Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ A Grail?!? ❯ Scene Twenty-four... and Spam? ( Chapter 8 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

A Grail?!?
A Sailor Moon/Monty Python crossover/parody... thingy.
By Jason C. Ulloa

Disclaimer thingy: Sailor Moon - not mine. Monty Python and the Holy Grail - not mine. They belong to those people/companies
to whom they belong to... or, something like that. The character, Kino Ryoku/Sailor Knight, however, is mine. All mine.
If you use him without my permission, I'll sic him, the rest of the Sailor Senshi, the Knights of Nee, and Ronald, the
Amazing Dust Bunny, after you. So, there.

Be afraid.... Be very afraid.


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Chapter 8: Scene Twenty-four... and Spam?


Narrator:
Sir Launcelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain temptation, but they were still no closer to the Grail.

{Narrator pauses as Mercury and Neptune walk by, dragging Knight and Uranus along with them.}

Sailor Neptune:
[Bows her head] Oh, sorry. Don't mind us.

Sailor Mercury:
We're just trying to find our way back to the story. We seem to have gotten a bit lost.

Narrator:
[Scratches her head] Um... I think if you head about ten kilometers southeast, you might find the other knights and
Senshi. Either that, or an ATM machine.

Sailor Neptune:
[Blinks] An ATM machine? In 932 A.D.?

Narrator:
[Shrugs] Well, yeah. Nowadays, you can find them almost anywhere. But, I wouldn't bother. They only dispense pounds.

Sailor Uranus:
[Grimaces] Things just get stranger and stranger around here.

Sailor Neptune:
[Briskly] Never mind that. Let's just go. [Drags Uranus after her]

Sailor Uranus:
Look, Michiru, we're far enough from that castle. Do you STILL have to drag me?

Sailor Neptune:
[Flatly] Only until I say different.

Sailor Uranus:
[Sighs] ....

Sailor Mercury:
[Tugs Knight's arm] Come, Ryo-chan.

Sailor Knight:
[Meekly] Yes, Ami-chan.

Sailor Uranus:
[Sighs again] You don't have to be so meek, Ryo-kun....

Narrator:
[As she watches the Senshi leave] I will not ask. It would probably be too dangerous for my mental health for me to
ask. [Turns back to the readers] Anyway.... Meanwhile, King Arthur, Sir Bedevere, Sailor Moon, Sailor Mars, and Sailor
Pluto, not more than a swallow's flight away, had discovered something. [Pauses thoughtfully] Oh, that's an unladen
swallow's flight, obviously. I mean, they were more than two laden swallows' flights away.... Four, really, if they had a
coconut on a line between them. I mean, if the birds were walking and dragging....

Jason:
[Suddenly appearing behind the Narrator] Get on with it!!! [Disappears again]

Narrator:
[Jumps back, startled, but quickly recovers] Oh, anyway. On to scene Twenty-four, which is a smashing scene with
some lovely acting, in which King Arthur discovers a vital clue, and in which there aren't any swallows, although I think
you can hear a starling....

{Jason suddenly reappears again, this time with a policeman's club in one hand.}

Narrator:
[As Jason wacks her in the back of the head with the club] Oooh! [Collapses]

Jason:
[Bows] Sorry about this. We'll be moving on to the next scene now.

{He bends down and picks up the Narrator, then starts to disappear, taking her with him.}

Jason:
[As he fades away] We need to have a little discussion about going off on tangents without authorization....


------------------------------------------- ------


{Dawn starts to break as King Arthur pointed out a small hut in the distance to the others. They had been walking and
hopping for over two days without much luck, but this discovery was much better than the tedious traveling that they had
been doing.}

Sailor Moon:
[Testily] And I'm hungry, too!

{Yes, and Sailor Moon was getting hungry, too. And we all know how she gets when she gets hungry.}

Sailor Moon:
[Indignantly] Hey!

Sailor Mars:
[Pointedly] Well, she does have a point.

Sailor Moon:
[Angrily] Rei-chan!

Sailor Pluto:
[With strained patience] Please, don't start again, you two.

Sailor Moon/Mars:
[Apologetically] Sorry, Setsuna-san....

King Arthur:
[Also with strained patience] Well, now that that's settled, maybe we should go see the occupant of that dwelling.
Perhaps the owner might have a clue about where to find the Holy Grail.

Sailor Moon:
[Hungrily] And some food!

King Arthur:
[Sighs] Yes... and some food. But please, do not eat this person out of house and home like you did with the last
couple of people we visited.

