Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ CRONIES ❯ Betrayal! A Team Divided! Warm Cookies Can Turn Moldy! ( Chapter 9 )

CRONIES

A triple team production by:

THE TRIPLE PEEPS

Apollo Alexandre, a.k.a. "Grand Master Shoma" (GMS)

Neusa Gaspar, a.k.a. "Judge Neusy"

Carlos Alexandre, a.k.a. "CMA" (CMA)

http://www.triplepeeps.com/

Judge Neusy: DISCLAIMER: Any characters mentioned in this story that are not the distinctive likenesses of anyone else--including, but not limited to, Sega, Sonic Team, Nintendo, Koshi Rikdo, Sammy, Arc System Works, etc.--were created by us, and may not be used without our permission. All characters and distinctive likenesses not created by us are the property of their respective owners.

________

CMA: Originally released on 12/25/2003! READ, DAMMIT!!!

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Day 2

14:30

"Around the City"

[Eggman, Rouge, and Tails are chillin' on the rooftops, jumping/flying to each building while checking out the streets below for anything destructively bad Sol may have decided to do (check out Cronies 8).]

Rouge [sounding annoyed]: Where's the destruction? This sucks; Sol decided to be subtle.

Eggman [jackass]: Now what's your big plan, Rouge?

Rouge: Bathroom. Definitely the bathroom. Eggman, Tails, wait here. I'll be back. [Rouge jumps down to the street below, ignores the shocked pedestrians, and enters... the Eggman Café]

Eggman [silent for a while, then to Tails]: Tails, you're sick and tired of your so-called teammates pushing you around, aren't you?

Tails [still in a rather bitter mood]: Yeah, I guess I am. I shouldn't be. It's no different from the norm, but--

[Out of NOWHERE, Eggman pulls out a burlap sack and covers Tails with it. He ties it up and hefts it over his shoulder. Tails is struggling to get out this whole time. Eggman then jumps down to an alley below.]

Eggman [holding the bag in front of him]: Stupid Tails, stop struggling! [Eggman starts punching the bag repeatedly. He fails to notice a small child looking at him.]

Little Boy [near tears]: What are you doing?

Eggman [wearing an "oh-shit" expression]: What? It's just a cute little young fox in here!

Little Boy [runs off]: Mommy!

[Eggman then fires a tranquilizer dart at the bag, and soon it stops moving. Eggman then runs off with it, laughing maniacally.]

Eggman [evil]: Those fools! Soon it will all come together! MWAHAHAHAH!!!

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INTRO THEME SONG

by Knuckles's Rap Band

They were sittin', in a cafe one day

Then some weird-ass nut came and says the bank wuz bein' stolen

Shadow says "What?" Sonic says "Whoa!"

And the superhero posse wuz born

They'z the CRONIES

The name looks like Friends

But they ain't no "Phoebe"

What's up with that bitch?

Is she crazy or stupid--I dunno man, that's just whack

We talkin' about CRONIES!

And that's a fact!

Sonic's fast and freaky

Shadow thinks Sakura-chick died

Tails flyin' like a COPTA'

Knuckles is boring--he's guarding the Master Emerald

Rouge is stealin' it right now--dumb ass ho

Amy gets captured every episode

Eggman doin' the commercials

No one knows why!

They'z the CRONIES

Crime ain't got nothin' on 'em

Can't think of how to end this song

So we's is outa here!

(Instrumental)

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C ٠R ٠O ٠N ٠I ٠E ٠S

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COMMERCIAL

[Eggman is sitting around in his apartment, scratching his nads from time to time. He's bored.]

Eggman [looking at the camera]: That thing BETTER not be on.

Sonic [bored (and decided to hang out with Eggman?)]: Of course not, Eggman. [Sonic's lying.]

Eggman [scratches]: Good. Because I'm gettin' itchier and I'm going to have to take this up a notch. [starts scratching harder] C'mon, you damn itch! GO THE FUCK AWAY!

[Can you guess what's going on across the globe?]

[Tails's house...]

Rouge [seeing this very Eggman commercial]: Yep, time to become a lesbian.

Amy [disgusted]: Agreed.

Tails [shaking head]: I'm too sickened to be excited at the thought of you two doing it. And yet... [watching TV] I can't turn away... too... gross...

[Tomoeda Elementary; Captain Falcon's lazy and just letting the class watch normal TV, and they of course see Eggman...]

Sakura [turning away]: Shaoron-kun, tell me when Eggman stops scratching himself.

[Shaoron, unfazed, looks at the TV for a while.]

Sakura [wondering what's taking so long]: Shaoron-kun?--

Shaoron [slightly annoyed]: I'll tell you, Sakura.

Captain Falcon [more confused than disgusted]: I don't think that's healthy. Gather 'round, children, and I'll tell you why a man's... area is like a sacred garden!

Sakura [sickened]: When did school become so hard?

[Gedo High, lazy teacher, normal TV...]

Edge [calling]: Akira, come see this!

