Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ The Adventures of Eggman ❯ Episode 4 - "Hamster Implosion!" ( Chapter 4 )

The Adventures of Eggman

A triple team production by:

THE TRIPLE PEEPS

Apollo Alexandre, a.k.a. "Grand Master Shoma" (GMS)

Neusa Gaspar, a.k.a. "Judge Neusy"

Carlos Alexandre, a.k.a. "CMA" (CMA)

http://www.triplepeeps.com/

Judge Neusy: DISCLAIMER: Any characters mentioned in this story that are not the distinctive likenesses of anyone else--including, but not limited to, Sega, Sonic Team, Nintendo, Clamp, Nelvana, Namco, etc.--were created by us, and may not be used without our permission. All characters and distinctive likenesses not created by us are the property of their respective owners.

CMA: We'd like to give out some special thanks to David Hackman (Majere) for some very influential ideas he contributed to both this chapter and the last.

______________________________________________

[The Egg Carrier is speeding towards Earth, when suddenly, within, Eggman hears warning sirens go off.]

Eggman: What the!? [checks the radar] Two ships!? [hits a few buttons to scan the ship; Eggman reads out loud] Space pirates? But I'm not Samus! I won't let them steal MY technology!

[Eggman hits a button, yadda yadda yadda, the space pirate ship explodes. Do we really need to explain why?]

Eggman: Wow, that was simple! Now to join my friends!

______________________________________________

Eggman [serious tone]: The adventures... [gets louder] of MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

♪♫

Clark Kent's super

Bruce Wayne's Batman

Everyone else

Just looooves Eggman!

♪♫

Sonic [pops up out of nowhere]: Not me!

♪♫

Everyone who's evil

Just looooves Eggman!

♪♫

______________________________________________

The Adventures of Eggman

Episode 4:

"Hamster Implosion!"

______________________________________________

COMMERCIAL

Aeris [sickeningly sweet]: Sephy, Sephy! Let's keep some! [is holding some Hamtaro]

Sephy: Sorry, Aeris, but I'm 45% certain that these little hamsters are evil. [skillfully and quickly slashes all the hamsters in Aeris's hands and the rest of the Hamtaro spying on them so quickly, they don't even bleed]

Aeris [to Bob]: Mr. Scottish man, what do I have to do!?

Bob [bad Scottish accent]: Ach, you just read the script! Can ya do that, lass? [hands Aeris the script]

Aeris [grabs it and looks at it with wonder]: Wow, pretty... [starts reading it slowly and carefully]: Forsooth, lo and behold, for I am an egged man. With my skillful and eggy valor, I will purge the mother Earth of dangerous predators... like small animals! Join me and kill small animals! Aren't you annoyed by your children's small animals? Dogs, cats, hamsters, who needs 'em! Join and KILL! [teary-eyed] But I like kitties and puppies!

Bob: Ach, that sucked, but it's STILL the best I've heard out of anyone but the boss! You're hired!

Aeris: I thought I was already hired!

Sephiroth [pulls out sword]: Yes, that's the impression that my friend, Mr. Masamune, had as well.

Bob [slightly frightened]: Ach, that's right!

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

CD [Eggman's voice]: JOIN!

______________________________________________

[Somewhere in the middle of the ocean, one disgruntled pink hedgehog seeks refuge atop a floating sofa.]

Amy [discouraged]: Mama told me there'd be days like this... she said, "Amy, you listen to yo' mama, 'cause yo' mama, she's good at givin' advice!" But she never finished that thought! I need closure! [screams] I NEED CLOSURE!!!

[Suddenly, nearby, Amy sees what appears to be a space pirate battleship crashing into the waters. Amy braced herself as the shockwave rocked her sofa.]

Amy [trying to see]: What the hell? What was that thing?

Space Pirate A [grabbing the side of the sofa with its claws (these are Metroid space pirates); demonic space voice]: UM, EXCUSE ME, CAN WE TAKE REFUGE ON YOUR FLOATING PIECE OF UPHOLSTERY?

Amy [readies her Pico Pico Hammer]: No! Stay back!

