Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ The Adventures of Eggman ❯ Episode 2 - "Reclaiming My Empire!" ( Chapter 2 )
The Adventures of Eggman
A triple team production by:
THE TRIPLE PEEPS
Apollo Alexandre, a.k.a. "Grand Master Shoma" (GMS)
Neusa Gaspar, a.k.a. "Judge Neusy"
Carlos Alexandre, a.k.a. "CMA" (CMA)
Judge Neusy: DISCLAIMER: Any characters mentioned in this story that are not the distinctive likenesses of anyone else--including, but not limited to, Sega, Sonic Team, Nintendo, Clamp, Nelvana, etc.--were created by us, and may not be used without our permission. All characters and distinctive likenesses not created by us are the property of their respective owners.
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[The Egg Carrier lands just outside of the city. Eggman emerges to find desolation, only because he's outside the city.]
Eggman [the wind blowing through his mustache dramatically]: This place... looks deserted...
[Two little boys are playing nearby. Both are wearing Eggman beanie hats]
Playing Boy A [playing make-believe]: Ha, I am Eggman! Die, Sonic!
Playing Boy B [pretending to be Sonic]: Oh, HJA! I wish I joined the Eggman Empire!
Eggman: What's going on? [a newspaper flies into Eggman's face; Eggman pulls it off and is angry at first] Why you LITTLE--what the? Eggman Empire conquers the world? Sonic and Tails wanted... for MURDER!? TOMOYO BETTER THAN EGGMAN!? I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE LEFT!!! WAIT, I WANTED TO LEAVE! I wanted to take over Pop-Star!
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Eggman [serious tone]: The adventures... [gets louder] of MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
♪♫
Clark Kent's super
Bruce Wayne's Batman
Everyone else
Just looooves Eggman!
♪♫
Sonic [pops up out of nowhere]: Not me!
♪♫
Everyone who's evil
Just looooves Eggman!
♪♫
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The Adventures of Eggman
Episode 2:
"Reclaiming My Empire!"
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COMMERCIAL
Tomoyo [usual charming self]: Hello, Eggman Empire citizens! And if I'm not mistaken, that's everyone on the planet! We have some unfortunate news, I'm afraid. Sonikku and Tails-chan have escaped again and are nowhere to be found. In an effort to relax and stimulate the Death-Generals, I have sent them to a place where beverages are absurdly expensive and people in the "arts" have conversations that make normal people want to die: Starbucks!
[Camera cuts away to Shadow, Knuckles, Rouge, Amy, and a passed-out Hungry Phil who can't be seen too clearly.]
Shadow: What's wrong with Hungry Phil?
Knuckles: I don't know, maybe these art freaks are making him faint. I'm getting kinda woozy myself--FOUR-FIFTY FOR A CUP OF JOE!? Do you realize just WHO you're over-charging, here?
Rouge: Knuckles, calm down.
Knuckles: No, I will NOT calm down! We're the Death-Generals, dammit! We get to push people around! [Knuckles kicks a hungry dog]
[Back to Tomoyo at the "studio."]
Tomoyo: Hold it, I'm getting something in my ear: Starbucks has been... arrested? I didn't know we could do that! Well, we DO own the world, technically, so why not? I've just received word that all Starbucks in and around Earth have been destroyed, which means that approximately fifty percent of Earth is gone. [charming and cute] Oh well!
Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>
CD [Eggman's voice]: JOIN!
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[Eggman emerges from Boston Pizza.]
Eggman [rubbing stomach]: MAN, that was GOOD pizza! And I can't believe that it was FREE! Oh well, time to throw away the pizza boxes! [Throws boxes into a dumpster, then hears voices]
Mysterious Tails-sounding Voice: Ow!
Mysterious Sonic-sounding Voice: Tails, be quiet! Someone will find us!
Eggman [confused]: What the hell!? [looks inside dumpster to find a very dirty and worn out Sonic and Tails] Sonic? Tails?
Sonic [freaking out]: OH NO! Wait... Eggman?
Tails [pondering]: You came back? You aren't going to kill us, are you?
Sonic: Tails, don't give him ideas!
Eggman: Tempting, but not yet! What's happened here? I've only been gone for ONE day, and you're both as dirty as Frenchmen--no, sorry, that's rude and uncalled for; French PEOPLE.
