Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ CRONIES ❯ Penalty Game! Curse of Fanfic! ( Chapter 7 )

CRONIES

A triple team production by:

THE TRIPLE PEEPS

Apollo Alexandre, a.k.a. "Grand Master Shoma" (GMS)

Neusa Gaspar, a.k.a. "Judge Neusy"

Carlos Alexandre, a.k.a. "CMA" (CMA)

http://www.triplepeeps.com/

Judge Neusy: DISCLAIMER: Any characters mentioned in this story that are not the distinctive likenesses of anyone else--including, but not limited to, Sega, Sonic Team, Nintendo, Koshi Rikdo, Konami, etc.--were created by us, and may not be used without our permission. All characters and distinctive likenesses not created by us are the property of their respective owners.

GMS: Oh, God, kill me now, I've been alive for so long...

CMA: What's buggin' you?

GMS: Nuthin', I'm just being a jackass.

Judge Neusy: Mmm... I MADE TOCHI! [referring to her new Phantasy Star Online (GameCube) character; if you must know, it's a HUnewearl]

GMS: I'm a FOmar...

CMA: ...and I'm a RAmar. I like guns...

[One hour later...]

CMA: Originally released on 5/7/2003! Get to it!

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Day 1

20:59

"The Streets"

Dubbed Anime Dark Yugi [henceforth known as Anime Yugi; not too intimidating; walking with Tea (the dubbed Anzu)]: Hahaha, I talk a lot as I duel!

Tea [being THE LACKEY THAT SHE IS]: Wow, you are sure awesome, Yugi! Take me now!

Anime Yugi [thinking about it]: Mmm... no! I'm... tired...

[ANOTHER Yugi-looking figure, with another Tea-looking figure hanging off of his arm, walk up to Anime Yugi. The Yugi-look-alike is actually the much, much scarier Dark Yugi from the manga (read Shonen Jump; it's un-censored!) that makes small children cry with a single glance, and henceforth known as Manga Yugi. The girl is Anzu (the manga Tea), and is STILL A FUCKING TOOL.]

Manga Yugi [genuinely frightening]: So, you think you're clever copying me, hmm?

Anime Yugi [taken aback]: Copy? You fool, *I* am the real copy!

Manga Yugi [narrowing eyes; very scary]: Let's play a little game! [pulls out... A GRENADE] I've rigged this grenade to explode when I drop it! [throws it at Anime Yugi's feet] Ooops...

Anime Yugi [wide-eyed]: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--

[Anime Yugi and Tea's cries are muffled by... the explosion that just killed them. Manga Yugi and a slightly scared Anzu walk away.]

Manga Yugi [dark, scary voice]: Eggman didn't finish the job when he tried to kill you, Anime Yugi. [see Cronies 5; the first commercial] As revenge, I will destroy your main source of food and shelter: THE CRONIES!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

[Anzu cringes a bit as Yugi's laughter echoes across the night, scaring small children and killing small animals. However, as he does this, a red streak flies by him.]

Anzu [looking around]: What was that?

Manga Yugi [looks at his wrist; the "red streak" stole his watch]: GRANDPA'S WATCH! I must retrieve it! [very dark] I will destroy the soul of the one who did this!

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Knuckles: We need a new theme song!

Rap Crew [angry]: We ain't singin' it!

Cloud [indifferent; see Eggman on Ice]: Fine, here goes.

INTRO THEME SONG

by an unenthusiastic Cloud

The Cronies, they're lazing around

Scratching their balls and such!

Abusin' their power, not solving crime

They just don't do that much!

They pick fights with people

They waste all their time

They wrote this song, the lazy bastards

So this line has to rhyme!

Sonic is a bitch

And the rest are so-and-so

Now let's get on with this crap

So we can all go home!

(Instrumental)

Knuckles [not impressed]: Our theme song sucks...

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C ٠R ٠O ٠N ٠I ٠E ٠S

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COMMERCIAL

[Sakura and Shaoron are hanging around outside at lunch time. Suddenly, Captain Douglas Jay Falcon walks up to them.]

Captain Falcon [being like Captain Falcon]: Good afternoon, children!

Sakura and Shaoron [a little sad]: Hey, Captain Falcon.

Captain Falcon: Aw, what's wrong today, you cute little anime couple you?

Sakura: Well... it's Eriol again. He's back in town and I hear he has new "tests" ready for Shaoron-kun and me.

Shaoron: I wish I could kill him.

Captain Falcon: Eriol, eh?

[Eriol's house. Eriol is about to answer the door after hearing the bell.]

Eriol [opening door]: Hel--

Captain Falcon: FALCON KICK!!!

[Eriol's face suddenly meets Captain Falcon's flaming foot. Before Eriol could hit the wall, Captain Falcon grabs him by the face and starts pummeling him with flaming fists.]