Akira [trying to pick up something from the floor, but she can't reach it and doesn't want to get up from her desk]: One sec, Edge.

Daigo [to Edge]: The second she gets up, something's going to happen to the TV so that she doesn't see Eggman doing this--

Edge [continuing]: And her opinion of him won't change a bit.

Akira [gets up]: Got it! [TV explodes]

Daigo [unenthused]: ......... Amazing.

[Back at Eggman's apartment...]

Eggman [finally stops]: AAAAAAAAaaaaaaahhhhhhhh much better.

Sonic: And CUT!

Eggman [realization]: I was live for the past five minutes, wasn't I?

Sonic: Yep.

Eggman [hopeful]: Do you think anyone joined the Eggman Empire after seeing it?

Sonic: Nope.

Eggman [thinking]: Do you think... maybe... if they saw Matt LeBlanc scratching his balls on TV, they'd join?

Sonic [being an ass]: I know I'd join.

Eggman [scheming]: Reeeaally? [pulls out a squirrel and a gun; rage voice] I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME, MR. LEBLANC! COME WORK FOR ME RIGHT NOW OR THE SQUIRREL DIES!

[Epilogue: Matt LeBlanc did as Eggman said. Two weeks later, Matt LeBlanc, the new laughing stock of the movie and TV industry, is a bum on the street. A week after that, he makes a comeback, and nothing changes. But none will ever forget the legend... of Itchy Nads Eggman.]

Eggman [stupid smile]: I know *I* won't!

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

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Day 2

14:45

The Woods

[Shadow is following a rifle-toting Knuckles. They went hunting for food. Instead of just buying it.]

Shadow [pain]: Why doesn't God just kill me?

Knuckles [lying in wait for some "game"]: The secret to hunting duck, Shadow--

Shadow: I thought we were hunting deer--

Knuckles: Whatever!

Shadow: You know, Knuckles, when Rouge spoke of "getting supplies," she didn't just mean food. Which, by the way, you sorry waste of flesh, could simply be PURCHASED AT A STORE!!! [Shadow's angry] She also meant stuff like guns and medical supplies!

Knuckles [looks at his rifle]: Well, I've got my gun! Where's yours?

[Shadow starts crying.]

Shadow [rage]: Urge to kill... Rouge... rising...

Knuckles: Quiet, Shadow! I see the biggest duck ever!

Shadow [noticing the flying figure has bat wings, is well-dressed, and looks suspiciously like the vampire lord Slayer from Guilty Gear X2]: That's not a duck YOU FOOL!!!

[Too late. Knuckles takes aim and fires.]

Slayer-sounding scream: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!!! [falls into the forest]

Shadow [scared]: You fool! You shot Slayer!

Knuckles [confused/idiot]: The vampire?

Shadow: No, the band--OF COURSE, THE VAMPIRE, YOU SHIT SACK!!!

Knuckles [now scared as well; hands the rifle to Shadow]: Sorry, Shadow, but I have to run now, leaving you to get killed! [bolts off]

Shadow: You really are stupid, aren't you?

[Suddenly, Slayer's silhouette appears behind Shadow, laughing manically. If you've played GGX2, it's the same laugh Slayer gives off during his mid-air SLASH attack.]

Slayer: hahahahahahAHAHAHAHAHAH--

Shadow: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--

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Day 2

16:00

Various Places in Station Square

[Sonic and Ky are going around asking people about what they've seen.]

[Sephiroth: Tailor of Death...]

Sonic: Hey, man, have you seen Sol Badguy come this way?

Sephiroth [sewing up a quilt]: No.

Sonic: So I see people still line up here for the bank.

Sephiroth: Yeah, business is booming since I set up an ATM. [whispers] But just between you and me, all money they deposit actually goes to this shop and is never seen again. [winks]

Sonic [cynical look]: ... What about withdrawals?

Sephiroth [unable to answer; blinks several times]: ... Get the hell out of my shop, Sonic.

[In a park...]

Ky: Pardon me, sir, but have you seen this man? [flashes a picture of Sol, eyes wide, eating a birthday cake that used to say "Happy 16th Birthday, Ky"; the picture is similar to the one Homer Simpson put on his college application...]

Captain Falcon [holding Black Shadow, the F-Zero GX villain, by the throat and punching him in the stomach]: Sorry, buddy, can't help you! [realization] OH, SHIT, I HAVE TO GET BACK TO CLASS!!! KY, TAKE OVER THE BEATING! [runs off]

Ky [helps Black Shadow to his feet]: Are you okay, sir?

Black Shadow: Thanks! Those faggy champions of justice, thinking they're so cool!

Ky [cocks eyebrow]: Faggy, eh?

[Ky resumes where Captain Falcon left off, punching Black Shadow.]

[In front of the Eggman Café...]

Sonic: Have you seen Sol Badguy around anywhere?

Random Person A [the loud guy, remember?]: NO I HAVEN'T! NOT SINCE I SAW HIM IN [points to a building] THAT HOTEL OVER THERE!!!

Sonic: Really? Hey, lady, what about you? You know anything?