Sonic [kinda dazed]: ... You left!?
Eggman [looking around to make sure no one is spying on the group; speaking in low voice]: Who did you two murder, anyway?
Sonic: What are you talking about?
[Eggman shows Sonic and Tails the newspaper.]
Tails: Oh, THAT. Something about how we are killing the spirit of the Eggman Empire.
Sonic [desperate]: You don't understand, Eggman! In one day--TOTAL CONTROL! What up!?
Tails [sad]: THEY BURNED DOWN MY HOUSE!
Sonic [sad]: THEY BURNT DOWN HIS HOUSE!
Tails [crying]: They took my TV.
Eggman [angry]: NO, NOT THE TV! WHERE AM I GONNA HANG!?
Sonic [looking confused]: Amy took my bathrobes! You've got to stop Tomoyo!
Eggman [shaking head]: ...That bitch...
Sonic: I KNOW! SHE TOOK OVER THE WORLD--
Eggman [interrupting]: NO, you fool! I meant Amy! What kind of slut is she?
Sonic [looking desperate]: I never thought I'd say this but... Eggman, please help us! We can't even set foot outside this dumpster! Children point at us, throw sharp objects, and even kick us! The Death-Generals even went as far as to--
Eggman [interrupting]: HOLD UP, just one second... Death-Generals!? Children!?
Tails: Ever since Tomoyo took over, she made a special police force called the Death-Generals. They're led by Shadow, and they consist of Rouge, Amy, Knuckles, and Hungry Phil!
Eggman [very upset]: THAT CUR!!!
Sonic: They even destroyed Starbucks!
Eggman: And I'm supposed to care because? They over-charge! I say good riddance! I tip my hat to those Death-Generals!
Tails: What hat?
Eggman: Never mind.
Sonic [serious voice]: Eggman, it was KNUCKLES who made the arrest.
Eggman [shocked]: Whoa. Knuckles shouldn't have that kind of power... [thinks he hears something] Wait, I hear something! [slams the dumpster lid on Sonic and Tails]
Shadow [the leader of the Death-Generals]: Hey, Eggman! You finally returned, oh Lord!
Eggman: Lord!?
Rouge [cocking an eyebrow]: What are you doing near that suspicious dumpster?
Amy: Actually, Eggman, DON'T tell us what you're doing here. The thought sickens me.
Eggman [changing the subject]: Where's Knuckles?
Shadow: He and Hungry Phil are beating a thief to death. This thief--whom, may I add, is NOT Rouge--
Rouge [angry]: Thanks.
Shadow: --was trying to steal himself some independence.
Voice from far away: Freedom rules! No, don't kill me with a T-Bone!
Knuckles [also heard from far away]: The time for talk has ended! Hungry Phil, destroy him!
Voice from far away: N-- [voice fades]
Eggman [slightly frightened]: Um, are you sure that Knuckles should have that kind of power!?
[Shadow shrugs.]
Rouge: Her Lady Tomoyo is waiting for you. Shall we escort you back to HQ, or do you have further business to take care of?
Eggman [angry]: I'll get there myself! Tell Tomoyo I'll see her in one hour. In the meantime, you guys should take a break FAR away from my sight. Go to the local YMCA and find Mr. T, or something.
Shadow [saluting]: Yes, sir! [hollering] YOU HEARD THE MAN! LET'S GET ROWDY! [calmly walks away with Rouge and Amy]
Eggman [waiting until the Death-Generals are gone, then peers into the dumpster]: You guys okay?
Sonic [dizzy]: It smells like shit!
Tails [also dizzy]: It tastes like feet!
Eggman: If my draft constitution was the one that Tomoyo followed, [pulls out copy] no one should be allowed to touch my Egg Carrier under penalty of vaporization/instant death. Which means... [starts laughing evilly] hahahahaha HAHAHAHAHAHA HAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Tails [worried]: Sonic...
Sonic: I'm reluctant to say, but I think we may have to trust him on this one...
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[Outside the Egg Carrier, which is outside the city...]
Eggman [suspiciously eyeing a man wearing an Eggman suit]: What are you doing?
Flunky: I'm your valet! Also, I'm making sure that no one touches your Egg Carrier, because I really don't want people to get vaporized!