Eriol [coughing up blood]: Who are you?

Captain Falcon: The flaming messenger of death!... Or something like that. Now shut up kid and take your fiery beating from an adult like a MAN!

[Eriol tries to teleport away but Captain Falcon knew where he would appear (with his Falcon powers?) and furthered the beating. Eriol starts crying.]

Eriol [bawling]: OKAY, I'M SORRY! WHATEVER I DID, I'M SORRY!

Captain Falcon [cocky]: Man, I rock ass! So you're going to leave Sakura and her boyfriend alone, right?

Eriol: What? I just came to get some stuff for my new home in England!

Captain Falcon [furious rage]: ENGLAND!?

[The beating continues]

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

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Day 2

11:30

A Park Just Outside the Eggman Cafe

Shadow [reading the newspaper]: Wow, it says that two teenagers died horrible deaths due to explosion burns! Crazy kids these days...

Sonic [annoyed]: Um, Shadow, that's interesting and all, but WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIGHT, HERE!

[Which they are. Tails is currently fighting Metabee from Medabots; Ikki is ordering Medabee and Shadow is acting as Tails's "trainer/Medafighter" and such. During this scene, until Metabee gets defeated (oops, spoiled it), you hear the Medabots battle theme in the background.]

Metabee [cocky]: It's time for me to get Meta-busy on your ass!

Shadow [yelling at his wrist]: Tails, move in and kick his ass!

Tails [beside Shadow; breathing heavily, as he's the ONLY ONE FIGHTING]: Um, I'm right beside you Shadow--

Shadow [angry]: I said KICK HIS ASS! [kicks Tails in the ass HARD]

[As Tails and Metabee continue fighting...]

Ikki: Time for the secret weapon! PREPARE THE ERIKA CATAPULT!!!

[A catapult is wheeled out. Erika is chained and ready to be launched.]

Erika [desperate]: IKKI, I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD, IF YOU LAUNCH ME--

Ikki [ignoring her]: Fire the catapult. [who is he talking to?]

[Erika is fired. Her screaming isn't heard for long, as she flies off into the distance. She flew far above Tails so the catapult was useless; Ikki just wanted to launch Erika.]

Knuckles [watching Erika fly]: Well that was unexpected.

Sonic [bored]: Holy crap, this is taking too long! Tails, throw him onto the street to get hit by a car!

Tails [saluting]: Roger! [Tails rams Metabee onto the street; Metabee is hit by a fire truck... being driven by Eggman?]

Eggman [jumps out]: Hey, guys, what's happening-- [sees the destroyed Metabee] FUNCTION CEASED! THE WINNER IS... TAILS!

Tails [hurt and bruised]: Can I go home now?

Rouge [cleaning a large diamond ring]: Yay, we're done. [plays with Tails's three hairs; sultry voice] I love a man who gives me jewels...

Tails [blushing, but confused]: I didn't give you that ring.

Rouge [stares blankly at the ring]: Then I probably stole it. Whatever.

Knuckles [extremely pissed]: *I* GAVE YOU THAT RING, YOU BITCH!!! GOD!!!

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Day 2

12:30

Eggman Cafe

[The Cronies are relaxing at the café after lunch. They're watching the news on the café's TV.]

Amy: So why would Ikki and Metabee go nuts and attack people on the streets?

Sonic [blatantly ignoring Amy]: I'm sorry, Amy, I didn't hear you. You were dead air to me.

Rouge: Hey, what's that on the news?

News Reporter [on the TV]: So what happened, little boy?

Little Boy H [quavering young voice]: Well, the scary man, he challenged us to hop scotch and won because we didn't know where his watch was. Then, he started yelling "penalty game" really, really loud! We were so scared, we ran away! Next day, the playground burned!!!

Eggman [suddenly there]: NOW THAT'S JUST SICK!!!

[Sonic, Shadow, Amy, Rouge, and Tails all glare at Eggman.]

Eggman [angry]: IT WASN'T ME THIS TIME!!!

Rouge [angry]: Just like it wasn't you that bombed Tails's house, or conquered the Moon Kingdom--

Shadow [mad]: --or took down the aviary! I loved those birds!

Knuckles [reading an issue of Shonen Jump; scared]: Oh my god, it's him...

Sonic: Who?

Knuckles [freaking out; runs out of the café]: I DIDN'T DO IT! YOU CAN'T PROVE THAT I DID IT!

Rouge [surprised]: Wow, was anyone even talking to him?

Amy [picks up the Shonen Jump that Knuckles dropped]: Hey, doesn't this scary Yugi Moto kind of resemble who that kid was talking about?

Eggman [looks at it]: Fucked up hair... millennium puzzle... manga art-style... yep, we're dealing with Manga Yugi!

Sonic: We? Manga Yugi?

