Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ CRONIES ❯ Unify! A Sorta Half-Assed Reunion! ( Chapter 10 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

CRONIES

A triple team production by:

THE TRIPLE PEEPS

Apollo Alexandre, a.k.a. "Grand Master Shoma" (GMS)

Neusa Gaspar, a.k.a. "Judge Neusy"

Carlos Alexandre, a.k.a. "CMA" (CMA)

http://www.triplepeeps.com/

Judge Neusy: DISCLAIMER: Any characters mentioned in this story that are not the distinctive likenesses of anyone else--including, but not limited to, Sega, Sonic Team, Nintendo, Koshi Rikdo, Sammy, Arc System Works, etc.--were created by us, and may not be used without our permission. All characters and distinctive likenesses not created by us are the property of their respective owners.

________

CMA: Originally released on 10/3/2004! READ, DAMMIT!!!

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Day 4

23:59

The Master Emerald Shrine

Knuckles [silently watching over the Master Emerald on Angel Island; very contemplative]: I'll probably watch over the Master Emerald for the rest of my life. Alone and forever. It is my fate, my destiny. [starts quietly singing another Sonic Team song] ♪♫ In the NiGHTS, dream delights, I want to see you standing there -- ♪♫ [realization/anger] Hey! WAIT A MINUTE!!! THAT ROTUND FUCKER!!! [inspiration] Oh, yeah, Knuckles has a plan now!

[Knuckles glides off Angel Island, back towards the Mystic Ruins]

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Day 5

09:12

Mystic Ruins - The Run Down Shack

[Sonic is at the old run-down shack at the Mystic Ruins, watching a TV. Sonic's still depressed as Amy tries to console him.]

Amy [tugging at Sonic's arm]: C'mon, Sonic! We have to save Tails!

Sonic [still depressed]: I don't wanna save Tails. He's gone forever. Nothing's going to get me out of this slump...

Amy [angry]: You've changed, Sonic! You aren't the same hedgehog I fell in love with!

Sonic: Good, let's keep it that way.

Amy [sad]: Oh, what can bring you back, Sonic?

[Suddenly, who should barge in to the shack triumphantly but--]

Knuckles [determined]: KNUCKLES IS BACK IN THE HOUSE!!!

Sonic [suddenly back to his old self]: ALL RIGHT!!! [gives Knuckles a high five]

Amy [confused]: What!? I tried everything I could and KNUCKLES gets you back up?

Sonic: C'mon, Amy! It's Knuckles!

Knuckles: And it just so happens that I have a plan! Leave Eggman to me, Sonic. He'll find me rather... unresponsive, heh heh heh...

[Several moments later, the excitement dies down, and our bored heroes decide to...]

Sonic: Let's see what's on TV.

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INTRO THEME SONG

by the Cronies (based on S Club 7's S Club Party)

Cronies! (there ain't no party like a Cronies party)
Gonna take you down (everybody get down tonight)
Cronies! (there ain't no party like a Cronies party)
Three point one four is pi (two pi R finds circumference yo!)

Finally crime-fightin' night
Feelin' kinda good, lookin' alright
Gotta get movin', can't be late
Gonna save the world, we just can't wait (ho!)
Get the feeling (get the feeling)
Beat the people (beat them all up)
Eggman hater (Eggman hater)
Get ready everybody 'cos here we go!

Cronies (there ain't no party like a Cronies party)
Gonna take you down (everybody get down tonight)
Cronies (there ain't no party like a Cronies party)
Three point one four is pi (two pi R finds circumference yo!)

O-oh O-oh! Throw your hands in the air
O-oh O-oh! Like you just don't care
O-oh O-oh! Cronies party over here
O-oh O-oh! Cronies party over there

Tails's doing his dance
Amy's looking for romance
Rouge's getting down on the floor
While Knuckles treats her like a whore (ooh hoo!)
Wanna see Sonic swing
Wanna see Shadow do his thing
Then we got Eggman who will conquer,

All of the entire world!

Cronies! (there ain't no party like a Cronies party)
Gonna take you down (everybody get down tonight)
Cronies! (there ain't no party like a Cronies party)
Three point one four is pi (two pi R finds circumference yo!)