Eggman: Smart man, you did your homework.
Flunky [now noticing that Eggman is much bigger than usual]: Um, sir, pardon my asking, but, have you gained weight?
Eggman [freaking out]: I HAD A BIG LUNCH! Now get out of here before I slap you! Take a lap in the ocean!
Flunky [saluting]: SIR YES SIR! [jumps in ocean] Wait, I can't swim! And the currents are pulling me out to sea! Oh nooooooo... [voice fades]
Eggman [laughing hysterically]: HAHAHA, I never get tired of that joke!
Sonic [gasping for air as he and Tails get out of Eggman's outfit]: Joke? You just sent someone to their death!
Tails: You smell like feet... When was the last time you showered, Eggman?
Eggman [proud]: Why, yesterday!
[Sonic and Tails stare at Eggman accusingly.]
Eggman: Um, two days ago!
[The stare continues]
Eggman [twiddling thumbs, looking guilty]: Last month...
[The stare continues]
Eggman [yelling]: FINE, FINE! I DON'T SHOWER! I ONLY GET CLEANED WHEN I GO OUT IN THE RAIN! AND WHEN I GET THROWN IN THE WATER WHEN I GET BEAT BY *YOU*!!! [points at Sonic and Tails]
Tails: Then why didn't you kill anyone with that funk in Pop-Star?
Eggman: In Pop-Star, I wished I smelled nice! Ixo facto, therefore, let's just advance the damn plot so that in the next story, I'll shower and it'll seem like I always shower and the fact that I just said I didn't just to make a quick joke at the expense of my dignity will be forgotten and man is this ever the biggest run-on sentence or what!?
Sonic: Um, right!!!
Eggman [pulling out cellphone]: But, first, we're going to get some help! [presses a speed-dial button]
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[Pop-Star. Specifically, Kirby's lawn.]
Kirby [finished re-building his house AGAIN]: Ah, now my house is complete! [hears mysterious ringing] That's odd, I don't have a ringer... or a cellphone... or a PHONE! [pulls out mysterious cellphone and answers] Um, hello?
Eggman [voice from the cellphone]: Hey, Kirbs, it's Eggs! 'Sup?
Kirby [confused]: Kirbs? Eggs? 'Sup? What do you want?
Eggman: I need your help! I want you to help me take back my empire!
Kirby: No way!
Eggman: Kirby, are you REALLY doing anything BETTER?
[Kirby looks around his lawn to find Meta-Chain watering plants with spiked fruit punch, Meta-Lance counting to five using fractions (180/180, 350/175, 72/24, 1024/256, 2.5/0.5), Meta-Axe is working on Rock Cannons, Meta Knight is helping himself to Kirby's hammock, and two Waddle Dees are arguing on whether or not Meta Knight is of Kirby's kin or just a Bob-Omb with honor and a cape.]
Kirby [shaking head]: I'll be right over...
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[Kirby arrives on Earth three seconds later. Don't ask how. Eggman, Sonic, Tails, and Kirby are in the Egg Carrier, which has taken off, planning how to convince the world how to abandon Tomoyo's Eggman Empire.]
Sonic [to Kirby]: You? How'd you get here so fast?
Kirby [shrugs]: Warp-star. You don't hate me because I'm Nintendo, do you?
Sonic [shaking head]: No, not at all! I only hate Mario! [whispers] But don't tell him. I'm going to beat him in his sleep like he beat me in *his* sleep. [winks]
Kirby [confused]: Don't you mean *your* sleep?
Sonic [looking pathetic]: No, no, not at all...
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[Some time before this, but AFTER Nintendo and Sonic Team buddied up...]
Sonic [standing above a sleeping Mario, taunting him]: Oooh, I'm Mario! I think-a I'm a big-a bitch because I have-a hot slut! Woohoo! [gets punched by the sleeping Mario repeatedly] Ow! [punch] OW!!! [punch] Oh, how does he know where I am!?
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[Back to the present...]
Eggman [to the sad Sonic]: That's pathetic, dude. But seriously! We have to get back my empire!
Tails: How?
Eggman: I have a plan. We'll split up into two groups. Sonic, you and Tails are "Team Egg." Your job is to take out the Death-Generals or bring them back to our side. Or knock them out, or beat 'em with a stick or something!
