Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ CRONIES ❯ Guilty Cronies X8: Knuckles's Time to Die!? ( Chapter 8 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

CRONIES

A triple team production by:

THE TRIPLE PEEPS

Apollo Alexandre, a.k.a. "Grand Master Shoma" (GMS)

Neusa Gaspar, a.k.a. "Judge Neusy"

Carlos Alexandre, a.k.a. "CMA" (CMA)

http://www.triplepeeps.com/

Judge Neusy: DISCLAIMER: Any characters mentioned in this story that are not the distinctive likenesses of anyone else--including, but not limited to, Sega, Sonic Team, Nintendo, Koshi Rikdo, Sammy, Arc System Works, etc.--were created by us, and may not be used without our permission. All characters and distinctive likenesses not created by us are the property of their respective owners.

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CMA: It seems as if many are under the impression that we hate Knuckles, Amy Rose, and Edge from Rival Schools. On the contrary; we love these characters! Seriously; they're awesome, and they only get the short end of the stick for the sake of off-the-wall fic writing.

GMS: Knuckles is my favorite, actually. Along with Eggman.

CMA: See? Now Big...

Judge Neusy: I hate him. Speaking of which, visit our forum at http://www.triplepeeps.com!

GMS: Site's not up yet, but we have a forum.

CMA: A little sad, actually...

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CMA: Originally released on 06/28/2003! READ, DAMMIT!!!

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Day 1

18:30

Sakura's House

[If you remember the last episode (the one about Yu Gi Oh that none of you reviewed, ya damn wankers), you'll know that Sonic, for reasons that you can easily just read the last chapter to find out, ya damn wankers, is in Japan, at Sakura's house. Sakura, Touya, and their guest, Sonic (ya damn wankers) are about to eat some tasty pancakes. Oh, and screw time zones; we're on International Cronies Time (ICT).]

Touya [being jackass to Sakura]: Why the hell are we having pancakes at 6:30, dumbass?

Sakura [angry]: We are WAITING for ANOTHER GUEST, TOUYA. He LIKES pancakes. [points to herself] He likes MY pancakes!

Sonic: You mean that Shaoron kid, or Yukito?

Touya [pointing at Sonic]: Why'd you have to invite this Shadow-clone here?

Sonic [rage]: HEY! I'M not the clone! SHADOW'S the clone!

Touya [cocky smile]: And your proof is?

Sonic: Um, I, um... [Sonic shuts up and hangs his head]

[Doorbell rings]

Sakura [happy]: It's Sol-kun!

Sonic [surprised]: Sol!? BADGUY!?

Touya [indifferent]: I don't think he's a bad guy; he used to baby sit us.

[Sakura opens the front door to let in none other than the flaming indifferent bad ass himself, Sol Badguy. He's from the Guilty Gear fighting game series. Just do a search for it on the net and you'll find a picture of him. He's much taller than Sakura or Touya, and is very intimidating.]

Sol [sounding unenthused]: Hello.

Sakura [happy]: Hi, Sol-kun! Take a seat next to Sonic! Your pancakes will be done shortly!

Sol [eying Sonic, who seems to shrink in his seat under Sol's gaze]: Wow, I get to sit next to a hedgehog. Make room for my sword.

[As Sol throws his sword *into* the ground, a la his win pose, Sonic freaks out.]

Sonic [screams]: GAAAAH DON'T KILL ME!!!

Touya [unfazed]: Sonic, stop being a pussy. What's up, Sol?

Sol [still sounds scary, and is still scaring Sonic]: Nothing really. Just traveling and killing Gears. [eyes Sonic] You don't happen to know any Gears, do you?

Sonic [freaking out]: Um, no! I'm certainly not one! [calms down for a moment, then...] PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!!!

Sakura [serving Sol a stack of pancakes]: Sonikku, you should relax! Sol-kun's just playing around!

Sol [chewing on half-a-pancake]: Playing?

[As dinner (pancakes? wankers...) continues, Sol and Sonic make interesting conversation.]

Sonic [interested]: And that's why you hate Axl?

