Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ The Adventures of Eggman ❯ Episode 5 - "The Ol' Switcheroo!" ( Chapter 5 )

The Adventures of Eggman

A triple team production by:

THE TRIPLE PEEPS

Apollo Alexandre, a.k.a. "Grand Master Shoma" (GMS)

Neusa Gaspar, a.k.a. "Judge Neusy"

Carlos Alexandre, a.k.a. "CMA" (CMA)

http://www.triplepeeps.com/

Judge Neusy: DISCLAIMER: Any characters mentioned in this story that are not the distinctive likenesses of anyone else--including, but not limited to, Sega, Sonic Team, Nintendo, Clamp, Nelvana, Namco, Koshi Rikdo, etc.--were created by us, and may not be used without our permission. All characters and distinctive likenesses not created by us are the property of their respective owners.

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[Eggman's apartment (remember?). Eggman and his best friends, Bowser and Il Palazzo, are playing Super Monkey Ball 2 on Eggman's GameCube. Specifically, they're playing Monkey Bowling 2.]

Il Palazzo [bowls using his favorite monkey, AiAi]: C'mon, you stupid monkey! Get a strike or I'll feed you to my lions!

Eggman [cynical]: You don't have lions!

Il Palazzo [all proud of himself]: You'd be surprised how well a job they do of guarding my aquatic labyrinth--

Eggman [thinking of the Labyrinth Zone]: YOU STOLE MY BIT!!!

[On-screen, AiAi plows through all the pins, where they flip in midair, collide with each other, and, when all is said and done, all land upright.]

Il Palazzo [vein visible in forehead]: Why am I cursed? THIS STUPID MONKEY IS NOT OBEDIENT!!! [points to the screen] BAD MONKEY!!!

Bowser: Now it's time to roll with Baby! [Baby, by the way, is accurate but lacks power and ability to curve. Bowser aims at the back-left-most pin VERY slowly. Baby hits, and the pin falls just right to knock down every other pin. A strike. Bowser gets up and starts dancing.]

Il Palazzo [another vein]: This game fucking sucks!

Eggman [asshole]: Just like in real life! You can't even conquer a measly city!

Il Palazzo [angry]: HEY, IT'S A FAIR-SIZED CITY! And look at you, *Ivo*. Your pathetic world-conquering attempts are always foiled by meter-tall animal people. Sonic the Hedgehog would bow to my power in no time!

Bowser [depressed]: And I keep getting beat by that fat-ass plumber, his gay-ass brother, and their fag-ass green dinosaur.

Eggman [cups chin in thought]: Hmm... perhaps, my friends, we are going about this the wrong way. Maybe some fresh ideas are in order! Bowser, leave Mario to me; I'll have Peach begging to give you head in no time!

Bowser: Hey, that could work! And I could level that City of F in no time flat, Illy!

Il Palazzo [pondering]: And I know the perfect means for which to dispose of Sonic the Hedgehog! Perfect!

Eggman [raising hand]: It's agreed! We kill each other's enemies, conquer their respective cities/kingdoms, then... take it from there! ... After monkeys.

[They continue bowling.]

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Eggman [serious tone]: The adventures... [gets louder] of MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

♪♫

Clark Kent's super

Bruce Wayne's Batman

Everyone else

Just looooves Eggman!

♪♫

Sonic [pops up out of nowhere]: Not me!

♪♫

Everyone who's evil

Just looooves Eggman!

♪♫

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The Adventures of Eggman

Episode 5:

"The Ol' Switcheroo!"

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COMMERCIAL

Bob: ...

[The commercial set is empty. Eggman went off to the Mushroom Kingdom and didn't select someone to take over...]

Bob [bad Scottish accent]: Ach, this could get bad fast--

[Suddenly, Il Palazzo's theme song starts playing (you'll have to watch Excel Saga to hear it, we're afraid...).]

Il Palazzo [emerging from a cloud of smoke]: Greetings and salutations, Bob the cameraman! I will be taking Eggman's place for a little while! [to camera] Greetings, "Stationed Squares!" I am Il Palazzo, the leader of the secret ideological organization ACROSS! D'oh, I shouldn't have said that out loud--screw it! I am here to give every man, woman, and child a choice; join the Eggman Empire or kill yourself, lest you perish in a sea of fiery death! You have until midnight tonight to decide! [walks off] Ta ta, all!

Bob [slightly scared]: Ach, that was intimidating!

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

CD [Eggman's voice]: JOIN!