Sonic: Got it.
Eggman: Kirbs, you and I are "Team Man."
Sonic [groaning]: How VERY original.
Eggman: Silence, leader of Team Egg! Now, Team Man, listen up!
Kirby [shaking head again]: Oh boy.
Tails [whispering to Sonic]: He's crazy...
Sonic [loud to Tails]: You haven't noticed!?
Eggman: Team Man will try to negotiate with Tomoyo using Eggman's--that's me--ability to get into the Eggman Empire HQ! The Death-Generals told me that she's expecting me in [checks watch]--OH, FUCK, TEN MINUTES!?
Kirby: So, let me get this straight; you basically dawdled for fifty minutes when we could have been working this all out? Not to mention that you didn't consider that it might be a trap! I've seen that Card Captor show! Have you seen Tomoyo laugh? She sounds pretty evil...
Eggman: Believe me, she is--
Sonic [interrupting]: Then why leave her in charge--
Eggman: Enough of this. Let's get to work!
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[Some time later (ten minutes, that is)...]
Sonic [sneaking around quietly in the Death-Generals HQ]: Keep it down, Tails! [looks around] Tails? Tails, where are you?
Tails [returning with an unconscious Amy]: Got her! One down, four to go! Hey, Sonic, since she stole your bathrobes, can I have her panties?
Sonic [a little surprised at Tails's request and effectiveness]: Yeah, whatever! Knock yourself out.
Tails [using one swift Street Fighter-style motion to snatch (no pun intended) Amy's undergarments intact; he pockets it]: Sweet! Let's continue!
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[Meanwhile, Kirby and Eggman are granted an audience with her Lady Tomoyo.]
Background Chanting in Lady Tomoyo's Hall [same beat and rhythm as Sephiroth's theme]: ♪♫Eggy-chan!♪♫ [drums and bell] ♪♫Eggy-chan!♪♫
Eggman: Okay, she's gone WAY too far!
Kirby: That doesn't even match. It sounds... wrong.
Eggman [scared]: Hold me, Kirbs!
Kirby: No!
Eggman [winding up for a backhand]: Why you little-- [Kirby doesn't flinch] Nah, you're not worth it, and you'd probably kill me after.
Tomoyo [only her voice; it's being echoed eerily throughout the hall]: Eggy-chan! I've been expecting you! Come! Hohohohohohohoho! [laughing like in the Japanese Card Captor Sakura movies]
Eggman [pissed off, yelling out]: Oh, I'm coming all right! [grabs Kirby, starts running through the hall]
Kirby [amazed at Eggman's incredible running speed]: Wow, I didn't know he could run this fast!
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[Meanwhile, in Death-General HQ...]
Knuckles [evil]: Man, I LOVE killing people who insist on bringing back Starbucks! Don't you, Rouge? [Knuckles is drinking from a bottled Starbucks coffee drink he bought from 7-11.]
Rouge [feeling ashamed of Knuckles]: I hope you realize what you're drinking.
Knuckles [wiping chin]: Yeah, this is DAMN good coffee! [Looks at Starbucks label, then gasps] NOOOOOOOOOO!!! I AM A TRAITOR TO MYSELF!!! [punches himself once in the gut and looks dazed; punches himself a second time in the head and passes out]
Shadow [shaking head in shame]: What a nerd...
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COMMERCIAL
[Tomoyo, dressed in a significantly different and far more seductive imperial black leather with cape and sword and revealing bikini and headdress outfit, is addressing her "subjects" via commercial.]
Tomoyo [looking less cute and charming and more menacing, but still charismatic]: Loyal citizens, your Lady Tomoyo has observed a disturbing trend. According to this chart, [a chart appears] the rate at which new members are joining the Eggman Empire is steadily decreasing. In fact, some people have even QUIT the Eggman Empire! Now, while these people are now dead or dying, it is most disturbing news! On to other news, Sonikku and Tails-chan are still missing, possibly dead. Remember, their past deeds mean nothing, except that they tried to murder the spirit of the Eggman Empire! Now go kill them! EVERYONE! [Tomoyo laugh] Hohohohohohohohoho!!!
