Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ CRONIES ❯ Horrid! Eggman's Expected Betrayal! ( Chapter 11 )

CRONIES   A triple team production by:   THE TRIPLE PEEPS Apollo Alexandre, a.k.a. "Grand Master Shoma" (GMS) Neusa Gaspar, a.k.a. "Judge Neusy" Carlos Alexandre, a.k.a. "CMA" (CMA)   http://www.triplepeeps.com/   Judge Neusy:  DISCLAIMER:  Any characters mentioned in this story that are not the distinctive likenesses of anyone else--including, but not limited to, Sega, Sonic Team, Nintendo, Koshi Rikdo, Sammy, Arc System Works, etc.--were created by us, and may not be used without our permission.  All characters and distinctive likenesses not created by us are the property of their respective owners. ________   CMA:  Originally released on 4/18/2004!  READ, DAMMIT!!!   ______________________________________________   [Son ic and pals are outside Tails's house, about to test their latest invention that they invented... without Tails.  Hilarity ensues.]   Knuckles:  Sonic, what were you watching?   Sonic:  I'm not sure.  Something about the chosen of Earth...   Shadow:  Okay, guys, let's all just shut up for a second and marvel at our latest invention!  Behold... [he pulls a towel off of some monstrosity of a device]  ... the CRO-TAPULT!!!   Amy [disgusted]:  Eww...   Knuckles [shakes his head]:  Disgusting.   Rouge:  And we came up with this, because...   Shadow [all proud]:  We have to save Tails!   Rouge:  Why are you all proud of it?  We contributed equally to the shitty!   Shadow:  Of course I'm proud!  We built this by ourselves, without Tails!   Sonic:  Okay shut up about that already, Shadow.   Tails [landing before them]:  Wow, what the HELL is that thing!?   Shadow:  Well I'm glad you asked, Tails!  This is the Cro-tapult!   Tails:  Do I want to ask what it does?   Shadow:  Yes, because I'm going to tell you anyway!  You see, this device fires this giant fully moveable hand!  It ignores distance, flying, with it's super-long adamantium cord--   Tails:  Where'd you get that kind of cord--   Shadow [interrupting]:  Don't ask questions, Tails.  Anywho, it flies over its target, grabs them, groping them magnificently, and reels them back to us!   Yamazaki [yes, from Sakura's class]:  I'm an example!   Tails [surprised]:  You took Yamazaki?   Shadow:  Well...   [YET ANOTHER RETARDED FLASHBACK]   [Japan, outside Tomoeda Elementary]   Captain Falcon [blows on his whistle]:  Alright, children, let's be careful on those hurdles!   Black Shadow [in disguise as a kid, wearing a giant T-shirt and a cap OVERTOP his outfit]:  I'll go first, "teach," and show you the pinnacle of youth!   Captain Falcon:  Go ahead, Timmy Shadow!   [Black Shadow performs the hurdles flawlessly, but then makes a crucial error... as his groin meets with the bar of a hurdle he just couldn't clear.]   Black Shadow [on the ground, holding his crotch]:  OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH!!!  AAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWW SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!   Lloyd [laughing his head off]:  HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! [falls on the floor, rolling]  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  SCHOOL HERE IS AWESOME!!!   Genis [not impressed]:  Lloyd, that's enough!   Black Shadow [really pissed off]:  CURSE YOU, HURDLES!!!  YOU HAVE FOILED ME ONCE AGAIN--   [Black Shadow is cut off as the Cro-tapult's massive hand grabs him, then yanks him away into the horizon.]   Shaoron:  Well THAT was unexpected.   [As the hand pulls Black Shadow over the ocean, a whale (yes, a whale) jumps up out of the water (yes, a whale), knocks the hand open and eats Black Shadow (yes, a whale).]   [END YET ANOTHER RETARDED FLASHBACK]   Shadow [still explaining]:  The first attempt came up empty.  But the second bore fruit!   [YET ANOTHER RETARDED FLASHBACK, SECOND IMPACT]   [Outside Tomoeda Elementary.  Yamazaki is talking to the girl that secretly likes him, Chiharu.]   Yamazaki [sounding smarter than he really is, as always]:  Did you know that eggs, turtles, and leaders of ideological organizations--   [The hand grabs him and yanks away]   Chiharu [pouting]:  No!  He was almost done!  Then I'd have had him!   Shaoron [sees it again]:  Okay, now this is scaring me.   [END YET ANOTHER YADDA YADDA YADDA]   Shadow [all proud again]:  But don't worry, Tails!  