Sir Bedevere:
The wife of the last person we visited chased us for several leagues, shouting obscenities as she threatened to rip
off our arms and beat us with them.

King Arthur:
[Shudders] I remember that. What happened that made her so mad, Bedevere?

Sir Bedevere:
[Shrugs] I am unsure, my Liege.

Sailor Pluto:
I think it was because Usagi-chan ate almost everything they had to eat as a midnight snack.

Sailor Moon:
[Sweatdrops as everyone stares at her] ....

Sailor Mars:
[Mutters] I knew it was your fault. Somehow I knew it.

Sailor Moon:
[Defensively] Hey, can I help it if I have a healthy appetite?

Sailor Mars:
[Facetiously] You mean, a bottomless pit?

Sailor Moon:
[Scowls] Shut up, Mars.

King Arthur:
[Sighs] Not ANOTHER arguement....

Sailor Pluto:
[Shakes her head] Be grateful that you've never had to deal with them as long as we have. Maybe we should just go
and let them get this out of their system.

{As the two Senshi begin arguing in earnest, Pluto and the two knights start heading toward the hut.}

Sailor Moon/Mars:
[Indignantly] Hey! Wait for us!!! [Starts running after the others, their arguement completely forgotten]

{As King Arthur knocks on the door of the hut, the door suddenly opens all by itself.}

King Arthur:
[Surprised] Um... hello?

Voice:
[From inside] Come.... Come inside.... I've been expecting you. Hehehehehe....

{The others exchange looks after hearing the creepy-sounding voice, then enter. Inside, they find a very ugly-looking old
man sitting in front of a cookpot resting on an open fire. Upon closer inspection, the man's eyes seem to be completely
yellow.}

Sailor Moon:
[Hesitently] Umm.... You wouldn't happen to...?

Very ugly old man:
[Gestures toward the pot] Would you like something to eat?

Sailor Moon:
[Happily] Yes! Thank you very much!

Sailor Mars:
[Glancing at the pot] What's in the pot?

Very ugly old man:
[Raspy chuckling] Toad eyes, bat wings and rabbit tails.

Sailor Mars:
[Grimacing in disgust] And you're gonna EAT that?!?

Very ugly old man:
[More raspy chuckling] Of course not, child. This isn't my breakfast. It's medieval medicine.

Sir Bedevere:
[Interested] Is that so? What ails does this medicine cure, my good man?

Very ugly old man:
[Still more raspy chuckling] Hangovers.

Sailor Mars:
[Glancing slyly over at Sailor Moon] Too bad we didn't have that the last time you got tipsy, Usagi.

Sailor Moon:
[Indignantly] Hey, it's not my fault I didn't know that they were drinking wine! I thought it was some new kind of
fruit punch! Nobody told me it was wine!

Sailor Mars:
Yes, they did. It's not our fault that you can't understand English very well.

King Arthur:
[To Pluto] I take it that it's a long story?

Sailor Pluto:
[Nods] You would've had to have been there to understand.

King Arthur:
[Nods as well] Ah. I see.

Sir Bedevere:
So, what have you got to eat, then?

Very ugly old man:
[Gets up and walks over to a stove conveniently placed off-screen] Let's see....

Sailor Mars:
[Points] Hey! There weren't any stoves in 932 A.D.!

Sir Bedevere:
And how would you know? Were you alive in 932 A.D.?

Sailor Mars:
I'm here now.

Sir Bedevere:
[Nods and points] And there's a stove. Therefore, your information was incorrect, as you can see.

Sailor Mars:
[Boggles] ....

Sailor Pluto:
[Sighs] Just let it go.

Very ugly old man:
[Turns back to the others] Well... there's eggs and bacon... eggs, sausage and bacon... eggs and spam... eggs, bacon
and spam... eggs, bacon, sausage and spam... spam, bacon, sausage and spam... spam, eggs, spam, spam, bacon and spam...
spam, sausage, spam, spam, bacon, spam, tomato and spam... spam, spam, spam, eggs and spam... spam, spam, spam, spam, spam,
spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam and spam... or Lobster Thermidor au Crevettes with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale
manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top, and spam.

Others:
[Sweatdrops] ....

Very ugly old man:
Well?

King Arthur:
Eggs, bacon and spam.

Sir Bedevere:
Spam, bacon, sausage and spam.

Sailor Mars:
Well... I'll have eggs and spam.

Sailor Pluto:
Eggs and bacon.

Very ugly old man:
[As he serves King Arthur] Sorry. Fresh out of that.

