Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ The Adventures of Eggman ❯ Episode 6 - "The Movie" ( Chapter 6 )

The Adventures of Eggman

A triple team production by:

THE TRIPLE PEEPS

Apollo Alexandre, a.k.a. "Grand Master Shoma" (GMS)

Neusa Gaspar, a.k.a. "Judge Neusy"

Carlos Alexandre, a.k.a. "CMA" (CMA)

http://www.triplepeeps.com/

DISCLAIMER: Any characters mentioned in this story that are not the distinctive likenesses of anyone else--including, but not limited to, Sega, Sonic Team, Nintendo, Clamp, Nelvana, Namco, Koshi Rikdo, Squaresoft, Disney, etc.--were created by us, and may not be used without our permission. All characters and distinctive likenesses not created by us are the property of their respective owners.

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NOTE: Envision this entire chapter in letterbox format with a wicked musical score.

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[Dramatic, movie-intro-ish music...]

Bob [running into Eggman's chambers]: Ach! Sir! Sir! You have to know!

[Eggman puts on pants and listens to Bob's telling of Sakura's kidnapping.]

Eggman [serious; drops his steaming coffee into the trap hole he opened under the Mario Bros.]: My... God...

[Eggman looks at his world monitoring monitors and sees the darkness above Japan growing.]

Eggman: It's growing...

[Screen goes black...]

TRIPLE PEEPS PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS

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[Intro-ish music continues...]

Shaoron [desperate]: Falcon-sensei, we have to turn back!

Captain Falcon [determined, like in F-Zero GX]: DAMN STRAIGHT! [despite the speed at which the Blue Falcon is going, he makes the fastest, tightest u-turn in history, and begins chasing Ansem, who has kidnapped Sakura]

[Screen goes black...]

A TRIPLE PEEPS PRODUCTIONS PRODUCTION

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[Music continues...]

Mario [lost in Bowser's "mall"]: This-a shit doesn't end! How do we-a get outa here?

Luigi [pissed off; looks up, speaks sarcastically]: God, why don't-a you drop-a the hot coffee on me? [Eggman's steaming coffee falls on Luigi's face] OW! FUCK OFF! WHAT ARE THE FUCKING ODDS? AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [falls over clutching face and kicking legs]

Mario: Wow, that's amazing!

[Screen goes black...]

DR. IVO "EGGMAN" ROBOTNIK

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[Music continues...]

Bowser [fighting off newly-spawned Heartless in the City of F]: Where did these things come from? HIYAAAA!!! [with one mighty swipe, Bowser knocks away a group of Heartless] If Illy thinks these demon-thingies will beat me, he's got another thing coming!

[Screen goes black...]

KING BOWSER KOOPA

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[Music is growing tense.]

Sonic [fighting off Heartless alongside Tails and Shadow]: What are these creatures you're sending at us, Il Palazzo?

Il Palazzo [panicking; using his Doom-style pump-action shotgun to take down Heartless one by one]: I don't know! They're attacking me too! Temp truce?

Tails [dodging several attacks]: Temp truce! Something's seriously wrong here!

[Screen goes black...]

HIS HIGH LORD IL PALAZZO

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[Music gets even tenser...]

Sakura [cannot break free of Ansem's grip]: Why are you doing this!? What have we done to you!?

Ansem [evil smile]: Such things will no longer matter to you shortly, my dear! [flying towards Il Palazzo's base] I've been waiting for a chance like this for some time. Now, I have you, a soon-to-be base of operations, and three men at each other's throats that would have normally helped you!

Sakura: Dr. Eggman? What have you done to him?

Ansem: Ah, young one. So naive. No matter. Soon... HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! [flies faster towards Il Palazzo's base while laughing]

[Screen goes black...]

THE ADVENTURES OF EGGMAN

EPISODE 6: THE MOVIE

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[The music has grown and is playing in a sort of dire-have-to-save-the-world superhero score way. Screen is still black.]

ANSEM

SAKURA KINOMOTO

LI SHAORON

LI MEILIN

CAPTAIN DOUGLAS JAY FALCON

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[Within Il Palazzo's base...]

Il Palazzo [finishing off the last Heartless]: Sonic, take a look at this! [points to a window, where they all see Ansem--holding Sakura--blow a hole into the flying fortress, shaking everything]

Shadow: It's Ansem! And he's killed Sakura-chan!

Sonic: She's not dead, you idiot!

SONIC THE HEDGEHOG

Shadow [giddy at the credits]: OOO! My name HAS to be next!

MILES "TAILS" PROWER

Shadow [angry]: You bastards!

Tails [confused]: Whom is Shadow talking to?

Knuckles [enters the room]: Hey, guys, I came as quick as I could!

KNUCKLES THE ECHIDNA

Shadow [points at Knuckles]: YOU BASTARD!!!

Knuckles: Wha-!?

SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG

Shadow [mad]: Oh, yeah, NOW it comes up. Well, at least I beat Rouge and Amy...

Sonic [slightly afraid]: Who you speakin' at!?

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[Rouge is trying to instruct Amy on how to fly her out-of-control plane.]

Rouge [giving up; speaking through the radio]: Ah, the hell with this! Amy, screw the plane and jump out! I'll catch you!

ROUGE THE BAT

Amy [also over the radio]: But Roooooouuuuge! If I break Sonic's plane, he won't love me anymore!--

AMY ROSE

Rouge [interrupting]: GET OVER YOURSELF, GIRL! SONIC DOESN'T LOVE YOU!!!

[Silence for a bit, then...]

Amy [not budging]: THEN I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE! [turns off the radio]

Rouge: AMY? AMY! You stupid bitch... [flies after the spiraling Tornado 1]

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[Mario is about to give up; he and Luigi cannot find their way out of the mall.]

Luigi [face all burnt]: Stupid-a credits... they-a going to mention-a Mario first, I fucking-a know it.

