Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ CRONIES ❯ Warm Lovingness? Cold Idiocy? Weird. ( Chapter 4 )

CRONIES

A triple team production by:

THE TRIPLE PEEPS

Apollo Alexandre, a.k.a. "Grand Master Shoma" (GMS)

Neusa Gaspar, a.k.a. "Judge Neusy"

Carlos Alexandre, a.k.a. "CMA" (CMA)

Judge Neusy: DISCLAIMER: Any characters mentioned in this story that are not the distinctive likenesses of anyone else--including, but not limited to, Sega, Sonic Team, Nintendo, etc.--were created by us, and may not be used without our permission. All characters and distinctive likenesses not created by us are the property of their respective owners.

Grand Master Shoma: We can't start without opening banter!

[Several hours later]

GMS: Oh, YEAH, that's heaven!

CMA: Before we begin, we need to get some blatant self-advertising out of the way.

Our site: http://members.shaw.ca/c.alex

Our stories: Cronies Sonic Iron Chef Adventures of Eggman

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Day 1

13:24

Eggman Cafe

[Sonic and Amy are having a late lunch at the Eggman Café.]

Amy [feeling rather depressed]: You know, Sonic, there's something bothering me about the Cronies. I don't think it's what I want to do with my life. I'm thinking about leaving--

Sonic [ignoring her completely]: You know, Amy, I'm only here because of a bet.

Amy: What bet?

Sonic [suddenly angry]: Hey, you're RIGHT! I'LL SHOW THEM! [storms off]

Amy [very saddened]: Yeah...

[All of a sudden, a very suave, deep purple-colored porcupine-like teenager (like Sonic, but smaller with more spikes) walks up to the depressed Amy. He is wearing a custom built pair of SOAP shoes (different from Sonic's pair)]

Mysterious Porcupine: A pretty young girl like yourself shouldn't be so sad.

Amy [looking up]: What?

Mysterious Porcupine [pulls a pretty flower out of nowhere and hands it to a now blushing Amy]: We haven't been formally introduced: I am Spike the Porcupine, defender of justice.

Amy [trying to hide her blush]: Um, I'm Amy. Amy Rose.

Spike: A pleasure to meet you, Amy Rose. Perhaps some activity would alleviate your distress. Would you care to join me and a few of my friends this afternoon?

Amy [indecisive]: Wow, I don't know what to say--oh, okay, why not?

Spike [offering Amy his arm]: Shall we, then?

Amy [blushing even more as she wraps her arm around Spike's]: Gosh, okay!

Random Person A [out of nowhere; STILL loud]: WOW, SPIKE'S SO POLITE AND SEXY! WOULDN'T YOU AGREE, AMY? HEY EVERYONE, DON'T THESE TWO MAKE THE CUTEST COUPLE?

Amy [embarrassment blush]: I don't know that guy, Spike, really...

Spike [to Random Person A]: My friend, you realize that you are speaking far too loudly.

Random Person A [sad face]: WHY DO SAY THINGS YOU KNOW WILL HURT ME?

Spike: I mean no harm, my friend! You simply must learn to control the volume of your voice. Try it! You'll see!

Random Person A [NOT loud]: I guess I could give it a try--hey, I'm normal! I'M NORMAL--OH, DAMMIT, I CRACKED!

Spike: Just keep working on it.

Amy [mumbling to herself]: Wow, Sonic never treated me--or anyone--that nicely ever, except Tails, that pervert...

Spike [to Amy]: Pardon me, my dear. Shall we go?

[Amy says nothing, but smiles as she and Spike leave the Eggman Café.]

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INTRO THEME SONG

by Knuckles's Rap Band

They were sittin', in a cafe one day

Then some weird-ass nut came and says the bank wuz bein' stolen

Shadow says "What?" Sonic says "Whoa!"

And the superhero posse wuz born

They'z the CRONIES

The name looks like Friends

But they ain't no "Phoebe"

What's up with that bitch?

Is she crazy or stupid--I dunno man, that's just whack

We talkin' about CRONIES!

And that's a fact!

Sonic's fast and freaky

Shadow thinks Sakura-chick died

Tails flyin' like a COPTA'

Knuckles is boring--he's guarding the Master Emerald

Rouge is stealin' it right now--dumb ass ho

Amy gets captured every episode

Eggman doin' the commercials

No one knows why!

They'z the CRONIES

Crime ain't got nothin' on 'em

Can't think of how to end this song

So we's is outa here!

(Instrumental)

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C ٠R ٠O ٠N ٠I ٠E ٠S

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COMMERCIAL

[Eggman is searching for a place to sunbathe at the beach.]