Sailor Pluto:
But, you never said anything about being out of eggs or bacon when the others asked for them.

Very ugly old man:
[As he serves Sir Bedevere] That was for eggs, bacon and spam. I have plenty of eggs, bacon and spam, but I'm fresh
out of eggs and bacon.

Sailor Pluto:
[Blinks] .... [Sighs] Very well. Eggs, sausage and bacon, then.

Very ugly old man:
[Shakes his head as he serves Mars] Sorry.

Sailor Pluto:
[Scowls] But all the rest have spam in it! I don't want anything that has spam in it.

Very ugly old man:
Well... spam, bacon, sausage and spam doesn't have that much spam in it.

Sailor Pluto:
[Insistantly] I don't want any spam.

Sailor Moon:
Why can't you have eggs, bacon, spam and sausage?

Sailor Pluto:
That has spam in it!

Sailor Moon:
Not as much as spam, bacon, sausage and spam.

Sailor Pluto:
[Sighs patiently] Look, could I have eggs, bacon, spam and sausage without the spam?

Sailor Moon:
[Sticking out her tongue and grimacing in disgust] Eeeuugh!

Sailor Pluto:
[Starting to lose her patience] What do you mean, 'eeeuugh'? I don't like spam!

King Arthur/Sir Bedevere:
[Singing jovially as they eat] Spam, spam, spam, spam! Spam, spam, spam, spam! Spamity spaaaaam! Wonderful spaaaaam!
Lovely spaaaaam! Wonderful spaaaaaam!

Sailor Pluto:
[Losing her patience] Shut up!!! Shut up!!!

King Arthur/Sir Bedevere:
[Shutting up] ....

Sailor Pluto:
[Testily] Can't I have eggs, bacon, spam and sausage without the spam?

Very ugly old man:
[Questioning look] What for?

Sailor Pluto:
[Getting frustrated] AAAUGH!

Very ugly old man:
It wouldn't be eggs, bacon, spam and sausage, would it?

Sailor Pluto:
[Very close to snapping] I DON'T LIKE SPAM!!!

Sailor Moon:
[Slowly backing away and the others pretend not to notice Pluto's slow breakdown] Well, if you have second thoughts,
I'll have your spam. [Grins] I love it! I'm gonna have spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam and
spam!

King Arthur/Sir Bedevere:
[Quietly singing again] Spam, spam, spam, spam! Spam, spam, spam, spam!

Very ugly old man:
Baked beans are off. I got the last of them.

Sailor Moon:
[To the very ugly old man] Can I have spam instead?

Very ugly old man:
You mean, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam and spam?

King Arthur/Sir Bedevere:
[Still going] Spam, spam, spam, spam! Spam, spam, spam, spam!

Sailor Moon:
[Nodding happily] Yes!

Sailor Pluto:
[Grimacing] Eeeuugh!

King Arthur/Sir Bedevere:
[Still going. Nothing outlasts the... oh, wait. Never mind] Spam, spam, spam, spam! Spam, spam, spam, spam! Spamity
spaaaaaam! Wonderful spaaaaaam! Lovely spaaaaaam! Wonderful spaaaaaam!

Sailor Pluto:
[Getting angry] Shut up!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! If you say 'spam' one more time, I'll rip your head off with a Dead Scream!

King Arthur/Sir Bedevere:
[Quickly shut up and concentrate on eating] ....

Sailor Mars:
[Eyes wide] Woah.... And I thought I had a temper....

Sailor Moon:
[Hiding after taking her food from the very ugly old man] You're scaring me, Setsuna-san....

Sailor Pluto:
[Calms down] I'm sorry. But, all I want is some food without any spam in it. Is that too much to ask? [Sighs] All
right.... I'll have the eggs, bacon, spam and sausage, then. I'll just give Usagi-chan the spam.

Sailor Moon:
[Happily] Yay!

Very ugly old man:
[Serves Pluto her food] ....

Sailor Pluto:
[Handing Sailor Moon her spam] Here.

Sailor Moon:
[Cheerfully] Thanks, Setsuna-san!

King Arthur:
[Finishes his food and sets down his plate] Right. Now, you said you were expecting us. Is it about the Holy Grail?

Very ugly old man:
[Yet more raspy laughing] Hehehehehehehe! Hahahahaha! Yes, I know of an enchanter.... Hahahahahahaha!

King Arthur:
[Urgingly] And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the Grail?

Very ugly old man:
[And yet even more raspy laughing] Hahahaha! Hehehehehehehe! Hahahaha! Hehehehe!