Mario [looking at Luigi all strange like]: Hey-a stupid! You-a wanna go to-a the mental hospital again?

MARIO MARIO

[A mysterious cloaked person taps Mario on the shoulder. Mario looks at the stranger, then at what he was pointing at; the mall directory.]

HUNGRY PHIL

Mario: The mall-a directory! Thanks-a, Mr. cloaked-a stranger-- [the stranger is gone] What the? Where did-a he go?

Luigi [seriously peeved]: What-a the shit!? He-a gets mentioned before-a me!?

BOB THE CAMERAMAN

[Luigi starts spewing every Italian profanity known. He's REALLY mad.]

PRINCESS PEACH TOADSTOOL

YOSHI

EGGMAN'S GAMECUBE

DIRTY OLD SOCKS

LUIGI MARIO

[Luigi is now brooding in a corner.]

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MUSICAL SCORE

Eggman's Subliminal Hypno-Orchestra (ESHO)

SPECIAL EFFECTS

Epileptic Seizure Light and Sound FX

DIRECTORS

CMA

Grand Master Shoma

Judge Neusy

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[Eggman's Egg-o-matic is speeding away from the Mushroom Kingdom.]

Eggman [angry]: Of course, I should've known! Il Palazzo was heading to Bowser to form an alliance! And they must be using the Heartless, too! Those diabolicals! [looks down and sees Mario and Luigi chasing him on foot] Why the hell are they still after me?

[Unbeknownst to our beloved fat doctor, Peach is hanging by a rope under the Egg-o-matic, bound and gagged, trying to break free.]

Mario [stops running; breathes heavily]: Oh no! Now how-a we-a gonna get 'em?

Luigi: Let's take-a the carts!

Mario: You estupido! Why-a we take-a the cart when we can-a take-a the plane?

Luigi [very irritated]: WHAT PLANE!!?

Mario [yelling back]: THE ONE-A FROM-A MARIO SUNSHINE!!!

Luigi: THEY-A LEFT-A ME OUTTA THAT GAME!!!

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[Bowser rips the head off another Heartless. Bowser's been making his way towards Il Palazzo's flying fortress.]

Bowser: When I see Illy, I'm going to bite him in the back of the head! [Bowser sees several unusual-looking building-block-ships headed towards the flying base. He then sees, approaching him...] Is that the Blue Falcon?

[Bowser times his jump to land right on the roof of the Falcon as it zooms by.]

Captain Falcon [checking his speedometer]: That's odd, we dropped five clicks! [looks up] Hey, Bowser! Wassup, buddy!?

Bowser [points forward]: You headed for that base? I'll cover you!

[As the Blue Falcon speeds along, Bowser's fire breath takes out several Angel Stars; flying Heartless of the holy element.]

Shaoron [admiring Bowser]: Wow, that beastly giant fire-breathing turtle has such grace and poise! Look at the form! The majestic power! He could be a king!

Bowser [hears this]: Hey, thanks kid! I am a king, actually! Come on by, sometime!

Meilin [scared; pointing outside]: Um, Mr. Bowser, enemies coming!

[Bowser turns and chars a few more Heartless.]

Bowser: Hey, Falcon, we need to find a ramp of sorts!

Captain Falcon [eyeing a broken structure that ramps up to the air; anime-like eye-gleam]: Way ahead of you, buddy...

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[Today was not Peach's day. In addition to being bound and gagged far above solid ground, she was more or less certain that two possibly horny brothers were peeking at her panties.]

Mario [with Luigi in their Double Dash kart; Mario's driving]: Oh, man! [looking up] This is-a nice sight!

Luigi [also looking up from the back seat/weapon launching seat]: Even though it-a makes-a me want to kill myself to say so, I must-a say, I agree. Get-a the camera.

Mario: I couldn't-a find it! I think-a Daisy took-a the camera.

Luigi [murderous rage]: That damn BITCH! I'm-a gonna kill her when I see her!

Mario: Cut-a the rope with da spiked shell!

Luigi [crazy]: Oh, I'll spike something alright! [starts clubbing Mario in the head with the blue spiky shell]

Mario [trying to swat it away]: OW! AM I-A BLEEDING? YOU FUCKER! JUST THROW IT!

[Peach sees a sight that she really didn't want to see; Luigi about to throw a blue shell at her. She wants to scream, but cannot.]

Luigi [throws]: GO!

[Luigi's aim isn't so true, as the shell barely misses Peach's face, cutting off some of her hair. It now looks uneven and wrong.]

Mario [mad]: Hey-a jackass! You-a trying to kill her?

Luigi: No, I'm-a not! But if I had-a the competent driver driving right now, I wouldn't-a fucking-a miss the rope!

Mario: THAT'S IT! SWITCH!

[Peach sees Mario and Luigi trading blows as they switch positions.]

Luigi [takes the wheel with one hand and nurses a black eye with the other]: Good-a job, Mario! Now I lost-a the depth perception! [kart starts spinning out]

Mario [spinning; about to lob a blue spiky shell]: WHOOOOOOOAAAAAA!!! [high-pitched] HOLD THIS-A FUCKING THING STILL!!! [throws the shell, which flies straight and true... to the back of Eggman's skull]

Eggman [clutching back of head]: OOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!!! THAT'S IT! [Eggman pushes a button, which unleashes like thirty small plumber-seeking missiles and explode around and on the Mario Bros. kart, destroying it and throwing our hapless heroes out and about]

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Il Palazzo [typing frantically into a terminal]: This is rather unfortunate.

Tails [typing away at another terminal beside Il Palazzo]: Ansem seems to be parked at the secondary control center near the top of your base, Mr. Palazzo. Something's strange, though. Systems in and around that area are slowly going offline, but still seem operational!

Shadow [patting Tails's head]: Aww, you're so smart!

Knuckles [jackass]: This is SO BORING! When are we going to fight again?

Sonic: Tails, is this like when the Final Hazard took over ARK?