Singers: ♪♫It doesn't matter what comes, fresh goes better with life, with Mentos fresh and full of life!♪♫

[A lifeguard looks at Eggman and shrugs.]

Singers: ♪♫Nothing gets to you, staying fresh, staying cool, with Mentos fresh and full of life!♪♫

[Eggman pops a Mentos, then pulls out a flamethrower. You can see Eggman yelling as he scares everyone off the beach.]

Singers: ♪♫Fresh goes better, Mentos freshness, fresh goes better with Mentos fresh and full of life!♪♫

[Eggman does the classic Mentos pose, smiling, as burning people run for help.]

Announcer: Mentos, the Fresh Maker!

Eggman: GET OFF MY BEACH!

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

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Day 1

14:26

Tails's Pad/Mystic Ruins Base

[The Cronies (sans Amy) and Eggman (?) are hanging out, watching the old Fantastic Four cartoon (the one with Herbie the Robot). Rouge isn't watching TV with them, she's trying out some new clothes in Sonic's room.]

Shadow [lazing on the couch]: Hey, why aren't WE called the Fantastic Four?

Tails: Because there's more than four of us--

Shadow: OH YEAH!

[The Cronies are watching the episode where the Fantastic Four encounter Magneto. Note that THIS Magneto was pre-X-Men and really gay: he had powers, but a) they sucked (Mr. Fantastic beat him up, for cripes sake) and b) he couldn't fly, but had a CAR WITH AN M ON IT! It had no wheels, but two ski-like things, that Magneto used his powers on to make it go. The REAL Magneto would be spinning in his grave, if he were dead.]

[Oh, and we're going to call that old, crappy Magneto from the Fantastic Four show "Classic Magneto."]

Knuckles: Wait a minute, Mr. Fantastic couldn't take Magneto! Hell, it's like [points to Juki and Shade, Sonic's Hero Chao and Shadow's Dark Chao (respectively)] THOSE two taking on Magneto!

Juki [angry, but cute]: Hey, we can beat people up!

Shade [angry/cute]: Starting NOW! [bites Eggman's ankle while Juki lightly pounds on Eggman's OTHER ankle (they're trying their best)]

Eggman [annoyed]: STOP it, that's annoying!

[Rouge walks into the living room. She's wearing her Sonic Adventure 2 Battle secret outfit (i.e. brown skank outfit that is VERY revealing)]

Rouge: Well, boys, how do I look?

Sonic [covering a drooling Tails's eyes]: Uh, very nice, Rouge.

Knuckles [HIGHLY sarcastic tone, but not meaning to be sarcastic (he's totally serious)]: Hey, is that Rouge? RING A DING, DING.

Rouge: Oh, SHUT UP! You sarcastic asshole!

Knuckles: What? I was dead serious! You look nice! Geez!

Eggman [elbowing Rouge playfully]: He's just buttering you up, Rouge.

Sonic [trying to change the subject]: Um, Shadow, you look like you're concentrating on something--

Shadow [getting lightly poked in the face by Juki and Shade]: You know, Shade would SO make a good "Shadow Junior."

Shade: That sucks!

Shadow: You take IT BACK--

[Suddenly, the doorbell rings...]

Shadow [triumphantly]: I'll get it!

[As the Chao cheer on Shadow for some reason, Shadow answers the door. For the two of you who didn't figure it out, it's Classic Magneto.]

Shadow [cocking an eyebrow]: Um, may I help you?

Classic Magneto: Fill up my gas tank!

Shadow: What are you talking about--

Classic Magneto [yelling; interrupting]: FOOL! MY CAR DOESN'T NEED GAS! [points to his "M" ski-car] I AM MAGNETO, MASTER OF MAGNETISM!

Tails: Speak of the devil... You know, you knocked on OUR door--

Classic Magneto: SOON, THE CRONIES WILL KNOW THE POWER OF MAGNETO! WHERE DO I FIND THEM?

Eggman: It's crappy Magneto! [pulls out a club] Hold him down, I'll break his legs!

Classic Magneto: FOOL! YOU'RE WEARING METAL! [tries to manipulate Eggman, but instead pulls off Sonic's Flame Ring]

Sonic: Hey, my ring!

Classic Magneto: CURSES!

Eggman: NOW we break his legs!

Classic Magneto [worried]: No, not the legs! [jumps into his "car" and scoots off] I'll be back!

Rouge: Should we pursue in the Cronari?

Sonic [pondering]: Mmm, no, he's not worth our time nor the miniscule amount of fuel it would take to catch up to him.

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Day 1

15:30

An Apartment Building

[Spike takes Amy to an apartment building.]

Spike [ever-so-charming-and-polite]: This is where my friends and I hang out.