O-oh O-oh! Wave your hands in the air
O-oh O-oh! Like you just don't care
O-oh O-oh! Cronies party over here
O-oh O-oh! Cronies party over there
O-oh O-oh! Gonna conquer the world!
O-oh O-oh! Yeah every boy and girl!
O-oh O-oh! Yeah my plans will be unfurled!
O-oh O-oh! Gotta conquer all the worlds!

(Crony girls) Crony boys, make some noise!
(Crony boys) Hey there ladies! Show them titties!

Cronies! (there ain't no party like a Cronies party)
Gonna take you down (everybody get down tonight)

[Each Crony member jumps in the air Matrix style and using a Chaos Emerald, they each write out the first letter of their name. (if you saw the actual S Club 7 video, you would understand what we mean) As they go, they unknowingly spell out "STREAKS" and are confused as the song continues]

(Instrumental)

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C ٠R ٠O ٠N ٠I ٠E ٠S

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COMMERCIAL

Eggman: Greetings, good people! Today, I'll be talking about my plans of WORLD DOMI-- [gets tackled by Shadow and Rouge, who struggle to keep Eggman down] Hey, what the hell is this?

Shadow [struggling]: Eggman, you specifically told us not to let you reveal your plans! By always revealing your plans, you lose to Sonic!

Eggman: But I love revealing my plans for world domination! It tempts Sonic! It pisses him off! I need a rival, dammit!

Rouge: This is for your own good, Eggman!

Eggman: HEY! Put down that ball of twine!

[Several moments later, after much chaos and cursing, Eggman is now tied up.]

Eggman [trying desperately to speak into the camera]: I'M GOING TO CONQUER THE WORLD BY-- [gets gagged by Rouge]

Rouge [dusting off her hands]: There, that'll hold him!

Shadow [looks at the camera]: Holy shit! Is the camera still on? [Speaks nervously] Um, er, hello good people! This has been the, um... Eggman... comedy hour! Yes, that sounds like what the masses would watch! Funny guy, that Egg-shaped man! [fake laughter] HA HA... HA.

[Unbeknownst to Shadow, Eggman had his studio crew display an on-screen message for just such an occasion.]

[The first bit scrolls up and reads, "DEAR SONIC HEROES! GREETINGS, SONIC HEROES!]

Shadow [still going on]: Er, tune in next week when we'll have Rouge, um... oh, I know! Strip naked!

Rouge: HEY! [angry eyes]

Shadow: Just play along, okay?

[The second bit scrolls up and reads, "I HAVE TAKEN TAILS TO A SECURE LOCATION AND PLAN TO CONQUER EARTH BY INFECTING ALL THE WORLD'S COMPUTERS WITH MY NEW EGG-VIRUS!]

Rouge [looking at a monitor that shows what's being broadcasted and sees the text]: SHADOW, CUT THE FEED!!!

[The third bit scroll up and reads, "WITHOUT TAILS, YOU CANNOT STOP ME!"]

Shadow [confused]: What feed? [sees what Rouge is talking about] OH, SNAP!!! [jump kicks the camera]

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

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Day 5

11:00

Mystic Ruins - The Run Down Shack

Knuckles: A computer virus? Rouge stripping? Sonic, can you tape this for me next week?

Sonic [shakes head]: So, anyway, Amy, do you have computer experience?

Amy: No, that's what Tails and Rouge were for.

Sonic: Crap. Hmm... Wait, I know! Tails told me of a super-secret base he built into the Mystic Ruins! Let's go!

Mysterious voice of an Italian plumber [knocks on shack's door]: Allo? Is-a the anybody home!? It's-a me, the Chums!

Mysterious voice of a bizarro clone of an Italian plumber: I-a thought we agreed we were called the "Wario Peeps!"

Mysterious voice of an Italian plumber [now clearly Mario]: Hmm, how about-a "The Ghetto Gang?"

Mysterious voice of a bizarro clone of an Italian plumber [now clearly Wario]: Hmm, yah, that's-a good enough.

Sonic [listening; not impressed]: It just never ends, does it? Why doesn't the hurting stop?

Knuckles [jerk]: Because Amy touches herself at night!

Amy [blushing and angry]: Who started that rumor!?

Knuckles: Tails and his video camera.