Sol [politely wiping his mouth]: For all those reasons. That donkey-toothed ass-clown is just BEGGING for a beating.

[Suddenly, the Mortal Kombat Movie theme song starts playing. Everyone's kinda looking around to see where it's coming from--]

Song: MORTAL KOMBAT!!!

[As the song plays (it's a club-ish synth tune, by the way), Sol, Sonic, Touya, and Sakura start dancing. Sol's break-dancing (with hand-stands and jumping and the like), Sonic's grooving it up at high speeds, Touya's just bobbing his head, and Sakura's dancing like those girls on Electric Circus (this dance club show). About fifty random people then flood Sakura's house and start dancing, as the lights go all funky. Eggman's there too, spinning on his belly.]

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Day 1

20:30 (screw time zones; ICT)

The Croboat on the Pacific

Tails [annoyed]: Sonic, they did NOT spontaneously break into song and dance. And I *highly* doubt that fifty random people and Eggman then flooded Sakura's house and started dancing as the lights went "all funky."

[Sonic and Tails are chilling on the Croboat's deck. Tails was the only person who bothered to go pick up Sonic. Let's say that the Croboat has automated systems, or something (hence why Tails can kick back).]

Sonic [blushing]: Well, maybe that's not quite HOW it happened. Actually, I just yelled, "MORTAL KOMBAT" really loud and they all looked at me a little funny. Then Sol called me a "retard," whatever THAT is.

Tails [shame]: That's what I thought. Now, what happened after Sol talked about Axl?

Sonic: Well, um, er, um [tries mumbling] he sortawannakillthecronies--

Tails [shock]: WHAT!? Sonic, what did you tell him?

Sonic [all defensive]: Nothing! The conversation continued...

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FLASHBACK

Sonic [yelling like an idiot]: MORTAL KOMBAT!!!

[Everyone stares.]

Sonic [shrinking in his seat, blushing]: Sorry, I thought I thought that.

Sol: Retard.

[Half a minute later...]

Sonic [enjoying his pancakes]: So, Sol, what happened with the whole Sega-Sammy merger?

Sol [still sounding indifferent]: Yeah, I'm not sure what happened with that. I guess that Sammy wanted to go solo for awhile. Fine by me. It took me FOREVER to get that whack-ass echidna's SEGA brand off my right buttock.

Sakura [cleaning up some plates]: You mean Knuckles-san?

Sol [squeezes his fork so hard it starts to bend]: That's him...

FLASHBACK WITHIN A FLASHBACK

[Sol is at a stall showering after a match in, oh, we dunno, one of the Guilty Gear tournaments. Suddenly, in the stall beside him...]

Axl [British chain-wielder from Guilty Gear]: Hey, chief!

Sol [not hiding what he says]: Jesus fuck, it's Axl again. What do you want?

Axl [peeking over his stall to look at Sol]: Whoa, mate! That's some manhood you got there! I bet the ladies chase you for days just in the hopes of a ride! NEE-HAW-HAW-HAW!!! [Axl laughs weird.]

[Sol, annoyed at both Axl's comments and Axl's, um, peeping, tactfully plants a spinning roundhouse kick on Axl's face/teeth.]

Axl [getting up from the blow; peeking over the stall again; can't speak right due to missing teeth]: Thanksh, shief, daj shum nyeshe shootin'! [clears his throat, and his teeth are back for some reason] Anyway, I wanted to warn you that a representative of Sega--some crazy red echidna--has been branding the Sega logo on people's bums! SEE!? [jumps up and shuffles so that his ass is over the stall; it has SEGA branded on it, along with a disgusting hairy mole.]

Sol [disgusted; doesn't notice Knuckles approaching from behind]: GAH! Don't point that thing at me-- EEEEEYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!

Knuckles [holding a red-hot Sega logo brand]: I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. I was branding SEGA on your ass.

Sol [glowing with fiery, naked rage]: I WILL MURDER YOU, RODENT!!!

Knuckles [scared; drops the brand and runs]: I DIDN'T DO IT!!!