Amy [still clinging to his arm]: You live here, Spike?

Spike: No, this is where my good friend Fist lives. We use his apartment as our headquarters, so to speak.

Amy: Your "headquarters?"

Spike: Oh, I neglected to mention: my friends and I are part of a justice defending group, the Inter-Companions.

Amy [thinking of something to say]: That's very... interesting...

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Day 1

15:30

Tails's Pad/Mystic Ruins Base

[Sonic suddenly shivers.]

Tails: Sonic, are you okay? What was that sudden shiver?

Sonic: I... don't... know...

Rouge [seductively to Tails, stroking Tails hairs]: I love a man who worries about his friends.

Knuckles: Um, yeah, friends are important to me, too! HEY, SHADOW, YOU OKAY?

Shadow [right beside Knuckles]: Dude, what the hell is wrong with you?

Knuckles [losing it]: I'M CARING, IS ALL! [grabs Shadow and throws him out the window; Tails grabs Knuckles to hold him back]

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Day 1

15:33

Inside Fist's Apartment Building

[Spike is introducing Amy to some of the Inter-Companions.]

Spike: Amy, this is my best friend, Hunter the Three-Tailed Hound Dog.

Hunter [in mechanic's garb, working on some piece of machinery; stops working for a moment]: Good afternoon. [Gets back to work]

Amy [pondering]: There's something funny about all this...

Spike: And here we have Fist the Anteater. He guards the mythical crystal in his apartment.

Fist [he's a chestnut-colored anteater with Knuckles-like claw-hands/gloves; extends right hand to shake Amy's]: A pleasure to make your acquaintance.

Amy: So, this mythical crystal... what does it do?

Fist: Nothing much, it just glows. It makes the perfect GameBoy Advance light, actually.

[An attractive (human, or close to it) woman with bat-wings walks into the apartment. She's a succubus. She's wearing a lovely Chinese dress that nicely accentuates her features without making her look overly whorish.]

Fist [mock anger]: Ah, Violet the Harlot. Why are you here? I told you to get the fuck out of my life, you bitch!

Amy [not realizing the "mock" anger]: Wow, just like Knuckles and Rouge...

Violet [mock anger]: Well, well, well, if it isn't Fist, the biggest cock sucker this side of the Atlantic ocean.

[A moment of silence, then...]

Fist [laughing as he and Violet hug]: Haha, I could never be cruel to you, Violet!

Violet [smiling]: After all, we ARE best friends! Ever since that flood...

Amy [to herself]: What's going on, here? These people are just like the Cronies, but... good to each other!

Spike [to Violet]: Say, have you seen Mr. Chicken Man?

Violet: I think he's still down at the orphanage.

Spike [to Amy]: Mr. Presario Chicken Man is a robotics expert. He makes useful robots for underprivileged orphans.

Amy [to herself]: Chicken Man? Orphanage? Presario!?

Spike [looking at Amy with concern in his eyes]: Amy, is something troubling you?

Amy [blushing again]: Nothing, nothing!

Spike: That's good to hear. [offering his arm again] Care for a trip to the orphanage?

Amy [again putting her arm around his]: I'd love to!

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Day 1

16:00

Tails's Pad/Mystic Ruins Base

[The Cronies, the Chao, and Eggman are now watching Friends. They're really desperate...]

Eggman: Stupid Ross, doesn't let Joey be with Rachel. [starting to cry] THEY'RE SO CUTE TOGETHER! WHY CAN'T I HAVE SEX?

Sonic [to himself]: Many reasons...

Rouge: Um, shouldn't we be out there fighting crime?

Eggman: Nah, let the police handle it.

Tails: Eggman, are you here just because you think that the police won't look for you here?

Eggman [twiddling his thumbs]: Well, yes, and you have those tasty cheesy nachos--

Sonic [losing it]: BUY YOUR OWN! YOU DAMN MOOCHER! GET THE HELL OUT! AND WHY ARE YOU DRINKING MY CHAMPAGNE? IT'S FOUR IN THE AFTERNOON!

Eggman [looking at the champagne bottle]: Um, cheers?

[Doorbell rings again.]

Shadow [getting up]: I swear to god, if that's who I think it is--

[Shadow opens the door to find Classic Magneto wearing a fake mustache. Note that he's still in his Magneto costume, so absolutely NOBODY is fooled.]

Classic Magneto: Hello, fools! I am Stan Lee! So, how about that Magneto? Quite a character, eh?