This time, we're confident we'll save Tails!   Tails [sighs]:  ... Shadow, look at me when you say that.   Shadow:  Sure thing, Tails.  This time, we're— [pause]  ... OOOOOOOOHHH!!!  WHY DID YOU COME BACK!!?  WE WERE SUPPOSED TO SAVE YOU!!!   Sonic [realization]:  OH MY GOD TAILS!!! [hugs him]  I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!!!   Knuckles [hiding emotion]:  So Tails, how was your vacation?   Tails:  1.  Knuckles, don't hide it.   Knuckles [bawling]:  OH THANK GOD I NEED YOUR FOOD AND BOOBY BAR!!!   Tails:  2.  Sonic, let go of me!   Sonic [backs off]:  Sorry.   Tails:  3.  Shadow, the Cro-tapult is uglier than sin.  However, I am impressed it found its way all the way to Japan not once but twice!  But I'm kind of disgusted that I'm impressed.   Shadow [disappointed]:  Stupid Tails!  I wanted to save you!  [kicks the Cro-tapult, which fires again]   Rouge:  Hmm... I wonder who we'll meet next...   ______________________________________________   [Japan .  Edge and Daigo are on the run from Sailor Mercury and her army still.  Read Eggman Adventures to find out why.]   Edge [cornered]:  There's no way out, boss!  THERE'S NO WAY OUT!!!   Daigo [calm]:  Edge, stop freaking out.  We have to fight.   Edge [pulling out multiple knives]:  Oh, I never got to tell Akira how I really felt about her!  [whips the knives at the solders, taking out a couple of them]   Daigo:  Well done, Edge!  You just have to do that two hundred and fifty more tim-- [deadly serious, looks at Edge]  What did you say, Edge?   Edge:  IT'S TRUE, OKAY?  I'M IN LOVE WITH YOUR SISTER!!!   Daigo:  Wait, so, you're not gay!?   Edge [anime waterfall tears]:  Oh, boss, you don't listen to anything I say!  I told you, I'm not gay!  It was just a misunderstanding of Three's Company Proportions, okay?   Daigo [chuckling, not paying attention to what Edge said]:  Hey, you rhymed!   Edge [freaking out]:  YOU'RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION!!!   Sailor Mercury [preparing her attack]:  Enough of this!  MERCURY BUBBLE... BLAST!!! [Sailor Mercury fires her shitty little soap bubbles at Edge and Daigo.]   Daigo [panicking prematurely]:  It's acidic!  WE'RE GOING DOWN LIKE REAL MEN!!!   Edge [some of the bubbles hitting his hair]:  Actually, no, it's just soap!  Oh, it's making my hair fall!  Do you realize how long it takes to style?   Daigo [the bubbles hitting and staining his outfit]:  Aw no!  This is a custom-made uniform!  Dry-clean only!  It's RUINED!!!  YOU BITCH!!!   Sailor Mercury [preparing a slightly more deadly attack]:  MERCURY--   [Interrupted as the Cro-tapult's hand grabs her and carries her off.]   One of the Soldiers [dropping his weapon]:  Without our leader we are nothing.  [The soldiers turn and walk away in shame]   Daigo:  NO, WAIT!!!  If you need a leader... follow ME!!!   Another Soldier:  Hey, you're right!  ... We DON'T need a leader!  We can STILL carry on the mission!   Edge [narrows eyes]:  Good one, boss.   Daigo:  Let's resume running while they're disorganized.  [low tone]  We'll talk about my sister later.   ______________________________________________   INTRO THEME SONG             by the Cronies (based on S Club 7's S Club Party)   Cronies! (there ain't no party like a Cronies party)
Gonna take you down (everybody get down tonight)
Cronies! (there ain't no party like a Cronies party)
Three point one four is pi (two pi R finds circumference yo!)

Finally crime-fightin' night
Feelin' kinda good, lookin' alright
Gotta get movin', can't be late
Gonna save the world, we just can't wait (ho!)
Get the feeling (get the feeling)
Beat the people (beat them all up)
Eggman hater (Eggman hater)
Get ready everybody 'cos here we go!

Cronies (there ain't no party like a Cronies party)
Gonna take you down (everybody get down tonight)
Cronies (there ain't no party like a Cronies party)
Three point one four is pi (two pi R finds circumference yo!)

O-oh O-oh! Throw your hands in the air
O-oh O-oh! Like you just don't care
O-oh O-oh! Cronies party over here
O-oh O-oh! Cronies party over there

Tails's doing his dance
Amy's looking for romance
Rouge's getting down on the floor
While Knuckles treats her like a whore (ooh hoo!)
Wanna see Sonic swing
Wanna see Shadow do his thing
Then we got Eggman who will conquer, All of the entire world!