BACK TO THE "REGULAR" FLASHBACK

Sol [hand starts glowing as the fork starts melting]: When I find him, I will burn him and those who protect him. I have a sexy ass, dammit! That brand took weeks to fully disappear!

Touya [questioning]: Brands can disappear?

Sakura [slapping Touya on the back of the head lightly; speaking angrily]: Sol heals things that others can't, remember? Don't be nosy, Touya!

Touya [rubbing the back of his head]: You didn't have to hit me...

Sonic [laughing]: Knuckles did that? BWAHAHAHA what a buffoon! When I get home I'm *so* going to call him a brown-noser!

Sol [deadly serious; glaring at Sonic]: YOU KNOW KNUCKLES!?

Sonic [realizing his error]: Er...

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PRESENT

Tails [shaking head]: Oh, no. You did NOT tell him that.

Sonic [nodding]: Yeah, I guess I did. Afterwards, he swore he'd kill us all after he took a nap or something, so I ran like hell.

Tails [chin cupped in thought]: That's why you were at the beach... fascinating...

[Suddenly, Sonic and Tails see an angry flaming man in a motor boat speeding towards the Croboat.]

Sonic [freaking out again]: OH MY GOD, SOL'S CATCHING UP TO US IN A MOTOR BOAT!

[The man's boat--Sol's boat--starts to break down.]

Tails [looking back at the approaching, indifferent looking Sol Badguy]: Oh, good, his boat's sputtering! He won't be able to keep up!

[Sol improvises and starts using flame blasts from his sword to propel the boat forward.]

Sonic: Oh no! He's using his Fireseal to Gunflame his way towards us!

[After some bumpy waves, Sol drops his sword, saying "shit" really casually.]

Tails: Oh, good! He dropped the Fireseal in the ocean!

[Sol dives in, abandoning the motor boat.]

Sonic: Oh no! He dived in and retrieved it!

[Sol, sword-in-teeth, starts swimming towards the Croboat.]

Tails [yawns; starting to get bored, and his voice reflects this]: Oh good. [yawns again] He won't be able to swim fast enough to catch up to us.

[Sol jumps out of the water, yells "DRAGON INSTALL!" as he starts glowing with power, falls back into the drink, and starts swimming exceedingly fast.]

Sonic: Oh no! He just used a Dragon Install, and he's swimming like a shark on crack!

[Sonic and Tails see a glowing angry Sol swimming at amazing speed towards the Croboat. Suddenly, Sol jumps out of the water very high, as if preparing for something.]

Sonic [shaking head]: Tails, this boat's going to get destroyed.

Tails [sighing]: I know, all my hard work down the drain. [grabs Sonic and flies away from the doomed ship]

Sol [glowing and surrounded by flames]: TYRANT... [charges, cloaked in a mighty shield of fire] RAVE!!!

[As Tails carries Sonic away as fast as he can, he glances back at his now flaming and broken-in-half and ravaged and exploded Croboat. Sol continues swimming, but just bypasses Sonic and Tails.]

Sonic: Oh no! He's probably going for Knuckles! We have to warn the others!

Tails [kinda mean]: Why!?

Sonic [thinking back to the times that his "team" let him down]: Good point! Let's take our time and enjoy the sights and sounds of... [realization; anger] the middle of the freaking ocean...

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INTRO THEME SONG

by Knuckles's Rap Band

They were sittin', in a cafe one day

Then some weird-ass nut came and says the bank wuz bein' stolen

Shadow says "What?" Sonic says "Whoa!"

And the superhero posse wuz born

They'z the CRONIES

The name looks like Friends

But they ain't no "Phoebe"

What's up with that bitch?

Is she crazy or stupid--I dunno man, that's just whack

We talkin' about CRONIES!

And that's a fact!

Sonic's fast and freaky

Shadow thinks Sakura-chick died

Tails flyin' like a COPTA'

Knuckles is boring--he's guarding the Master Emerald

Rouge is stealin' it right now--dumb ass ho

Amy gets captured every episode

Eggman doin' the commercials

No one knows why!