Eggman [breaking through door with his running kick]: TOMOYO!!! [holds up Kirby] UGLY BABY JUDGES YOU!!
Kirby: Hey!
Eggman: Sorry, I didn't mean "ugly" nor "baby." Now where's Bob, Tomoyo!?
Tomoyo [putting a finger to her chin, smiling evilly]: Well, last I remember, that silly Scotsman was far too loyal to YOUR way of running things, Eggy-chan! So I was going to throw him in the dungeon--
Eggman [surprised]: WHAT!?
Tomoyo [evil]: DON'T INTERRUPT! I MUST FINISH! [calm] Anyway, I was GOING to throw him in the dungeon, but it was full! So I stuffed him, upside-down, in a broom closet!
Eggman [worried]: OH, DEAR GOD NO!!!
Tomoyo [to Kirby; she's briefly happy and charming again]: Hey there, cutie! Wanna join the Eggman Empire?
Kirby [blushing slightly]: Well, when YOU ask--
Eggman [whipping Kirby away from Tomoyo and holding him close]: NO, Kirby! You're my buddy, and if you join the Eggman Empire--and you WILL, make NO mistake--it's going to be MY Eggman Empire! [to Tomoyo] YOU STAY AWAY FROM HIM, YOU SEDUCTIVE SHE-BITCH!!!
Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>
CD [Eggman's voice, from nowhere]: JOIN!
Eggman [barking to some guy near the CD player]: GET THAT CD OUTTA THERE!!!
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[Death-General HQ. Time passed slightly. Tails already took out Amy, while Knuckles took care of himself--that much you know. Currently the Death-Generals are fleeing for their lives.]
Shadow [running]: HURRY MEN, BEHIND THE CURTAINS! [yelling back] SONIC, I'M REALLY REALLY SORRY!!! TAILS, I DIDN'T MEAN TO BURN YOUR HOUSE, ALTHOUGH IT WAS PRETTY FUNNY! [looks back] OH, FUCK, THEY'RE GAINING SPEED!
Sonic [running with Tails]: TALK IS OVER, SHADOW! [reaches a large room with three curtains; Sonic starts pointing to each in turn] Eeny, meeny, miny, moe, catch a hobo by the TOE!!! [grabs Hungry Phil--not clearly seen--from the middle curtain and starts pummeling] TAILS! TAKE CARE OF THE OTHER TWO!
Tails [slightly worried]: But Sonic, I can only take out one of them--
Sonic: YOU HAVE THE SECOND HIGHEST IQ ON THE DAMN PLANET! YOU'LL FIND A WAY!
Tails [thinking, then speaks to Rouge]: Rouge, Knuckles is trying to turn you on from beyond the grave!
Rouge [confused, cocks head slightly]: He's dead!?
Tails [speed tackles Rouge into a wall, then grabs her and flies her into Shadow]: Well, Knuckles IS dead on the inside...
Rouge [dazed, lying on top of Shadow]: Good point-- [passes out]
Shadow [trying to lift Rouge, but finding that he can't]: Oh, GOD, she's unusually heavy! [sees Tails and Sonic standing above him] Um, hi? Actually, I quit being a Death-General!
Sonic [pointing to the Chibi-Tomoyo/Chibi-Eggman pin]: Then WHY are you still wearing the pin?
Shadow [thinking]: Um, it's a typo!
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[Back in the "throne room"...]
Eerie Sephiroth Opera Chants: ♪♫Eggy Eggy Eggy-chan, ne me mori faci-chan!♪♫
Eggman [listening]: That doesn't even make sense!
Tomoyo [evil seductive smile]: Eggman, your imperial plans are ancient!
Eggman: IT'S ONLY BEEN A DAY!
[Elsewhere, Kirby is tampering with a control panel using his Plasma ability and some mechanical know-how from watching the A-Team.]
Kirby [concentrating and soldering]: So if I pity the foo' who messes with my van, this better work! [touches a spot on the panel with Plasma power] Too many sparks; TOO MANY SPARKS!
[Unbeknownst to Tomoyo and Eggman, TVs, computer monitors, and radios all over the world are showing Tomoyo and Eggman's heated exchange; most everyone on Earth is either listening or watching or both.]