[As Amy turns beet red, the knocking continues]

Mario [knocking harder]: Allo? [door falls in; Mario looks at what was holding it to its hinges] Who-a tries to hinge-a the door with-a the duck tape?

Sonic [to Mario]: Look, we honest-to-goodness don't have the time to beat you again. So if you'll please just stand aside, we need to find Tails.

[Sonic, Knuckles, and Amy step outside, where they see "The Ghetto Gang." It consists of Mario, Peach, Wario, Waluigi, and Jimmy (from WarioWare).]

Mario [angry]: Hey, hold-a up just-a the freaking minute! I DEMAND-a the fucking rematch!

Sonic [in Mario's face]: And I'm telling you that I don't-A have-A the-A fucking-A time!!! -A!!!

Jimmy [cool]: Yo, y-yo, that's a flaming burn, Sonic my man!

Sonic: Thanks, disco-guy.

Mario: That's-a it! Jimmy Mario--

Wario: Stop calling him that!!!

Mario [starting to cry, but trying to hide it]: It's just-a until Luigi comes back, from-a being the Space Pirate! [sniffles for a moment, then spazzes out] OH JUST TAKE CARE OF THEM ALREADY!!!

Jimmy [cool]: I'll take care of the foxy lady!

[Jimmy starts walking/dancing towards Amy. She takes a few steps back, then her eyes bug out and...]

Amy [the most blood-curdling scream you can ever imagine]: PERVERT!!!

Jimmy [taken aback]: Ow, o-ow, o-o-ow, that sounded bad...

[Amy then proceeds to can Jimmy with her hammer.]

Jimmy [voice is suddenly very high and feminine]: Owie owie, that hurts! [holding his balls]

Sonic [indifferent]: Are we done here? Have y'all been emasculated enough yet?

Wario: I could take you on, but I agree; time and profit's a-wastin'!

Mario [angry]: Don't-a side with him! Do as-a you-a told!

Wario: You're not-a my mother! Nor my boss! I own-a myself and I kill you! [sits down] I'm not-a moving until I get-a paid.

Mario [to Sonic]: Um, this could take-a the while. Later?

Sonic [indifferent]: Yeah, whatever. Let's go!

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Day 5

11:24 (ICT)

Outside Sakura Kinomoto's House

Touya: Good work, Tails! I'm paying you double for this!

Tails [building Touya a third floor for their house]: No problem, Touya-san!

Touya [to Sakura, who's standing beside him watching]: Squirt, I gotta say that after that egg-shaped man and that Chinese kid, I more or less didn't like the company you brought home.

Sakura [pouting]: What about Tomoyo?

Touya: She's a crazy flaming bitch. ANYWHO, this two-tailed fox kid is just useful to the extreme! He's a godsend! I get my money's worth with him!

Tails [calling down]: I finished the rooms in the third floor and cleaned up the mess!

Touya [proud]: Good work, Tails! You can eat and stay here tonight again! I'll have your money for you tonight! In fact, why don't you just live here? Think about it! You can have Sakura's room!

Sakura: WHAT!? What about me?

Touya: Oh, you can sleep on the floor! [Sakura takes a cold long look at Touya] It's fun.

Tails [to himself from within the new third floor]: This work is great! These projects really challenge me to my full potential! The pay's good, and Touya-san's really nice with the free food and lodgings! I don't think I ever want to leave!

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Day 5

11:31

Within Tails's Super-Secret Base

[The super-secret base is even larger than they all expected. Within were several hangers and research/engineering labs. There was also a SPACEPORT (!?). A corridor led to the base's three-story mall area, with many shops and even a hotel.]

Knuckles [whistling]: Impressive!

Sonic [confused]: Where did Tails find all these people?

Akuma [walks by]: Oh, good, you're here. Now I can pay Tails back.

Sonic [even more confused]: What!? Akuma!?

Akuma [starts explaining as he's holding several shopping bags; his tone is that of one who simply wants to get this over with]: Some time ago, Sonic, when you went on your journey before the whole Chaos incident, Tails partnered with several secret organizations both on Earth and from the vast reaches of space--including setting up a treaty with the Space Pirates--and created this place. It acts as a hub of commerce and research, with mortal enemies crossing paths in peace.

Samus [walks by, accidentally bumps into a Space Pirate]: Pardon me, sir.