King Arthur:
[Exchanging glances with Sir Bedevere] Where does he live?

Very ugly old man:
[Surprise! It's still more of the raspy laughing] Hehehehehehe....

Sailor Mars:
[Dryly] He's certainly gotten happy all of a sudden.

Sailor Moon:
[Still eating] Is it because of the spam?

Sailor Pluto:
[Warningly] Don't start, Usagi-chan.

Sailor Moon:
[Swallows audibly] Um... right, Setsuna-san.

King Arthur:
[Urgently] Old man, where does he live?

Very ugly old man:
[And more of the laughing that is raspy] Hahahahaha.... He knows of a cave. A cave which no man has entered.

King Arthur:
[Exchanges glances with Sir Bedevere again, glad to have finally gotten some information from the laughing freak]
And the Grail? The Grail is there?

Very ugly old man:
[Warningly] There is much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed.

Sailor Moon:
[Gulps anxiously] I don't like the sound of that....

Sailor Mars:
Quiet, Usagi. We're finally getting closer to finding the Holy Grail.

King Arthur:
[Impatiently] But, the Grail! Where is the Grail?!?

Very ugly old man:
Seek you the Bridge of Death.

Sailor Moon:
[Nervously] Bridge of... Death?

Sailor Mars:
Hush, Usagi.

King Arthur:
[Promptingly] The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Grail?

Very ugly old man:
[And as if we weren't expecting this, more raspy laughing] Hehehehehe! Hahahaha! Hehehehehe!

{As the very ugly old man laughed, the hut slowly began to fade away, leaving everyone sitting on fallen tree logs that was
surrounding an open fire out in the open. Morning had passed into the afternoon, according to the sun's position in the sky,
but that information was unimportant, since the hut that they were sitting in had vanished completely and the very ugly old
man with it.}

Sailor Moon:
[Standing up angrily] Hey! I wasn't finished with my spam yet!!!

King Arthur:
There's no time for that. We must find this enchanter of whom the old man spoke of.

Sailor Moon:
[Sadly] But... my spam....

Sailor Pluto:
How will we find this enchanter? The old man didn't say where he could be found.

Sir Bedevere:
[Nods] That is true. However, we must continue our search as before. Perhaps we can find someone who knows of where
this enchanter can be found.

Sailor Mars:
[To Sailor Moon as the others turn to leave] Come on, Usagi.

Sailor Moon:
[Sadly] My spam....

Sailor Mars:
[Irritably] I said, come on! [Grabs Sailor Moon and starts dragging her along with her]

Sailor Moon:
[Wincing] Ouch! Hey! Careful! Don't pull so hard, Rei-chan!


-------------------------------------------------

Narrator:
And now, we pause for something completely different.

{The scene cuts to Makoto, Ryoku and Usagi standing behind a counter in a television recording studio that looks somewhat
similar to that of an infomercial. The three are wearing aprons. Usagi's apron has a big picture of a bunny on it, while
Makoto's is green and Ryoku's is gray.}

Makoto:
[Waving to the camera] Hey, everyone! We would like to take a break from this story for a moment to talk to you all
about something very important.

Usagi:
[Very cheerily as she reaches under the counter and brings up a very familiar-looking tin can] It's spam!

Ryoku:
[Nods] That's right, Usgai-chan! Spam. A lot of people fail to realize the full potential of spam. Sure, the word
'spam' comes from the words 'spiced ham', but spam is much, much more than that.

Makoto:
Spam is one of the few foods that can be served at any time of day and at any meal. Breakfast, lunch, dinner,
anytime! Not only that, but there are several different types of dishes that can be made from spam.

Usagi:
[Nods] That's right! Omelettes, sandwhiches, or even served by the slice, spam is probably the most underappreciated
food out there.

Ryoku:
Now, that's all good and everything, but aren't you forgetting about something?

Usagi:
[Frowns thoughtfully] What could that be, Ryo-kun?

Ryoku:
Don't forget about the gelatinous substance that comes with the spam. Did you know that, if mixed with certain
chemical substances, it can become an incredibly powerful adhesive? Even stronger than rubber cement!

Usagi:
[Surprised] Wow! I didn't know that!

Ryoku:
That's right, Usagi-chan. Also, did you know that it can also be used as a cleaning agent? Just mix with some of the
juices from various citrus fruits and you can clean the rust off of America's Statue of Liberty.

Usagi:
It's that strong?

Ryoku:
Yes. However, it's gentle on your hands as well. So gentle, in fact, that some people who suffer from excessively
dry skin use it along with their favorite lotions to dramatically increase the moisturizing effects!