Tails: Hmm... good question. Mr. Palazzo, Ansem may be trying to take over your base--

Ansem [face appears on the monitor Tails was working on]: Very astute, young Miles. Soon, I will have control over this entire admittedly impressive structure--um, is that red echidna wearing a paper bag?

Knuckles [wearing a paper bag in place of shorts]: I misplaced my pants.

Shadow [mad rage]: YOU DON'T WEAR PANTS!!!

Ansem: Anyway, regardless of your taste in clothes, you have no chance of stopping me. I hold with me a weapon of great potential. [Ansem moves out of view and our heroes see Sakura, tied up and struggling.]

Shadow: Oh my GOD HE'S GOING TO KILL HER!!!

Ansem: Actually, um, no, and you kind of ruined what I was going to say... [now speaking kind of indifferently and disappointed] She'll be my ultimate weapon after she's placed under the influence of the Heartless. See you. [screen turns off and both Tails and Il Palazzo cannot use their terminals]

Tails: I propose we split up into two groups and try to get to the secondary command center.

Shadow: Okay, gang, listen up! We're splitting up into two groups! Me and Tails will take... whatever way Tails says we have to go, and Sonic will go with Knuckles and Il Palazzo!

Sonic: Um, Shadow, dude? What gives, man? I'm--I'm the leader--

Shadow [whispering]: Play along, okay? I don't want to be with Knuckles...

Sonic [slightly annoyed]: Fine.

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Rouge [still flying the Tornado 2]: I swear to god, when I get Amy on the ground, I'm going to strip her naked and hang her over some angry perverts.

[Rouge flies the Tornado 2 dangerously close to the Tornado 1, still spinning out of control. Rouge punches a few buttons, as Tails trained her how to fly his plane some time ago, and several grappling hooks shoot out and latch onto the Tornado 1. Rouge then flies away from the chaos happening at Il Palazzo's base with Amy in tow.]

Rouge [looking back; sees the flying base slowly turning more... evil?]: You're on your own, fellas.

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Eggman [noticing that his Eggmobile isn't reaching its maximum possible speed]: What in the name of The Wachowski Brothers is weighing me down? [Eggman dangerously hangs off the side of the Eggmobile and can barely see a rope; he cuts it with a handy pair of scissors] Much better!

[Peach falls, the gag muffling her screams. She falls, right into the arms of...]

Bowser [looks at the bound and gagged Peach and smiles creepily]: Dear Diary! Cha-ching!

[The Blue Falcon got some serious hang time after hitting their makeshift ramp, and is now level with...]

Eggman [angry; points]: BOWSER!

Bowser [tosses Peach away; she continues falling, as they're still quite high up]: YOU! JIG'S UP, EGGS! [starts breathing flames at Eggman]

Eggman [barely dodges some flames]: BURN, DO WE!? [pulls out a giant bazooka and is about to fire, but sees Shaoron] What the? Bowser, let those children and Captain Falcon go!

Bowser: Go? They're my ride!

Eggman [pouting]: Yeah, I'm SO sure...

Captain Falcon [coming in through Eggman's radio]: Dr. Eggman, wait! Bowser's helping us save Sakura! Ansem has kidnapped her!

Eggman: So I hear! [to Bowser] Alrighty, Bowsy, I propose we maim each other AFTER rescuing the innocent.

Bowser: I concur. Um, can you give us a lift? [Blue Falcon starts losing altitude] This thing can't fly...

[Eggman maneuvers the Eggmobile over the Blue Falcon, and robotic arms shoot out and grab the racer, keeping it airborne.]

Captain Falcon [switches the Blue Falcon to low-power mode]: All right, children! We have a ride!

Shaoron [serious look]: Sakura... I'm coming...

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[In a shadowy corridor, Shadow is quite serious and acts all stealth-like. He sidles the wall, trying to avoid detection by the Heartless. He suddenly hears a step and he pulls out his trusty Chaos Emerald.]

Shadow: Chaos Control... [He teleports away for a moment, and then returns.] Coast is clear...

Tails [walks right beside him; looks a little annoyed]: Shadow... What are you doing?

Shadow [startled; worried]: Gah! Tails, what are you doing!? [grabs Tails and runs a bit] A Heartless could have hurt my little boy! [starts petting Tails]

Tails [annoyed]: Um, yeah, about that: Shadow, I defeated a couple already while you were playing as Snake from Metal Gear Solid.

Shadow [cocks an eyebrow; confused]: Playing? Metal Gear Solid!?

Tails: Shadow, we have to get serious and find the auxiliary command center!

Shadow: Don't you think it'd be completely corrupted about now?

Tails [getting upset]: Well if it is, then it's because YOU wasted all our time!

Shadow: Did not!!!

Tails: You wanted to stop for milkshakes! We're in a war base, Shadow!

Shadow [snooty]: At least I found a coffee machine. Now simmer down, have some coffee, and let's find Ansem. The sooner we defeat him and revive the fallen Sakura--

Tails [correcting Shadow]: Sakura isn't dead--

Shadow [interrupting; continues]: --The sooner we can have milkshakes!

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[Eggman arrives at Il Palazzo's base along with Captain Falcon, Shaoron, Meilin, and Bowser. Eggman releases the Blue Falcon from the Eggmobile's clutches and everyone proceeds to dismount.]

Eggman: Well, here we are.

Meilin [looking around, kind of scared, but still determined]: This place is cold and eerie... I don't like this one bit.

Shaoron [courageously]: C'mon! Let's just find Sakura.

Captain Falcon [puts a hand on Shaoron's shoulder]: Hold up, little man. There might be Heartless here. Wait one moment....

[A few seconds pass, and suddenly Captain Falcon is surrounded by a horde of Soldier Heartless. Like a crazy F-Zero racer with command over the martial arts and fire, our hero Falcon busts loose, not holding anything back.]

Bowser [in awe of Falcon]: Wow. Such fluidity. It's like watching a famous painting kick some ass.