Space Pirate [demonic voice; tips his fedora]: THE FAULT WAS MINE, MISS. [walks on]

Akuma: This was his greatest achievement, and he's one of the main owners. Think, Sonic; he's just a child. Where do you think he got all his money? Didn't you ever wonder?

Sonic [overwhelmed]: Why didn't he ever tell us about this place or bring us in?

Akuma: Tails tells me that he DID tell all of you several times, but that none of you cared.

Sonic [suddenly sad]: We never cared for Tails! [cries]

Akuma: Tails scored me with VIP access and asked me that, in return, when you all eventually stumble to this place, I explain all this. Later! [teleports away with the shopping bags in hand]

Amy [matter-of-factly]: Alright you all. We all know that we all wronged Tails somehow. Now where do you think we should all go?

Shadow [appears with Rouge from a Chaos Control]: You're not going anywhere.

Sonic [surprised]: So, Eggman's lackeys have come to finish us off huh?

Knuckles: How'd they know where we were?

Rouge: Well, we assumed this would be the first place you'd go.

Amy: But we didn't know about this place until right now!

Shadow [honestly confuse]: Really? Tails told us ALL about this place several times and--

Knuckles [interrupts]: We get it okay? We're lousy! It's ass-kicking time!

[Sonic, Knuckles, and Amy start fighting with Shadow and Rouge.]

[Three seconds later...]

Shadow [sprawled on the ground]: HOW'D THEY BEAT US SO QUICKLY!?

Sonic: Well, I did kick your ass before and Knuckles and Amy did outnumber Rouge.

Rouge [also on the ground]: Yeah you did...

Shadow [getting up slowly; same with Rouge]: We'll be back. And Eggman won't take this too lightly either. [disappears with Rouge]

Sonic: Yeah right! You go cry to your "Mama Eggs" about how you couldn't handle the three of us!

Amy: Um, they're gone Sonic.

[Sonic runs to a wall and punches it.]

Knuckles: Hmm... I suppose we should start looking ... for the whorehouse.

Amy [both annoyed and confused]: Why would Tails put a whore house in a--

Luigi [walking by with his new shiny Space Pirate Emblem clearly visible]: Third floor. Northwest corner. Tell them-a Research-Raider Cadet #406-a sent you. [walks off]

Knuckles [shedding a tear]: WE NEGLECTED HIM FOR SO LONG!!! I'M SORRY I PUNCHED YOU ON THE BACK OF THE HEAD WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING, TAILS! [cries loudly like a gimp]

Sonic [shocked]: YOU WHAT!?

Amy [annoyed]: Am I the only one here who actually is TRYING to find Tails?

Knuckles [back to normal]: Alright I'm ready, let's go.

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Day 5

11:42

Eggman's Secret Base

[Shadow and Rouge appear.]

Shadow: Hey Eggman, bad news; we-- [Shadow sees a clump of twine on the floor where they tied Eggman up earlier]

Eggman [not visible; just his voice is heard]: You failed? Yes, I know!

Rouge [looking around]: How'd you know?

Eggman: I had a hunch. But I'm afraid that I cannot tolerate failure! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!

[Suddenly trap doors open beneath Shadow and Rouge. They fall in. Several seconds later, Rouge flies out of her trap door, and Shadow just warps out of his.]

Eggman [stepping out of the shadows; has twine marks all over and his suit is ripped in several places]: SHIT!!!

Shadow [noticing the marks and rips]: Eggman, what happened to you?

Eggman: I struggled a bit too much.

Rouge: After you got the gag off, why didn't you just call one of your robots to help you?

Eggman [realizing his error]: SHIT!!! AGAIN!!! But no matter. You two have served your purpose; to capture Tails and engage Sonic and Knuckles.

Shadow [accusing tone]: You USED us, doctor!

Rouge [crosses arms]: Yes, you did! And you didn't even give us your family jewels like you promised!

Eggman [evil gleam]: Oh, I'll show them to you all right! MWAHAHAHA--

[From outside Eggman's base, we can hear Shadow and Rouge screaming]

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COMMERCIAL

Eggman: Howdy, bitches! You've seen those Axe deodorant spray commercials, right? Well, since I like making money, I made my own SUPER deodorant spray, "Eggs." And if you thought Axe got you the ladies, check this out!