Eggman [explaining]: Different from the Anime Yugi. This one kills people who cross him. Dead. [shows a panel in the manga of Yugi killing a bully with a test tube explosion]

Tails [looking away]: AAH, that's scary!

Sonic [serious]: We need to be ready for this one. [to Tails] Tails, make us a helicopter!

Tails: What? Now?--

Shadow [giddy]: Call it the Crocopter!

Tails: Quiet! I'll build it later! Right now we'll deal with Manga Yugi who's at the door!

[The Cronies turn to find Manga Yugi frightening the other customers with his glare alone. Anzu is beside him, kinda shy.]

Sonic [to Amy]: Amy, you haven't been kidnapped yet! This is like a record! You might wanna hide so it doesn't happen this episode!

Amy [kinda angry]: Thanks, Sonic.

Manga Yugi [death glare]: Ah, the Cronies! I believe today is your day to die!

Anzu [follower...]: Um, yeah, that's right!

Shadow [to Anzu]: Shut up, you little slave! If you love your precious Yugi so much, why don't you marry him?

Anzu [sad]: I don't think he'd--

Manga Yugi: That will not be happening. [hold palm towards Amy; she disappears in a flash of light] If you want your little friend back, meet me at the Mystic Ruins near the fox's house. I will be waiting... [next, Yugi and Anzu disappear after having a sip of coffee that tastes like Eggman]

Eggman [pissed]: Sonic, we cannot let them get away without commenting that the coffee tastes like me! Let's go!

Sonic [shaking head]: That was just... I don't even know anymore... C'mon, let's go save Amy before she freaks out and beats Tails again.

Tails [blushing]: I didn't mind...

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Day 2

12:50

An Alley Somewhere

Knuckles [all scared; also pissed; looking down at a receipt]: This piece of crap! I shouldn't have sold that piece of crap to buy the expensive piece of crap for that bazonga-licious piece of crap! She makes me SO mad...

Eggman [out of nowhere]: Hey, Knuckles.

Knuckles [jumps seven feet in the air, as he thought is was Manga Yugi]: GAH! What do YOU want? You trying to manipulate me to kill Sonic again?

Eggman: No, that's tomorrow's plan! I'm just wondering why you're so damn scared all of a sudden! Did you do something to Manga Yugi?

Knuckles [looks at Eggman's wrist; notices something]: I, um, have to go! [climbs up a building and glides off]

[On a nearby roof, Knuckles lands. Suddenly, his Crony-Phone starts ringing.]

Knuckles [looking at the phone]: Oh, yeah, I forgot to leave this at home. [answers it] Hello?

Tails [on other end]: Knuckles, get to my place! You have to help us fight Manga Yugi!

Knuckles [mad]: Shut your hole! [hangs up; sighs] Oh, well, time to face my destiny. [glides off] Will I die like the rest of my people?

Mysterious Voice in the air: YES.

Knuckles [freaking out]: WHO SAID THAT? WHO SAID THAT!?

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Day 2

13:00

Mystic Ruins Outside Tails's House

Anzu [tugging Yugi's arm]: Do we really have to kill them?

Manga Yugi: What do I tell you every time you ask that? Besides, I must get my grandpa's watch back!

Sonic: Alright, we're here. Do you want us to kick the living shit out of you quickly or slowly?

Tails [to Yugi]: A request, from one intellectual warrior to another: please leave my house unharmed. It's been destroyed by Eggman, by the Hamtaro, and by Tomoyo already. I really don't want to rebuild it.

Manga Yugi: Out of respect for your various published scientific papers that I've read and enjoyed and used to kill people, I will leave your house unharmed.

Rouge [cocky]: I'm the one who always saves our asses, anyway. I'll take care of you so we can watch Friends. Bring it!

Manga Yugi [evil, evil smile]: SHADOW REALM BARRIER!!! [as he says this, a barely-visible barrier surrounds a large area but only has Rouge and Yugi inside; the rest of the Cronies are left out and Anzu, who was clinging to Yugi's arm, was knocked away]

Rouge [slightly more nervous]: Oh, shitters...

Manga Yugi: This barrier prevents outside interference and will prevent us from harming those not involved in our game. Now, Rouge, what game shall I play with you?

Rouge [cleverly suggesting a game that she thinks she can win]: Okay, I challenge YOU to a game!

Manga Yugi [intrigued]: Oh? And what game is that?

Rouge [pulls out two Master Emerald shards; tosses one to Yugi]: At the count of ten, we turn around and place the emerald piece somewhere on our person. After another ten seconds, we turn around and must steal the opponent's piece. First person with the other piece wins. You game?

Manga Yugi [smirk]: Are those the only rules?

Rouge [confident]: Yes.

Manga Yugi: I accept!