Rouge: Um, Sonic, it's me.

Sonic: OH, Rouge, it's you. Where's Tails and Eggman?

Rouge: Beats me. We were scoping out rooftops, I go to the can, yadda yadda yadda, I haven't seen them since.

Sonic: Fair enough, I guess. [thinks for a moment] Yadda yadda? What in the hell--

[All of a sudden, Knuckles runs up to Sonic, leans on his shoulders, and pants heavily.]

Sonic: Knuckles! What's wrong?

Knuckles [looking guilty (no pun intended)]: ... nothing ...

Rouge: ... Except?

Knuckles: I THINK SHADOW'S DEAD!!!

Rouge: What? [starts shaking Knuckles] What did you do to my Shadow?

[Sonic looks at Rouge strangely.]

Rouge [notices this]: What? We're friends!

Sonic: Knuckles, explain to us why you probably left Shadow to die somewhere.

Knuckles: Um, he left ME to die! It's as clear to me now as it was yesterday--

Sonic: It happened TODAY, Knuckles!

Knuckles: Whatever! Anyway, it happened like this...

[ +++ KNUCKLES'S QUICK 'N' DIRTY FLASHBACK +++ ]

[Shadow dragged Knuckles to the forest to go hunting.]

Knuckles [calm and wise]: Shadow, I do believe that perhaps we should be purchasing supplies, not hunting!

Shadow [stoopid voice] Aw, you know nuttin' Knuckles! We should be shootin' blah blah blah Rouge should have sex with you blah blah blah you're the ultimate life blah blah blah shit blah fuck blah cunt blah blah blah!

Knuckles [heroic tone]: Shadow, watch out! A vampire!

Slayer [who, in Knuckles's little story, looks nothing like Slayer and more like a dressed-up alligator]: Tee hee hee! I am Slayer, the Vampire Master! Attack, my reptilian ninjas!

Knuckles [fighting stance]: Not on my shift! Shadow, make haste! I'll hold them off!

Shadow [cowardly]: Gotta go!

Knuckles [fighting off reptilian ninjas]: Shadow, watch out! Slayer is after you!

[The alligator-Slayer eats Shadow.]

Knuckles: NOOOOOO, SHADOW! WHY DO THE GOOD ONES DIE SO YOUNG!?

[ +++ END RETARDED FLASHBACK +++ ]

Knuckles [punching the air]: And I fought off those Reptilian ninjas, all one million of them! Anything to avenge my good friend Shadow!

[Rouge does not look the least bit impressed.]

Sonic [shame]: Okay, Knuckles, from what you've just told me, I'm guessing that you... are an idiot. Furthermore, *you* dragged Shadow off to go hunting, *you* shot Slayer by mistake, *you* probably gave Shadow your gun, and *you* probably left Shadow to die. Am I wrong?

Knuckles [looking at the ground]: No, sir.

Sonic: That's better. Now let's go find Shadow! Shit, man, we're all disappearing left and right today...

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Day 2

16:31

Sakura Kinomoto's room (ICT)

[Eggman just closed Sakura's closet. He's about to leave Sakura's room when...]

Sakura [entering her room, and just about has a heart attack when she sees big fat Eggman in there]: AAAAAAH!!!

Eggman [shocked/annoyed]: WAAAAAAH!!!

Sakura [hand on her chest]: Oh, it's just you, Eggman-kun! What are you doing in my room?

Eggman: Why, nothing! I'm not in your room at all!

Sakura [anime sweat drop]: Eggman, clearly you--

Eggman: Gotta go? Couldn't agree more! Later, sweetie!

[Eggman jumps out Sakura's open window with a mighty "HUP!" Sakura then hears many bumps as Eggman screams and rolls down the shingles, taking a few with him as he lands with a mighty thud.]

Eggman [yelling from below]: OOOWWWWWW! FUUUUUUUUUCK!! I'M OKAY! SAKURA, DON'T LOOK INTO YOUR CLOSET! LATER! [runs off into the distance]

Sakura [to Kero, who just woke up from a nap on Sakura's bed]: Kero, did you see what Eggman brought in here?

Kero: Eggman was here? Crap, I always miss him!

Sakura: Hoeeeeeee...

[Sakura opens her closet and sees a tied-up burlap sack]

Sakura [scared]: Oh my god, who did Eggman kill?

[Burlap sack starts moving, like someone's struggling from within]

Sakura [much more scared, steps back]: OH MY GOD! WHO DID EGGMAN *TRY* TO KILL!?

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COMMERCIAL

Eggman: Greetings, good people. Ever had searing muscle and joint pain? Cold patches just keep failing on you? Well screw them! Try, instead [pulls out a package] my new Super Warm Egg Patch!

Bob [from behind the camera]: Ach, sir, they look kind of... red and smoking to me, yah?