They'z the CRONIES

Crime ain't got nothin' on 'em

Can't think of how to end this song

So we's is outa here!

(Instrumental)

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C ٠R ٠O ٠N ٠I ٠E ٠S

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COMMERCIAL

Eggman: Hello. Do you want to get rid of the irritating people in your life? Can't stand those idiots anymore? Well, join the Eggman Empire, and you'll receive, at heavy additional cost, the ANNOYANCE BAT!!! [faggy trumpets]

Sonic: That's the homerun bat from Smash Brothers Melee, isn't it?

Eggman: Um... It works both ways. [What!?] It's easy: first apply the annoyance powder on the person that irritates you. Then, apply bat. And here are some demonstrations from satisfied customers!

[London, where Sol is chillin'. Suddenly, who should appear but...]

Axl: Hey chief! How's it going?

Sol [irritated]: Oh god, it's Axl.

[Sol pulls out the Annoyance Bat and powder. He throws enough powder on Axl's face to blind him.]

Axl [screaming]: ORRRAAAAAAH! [Axl screams weird] MY BLEEMIN' EYES!!

[Then Sol bats him far, far way.]

Axl [in the distance]: ORAORRUH-- [makes a little ding noise as he disappears over the horizon.]

Sol [looks at the bat]: Well I'll be damned! This shit works!

Eggman: You can even send them skimming over the water!

[Knuckles and Shadow are at a beach.]

Knuckles: I rock.

[Already irritated by this, Shadow throws the annoyance powder on Knuckles, then bats him.]

Knuckles: AAAAAA-- [one skip on the water] AA--[two skip] AA--[three skip] AA--[four skip] AA--[five skip] AA--[six skip] AA--[seven skip] AA--[splash]

Shadow [happy]: Thanks, Dr. Eggman! I want to conquer the world with you!!

Eggman: MWAHAHAHA! You had your chance! The rest of you, JOIN! And NEVER be annoyed again! Remember; blunt objects not intended to hurt people generally do a good job of hurting people! Oh, and this bat ain't corked!

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

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Day 1

22:00

Tails's House/Mystic Ruins "Crib"

[Shadow, Knuckles, Amy, Rouge, and Eggman (?) are all playing poker on Tails's dining room table. The floor is littered with potato chip bags, soda cans, beer cans, empty milk cartons, milk cartons filled with some weird beer/milk mix (probably Eggman), and several magazines from Tails's no-longer-secret secret porn stash.]

Knuckles [dumbass]: Hit me.

Rouge [slapping forehead]: Knuckles--

Knuckles [thinking Rouge didn't hear him]: I SAID "HIT ME!!!"

Shadow [not wanting to listen to this anymore]: So, I've been thinking about the Cronies and all. Especially our base, which is basically [looks around]... Tails's house, that WE litter with shit.

Eggman [smoking three giant cigars as he throws another beer/milk carton on the floor]: Yeah, we're pretty damn heartless and lazy! [taps some of his cigar ashes on the carpet]

Amy [drunk]: Yeeeeeeaaaaaah, Sonic's a son of a... BITCH!!! [as she says this, she throws her glass at the wall, where it shatters; then, she looks at Shadow, and starts feeling his chest fur roughly] Iiiiiiiiit's sooooooffffffft--

Shadow [mad; slaps Amy's hand away]: Do not touch the poofy!

Rouge [feeling the alcohol's effect, but she can handle it well]: Well, I figure that Tails is the one always a) building us cool new shit and b) saving our asses, so maybe... [looks around] maybe we should clean up the beer and broken glass and shit.

Knuckles [feeling something round and soft with his hand; Knuckles is also "under the influence"]: Wow, Rouge or Amy, you have round, supple-licious boobies!

Eggman [not drunk; he's the one that Knuckles is, um, feeling; giggles stupidly]: Teeheehee! Why thank you!