Shadow [shaking his head in shame; pissed off]: ... GET THE HELL OUT, CRAPPY MAGNETO--

Classic Magneto [throwing away the fake mustache]: BEHOLD MY TRUE IDENTITY! I AM NOT STAN LEE, BUT MAGNETO, THE MASTER OF MAGNETISM! BEHOLD MY POWERS! [uses powers to attract Sonic's Flame Ring]

Sonic: Hey! Shit, dude, if you like the damn Flame Ring so much, just keep it!

Classic Magneto: FOOL, I AM TAKING THIS RING HOSTAGE! FAREWELL! [drives off in "M" car]

Shadow: ... What the hell was that?

Sonic: Ah, just let him go.

Shadow: I swear, if he comes back...

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COMMERCIAL

[Sonic, Tails, Shadow, Knuckles, and Eggman are at a local pub.]

Eggman [to Tails]: How did YOU get in? In fact, how did Sonic and Knuckles get in? They're underage!

Knuckles [holding a shot glass]: Guys, a toast! To never having to guard the Master Emerald again!

Sonic, Eggman, Shadow, and Tails [raising their glasses]: Cheers! [tap glasses]

Knuckles [downing the shot]: Hmm, that wasn't much of a shot... [downs another, and then another, and then another, until...]

[Fifteen minutes later, Tails is sleeping, Eggman is bored and hitting on chicks who think that Tails is cute, Shadow is drumming his fingers impatiently, and Sonic's observing the now very drunk Knuckles.]

Knuckles [to Sonic; drunken slurred voice]: You know what, Amy? If you weren't going out with Rouge, I'd take her like THAT! [throws shot glass at wall, where the glass promptly shatters; Knuckles is suddenly sad] I am SO SORRY, Amy! Please don't tell Sonic! God, how I love Rouge!

Sonic [puzzled look]: Dude, are you okay? You're sickening me, here!

[Knuckles raises his hand and opens his mouth as if about to speak, but then passes out on the counter and starts snoring.]

Eggman [to Tails-observing chicks]: Um, I raised little Tails here! He's my son! Takes after his mother!

Shadow: What are you talking about--

Eggman: Shut up, Shadow! [comes to a realization] How is this promoting my empire? In fact, why am I here?

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

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Day 1

16:29

"The Orphanage"

[Spike, Amy, Fist, and Violet walk into the orphanage.]

Spike [patting a child on the head]: Hello, Billy!

Billy [cute little boy; cute little voice]: Hi, Spike!

Spike: Say, where's your uncle at?

Billy: Uncy Chicken Man is in the back! He's busy, but he said he'd play games with us later!

Amy: How cute! Mr. Chicken Man's his uncle?

Billy: No, not my real Uncy! But everyone calls him Uncy Chicken Man!

Amy [giggling]: Well, he sounds really nice!

[A few minutes later]

Spike [knocking on a back room door]: Mr. Chicken Man? Are you busy?

Voice from behind door: One moment!

[The door opens to reveal a well-built, well-tanned, tall man. He had shoulder length blonde hair and sideburns leading to a mustache-less beard. He kind of looks like Max/Fog from Tales of Destiny 2/Tales of Eternia.]

Amy [blushing a bit from all these handsome people]: You're Mr. Chicken Man?

Mr. Chicken Man [bowing slightly]: Indeed. [grabs Amy's hand and kisses it] Such a lovely young lady! Are you Spike's date?

Spike [from behind a now beet-red Amy]: You're so silly, Chicken Man! Amy's our new friend!

Another voice: A new friend? Awesome!

[Amy turns to see someone who looks almost exactly like Spike, but is black-colored (like Shadow) and has sporty yellow stripes (like Shadow's red ones).]

Spike: What's up Darky? Amy, this is Darky the Porcupine, the ultimate nice guy!

Darky: Yes, I AM the ultimate nice guy! And I WASN'T born on the Bernoulli Space Colony ARK.

Amy [confused]: Um, why'd you mention that?

[Darky shrugs.]

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Day 1

17:02

Tails's Pad/Mystic Ruins Base

[The "gang" (?) are STILL watching TV, when that 7-Up commercial with the chick who gets off at the touch of her 7-Up drinking boyfriend comes on.]

Eggman: Oh, fuck, that's NOT what 7-Up does! It DOESN'T give you chilly orgasms! [shakes head in shame] Believe me, I know...

Rouge: Eggman, must you sicken us CONTINUOUSLY?

Sonic [angry]: We keep telling you to leave! Now LEAVE! WHY ARE YOU HERE? WHAT IS YOUR PURPOSE FOR BEING HERE?

Eggman: ... attention ...

[Doorbell. You know who it is.]

Shadow [groaning]: Stupid Magneto, why does he keep coming back? Maybe he'll give back Sonic's ring, or die, or something...