Space Pirate B [climbing on]: OH, COME ON, WE DON'T BITE ANYMORE-- [gets smacked by said hammer] OOOOWWWWWW!!! [falls into the water]

Amy [fighting off a space pirate whose head got caught under her skirt]: STOPITSTOPITSTOPIT!!! [smacking this pirate repeatedly]

[As this fight continues...]

______________________________________________

Captain Falcon [trying to protect Sakura and Shaoron]: Grr... this doesn't look good, children!

Sakura: And the cards keep disappearing! FIERY! [blows away many hamsters, whose faces turn into Mickey Rooney]

Shaoron [slashing away at Mickey Rooney hamsters]: We can't keep doing this! I can't believe I'm saying this, but we need Eggman! [attacks groups of hamsters with lightning whose faces turn into Mickey Rooney again]

Captain Falcon: Falcon... PUNCH!!! [His flaming punch disintegrates several screaming hamsters]

[Suddenly, all the hamsters stop their offensive, and a lone figure walks up to our heroes.]

Shaoron [angry]: YOU!

Eggboy [smiling evilly, with Meilin hanging off his arm]: Well, young mistress of the cards, her young guardian-turned-lover, and... Captain Falcon. You've caused me a lot of trouble! Do you know how many Hamtaro I've had to manipulate to get this far?

Sakura: 1,987,324?

Eggboy [thinking for a moment]: ... Actually, that's exactly right! Amazing!

Captain Falcon: How'd you know, Sakura?

[Sakura shrugs.]

Eggboy [pulls out a Sakura Card]: Your reward, for being so damn clever, is to watch this happy little card get destroyed! [He flips it, and it turns out to be the Hope card.]

Sakura [panicking]: NO!

Shaoron: YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!

Captain Falcon: DEAR GOD NO!!! I LEFT THE FALCON FLYER'S KEYS IN THE STAFF ROOM!!! DAMMIT, I HAVE A RACE TOMORROW!!!

Eggboy [pulls out a mini paper-shredder]: OBSERVE!!! [shreds the Hope card]

Sakura [kneeling]: What have you done?

Eggboy [grinning]: Heh, and I've taken out your other missing cards as well! And soon... THE WORLD!!! AHAHAHA--

Eggman: NOT SO FAST!!!

[Captain Falcon, Sakura, and Shaoron turn to see none other than Dr. Eggman, armed to the teeth with guns.]

Sakura: Eggman-kun!

Shaoron: Finally!

Captain Falcon: IT'S ABOUT FREAKING TIME!!!

[Eggman proceeds to mow down the hamster legions as Eggboy and Meilin vanish from sight. We won't bother to explain the gory lumps of Hamtaro and Mickey Rooney faces.]

Eggman [sounding noble]: It isn't safe here! Come aboard the Egg Carrier! We'll meet up with the Cronies and formulate a plan!

Sakura: What about the other children at school!? And the city?

Eggman [sounding jackass-ish]: Eh, we'll save them later! Now MOVE! [trying to sound important] There's precious little time!

Captain Falcon: Heh, good one Eggman!

Eggman [all happy]: Heh, thanks! Now STOP WASTING SAID PRECIOUS TIME!!!

Shaoron [looking at the hamster, um, "pile"]: I feel for the poor soul who has to clean this mess...

______________________________________________

Tails: Can they help him?

Tomoyo: Sure they can! My maids can do anything! Cutie Sonikku will be okay in no time!

Shadow: Now, as for the food you assured us you have--

Knuckles [bursting through Tomoyo's front door; speaking calmly]: You left us to die and now you face Knuckles's wrath!

Tomoyo [looking at Knuckles, then speaks to one of her maids]: Feed that poor skinny anteater!

Knuckles [happy]: NOW you're talking!!! Three sammiches to go, seal voose plate! [trying to impress Rouge with his French "knowledge"]

[Rouge says nothing, but just stares at Knuckles in disgust.]

Knuckles [to maids]: And some clothes for my whore friend, here. [Gets roundhouse kicked into the wall]

Eggman [bursting through the window]: WORD UP, BITCHES!!!

Shadow [surprised]: Eggman, how did you know we were all here?

