Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ Episode III: Revenge of the Obvious Pun ❯ A Load of Sith ( Chapter 5 )

Chapter Five: A Load of Sith

 

[The scene cuts to Chancellor Robotnik's office. Eggman is gazing out a window, while Tails stands behind him.]

 

Eggman: I hope you trust me Tails…

 

Tails: Of course I do. Why should I not trust someone who's been making overt moves to gain power over the Senate? Why should I not trust someone who's always missing whenever the Sith Lord, Darth Egg is around? Why should I not trust someone whose walls are plastered with murals of Sith Lords of eons ago? Why sho-

 

Eggman: I think we get the idea. I need you to help me…

 

Tails: What do you need me to do?

 

Eggman: I want you to be my eyes, ears, mouth, and butt for the Republic.

 

Tails: You want me to be your ass?

 

Eggman: (thinks) No…I already have someone taking care of that role…In any case, I want you to be my representative on the Jedi council.

 

Tails: Me? I'd say I was flattered, but secretly, my ego demands nothing less.

 

Eggman: Excellent. You shall be my voice on the Jedi Council. Report on their behavior. I fear they plan to destabilize the Republic.

 

Tails: Really? The Jedi have spent the last several thousand years preserving the Republic against all foes. Why would they suddenly change now?

Eggman: I have my suspicions…if you were on the Council, it would ease my mind.

 

[The scene cuts to the Jedi Council chamber. Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, Yoda and other various Jedi are there, some as holograms.]

 

Knuckles: Miles Prower, we will approve your appointment to the Jedi Council as the representative of the Chancellor.

 

Tails: Thank you, I will my best to uphold Jedi principles for the next two scenes or so. After that, I can't promise anything.

 

Yoda: Not very happy with this appointment are we. Disturbing is Chancellor Robotnik's moves.

 

Sonic: You're telling me…ever see the man try to breakdance? I wanted to gouge my eyes out right then and there.

 

[The council turns to stare at Sonic for a minute. He coughs. The council turns back to Tails.]

 

Knuckles: While you may be on the Council, we do not grant you the rank of Master.

 

Tails: WHAT?! I'm on the fucking Council! Everyone on the Council is a Master! Why are you discriminating against me? I got to the Council didn't I?

 

Knuckles: Sit down. Or I'll bite you. Don't think I won't.

 

[Tails sits down quickly. There's a few seconds of embarrassed silence, then a hologram of Jedi Master Boris speaks.]

 

Boris: The proud forces of Mother Russia have swept through the core worlds, and we have found no sign of the capitalist pig-swine General Big.

 

Arthas: (also a hologram) Cough…dumbass…cough.

 

Boris: You want to fight about it, pansy? I can't help but notice your hologram is purple!

 

Yoda: Silence! Hiding in the Outer Rim, Big is. Outlying worlds, you must sweep.

 

Arthas: Ooh! Ooh! Can I clean them? I love the smell of lemon freshener!

 

Boris: Cough! PANSY! Cough!

 

Sonic: Okay…it will take some time to search the Rim Worlds for signs of Big.

 

Knuckles: We cannot take ships from the front line. Lest anybody forget, we've still got that monstrous battle going over Coruscant.

 

Tails: Is anyone going to do anything about it?

 

Yoda: In committee, the Senate is. Authorizing highway projects, they are.

 

Knuckles: In any case we'll have to send a lone Jedi to contact our spies in the region and discover where Big is located before we risk our forces in a direct assault.

 

Boris: What about the droid assault on the walking carpets? Shall we not help our Red brethren?

 

Arthas: I like Wookies…all nice and hairy…I can roll around in that fur for days…

 

Boris: That was so flamboyant, that I am utterly speechless for once.

 

Knuckles: Okay…Arthas is not going to be allowed anywhere near the Wookie world.

 

Tails: I can go! I know that planet very well!

 

Yoda: Need you, the Chancellor does. Go instead will I.

 

Knuckles: Then all is settled. Yoda will go to Kashyyk, wh-

 

Sonic: Kashyyyk.

 

Knuckles: That's what I said…

 

Sonic: You said “Kashyyk”.

 

Knuckles: What's the difference?

 

Sonic: You missed a “y”.

 

Knuckles: Fine…Yoda will go to “Kashyyyk”, while Mr. Smart-ass over here will go to the Outer Rim. May the Force be with us all. Except you (points at a random Jedi). I don't like you one bit.

 

[The scene cuts to Sonic and Tails wandering down some hallways in the Jedi Temple.]

 

Tails: Come on! How can I be on the Jedi Council and not be a master? Everyone who has ever been on the council has been a master!

 

Sonic: Yeah. And everybody who's ever been on the Council actually got there through skill. Not by having some politician appoint him over everybody's heads.

 

Tails: Well…uhhh…I should still be a Master.

 

Sonic: In time you will be. You should be happy at the honor you received! You're the youngest member ever of the Council!

 

Tails: Yeah. Well I deserve more.

 

Sonic: The only reason your on the Council is because the Chancellor trusts you!

 

Tails: And?

 

Sonic: I hate to do this to you…but the Jedi need you to report on what the Chancellor is doing.

 

Tails: You want me to spy on the Chancellor? Just like he wants me to spy on you guys? I am shocked and appalled that you would suggest I do such a thing!

 

Sonic: Listen, the Chancellor's actions are suspicious. He's stayed in office past his term!

 

Tails: And?

 

Sonic: We're worried about his true intentions…

 

Tails: Look, I've known the Chancellor since I was a small child. His true intentions are limited to “buy a tub of lard for lunch”. He's incapable of planning any nefarious scheme for galactic domination.

 

Sonic: Still, you must do this for the Council.

 

Tails: It breaks my Jedi code! Just like slaughtering unarmed women and children in the last movie, and decapitating a beaten foe earlier in this one. Suddenly, I strongly believe in the Jedi code.

 

Sonic: Please Tails, for the Council.

 

[The scene cuts to a Republic Gunship, skimming along the Coruscant sky-line. Knuckles, Yoda, and Sonic are onboard.]

 

Sonic: Tails wasn't too pleased with his assignment…

 

Yoda: Too influential the Chancellor has become. Too much pride young Prower has.

 

Knuckles: I don't trust the Chancellor. Putting the boy together with him is a sure path to disaster, however, I will still let him spend time with the Chancellor, despite my very well-founded worries

 

Sonic: I trust him. I'm sure he can complete his assignment.

 

Knuckles: I wish I had your trust. And the intelligence to call this plan off before we all get ass-raped by his eventual fall to the Dark Side as a result of his extended exposure to Robotnik.

 

Tails: Well, he is supposed to be the Chosen One. That's what the prophecy said.

 

Yoda: Perhaps, from a TV show, someone got that prophecy. Misread, it might have been.

 

Sonic: Great. NOW you tell me.

 

Yoda: No matter. Go to walking carpet planet, I must. See you soon, I will. May be with you, the Force.

 

[The Gunship lands, and Yoda wanders off. It starts to take off again.]

 

Knuckles: (to Sonic) Between you and me, I think he's gone crazy…