Tomoyo [continuing]: You want to rule fairly and justly while killing small animals, whilst I wish to rule in a world where everyone loves me or dies, INCLUDING small animals! [pulls out a squirrel] See this squirrel? It doesn't love me!
Eggman: Of COURSE it doesn't, it's a wild rodent!
Tomoyo [eyes turning evil and cat-like, but maintaining the seductive smile]: Observe this one's fate, Eggy-chan! [snaps squirrel's neck with one swift motion, then calmly drops the dead animal]
Eggman [gasping and shocked]: You... heartless... um... FUCK! I actually still USE small animals to make into machines! You just killed it for fun! [eyes narrowing, voice growing husk] You are scum!
Kirby [walking towards Eggman; speaking a little dazed]: Whoa, finished...
Eggman [looking at Kirby]: What do you mean finished? Where were you, Kirby?
Kirby: Hah! Tomoyo, your empire is finished! Everyone on Earth saw what you just did, you small animal killer! Observe! [Kirby points towards a bunch of monitors showing people shocked and appalled, shaking their heads in shame, and trashing their pins.]
Tomoyo [teary-eyed]: No... NO! Love me! LOVE ME!!! [dashes at Kirby] YOU ASS!!!
Kirby [easily side-stepping]: Whoa, lady, you need help!
Eggman [sounding serious]: Tomoyo, there are people that can help you... [evil] at A MENTAL INSTITUTION! [imitating Tomoyo's laugh] HOHOHOHOHOHOHO BITCH!
Tomoyo [looking down in that classic anime pose where you can't see their eyes, only their hair and their tears and their gritting teeth and such]: Oh, no, Eggy-chan. If I can't be loved by everyone, then everyone will DIE! [runs past Eggman and Kirby to a wall which opens and closes behind her]
Eggman [confused]: I don't remember installing that...
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[At Death-General HQ, Shadow, Knuckles, Amy, and Rouge are thanking Sonic and Tails for showing them the light.]
Tails [stern teacher voice]: I hope you all learned a valuable lesson. Never trust the Eggman Empire, no matter WHO'S running it!
Shadow [trying to save grace]: You know, I WAS going to quit anyway--
Sonic [interrupting and pissed]: NO YOU WEREN'T! YOU ONLY QUIT BECAUSE WE KICKED THE CRAP OUT OF YOU!
Knuckles [still a little groggy]: So, where's Hungry Phil?
Shadow: He left. Something about the life of a hobo being lazy and carefree.
[Suddenly, the intercom chimes in and the group hears Eggman's voice.]
Eggman [over the intercom]: Team Egg, if you're done what you had to do, hurry and come meet Team Man! Tomoyo has fallen, but she's retreating to my "Melt the Polar Icecaps and Flood the World" Machine, codenamed BILL! We have precious little time!
Shadow [surprised]: Wow, I didn't even know we HAD an intercom.
Sonic [running off with Tails]: Hey, aren't you guys coming?
Amy [matter-of-factly]: No. [suddenly feels a draft, comes to a realization, and turns three different shades of red] Um, where are my panties?
Tails [nervous]: Sonic, let's hurry!
Sonic: Um, right!
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[The central control room of BILL...]
Tomoyo [slightly more insane than usual; typing frantically into BILL's control terminal]: If no one loves me, they'll all die!
Eggman [as usual, breaking down the door]: STOP, TOMOYO!
Tomoyo [sounding charming, but looking deadly]: Why, Eggy-chan? With this machine, everyone will perish!
Eggman [looking down, twiddling thumbs, speaking like a child]: Well, um, actually, er, I remember now this machine's true purpose. The "Melt the Polar Icecaps and Flood the World" Machine, codenamed BILL, is really just an overly large and poorly named ice-cream maker.
Kirby [surprised and disgusted]: What!?
Eggman [happy again]: I'll show you! [hits a few buttons, then the core starts to violently shake]
BILL's Computer Voice [sounding very loud and scary]: DESTRUCTION OF EARTH IN FIVE... FOUR...
Sonic [entering with Tails]: Oh my god, it IS a weapon of mass destruction!
BILL: THREE...
Kirby [shaking like Jell-O]: Stop this thing!
BILL: TWO...
Eggman [observing Kirby]: Cool!
BILL: ONE... [a loud "ding" is heard] All done!
