit the hell on!"

As if on cue, Aoshi's clothing fell the hell off. Kelly looked down eagerly but soon her look of pure Aoshirific delight turned into one of horror. The place where Aoshi's manhood should have been was totally blank.

"NOOOOO!! It's Generator Gawl all over again! Ken doll body!!" screamed Kelly dramatically, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Jenny's brother, Egon, floated randomly into the room, "Dada dada, he's naked!"

"Kelly! Kelly!" cried a voice, "Kelly, wake up. Kelly! Kelly! Snap out of it!"

Kelly opened her eyes and saw Jenny's huge head and concerned face. "Wha---Aoshi?! Where's Aoshi?!"

"Aoshi?" Jenny looked at her crazy, "Oooooh Aoshi. What about him? I told him that you said that Misao was a man and he called me a fool and walked away. You were daydreaming. C'mon, Saito and Hiko are getting away."

Kelly shook her fist at absolutely nothing, "DAMN YOU!!" Jenny grabbed her arm and pulled her away.

"AY! Wait up Hiko! Wait up Saito!" called Jenny, running after them like a tard. Kelly was right on her heels.

"Didju grab my ass?" Jenny asked, stopping dead in her tracks and looking around.

"What?"

"Just practicing," Jenny told her friend.

"Oooookay," said Kelly, looking at Jenny oddly.

The four of them strolled into town, and headed toward the Akabeko, the only place that served sake, apparently.

"Umm, Fujita-san, those two young ladies can't come in here. The last time they did, they caused a riot," said Tae.

Saito went into Brock mode and smiled. "Don't worry, they're with me. I'll keep a close eye on them," he said.

"Only one eye? Come on, we deserve two at least. Maybe even three!" said Jenny, as they walked to a table.

"Shut up. Can we have some sakay sakay?" asked Kelly.

"No," said Saito.

"Yes," said Hiko, at the same time.

The two men looked at each other like the other was short.

"Well? Which is it?" Kelly demanded.

"I suppose its okay. But not too much, and when I say stop, I mean stop," Saito said.

"Don't worry. You just keep that eye on us. And by the way, 'ju grab my ass? I'll understand if you did," Jenny said, looking at Saito.

"Jenny, it is a physical impossibility for him to grab your ass from where he is," Kelly said disgustedly.

"Ahhh, but I know his tricks," Jenny said, winking at Saito. Saito rolled his eyes.

"How old are you two, anyways? And what are your names?" asked Hiko, tippin' his jug back.

"Ummmmm, how old do we look?" asked Kelly.

"Hm. You look about 16, but you act like you're 10," said Saito, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.

"Psssh. We're 19, beeeeeeeeeeyatch!" said Jenny.

Both men looked at her crazy.

"What is up with the flies?" asked Kelly, waving her arm over her head.

"Have you looked in the mirror lately, Kelly?" Jenny said, itching her head. A cucumber fell out, followed by a banana, two oranges, an apple, three kiwis, a bunch of grapes, a coconut, and finally a cantaloupe.

"Awwww shitty, damn cantaloupe talkin' shit again?" Jenny asked the fruit. When it didn't reply, she punched it as hard as she could. The juice squirted out and hit her in the eye, causing her to get Brock disease in one eye.

"Where in the shit did all the fruit come from?" asked Kelly, scratching her chin. "What? I didn't realize I had stubblies." She pulled it out and a giant hunk of sod came off in her hand.

"We need baths. A few of them. I need a shave, too," Jenny said, propping her leg up on the table, all up in Saito's grill. Saito's mouth worked, but nothing came out.

"Did you just mouth 'what the fuck'?" Kelly asked, shocked. Then she saw the reason for it. Jenny's leg was...well, wookified to say the least.

"Woolly mammoth over here," said Kelly, pointing at Jenny. When her arm was half raised, a giant afro-lanche of pit hair came flowing out of her tattered shirt.

Hiko was busy being amazed at the amount of hair that had accumulated on Jenny's leg, so much so that he didn't notice Kelly's pit hair dangling all up in his sake. He shook his head sadly, picked up his dish, and proceeded to drink. ::That's funny,:: he thought, ::Sake usually doesn't get stuck in my teeth... It usually doesn't smell like ass and feet, either.::

::I'm not gonna say a damn thing about Hiko drinking hair,:: thought Saito, grinning evilly.

::Sunshine lollipops and Wolfwoods everywhere spiky spiky Saito Saito:: thought Jenny, mentally singing, and head bobbing to the 'music'.

::NASTY!:: thought Kelly. "Hey, Hiko, you've got a tribble in your sake. HEY!! Tae! What's with the hair?"

Tae walked over and her mouth dropped in astonishment at "The Hair".

"What? Something on my face?"

Jenny, meanwhile, was busy laughing her ass off at Kelly's jungle feevah. "Is that Cousin It hidden under your arm, or do you need to shave?"

Kelly busted out with some sunglasses and stuck them into her pit beard. "Mmrmrfmmfgmrmmrmememmmfgdfgfrrdfd," she said, occasionally shaking her arm for emphasis.

"THAT"S ENOUGH!! Baths for you, now!!" Saito said, losing his patience, and his control on his stomach. "Bllllllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh," all over Hiko's white mantle. Hiko looked down at his mantle, then at Saito, then to his cup. His eyes got wider and wider until finally, 'it' happened.

"Ooooooooooooooohrooooooooohhhh oooblaaaaaaahhhhhh!!" all over Saito's uniform.

"This place smells like arse!!" Kelly cried, looking for an escape route.