[Rouge counts to ten, then she and Yugi turn. Rouge hides the shard in between her bountiful bouncies. Yugi simply pockets his shard. Rouge counts to ten again, then she and Yugi turn around and stare at each other.]

Tails: I see what Rouge is doing, coaxing him to play her game, then hiding it in a place he'll be hard-pressed to touch. Rouge is a master-thief; as clever as a fox! [drooling] I wish she WAS a fox...

Shadow [irritating]: Shut up, Tails, I wanna watch!

[Yugi holds his palm towards Rouge. His palm glows for a moment, then in it appears Rouge's emerald piece.]

Manga Yugi: Is this your shard?

Rouge [feeling for her shard; it's gone]: You CHEATER!

Manga Yugi [evil]: Incorrect. Your rules did not state that I couldn't retrieve it from afar, nor that I couldn't use magic. Correct?

[Rouge is now scared.]

Manga Yugi [frightening]: You lose. PENALTY GAME! HEART OF THE JEWEL!

[As he says this, Rouge gets encased entirely in a jewel. Within, she isn't moving; she's more or less frozen in time. But she can hear things.]

Manga Yugi [lowering the Shadow Realm Barrier]: Thus, you become one with the jewels you most desire. Learn from this, for you will reside there as long as I please.

[Sonic and Tails's jaws drop.]

Sonic [scared]: Oh my god, there goes our trump card!

Shadow [giddy]: Yeah, man, this is AWESOME!!!

Tails: Shadow, we're in serious shit, here!

Shadow: What do you mean? [comes to a realization] Ooooooooh, we're gonna die... [feeling confident; steps forward; confident] I WILL BE CAREFUL AGAINST YOU, AND I WILL WIN!

Sonic [to Tails]: Yeah, he's gonna get SO beat--

Shadow [annoyed at Sonic]: Hey! SHUT UP! [to Yugi; speaking in his cool, calm, Sonic Adventure 2 cocky voice] I challenge you to a simple game of Operation, Yugi.

Sonic [panic]: SHADOW, NO! YOU SUCK AT OPERA--

Shadow [annoyingly interrupting Sonic]: Huh, bup bup bup-- [he says "bup" everytime Sonic tries to keep talking; next he pulls out an Operation game board from nowhere] The rules are as follows: NO MAGIC! You must use the game's provided tweezer-thingies WITH YOUR HANDS to remove all the pieces from the guys body. The first person to get "buzzed" three times WITHIN THE GAME'S DURATION AND NOT CAUSED BY ANYTHING ELSE, including, but not limited to, acts of God, static, interference from the opponent, glitches, MAGIC--

Manga Yugi [slightly annoyed]: I get it, no magic!

Shadow: Good. Anywho, first person to get buzzed three times loses! If I win, um, you give back Amy and let Rouge go.

Manga Yugi: Agreed. If *I* win, you must play a Penalty Game.

Shadow: Then it's a deal.

Tails [calling]: Shadow, you KNOW you're not going to win! Let us pray for your mortal soul!

Shadow [idiot; defensive about his soul]: NO! *My* soul! *MY* SOUL!

[Yugi puts up the barrier and he and Shadow prepare to play. Yugi goes first; he skillfully and quickly removes a piece with little effort, then gives the tweezers to Shadow, who is slowly regretting his challenge.]

Shadow [concentrating; hand is shaking]: C'mon, Shadow ol' boy... focus-- [Shadow suddenly sneezes and gets buzzed] DAMMIT!!!

Manga Yugi [cocky]: Buzz number one.

[The game continues and Yugi does not get buzzed once. Shadow gets buzzed again.]

Sonic: Oh, god, he's practically perfect in every way!

Tails: Poor, poor, stupid Shadow... He should've just played paper-rock-scissors. You have a 33.3% chance of losing. Same chance of either winning or a draw. Easy. That's what I'll try when Shadow fails.

[Back to the match, it's Shadow's turn again. He carefully grabs a piece, drops it, and then grabs it again. EXTREME close-up to the tweezers and the metal. Shadow is sweating; he can see the tweezers getting close and even little sparks starting to form as they approach each other.]

Manga Yugi [hearing the buzz]: Um, Shadow, you've just lost.

Shadow [unusually calm]: I see... I guess that I'm RUNNING-- [skates off; hits the barrier and falls back]

Manga Yugi [shaking head]: And another who runs from his destiny. According to the penalty game forecast, there's a 100% probability of precipitation for SCALPEL RAIN!!!

Tails [genuinely afraid]: What did he say!? [to Sonic; near tears] Sonic, I don't want to die!

Shadow [getting pelted by several falling, homing, sharp scalpels]: OWOWOWOWOWFUCKFUCKFUCKOWFUCKOWFUCK!!! [one hits Shadow's ass] OOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW!!! JESUS CHRIST, IT BURNS!!! [Shadow cries for a moment, then faints]

Sonic [picking up a bleeding Shadow as the magical scalpels vanish]: Tails, I have to get him to a hospital. Keep Yugi busy!