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[Eggman Café. Sonic and Tails are chillin'. They just saw Il Palazzo's Eggman Empire commercial.]

Tails [cocks an eyebrow]: Did I hear that right, Sonic?

Sonic: Yeah. I guess Eggman has powerful friends. Word is that he, Bowser, and Il Palazzo swapped places or something. Heh, I wonder how that fat fuck plumber is doing against fat fuck Eggman right now...

[Suddenly, Il Palazzo's theme is heard... from thin air? Il Palazzo majestically enters the café.]

Il Palazzo [all polite]: Ah, greetings, Sonic the Hedgehog and Miles Prower! I thought I should introduce myself before we begin working together!

Sonic [cynical]: Together? Working?

Il Palazzo [sits at their table]: Indeed. Now, I don't know quite how Eggman ran things around here, but I felt that for us to work smoothly, I should give you a sample of my ruthlessness. [gets up and walks off] I just bombed your table. Ciao!

[Sonic and Tails leap away. Knuckles sits down, returning from the bathroom.]

Knuckles: Hey, guys, what's the rush?

Sonic [panic]: KNUCKLES, GET OUT OF THERE!!!

Knuckles [not yet worried]: Hmm... I'll assume it's a bomb. [screams and runs away, slow-motion, as the table explodes. Damage to the café, though, is minimal.]

Sonic [breathing heavily]: That son of a bitch! That was low! Dirty, even!

[Shadow, Rouge, and Amy walk into the Eggman café, not yet noticing the flaming wooden table.]

Rouge [first to notice]: ... The hell!? What in god's name happened?

Sonic [freaking out]: Il Palazzo nearly killed us!!!

Knuckles: And blew up our table!

Shadow [angry]: That fucker. That was a nice spot. [reminiscing] I drew on that table...

Amy: Um, guys? This could be bad. Shouldn't we try to stop Il Palazzo, and his floating mobile fortress of death we saw on the way over?

Sonic [freaking out again]: FLYING DEATH FORTRESS OF THE WHICH!?

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[Mushroom Kingdom, in front of Peach's castle. Eggman walks up to the door, humming the Mario Bros. theme.]

Eggman [happy]: That's a nice tune! [Calmly and coolly produces two giant guns out of nowhere and starts shooting at the castle door.]

[Within, we can hear rumbling.]

Luigi [calm, semi-sane Luigi from Mario Kart/Party/Golf/etc. (NOT from SSBM)]: Toad, was that-a you or was that-a me?

Toad: I dunno, it may have been a lawnmowerAAAAAA-- [the wall behind Toad crumbles and falls on him. Standing atop the rubble is armed Eggman.]

Eggman [crazy-formidable mode]: I OWN YOU BITCHES!!! MWAHAHA!!! [shoots some more; Luigi runs off like a girl]

[Throne room.]

Peach [sitting on her throne, not doing anything in particular]: My life is boring. You know what would be cool? If a gun-wielding maniac broke in here and kidnapped me!

Mario [also there]: But Peach, shouldn't-a we be-a happy for the peace we have? Bowser, I hear, is-a taking another vacation!

[Suddenly, Luigi runs into the room, panting heavily.]

Luigi: A gun-wielding-a maniac is-a here! He killed-a Toad, and is probably-a here to kidnap Peach!

Peach [eyes light up]: Really? AND he killed Toad?

[As if on cue, Eggman jumps through the room's window.]

Mario [confused]: Why would he-a break-a through the window if he was already inside?

Eggman: I'm one for fashionable entrances. [pulls out a tranquilizer gun, aims, and shoots at Peach's neck]

Peach [feeling woozy]: Whoa, this never happened before. [passes out]

Eggman [to the Mario Bros.]: It's so she struggles less.

[Mario and Luigi look at each other and begin discussing how Bowser never tried knocking out Peach. As they do so, the dumb fucks, Eggman picks up Peach, presses a button on some remote device, and jumps into his Eggmobile that just flew through another window, breaking it. He leaves, laughing.]

Luigi [looking at the flying away Eggman]: Damn. You should've-a saved her, Mario!

Mario [angry]: HEY! You didn't-a do anything either!

[Mario and Luigi start yelling Italian profanities at each other. For like fifteen minutes. Then they start slapping each other.]

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[The City of F. ACROSS underground headquarters. Bowser is trying to get comfy in Il Palazzo's chair/throne (what's with all the thrones?).]