Eggman: That's the point! It will relax, oh, let's say, my sore elbow! [Eggman rolls back his sleeve] And now, the patch! [Eggman uses metal tweezers to apply the burning item to his bare elbow] There, I... [Eggman's expression changes, and with his free hand he starts punching the wall] Well, it's not so bad once you... get used... to the pain OH GOD! [rips it off, throws it on the floor] JESUS CHRIST, MAN! THESE ARE LIKE SECOND-DEGREE BURNS!!! WHAT WAS I THINKING!? OWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! FUCKER!!! AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaah... Hey! It feels better! You see, people? It does work! [sees Bob shaking his head] What!?

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

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Day 2

17:30

Spooky Forest

[Sonic, Rouge, and Knuckles are looking for Shadow. Knuckles is scared.]

Knuckles [hands on Sonic's shoulders, as if trying to hide behind him]: Do we have to be here? I don't want to run into anything supernatural anymore! Let's just leave Shadow to die...

Sonic: We need to find Shadow to find Eggman to find Tails to find Amy to lead us to Sol--

[Suddenly, before them...]

Shadow [bloodshot eyes, fangs, demonic echo to voice]: Hello, my friends! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! [lunges at Knuckles and is about to bite him]

Knuckles: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--

Sonic [annoyed]: Shadow, cut that out.

Shadow [returns to normal]: How'd you know? [Lets go of a mortally-frightened Knuckles, who's still shaking]

Sonic: Good to see you're still alive and all, Shadow, but how did you live?

Shadow [trying to look and sound all clever]: An excellent question! You see--

[ +++ SHADOW'S FAR-MORE-ACCURATE FLASHBACK +++ ]

Knuckles: Quiet, Shadow! I see the biggest duck ever!

Shadow [noticing the flying figure has bat wings, is well-dressed, and looks suspiciously like the vampire lord Slayer from Guilty Gear X2]: That's not a duck YOU FOOL!!!

[Too late. Knuckles takes aim and fires.]

Slayer-sounding scream: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!!! [falls into the forest]

Shadow [scared]: You fool! You shot Slayer!

Knuckles [confused/idiot]: The vampire?

Shadow: No, the band--OF COURSE, THE VAMPIRE, YOU SHIT SACK!!!

Knuckles [now scared as well; hands the rifle to Shadow]: Sorry, Shadow, but I have to run now, leaving you to get killed! [bolts off]

Shadow: You really are stupid, aren't you?

[Suddenly, Slayer's silhouette appears behind Shadow, laughing manically. If you've played GGX2, it's the same laugh Slayer gives off during his mid-air SLASH attack.]

Slayer: hahahahahahAHAHAHAHAHAH--

Shadow: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--

Slayer [all calm and casual]: Greetings, good sir! My apologies; you were not the one who shot a bullet into my arse. A moment... [suddenly, a bullet falls behind Slayer] Ah, much better! I am Slayer. Won't you join me for a while? We can discuss important topics and eat crumpets!

Shadow [giddy]: Ooooooooo, crumpets!

[ +++ END FLASHBACK +++ ]

Shadow [continuing]: We discussed that movie "Bowling for Columbine" whilst having tea and crumpets! Sure, Slayer sucked the life out of this one lady who kept hanging off his arm, but it was in a, um, noble, loving way! You know?

Knuckles [trying to cover his ass; elbowing Shadow]: So you beat the reptilian ninjas?

Shadow [cocks an eyebrow; looks at Sonic]: What the hell did this ass-fuck tell you?

Sonic: Nothing, nothing. Now, help us find--

Shadow [nervous]: Eggman? Um, er, neither I nor Rouge know where he is...

Rouge [looking around nervously]: Yeah, we have no idea! Why would we? Stop asking us strange and silly questions!

Knuckles [jackass]: Why would you know anything, Rouge? Girls aren't smart!

Rouge [kicks Knuckles in the nose]: Asshole.

Sonic: Okay, everyone shut up! No more splitting up! We gave Ky a Crony-phone to keep in touch, and for some reason we haven't thought of calling Tails!

Shadow [nervous again]: Um, is that such a good idea, bothering the little guy like that?

Rouge [also acting suspicious]: Yeah, he's pretty level-headed, smart, and independent! He's probably, um, with a hot girl! They love the independent cute-looking male, um, fox nowadays!

Sonic [becoming slightly annoyed]: But we're looking for him! [dials-up Tails, and hears, over the phone...]

Eggman [over the phone]: Greetings, bitches, Eggman speaking!

Sonic: Eggman!? Why are you answering Tails's phone?

Eggman [clearly caught off-guard]: Oh, um, er, um, I see, um, er, dammit why did I answer his phone GOTTA GO! [Sonic hears a click]

Sonic [tries to re-dial, but gets nothing]: That was VERY unusual... hmm, probably he was holding the phone while Tails went to the bathroom--

Knuckles: Yeah, maybe Tails has a bladder problem or something--

Rouge: YEAH, yeah, that must be it! A bladder problem!

Shadow: Absolutely! That's a perfectly viable explanation for everything!

Rouge: Good call, Knuckles!

Knuckles [suddenly getting all suspicious]: Hey, waitaminute! Something's fishy here!