Eggman [confused]: What? I didn't! I came to speak to Tomoyo!

Tomoyo [death glare to Eggman]: What is it, Eggy-chan?

Eggman [pulls out a pad of sticky notes]: A moment... [writes the Kanji symbols for SEAL on the sticky, then] STUN SPELL!!! [sticks it, rather HARD, on Tomoyo's forehead]

Knuckles [feeling the fallen Tomoyo's pulse]: I think you knocked her out!

Eggman: Your point being?

______________________________________________

[In one of the Daidouji residence bedrooms, Sonic is recuperating while watching some of Tomoyo's home videos, when he sees... Eggman?]

Sonic [shocked]: WHAT!?

______________________________________________

[The video...]

Eggman [yelling to Sakura]: Hurry, Sakura-chan! I'll distract the Earthy card! [starts shooting at the giant rock-snake form that Earthy took] DIE!!! HAHAHAHA!!!

[The video continues to show sort of what happened in the Earthy card episode, except that Eggman is fighting alongside Sakura and Shaoron.]

______________________________________________

Tails [walks into the room]: Hey, Sonic, you watching Tomoyo's videos?

Sonic [still shocked]: YES!

Tails: You're surprised that Eggman's in it, right?

Sonic: YES! [a second later] YOU KNEW!?

Tails: Mm hmm. The episodes left Eggman out for... political reasons.

Sonic [cocking eyebrow; cynical tone]: I... see... [changes subject; hops out of bed] Good as new! Thanks, buddy! Now to go kill Knuckles and Rouge!

Tails: And save the world?

Sonic: ... Shit.

______________________________________________

[The players are in place and after exchanging stories/threatening notes to each other, they brainstorm what to do next.]

Rouge [to Eggman]: I can't believe what you did to that poor Farah girl.

Eggman: Well, Reid and I discussed shit, yadda yadda yadda, I made a confident grown woman cry using words.

Captain Falcon [snickering]: Eggboy! HAHAHA! [points to Eggman] You have a son!

Eggman: Me? A son!? No way!

Captain Falcon [puts a hand on Eggman's shoulder]: No worries, *I* have a son!

Eggman [puzzled]: You have a son?

Captain Falcon [surprised and shocked]: I HAVE A SON!?

Eggman: Ya, wasn't it that Kent Akechi fellow from F-Zero Maximum Velocity?

Captain Falcon: Who? Maximum whatsit?

Shaoron [ashamed to be part of this group]: Can we get back to the situation at hand?

Sonic [to Tails]: Have a plan, little smart buddy?

Tails [announcing-type voice]: Actually, Eggman and I have formulated a strategy to use in this most dire of situations! [to Eggman] Hit it, Eggman!

Eggman [singing]:

♪♫

Billy Jean, she's not my lover! OH!!!

She's just a girl who thinks that *I* am the one!

But Eggboy is not my son!

♪♫

Shadow [yelling]: EGGMAN!!!

Eggman [coming to]: Oh, right, the plan! Firstly, we will divide into three teams: Ivo, Egg, and Man. Team Ivo will consist of myself as the leader, Sakura-chan, Sonic, and Shadow.

Sonic [grimacing at the team names; sarcastic]: Surprise, surprise.

Eggman: Team Egg will be Rouge, Knuckles, Tails, and Shaoron. [to Li] Shaoron, you seem to be the most qualified to lead this ragtag bunch of animal-people, so you're the leader.

Knuckles [pissed off]: Hey, what is this shit? [glares at Li, who glares back, scaring Knuckles]

Eggman: Finally, Team Man will consist of Captain Falcon... that is all.

Captain Falcon: Alone? [trying to look cool] Well, I'm that damn good, right children?

[Sakura and Shaoron look at each other, concerned for their new gym teacher.]

Eggman: Okay, Tails, the map please!

[Tails turns on a projector to show a map of an island just off Japan's shore, next to Akuma's island. The islands are clearly marked AKUMA'S ISLAND (DON'T GO HERE) and EGGBOY'S STRONGHOLD.]