Cronies! (there ain't no party like a Cronies party)
Gonna take you down (everybody get down tonight)
Cronies! (there ain't no party like a Cronies party)
Three point one four is pi (two pi R finds circumference yo!)

O-oh O-oh! Wave your hands in the air
O-oh O-oh! Like you just don't care
O-oh O-oh! Cronies party over here
O-oh O-oh! Cronies party over there
O-oh O-oh! Gonna conquer the world!
O-oh O-oh! Yeah every boy and girl!
O-oh O-oh! Yeah my plans will be unfurled!
O-oh O-oh! Gotta conquer all the worlds!

 (Crony girls) Crony boys, make some noise!
 (Crony boys) Hey there ladies! Show them titties!

Cronies! (there ain't no party like a Cronies party)
Gonna take you down (everybody get down tonight)

[Each Crony member jumps in the air Matrix style and using a Chaos Emerald, they each write out the first letter of their name.  (if you saw the actual S Club 7 video, you would understand what we mean)  As they go, they unknowingly spell out "STREAKS" and are confused as the song continues]
Cronies! (there ain't no party like a Cronies party)
Gonna take you down (everybody get down tonight)
Cronies! (there ain't no party like a Cronies party)
Three point one four is pi (two pi R finds circumference yo!)
 [Repeat to fade]   (Instrumental)   ________________________________________ ______     C ٠R ٠O ٠N ٠I ٠E ٠S   _____________________________________________ _   COMMERCIAL   [Once again, Tuxedo Mask is hosting a commercial.]   Tuxedo Mask [trying to sound all regal-like, has a crown on his top hat, making him look RETARDED]:  My soon-to-be loyal subjects, your new rulers have something to say!  We of the Moon Kingdom are having a special "join us" promo.  Each of you who willingly submits to the Moon Kingdom will be sent... forty dollars!  And--   [Suddenly, a signal cuts into the commercial, overriding it with none other than...]   Eggman [speaking quickly]:  Greetings good people, I don't have much time.  Don't you hate it when you have wet dreams every night, ruining your perfectly good sheets?   Bowser:  I can relate--   Il Palazzo [angry]:  No, Eggman, don't hawk your cheesy wares now!  You have to tell the people not to join--   [Static, and Tuxedo Mask comes back on.]   Tuxedo Mask [still talking]:  --fucking her royally in her room, when she was still only fifteen!  It was good, drilling an underage girl!  But then, Serena's father walked in, threw me out of the house like Jazz from the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air!  Except he followed it up with several shotgun shots!  [he pulls up his outfit, revealing his bare back]  That's where I got these wounds from!--   [More static, and it's Eggman]   Eggman [still going]:  --thinking to yourself "she's so fucking HOT," you CAN'T go to bed and NOT, you know, mess things up!  So I invented these things [pulls up some very thong-like underwear with an Eggman insignia] that I call the Eggman Wet Dream Protectors!   Il Palazzo [panic]:  No, Eggman, we don't have much time!  Tell the people about GOD!   Eggman:  Oh, yeah!  Don't worry, people, GOD will save you from the unholy tyranny of the Moon Kingdom.  ... Buy my Wet Dream Protectors--   [Some more static, and then Tuxedo Mask is back.]   Tuxedo Mask [fiddling with some buttons]:  There, that should fix it.  Anywho, now that that's over:  thanks to the Moon Kingdom's minimum marrying age of 12, she became my underage fuck-buddy wife.  And that's why you all don't have anything to worry about!  Remember, forty dollars!   Announcer [catchy jingle]:  ♪♫Pledge allegiance to--[static, then Tuxedo Mask's voice] The Moon Kingdom   ______________________________________________   Sonic [he just saw the previous commercial]:  ... What the hell was that!?   Knuckles [duped by the commercial]:  Wow, God himself is gonna help us?  Man, that dude can do like, 100+ hit air combos!  And he always has an infinite super bar!   Shadow:  Not to mention his divine miracles special moves!   Rouge [quiet for a moment then]:  ... You're both retarded.   Sonic:  Actually Rouge, lately the news has been talking about God.  Take a look.   [Sonic puts up the volume and changes the channel]   Female News reporter:  Earlier today, an omnipotent being who calls himself, "The Lord God" saved people from a collapsing building.  Here now, we have footage of God and his magnificent voice.    [Footage of the scene is shown.]   A mysterious voice, sounding non-mysteriously like Eggman:  I am GOD!  I have come to save you!  