[Edge sprays his new bottle of Eggs all about.]

Edge: Akira better want me for this!

[Edge walks outside in his usual outfit and walks to Akira and Daigo's house.]

[Some time later, at Daigo's house...]

Daigo [answers the door]: Yes, who is--WHAT THE!?

Edge [covered in women almost from head to toe]: Boss! Is Akira home? I need to speak to her!

Daigo [crosses his arms]: ... What kind of sick orgy-fest are you trying to involve my little sister in!?

Edge [teary-eyed]: NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! IT'S THE BODY SPRAY! IT'S EGGS!

Daigo: You should eat eggs, Edge, not spray them all over your body. Though I'm impressed you got the attention of these clearly confused young ladies, I'm disappointed. Good day.

Edge [desperate]: NO! IT'S A MISUNDERSTANDING OF THREE'S COMPANY PROPORTIONS!!! [Daigo slams the door]

Tomoyo [hanging off Edge's leg]: Where to now, lover?

Jam [on Edge's back]: Let me cook you some Chinese cuisine!

Chairperson [from Taiyo]: No one respects me at school.

Edge [sighing heavily]: C'mon, you leeches, you can buy me dinner.

Daigo [sitting down, reading a newspaper]: Damn, I should try spreading Eggs all over myself.

Eggman [face is suddenly taking up the whole screen]: Use Eggs! It works!

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

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Day 5

12:24

Within Tails's Super-Secret Base

[Sonic, Knuckles, and Amy arrive at a hanger at the base. They find a tape marked "Put this in the VCR, jackasses."]

Knuckles [looking at the tape]: So what do you suppose we do with this?

[Sonic, annoyed, snatches the tape from Knuckles and puts it in the VCR. He presses play. Tails's face appears on the screen.]

Knuckles [disappointed]: Oh, I thought this was porn! This ain't hot!

[Amy shushes Knuckles.]

Shadow [warps in with Rouge]: Hey guys, what's up?

[Amy shushes Shadow.]

Sonic: We'll discuss why you traitorous bastards are here in a minute. First, tape.

Tails [on-screen]: Hello, my friends. If you're watching this tape, I am either dead, captured, or Knuckles stumbled upon it while looking for my porn stash. Knuckles, please stop reading my porn. This is important.

Knuckles [putting down an issue of JUGGS with Rouge on the cover]: Wow, its like he knows my every move!

Tails: I came to a realization, shortly after the Cronies were founded, that I was its most important member. I'm fast, I can fight, swim, fly, build machines, and, all-in-all, I keep all of you together.

Sonic [teary-eyed]: I'M A HORRIBLE FATHER!

Tails: Sonic, you mean brother, not father. Please stop crying.

Knuckles: Creepy...

Tails: So anywho, I'm probably either dead or Eggman's captive, and Eggman has probably betrayed us, which doesn't surprise me, to take over Earth yet again. To combat his undoubtedly powerful yet horribly weak machines, I have created a fighter based off my favorite shooting game. Now, whoever's closest to the door, please press the button on the right. It is CLEARLY LABELED as "THIS BUTTON, RETARDS." Knuckles, stop reading my porn! I'm serious!

Knuckles [putting down an issue of BUSH with Amy on the cover]: That is just TOO weird! [pushes the button]

[A huge section of the floor slides away to reveal a rather impressive white and black craft.]

Tails: This is my greatest weapon. The IKARUGA. No, Shadow, we aren't calling it the "Cronuga"--

Shadow [disappointed]: Oooh...

Tails: --And no, Sonic, we are not calling it the "Ikaroni."

[Sonic runs to a wall and punches it.]

Tails: I only made one of these, so choose the pilot wisely; IT ONLY SEATS ONE. DON'T paint it; it NEEDS to be white and black! Play Ikaruga to find out Knuckles, I'm going to kill you!

Knuckles [reading an issue of SNOWBALL with Amy and Rouge on the cover]: Oh, fuck you Tails, you're a pre-recorded image!

[Suddenly, a tiny laser is emitted from the magazine to Knuckles head. Knuckles's eyes roll back and he falls to the floor, convulsing.]

Shadow [impressed]: Cool! I want one of those!

Amy: So who's going to pilot this thing? I think it should be Tails's best friend!