Bowser [struggling to fit in the throne]: Gah, ugh, c'mon! Better get a pot of coffee out--this might take a while! [fits in] Ah, there we go!

Hyatt [speaking weakly, as Hyatt always dies...]: I thought that we were missing one leader, but then I saw the memo on how Lord Bowser will be taking over for a brief period of time. [Hyatt lifts her hand] HAIL, LORD BOWSER-- [she's starts coughing up blood, then collapses, dead. Bowser looks at her funny.]

Bowser: No wonder Illy fails all the time. With henchmen like these, I'd want to fail all the time myself! [looks at a clipboard] Now, isn't there one missing hench-wench, Excel Excel? [Bowser looks confused] Mario Mario, and now Excel Excel? That's TOO much of a freaking coincidence.

Excel [running in]: HAIL, LORD IL PALAZZO!!! WOW, Excel didn't know it was Halloween! That turtle is freaking UGLY, Lord Il Palazzo!

[Bowser looks at the rope that Il Palazzo told him about, but instead decides to breathe fire on a now-burnt Excel.]

Excel [still giddy, but charred]: Wow, Excel is in pain...

Bowser: So I've noticed. [thinks for a moment] You know what? [stands up as the throne falls behind him] I'm sick and tired of having henchmen do my work for me! I'll take over this blasted city myself! [stomps off; to Excel] YOU! TAKE MY CALLS! [to Hyatt] And YOU, stop dying and work out more!

Excel [still hurting]: She's dead--

Bowser: I KNOW! [stomps off]

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[Sonic and the Cronies have pursued Il Palazzo's rather massive flying fortress. The fortress is quite large, at LEAST the size of Angel Island. Tails is piloting the Tornado 2, with Shadow and Rouge in tow, whilst Sonic mans the Tornado 1, with Amy and Knuckles riding the wings. Each plane is approaching a different side of the fortress.]

Tails [over his radio]: Sonic, do you see an entrance on your side?

Sonic: None! The entrance is probably hidden.

Knuckles [to Sonic]: Hey, Sonic, get close enough for me to latch on!

Amy: Isn't that a little reckless? You're going to get killed!

Knuckles [angry]: Hey, Amy, have you been taking Rouge lessons? 'Cause I'm ready to throw your bitch ass overboard--

Sonic: SHUT UP, both of you! Knuckles, you want to go get killed? Go!

Knuckles: Sweet! But you'll see; Knuckles has a plan! [Knuckles glides towards the fortress and latches on.]

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[Mario and Luigi are not having an easy time. The new "mecha-goombas" are immune to stomping and are equipped with the latest semi-automatic weaponry.]

Mario [just destroyed, barely, a mecha-goomba]: Jesus, this is-a fucking hard!

REAL Goomba [popped out of the robot; gruff voice]: Whoa, thanks buddy! That Eggman turned us into freaking robots! You have to help us! [Luigi violently and heartlessly crushes the Goomba.] NO--!

Mario [angry]: Hey-a jackass! He-a needed our help!

Luigi [slight crazy tinge in voice]: Oh, bitch bitch-a bitch!

Goombario [Mario's biggest Goomba fan from Paper Mario; has a spiffy hat]: Hi, Mr. Mario Brothers! Have you seen my dad?

Luigi [empathetic tone]: He's-a waiting for you... IN HEAVEN! [stomps Goombario, who dies]

Goombario: NO--! [dies]

Mario [annoyed]: You-a stupid son-of-a-bitch! He owed-a me money! Coins! Lots of-a coins! [accusing tone] You know-a what? You-a prejudice! You-a Anti-Goombite!

[NOTE: damn, we love Seinfeld.]

Luigi [shocked]: I am NOT an anti-Goombite--

Mario: YOU-A RAVING ANTI-GOOMBITE!!! Next-a thing you know, you-a saying they should-a have their own schools!

Luigi [mad]: I think-a they DO have their own schools!

Eggman [voice out of nowhere]: HOLY FUCK, JUST SHUT THE FLYING FUCK UP!!!

Mario [heroic]: Dr. Eggman, I presume? Where are you? It is-a time to end this!

Luigi [joining in]: And-a to have your balls-a handed to you! BALLS!

[Mario looks at Luigi, angry, and shakes his head.]

Eggman [still nowhere to be seen]: That's nice and all, but before you face me, meet the new-and-improved Dry Bones!

[Suddenly, a huge mech, at least three stories tall, falls from the sky and lands near our (?) heroes. The shockwave from the landing throws the Mario Brothers back a ways.]