Eggman [pulls a pointy pointing stick thing out of thin air]: Right. Here (points to Eggboy's stronghold) is where this supposed "Eggboy" resides. [Tails clicks a button and another slide comes up showing the stronghold in much greater detail]

Knuckles [cynical; interrupting]: Whoa, whoa, whoa there Caligula. How come Rouge is such a whore?

Rouge [ashamed of Knuckles]: For a moment, I thought you were going to ask a decent question, like, "Where did you get all this detailed info, Eggman?"

Eggman [ignoring the question]: Any further questions? [continues] Anyway, the outer perimeter is being guarded by umpteen thousands of evil hamsters... and Meilin. [MEILIN is clearly marked off on the map for some reason] Team Man will punch a hole through the outer perimeter of deadly hamsters, gun turrets, and Meilin.

Captain Falcon: I wasn't worried until you mentioned turrets. [worried] But not Meilin! I have to protect the children! I'll try un-brainwashing her instead.

Eggman: Team Egg will use my new Egg-submarine--powered by Knuckles [no one notices the last three words]--and invade the secret tunnels beneath the stronghold and launch a surprise attack to the base's interior. Team Ivo, via the Egg Carrier, will attack from above with guns blazing, partly to draw fire from Teams Egg and Man. Hopefully, we'll also draw out Eggboy and Hamtaro.

Sakura [interrupting]: Um, Eggman-kun, if two teams are already more or less guaranteed entry into Eggboy's base, why does sensei [referring to Captain Falcon] have to fight alone against the countless hamsters, deadly gun turrets, and brainwashed Meilin?

Eggman: Well, how ELSE is he going to get in?

Sakura: But it's--

Eggman: A perfect plan? Yeah, I know! [points to the base's core] All teams' main goal is to reach the core and stop whatever it is that Eggboy will use to destroy/rule Earth. However, if the situation changes, I'll let you all know and your respective team leaders will improvise as necessary. Oh, before I forget! For those of you without Crony-phones, [pulls out a briefcase] take these communicator watches! They can interact with the Crony-phones and also even jam enemy communications if necessary!

Captain Falcon [thinking]: How will I get to the island, Dr. Eggman?

Eggman [tosses a keycard to Captain Falcon]: My Egg-boat is parked at the harbor! Any other requests?

Shaoron [not at all trying to hide his disgust]: I request a new team. [Knuckles and Rouge are having a violent tug-of-war, using Tails as the rope; Tails breaks free and starts slamming Knuckles and Rouge into each other, which Knuckles uses to try to cop a few feels from Rouge.]

Eggman [analyzing the situation]: Request denied. I thought long and hard about who should team up with who--

Shaoron: I bet you thought of it on the spot just now.

Eggman: ...

Shaoron: ...

Eggman: ... Anyway, if you're all prepared, let's DO THIS THING!

______________________________________________

[Captain Falcon, on the Eggman-face-shaped Egg-boat, is speeding towards Eggboy's island. He sees hamsters from the island try to swim out and engage him, but then the hamsters float to the surface, dead. The rest hold their ground, having learned their harsh lesson.]

Captain Falcon [cocky]: Hmm... I KNOW! I'LL USE THE BOAT'S MOMENTUM TO CRASH THROUGH THE DOOR!

[The Egg-boat is about to hit shore, then... it hits shore and stops dead. Captain Falcon tries to rev it some more (boats rev?), but it doesn't go anywhere.]

Captain Falcon: Oh fuckers!

[He hops out of the boat to come face-to-face with small angry rodents, rotating heat-tracking guns, and one evil-looking brainwashed Chinese girl cracking her knuckles in anticipation of hurting one upstart F-Zero racer.]

Captain Falcon [worried]: This might take me longer than I thought. I wonder if Team Egg's doing okay down there...

______________________________________________

[Egg-submarine, which, as it turns out, is powered by one echidna on a conveyer belt running as hard as he can.]

Knuckles [tired; huffing and puffing]: I don't see why Dr. Eggman made this thing only work with me.

Rouge [mean]: Good, do some ACTUAL WORK for a change! [files nails]

Knuckles [slowing down; about to collapse]: I can't take it anymore--

Shaoron [to Rouge]: Rouge?

