Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ SgAltima Presents: Dear Diary ❯ Despair: February 4th, 2000 ( Chapter 6 )

SgAltima Presents:

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

It's been two weeks since I've seen Rei, and I think I've cried harder in these last two weeks than I ever have in my life combined. Now I just sit in my bed with my blanket gathered around me. I wonder if I have any tears left to cry.

I was so worried about her that the week after my last entry, I finally bit the bullet and got in touch with Yuuichiro, my opponent for her heart. He hasn't seen her, either! But she told him that she was leaving for a while and not to worry about her. That foolish girl... she wouldn't even tell me she was leaving.

Minako came back to find my apartment empty, and I guessed she rushed over to my house to find me in my bed, drowning in my own sorrow. She just held me for the longest time... It was so nice, but even as she held me, I despaired for her arms to belong to the one I love.

Diary, I shall hide my feelings for her from now on, I think... I haven't decided yet, but if destiny will fight me this unfairly, I don't want to live my life in pain. Mamoru has come to see me... he didn't even try to take me back. He took me out to lunch and we just talked. But I can still feel the desire in his heart.

I will not encourage him... but I do not want to be alone. I feel like I've shouldered so many burdens over the years for so many people, most of whom I will never even meet. I do not want to be alone anymore. Mamoru has come back for good this time. He told me that he was offered a job at the local TV news as a reporter. I would have never imagined... He seems happy enough.

Minako has stayed with me since the day she came back. She, Luna, and Artemis try so hard to keep me occupied so I don't think of Rei. They are wonderful to me, but it doesn't really help other than give me a chance to refresh my supply of tears. I refuse to cry in public. I'm stronger than that now.

Too bad that I'm not strong enough to keep my heart from breaking every time I think of how I poured it out to Rei in our night of lovemaking. I thought I could feel her heart, feel it bursting for me the same way mine overflowed with emotion for her. Could I have been so wrong??

My heart refuses to listen, but my mind has started to wonder if she just used me. Maybe she does love Yuuichiro more than me. Did she just do it out of obligation? If so, I would rip out my heart and throw it into her fire. It would be the same as how my soul burns and aches without her near me.

The future is bleak.

The funniest thing happened to me this week. Haruka and Michiru showed up at the front door to this house and spent the day with me. It must have been Minako's doing. It appeared as though she didn't reveal the exact ail that troubled me, though. Thank the kami...

It was a wonderful day, and I almost forgot that my world is crumbling to pieces around me. Almost... They took me over to their house to have dinner, and pictures of them together were everywhere. Dinner was wonderful, and I found out that Makoto has been teaching Michiru the finer arts of making delicious food. Haruka is a lucky woman. Michiru seems to love nothing more than to make different dishes for Haruka to try.

Maybe I'll ask Makoto to spend time to teach me how to cook.

Last night, Minako and I laid awake in the dark and talked about different things. After a while, there was a silence between us. I finally asked her the question I've been wondering about for some time, whether she thinks she'll ever have someone special to spend her life with.

Minako surprises me all the time. She told me that she didn't believe she'd ever have anyone like that in her life, but that it was okay because she had me and our group of friends to spend her life with. She looked at me, smiling, and told me that she loved me and the others, and was content with that. She's become even more beautiful than she was when we were younger, both inside and out.

Then she asked me what I was doing with my life. I told her that she should know, because she is around me more than anyone. She looked at me and told me that eternity was a long time to spend, unsure of where your place was. I didn't know what to say... Finally I told her that my place was to be the guardian of our planet. She laughed quietly, telling me that doing so was her duty as well, but she didn't foresee having to cancel any concerts to go fight a monster any time in the future.

She told me that Mamoru still loves me. As if I didn't know that! I know that if I don't become Queen, the Dark Moon family won't escape to Nemesis and won't come back to try and destroy us. I believe in my heart that all I will do is use my ginzuishou to revive this world and hopefully, the ginzuishou will take my life again in doing so.

I don't say these things to Minako, but I think she knows. I really couldn't ask for a truer friend. We think on the same wavelength. Of course, all my friends are true to me, and I feel the same to them, but Minako and I can talk about things I would otherwise keep to myself. That's what I need right now, and I think she knows that as well.

Rei, I love you and despise you at the same time for the way you make me feel.

If you care for me as much as you have said in the past, won't you come ease the pain of the heart that trembles inside me? Won't you at least tell me that you don't love me like that? I think of you constantly.

My heart's desire is clouded... Conflicting emotions tear me apart inside.

Tsukino Usagi