Sonic: Fuck no! If *I* die, we'll all lose morale! And why are you here, Shadow?

Shadow: Oh, right. We betrayed you, but now we want to come back--

Sonic [eyes narrow]: Eggman showed you his cack and testies, didn't he?

[Shadow and Rouge, with watery eyes, simply nod before hugging Sonic and crying on him.]

Sonic [patting their heads]: Why do they always cry on me?

Knuckles [evil]: *I* think the person who should go is Amy! Check out these Ikaruga scores!

[Knuckles shows the Ikaruga screen that he turned on. The scores are as follows:]

01 - MTP

02 - AMY

03 - MTP

04 - MTP

05 - MTP

06 - MTP

07 - MTP

08 - KTE

09 - EGG

10 - CMA

Sonic [whistling]: Wow, that's impressive, Amy!

Amy [panic]: No, waitaminute!--

Knuckles [still evil]: C'mon, Amy! Good effort deserves a chance to save the world! Besides, Tails loves you! You should return the favor! [he grabs Amy]

Amy [struggling]: Knuckles, I'm sorry, please don't--

Knuckles [REALLY evil; shoves into the cockpit and closes it]: You'll pay for your deeds, Amy! MWAHAHAHAHA!!! [hits the LAUNCH button]

[Amy's nails scratching at the cockpit window are drowned out by the planes sleek engines. A door revealing blue sky opens, and the Ikaruga is launched.]

Rouge [suspicious]: Knuckles, explain what just happened.

Knuckles [still evil]: Gladly.

[ +++ FLASHBACK, BUT THIS ONE'S ACCURATE +++ ]

Knuckles [playing Ikaruga in Tails's room]: YES! One-lifed the game, AND beat Tails's second best high score! Now to enter my initials--uh oh, gotta use the can!

[Knuckles runs off quickly to use the can, because there's a time limit to enter the initials. Amy, curious, enters the room and sees time running out. She decides to enter her name.]

Knuckles [re-enters, sees Amy]: Ah, much better-- [tone changes to something sinister] Amy, what are you doing with the controller?

Amy: Oh, I put my name in place of yours because you're stupid! Isn't it funny?

Knuckles [his eyes change to something... not human]: Amy. I. Will. Mace. YOU. GOOD!!! [pulls a morning star out of nowhere and starts swinging it]

Amy [frightened for her life]: C'mon, Knuckles, IT'S JUST A GAME!!!

Knuckles [as he tears apart Tails's house]: JUST A GAME!? I ONE-LIFED IT!!! I'LL NEVER PLAY THAT WELL AGAIN! I GOT LIKE A HUNDRED-SOMETHING CHAIN IN ALL THE LEVELS!!! I BEAT THAT STUPID WHEEL-THING WITHOUT DYING!!! BUT YOU'LL DIE, YOU DUMB BITCH!!!

[ +++ END FLASHBACK +++ ]

Rouge: I remember that. Tails didn't like the holes at all.

Sonic [rage]: You. DIPSHIT! We needed your skills! By needlessly destroying the Ikaruga--which you have DONE, make no mistake--you have doomed the world, and Amy, and especially TAILS!!!

Knuckles [no longer evil]: I don't follow you.

[Sonic starts strangling Knuckles.]

Shadow [whips Sonic off of Knuckles]: No, Sonic! Your hands are too frail! [Shadow starts strangling Knuckles in Sonic's place]

Amy's voice [coming through a radio]: Guys! Guys! Can you hear me? Check your monitors! It's... ENORMOUS!!!

Knuckles [over the radio]: Oh, by the way, Amy, we're even!

Amy: I sort of figured when I was shoved in the plane you jerk.

Sonic [looking at a monitor]: Oh my god, it's HUGE!

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Day 5

12:50

The Skies Near the Mystic Ruins

[Eggman's laughter is heard as a giant Eggman-face, half-black and half-white, eclipses the Mystic Ruins. A massive armada of black and white ships escorts it. The fleet rivals the Egg Fleet from Sonic Heroes.]

Amy [inside the Ikaruga]: Shit.

Knuckles [over the radio]: Oh my god, I'm being struck by karma! I forced Amy into a life-threatening situation where she'll be killed!

Amy [angry]: Thanks for the vote of confidence, Knuckles!