Eggman: I agree. This is really riveting--I better take a leak. [Eggman turns around and walks off into the darkness]

Meilin [calling out]: Eggman! You can't just walk into the darkness! It's foreboding!

Shaoron [grabbing her arm]: Let him go. He knows what he's doing.

Meilin [confused at the moment]: By taking a leak?

Shaoron: Don't worry about him! Ready, Falcon-sensei?

Captain Falcon: Got it! Besides, the Heartless may start overwhelming us soon.

Meilin: HA! [kicks away a Heartless behind her] I see what you mean!

[The group runs further into the base. Captain Falcon takes point, and Bowser covers the rear. Shaoron keeps a wind magic barrier around them.]

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[Il Palazzo, Sonic, and Knuckles are trying to make their way to the secondary command center.]

Knuckles: Hey Ill! I--

Il Palazzo [irritated]: Don't call me "Ill."

Knuckles: Sorry.

Sonic [continuing what Knuckles was supposed to say]: Anyway, you should know this place inside out, meaning we shouldn't have this hard a time making it to where Ansem is!

Il Palazzo: This is true, but I feel that Ansem may have already blocked off all the paths of least resistance. He is practicing "the art of war"; forcing his enemies to fight tooth and nail to reach him.

Knuckles: ...Come again?

Il Palazzo [not amused]: He's forcing us to go through all the harder, and more complicated... [looks at Knuckles, who looks confused] ..."bad" routes.

Sonic: Can't I just speed through them?

Il Palazzo: I strongly advise against that. [hears a footstep] Heartless! Behind us!

[The three fight off a group of Heartless that had followed them.]

Il Palazzo [pointing ahead]: This way, quickly!

Sonic [quickly]: Hey! You're contradicting yourself, you hypocritical bastard!

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[Shadow and Tails reach the eerily quiet secondary command center.]

Shadow [scared]: It's eerily quiet here...

Tails [sees something]: Shadow, look!

[The two see... Sakura, standing silently and in unusual clothing. We don't normally do this, but visit "http://triplepeeps.com/images/dark sakura.jpg" to see what she looks like (drawn by Judge Neusy).]

Shadow [happy]: Sakura! You're not dead... [Sakura starts glowing evilly] ... Sakura?

Sakura [her voice now possesses a dark "echo", so her voice sounds like her own with Ansem's barely audible overtop; she materializes a Sakura Card in her hand]: Arrow.

[Giant blasts of magic explode around Shadow and Tails. Our heroes barely manage to anime-teleport out of the way in time.]

Tails: Oh no! She must be brainwashed or possessed! If Ansem has control of her, she can probably use her magic without fatigue or consequence!

Shadow: Crap. I know! CHAOS CONTR--

Sakura [a different card appears in her hand]: Time.

[Though a being like Shadow wouldn't feel the effects of Time as much as normal beings, Sakura slowed him down enough to run up to him and snatch the Chaos Emerald away.]

Shadow [finishing]: --OL!!! [Sees Sakura holding the Emerald] DAMMIT!!!

Sakura: Fiery. [The male fire spirit appears and starts shooting ground-hugging flaming shockwaves at Shadow and Tails]

Shadow [hanging on to a flying Tails]: Man, we're in a little over our heads, here! We can't attack her, can we?

Tails [dodging as best he can]: No! She's a victim of this! We have to find some way of freeing her mind! Plus, even if we could attack her, Ansem's there too! He has powers that can protect the both of them!

Shadow: Then I guess we're stalling for time, then. Let's see how much we can tire her out; then the others will arrive and finish this! Where is everyone, anyway!?

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[Elsewhere...]

Knuckles [punching the wall slowly and repeatedly]: ♪♫ Punching the wall! I'm punching the wall! Nothing beats... punching the wall! Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over--

Il Palazzo [as Knuckles continues; Il Palazzo does NOT look pleased]: ... ... WILL YOU SHUT THE FLYING FUCK UP!!?

Sonic [serious]: I hear Shadow's womanly screams! THIS WAY!

[The group runs smack into...]

Il Palazzo [angry]: BOWSER!!!

Bowser [rage]: ILLY!!! YOU WENT TOO FAR!!! DEMONS!?

Sonic: Shaoron?

Shaoron: Knuckles?

Knuckles [still punching]: Wall?

Meilin [looks down at her chest]: Hey, that's mean!

Knuckles: Sorry, I meant Falcon.

Captain Falcon [looking at the death stares that Bowser and Il Palazzo are giving each other]: Okay, you two, just calm down. I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable--

[Too late. Il Palazzo and Bowser are now punching, kicking, firing, clawing, teething, and mocking each other.]

Eggman [walks out of the darkness]: Hey, guys, I couldn't find the bathroom, so I just peed on the floor.

Il Palazzo [has Bowser in a headlock]: You WHAT!? AW, SWEET JESUS!!!

Bowser [still in a headlock]: Public urination, Eggman!? That's just vulgar! Freaking vulgar!

Eggman [angry]: CLASSY, AM I!? [Eggman joins the brawl; Bowser punches him in the face] Dammit, Bowsy, I thought we were allied against Illy!

Il Palazzo [also angry; has Bowser in an arm lock]: Oh, come on! I fall victim to my dark desires ONCE and now you'll never let me hear the end of it!

Eggman: But you're the one most likely to summon demons!

Captain Falcon: Stop it, all three of you! Ansem did this! And he has Sakura! Have you lost your honor and friendship over this petty war?

Sonic: Eggman, Shadow and Tails are fighting right now! We have to go! Settle your differences later over a game of Monopoly or WarioWare or something! LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO!

[Eggman, Bowser, and Il Palazzo disengage and stare at each other angrily.]

Bowser: Alright. We work together to save the little chick in the stripper outfits. THEN we go back to biting each other. Capish?

Eggman and Il Palazzo [together]: Capish.