[A hatch in the wall opens, and a tray slides out. On the tray is a perfectly sized vanilla ice cream cone.]
Eggman [grabs cone and takes a lick]: Hmm, needs more sugar and chicken fat!
Tomoyo [looking very sad; eyes watering]: That was IT!? Where's all the destruction!? [starts crying]
Eggman [shakes head in shame; patting Tomoyo on the shoulder]: Don't worry, I feel that way every day! C'mon, I'll arrange a flight home for you. [shouts] CANNON TRAVEL BROTHERS-STYLE!
Sonic [remembering Secret of Mana]: Oh god no...
[A door opens leading outside. There, we see a grassy field with a small hill with a cannon on top of it. Manning the cannon are Meta Knight's goons.]
Kirby: What the hell? Why are you three here?
Meta-Axe [bad English/French accent]: Oi, they've arrived! Refer!
Meta-Chain [bad German/Russian accent]: We take over part-time for the Cannon Travel Brothers! I need money for my plants!
Meta-Lance [bad Australian accent]: And who'll be flying today, mate?
Eggman [pointing]: This misguided young lady over here!
Tomoyo [still sad; confused]: Hmm!?
Eggman [grabbing Tomoyo and stuffing her in the cannon]: Don't worry, I'll call Sakura and she'll catch you!
Meta-Axe [not giving Tomoyo a chance to escape]: FIRING CANNON! [fires cannon; Tomoyo flies off into the horizon, leaving a sparkle behind]
Tails [suddenly angry]: You know what, Eggman? You really are something! First you bring a young Japanese girl here to take over for your crappy commercials WHICH NEVER WORK, ANYWAY--
Sonic [shrugging]: I don't know HOW they worked this time, even...
Tails [continuing]: --THEN, LEAVING HER HEARTBROKEN WHEN THE DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR YOU IMPLANTED DIDN'T WORK OUT, YOU SHOOT HER OUT OF A CANNON! YOU ARE HEARTLESS, EGGMAN!
Eggman [pulling out his cellphone]: SHUT UP! Um... heed me! I'm fixing it, I'm fixing it... [dials a speed-dial number, then when the other end picks up...]
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[Kinomoto residence, Sakura's room. It's the middle of the night, there: 3 AM, to be specific. Sakura is woken up by her ringing phone...]
Sakura [groggy voice, reaching over for the phone]: Hello?
Eggman: Hey, Sakura, it's me, Dr. Eggman! Sorry about trying to destroy your house and all! [happened in "Jonny Quest vs. Li Shaoron"]
Sakura [very tired]: What now?
Eggman: Anyway, your friend's going to plummet to the ground near where you are! Better catch her! [Eggman hangs up]
Sakura [confused; puts down phone; looks outside]: What the!? [sees falling oddly-dressed Tomoyo]: OH, SHIT! [summons staff and card at amazing speed] FLOAT!
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COMMERCIAL
Eggman [proud and triumphant once more]: Good people, it's been about twenty minutes since that whole Tomoyo incident, but the good news is that EGGMAN is back in charge of the Eggman Emp--OH, GOD, I FORGOT ABOUT BOB!
[Twenty MORE minutes later; Eggman is talking to the camera while Bob rests on a couch behind him.]
Bob: Ach, I feel light-headed!
Eggman [continuing]: NOW, let's get back to business! FIRSTLY, Starbucks is... back.
Knuckles [screaming from somewhere on Earth]: Noooooooooooo...
Eggman: However, in return for helping them rebuild themselves, the deal is that it's now called... Eggbucks! Providing Grade A-quality eggs at absurdly high prices! But I won't be around forever. I'm already planning my next adventure, and will need a new NON-evil assistant to take over for me! Here are some highlights from the interviews I've conducted over the past forty minutes!
[Scene changes to a highlight reel. First clip:]
Eggman [conducting an interview]: And you are?
Mr. T: I'M MR. T, FOO'!
Eggman: ... ... And?
[Mr. T gets angry and throws Eggman out a window.]
Eggman [falling]: REJECTED! [lands right beside a pillow]
[Second clip:]
Eggman: Your name, please?
Captain Falcon: Name's Douglas Jay Falcon. Friends call me Captain Falcon, or just Falcon.