[Shadow opens the door to find Magneto holding a metal can. The can has "KANN" badly handwritten (probably by Magneto) on it. One of the N's is backwards. Real smooth...]

Magneto [still in his triumphantly stupid voice]: Please give... TO THE POOR!

Shadow [leaning against the door frame, smirking]: So, let me get this straight: you took about one hour and two fucking minutes to come up with your "KANN plan." Real classy, Mags--

Magneto: BEHOLD, THIS IS *NOT* A CAN! WAIT, IT IS! BUT I AM *NOT* REALLY COLLECTING FOR THE POOR! I AM MAGNETO, MAS-

Shadow: "Master of Magnetism," I know, I know, shut up.

Sonic [from behind Shadow, drinking milk directly from Tails's milk carton, much to Tails's dismay]: Close the door, you're letting in a draft!

Shadow: FINE! Frasier's on in ten minutes, anyway!

Magneto: BUT I-- [gets door slammed in face; decides to use his powers to slam the can repeatedly into the door]

Shadow [opening the door again]: You know, you're REALLY starting to annoy me. Why don't you go rob a bank--oh, right, um, burn down a building or something, and we'll go kill you!

Magneto: FOOL, WHILE YOU WERE TALKING, I DECIDED TO GO BURN DOWN A BUILDING IN THE CITY! SEE YOU THERE!

Shadow: ... whatever ... [closes door]

[Shadow sits back down. While the group is watching Frasier, a news bulletin interrupts the broadcast.]

TV News Person: We interrupt this program to bring you breaking news! A madman with an "M" ski-car has just set fire to Sephiroth: Tailor of Death, the new tailor that just opened where the bank used to be! Apparently, the people who were still lined up to make transactions... are still there, unaware that a) the bank isn't there anymore, and b) the new building is on fire.

Shadow: Wow, Classic Magneto sure is quick on his feet!

TV News Person: Wait, it appears as if Sephiroth, the owner of the tailor shop, has just used a Water spell to put out the fire! Wait! Now Sephiroth is beating the holy hell out of the arsonist with one hand!

Classic Magneto: OH GOD! [getting pummeled] STOP!

Sephiroth: Set fire to MY shop, will you?

Aeris [poking Sephiroth in the face as Sephiroth continues to pummel]: Sephy, Sephy, I think you're really hurting him!

Sephy [continuing to pummel]: I don't care.

TV News Person: And there you have it! Another crime thwarted by... Sephiroth? Oh well, back to Frasier...

[The Cronies and Eggman (?) take a moment to absorb what they just saw. Then...]

Tails: Who wants to go check it out?

Knuckles: I do! Frasier's sucked since Niles and Daphne got together, anyway.

Rouge: Agreed. Let's go.

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Day 1

17:32

Near Sephiroth: Tailor of Death

[The Cronies, Eggman (?), Juki, and Shade arrive, in the Cronari, to see a bloody and battered Magneto tied to a lamp post.]

Classic Magneto [groggy voice]: Ugh... Finally I have him RIGHT where I want him...

Shadow [shaking his head in shame]: I pity you.

Juki and Shade [noticing Amy across the street with her new friends]: AMY! OVER HERE!

Sonic: What are you two talking about? [Sees Amy and crew; yells to her] HEY, AMY! WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?

Knuckles [yelling to Amy]: WHERE'S MY SAMMICH, WOMAN? [Rouge slaps Knuckles]

Eggman [also yelling to Amy]: HEY, AMY! WE FOUND THOSE VIBRATING PANTIES YOU WANTED! [pulls out a rumbling gift box] SEE!? [winks]

Amy [turning extremely red]: I swear, I don't know them...

Spike: Wait here, gang, I'll go talk to them.

Amy [whispering to Spike]: That isn't a good idea--

Spike: Amy, people are fundamentally good.

Amy: Oh god...

[Spike walks up to the Cronies.]

Spike: Hello, I'm Spike the Porcupine, defender of justice.

Sonic [angry]: EXCUSE ME, pal, but I'm Sonic the Hedgehog, and I'M this planet's "defender of justice."

Spike: My apologies, but I don't think I've ever heard of you.

Sonic [angry]: You've never heard of me, OR the Cronies, here? Hey Tails, Knuckles, Rouge, Eggman, Shadow, Juki, Shade, Amy--oh, right, anyway, introduce yourselves to this ignorant hedgehog wannabe!

Juki [tugging on Sonic's leg]: Daddy, are me and Shade part of the Cronies?

Sonic: Not *technically*--

Shade: Oh fuck you.

Tails: Sorry about Sonic here, he gets a little carried away. [Shakes Spike's hand] I'm Miles Prower, but everyone calls me Tails!