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[Pretty much everyone in that ragtag little group runs into the secondary command center. After much smoke and dust settle, Shadow's body careens into the wall on one side, and Tails goes flying into the opposite wall.]

Sonic: TAILS! SHADOW!

Knuckles [angry]: YOU CALL THAT FIGHTING!?

Shadow: Fuck you, Knuckles! Agh... [struggles to stand up] Is Tails okay?

Tails [also struggling]: I'm gettin' there...

Shaoron [sees the dark Sakura for the first time]: No... NO!!! SAKURA!!!

Captain Falcon [noble in a crappy anime kinda way]: My student, I'm afraid I wasn't able to save you! I must make amends honorably! My vigor will shine and my valor... will also shine! ANSEM! [points victoriously at Ansem] LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!

Sakura [her voice still echoes Ansem]: ... What people? I only possess this girl. She will do. [another two cards appears] Sand. Storm.

[A huge sandstorm engulfs everyone, scattering them about. After everything settles, many Invisible Heartless (warrior Heartless with huge swords) appear and attack.]

Knuckles [suddenly appears in front of Sakura, who looks surprised]: I'm used to this environment. [he then punches Sakura in the stomach]

Shaoron [barely sees this from afar]: NO!--

Sonic [holding Shaoron back]: Easy, kid! Knuckles may be a little dense, but that punch was controlled. He won't seriously hurt her.

Shaoron: But, I--

Shadow [appears beside Sonic]: He's right. We may have to risk hurting Sakura to save her and ourselves.

Knuckles [suddenly flipping over the three]: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH-- [flies face first into another metal wall]

Shadow [watching Knuckles trying to re-align his nose]: See? We're fucked.

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[Some ways away...]

Luigi [clothes torn up, walking slowly towards the dark base besides Mario; doing his best Mario impersonation]: I'm-a the Mario! I'm-a the wanting to take-a the karts! I'm-a the full of shit!

Mario [ditto, ditto; doing his best Luigi impersonation]: I'm-a Luigi. I'm-a the one who actually suggested taking the damn-a karts! I like-a to blame it on Mario! I take-a Flintstones Kids multi-a-vitamins. I'm-a BIG BOY!

Luigi [throws his hat to the ground]: That about-a duz eet! Right-a fucking-a here, beetch!

Mario [cracks knuckles]: I've-a been waiting for this since-a mom stopped me from-a strangling you when you were-a two years old!

Luigi [mad rage]: You tried-a to kill me!? AT TWO!? I-A RIP OUT YOUR LUNGS!

Mario [likewise]: YEAH, LIKE YOU-A CAPABLE OF-A THE LUNG RIPPING!

[Luigi dashes at Mario all gimpy-like, and flails his arms like a nerd. Mario casually sidesteps, but holds out his bandaged foot for Luigi to trip on. Our green psycho-plumber falls for it (no pun intended), and then Mario sits on him, annoyingly shoving Luigi's face into the mud.]

Mario [like a six-year-old bully]: Stop-a eating mud, Luigi! Why you-a eating the mud?

[Luigi, hacking and coughing, quickly spins around and drives two feet into Mario's... groin. Mario is silent for a moment, then...]

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[Moscow. All is quiet. Until a faint scream is heard.]

Faint, Distant, Mario-sounding Scream/Cry: UUUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

[Children run to their mothers' arms, terrified.]

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[ACROSS underground headquarters. Hyatt just passed out again. Excel... mounts her?]

Excel [blushing and speaking very seductively]: Oh, Hat-chan...

Faint, Distant, Mario-sounding Scream/Cry: UUUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

Excel [blinks twice audibly]: Ah, well, there goes the urge. [Walks away slowly.]

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[Moon Kingdom. The Moon. Eggman's robot police keep the general populace in line. Until...]

Faint, Distant, Mario-sounding Scream/Cry: MOTHERFUCKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR!!!

[Children run to their mothers' arms, terrified. Several of Eggman's robots explode.]

Mysterious Female Voice in the Shadows: Now's our chance! [Screams] ATTACK EGGMAN'S OCUPATIONAL FORCE!!!

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[Sephiroth: Tailor of Death.]

Aeris [trying on some La Senza lingerie]: Ooo, he'll like this one!

Sephiroth [naked under the covers]: Aeris, can we hurry this up? Teen Titans is on in fifteen minutes.

Faint, Distant, Mario-sounding Scream/Cry: OOOHHMYBAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLSSSSSSSSS!!!

Aeris [puts on a robe]: Sorry, Sephy, that killed the mood.

Sephy [punches the mattress]: DAMMIT.

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[Il Palazzo's now corrupted floating base of doom. The battle wages on, and the side of good is getting its collective ass trounced.]

Faint, Relatively-Closer, Mario-sounding Scream/Cry:

WHYYYYYYYYOU-A-KICKEDMYYYY-A-ITALIANBAAAALLLS!!?

Sakura [holding ears in terror; voice still echoes of the evil Ansem]: AGH!!! What is that horrid sound!?

[Seizing opportunity, Knuckles with a perfectly timed punch, grazes Sakura's face with his spikes, drawing a small wound leaking with darkness.]

Sakura [unusually calm]: Shield.

[Before the possessed Sakura finishes her incantation, our favorite heroic red echidna dives right beside her.]

Knuckles [cocky]: Alright! I'm in your shield radius! [Knuckles realizes his error when noticing that she does not change her expression.] Oh no! I'M IN HER SHIELD RADIUS!!!

[Out of sheer terror, Knuckles starts to scratch at the Shield perimeter, panicking.]

Sakura: Float.

[Now the Shield surrounding Knuckles and Sakura starts to lift into the air; at this point, Knuckles starts moving around in a panic, like a chicken without its head. His movement is only helping in tiring out the dumb echidna.]

Il Palazzo [bold]: I'll save you! [Il Palazzo fires an orb of power at the Shield; the Shield bounces the projectile back] Uh-oh!