Tails [crying; near bawling]: Nooooooooo I don't want to bleed...

Manga Yugi [evil smile]: What's the rush, Sonic?

Mysterious Knuckles-sounding voice [it's Knuckles]: I'M the rush, Yugi!

[Knuckles lands and throws a holy cross at Yugi's forehead rather hard.]

Manga Yugi [holding forehead]: Ow ow OW!! OW, that stings! What is this, a cross!? I'm not a vampire, you dolt!

Anzu [picks up the cross; feels sad]: Are we doing the right thing, Yugi--

Manga Yugi: Quiet, Anzu. You wanted this, remember? You didn't like the other me...

Knuckles [laughing hard]: HAHAHA, what happened to Rouge!?

Sonic: Penalty game.

Knuckles [looking at Shadow]: And him?

Sonic: Penalty game.

Knuckles [looking at the crying Tails]: What about Tails?

Sonic: Nothing. I'm near tears myself, watching Yugi decimate us...

Knuckles [cocky]: YUGI! I STOLE YOUR WATCH AND PAWNED IT FOR PETTY CASH! THAT'S HOW I BOUGHT ROUGE'S RING! AND SHE DIDN'T APPRECIATE IT, THE HO!

[Rouge heard all this.]

Manga Yugi [silent rage]: *You* stole it? You *sold* it!?

Knuckles [cocky again]: And quite frankly it wasn't even worth it! But now, I challenge you to a game of Magic and Wizards!!! [i.e. the Yu Gi Oh card game]

Sonic [angry]: GOD you're stupid Knuckles! Tails, stay here and watch him die! [Sonic races off with Shadow in his arms] I'll be back!

Tails [crying]: I don' wanna watch Knuckles die THAT bad...

[The barrier appears around Knuckles and Yugi as a card game table appears. The table makes the game's monsters and effects happen in real life. Knuckles and Yugi start playing... and Knuckles is getting creamed. Yugi still has 2000 life points, but Knuckles has 0.5 (yes, half-a-point).]

Knuckles [breathing heavy; in Yugi's version of this game, life points are your actual life, to an extent]: Screw this heart of the cards bullshit! Must... draw... miracle card! [draws; his eyes widen] Yes! YES! ALRIGHT, YUGI, I PLAY, IN DEFENSE MODE, BASKET OF KITTENS!!!

Manga Yugi [silent shock]: What.

Tails [confused]: Is that even a real card?

Sonic [returning sans Shadow (hospital, remember?)]: How do you get half a life point?

[On the board, Knuckles's kitten basket appears, with cute 'n' fluffy little kittens playing inside and out of the basket. The Basket of Kittens has a ZERO attack and defense.]

Manga Yugi [laughing]: HAHAHAHAHA! You idiot! What do you expect to accomplish with this so-called Basket of Kittens?

Knuckles [cocky smile]: Plenty, I'd say.

Manga Yugi [ready to attack]: CELTIC GUARDIAN!!! ATTACK THE BASKET OF KITTENS!!!

[Yugi's monster is about to strike, but then it sees the cute 'n' fluffy little kittens. It tries to attack, but it cannot bring itself to snuff out these cute little made-up-by-a-card-game kittens... so it kills itself instead. GMS has Yu Gi Oh cards so let's see... Celtic Guardian has 1400 for attack and 1200 for defense, so it should die and Yugi should lose 200 life points.]

Manga Yugi [1800 life points; considerably shocked]: What is this!? My monster won't attack the kittens? Ludicrous! This is impossible!

Knuckles [actually using his head; is he a big card game nerd?]: HAHAHA! As long as my Basket of Kittens is in play, you cannot damage them nor me, because no monster is that cruel! AND I HAVE MORE CARDS IN MY DECK THAN YOU! A COUPLE MORE TURNS AND I'LL DECK YOUR SORRY ASS!!!

Tails [annoyed by the nerdiness]: Oh my god, SHUT UP!!!

Sonic [impressed]: He's actually using his head!

Manga Yugi [a little worried]: No monster is that cruel? I highly disagree, Knuckles! I play the Summoned Skull in attack mode! [Summoned Skull, a giant skull demon thing, appears with 2500 attack and 1200 defense] Summoned Skull, kill those kittens!

Summoned Skull [loud demonic voice; shaking head]: NUH UH!!!

Manga Yugi [rage]: DO IT!!! KILL THEM!!!

[One of the kittens looks at Summoned Skull cutely and meows. The Summoned Skull strikes himself with lightning and collapses, beaten.]

Manga Yugi [now has only 500 life points]: No! How? I never lose! This is inconceivable!

[Knuckles is laughing arrogantly. Sonic and Tails are cheering.]

