Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ Episode III: Revenge of the Obvious Pun ❯ Close Encounters of the Sith Kind ( Chapter 9 )

Chapter Nine: Close Encounters of the Sith Kind

 

[The scene cuts to the Chancellor's office. Tails walks in, and Chancellor Robotnik gets up to greet him.]

 

Tails: Chancellor, I bring news. Sonic has contacted and engaged Big.

 

Eggman: What an unfortunate turn of events…

 

Tails: What do you mean?

 

Eggman: Sonic was sent to kill Big, and now they're engaged…

 

Tails: I mean, like, engaged in combat.

 

Eggman: OH! Now that makes more sense. I can only hope Master Sonic is up to the challenge.

 

Tails: I should be there with Sonic. We're a pair, he needs my help.

 

Eggman: Yes. But you know what really annoys me? The Council doesn't seem to appreciate you at all. Don't you wonder why they won't grant you the rank of master?

 

Tails: I wish I knew…I get the feeling the Council is trying to exclude me. Even if they just allowed me to become a member of the Council…

 

Eggman: Blatant disregard! They don't trust you Tails. They fear your powers. They will build a wall of fog around, trapping you in web of lies.

 

Tails: Did you just try and combine three different sayings?

 

Eggman: I think I did. No matter, Tails, let me help you learn the subtleties of the Force.

 

[Tails and Chancellor Robotnik walk into a room filled with tapestries and murals of ancient Sith lords.]

 

Tails: You know the ways of the Force?

 

Eggman: My master taught me everything about the Force…including the ways of the Dark Side.

 

[Tails stops walking.]

 

Tails: You know the Dark Side?!

 

Eggman: If one is to understand the mysteries and subtleties of life and this strange world, one must study all there is to study, even if we find it disreputable. Once we see the whole picture, the Light and the Dark, then, and only then, can we know all there is to know.

 

Tails: Oh that's total bullshit.

 

Eggman: Yeah. I just wanted to get cool powers and kill people. Come on Tails, join me! The Jedi will destroy you!

 

Tails: They're my family now! I won't become a pawn in your game!

 

Eggman: I can help you save your wife! Together, we can save Amy from certain death!

 

Tails: But…you're a Sith Lord!

 

Eggman: Of course I am! How the hell could you people not notice? If I even tried to work in a galaxy with even the smallest shred of intelligence, my scheming would be ruined. But here…fuck, you people are stupid.

 

Tails: Shut up!

 

[Tails pulls out his saber and ignites it. He brings the blade to Eggman's neck.]

 

Eggman: Are you going to kill me?

 

Tails: I would like to…

 

Eggman: Think about it. You kill me now, and the Jedi Council will kick you out. Nobody will believe that I'm a Sith Lord. Come on, look at me for fuck's sake. And without the Jedi…and without me, Amy will die.

 

[Tails brings his saber down.]

 

Tails: I will hand you over to the Jedi Council.

 

Eggman: Can you be sure that is the right choice?

 

Tails: I'll find out what the right choice is. Good bye.

 

Eggman: I'll be here. Waiting. And waiting. And waiting. And waiting. And waiting.

 

Tails: SHUT UP SITH ASSHOLE!

 

[Tails storms out of the Chancellor's room. Chancellor Robotnik sits at his desk.]

 

Eggman: And waiting. And waiting. And waiting. And waiting. And waiting.

 

[The scene cuts to the planet in the system whose name I won't repeat. Sonic's lizard chases after Big's wheel. They ride by a monstrous battle between Separatist droids and Republic Clones. There's no emotional feeling to these battles, since half the combatants are mindless robots, and the other half are mindless clones.]

 

Big: You'll never catch m-(haaaaack)-e!

 

Sonic: Stop running away you little bitch!

 

[Big takes a hard right, and Sonic's lizard slips a little. Sonic drops his lightsaber and it goes bouncing down the cliff side.]

 

Sonic: That was expensive!