Spike: Hey, weren't you the boy who saved Station Square?

Tails [happily]: That's me!

Sonic [really pissed off]: YOU'VE HEARD OF TAILS BUT NOT ME--

Eggman [cutting off Sonic]: I'm Dr. Ivo Robotnik, but because of my [looks down, pats stomach] glandular state, everyone calls me Eggman!

Spike: Hey, weren't you the guy that Tails saved Station Square from?

Sonic [angry]: YOU'VE HEARD OF EGGMAN, BUT YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF THE GUY--ME--WHO ALWAYS STOPS HIM?

Spike: Afraid not, my blue friend.

Sonic [angry]: FRIEND!?

Rouge: I'm Rouge the Bat.

Spike: Oh, the government spy, right?

[Sonic screams]

Knuckles: I'm Knuck--

Spike: The Guardian Echidna of the Floating Island and its Master Emerald?

[Sonic is banging his head repeatedly on the post that Magneto is tied to]

Shadow [cocking an eyebrow]: Certainly you wouldn't know who I am, would you?

Spike: Weren't you the fellow who was mistaken for some local blue hero, whose name escapes me at the moment, on the news during the Space Colony ARK conflict?

Sonic [screaming]: SOMETIMES I THINK YOU'RE DOING THIS ON PURPOSE! [calms down somewhat] I *swear*, if he knows what are Chao's names are...

Juki [cute, worried voice]: Daddy, he scares me!

Shade [cute, anxious voice]: He's using evil powers! [Both Chao start lightly pounding on Spike's legs] Take this, and this, and [they get tired and sit down] wow this is hard...

Spike [kneeling down; pats one Chao in each hand]: I'm not evil, little ones! There's no need to worry!

Juki: You're nice!

Shade: Let's dance! [Juki and Shade start dancing, playing, and giggling merrily]

Sonic [jealous; snatches the two Chao off the ground]: That'll be enough of that!

[AUTHORS' NOTE]

CMA: The above situation is based on a true story, somewhat. You see, Neusy and GMS would raise Chao in Sonic Adventure 2. I never really did, not really caring. GMS quit. Neusy raised the Chao on her own. We had Juki and Shade in the Neutral Garden. One day, Neusy wanted me to feed them, give them Chaos Drives, and whatnot. Suddenly, when I enter the garden, the Chao start dancing together, playing, and giggling. Juki started first, then Shade walked by and joined in. It was quite cute. However, because I got it to happen for me while doing zero work, Neusy... she nearly killed me.

Judge Neusy: What the hell? Seriously? He did absolutely nothing, and I raised them for god knows how long? [starts punching CMA]

GMS: We now return to our regularly scheduled program.

[END AUTHORS' NOTE]

Spike: Well, why don't I introduce the members of my superhero group, the Inter-Companions!

Sonic [thinking]: Inter-Companions... that sounds familiar...

Spike [calling to his team]: Hey, guys, come on over and meet the Cronies and some guy named Sonic!

[Sonic's eyes start twitching angrily]

Hunter: I'm Hunter the Three-Tailed Hound Dog. I'm the team mechanic.

Darky: I'm Darky the Porcupine. I WASN'T created on the Space Colony ARK and DIDN'T have my crippled friend Maria die before my eyes.

Shadow [starts bawling uncontrollably]: You bastard!

Darky: What, that was YOUR life? I'm terribly sorry!

Shadow [suddenly stops]: That's okay. Honest mistake. Life goes on, and such.

Fist: I am Fist the Anteater. I guard the mythical crystal in my downtown apartment.

Knuckles [coy voice]: Downtown apartment?

Violet [bowing]: I'm Violet the Harlot. Pleased to meetcha!

Fist: Violet, why do you have my mythical crystal in your pocket?

Violet [returning the crystal to Fist]: You dropped it on the way out. Sorry for not telling you before, as I forgot.

Fist [takes crystal]: Many thanks, my friend. [Fist and Violet hug]

Knuckles: Rouge, why can't WE be like that?

Rouge: Oh, I'd like to be, if SOMEONE, Knuckackles, wasn't a SARCASTIC ASS ALL THE FUCKING TIME!

Knuckles [freaking out]: KNUCKACKLES!? I TOLD YOU, YOU LOOKED NICE! YOU KNOW WHAT, ROUGE? [points to Violet] SHE'S NOT THE HARLOT! [points to Rouge] YOU'RE THE HARLOT!

[Rouge kicks Knuckles in the face]

Mr. Chicken Man: Good afternoon! I am Mr. Presario Chicken Man! I build robots for underprivileged orphans!

Eggman [eating some fat]: Muh!?