Manga Yugi [evil smile]: Well done Knuckles! I am indeed impressed! Too bad you're going to deck me or have me kill myself. I was looking forward to seeing your TRUE power!

Knuckles [being fooled, like the dipshit he is]: Then true power you shall see! I play my magic card Fallen One! Based on Final Fantasy, it sacrifices the one monster I have in play to drop your life points to ONE!

Sonic [desperate]: KNUCKLES, NOOOOOO!!! IT'S A TRAP, YA FUCKED MORON!!!

Tails [shaking head]: You know, Sonic, this just proves that Knuckles is more heartless than giant demons. They didn't kill the kittens. Knuckles, however...

[NOTE: Before reading the following, please understand that the kittens weren't real.]

[Knuckles watches as his kittens meow in terror as they disappear into nothing. Yugi feels the blow and his life points drop to a measly 1.]

Knuckles [sorta realizing his mistake; still sounding cocky]: AND, AS YOU CAN SEE, WITH THAT MOVE, SEEING AS IT'S YOUR TURN AND I HAVE NO MONSTERS IN PLAY, I JUST FUCKING SCREWED MYSELF!

Sonic [shame]: This ought to be good.

Manga Yugi: I play Skull Servant in attack mode! [crappy monster; 300 attack, 200 defense, skeleton grunt, virtually useless] Attack his life points directly!

[The Skull Servant waddles up to Knuckles and faggily claws at him.]

Skull Servant [lame]: Gweh!

Knuckles [as his last half of a life point fades]: AAAAAAH IT'S SO CRAPPY! [falls over]

Manga Yugi [evil]: Penalty Game, Knuckles. And being a worthy opponent, you will receive a worthy punishment. CURSE OF PYRO!

[Knuckles eyes become anime oro eyes as he becomes enveloped in flames.]

Knuckles [running around in circles]: AH, WHY DO I ALWAYS BURN!?

Manga Yugi: In addition, you will burn internally as well!

Knuckles: NO, I HAVE BAD HEARTBURN! [runs along Tails's runway and jumps into the ocean]

Manga Yugi [to Sonic and Tails]: Note that he THINKS he has heartburn, even underwater.

Sonic [noble]: Tails, you go, I'll challenge him next. If I fail, it's all up to you.

Tails [noble but scared]: No, Sonic, YOU go. I think I can win--

Eggman [appears from a sudden smoke cloud]: What about ME!?

Manga Yugi: Don't make me laugh! You couldn't even fully finish that gay-ass anime version of me--

Eggman [pulls out two giant machine guns]: I HAVE A GAME! DIE, YUGI!

[Eggman laughs maniacally as he rains countless bullets and missiles (yes, the guns had missiles) at Yugi. After all the 'splosions, the smoke clears and Yugi... is gone!]

Anzu [looking around]: Yugi! YUGI!? Where are you!?

Manga Yugi [appears out of a dimensional gate with a floating thicker-than-usual multi-colored pencil, like something a child would color with]: Nice try, Eggman. PENCIL OF YAMI!!! [yami = darkness]

Eggman [as the pencil flies and stabs him in the chest; it stays halfway embedded there]: I'm glad that missed my heart! [falls back unconscious]

Sonic [almost not caring anymore]: Oh, shit, I guess that's out. Alright, I'm next. A game of chess, Yoogs?

Manga Yugi: Hmph. Very well, I accept.

Tails [slaps forehead]: Why do they keep picking games they'll LOSE AT!?

Sonic [unusual smile]: Speed chess? Three seconds per move at max?

Manga Yugi: Agreed. If you cannot keep up, you DIE.

Sonic: No magic.

Manga Yugi: Understood.

Sonic [laughing]: HAH!!! JOKE'S ON YOU, YOOGS!!! I'M ACTUALLY A CHESS NERD!!!

Tails [angry]: How come you refuse to play me, then?

Sonic: Well, Tails, I'm a chess nerd, not a chess master like those Russians. [no offense] But my specialty is speed chess!

Manga Yugi [making a chess board appear from nothing]: What color?

Sonic: White! [makes a move, as white goes first]

Manga Yugi [makes his move]: Checkmate.

Sonic [looking at the board in shock]: NO! That's... not possible!

Shadow [suddenly there; still hurt, but no longer bleeding]: It's the dreaded one-move-checkmate "ass rape" move. I never thought I'd see it again.

Manga Yugi: As for your penalty game, Sonic, I think that, after I snap my fingers, you'll have to keep moving at a speed of at least fifty miles per hour! I call this game CURSE OF SPEED! [about to snap fingers] Ready? If you lose this game, you'll EXPLODE!

Sonic [runs off at high speed]: AH AH AH SORRY TAILS!!! [runs off into the water, running on its surface into the horizon]

Manga Yugi [snaps his fingers to invoke the game/curse]: Back for more, Shadow?