Knuckles: No problem, babe. Oh, don't forget; all of Eggman's ships will take multiple hits to kill, but if you're tagged even once, you're dead!

[Amy hears Rouge fighting to rip the radio away from Knuckles]

Rouge [over the radio]: You aren't talking on this anymore, your red sack of shit! Amy, keep calm, and remember: watch and weave!

Amy [sighing heavily]: I hate my life. [takes off towards the fleet]

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COMMERCIAL

Eggman [in a detective outfit... with no shirt]: Greetings, good people. I am Dr. Ivo Robotnik. If you watch the news, you'll see my new fleet is preparing to enslave you all. However, ponder this: for years, innocent victims have been falling into those strange dimensional "Nestea Pools" that appear when a particularly thirsty individual drinks Nestea ice tea while thirsty. Some of these people... are never heard from again. Let's watch.

[Gedo High, in Japan. A parched Edge drinks some Nestea and falls back into the pool that appears.]

Edge [thirst quenched]: Aaaaaaaaaaaahh... [splashes]

[Elsewhere, a shapely naked Akira is taking a bath. Who should splash up through the water but...]

Edge [all wet, still clothed]: Ah, that was refreshing! [Edge sees what, to him, is both the most beautiful and most frightening sight of his life: naked, startled, wet Akira] Akira, I swear, I was just having [holds up his Nestea bottle] a Nestea bottle-- [he drops it into the bath near Akira and struggles to find it, grazing several parts of Akira's body in the process]

[Akira's face takes on that "I'm about to scream in terror" look.]

Edge [desperate panic]: No Akira I was just having a drink OH GOD PLEASE DON'T SCREAM!!!---

[Akira screams. Who should barge in but the ever-loving, ever-watchful big brother...]

Daigo [concerned; barges in with some egg on his chest]: I thought I heard something-- [sees the situation] Oh. My. God. So your little orgy-fest wasn't enough, eh?

Edge [crying]: BOSS I SWEAR I DIDN'T WANT THIS!!! [sees Akira] I MEAN, I DO WANT THIS, BUT NOT IN THIS SITUA-- OH MY GOD I'M DEAD AREN'T I?

Daigo [clenches fist]: Oh, yeah.

Akira [covering her breasts with her arms]: BOTH OF YOU GET OUT!!!

Eggman [shaking his head]: That poor soul. But what about this innocent victim, who has never harmed a soul in his life?

[Somewhere in Thailand, a beat-up Ryu, Ken, Guile, and Chun-Li are beaten and bleeding. Their opponent, a powered-up M. Bison, laughs.]

Bison [maniacal laughter]: Wuhahaha, I have beaten the Street Fighters! The world will be mine! But first, I'm a little thirsty! [chugs some Nestea and falls back into the pool it creates, and starts... burning and melting?] UWWWWAAAAAAHHH!!! THE PSYCHO-POWER IS WEAK AGAINST WATER? HOW STUPID IS THAAAAAAAAAAAA-- [dies; disappears from existence along with the pool]

Ken [gets up, dusts himself]: Wow that was unexpected.

Guile [Russian accent]: In Ame-ree-ca, Nestea kills dictators!

Eggman: Guile's Russian? Oh, well. Anywho, laters! [pulls out some Nestea, takes a swig, and falls back into the pool.]

[Meanwhile, on the world of Symphonia (after Sylvarant and Tethe'alla are rejoined), Lloyd and company has just found another sealed unicorn.]

Lloyd: We should get Sheena to use Undine again!

Sheena [determined]: You got it! I call upon the Maiden of Water--

Genis: Hey, do you all hear something?

Eggman's voice: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH-- [Eggman crashes into the lake, killing the unicorn on impact]

Colette [mortified]: NOT THE HORSYYYYYYYY!!!

Zelos [sarcastic]: Wow, Undine really let herself go!

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

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To be continued... in EGGMAN ADVENTURES 7!!!

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THE END... for now... again... one more time... BEHOLD, IT IS NOT THE END... oh, wait, it is... psyche!... WE PLAY "PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE PEPPERONI ON THEIR PIZZA" IN DEFENSE MODE!... laughs are hard... our readers were seriously wounded, but the soul still burns... Rah-Rah-Rasputin...