Mr. Chicken Man [has one Neutral Chao on each shoulder]: These are our Neutral female Chao: Kooky and Maid!

Shade: Those are gay-ass names!

Kooky: Frankly, that's rude and uncalled for!

Shade: THAT'S MY LINE! GET'EM, SHADE!

Juki [knowing full well that Shade said "Shade" instead of "Juki"]: Grrr!

Sonic [still thinking]: Inter-Companions...

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FLASHBACK

Cronies Chapter 1...

Sonic: I've got several suggestions that are cutting edge! [Pulls out list] Cut Friends! Edge Row! Inter-Companions! Cheese Batons! The Camcorders!...

Shadow: My god, we're gonna be here for a while...

______________________________________________

Back to our story...

Sonic [to himself]: Cut Friends... Edge Row... Inter-Companions... [realization] Inter-Companions? [anger/rage] INTER-COMPANIONS!? [points to Spike] YOU *DO* KNOW ME! YOU STOLE ONE OF MY NAMES! I'LL KILL YOU DEAD! [Sonic's about to charge at Spike, when Shadow and Tails hold him back]

Tails: Sonic, spare him!

[Sonic is screaming and enraged]

Shadow: Calm down! IT'S A CRAPPY NAME! LET 'EM HAVE IT! I MEAN, COME ON, "CHEESE BATONS?" What were you high on, man?

Sonic: FINE! C'mon guys, we're going back to headquarters.

Tails [mumbling angrily to himself]: Yeah, MY headquarters--

Sonic: SHUT IT! C'mon, Amy, let's go!

Spike: Wait just a moment, Amy. Wouldn't you rather stay with us? We happen to need a cute secretary, and you're both cute and charming!

[Amy blushes under the complements.]

Sonic [cynical voice]: Yeah, NOW you need a secretary, jackass.

Knuckles [being his jerk self]: Yeah, move that ass over here! It's ass-ilicious!

Shadow: STOP ADDING "licious" to EVERY FUCKING WORD! [socks Knuckles in the head]

Knuckles [rubbing head]: Ow, that was hurting-licious--

[Shadow loses it and starts brawling with Knuckles. Rouge joins in.]

Spike: What do you say, Amy? Cronies or Inter-Companions? You know that we'll treat you with the respect you deserve.

Sonic [angry]: Are you saying that we don't treat Amy with respect?

Eggman [chiming in out of nowhere]: Not really--

Sonic: Stay outta this, fatty.

Eggman [angry]: STUPID, AM I?

Sonic [confused and irritated]: What!?

[Eggman loses it and starts brawling with Sonic.]

Amy: What should I do?

[Amy looks at the Inter-Companions. She sees Spike's handsome, warm, inviting smile. The others are radiating that warmth as well. The two neutral Chao are playing happily in a field of flowers. Also, out of sheer coincidence, the setting sun is illuminating them in a heavenly aura of sorts. Very nice.]

Amy [cupping her chin in her hand]: The Inter-Companions are so nice and polite, to each other, strangers, and ME most of all. Spike's cute, AND he seems to like me.

[Amy then looks at the Cronies. Sonic and Eggman are strangling each other. Eggman somehow, in the few seconds that Amy wasn't looking, managed to change into a top hat, bow tie, sweat pants, and no shirt. Was his old outfit lost in the skirmish? Amy didn't want to think about it. Knuckles and Rouge were making out on the street; groping, rolling, and so forth. Shadow and Tails were attempting to set up a camera directly beneath Amy's dress for optimal panty view. Juki and Shade are biting each other. In addition, the setting sun happens to be in a position where it can't shine on the Cronies, so they look really dark and hopeless. Very... yeah.]

Eggman [looking around]: Who turned out the lights?

Amy [head down]: I'm sorry, Sonic, but I'm going with Spike and the Inter-Companions.

[The Cronies stop doing what they're doing and stand up.]

Sonic [indifferent]: Fine.

Eggman: So long! Farewell!

Shadow [cocking an eyebrow]: You'll be back!

Rouge [looking sad]: Hate to see you go. Take care.

Knuckles: Before you go, make me my sammich! [Gets kicked in the back of the head by Rouge]

Tails [also looking sad]: If that's what you want, Amy. I'll miss you.

Juki and Shade [a little teary-eyed]: The biting hurt... bye Amy!

[Amy is saddened somewhat by Rouge, Tails, and the Chao's reactions. Amy is angry at Sonic, Shadow, and Knuckles. She... was indifferent towards Eggman, not quite knowing why he was there...]

Amy [turning to Spike; taking one last look at the Cronies]: So long, guys. [The Inter-Companions and Amy start to walk away.]