[Shadow and Rouge look at each other and start sweating...]

Knuckles [pointing at Rouge]: You *never* agree with anything I say! Neither of you! [cynical sounding tone] I think you two are--

Sonic [angry]: Oh, Knuckles, just TAKE THE DAMN COMPLIMENT!

[Sonic and Knuckles walk ahead. Shadow and Rouge hang back.]

Rouge [whispering]: Shadow, we gotta keep our cool.

Shadow [also whispering]: Yeah, if Knuckles is getting suspicious, then we fucked!

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Day 2

17:31

Somewhere in Station Square

[Eggman hears an unusual ringing and pulls out Tails's confiscated Crony-phone.]

Eggman [answering phone]: Greetings, bitches, Eggman speaking!

Sonic [over the phone]: Eggman!? Why are you answering Tails's phone?

Eggman [clearly caught off-guard]: Oh, um, er, um, I see, um, er, dammit why did I answer his phone GOTTA GO! [hangs up and throws Tails's Crony-phone to the street, where it is crushed under a truck]

Ky [saw all this and approaches Eggman]: Dr. Eggman? What was that device?

Eggman [spooked]: Oh, um, well, before I answer that, who's that bleeding man you're holding?

Black Shadow [Ky is holding him by his now one good horn (he broke the other one)]: I call hero brutality!

Ky: Evil-doer. Your tur-- Eggman? [Ky sees an Eggman-shaped puff of smoke before him, then looks beyond to see said evil doctor running away scared]

[Black Shadow then breaks free and runs away.]

Black Shadow [tears]: I'm free! FREE!

Ky: SACRED EDGE! [fires a lance of lightning at Black Shadow; it leaves said F-Zero villain a smoking burned pile on the sidewalk, where little kids are poking him with sticks.] That was very suspicious of Eggman. Very suspicious indeed.

[Ky walks to the broken Crony-phone and compares it to the one Sonic lent him.]

Ky [narrowing eyes]: Peculiar...

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Day 3

07:00

"Mysterious Place"

Sol [awakens startled and sweating, sitting up in bed]: GAH!!! [Sol starts breathing heavily]

Amy [making coffee]: You had that dream again? The one where you and Ky are making out?

Sol [holding forehead with hand]: They're becoming less frequent.

Amy [rage]: Those bastards left me for yet ANOTHER day... they're probably not even trying this time...

[Amy and Sol then hear some rumbling from outside. Sol opens a window to see what's going on.]

Sol [clenches fist]: That buck-toothed queer-boy homo-fag! I specifically told him to both leave my sight AND that the Cronies were MINE! As soon as I'm done my refreshing morning coffee, they'll all feel my burning wrath! [Sol sits and calmly sips his brew.]

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Day 3

07:15

Outside the Station Square Hotel

[We see none other than Axl Low fighting off what's left of the Cronies (Sonic, Shadow, Rouge, and Knuckles).]

Axl [juggling Knuckles]: AXL BOMBER!!!

[Knuckles goes flying into a yield sign.]

Rouge [pissed]: Knuckles, your hot-headedness is really starting to piss me off!

Sonic: Oh man! We've been fighting for like five minutes and he's still up! If Axl's giving us this much trouble, and Axl's afraid of Sol, then how badly is Sol going to kick our ass?

Rouge [cocky]: Oh he's not THAT hard! Watch! [Rouge drives her heel into Axl's shin]

Axl [pain]: OY!!! ME ENCHANTED SHIN!!! [no typo; Axl drops, clutching his shin; he then looks up and sees...] Oh, hey Chief! [Axl stands up quickly] Chief, Chief, look! They busted up me enchanted shin--

Sol [suddenly and violently gives Axl the beating of his life; sounds crazed]: I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SIGHT! FURTHERMORE [he's still beating Axl with a variety of ground and air-combos] YOU WERE TO LEAVE THE CRONIES TO ME! NOW FUCK OFF!!! [with one final Napalm Death, Sol blows one screaming Axl to the stratosphere]

Sonic [wide-eyed]: Holy shit. [Tries to sound brave, but his fear is apparent] Sol, I'm going to regret this eight thousand times over, but you have to pay for burning up Tails's house! He's my buddy and you made him cry!

Sol [sincerely confused]: The fuck are you talking about?

Shadow [also confused]: Yeah, Sonic, what are you talking about?

Sonic [to Shadow]: Shadow, didn't you tell me that Sol blew up Tails's house?--

Shadow: No, I said, quote, "Sol came! And the house exploded!" Two different sentences! Possibly fragments!

Sonic: THEN WHAT BLEW UP TAILS'S HOUSE!?

Shadow: I DON'T KNOW!!! LAST THING I REMEMBER WAS EGGMAN WITH ALCOHOL AND A FLAMETHROWER--

Sonic [very irritated; throws his hands up]: OH, GOD, MAN! YOU RETARDS! ALL OF YOU! [looks at Sol] Um, except for Sol, of course, um... there's no way we're escaping this without casualties, right?