Rouge [knows exactly what she has to do]: Fine, but he better not make a big deal out of this...

[A few moments later, Knuckles is running faster than ever, as Rouge is now sitting topless as bait for Knuckles.]

Rouge [filing nails]: How long do I have to keep this up, Shaoron?

Shaoron: We're almost there!

Tails [steering sub; madly blushing]: Um, I wish Knuckles had a camera--

Knuckles [drooling]: I need titty-licious tits! Made of 100% real tits! Come to papa!

______________________________________________

[Team Ivo awaits in the Egg Carrier.]

Eggman [at the helm]: Sakura-chan, how many cards do you have left, and which ones?

Sakura [sounds concerned]: Five. Fiery, Jump, Shield, Time, and Dash.

Eggman: I see. Fuck, there goes 65% of my original Team Ivo plan.

Sonic [cocking an eyebrow]: You based your attack around what you hoped Sakura would have left?

Shadow: That's pretty lazy, Eggman.

Eggman: Why thank you! [giddy] Oh, the heck with it! I've got some napalm I've been saving for just such an occasion!

Sonic: Let me guess; its original purpose was to burn down Tails's pad, right?

Eggman: Precisely! Sakura, get the Fiery card and help me out!

Sakura [wondering why she still has to fight demonic things]: Hoeee...

Eggman [hits a button]: Commence Operation Hamster Burn!

[Without needing to explain everything, lets just say that there's crispy fried hamster meat/Mickey Rooney faces littering the top of Eggboy's base.]

______________________________________________

COMMERCIAL

[Shaking...]

Sephiroth [worried]: I don't like this. Chaos reigns outside, and the world cries out in agony. And it isn't my fault this time! Aeris, what are you doing?

Aeris [hyper-giddy]: LOOK SEPHY! It's the Pretty Princess Death Generals!

[Aeris shows off the "group," some of which don't know why they're there and are all in their normal attire: Hungry Phil (face not shown), Random Person A (from our Cronies fics), Ky Kiske (Guilty Gear), Jam (Guilty Gear), and Kyo Kusanagi (King of Fighters)]

Aeris: Aren't they awesome, Sephy?

Sephy [to Kyo]: Why are you here?

Kyo [shrugs]: I dunno. It's better than school, I guess.

Random Person A [loud and annoying]: THIS IS WHY YOU ALWAYS FAIL!!!

Ky [to Jam; blushing because he likes her but is shy (see Jam's third ending in GGX2)]: Um, Jam, why are we here again?

Jam [putting a finger to her chin, thinking]: I'm not sure! I met this Aeris girl when she came to my restaurant, and she invited me here for "yummy goodness" or something like that--

Aeris [suddenly right in front of Jam]: Yummy goodness!!!

[Jam leaps about seven feet into the air and lands in Ky's arms; Ky fights off a nosebleed out of sheer willpower.]

[A few moments later, everyone's quiet and calm (except Ky's mind). Sephiroth checks his wristwatch, making no attempt to hide the fact that he's bored out of his freaking mind.]

Aeris [out of left field with a ball of thread and a sewing needle]: Tch. You know what you all need? Stitches!

[Ky grabs Jam's arm and bolts; Kyo is already gone; Hungry Phil is nowhere to be found.]

[Random Person A is about to escape, but is caught by Aeris's iron grip.]

Aeris: YOU'RE FIRST!!!

Sephiroth: I'm so sorry for what she's about to do to you.

[Random Person A's screams echo across the globe.]

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

CD [Eggman's voice, from nowhere]: JOIN!

______________________________________________

[Distracted by the sudden attack on the roof, as well as a mysterious scream from elsewhere on the globe, the hamsters fighting Captain Falcon have scattered and the few that remain are trying to escape. Having destroyed the turrets, Captain Falcon's sole opponent is... Meilin.]

Captain Falcon [pleading]: Meilin, I don't want to hurt-- [gets kicked in the face and sent flying; pulls his face out of the ground] OH!!! NO MERCY FOR YOU!!! FALCON KICK!!! [kicks right back into the fray, where he and Meilin fight at incredible velocity]

Meilin [brainwashed]: Must... kill... sensei...