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COMMERCIAL

Eggman: Are you tired of so-called psychic phone lines? Well, so am I! Stupid bastards, telling me that my sex life would be vibrant and fun! DO I LOOK LIKE I'M HAVING FUN!? Anywho, call Anima [from Final Fantasy 10].

[Anima roars.]

Female Caller: Hello, Anima! Is my boyfriend cheating on me?

[Anima roars.]

Female Caller: That son of a bitch! I'm going to go stab him in the eye! Thanks, Anima! You go, girl!

[Anima roars in thanks.]

Male Caller: Hey, Ms. Anima! How goes things?

[Anima roars.]

Male Caller: My old lady, she won't do anal! Any way I can, you know, convince her?

[Anima roars.]

Male Caller: Tell her that it improves her skin's radiance? Wow, Anima, you sure are smart! Later!

Eggman: What the hell? How do these people understand what she's saying? Anima giving anal advice? WHO WROTE THIS?

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

______________________________________________

Day 2

15:01

Very Bad Situation (i.e. Same Place)

[Shadow and Tails ran inside Tails's house and to the second floor. There, they hear a scream on the hard to reach (play Sonic Adventure 1) balcony above. Tails flies up to find...]

Tails [untying Amy]: AMY! Are you okay?

Amy [rage]: You guys suck! I've been yelling at you for the past two hours!

Shadow [looks up]: How did you get up there? I've tried spin-dashing and jumping at JUST the right angle, but I couldn't do it.

Amy: Yugi can teleport.

Shadow: Oh.

Manga Yugi [appears suddenly]: So you rescued your friend. But what about the others? And what about my watch? Play with me and win, or DIE!!!

Tails [steps forward bravely]: Paper-rock-scissors!

[Tails plays rock, Yugi plays paper.]

Tails: Um, sorry that's not what I meant! I'll flip a coin! Call it in the air! [Tails flips]

Manga Yugi [patient]: Tails. [The coin lands; its tails.]

Tails: Again!

Manga Yugi [patient; calls the coin correctly many times in a row]: Heads. Tails. Tails. Tails. Heads. Sideways [it lands sideways]. Heads.

Tails [starting to panic]: Um, oh, um, THUMB WAR!

Manga Yugi [holds out his hand]: Fine, but this is the last one. Lose and suffer.

[Tails loses, of course, because Yugi's thumbs shot dark magic at Tails's thumb.]

Tails [falls to his knees]: Fine. I lose. How will I bleed today?

Manga Yugi [holds his palm towards Tails]: ... Penalty Game. Curse... of KNUCKLES!!!

Tails [mortal fear]: NOOOOOOOOOOOO-- [the penalty game takes affect; Tails looks at Amy] Hey, Amy, wanna make me a sammich? Bread, you, bread. Your boobs are Amy-licious! So, when can I expect to see you naked on my lap? [Amy slaps him]

Shadow [looks at Tails]: A fate worse than death. Being Knuckles... that's just wrong... [looks at Yugi with rage] I challenge you one more time, Yugi.

Manga Yugi: Must you? I need challenge.

Shadow: Close your eyes.

Manga Yugi [complies]: Hmph. [closes eyes] I know you're trying to trick me, but I'm fairly certain there's nothing you can do--

Shadow: NOW, AMY!!!

[Yugi opens his eyes in time to watch, in super slow motion, Amy's Pico Pico Hammer, in a huge uppercut-swing, collide with and embed into Yugi's groin. Still in super slow motion, Yugi's pupils shrink and his eyes widen as Amy doesn't let up the pressure. Shadow, like a real man would, turns away. Tails, the curse of Knuckles broken, closes his eyes. Knuckles, his penalty game over, climbs to the top of Tails's house and he, too, turns away. The jewel around Rouge vanishes and she falls to the ground.]

Anzu [sees the scene from the ground]: YUGI!!!

[Yugi opens his mouth as if to speak, but just squeals very effeminately. Then, he collapses, clutching his groin.]

Amy [feeling proud]: That's right, bitch. Feel the girl power!

Shadow [idiot]: You go, girl!

Tails [feeling guilty]: I'm sorry, Amy. I acted like... Knuckles...

Amy: It wasn't your fault. I'm still mad at you, though.

Shadow [to the fallen Yugi]: That's your weakness, Yugi. You have nothing physical to back that brain power and magic. Train up a bit, and wear a cup! Then you'll SERIOUSLY kick all our asses--

Tails [smacking Shadow in head]: Idiot! Don't TELL him that! [to Yugi] The Fou-lu Theory isn't 100% accurate, but maybe... so Yugi, you've seen the light, right?

Manga Yugi [dead serious; still clutching balls]: Never. [disappears; his voice echoes in the air] I will return for my watch, one day! And then, REVENGE! HAHAHAHA!!!