Giant Bones Mech [mechanical monotone but loud voice]: DESTROY PLUMBERS! KILL PLUMBERS! MELT PLUMBERS WITH HEAT BEAMS!

Random NORMAL Plumber [passing by]: Excuse me, do either of you know how to get to 48 Mushroom Street? [Mario and Luigi run by him] What'd I say [gets hit with heat beam] to NOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH-- [gone]

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[City of F. Bowser is running rampant, destroying buildings, mowing down people and cars, and deflecting bullets with his shell.]

Bowser [sees a little girl enjoying an ice cream cone]: GIMME THAT! [cruelly snatches the ice cream away, throws it to the ground, and steps on it; little girl starts crying and Bowser feels bad] Ah, geez kid, your gonna make me soft, here! Here, take this! [gives the little girl a Goomba]

Goomba [in girl's arms; speaking like a stand-up comedian]: I'm free! FREE! Hey, little girl, a rabbi, a priest, and a virgin walk into a porta-potty! [Little girl, angry, drops the Goomba and squishes it; like in Yoshi's Island, the squished Goomba comically walks away.]

[Bowser continues his wrath until he's faced with the heroes of F City, the power-ranger-like Municipal Force DAITENZIN! Normal joes, also characters in the Excel Saga series, who get mighty powers to use and abuse in their power-ranger-like suits.]

[Red = Daiten S-Mart, a cocky dumbass really named Iwata.]

Iwata [idiot]: Justice will [screams] PREVAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIL!!!

[Blue = Daiten Macy's, a troubled young man named Watanabe who's madly in love with Hyatt.]

Watanabe [wants to kill Iwata]: What--in the BLUE hell--are you doing, idiot? Attack him already!

[Yellow = Daiten Cafeteria, a fat dude named Sumiyoshi who doesn't speak, but what he says appears in Japanese. That's hard to type, so he won't "say" anything...]

[Green = Daiten Fredericks, a serious hard-ass hot chick named Misaki, who is seriously pissed that her current getup leaves nothing much to the imagination.]

Misaki [bored]: Hurry this up, people. I have better things to do.

[Purple and Pink = Daiten Twin Cinemas 1 and 2 (respectively). Purple is Ropponmatsu 1, an android that looks like an attractive, voluptuous woman. Pink is Ropponmatsu 2, a younger kiddy version who once violently raped Excel (no joke).]

Ropponmatsu 2 [giddy]: Yay! YAY! I'll attack him first!

[She dashes at Bowser, who grabs her and bites her head off, leaving her lifeless circuits on the ground.]

Bowser [annoyed]: Ewwwwwww, metal...

Iwata [suddenly nervous]: Did he just bite her head off?

Ropponmatsu 1 [always calm and emotionless, no matter what]: It would appear so.

Bowser [grabs Ropponmatsu 2's body and is wielding it like a blunt weapon]: Anyone ELSE wanna be a hero? [points to himself] WHO WANTS A PIECE OF THIS GREEN BITCH!?

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[Tomoeda Elementary School. Japan. Sakura, Shaoron, and their various witty acquaintances are in... Captain Falcon's English class. Captain Falcon is introducing his new assistant... an actual falcon (who is quite intelligent) named Lieutenant Talon.]

Captain Falcon [cool and cocky as always]: Class, this is your new assistant instructor, Lieutenant Talon! Say hi to the children, Talon!

[Talon caws quite loudly, startling Sakura.]

Sakura [scared]: I am NOT going to get used to this!

Shaoron [admiring the bird]: I dunno, he's pretty elegant!

Yamazaki [a dark aura surrounding him]: Um, Falcon-sensei, I feel funny!--

Captain Falcon: Quiet, kid! I have a class to teach here! [turns to the blackboard] Alright, children, now who remembers the main parts of a sentence--[gets a knife thrown at him by a possessed Yamazaki; instinctively dodges with ease, and then turns to see a zombie-like Yamazaki] HEY!! What did I tell you about throwing knives? You're supposed to aim with your *eyes*, not with your wrist! [dodges another one; impressed] Hmm, that's better! Except, try aiming for my throat this time. [dodges again; angry] I said AIM, not toss like a pansy. Go outside!