Knuckles [realization and shock]: GAAAAAAH!!! [falls backward in his chair; is sprawled on the floor; notices a peanut] ALL RIGHT, A PEANUT!!! [starts chewing it] ...nope, it's a chicken bone. [spits it out in Shadow's direction]

Shadow [just pelted with a bone]: OUCH! [turns around; not drunk, but full of rage, since, well, let's face it, he hates Knuckles] I'M SICK OF YOU, KNUCKLES!!! TIME TO GET HE-BITCH MAN-SLAPPED!!!

[As Knuckles and Shadow fight and break more of Tails's stuff, the poker game is apparently over. Amy, wine bottle in one hand and beer can in the other, starts crying and screaming.]

Amy [sobbing drunkenly]: I'MMMM FUCK-ING DEPR-- DEPR-- DEPR-- [gives up trying to pronounce "depressed"] SAAAAAD!!! EVEN DRUNK, I JUST CAN'T GET TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF BY A MAN!!! OR A HEDGEHOG!!! [starts crying and rambling, then leans on Eggman and starts rubbing his bald head]

Eggman [annoyed]: Please stop that. It's rather irritating. You don't see *me* annoying people, do you?

Rouge [succumbing to the alcohol]: Eggman, you're irritating to the naked eye. LET'S START A BONFIRE!!!

Eggman [pulls out flamethrower]: NOW THAT'S SOMETHING I CAN AGREE ON!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! [starts blowing flames that start engulfing the inside of Tails's house. The alcohol that's all over the place allows the flames to travel with ease. As the flames approach the explosive power sources in Tails's basement...]

[Doorbell rings.]

Eggman [speaking almost musically]: ♪♫ Cooooooome iiiiiiiiiinnn!!! ♪♫

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Day 1

22:30

A little ways away from Tails's house

[Tails is still carrying Sonic as home appears close.]

Tails [tired]: Finally. When I get home, I can't WAIT to sleep...

Sonic [feeling kinda bad that Tails had to carry him]: No worries, little buddy! I'll piggyback you to bed when we land.

Tails [happy]: Sweet!

[Suddenly, Tails's house... explodes in a massive red fireball. So strong is the explosion that Sonic and Tails are knocked back.]

Sonic and Tails: WHOOOOOOOOAAAA!!! [Tails recovers]

Sonic [shock]: HOLY SHIT!

Tails [near tears]: MY HOUSE! AGAIN!!! [Tails's house was destroyed in Eggman Adventures 3.]

Sonic [angry]: I bet that Sol did this! He's such a... BAD GUY!!! GET IT!? [obvious] It's a joke, Tails.

Tails [rage]: MY FUCKING HOUSE!!! [speeds towards land, drops Sonic, then rushes to his house; he sees Eggman and Shadow carrying Rouge and Knuckles out of the house and setting them down a safe distance away]

Sonic [shaking Shadow]: What happened?

Shadow [slightly dizzy from the shaking and fumes and such]: It was horrible! Sol came! And the house exploded!

Tails: And Knuckles and Rouge are hurt!?

Eggman [indifferent]: Nah, they're just drunk.

Tails [cocks an eyebrow]: Drunk!? What about Amy!?

Shadow: Sol dragged her off. Literally; he dragged her away by her feet. We would've stopped him if we didn't have to save these two jackasses!

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Day 1

22:40

Somewhere away from the Mystic Ruins

[Sol walks away from Tails's blazing house, dragging Amy by one leg behind him.]

Amy [still drunk]: WEEEEEeeeellll thaaaaaaaazzzzzzzz jussssss greaAAAAAT!! I kidnap AGAIN! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Sol [slowly losing it because Amy doesn't stop]: ... fucking idiotic psycho-babble it just DOESN'T STOP!!!

Amy [still going]: ...draaaaagged aaawwwwaaaaaaaaaaaayy AND AWAY and away...

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Day 1

22:45

Sakura's House (again, screw time zones; ICT)

[Sakura and Touya are watching the latest sensation from Station Square, HOLY COPS. They see, driving a police car on LIVE camera, Ky Kiske (wait for it... from Guilty Gear; Sol's rival, all-around-nice-guy, and keeper of the peace/God boy).]