Captain Falcon [still fighting]: Wake up, you crazy kid! Don't you see that you and Eggboy aren't meant to be? He's only using you for his mad plans and probably casual sex later on! [thinks for a moment] Note to self: brainwash Samus! [giggles stupidly] hee hee hee...

[Meilin throws Captain Falcon into the base's outer wall and continues to pummel him. Captain Falcon catches one of her kicks and throws her into the spot on the wall where he was thrown. Meilin counters Captain Falcon's follow-up by using his energy to further push him into the wall. The fight continues like this, with both warriors getting thrown into that same spot, deeper and deeper until, with one mighty Falcon Kick... they break through.]

Captain Falcon [standing, quite injured, over a now knocked out Meilin]: HA! TAKE THAT, UNCONSCIOUS LITTLE GIRL--HOLY SHIT, WHAT HAVE I DONE!? Hang on, Meilin, I just happen to know how to un-brainwash people! [yells right in Meilin's ear] YOU ARE NO LONGER BRAINWASHED!

Meilin [coming to her senses]: Wha-- what? What's going on? What happened?

Captain Falcon: Eggboy hypnotized you, that diabolical! Take that boat and go!

Meilin [shakes head]: No, I remember everything now. I must atone for what I've done!

Captain Falcon [indifferent]: Meh, either way is good. Let's go!

Meilin: Hai!

Captain Falcon [looks confused]: That means "yes," right?

Meilin [nods]: Hai. But those hamsters [points] are stealing your boat.

Captain Falcon [turns to see the hamsters take off with the boat, then... the boat explodes]: Must've been a failsafe. That or Eggman just tried to kill me. Meh, either way is good!

______________________________________________

[Team Egg has entered the base and headed toward the core, when...]

Knuckles [jackass voice]: I THINK WE'RE LOST!!!

Rouge [pissed off; low voice]: Shut up, you'll give away our position.

Knuckles [feeling cool]: Is it a... "licious"-position, babe?

Rouge [confused]: What does that even mean?

Knuckles [slick voice]: Let papa bear show you! [gets shocked by Li]

Shaoron [commanding voice]: That's enough! We have to meet the others and find the core!

[Suddenly, a group of hamsters appears ahead of our heroes. Is it the end? No, because Captain Falcon breaks through the floor (?) ahead of our heroes and, using a turret he tore out of the roof (how is it powered?) shoots up some Mickey Rooney hamster.]

Meilin [jumping out of the floor that Captain Falcon broke through]: Everyone okay?

Tails: We're all fine. You're Meilin, right? Tails, pleased to meet you!

Captain Falcon [finishing off some stray hamsters]: C'mon, let's find that core, children! Oh, and... Knuckles.

Knuckles [not impressed]: Yay.

______________________________________________

[The Eggboy Core...]

Eggboy [standing in front of a mysterious device (tm)]: So it all comes down to this.

Hamtaro [the *REAL* Hamtaro]: Soon, we will rule over the pathetic humans with an iron fist of pure iron!

Eggboy [pulls out a gun and points it at Hamtaro]: Alas, you'd think that, but I'm afraid my goal doesn't involve small semi-sentient rodents.

Hamtaro [angry]: YOU USED ME-- [gets shot; face/voice turns into Mickey Rooney] WHAT YOU DO? WHAT YOU PLANNING?

Eggboy [continues to point the gun at Hamtaro]: You cannot understand what will be. Today's battle is lost, because soon, very soon, I will win the war. [shoots repeatedly]

Eggman [points own gun at Eggboy]: Drop your weapon, imposter! Faker and such!

Eggboy [points rapidly at Eggman]: Farewell, "dad."

Sakura: TIME!

Shadow: CHAOS CONTROL!

[Eggboy is frozen and cannot move; he drops his weapon.]

Eggman [sounding sinister]: And now, to kill you! [fires off several rounds, but they all magically curve around Eggboy and hit... Hamtaro]

Hamtaro [Mickey Rooney voice]: WHY DOESN'T THE HURTING STOP? [explodes]

Sakura: Eggman!