Yamazaki [possessed]: THE HEARTLESS WILL TAKE THIS EARTH! THEY SHALL SMITE THE HEAVENS AND CAST A SHADOW UPON THEE! [eyes roll back, and then he collapses]

Captain Falcon [cocking eyebrow]: Hmmm... Yamazaki, I'm taking you to the nurse's office. [carries Yamazaki off; to Talon] Lieutenant, resume the lesson!

Sakura [oro eyes ( O.O )]: Hoeeeee... This should be interesting.

[Talon, on his perch, remains silent for a while. Meilin starts chatting with Tomoyo. Talon flies to Tomoyo's desk and caws at her loudly, startling the girls.]

Meilin [grumbling]: Stupid bird! Shoo!

[A crazed look crosses Talon's features, and he proceeds to grab Meilin's shirt with his claws... and lift her into the air.]

Meilin: WHAT THE HELL!?

Shaoron [indifferent]: Wow, that's a pretty strong bird...

[Sakura looks around worried. She senses a dark, powerful presence.]

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[Bowser's castle. Eggman's just finished redecorating.]

Eggman [finishes applying an Eggman-insignia decal on the wall]: Well, that about does it! [Camera zooms away from Eggman to see that our lovable mad doctor has literally covered all of Bowser's castle (internal AND external) with Eggman logos]

[Eggman sits down to a bowl of soup.]

Eggman [slurps some up]: Mmm... and Bowser's kids?... Well, this is the best bowl of dino-turtle soup I've ever had! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA-- [burps] Oh, excuse me! Who am I talking to? Anyway, what to do with the Mushroom Kingdom... I'm tearing it down, making it bigger, and calling it "Station Square!" It will be the ultimate bio-technical city, with kids begging machines not to eat them!

Shy Guy Lackey [cute voice]: I think that's a swell idea, Mr. Eggman! Swell as swell can be!

Eggman [psycho-rage]: THE TITLE IS "DOCTOR!" [grabs the cute lil' Shy Guy and stuffs him into a cannon, which he then fires out the nearest window]

[Meanwhile, outside the castle, our plump plumber brothers are formulating a plan of attack.]

Mario: Okay, Luigi, so you-a risk your life, save-a the Peach, and I will take all-a the glory! Sounds-a good, no?

Luigi [not impressed]: Your plan is-a full of shit, Mario, just like-a you.

[Suddenly, the fired Shy Guy hits Mario in the head, bounces and turns (in mid-air, mind you) and hits Luigi in the head, then bounces and falls towards a river, where, before hitting the water, the Shy Guy is eaten by a giant Cheep-Cheep.]

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[Let's look in on Bowser, shall we?]

[Holy crap, the Daitenzin have fallen!]

Bowser [victorious]: AAAAAAAHAHAHAHA!!! [punches Iwata in the gut] Hmm, strange, how do I lose to fat plumbers all the time when I can beat these hyped-up little fuckers?

Watanabe [under Bowser's foot]: Um, excuse me, sir, I surrender and all! Please let me live!

Bowser [cocks an eyebrow]: And what about your friends?

Watanabe: Feh! Kill them all! See what I care!

Iwata [clutching gut, on the ground]: You... bastard...

[As time passes, Bowser continues his destruction. Eventually, the City of F is nothing but a pile of ruins.]

Bowser: Hmm, maybe I went too far. [screams] HEY, IF ANYONE'S ALIVE, I'M YOUR NEW GOD AND SUCH! PRAISE, YOU WHACK-ASSES!

Iwata [whining weakly]: My leg's broken...

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[Tails house/Mystic Ruins base. The Cronies, sans Knuckles, are "taking a break."]

Tails [deep in thought]: Must think of plan. I'm the smartest one here. Others are all fools; insects to be crushed. Not Tails. Tails is smart. Tails will think of plan.

Amy [angry]: So we're insects, are we Tails?

Tails [cool and calm]: Amy, concretely prove to me that you AREN'T.

[Amy is about to speak, but cannot think of a reason, and just hangs her head in shame.]

Shadow [jackass, not realizing that he, too, is an "insect"]: BURN!

Tails [to himself]: Dammit, way to distance Amy, you fool! Anyway [hears a ring]-- My Crony-phone's ringing? [suspicious] IT BETTER NOT BE ANY OF YOU HERE, PLAYING A PRANK!

Sonic [indifferent]: Tails, we don't have our phones on us.

Tails [rage]: Really? Then where, you bunch of lazy ass-clowns, are your phones?

Rouge [points to a pile of Crony-phones]: Pile.

Sonic: Pile.

Amy: Pile.