Ky [speaking nervously, feeling that he has to act]: Um, I don't usually take police cars to the scene; I--I usually just run... [nervous pause] or take Johnny's airship or something. But this is okay, y' know, driving is good, I guess. It builds, um, confidence and--

Mysterious Bob-sounding fake-Scottish (?) Cameraman: ACH!!! Ye dinnae have to act, Mr. Kiske! Jus' act natural!

Ky [clearing throat]: Oh, um, okay! So anyway, according to eye-witness accounts, the explosion happened after screaming and partying was heard from within the premises. Apparently, a man in red knocked on the door when the explosion happened, and carried one, and ONLY one of the inhabitants away. Arson, disturbing the peace, and kidnapping; it looks like it's going to be a long night.

Bob: Much better!

Ky [happy]: Why, thanks-- [see flames; got all excited] Holy SHIT, what an explosion it must have been! Damn, I said "shit!" Fuck, I said "damn!" Shit, I said "fuck!" JESUS-- DAMMIT-- GAAAAAAH!!! [just stops talking for a moment] Mercy... ... Better.

Bob: Gah, I forgot to censor all that! The boys at the studio will start censoring now!

[Back on Sakura's couch.]

Touya [bored]: This is the best thing on? [about to change channel]

Sakura: No, Touya, I want to see what happens!

Touya [realization]: Shouldn't you be in bed?

Sakura [smart-ass]: Shouldn't you?

Touya: ... I'll turn up the volume.

[Back on TV...]

Ky [getting into this; now being too melodramatic]: We're approaching the house! Isn't this exciting?

Bob: Stop that fake sh-[expletive beeped]!!! Ach, the boys at the studio caught that one!

Ky [blinking]: We have a studio? Anyway, [stops car and gets out; camera follows him] let's get a handle on what's happened! [runs up to... Eggman] Dr. Eggman?

Eggman [hugs Ky]: Ky, you gorgeous son of a bi-[expletive beeped]! What's up? [Ky and Eggman know each other from Eggman on Ice, and apparently before...]

Ky [trying to break out]: Dr. Eggman, now is NOT the time! What happened here? Is everyone okay?

Eggman [lets Ky go]: Yeah, giant fire here! No idea how it happened! Happened just around the time the doorbell rang-- [angry] BOB!!! TRAITOR!!! YOU'RE *MY* CAMERA MAN!!!

Bob [improvising]: Ach, I'm, uh, undercover!

Sonic [runs up to the camera]: Are we on TV? Good!!! BECAUSE I'M NOT THE CLONE, SHADOW'S THE CLONE!!! [drags Shadow in front of TV] SEE!!! LOOK AT HIM!!!

[Shadow, expressionless, just waves. Sonic shoves him out of the way.]

Shadow [angry]: Motherfu-[expletive beeped]!!!

Sonic [still ranting]: Oh, and, SOL! I KNOW YOU DID THIS! TAILS IS *SOOOO* GONNA KICK THE CRAP OUT OF YOU!!!

Tails [nervous]: Sonic, shut up! I don't want to die!

Sonic [fatherly]: Now, Tails, Sonic knows best! [to camera] SOL, TAILS SAYS THAT YOUR MOTHER'S A CHEAP WHO-[expletive beeped] WITH FU-[expletive beeped] ARMS AND IS FULL OF SH-[expletive beeped] [expletive beeped] [expletive beeped]!!!

Tails [trying to restrain Sonic]: YOU FU-[beep]-ING IDIOT!!! [trying to undo what Sonic just did; speaking to the camera] SOL, I DON'T LIKE THAT YOU EXPLODED MY HOUSE, BUT IT'S WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE!!! I LIKE YOUR MOM!!!

Knuckles [coming to; still groggy]: Sure, Tails, you like Sol's mom for cheap se-[beep] [beep] [beep] [beep] [beep] FLAMING [beep] [beep] HOT NASTY [beep] [beep] WOW, ROUGE, THAT'S A LOT OF [really long beep as Knuckle's mouth keeps moving]

Rouge [waking up half-drunk; speaking like self-important white-trash]: Officer, this echidna keeps harassing me! Arrest his bi-[beep] [beep]!