Enter through my fingers, and follow the path of GOD!  You will exit through my heels!  My body is yours, my children.  Hail GOD!   Sonic:  See?  God.   Tails [not impressed]:  You guys, you can clearly hear that that voice is Eggman's.  Also, you can clearly see that "God" is a mecha.   Knuckles: God's a mecha!?   Tails:  No, Knuckles, that's the point!  It's probably just one of Eggman's robots called, oh I don't know, "Giga Omelet Dish" or something equally stupid.   Shadow:  That may be true, but we can't be certain that the thing IS the Lord God!    Amy:  IT'S A GIANT ROBOT!   Sonic [spooked a bit]:  Gah! Amy, you're still here?  Thought you died or something.   Knuckles [still trying to figure it out]:  Maybe... God is about the size of a normal person, and he just likes to get around in one helluva divine mecha--   Rouge [pissed off]:  Excuse me?  What makes you think that God is a man?   Amy [trying to prevent what we know will be a heated debate that ends in NOTHING]:  No you guys!  Please don't start theological arguments--oh this always ends in ass...   Knuckles:  First of all, if God WAS a woman, we would be calling him GODDESS!   Rouge:  You know, actresses aren't called actresses anymore.  They're called ACTORS idiot.   Knuckles:  Oh fuck Rouge, next you're gonna be telling me that Adam was the evil one instead of Eve!   Rouge:  No, I would say that Adam was stupid enough not to think for himself! If Eve told him something, he doesn't have to do what she tells him.   Knuckles:  So basically you're telling me that I don't have to listen to whatever shit you tell me!  Therefore I win.  Score one for me!   Rouge:  Knuckles, firstly we were talking about why God is a woman and secondly, females from any species make their children.  So if God made Adam, then she clearly is a woman for making her "children".   Knuckles:  Although I will admit that God made Adam from dirt and breath of life, he did take one of Adam's ribs and made a woman!  So you bitches are indebted to the man!    Sonic:  Wow, Knuckles actually made valid points and won an argument!   [Rouge then kicks Knuckles in the balls.]   Shadow:  Aw come on Rouge.  Just take one loss.   Rouge [sly voice]:  Oh I don't care about that.  That was for the "indebted" remark.  I was just giving him his interest.   Tails [his Crony-phone rings]:  Well this is new... this isn't any of you is it?   Shadow:  Phones? ... Oh crap, I've been using my new one as a doorstop!   Knuckles [opens his flip phone]:  And I've been using mine as a boomerang!  Watch! [Throws his Crony-phone into the distance; it doesn't return] ... It'll come back when we need it!   Tails [sighs]:  And I came back because...  [answers phone]  Hello?  ... Eggman??  Why are you calling me!?   Eggman [over the phone]:  I have a reason to.  Why else would I call you?   Tails [angry]:  You're the one who kidnapped me and stuffed me in a burlap sack!  Not to mention punching me while I was still tied up in the sack!   Sonic [listening]:  He did what now!?   Eggman:  Oh fuck Tails, that was a few days ago!  Just let it go already!  Anywho,  as you all know, the Moon Kingdom has started attacking and wants to be all time ruler of Earth.  They clearly aren't alone cause fuck, they aren't that damn good to do it on their own!   Tails:  And you want us to be a part of your temporary alliance right?   Eggman:  You got it.  And if we succeed then you can punch me in the balls--   Tails: Alright sounds good!   Eggman:  No I meant--[Tails hangs up]   Tails:  Well fellow Cronies, looks like we're gonna help Eggman with this one again.   Knuckles [points]:  Hey guys look, the crane finally came back!  Hmm... looks like it didn't have enough power this time around so it went under water for a bit.   Sailor Mercury [gagging]:  YOU ALMOST KILLED ME!!!   Shadow [grabbing a hunk of wood with a nail in it]:  OH NO IT'S A SAILOR SCOUT!  KILL HER!  BREAK HER LEGS!   Sonic [voice of reason, holding blood-crazed Shadow back]:  No, Shadow, will you calm down?  We need her alive to extract information!   Sailor Mercury [sounding unusually non-ladylike]:  You will only extract death from me, you pigs!   Knuckles [clenching fists]:  You heard the lady!   Shadow:  THANK you!  We're on the same page for once, Knuckles!   Sonic:  NO!  Think clearly, you fucks!  We need information to win this fight!  [to Sailor Mercury]  Now lady, we don't want to hurt you.  Believe me, we're lazy, lazy people who really just want this all to be over.  