Eggman [surprised]: It wasn't supposed to curve! I was going to crush Hamtaro under my foot, not blow him up with bullets!

Sonic [matter-of-factly]: Um, Sakura and Shadow cannot hold their time stop. [Sakura and Shadow are weakening]

Eggman [to Sonic]: Then why don't YOU use your Time Stop?

Sonic: C'mon, that was only for the versus mode!

Eggman: Touché.

[Sakura and Shadow have to release their abilities. At this, Sakura's remaining cards all fly toward Eggboy, who snatches them.]

Eggboy [smiling wickedly]: Check and mate, card mistress! [Eggboy pulls out a katana, throws up the remaining cards, and slashes them in half at superhuman speed; as he does so, the mysterious machine behind him starts to light up and come to life.]

Sakura [sad]: Why did you need to destroy the cards?

Eggboy [cocky smile]: You'd like that wouldn't you? For me to spill my plans. But I think not. Farewell--

[Suddenly, Eggboy is struck very hard into a railing by Meilin, who jumped from the roof and kicked him.]

Meilin [VERY pissed off]: THAT'S WHAT YOU GET, LITTLE BITCH! I'M GONNA KICK YOU UNTIL WELL AFTER YOU'RE DEAD!

Shaoron [slightly frightened; appears beside Meilin]: Holy cow, Meilin, calm down--

Meilin [demon look]: EITHER HELP ME KICK HIS ASS OR SHUT UP!!!

Knuckles [also there; holding a hot dog for some reason; speaking with his mouth full]: SHEESH, MEILIN, YOU COULD AT LEAST BE POLITE--

[At that, Meilin grabs Knuckles and uses him as a blunt weapon to hit Eggboy repeatedly. Li is parrying Eggboy's blade at the same time.]

Sonic [confused]: Whoa, whoa, whoa. [everyone, including Eggboy, Shaoron, and Meilin, stop as Sonic points at Knuckles] WHERE did you get a hot dog?

Knuckles [shrugs shoulders]: What do I like, a detective?

Eggboy [using the pause to teleport away; his voice echoes]: We will meet again!

Eggman [at the mysterious machine]: Fascinating! This machine was designed to use the imbalance caused by the cards' destruction and my absence to generate power! It isn't really a weapon, but more like a giant battery that sucks the life out of the planet!

Sonic [cracks knuckles]: So, how do I destroy it?

Eggman [thinks of something]: Not yet, Sonic! [makes some modifications to the machine's programming] I've changed what this machine can do! Now, I have to go! When you see all the hamsters here come back to life--

All except Eggman [shocked]: WHAT!?

Eggman [angry]: Hey, SHUT UP! I'm talking, here! Anyway, when they come back to life, hit this red "Implosion" button!

Sonic [cocks eyebrow]: I don't like this...

Sakura [shaking head]: Oh no, I think I know what's going to happen.... do you have to, Eggman-kun? [Eggman's gone]

Sonic: Dammit, that fat ass sure is stealthy for a fat ass!

Shaoron: Agreed.

______________________________________________

[Meanwhile, at the Fountain of Dreams, Kirby is enjoying a nice picnic, when--]

Eggman [casually]: Hey Kirby.

Kirby [freaks out]: WAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! What are you doing here?

Eggman: I want that wish now!

Kirby [annoyed]: Wait 'till I'm done with my picnic--

Eggman [food stains]: Did you say something? I was eating your picnic.

Kirby [further annoyed]: Fine, let's go.

Eggman [clasps hands, wipes food from mustache, then clasps hands again]: I wish for everything that was destroyed or killed because of Eggboy and the evil hamsters to be restored. [points gun at fountain] And I mean it this time, fountain!

Kirby [confused and irritated]: Evil hamsters!?

______________________________________________

[The Eggboy Core, where the group is facing a revived Hamtaro and his minions.]

Hamtaro [MAJOR demonic voice]: YOU DIE THIS TIME!

Captain Falcon: Sonic, press the button!

Tails [to Sakura]: You're right, I know *exactly* what's going to happen right now. You might want to turn away.

Sakura [already covering eyes; Shaoron is hugging her]: Think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts...

