Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ SgAltima Presents: Dear Diary ❯ Indecision: March 18th, 2000 ( Chapter 12 )

SgAltima Presents:

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

I didn't write my entry last Sunday... I have to keep sure I'm more mindful, but I'm sure that it's okay. Since my last entry, so many things have happened. If there's one thing I know for sure, it's this...

I love Minako... but I also love Rei. I want both of them... This is Fate's cruel joke against me. To love both of them. How do I decide? How do I choose the one who will lose? How do I keep my own heart from breaking at the same time?

I am racked with guilt. Minako is laying beside me, exhausted. She just got back tonight from her tour, and the first thing she asked me was whether I missed her. I couldn't even answer her. I don't know whether to be thankful whether my embrace gave her the answer she wanted.

Well, last time I said that I was going to go find Makoto and yell at her. The funny thing is that as soon as Ami and I were going to leave my house, Makoto showed up at the door. Anyways, they needed to talk, so they went home, and I drove straight over to Rei's temple. I'll regret it forever.

As I climbed the stairs to the courtyard, Yuuichiro passed me... carrying all of his possessions to his car. He stopped as I turned to look at him... and he turned to face me. I can remember the look in his eyes, so full of anger and hatred. It was then I knew what had happened, as he slapped me hard with the back of his hand. He and Rei had split up.

I cried and ran up the stairs to see Rei throwing more of his things out of her bedroom. She stopped briefly as she saw me, only to go back into the interior of the room and reappear at the door, holding her crystal henshin wand.

She stared at me, and I couldn't even move... and then she threw at me, cursing me. I barely moved out of the way, but then I was angry. I was angry at everything. What she had done, the way she made me feel, the problems she and I sharing radiating out through our friends.

I picked up her wand and stormed into her bedroom, where she was sitting on her bed. I could feel the anger just surging through me... I threw her wand at the wall, and I remember how the star embedded into the wall. I grabbed a fistful of her dress and forced her to her feet. I told her that she had a lot of nerve being angry at me, and the choices I have made since she chose to be rude and careless of my heart.

She told me I didn't know anything. That she didn't want anything to do with me anymore, as long as she lived. That her duty to me was finished. That I had ruined her life, that I had ruined her eventual marriage.

I slapped her and we started fighting. I don't even know what came over me... We fought for so long, longer than I thought I'd ever stand a chance against an experienced fighter like Rei, but finally, she pinned me down on the floor. I can remember the look in her eyes. I was so tired, and when she loosened her grip, I hurt all over and couldn't even bring myself to move.

And then she kissed me. She awakened every sensation I remembered from that night, and it was like I was in the tent with her all over again. I am so ashamed. The desire for her awakened again, and drowned out everything else. She told me that I knew the reason her marriage was over, and I knew. Because she and I wanted each other.

But I don't know... What about Minako??

What will I do? I left Rei's nearly 24 hours later, and the guilt and shame smother me, and it's like I can't breathe. I love both of you... why couldn't you leave me alone with my happiness, Rei? Why can't I ever have anything easily?? All I want to do now is fall asleep with Minako...

At least she isn't unsure of how she feels.

Tsukino Usagi