And we get... agitated when forced to do anything resembling work.  Now, just tell us what we need to know, and we'll let you go, okay?   Sailor Mercury [spits]:  I spit at your question!   Rouge [evil]:  Lady, if you don't tell us, I'm going to dangle you naked over some angry perverts.   Sailor Mercury [flashes back in her mind to when Tuxedo Mask and some pals forced her to dance naked for them (wow, that Tuxedo Mask is a really swell guy, huh? -- CMA)]:  OKAY!  OKAY!  I'LL TALK!  I'LL TELL YOU EVERYTHING I KNOW!   Rouge [disappointed]:  Aw, I never get to carry out my torture schemes.   Knuckles [trying to be sweet]:  I'll be an angry pervert if you dangle yourself naked, Rouge!   [Rouge replies by kicking Knuckles in the face in slow motion.]   ______________________________________________   [The past, with Sailor Mercury explaining]   Sailor Mercury [explaining]:  We had suffered Eggman's rule for too long.  He had taken over the Moon Kingdom during Tuxedo Mask's and Sailor Moon's wedding.   Tuxedo Mask [looking at his best men]:  Hey, now that I think about it, those aren't my best men!  Where are they?   Mysterious egg-shaped priest:  They are dead, my son.   Sailor Moon:  Dead?  Who are you!?   Mysterious egg-shaped priest:  My dear, my dear, I only have one thing to say.  Let's get ready TO GOSPEL!!!   [Eggman loses the robes, revealing himself to be armed to the fucking teeth.  Literally; he's holding a combat knife in his teeth, and has guns and grenades and various heavy ordnance everywhere on his person.]   Sailor Moon:  What is the meaning of this!?   Best Man #1 [sounding robotic]:  ALL HAIL LORD EGGMAN! [An E-series robot breaks out of the best man garb]   Best Man #2 [ditto]:  EGGMAN HAIL LORD ALL!   Eggman:  Hmm I got to get that one fixed.   First Bride's Maid [sounding very female]:  I'm afraid your little kingdom is doomed! [pulls off the dress anime-style to reveal... Il Palazzo, sounding more like his normal self now] You horrid Moonies will pay for merely being alive!   Second Bride's Maid [sounding even more girly]:  We will leave nothing but ruins!  [bursts out of the ensemble, revealing itself to be... Bowser, again sounding like normal] Man it's hot in that thing!  Did it make me look fat?   Eggman:  SHUT UP, YOU GUYS, IT'S TIME TO CONQUER!   Sailor Mercury:  After the battle, everyone in the chapel was found dead except the Sailor Scouts and Tuxedo Mask.   Tails:  Wait a minute, wait a minute, hold up.  Wouldn't she have the Sailor Scouts as her bride's maids?   Sailor Mercury:  Eggman's forces tied us up in the closet.   Tails:  All eleven of you?   [Sailor Mercury nods shamefully]   Sailor Mercury:  We did break free and tried to fight back, but his forces were carpet-bombing the whole kingdom.  Eggman even killed Sailor Moon's true mother, Queen Serenity.   Queen Serenity [holding a katana (?)]:  You're late, Eggman!  [she unsheathes her blade and throws away the sheathe]   Eggman [preachy, holding a katana and a boat oar]:  Those who throw away their sheathes are lost.   [The two engage in an epic duel]   Sonic:  Whoa, waitaminute!  How did you know that was happening?   Sailor Mercury:  I was watching...   Knuckles:  Oh fuck this shit I'm going to go play Brave Fencer Musashi.   [Swords clash valiantly against each other as the benevolent queen of the Moon Kingdom and the crazed egg-shaped scientist battle.  Eventually, Eggman finds an opening, and hits Serenity in the side of the head with the boat oar.]   Queen Serenity [angry]:  Ouch!  You got splinters on me!  Now I'll KILL YOU!   [She dashes at her adversary, but trips.]   Queen Serenity [girly]:  Whoopsies!   [Unfortunately, she lands on her sword, killing herself.]   Eggman [looking shocked]:  OH SHIT!  I DIDN'T SEE NUTHIN'!   Il Palazzo [meeting up with Eggman]:  We're at war, Eggman, we don't have to hide everything.   Sailor Mercury:  Afterwards, Eggman's occupational force moved in.  Some thought he would rule fairly, but then...   Eggman [at a podium, wearing a fucking cape, looking and sounding absolutely sinister]:  You Moonie bastards are in for it now.  I will rule all worlds I conquer fairly... EXCEPT FOR THIS DUMP!  And befitting of a dump, all of Earth's trash will be dumped in this shit hole.  [laughs, starting softly, then getting crazier and louder]  hahahahahahahahahahahaha... HaHaHa... MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! [at this point it's downright DC Comics Joker scary]   Tails [wide-eyed]:  Oh.  My.  God.   