Knuckles [acting like white-trash as well]: You bi-[beep]! You ruined my fu-[beep] life! My father was right; all women are just money-sucking [another long beep; lasts about ten seconds]

Rouge [rage]: Fu-[beep] you, Knuckles! Fu-[beep] you and your mom!

Ky [enraged]: WILL YOU ALL JUST SHUT THE FU-[beep] UP!!!

[Everyone stops and looks at Ky gasping. Ky covers his mouth with both hands blushing.]

Ky [to Bob]: Did that get beeped? [Sakura and Touya see the screen bob to indicate that Bob nodded]

Eggman [strict]: FIFTY ROSARIES, KY!!!

Ky [hanging head]: Yes, sir.

Eggman [to camera; announcer-voice]: We'll be right back! [commercial]

Sakura [matter-of-factly speaking; she already knows that Sol's involved]: Touya, I bet you anything that Sol-kun didn't start the fire. In fact, I bet that Eggman-kun did in a spur-of-the-moment flamethrower... "incident."

Touya [knowing that he'll lose this bet]: You're on!

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Day 2

00:22

Tails's Burnt-Down House

[The "gang" is sitting at a picnic table just outside Tails's now extinguished house (get it?... wankers).]

Tails [dark, dark voice]: My house--

Shadow [bawling melodramatically]: IT'S ALL GONE!

Knuckles [jackass]: Oh, what-fucking-ever! I don't even HAVE a house!

Rouge: You have an island! Which, by the way, is currently not being used!

Knuckles: Hey, I could sell that place for a lot on E-Bay!

Rouge [cocking eyebrow]: Are you still drunk?

Knuckles [slurring words]: Possi-blyyyyyyyyy... [stares at Rouge's bosom] mammary-licious; I need some milk, mommy!

[The sound of two chestnuts cracking suddenly fill the air.]

Sonic [trying to open some chestnuts]: Guh! Why are the *green* ones always so hard to crack?

Shadow [kinda grossed out]: Are those even nuts? They're kinda slimy...

Eggman [disappointed]: This gag is getting us nowhere...

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COMMERCIAL

[A segment from Jerry Springer?]

Stupid Fuck-tard Audience [cheering madly]: JER-RY! JER-RY! JER-RY!

Springer: And we're back! Continuing our topic of the day, "You took my ho, you a-[beep]-hole!" If you're just joining us, our guests today are Bowser Koopa, Il Palazzo, and Ivo Robotnik--

Eggman [outburst]: EGGMAN, YOU FLYING [beep]-FACE!

Stupid Fuck-tard Audience [booing]: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Random Fuck-tard in the Audience: YOU SUCK, DR. EGGMAN!

[Eggman promptly shoots this person in the head.]

Springer: Calm down, calm down. Il Palazzo, why don't you start?

Il Palazzo [pissed off, but speaking tactfully]: Jerry. Honored audience members. I know it's a little foolish to bring up something that happened in high school, but it has been eating away [places hand on chest] at my heart for quite some time--

Bowser [rage]: OH, SHUT UP, ILLY!

Il Palazzo [losing composure]: Oh, I would, if it wasn't [points at Eggman] for this fu-[beep]-ing bastard over here!

Eggman [amazed, stupefied, and angry; hands outstretched]: Hey, hey, hey! I did nothing!

Il Palazzo [enraged]: THAT'S THE SAME THING YOU SAID BACK THEN, GIRL-THIEF!

Bowser [trying to be the voice of reason]: Okay, guys, I just thought about this: fighting on TV isn't going to resolve our differences!--

Eggman [interrupted]: Yeah, whatever, virgin Bowsy!

Bowser [stands up, furious]: HEY! DO NOT CALL ME BOWSY!!!

[Fighting breaks out, Jerry Springer and "security" tries to stop them, Jerry Springer, "security," and the fuck-tard audience are all killed, and, a few days later, our three overgrown delinquents are in a hospital. Eggman's right arm is broken, Il Palazzo has a broken leg, and Bowser has to be wheeled around thanks to a fractured shell.]