 

[The lizard lets out a high-pitched squeaking sound. The noise is so distracting that Big loses his grip on the wheel thing and flops onto a nearby landing platform with a waiting ship. Sonic dismounts the lizard and grabs a staff.]

 

Big: Ooooo-(cough)-oooooow.

 

Sonic: (waving staff) Alright Big, let's end this.

 

[Big gets up and charges at Sonic. He smashes the Jedi across the head. Sonic spins to the right, and leans into the ship. Big punches again and crushes the side of the ship. Sonic dodges, and kicks Big in the shin. Sonic hits the ground screaming in pain.]

 

Sonic: YOU FUCKING LARDASS! WHAT THE [bleep] WAS THAT?! MY FUCKING TOES! YOU SHITHEADED COCKBITE!

 

Big: Really, Jedi. Most unim-(wheeze)-pressive.

 

[Big grabs for a blaster around his waist, and draws it.]

 

Sonic: Oh you ASS. You FUCKING ASS!

 

[Big opens fire. Sonic dodges the shots, then trips. He slides down the landing platform and reaches the edge, grabbing hold.]

 

Big: It is over So (hack) nic! I will rip you (wheeze) limb from delicious limb!

 

Sonic: My god! Why won't you stop coughing? What the hell kind of villain are you?

 

Big: SHUT UP! I'm cooler than (haaack) the Witch King!

 

Sonic: Who?

 

Big: DIE JE (cough) DI!

 

[Big aims at Sonic, who uses the force to grab the blaster. It slides into Sonic's hands and he shoots Big square in the chest.]

 

Big: My blubber cannot be breached by such simple weapons!

 

[Suddenly, Big's head erupts in flames.]

 

Big: Holy shit! How is (cough) that even physically possible? Oh my God the burning! THE BURNING!

 

[Big runs around like a headless chicken for a few seconds, then drops to the ground {Author's Note: You have no idea how tempted I was to say “like a sack of chads”}. Sonic gets up and brushes himself off.]

 

Sonic: What an amazing coincidence that shooting someone in the chest would cause their head to erupt in flames. Otherwise, I surely would have lost.

 

[Sonic drops the blaster by Big's smoking remnants, and jumps back on the lizard thing. The scene cuts to Coruscant, and a landing platform with several Jedi, lead by Knuckles. Tails enters the landing platform, and rushes to Knuckles.]

 

Tails: Master Knuckles! I need to talk to you!

 

Knuckles: What is it, Tails? We're kinda busy right now. We've just learned that General Big has been killed and we're about to go and make sure that the Chancellor gives up his office.

 

Tails: That's what I…wait, you seriously think that since Big is dead the entire Separatist army is gonna just stop? Don't they still have a ruling council? Won't they still lead the war?

 

Knuckles: Poor, poor child. You have to understand that in this universe, over-simplification of political and military matters reigns supreme. Now, what was it you had to tell me?

 

Tails: I'm pretty sure the Chancellor isn't going to give up his powers.

 

Knuckles: Really?

 

Tails: Yes…he's a Sith Lord!

 

Knuckles: (blinks) Oh that's just grand. Are you sure?

 

Tails: Yes. 100%. Absolutely. He's the Sith Lord who trained Metal Sonic.

 

Knuckles: Then our worst fears which we never mentioned before have come true. We must act quickly if we are to preserve the Jedi Order.

 

Tails: Yes. And he's very powerful! You'll need my help to stop him!

 

Knuckles: Yeah…I need your help. Listen, I am the greatest lightsaber warrior ever. Nobody can touch me, motherfucker. I am DY-NA-MITE! Motherfucker!

 

Tails: Oooookaaaaay…

 

Knuckles: But seriously, stay behind. Stay here and slowly think about what you're going to do. Have the time to think it over calmly. Come to a conclusion. Betray us all.

 

Tails: You're reading ahead in the script aren't you?

 

Knuckles: Ye…no. Wait in the Council chambers until we return.

 

[The Jedi board the Gunship.]

 

Knuckles: AND DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE TOUCH MY HOT POCKET!

 

[The Gunship streaks out of the landing platform.]