Shadow [amazed]:  Huh... so that's how Eggman solved the Earth's garbage problem.  I was wondering about that.  "How did he do it?" I asked myself.   Sailor Mercury:  Weakened and having no alternative, we were forced to follow Eggman's rule.  Until, one day...   [Moon Kingdom.  The Moon.  Eggman's robot police keep the general populace in line.  Until...]   Faint, Distant, Mario-sounding Scream/Cry:  MOTHERFUCKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR!!!   [Children run to their mothers' arms, terrified.  Several of Eggman's robots explode.]   Sailor Moon:  Now's our chance!  [Screams]  ATTACK EGGMAN'S OCCUPATIONAL FORCE!!!   Occupational Force Robot [robotic tone]:  Stop the rebel forces! Stop the--[explodes in a blazing fireball]   Sailor Mercury:  With our numbers, our renewed resolve, and the mysterious Italian cry, we had finally liberated our Kingdom from the clutches of the villainous Eggman.   Sonic [putting two and two together]:  Italian cry... oh, way to doom us, Mario!   Tails:  So why did you all only overthrow Eggman's occupational force then?  Surely a mere one groin-grabbing Italian couldn't have provided enough distraction!   Sailor Mercury:  Most astute, young fox-thing.  You see, we were assisted greatly by the Triad of Evil.   Sonic:  Huh?  Aren't they, like, the bad guys?   Sailor Mercury:  The name is odd, true, but they provided us food, money, medicine, and most importantly troops, Nickelback, and weapons to win our freedom.   Sonic:  Nickelback?   Knuckles [punches the ground]:  I KNEW Nickelback was evil!  I told you guys!  I told you guys they were evil!   Shadow [shakes head]:  It's true, he actually said that.   ______________________________________________   Soni c:  You know what?  This is all Eggman's fault!  Sure, we can't very well let you skanks take over Earth, but just beating you doesn't solve shit!  Eggman will just oppress you again!   Sailor Mercury:  What are you proposing?   Sonic [confident]:  Simple.  We beat the shit out of Eggman, make him admit what he did, patch things up between Earth and the Moon, and toss Eggman's fat ass in jail!   Knuckles [evil smile]:  I like that plan.   Tails [evil tone]:  Me too.   Shadow:  Alright, it's agreed.  It's just too bad we ended up with the shittiest Sailor Scout on our side.   Sailor Mercury:  HEY!   Sonic [trying to defend her]:  Now c'mon, that's harsh!  Tell me, girl, what CAN you do?   Sailor Mercury [proud]:  We'll, I'm a computer expert and renowned hacker--
Shadow [interrupting]:  Tails and Rouge.   Sailor Mercury:  Okay, then, my water manipulation--   Shadow [acting like a jerk]:  Tails can just whip us up a high-pressure water hose.   Sailor Mercury [desperate]:  Um, er, I can invent--   Shadow:  Tails.  See?  She's worthless.  Let's kill her.   Sonic:  Now let's be easy on her, Shadow.  We can never have enough computer experts.  Now put down the gun.   Shadow [holding his newfangled handgun from his yet-to-be released game to Sailor Mercury's head with a crazed look in his eye]:  ... Fine.  [puts it away]   Sonic [about to untie her]:  We have your word you'll work with us, right?   Sailor Mercury:  Yes.   Sonic:  Good.  Now let's go kill Eggman!   Mysterious Eggman-sounding voice [sounds like it's playing through a megaphone, but the fat one is nowhere to be found; he sounds positively evil]:  It's really a shame you guys had to hear her story.  I really liked you guys.  I really did.   Sailor Mercury [now untied]:  EGGMAN!  I've waited for this day!   [Suddenly, the Grand Omelet Deluxe (GOD) appears, stepping on... Tails's house.]   Tails [pissed off]:  OH C'MON!!!   Il Palazzo [from within GOD]:  It's too bad you're taking her side, Cronies.   Bowser [from within GOD]:  Looks like Earth's fate rests in our hands!   Eggman [from within GOD]:  NOW YOU MUST FEEL... THE WRATH OF GOD!!!   ______________________________________________   COMMERCIAL   Tuxedo Mask:  Okay, so it still seems as if despite the promises of free money, Earth still resists us!  Not a problem!  Tell you what, I'm a reasonable guy.  If you join us willingly, I will personally send an underage prostitute--male or female, your choice--to pleasure you in taboo ways that no one but I and a few select others--   [Static cuts in again, and we hear Eggman's voice again]   Eggman's voice [from GOD, still facing off with the Cronies]:  Greetings, my children!  This is GOD!  I bring you horrifying news!  The Cronies, led by the nefarious Sonic the Hedgehog, have sided with the Moonies!   