Knuckles [running to Amy]: Wait, Amy! Can I come, too?

Amy [looks at Knuckles]: Sorry, Knuckles. [points to Fist] But we already have a Knuckles!

Knuckles: I understand.

[The Inter-Companions and their new member walk into the sunset. Then, they remember that their HQ is back in the city, so they come back and go inside Fist's apartment.]

Sonic [calling to them]: YOU DAMN IDIOTS!

Eggman: Not ANOTHER two-parter...

Dragon Ball Z Announcer: What awaits Amy Rose and the Cronies now? Stay tuned for scenes from the next CRONIES!

______________________________________________

[AUTHORS' NOTE 2]

CMA: I have to get this off my chest: I hate all boy bands. In fact, I hate most music groups and so-called "artists" whose crap fills my ears everyday. My cohorts disagree with me, but they don't know anything. [Neusy slaps CMA; GMS kicks CMA] Oh, before I forget: special thanks to David Hackman for coming up with E2 (you'll see...). Anywho, on with the commercial.

[END AUTHORS' NOTE 2]

COMMERCIAL

[Eggman is polishing the top of his Egg Carrier]

"Someone" [voice coming out of thin air]: Eggman--

Eggman [jumping three feet into the air]: What the!?

"Someone": THIS IS THE STORY OF YOUR LIFE!

Eggman: WaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!?

"Someone": Eggman, can you try guessing this song?

[Song clip of the Backstreet Boys singing their supposed "hit," Backstreet's Back]

Eggman [thinking]: Hmm... *NSYNC!

"Someone" [angry]: No, that wasn't even close--you kinda ruined what we had planned--ah, who cares. Bring out *NSYNC!

All of *NSYNC: EGGMAN!

Eggman: Guys! It's been a while! Come here, JC! [hugs JC]

JC [freaking out]: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

"Someone": Eggman, how did you know it was *NSYNC?

Eggman: Quite simple. See, I used to be part of what is now known as *NSYNC. Or, rather, they were a part of MY band, the E-Squared (E2)!

Joey [chiming in]: I helped come up with that name--

Eggman: Quiet, Joey, or I'll beat you again.

Joey [sad face]: I'll be good...

Justin: So, Eggman, did you conquer the world?

Chris [acting supposedly "cool"]: Yeah, didja pick up any hotties over the years?

Eggman [looking at Chris strangely]: Stop that. You frighten me. [looks at Lance Bass] Hey, Lance, I hear you're doing the voice of Cloud in Kingdom Hearts!

Lance Bass: Cloud? But I'm a pansy! I can't do Cloud!

Eggman: You must be very proud of yourself. [mumbles] Fruitcake... So, anyway, I DIDN'T conquer the world yet, but maybe on Saturday!

JC: Good for you, Eggman!

Eggman: So, did you guys ever get your big break?

Justin: Actually, Eggman, five minutes after you left, we changed the band name from E-Squared (E2) to *NSYNC. One minute after that, we let our agent know that you left. Twenty seconds after that, we each had two million dollars. Half-a-second after--

Eggman [screaming]: I GET THE POINT!

Joey: Hey, let's go kill the Backstreet Boys! You've got weapons, right Eggman?

Eggman [eyes light up]: DO I!? [cocks a shotgun] Let's kill some drunken fag boys!

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

______________________________________________

Dragon Ball Z Announcer: On the next episode of Cronies...

***

Vectorman: We have to get Amy back!

Sonic: Vectorman? What is it with you people bumming at Tails's house?

Tails [angry look]: Yeah, Sonic, what IS it with people eating MY food, using MY beds, and littering in MY mountain?

Vectorman: Word...

***

Eggman [singing]: ♪♫A dream is a wish your heart makes--[gets slapped in the face by... nobody?] Ow, who did that?

Vectorman: Word...

Sonic [looking around]: Yeah, who DID slap Eggman--

Vectorman [angry]: I said WORD. This section's done!

***

[Eggman is jumping rope on a bridge over a dangerous rapids. Why does Eggman insist on jumping rope in dangerous places? Only we know...]

Eggman [singing and jumping rope, dangerously close to the edge of the bridge]: ♪♫Blue bells, taco shells, eevy ivy over, I like eggnog, I like beer, I like porno and porno likes me, A, B, C-- [falls over the safety rail] WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH-- [splashes] WHY-- [gurgling] MUST THIS HAPPEN-- [gurgling again]

Shadow [walking on a trail beside the rapids; sees Eggman swept by, calling for help]: Deserved it!

Vectorman: Word...

***

THE END... for now...again...one more time... BEHOLD, IT IS NOT THE END...