Sol [cracking his knuckles]: Nope. Except Amy. She wrote my memoirs. She lives.

Shadow [like a goof]: I'd like to hear from Rouge the Bat!

Rouge [sees Amy behind Sol]: Where the hell were you, Amy?

Amy: Room 215.

Knuckles [checking his fortune-cookie fortune]: AWWW! These fortunes are useless! [throws it away; Sonic snatches it]

Sonic [reading it out loud]: "You will find your kidnapped friend in the Station Square Hotel, room 215." [slaps Knuckles in the back of the head] YOU IDIOT! When did you get this fortune?

Knuckles [massaging the back of his head]: Two days ago! Why?

Sol: Enough talk.

Knuckles [brave]: Your beef is with me! Leave the others out of this!

[Sol uses this opportunity to run up to Knuckles, combo him, launch him into the air, combo him s'more, and then hit Knuckles towards terra firma so hard that Knuckles's head is buried in the concrete.]

Shadow [wide-eyed]: Eep.

Knuckles [spits some blood]: Don't think I'm out just yet. [anime-style eye-twinkle]

Sol: Give it up.

Sonic: Yes, you dumb fuck, give it up. Accept it; we're going to die!

Knuckles: This is a little something I learned from my last encounter with Manga Yugi!

Shadow: [hand on forehead] THAT WAS OUR ONLY ENCOUNTER WITH MANGA YUGI!

Knuckles: I call this little trick--

[Thunderclouds appear out of nowhere.]

Sol: The hell?

Knuckles [glowing with power]: Eat this, Sol! My most terrible move! CURSE... OF... POT!!!

[Lightning strikes Sol, and he vanishes.]

Rouge [amazed]: Holy shit! Knuckles, what did you do?

Knuckles [evil smile]: I sent him to a better place.

[Remember those trippy rotating bonus stages from the original Sonic the Hedgehog?]

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Day 3

07:25

Sonic 1 Special Stage

Sol [bumping and spinning helplessly throughout the stage]: I'M SO GOING TO KILL YOU KNUCKLES!!! IF I CAN GET OUT OF THIS HELL-- [turns to see the trippy background that changes] Hey, that's pretty cool.

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Day 3

07:26

Outside the Station Square Hotel

Rouge: That was actually clever of you Knuckles. I'm actually getting aroused by your sexy, um, what's that word, ability to... not rely on Tails.

Knuckles [cocky]: Thanks, bitch!

Sonic: Indeed. So, he needs to collect all the Chaos Emeralds in order to escape the curse?

Knuckles: That's what it seems!

[All the remaining Cronies laugh, like in the end of so many bad anime episodes. Suddenly, though, a giant gold ring appears out of nowhere. Sol jumps out holding six Chaos Emeralds in his arms.]

Sol [unenthused]: Hi.

Rouge [a little worried]: Oh dear.

Sonic: With the six Chaos Emeralds, he might become... SUPER SOL!?

Sol [brow perking up]: Rea-he-heally?

Shadow [triumphant/proud/clever]: Not true! You see, you need seven Chaos Emeralds, and I [holds up the seventh and last emerald] happen to have the last--

Sol [snatches the emerald at lightning-speed]: Yoink.

Shadow: SHIT!

[A gold aura starts to surround Sol, and before you can say, "You let her live? You're such a boy scout!" he becomes... GOLD SOL! Quick primer: in GGX2, there's gold versions of each characters with greater powers. Gold Sol is ALWAYS in Dragon Install mode, heals life, and has infinite Tension (Supers).]

Shadow [matter-of-factly]: And now we're going to die.

Rouge: Knuckles, we have to work together to win!

Knuckles: If we must.

[Knuckles and Rouge jump and glide towards Sol.]

Sol [effortlessly]: TYRANT RAVE!

[Sol actually performs a double Tyrant Rave by punching Rouge and Knuckles with each hand. Our favorite treasure-hunters are now convulsing on the street.]

Sol [walking slowly towards Sonic and Shadow]: Almost too easy.

Shadow [panic]: ohmygodwhatdowedowhatdowedoWHATDOWEDO--

Sonic [snaps his fingers]: Of course! Shadow, pass me my Crony-phone!

Shadow: BUT I'M NOT DONE WITH IT!!!

Sonic [annoyed]: Pass it!

Sol [smirking]: Go ahead, use your phone. Call someone who cares.

Sonic [hits a few buttons, hears a ring, then a pickup, and starts talking]: Hello! Hey, man, where are you? Yeah... Yeah... Yeah... No... Yeah... Hey, can you pass by? Station Square Hotel. Yeah, we're in a bit of a jam. No, not your girlfriend Jam. No, I haven't seen her. See you in a bit! [hangs up] There.

Sol [thinking]: "Your girlfriend Jam?" Waitaminute--

Ky [out of nowhere, ramming into Sol]: RIDE THE LIGHTNING!!!

Sol [knocked back somewhat]: Dammit, I have to stop letting my victims use their damn cell phones to call Ky! That's the third time this month alone!