Sakura [seeing our heroes running from the deflected blast]: What is this, a circus? And now [looks at Knuckles], for you. Shadow [the card].

[Her spirit minion proceeds to take hold of Knuckles's shadow, preventing the red echidna from really moving.]

Eggman [charging head on with Bowser, Il Palazzo, and Shaoron]: Oh no you don't!

Sakura [sinister laugh]: Oh yes I will! [pointing at the four of them] Illusion. Maze. Loop.

[Unfortunately for the four in question, they have been warped into the alternate dimension of the Maze Card.]

Sonic [contemplating their next action]: This isn't good. Ansem is using every card Sakura has to counter our actions!

Sakura [eyes glow an eerie red]: Dark.

[The Shield area is now surrounded in complete darkness. Knuckles's scream of pain is cut off by the darkness.]

Shadow [great worry]: KNUCKLES!! [annoyed] Aw man, I can't see how badly he's getting spoon-fed!

Tails: Oh great. We need a plan, and fast!

[The Shield finally disappears, and Knuckles drops to the ground, all ravaged and hurt.]

Sonic [sad, yet disappointed]: Aw Knuckles... you got spoon-fed.

Knuckles [very weak; leaning on Meilin's shoulder as she tries to pull him away]: Yeah I did.

Shadow: DAMMIT! You're still alive! AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN PUT UP A GOOD FIGHT!

Knuckles [regrets what he said]: Shut the flying f--

Captain Falcon [intruding on Knuckles's cursing]: I'll stop that child-manipulating bastard. The only way I know how... [He then runs at the possessed Sakura and leaps into the air to do a Thunder Knee (his powerful towards + 'A' air move in SSBM. She dodges not so easily, but then Falcon cries in pain, and clutching his knee as he falls toward the ground] AAAHHH!...

Tails [confused]: Falcon! She didn't even touch you. What happened?

Captain Falcon [in pain]: I HYPER-EXTENDED MY KNEE!!!

Sonic [vein in forehead]: We don't need this right now...

Sakura: Enough of this childish game. Your deaths are taking too long for me to care about any longer. I'll finish you off painfully and fast.

Knuckles [still on Meilin's shoulder]: Ugh... don't you mean, painlessly?

Sakura: No. Sword. Dash. Fly. Power.

Sonic [sarcastic]: Oh that's what we needed.

[Sakura then proceeds to attack at fast speeds. Although our speedy heroes are fast enough to catch up to Sakura despite the Dash card, they aren't the greatest at fighting off a powered sword...]

______________________________________________

[Meanwhile, in the Maze card...]

Eggman [pointing at something]: Sonic! I didn't know you were sucked into this dimension too!

Il Palazzo: Eggman... that's a bush.

Eggman: What are you talking about Bush? I see no bad grammar president-- ... IT'S THIS STUPID ILLUSION CARD!!! I kicked its ass once! I can kick it again!

Bowser: Uh... shouldn't we be helping Shaoron? I mean, we don't know where in the maze he is. Plus I think he's the only one who can cut the loop!

Eggman [panic]: WELL WHAT IF HE'S OUTSIDE THE LOOP YET WITHIN THE MAZE!? WE'RE GONNA DIE HERE! I CLAIM BOWSER SOUP!

Il Palazzo [slaps Eggman]: Get a hold of yourself!

Eggman [contemplative]: ...Look at what Ansem did to me... He made me panic. No one makes Eggman panic!

Bowser: Actually, you've panicked several times in the past--

[All of a sudden, some unseen force separates our heroes...]

______________________________________________

[Eggman looks around. He's alone.]

Eggman: Where is everyone? [he suddenly sees two frightening figures; Eggman sounds immensely panicked] Oh my GOD!!! It's perverse Mr. Moneybags and the syndicated-series Robotnik!

Mr. Moneybags [from Monopoly; walking "seductively"]: I love you, Eggman!

Syndicated Robotnik [from the crappy American Sonic shows and Archie comic]: Eggman, I am YOU!!!

Eggman [clutching his brain]: GAH! Psychological warfare!!!

Syndicated Robotnik [holding a fork and knife]: I'm going to make that hedgehog into a pork chop dinner!

Eggman [stepping back, afraid]: He's to kill, not to eat, you PERVERTS!!! [draws two machines guns and starts firing into the illusions; however, they would not be destroyed]

Syndicated Robotnik [like a zombie]: Eat Eggman!

Mr. Moneybags [also zombie-like]: LOVE Eggman!

Eggman [camera zooms away from him]: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--

______________________________________________

Bowser [calling out, wandering alone]: HELLOOOOOOOOOOO!!?

[The Illusion then shows Bowser a scene... from his past... high school...]

Il Palazzo [looks a little younger, but otherwise the same]: C'mon, dude, just ask her out!

Young Bowser [looks about the same, but talks uncertainly]: Um, I dunno, guys, what if she laughs, and, um, I'm not that smart, and, um, I'm a turtle, and--

Eggman [looks NOTHING like he does now; he's skinny (still tall), with orange hair, no mustache, and spiffy glasses; he looks almost exactly like Kyosuke from Rival Schools, but he still SOUNDS like Eggman]: Oh c'mon, Bow-Z! Chicks dig the confidence angle! Just look at me! I get seven dates a week! Illy gets five!

Il Palazzo [grimaces a bit]: Six, actually. I take the Sabbath off to rest--

Eggman: Whatever! Just [shoves Bowser away] GO already!

[The young Bowser stumbles clumsily over to... young Peach. She's dressed like a slut; use your imagination.]

Young Bowser: Um, er, hi, Peach!

Peach [polite, if not a little curt]: Oh, hi Bowser. What's up?

Mario [same height, same mustache, but dressed like a young scrub punk; shoves Bowser out of the way]: Outta the fucking way, loser!

Peach [has a crush on Mario]: Oh, hi, Mario!--

Mario: Shut up, bitch! When I want-a you to speak, I'll-a hand you the fucking apron! Now we-a going to go-a scronking at-a 7:30! Don't-a be late or Luigi here will kill-a your mama!