Shadow: Ocean. Can I get another one?

Tails [more rage, but answers phone]: Hello?

Knuckles [over the phone]: Tails, this is Knuckles! I'm in!

Tails [confused]: You're "in?"

Knuckles: Yeah, in the base! I just destroyed several flaming death traps, and I'm heading to the core! You guys are still outside, right?

Tails: Um, er, *yes* we're outside, of course! Silly Knuckles, thinking we'd abandon you! [puts hand on phone's mouthpiece; to Cronies] Sonic, get the planes ready! Knuckles is "in!"

Sonic [confused]: He's "in?"

Tails: He's IN!!! [Sonic runs off; Tails speaks to Knuckles again] Knuckles, we'll attack the outside of the base full-force in about, um, ten minutes! Do what you can until then!

Knuckles: I'm doing a little jig. Is that good enough?

Tails [narrows eyes]: Yes, Knuckles, the jig is good.

Knuckles: You guys can only attack in ten minutes? Facing heavy fire out there? Want me to try disabling the weapons systems from within--

Tails [commanding tone]: Ten minutes, Knuckles! It's, um, strategy. Trust me!

Knuckles: Roger!

[Il Palazzo's base...]

Knuckles: They went back to base, I know it. Bastards.

Tails [over the phone]: Um, Knuckles, you didn't hang up the phone. Sorry, Knuckles, it was mostly Shadow's and Rouge's idea--

Knuckles [not angry]: Nah, don't worry, Tails, I'd probably abandon you too. In fact, I think I have on many occasions. So don't sweat it-- OH MY GOD!!!

[Tails's house]

Knuckles [over Tails's phone]: OH MY GOD!!! [Tails hears machine gun fire, then static, then nothing]

Shadow [gets up and cheers]: YES, THAT BASTARD'S DEAD!!! [everyone looks at Shadow, shocked] Er, um, I mean, damn, that bastard's dead. How very... terrible. Yes, that'll do.

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COMMERCIAL

Eggman [looks like he's filming himself from just outside Bowser's castle]: Howdy, bitches! I am Dr. Ivo Robotnik, the mythical Eggman, deputy leader of Bowser's Koopa Army, and now the Mushroom Kingdom! Soon, after my army of mecha-terrors burns all your homes to the ground and steals your salmon, you shall all be enslaved--er, fairly employed to help in the construction of the new city *Station Square*! I made that name up! Seriously!

Mario [suddenly in the room]: That's-a enough, Dr. Eggman!

Luigi [sounds bored]: Yes, you will-a be stopped so that Mario can-a have more sex with-a the Peach. [sighs sadly]

Mario [to Luigi]: What-a you complaining about, Luigi? You have-a Daisy!

Luigi: ... I'm-a gonna pretend I didn't-a fucking hear that.

Mario: No, no, you're thinking of her back in Mario Party 4, where she-a sounded drugged! But she's changed! Since playing-a golf, she's lively and wearing-a tight orange shorts!

Luigi [interested]: Really, now?

[Eggman uses this opportunity to run up to the brothers and club each one in the knee, Nancy Kerrigan-style. Then, Eggman runs off laughing.]

Mario [all sad]: Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!! [starts spewing Italian profanities]

Luigi [crying]: Gah, I have-a the osteoporosis!!!

[Several moments of awkward silence, then...]

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

CD [Eggman's voice, from nowhere]: JOIN!

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[Il Palazzo's deadly flying thing or whatever. Sonic and Tails are running around within, destroying traps and soldiers, and looking for either Knuckles or Il Palazzo. Shadow took over flying the Tornado 1 outside (which Amy's on), while Rouge is soloing in the Tornado 2.]

Tails [running with Sonic]: Sonic, this way! I see an unusual light!

Sonic [changing course]: Got it! If it's Il Palazzo, we die with honor!

Tails: WHAT!?

[Sonic and Tails approach the light. It's the remnants of a Chaos Control; it's Shadow!]

Shadow [evil glare]: Hello, Sonic and Tails.

Tails [happy]: Hi Shadow!

Shadow [happy; pets Tails]: OOOOOH, HE'S SO CUTE! Can I keep him, Sonic?

Sonic: Shadow, you idiot, what are you doing here? Where's my Tornado?

Shadow [shrugs]: Probably outside. Amy's flying it.

Sonic [low angry voice]: Shadow, Amy doesn't know how to fly a plane.

[Sonic, angry, glares at Shadow for a good twenty seconds.]