Sonic [angry]:  YOU SACK OF FLAMING SHIT, EGGMAN!  TELL THEM THE TRUTH!!!   Eggman's voice:  NEVER!  GOD'S WILL IS ABSOLUTE!   Il Palazzo's voice:  You're getting way too into this, Eggman!   Eggman's voice:  My children, the will of your lord GOD is the will to kill the Cronies!  DO SO!  DESTROY THEM!!!  MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!   Sonic:  Okay, this is low Eggman!  WE'RE TAKING YOU DOWN OLD SCHOOL!   Eggman's voice:  OH, YEAH, JUST FUCKING TRY--   [Static again, and Tuxedo Mask is back]   Tuxedo Mask:  --you're wearing a big enough trench coat, just hold the kid upside-down and they can pleasure you in public unknown to anyone but yourself!   Bob [still imprisoned]:  Ach, disgusting!  Not even the boss was this bad!   Announcer [catchy jingle]:  ♪♫Pledge allegiance to--[static, then Tuxedo Mask's voice] The Moon Kingdom   ______________________________________________   Sonic:   We don't have time for this!  We have to work fast, now that Eggman's turned the fucking world against us!   Tails [to Sonic]:  What's with all the swearing lately?   Knuckles [stepping up "dramatically"]:  Sonic, I know you want to tear Eggman a new one, but leave him to me.  You guys get going.  I'll buy you the time you need.   Tails:  You mean?--   Knuckles [points to his ears]:  That's right, Tails.  I'm taking your advice.  Remember me, guys.  [he runs at the mech]  I'm going-- TO TAKE OUT GOD!!!   Amy [as they start to run]:  Wow that sounds so wrong.   Sonic [scared]:  Jeez, Amy!  You're talking so little you're scaring me every time you do it!   Rouge [stops, worried]:  Should we really be leaving Knuckles behind?   Tails [grabs her hand and urges her along]:  He'll be okay, Rouge.   Eggman [laughing]:  This is going to be too easy!  Knuckles... GO HOME!   [Knuckles replies... by jumping up and delivering a devastating mech-gut-busting blow to GOD's chest, knocking the mech back a ways.]   Sonic [whistling]:  Wow, awesome Knuckles!   Shadow [wide-eyed]:  Oh, crap, I have to start respecting Knuckles, don't I?   Eggman [checking on the damage readings, amazed]:  WHAT THE FUCK!?   Il Palazzo [annoyed]:  Eggman, what are you doing?  Just smash him!  Or tell him to kill Sonic; you said he listens to you!   Eggman [trying again]:  KNUCKLES, STOP ATTACKING US AND KILL SONIC!   [Knuckles holds still for a moment...]   Eggman [smiling]:  Beauty, it's working!   [...but then delivers another punch to the robot's left arm, causing a chain of explosions to cascade across the metal limb.]   Il Palazzo [worried]:  We've lost control of the left arm!   Eggman:  How?  This... this CAN'T be happening!   [GOD tries to smash Knuckles with its right arm, but the now angry echidna replies by smashing a hole into the hand and running in.]   Bowser:  HE'S INSIDE US!   Eggman [panic]:  WHAT!?  Um, er, Bowser, go kill him.   Bowser [spaz]:  FUCK THAT!  HE'S SUPER-PISSED!  I'm not going anywhere near that shit!   Knuckles [punches the door to the cockpit open; looks both heroic and crazed at once]:  Eggman...   Eggman [regret]:  Oh.  Shit.   Knuckles:  DIE!!! [goes apeshit in the cockpit, smashing instruments and Eggman with equal conviction]   Il Palazzo:  Screw this, I'm detaching what's left of my Porsche!   ______________________________________________   Rouge [looking back, seeing GOD start to break apart and explode; sighs]:  Dammit, I'm going to have to sleep with him, aren't I?   Sonic [indifferent]:  Yup.  We're headed to our alternate secret base.   Shadow [gasping]:  You don't mean!?--   Sonic:  Yes, I do.   ______________________________________________   [Former Inter-Companions HQ (AKA Fist the Anteater's old apartment building)]   Tails:  I can't believe we're resorting to this!   Rouge:  Oh, c'mon now, it's not like they're using it.  It's empty!   Amy:  Why didn't they sell the place?   Shadow:  I don't know, they're idiots?   Amy [crosses her arms]:  Smarter than you'll ever be, jackass!   Shadow [whips out his gun, aiming it at a now frightened Amy's head]:  What was that, now?   Sonic [irritated]:  Shadow put the gun away.   Shadow [sighs]:  Fine.   Sonic:  Who gave you that, anyway?   Shadow:  Mail order.   Sonic:  Okay, then, where'd you get the money for it?   Shadow:  Tails.   Tails [shock]:  That's what you borrowed money for?   Shadow:  I said I'll pay you back!  I'll just go to the bank and have them let me draw a little bit from everyone's accounts.   Sonic:  ... You mean, stealing.   