[Though Ky's attack didn't damage Gold Sol all that much, it allowed Ky to gather the seven Chaos Emeralds to become... well, um, Gold Ky. He's not as good as Gold Sol, but has VERY damaging projectiles.]

Amy [indifferent]: Um, I think we should leave.

[Gold Sol and Gold Ky's fight topples buildings and kills various small animals in mammoth explosions of fire and lightning. Shadow, the dumbass, hasn't moved.]

Rouge [grabs Shadow's arm]: Shadow, let's get out of here!

Shadow [whiny]: OOOOOOOOOOOOH!!! BUT THE FIGHT'S GETTING GOOD!!!

______________________________________________

Day 3

08:35

Some Ways Away From the Explosions of Fire and Lightning That Threaten to Destroy Station Square Yet Again, Like the Time Perfect Chaos Killed All Those People With Water... Flooding... Everywhere.

Sonic [walking casually]: Well, we've settled things with Sol--

Amy: Um, not really, Sonic. We just left him to fight with Ky in the hopes that Ky would either win or Sol would forget we exist.

Sonic [annoyed]: Okay, okay, fine. So we HAVEN'T settled things with Sol, but we HAVE saved Amy Ro--

Amy [angry]: You didn't save me! In fact, Sol saved me from the drunken fire! He didn't hurt me during your unfinished fight, AND he fed me. I think he even washed my dress! [her dress sparkles] See?

Sonic [more annoyed]: ... So the sex was good?

[Amy growls, but then looks away angrily.]

Sonic: Okay, so we did jack shit AND we lost Tails. Where is he, anyway--

Shadow [suspicious]: Um, we dunno.

[Knuckles and Sonic look at each other and nod understandingly.]

Knuckles: You know, guys, I think you know where Tails--

Rouge [nervously]: HAHAHAHAHA you're funny, Knuckles! Too, too funny! Let's get some beer into you and then have mad drunk passionate sex! [she puts her hand on his shoulder] C'mon, we can go right now--

Knuckles [knocks her hand away]: I'm going to regret this for the rest of my life, but don't TOUCH ME! WHERE'S TAILS!?

Shadow: STOP YELLING, YOU'RE SCARING AMY!

Amy [not scared]: Pardon?

Mysterious evil egg-shaped scientist's voice [evil]: No need to cover any more, Shadow. They cannot stop us now! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Rouge [leaps away from the group]: Hahaha! We kidnapped Tails! He's your most useful member! Without him, the Cronies will fall! And the Eggman Empire will rule!

Shadow [teleports beside Rouge; sounds sinister, like Shadow in the games]: We planned this from day one. All we had to do was join the Cronies and wait for the precise moment that Tails was left defenseless in our presence.

Sonic [realization]: Oh my GOD! It all adds up! Shadow! YOU'VE wanted Tails since the beginning! You want a flying sidekick! Besides Rouge!

______________________________________________

FLASHBACKS - Shadow and Tails

CRONIES 2

[They start driving again. Some time passes. Tails is doing the "Cat's Cradle" with some string and makes a Shadow face.]

Shadow [takes full attention away from the road]: That's some nice cradling, Tails.

Tails [drops string, points in front of him]: Pedestrian! PEDESTRIAN!

Shadow [swerving]: OH FUCK!

***

Shadow [lets go of wheel, turns COMPLETELY AROUND]: I told you that if you fooled around again, we'd turn this car RIGHT AROUND and go back to Tails's house!

Tails [tugging on Shadow's arm]: Shadow? Shadow! SHADOW!?

Shadow [calmly pats Tails on the head]: Yes, Tails?

CRONIES 3

Tails: Shadow, I unclogged it! Can we drive forward now?

Shadow: NO! Keep going backwards!

Sonic [looks worried]: Um, Shadow--

Shadow: Can't you see I'm instructing the boy?

CRONIES 4

[Amy then looks at the Cronies. Sonic and Eggman are strangling each other. Eggman somehow, in the few seconds that Amy wasn't looking, managed to change into a top hat, bow tie, sweat pants, and no shirt. Was his old outfit lost in the skirmish? Amy didn't want to think about it. Knuckles and Rouge were making out on the street; groping, rolling, and so forth. Shadow and Tails were attempting to set up a camera directly beneath Amy's dress for optimal panty view. Juki and Shade are biting each other. In addition, the setting sun happens to be in a position where it can't shine on the Cronies, so they look really dark and hopeless. Very... yeah.]

EGGMAN ADVENTURES 5

[Sonic and Tails approach the light. It's the remnants of a Chaos Control; it's Shadow!]

Shadow [evil glare]: Hello, Sonic and Tails.

Tails [happy]: Hi Shadow!

Shadow [happy; pets Tails]: OOOOOH, HE'S SO CUTE! Can I keep him, Sonic?

______________________________________________

END FLASHBACKS

Sonic [hearing the echo of Shadow saying, "Can I keep him, Sonic?" over and over; Sonic clutches his head]: No... you... CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNN'T!!!