Eggman [eyes him suspiciously]: Are you a REAL captain?
Captain Falcon [frankly]: No.
Eggman [awkward position]: Um, OK. Anything else?
Captain Falcon [preparing to tell a long story]: When I was four--
Eggman: Get out.
[Third clip:]
Eggman [a little intimidated]: Why are you here, exactly?
Geese Howard [from the SNK universe]: I am Geese Howard, ruler of Southtown!
Eggman [confused and irritated; scratching own ass]: Aren't you dead?
Geese: Well, you'd THINK I'd be dead, what with having been thrown off the same sixty-story building twice and being zapped by immortality scrolls repeatedly--that didn't quite grant immortality, as it were--by the son of the man who I killed but who now raises MY son!
Eggman [sickened]: Let me show you out the window.
Geese [bows politely]: Let me! [throws himself out the window]
Eggman: I'm glad I'm conducting these interviews on the 70th floor! [looks out window] I don't think he's coming back...
[Fourth clip:]
Eggman [shakes head]: Why are you two here?
Juki [cute Chao voice]: We wanna take over the world!
Shade [cute Chao voice]: In a neutral way!
Juki: Why neutral?
Shade: Because we just wanna have fun!
Juki: Fun's good! Can we have ice cream?
Eggman: Get out.
Shade: No, we wanna have fun!
Juki: Can we jump on your belly?
Shade: Can I sharpen my claws on your belly?
Eggman [tosses them a coloring book]: Take this, go nuts.
[Fifth clip:]
Eggman: Name please.
Farah [from Tales of Destiny 2/Tales of Eternia; speaking in a demanding voice]: I'm Farah Oersted. You KNOW that, Eggman! Where's Quickie!?
Eggman: Just be at the next Sonic Iron Chef!
Farah [stands up and rolls back sleaves]: Don't take me lightly, Eggman! Give back Quickie or I'll kick your fat ass!
Eggman [pissed; stands up; brandishes two guns]: STUPID, AM I!?
Farah: CHI!!! [Farah unleashes a roaring dragon-head shaped energy burst that throws Eggman out the window before he can do anything]
Eggman [falling]: AAAAAAAAAAAAH! REJECTED! [lands in dumpster, whose lid promptly falls on his head] OOOOOWW!!! I've fallen out of the same building twice and lived! You may as well call me Geese!
Geese [laying beside him]: I'm... right here...
Eggman: You just don't die, do you?
[Sixth and final clip in this REALLY long commercial:]
Eggman [bandaged up]: Your name?
Davis [Davis/Daisuke Motomiya from Digimon 02]: I'm Davis! This is Veemon!
Veemon [Davis's Digimon Partner]: Hiya!
Eggman [kinda impressed that this kid has a Digimon]: Hmm, too bad it isn't an angel-type, but... okay, do you know the story of the birds and the bees?
Davis [happy and giddy and squealing; basically being himself]: I LIKE STORIES! DO THE BIRDS AND BEES FIGHT EACH OTHER? ARE THERE ANY DUCKIES AND BUNNIES?
Eggman: Tell me about yourself.
Davis [blinks twice, then speaks]: Um, I have a hot sister--
Eggman: YOU'RE HIRED!!!
Davis [angry]: FINE, I'LL GO HOME!
Veemon [tugging at Davis's shirt]: Um, Davis, he said "hired," not "fired."
Davis [squealing loudly]: OOOOOH!!! No wonder I don't have a job yet!
Eggman: Yeah, whatever. Be here in two days. You'll start with commercial work!
Davis: Hey, that shouldn't be so bad! I get paid 10 dollars an hour to be the narrator of Digimon Tamers! One hour a week, baby!
Eggman [realizing that equates to 10 dollars a week]: Um, Davis, you get more money sitting on your ass.
[Flashback: Davis is sitting on his sofa doing jack-shit when he's hit in the head with a wad of bills. He looks at it, pockets it, and continues doing jack-shit.]
[End interview clips]
Eggman: Okay, Davis and Veemon were the ones hired, already! This commercial is too long!
Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>
CD [Eggman's voice, from nowhere, yet again]: JOIN!
Eggman [losing it]: DAVIS, TAKE THAT FUCKING CD OUT OF THERE!
______________________________________________
This is FAR from over...