Usagi:
That's so cool!

Makoto:
[Nods] However, that's not all. The tin can has several uses after you remove the spam and clean it out.

Usagi:
Oh, really? Like what?

Makoto:
Well.... [Reaches under the counter and brings up one tin after another] It can hold your pens and pencils. It can
be used as an ash tray. It can be used to collect donations at your office or any other place of work. It can also be used
as a base to launch fireworks from. You can even attach a string between to spam cans and use them like tin can phones.

Usagi:
[Excitedly] Wow! I never knew there were so many uses for the container that spam comes in.

Makoto:
[Glances toward the back of the studio] I see that Hotaru's waving at us. That must mean we have a caller.

Ryoku:
[Blinks] How can we have a caller? We never gave out our phone number. [Pauses for a moment] We don't even have a
phone!

Hotaru:
[From inside the control booth] Don't ask me, Ryo-oniichan. I barely know how this stuff works.

{Suddenly, all the lights cut off all at once.}

Hotaru:
[Sheepishly] Oops.

{The lights come back on.}

Makoto:
I thought that Ami-chan was supposed to be working the control booth?

Hotaru:
She was, but that was she accidentally dropped her Mercury minicomputer and stepped on it.

Ryoku:
So, where is she now?

Hotaru:
[Shrugging] I don't know. Radio Shack, maybe?

Ryoku:
[Dryly] I doubt Radio Shack has parts for magical devices.

Usagi:
I don't know, Ryo-kun.... She did make those modifications to our old communicators.

Ryoku:
Oh, yeah. You mean, when she turned them into portable TVs. I forgot all about that. [To Hotaru] At any rate, since
for some reason or another, we have a caller, can you patch it through to us, Hotaru-chan?

Hotaru:
Sure thing! [Pushes several buttons]

PA system:
[Panting] Oh, yes! Yes! Faster! Faster! Faster, baby! Ohhh....

Usagi/Makoto/Ryoku:
[Blushing] ....

Hotaru:
[Frantically pushing buttons] Gaaah!!!

Usagi/Makoto/Ryoku:
[Sweatdrops] ....

Hotaru:
[Still frantically pushing buttons] Dammit, why doesn't this work?!? AAAAUGH!

PA system:
Hello?

Hotaru:
[Triumphantly] There! I got it!

Makoto:
Hello, you're on the air. You have a question?

PA system:
Yes, I do. What's the big deal about spam? It's just food. It's no big deal. Don't make such a big fuss over it.
And it doesn't even taste all that good, either.

Ryoku:
[Suspiciously] Wait a minute.... Setsuna-san?

PA system:
Um.... No. No, this isn't Setsuna. This is just some random caller....

Usagi:
[Also suspiciously] Yeah, I recognize that voice. That IS you Setsuna-san.

PA system:
[Insistently] You are mistaking me for someone else. I am not Setsuna.

Makoto:
[Also suspiciously] Well, Setsuna doesn't like spam, either. And since you sound like her....

PA system:
[Still insistently] I told you, I am NOT Setsuna. Setsuna is a mature woman. She would never call some show just to
say that she doesn't like spam.

Ryoku:
[Raises an eyebrow] For someone who isn't Setsuna, you seem to know a lot about how she should act.

PA system:
...drat.

{The sound of a phone hanging up, followed by a dial tone, could be heard on the PA system.}

Usagi/Makoto/Ryoku:
....

Hotaru:
....

{As the group performed one mass sweatdrop, Jason walked into the studio and toward the group on the stage.}

Jason:
So, here you all are. I was wondering where you all went.

Usagi:
Oh, hi, Jason-san. What brings you here?

Jason:
A certain source told me that you were all doing something completely different. Now, I like going off on a tangent
as much as the next person, but this is ridiculous.

Ryoku:
[Wryly] And you, being the authority on all things ridiculous?

Jason:
In this story, damn straight. Now, it's time for you four to get back to the story. Oh, and Setsuna, too. I'll go
get her in a little bit.

Makoto:
[Pleadingly] Oh, come on, Jason-san....

Jason:
[Shakes his head] No, it was getting much too silly.

Usagi:
[Confused] Isn't that a good thing?

Jason:
Just get back to the story. [Walks out of the studio]

Usagi:
[Blinks] Was it something I said?


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Coming soon to a website near you....

A Grail?!? - Chapter 9: Ni!

Questions? Comments? Do you like spam?
E-mail me: jasonulloa@hotmail.com or ulloaj@stennis.navy.mil