Anzu [calling]: YUGI, WAIT!

Manga Yugi's Voice: YOU STAY LIKE THE TOOL YOU ARE, ANZU! I SLEEP WITH THREE DIFFERENT WOMEN EVERY NIGHT! [groan of pain] But, not tonight...

[Out of left field...]

Space Pirates [from Metroid; they grab Anzu and throw her into their ship; they take off]: YOU, COME WITH US!

Tails [looking at the ship fly away]: Well that was unexpected.

Rouge: I wish I could've kept that giant jewel I was encased in...

Knuckles [angry]: Have you learned NOTHING woman? And by the way, I gave you that ring. It was a gift.

Rouge: You mean, like payment? For all the time I have to put up with you?

Knuckles [sad]: I guess--

Eggman [again, out of nowhere; no more pencil or blood stain]: Hey, guys, check out my new watch! It keeps time rather smoothly!

[Everyone eyes Eggman darkly, knowing full well that this is Yugi's grandfather's watch.]

Eggman [indifferent]: What?

Tails: Nothing. At least we know that Yugi will be back. And thanks to SHADOW [glares at Shadow] he'll have bulked up!

______________________________________________

Day 2

18:00

???

Sonic [still running]: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE I HAVE TO STOP! [he stops and prepares to die, then realizes that he's alive] I'm alive? The others must've stopped Yugi! Hurray and such! [looks around] Hurray, but where the fuck am I?

Sakura [from Card Captor Sakura; waving from her front door]: Hi, Sonikku!

Sonic [cocking an eyebrow]: Oh, wow, I ran far. Hiya Sakura! Got food?

Sakura: Pancakes.

Sonic: Sweet, I'm coming over.

Sakura [unfazed; still happy]: Okay!

______________________________________________

COMMERCIAL

[As a guy strums a guitar and sings the Juicy Fruit song, several well-dressed rich boys/girls listen to this supposed "catchy tune." Amongst the arrogant rich crowd... is Eggman, Bowser, and Il Palazzo.]

♪♫

Get your skis shined up, grab a stick of Juicy Fruit

The taste is gonna move ya!

Take a sniff... pull it ooouuuuut!

The taste is gonna move ya when you pop it in your mouth!

Juicy Fruit is gonna move--

[Suddenly, two punks grab the guy's guitar and smash it into the fireplace. Despite the rich snob attitude present, this punkish behavior will not go unpunished...]

Eggman [pissed]: Um, EXCUSE ME, we were listening to that!

Bowser [rage]: That's it! I'll grab him [points to one of the punks]

Il Palazzo [points to the other one]: I'll beat that fucker over there--

Eggman [pulls out tonfa sticks]: And I'll break their legs.

[The punks smile, expecting no challenge from the three buddies. Approximately ten seconds later, two broken-legged punks are bleeding and crying and in need of an ambulance. Il Palazzo throws a new guitar to the guitar, um, guy.]

Eggman: As you were.

[to the Juicy Fruit theme above]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance... to Dr. Eggman!♪♫

______________________________________________

Dragon Ball Z Announcer: On the next episode of Cronies...

***

Random Space Pirate: DO YOU KNOW HOW TO COOK, CLEAN, SEW, AND TAKE CARE OF A HOUSE OF MALE PIRATES?

Anzu [mad]: Hey! Just because I'm a woman doesn't automatically mean I know how to do all that shit! Jeez, it's the 21st century, assholes!

Another Random Pirate: BUT DO YOU?

Anzu [after a moment of silence, she hangs her head]: Yes. I'll start on dinner.

Vectorman [sees the pirate ship in the distance]: Word.

***

[Eggman is playing Slayer (from Guilty Gear X2) in a fighting game similar to the game Eggman played against Sara in the Sonic anime. Slayer hits Eggman with an instant kill.]

Slayer [haiku, just like in his Guilty Gear X2 Destroyer moves]:

An Eggman on ice

So many strange happenings

I am the Eggman

Eggman [crying]: That was so beautiful!

[The screen shows the word DESTROYED as Eggman loses.]

Slayer: That haiku sucked.

Eggman [leaps at Slayer]: Why you LITTLE--

Vectorman [watching the match]: Word.

***

Vectorman: I'm getting a new fucking game! Sweet!

Captain Falcon: So am I!

Sonic/Tails/Knuckles/Shadow: So are we!

Wario: AND-A ME!

Batsu [near tears]: I'M NOT GETTING A NEW GAME! [runs off crying]

Vectorman: Word... on the PS2... coming soon...

***

THE END... for now...again...one more time... BEHOLD, IT IS NOT THE END... oh, wait, it is... psyche!... WE PLAY "PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE PEPPERONI ON THEIR PIZZA" IN DEFENSE MODE!...