Meilin [wondering what Tails is talking about]: What do you *mean* [thinks about when Eggman mentioned an "Implosion" button; low voice]--oh dear god...

[Sonic hits the button.]

Shadow [shaking head]: May god have mercy on our souls for having to watch this...

[Suddenly, rapidly but one-by-one, all the evil hamsters start... imploding violently and completely (as in no matter being left behind), leaving a final death noise that is sickening the group.]

Knuckles [still eating]: Wow, I thought I'd be throwing up by now. [takes another bite]

Tails [answering his ringing Crony-phone]: Hello? ... Hey, what's up? ... Yeah, it's happening right now, you sicko ... she can't watch it ... worldwide effect? ALL HAMSTERS WILL IMPLODE!? ... Oh, only evil ones, okay. Thanks, Eggman! ... ... Hey, Kirby. ... No, I don't know why Eggman wanted us to talk--I stopped trying to figure him out a looooooong time ago ... well, later. [Tails hangs up] Eggman says--

Sonic: We know, we heard.

Shadow: I have a feeling that we haven't seen the last of Eggboy...

______________________________________________

[Yadda yadda yadda, everyone parts, says goodbye and goes home, Knuckles finishes his hot dog and gets food poisoning, Rouge laughs at him, the Sonic crew and CCS peeps part on friendly terms and will say "hi" from time to time, etc. OH, and Captain Falcon found his keys, but some young punks sprayed cuss words on his Falcon Flyer. May they rest in peace... pieces...]

[OH SHIT, we forgot Amy, didn't we? Fine, let's say she was saved by... oh, let's say... Akuma. Yeah, that'll do.]

______________________________________________

Eggboy: Hehehe... just like I planned...

______________________________________________

COMMERCIAL

Aeris [stitching Random Person A to the wall]: Sephy, I'm bored!

Sephy [ignoring Aeris]: I'm telling you, a burger is a sandwich!

Vectorman [you should know his voice by now...]: Yo, yo, yo, that's fucked up! A burger is a burger! And that's all it is!

Sephiroth [getting annoyed]: Buddy, look; a sandwich consists of bread, filling, bread. That's what a burger is, dumbass! GOD!

Vectorman: Oooh, I'm glad you have a "sandwich hierarchy" all planned out to follow! You big fruit!

Sephiroth [getting seriously pissed]: LOOK, IDIOT, YOU AREN'T MAKING ANY VALID POINTS! IT DOESN'T MATTER IF FILLING IS HAM AND CHEESE OR GROUND BEEF! IT'S STILL A FUCKING SANDWICH!

Vectorman [yelling back]: BUT IT'S BECAUSE OF THE GROUND BEEF THAT MAKES IT A BURGER, *SEPARATE* FROM A SANDWICH*!

Sephiroth [looking very annoyed]: ARE YOU A FOOL? DO YOU LACK BASIC EDUCATION? WHAT'S TWO PLUS TWO? FUCKING *FOUR*!!! WHAT'S FILLING WITH TWO PIECES OF BREAD!? A MOTHER-FUCKING *SANDWICH*!!!

Vectorman [thinking]: Are you saying that I don't know two plus two is four?

Sephiroth [losing it]: NO!!! NO!!! I'M NOT SAYING THAT AT ALL!!! WHAT THE FLYING FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH YOU!? I'M SAYING THAT A BURGER IS TECHNICALLY A SANDWICH, AND GIVING YOU VALID PROOF WHY!!!

Vectorman [holding up a hand]: Don't get technical with me, Sephiroth. It won't work. Fuck. Word.

Sephiroth [throwing up arms in the air]: SOMETIMES I DON'T KNOW WHY I EVEN BOTHER TALKING TO YOU! FUCKING IDIOT!

Vectorman: Jackass.

Sephiroth: MORON!

Bob: Ach, that was pretty funny! But they'll be gone by nightfall, I know it! [enjoys a burger (sandwich?)]

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

CD [Eggman's voice, from nowhere, yet again]: JOIN!

______________________________________________

Talk amongst yourselves. Topic: is a burger also a sandwich? Go ahead.