Luigi [nerdy; has a different set of coveralls and a pocket protector (?)]: Mario, c'mon! We-a have to study, or we-a gonna end up being, oh I dunno, plumbers!

Mario: Fuck that! I'm-a not cleaning ANYONE'S sheet! [he meant "shit"] C'mon, bitch! Let's-a ride!

Peach: Okay! Later, Bowser! [waves]

Young Bowser [heartbroken]: Oh, um, oh...

[Il Palazzo and Eggman put their hands on his shoulders, but the "real" Bowser who is watching all this instead sees Mario. The Illusion freezes this scene.]

Bowser [the actual one watching all this; tears in his eyes]: I... hate... that bitch... so MUCH! AND I HATE THAT MARIO EVEN MORE!!! [he collapses to his knees]

______________________________________________

Il Palazzo [seeing his own little scene; the aftermath of Excel Saga episode 25, where ACROSS headquarters was destroyed by Il Palazzo's dark self]: My precious base... gone... What did I do then?

[Il Palazzo sees himself brooding on some rubble, when suddenly]

An all too familiar voice [calling out]: Hey Illy! Need some help?

[The Il Palazzo in the scene turns around to see his good friends Bowser and Eggman, donned in construction-worker style clothes and hardhats]

Flashback Il Palazzo: Bowser... Eggman... what are you guys doing here?

Bowser: We heard that your base got trashed, so maybe you don't mind if we help ya rebuild it!

Eggman [happy]: It may not be much, but I did bring some robotic drones, and a wheelbarrow full of friendship!

Bowser [adding on]: And a cement mixer [pointing behind him to a cement mixer] full of cement, some rock granules... let's see... five or six blue jays that must've accidentally flown inside during mixing--

Eggman [stupidly]: Which gives it a red tint!

Bowser: And hopefully some hope.

Flashback Il Palazzo [doing some "manly anime crying", as in holding his fist, letting waterfall-ish tears flow down]: My friends... thank you!

[The three hold each other, crying like goofs while Eggman's robot drones start rebuilding Il Palazzo's base]

Il Palazzo: My friends were always there for me. How could I have ever argued with them? [raw determination] ANSEM WILL PAY FOR THIS!

[Il Palazzo breaks free of the Illusion.]

______________________________________________

[Bowser, still trapped in his Illusion, opens his eyes, and stands up, contemplating his past involving that event]

Bowser: Wait a minute... why am I complaining? I remember now; Eggman and Illy helped me exact my revenge on them. We beat the shit out of Mario and Luigi and tossed them into a dumpster, and then the three of us took advantage of Peach! [eyes begin glowing with life] Eggman enjoyed it! Illy enjoyed it! I enjoyed it! Hell, I even think Peach eventually enjoyed it as well! The important thing was that I was avenged! And I couldn't have done that without my friends!

[He suddenly sees an illusion of the rowdy punk Mario]

Bowser [preparing flames]: You don't scare me anymore! [breathes fire all over the illusion, which makes HORRIBLE dying sounds]

[Bowser now escapes his illusion]

______________________________________________

[Outside the dark and Heartless airbase; Mario is now seen sitting down, trying to... let's see... soothe himself from Luigi's attack]

Luigi [looking at the dark base, talking back to Mario]: And don't-a you try that again!

Mario: Shut up, you-a--[something snaps; Mario stops speaking, and with a look of terror, he clutches his heart, and collapses]

Luigi [surprised at the thud]: Mario? [turns around to see his much shorter older brother on the ground clutching his chest] MARIO!!! [feeling his neck; can't feel a pulse] You died by a heart attack. DAMMIT, I WANTED TO-A KILL YOU! [gets spooked when Mario gets up all better] UWAAAA!! I thought you were-a dead!

Mario: ... I think-a something did die, on the inside.

Luigi [sudden rage]: That's not-a good enough with me! [punches Mario]

[Mario and Luigi continue walking away.]

Mario: You-a know, I always figured that you were-a accident, Luigi. Dad-a told me so after he got himself drunk again over-a how faggy you are.

Luigi [loses it]: That-a does it. That-a did it. I QUIT!!!

Mario [points to Luigi accusingly]: You can't-a quit the Plumber-Adventurer lifestyle! You have-a nowhere else to go!

Luigi: Think again, Mario. While you were living in Peach's lap of luxury, starring in so many adventures when I left out "guarding the homestead," I got my degrees through slow, painful correspondence! [pulls out some diplomas and degrees and certificates and such] This is my-a Nuclear Physics, this is my-a Astrology, this is my-a Engineering, and this is-a my General Sciences.

Mario [condescending]: Oh, Luigi, you know you-a can't [looks at papers] use-a the fake cereal box mail-away diplomas in place of real-- [looks closer] ...HOLY SHIT, THESE ARE REAL!!!

Luigi [takes back the papers]: My ride approaches. I've been accepted into a position that pays $100,000 a year! Plus benefits!

Mario: Your ride "approaches?" When did you-a plan this out?

Luigi: Not important. You're looking at new Research-Raider Cadet #406 for the interplanetary Space Pirates!

Mario [gets more surprised by the moment]: Space Pirates? Like the ones that fight-a the Samus?

Luigi [a large ship appears above him, and a hatch opens]: Good-a bye, Mario.

Mario: Whaddaya mean-a the "goodbye?"

[From the hatch, Anzu (remember Cronies 7?) appears in some sexy maid girl getup.]

Anzu: Hey, are we on Earth again?

Random demonic Space Pirate voice: ER, UM, NO. I CUT YOU SOME FLOWERS, ANZU!

Anzu [head disappears from hatch]: Oh, how sweet!

[As we hear a demonic sounding giggle, Luigi double-jumps up into the hatch, which closes behind him. The ship flies off into space.]