Shadow: ... So?

Sonic [sighing heavily]: Let's just go finish this.

[Outside, Rouge is looking at a now spinning Tornado 1.]

Rouge [over the radio]: Shadow, what the hell are you doing?

Amy [frantic voice]: OH, GOD, HELP ME ROUGE!!!

Rouge [annoyed]: Oh, for the LOVE of... [heads towards the out-of-control plane]

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Eggman [in a secure chamber in Bowser's castle, speaking over a video-phone (three way) to Bowser and Il Palazzo]: What's happening, peeps?

Il Palazzo: Everything's more or less secure here. I don't see what your problem was, Eggman.

Bowser: Same to you, Illy. I leveled your city in no time flat! See? [The monitor Bowser was speaking from shows a panoramic... destroyed F-City]

Il Palazzo [rage]: I JUST WANTED YOU TO CONQUER IT!

Bowser: No, no, it's okay! This is HOW you conquer! You destroy first, then re-build!

Il Palazzo [angry]: The hell with that shit! I'm not going back there! Station Square is mine, now!

Eggman: WHOA WHOA WHOA, there, buster! Station Square Prime is mine!

Bowser [confused]: Prime? [looks past Eggman to the Eggman insignia all over the walls] JESUS, EGGMAN, WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY CASTLE!?

Eggman: I think it's trendy! The food court attracts tourists!

Bowser: FOOD COURT? MY CASTLE'S NOW A MALL?

Eggman [salesman voice]: The biggest damn mall in the kingdom of Station Square!

Il Palazzo: What the HELL are you talking about? One second, Sonic's here. [turns; Eggman sees Sonic, Tails, and Shadow] Ah, greetings, Sonic the Hedgehog-- [suddenly fires a ball of power at our heroes]

Shadow [grabs Sonic and Tails]: CRAP!-- CHAOS CONTROL! [warps away]

Il Palazzo [faces the screen again]: Now where was I? Behind you, Eggman.

Eggman: Got it! [turns and fires a shot... into Mario's foot]

Mario [crying]: OW MY FOOT! YOU SHOT-A MY FUCKING FOOT! OWWWWWW! LUIGI, GET-A THE GAUZE!

Luigi [frantic]: YOU-A THE DOCTOR! YOU GET IT! [Eggman fires at Luigi; the shot grazes Luigi's arm] OUCH FUCKER!

[Eggman then pulls a lever, and a trap door opens under Mario and Luigi. After they fall, the door closes.]

Bowser: Where did you drop them--

Eggman: Food court.

Bowser: You, good sir, are an idiot-- [Bowser notices a large flying fortress approaching the City of F's rubble] ILLY, ARE YOU TRYING TO RE-TAKE-OVER THIS CITY?

Il Palazzo [lying]: Of course not.

Eggman: You're trying to annex the City of F to Station Square Prime? You bastard! We were supposed to give everything back!

Il Palazzo: I don't see YOU giving Bowser his castle back!

Bowser: Yeah, give me back my mall!

Eggman: NEVER! I built this mall from the ground up, after destroying the dusty old lava-filled castle!

Bowser [clutching head]: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! THIS IS WAR! [Bowser's monitor turns off]

Il Palazzo: Agreed. [his connection cuts out as well]

Eggman: FINE! [Eggman closes down the connection, forgetting that no one can now hear him] Oh, yeah.

Luigi [distant voice]: They have-a no enchiladas!

Mario [also distant]: Oh shut-a the fuck up, Luigi!

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[Tomoeda Elementary. Outside. Lunch time. Dark clouds are gathering. But no one seems to mind.]

Naoko [one of Sakura's friends]: I heard that a new mall opened up in the kingdom of Station Square!

Rika: You mean that place formerly known as Mushroom Land or something?

Naoko: That's the one! Apparently the caretaker is one Dr. Egg-Man.

Sakura [sweat drop]: Oh no, Shaoron-kun, did you hear that? Eggman's conquering!

Shaoron [looking up]: You know, the sky's kind of dark...

Meilin [out of nowhere]: Yeah, and that cherry blossom tree's bleeding.

Sakura [near hysteria]: BLEEDING?

[The children look at the bleeding tree. Some are scared. Some are mesmerized. None of them notice...]