[Sonic and Shadow start fighting at high speeds.]

Knuckles [calling out]: Why don't you show yourself, mysterious egg-shaped scientist?

[The mysterious scientist reveals his identity to Knuckles at long last...]

Knuckles [surprised]: Oh no, it's Dr. Eggman! I believe everything he says!

Eggman [points at Knuckles]: Knuckles, it's time for you to go home.

Knuckles [starting to sweat; he's trying to resist doing what Eggman tells him to do, but he cannot]: IT'S TIME... [slowly turns away, though he tries not to; his face looks strained] FOR ME... TO GO HOME!!!

Sonic [dodges an attack in time to see what's happening]: Knuckles, stop! Don't listen!

Knuckles [starts crying]: I'm sorry! I have to go home! [glides off] Avenge meeeeeeeeeeeee... [disappears into the distance]

[Eggman, Shadow, and Rouge gather together. Then, Eggman throws down a smoke bomb. Several moments after the smoke clears, Sonic and Amy notice that the three villains aren't that far away, as if they were in no big hurry to escape.]

Eggman: That was great, you two! Let's go to Burger King-- [notices Sonic and Amy starting to chase them] Oh, shit! [Shadow warps them away]

Amy: Lovely. Now only me and Sonic are left. [sly look] Hmm... not bad...

______________________________________________

COMMERCIAL

________

CHAT ROOM

[Conqueror_69 has signed on.]

[Bowzy-kins has signed on.]

[I_to_the_LP has signed on.]

Conqueror_69: How-D, bitches! Waz happenin'?

I_to_the_LP: It's a little slow in the ol' chat room today.

Bowzy-kins: Yeah, no young luscious teen lesbians has chatted nuttin' up yet.

Conqueror_69: Pardon me?

[EmeraldGuardianRed has signed on.]

EmeraldGuardianRed: u 4|_|_ 5u<|<

Conqueror_69: Knuckles is that u?

[EmeraldGuardianRed has logged off.]

Bowzy-kins: That boy needs scronkin' somethin' fierce, yo?

Conqueror_69: What? :(

[UltimateLife has signed on.]

UltimateLife: Word up. >:)

I_to_the_LP: You know, I was talkin' to this one girl once, and I found out that the ho was ALL about the bling bling.

I_to_the_LP: ^_^

Conqueror_69: WHAT!? R U high!? O_o

Bowzy-kins: LOL Eggman wants the 8====O

Conqueror_69: ??? What duz that mean?

Conqueror_69: Oh. U guys suck

[BatGirl has signed on.]

BatGirl: I want to fuck Knuckles so BAD.

UltimateLife: Knuckles, is that you?

[BatGirl has logged off.]

[BatThief has signed on.]

UltimateLife: Hey, Rouge. Knuckls tried to make you look bab

UltimateLife: *bad

BatThief: No worries. So fox-boy is secure?

Conqueror_69: Damn straight. I gave him a good home.

[Plumbs has signed on.]

Plumbs: Wow. I didnt-a know this-a chat room existed.

Plumbs: *didn't=a

Bowzy-kins: Hey, "Plumbs." You heard about this sheltered princess who wants to fuck real bad? Her e-mail is peach_wants_to_69@hotmail.com

Plumbs: WTF!? I'm-a going to kill you!

[Plumbs has logged off.]

I_to_the_LP: Man, how does Mario expect to hide his identity when he types out "-a" after every second word?

Conqueror_69: Whatever. Hey, listen, I GTG conquer earth

[Conqueror_69 has logged off.]

I_to_the_LP: Save some for ACROSS!!! :-)

[I_to_the_LP has logged off.]

Bowzy-kins: Hey, peach_wants_to_69@hotmail.com's on MSN! Time to get me some sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet! XD :P (|)

Bowzy-kins: I wish someone were here to see that...

UltimateLife: I'm still here... :'(

[Bowzy-kins has logged off.]

[UltimateLife has logged off.]

[EmeraldGuardianRed has signed on.]

EmeraldGuardianRed: Hello?

EmeraldGuardianRed: ...

EmeraldGuardianRed: Aw, dammitl...

EmeraldGuardianRed: *damnit

EmeraldGuardianRed: *dammit

________

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

______________________________________________

Sonic [all depressed; sounds defeated]: Tails was kidnapped, but he probably wanted to leave anyway. Shadow and Rouge betrayed us. Knuckles got duped... AGAIN. Our base is gone, and we have no way of knowing where Tails was taken or where Eggman ran off to. [walks away]

Amy [worried]: Sonic, wait! Where are you going?

Sonic: There's nothing left for me here, Amy. The Cronies... ARE FINISHED.

______________________________________________

THE END... for now... again... one more time... BEHOLD, IT IS NOT THE END... oh, wait, it is... psyche!... WE PLAY "PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE PEPPERONI ON THEIR PIZZA" IN DEFENSE MODE!... laughs are hard... our readers were seriously wounded, but the soul still burns...