Shadow:  Well, if you're going to be a Stiffy McStifferson, then yes, stealing!  I suppose you're happy now!   Sonic:  ... NO!  Of course not!   Rouge [angry]:  Let's come up with a plan already!   Sonic:  Fine, fine.   Sailor Mercury [to herself]:  Oh my, what have I gotten myself into?   Sonic:  Okay, so we have to lay low because the world hates us now--   Tails:  Actually, Sonic, with the WAR going on, we don't have to be as subtle as you think.   Sonic:  Well, let's check out the TV and see what parts have been taken over.  We can make our way to some areas still under Earth control and recruit allies and whatnot.   Sailor Mercury:  Actually, I may be able to convince my fellow scouts to team up with us.   Rouge:  Pfft.  You're the weakest link.  No one's going to listen to you.  And honey, that skirt is WAY too short.   Sailor Mercury [angry]:  Oh, I'M indecent, Ms. "heart-shaped barely large enough halter top?"   Rouge [surprised]:  You bitch!   Sonic:  Calm down, let's see what's going on.  [Turns the TV on]   ______________________________________________     COMMERCIAL   Female News reporter:  … Some breaking footage of our savior God has been captured recently.  Here we can see in an unfortunate state of events, our lord God seems to have perished in a fiery explosion.  In a time of world crisis where places such as Latveria, Peru, and the prairie provinces of Canada has been claimed by the Moon Kingdom, we –   [Static cuts in and we see Tuxedo Mask.]   Tuxedo Mask:  People of Earth, as you have witnessed, your savior has perished!   Bob [critical]:  Ach, man, you dinnae do a thing!  But I sure do hope that the boss is okay…   Tuxedo Mask:  Now you have little reason to resist us!  The places that you can now call your “Moon Kingdom Home” are such places as Latveria, Peru, the prairie provinces of Canada, some of the African countries which have been known to have low viability, and two percent of the Pacific Ocean.    Bob:  Two percent?  Ach, why would you only take two percent?   Tuxedo Mask [ashamed]:  Well, we still can’t get the rest of the ninety-eight because of well, Aquaman.  He puts up a damn good fight!   [Scene changes live to Aquaman (DC not Capcom) fighting against Sailor Neptune.]   Aquaman [really pissed off]:  First these Earth people pollute my oceans, and now the people of the Earth’s moon pollute my ocean?!  Well they’re not going to get away with this!   Sailor Neptune:  Submit to us, Sea-Man! [She dives in the water to use the surrounding ocean to her advantage.]   Aquaman:  I think not!  GET HER BOYS!   [Aquaman sics five great white sharks at her.  She attempts to attack with her water attacks but unfortunately, she gets torn apart by the feeding frenzy of the sharks.  That poor, poor soul.]   Tuxedo Mask:  … Her fault for diving in the water in the first place.  Damn, there goes one of my troops.  Wonder what her lesbian partner is going to feel about this. [thinks to himself and speaks out loud]  Hmm… she’ll probably turn straight.  And when that happens, it’ll mean sweet, sweet lovin’.  Besides, having a tomboy-ish figure around will makes things more interesting!   Sailor Moon [hearing all this]:  What are you talking about?  I’M your wife!   Tuxedo Mask:  Yeah and it kills me inside.  Well haven’t you ever been curious?   Bob:  For the love of god man!  Just kill me or knock me out so I don’t have to hear this!   Announcer [catchy jingle]:  ♪♫Pledge allegiance to--[static, then Tuxedo Mask's voice] The Moon Kingdom ______________________________________________   [Amongst the destruction and shattered pieces of GOD, a red echidna stands before it all battered and bruised.]   Knuckles [breathing heavily]:  Well, I did it.    [Knuckles looks around once more and he then collapses face first towards the ground.  A small bird flies by and lands near the collapsed body of the echidna.  It chirps for him as though it were chirping a sweet song of sadne---]   Knuckles [pain]:  OW!  MY FACE!  MY FUCKING BEAUTIFUL FACE!   [Bird flies away, frightened.]   ______________________________________________   T HE END... for now... again... one more time... BEHOLD, IT IS NOT THE END... oh, wait, it is... psyche!... WE PLAY "PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE PEPPERONI ON THEIR PIZZA" IN DEFENSE MODE!... laughs are hard... our readers were seriously wounded, but the soul still burns...  Rah-Rah-Rasputin... When a couple of guys who were up to no good, started makin' trouble in my neighborhood…