Black Shadow [from F-Zero GX; goofy looking muscular super-villain]: I AM BLACK SHADOW, THE KING OF ALL EVIL-- [sees the children staring at the now shrinking-into-the-earth tree] Holy, shit! You kids have your own problems! I'll come back later! [runs off cowardly]

[The tree sinks into the ground and an other-worldly black portal opens. Heartless--the creatures from Kingdom Hearts--emerge from the hole. Everyone except Sakura, Shaoron, Meilin, and Tomoyo run away.]

Captain Falcon [dashing outside, with Talon flying beside him]: HEARTLESS! Get out of there, children! Lieutenant Talon, get Tomoyo and the other children to safety; they're useless! Sakura, Shaoron, Meilin, follow me!

[Talon grabs a struggling/screaming Tomoyo with his claws and lifts her off towards where the other children ran. Captain Falcon pulls out his high-tech key chain and presses a button. As Heartless approach, he and the kids fight them off.]

Meilin [relentlessly punching and kicking an Invisible, a powerful Heartless with a large sword]: How much longer do we have to hold out, sensei?

Captain Falcon [unloading bucketfuls of flaming ass-kickery]: Just a few more minutes! The Blue Falcon will be here shortly!

[True to his word, Falcon sees his F-Zero racer approach and stop in front of him. The hatch opens and he boards the driver's seat. Funny enough, there are like three passenger seats, so each of the kids take one. The hatch closes and the Blue Falcon speeds off.]

Captain Falcon [punching a few things into a console as Heartless pursue/get run over]: I'm programming the Falcon Flyer to rescue the other children! So sit tight, kiddies, this is about to get fast!

Shaoron [swallowing hard]: Faster? It's fast already!

Sakura [kind of interested]: It goes faster? How much?

Captain Falcon [bragging]: The Blue Falcon can reach 2000 clicks easy! [A "click" is a km/h, for you non-Canadians]

Shaoron [panicking]: Two... THOUSAND!!?

Captain Falcon: And off we go! [As the Blue Falcon speeds off, Shaoron starts screaming like a little girl; suddenly, Captain Falcon is worried] Oh, no, not the Heartless Gummi ships!!!

Meilin: The Heartless Gummi-what!?

[Guns and lasers start firing at the Blue Falcon.]

Sakura [thinking fast; pulls out a card]: SHIELD! [A shield surrounds the racer and deflects the incoming fire.]

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[In the City of F, which we think is sort of close to Tokyo, one giant turtle-dragon thing looks past one floating death fortress to see dark clouds forming in the distance. Unnatural dark clouds.]

Bowser [pondering]: What in the name of Michelangelo's David?

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[Within the floating death fortress, as Il Palazzo rumbles with Sonic, Tails, and Shadow, they all look out a window to see said dark clouds.]

Il Palazzo: What in the name of the Egyptian pyramids?

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[Within Eggman's little fortified room, Eggman is looking at his world-monitor and sees an unusual darkness forming near the City of F. He tries to brush it off, but it isn't dirt.]

Eggman: ... What the fuck!?

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COMMERCIAL

Bob [for some reason, in a slightly-small helicopter, filming the Heartless Gummi ship chasing the Blue Falcon]: Ach, it appears that some dark clouds have appeared above Tokyo! Ach, I sound like a weatherman! Let's get in closer!

[Suddenly, we see the shield surrounding the Blue Falcon fail, and a man with a dark aura jumps onto its "windshield."]

[Within the car (how is the camera getting this?)]

Captain Falcon [glaring at the man]: Ansem. We meet again.

[Ansem rips the cockpit cover open.]

Ansem: RETURN TO DARKNESS!!! HAHAHAHA!!! [he very quickly leaps into the racer, grabs Sakura, then leaps high and flies off; he's holding Sakura tight, so she cannot activate any cards]

Shaoron [desperate]: SAKURA!!!

Sakura [struggling to break free, but Ansem's too strong]: Let me go!

Ansem [sinister]: Hahaha, Captain Falcon, you've failed to stop me again! And you, little one [to Sakura]; your powers are strong, but even you don't realize quite how. You will, though. As a slave to the Heartless! HAHAHAHA!

Bob: Ach, this is getting deep! I've got to tell the boss! [flies away from the scene]

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

CD [Eggman's voice, from nowhere, yet again]: JOIN!

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Shaoron [desperate]: Falcon-sensei, we have to turn back!

Captain Falcon [determined, like in F-Zero GX]: Way ahead of you, kid. [despite the speed, he makes the fastest, tightest u-turn in history, and begins chasing Ansem]

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Who? What? Where? When? Why? How? EGGMAN!!!