Il Palazzo [laughing]: HAHAHA, I totally forgot what we were fighting about!

Bowser: The five bucks you owe me, remember Illy?

Il Palazzo: What about the five bucks you owe me, Eggman?

Eggman: Right, right!

[Eggman gives Illy five bucks and Illy gives Bowser five bucks.]

Eggman [looking at Bowser]: Ahem!

Bowser: OH, right! I forgot!

[Bowser gives Eggman five dollars.]

Eggman: Paid in full!

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

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Day 2

08:00

Mysterious Place

[Amy, with a killer hangover, starts waking up.]

Amy [groggy]: Oh, god, my head. What a fucked up dream... I dreamt I was being dragged along the ground by--

Sol [indifferent and rude]: Oh, good, the pretty-princess woke up. Isn't this fucking magical?

Amy [shock]: Um, you're not going to kill me, are you?

Sol: Nah, I'm going to waste your time [angry] the same way you wasted mine with your drunken girl ramblings!

Amy [confused]: How long ago was that?

Sol [gets face-to-face with Amy, who flinches]: You tell me.

Amy [frightened]: Okay, okay, what do you want from me, then?

Sol [pulls out a laptop computer and hands it to Amy]: Type my memoirs.

Amy: Um... oh... kay...

[Amy boots up the computer and opens that most beloved/hated of all programs, Microsoft Word.]

Amy [assuming "home row" position]: Um, okay, I'm ready. What's the title?

Sol [glares]: No title yet. But I expect a swear in every sentence. If I don't say a swear, add one. Use your judgment. Oh, and for every sentence without a swear that I find... I'll kill your friends.

Amy [anime sweat drop]: Um, okay. Chapter one, then?

Sol [stands up and starts dictating]: Now you're getting it. Ahem. Chapter 1: Why I Hate Fucking Axl. Axl is a fag-tard fuck-ass whom God created to spite me and Axl's mom. If I hear that ugly-ass donkey-teeth fuck-face say "chief" one more time, I will hunt down and murder everyone he loves. And stab his face. [turns to Amy] You get all that?

Amy [reading as she types]: "And stab his fucking face." Got it!

Sol [smiles slightly]: Good, you're learning!

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Day 2

09:00

Outside Tails's "House"

[Shadow insisted on camping out like a giddy school-kid, and produced sleeping bags and tents out of nowhere. They all wake up semi-refreshed, except for Tails who looks like he might just kill a squirrel.]

Shadow [all happy and giddy]: MORNING!

[Tails gives him a glare that says, "I will kill you and steal your whore." Shadow cringes.]

Eggman [yawns]: God, I got to sleep properly a little less. [What!?] Hey, guys, I have an idea!

Rouge: Oh, you ALWAYS have an idea! [moans] And they usually get us in trouble...

Sonic: Yeah, or all of us nearly killed. Eggman, if this plan doesn't work, I'm obtaining the legally-binding papers to keep you from talking in my presence ever again.

Eggman: Or, I could shoot you in your presence! Or your sleep! But anywho, on to my plan. [screams at a distant airship that's barely visible]: JOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHNNNNNNNYYYYYYYYY!!!

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Day 2

09:00

The Mayship

[Johnny and May (Guilty Gear) are relaxing on the ship's deck when they hear Eggman's distant cry.]

May [angry]: Don't answer him, Johnny!

Johnny [sly and sexy and cool as always]: Now, May, Eggman's helped us out of a jam before, remember?

May [near tears]: But he's BALD! [May hates and wants to kill bald people]

Johnny: May, my dear, you must stop being so judgmental of appearances! Now go tell April that if she gets any more fat on that sexy little waist of hers, I'm dumping her in the Arctic. This Johnny's not an Eskimo; he doesn't want blubber. Now go to your room.

May [angry]: Fine. [walks off]

Johnny [calling back to Eggman]: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTT!!?

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Day 2