Mario [still in shock]: I-a don't believe it. Momma said he-a always was going to succeed somewhere, and I think he just-a did...

______________________________________________

[Back in the Illusion, Eggman is still firing madly at the queer Moneybags and Dr. Robotnik thingies.]

Eggman: They're too strange! Waitaminute... Moneybags was never a homo, and the syndicated Sonic series died!

[The Moneybags and Robotnik illusions make strange noises as they die.]

Il Palazzo [appears]: 'Sup, Ivo?

Eggman [happy]: Illy!

Bowser [also appears]: Waz happenin'?

Eggman [still happy]: Bow-Z!

Shaoron's voice [interrupting from above them]: Eggman! I found the Loop! Get ready to blast through the Maze! Remember that Illusion will make it seem you're not really firing--

Eggman [interrupts triumphantly]: OK, then! Round TWO will be in my favor, Illusion! MWAHAHAHA!!!

Shaoron's voice: Hey guys?

Eggman: What is it?

Shaoron's voice: You work way better as a team, rather than against one another. I WILL break free to get to Sakura. Can I count on all your power?

[The three friends look at each other determined. Il Palazzo nods. Bowser gives a thumbs-up.]

Eggman: You damn right, you tough-as-nails-yet-cute little boy! LET'S GET TO WORK!!!

[Shaoron unleashes his most powerful slashes and rips the Loop card with conviction. Eggman, Bowser, and Il Palazzo pool their powers and give the Maze their most powerful shot. Did they escape?]

______________________________________________

[The dark Sakura has ripped up the battlefield, and with her perfect combination of cards and... well, the dark terror Ansem, the forces of good have dwindled down to nothing.]

Sakura [still echoing evil; mocking our heroes]: Aw, don't tell me the fun just ended.

Sonic [getting himself up; spits out some blood]: Don't think we've given up just yet!

Knuckles: Um, I actually gave up when she sliced me with that sword. Can I live now?

[With a smirk on her lips, she snaps her fingers, and a monstrous Behemoth Heartless appears out of a dark portal. It roars aloud, and lightning is splashing around the battle area, with our heroes barely escaping the onslaught.]

Shadow [speed-skating around and over lightning blasts]: This can't get any worse, now can it!?

Sakura: Twin.

[The card is now duplicating the large Heartless, making an exact double. And then doubled again to make four Behemoths.]

Knuckles [shaking his head in disgust]: Thanks a lot, Shadow.

Shadow [whining]: OH WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO HAVE 52 CARDS!? Why can't she use like "Glow" or "Sweet?"

Knuckles: What do you think she'll do? Make the area pretty with fireflies as she throws at us pies sweetened with hate and malice!?

Sakura [shaking her head]: You bicker constantly. That is why you have failed.

Knuckles [dramatic]: Aha! You have revealed yourself!

Sakura [not understanding]: ...What are you talking about--

Knuckles [about to drive a very heavy punch into her face]: YAAAAAAAAAAA--

Sakura [reacting fast]: --ON GUARDIAN!!!

[From behind Sakura's back appears an odd shadow Heartless (the one Ansem fights you with near the end of Kingdom Hearts), completely nullifying Knuckles's attack.]

Sonic [dodging a Behemoth's step]: Since when did Knuckles become an opportunist?

Meilin [scrambling away from two Behemoths]: And since when could I take on these things!?

Knuckles [pointing AT the guardian]: Hey, look at this!

[The guardian grunts in confusion, giving Knuckles enough time to give it a punch in the astral crotch. Clutching itself, the Guardian lowers allowing Knuckles to punch Sakura in the face.]

Knuckles [cocky]: Heh! You're so stupid! Come and get it! [The Guardian latches onto Knuckles's arm.] AAAHHH!!! I didn't mean literally!!!

Tails: Sad, silly ol' Knuckles... Uses the same tricks over and over again which makes him predictable.

Knuckles [in the background; panicking wildly, flailing and thrashing about]: HIT HIM WITH A BRICK OR SOMETHING IT AIN'T LETTING GO!!!

[Suddenly, a bright flash envelopes everything. All that is heard, however, is a single slash, and when things dim, the dark guardian breaks in half, then disintegrates. Knuckles is untouched.]

Shaoron [sword in hand, looking bad-freaking-ass]: And now, my dear Ansem, you possess that which does not belong to you.

Eggman [standing just behind Shaoron]: You use others for your own gain! In a way that I never would! I'm both jealous AND outraged!

Bowser [standing to one side of Shaoron]: Believe it or not, I've got a soft spot for these kids. They don't judge me by my looks! And I won't let you hurt them anymore!

Il Palazzo [to Shaoron's other side]: You will find that Bowser, Dr. Eggman, and I are an unstoppable force when we work together. PLUS, you motherfucker, you wrecked my best flying base. Do you know how much they cost--

Shaoron [to Knuckles]: Did you punch her in the FACE!?

Knuckles [still on Meilin's arm]: The circumstances were EXTREME! I only normally punch Rouge in the face! Besides, I've got latent healing ability!

Sonic: You WHAT!?

[Knuckles closes his eyes and holds out his palms. Soon, holy energy surrounds our heroes, including the dark Sakura, and heals their wounds.]

Sakura [clutching her head]: AAAAAAAAAHHH!!! What's happening!?

Tails [snaps his fingers as he flies beside Shaoron]: Of course! To Sakura's body, Ansem is a malignance!

Knuckles [clueless]: ...Come again!? [drops a Cure materia] Ooops... don't tell Aeris that I stole that while groping her, okay? [Sonic crosses his arms; Knuckles hangs his head in shame] I don't have latent healing ability...

Shaoron: It doesn't matter! Knuckles, Tails, you found the answer! Ansem's mind and heart are foreign to Sakura's body. They are a disease, and her body and soul are attempting to "heal" it from within. When Knuckles used the Cure materia, he accelerated Sakura's own healing! Ansem has less of a hold over her now!

Shadow [hand on Sonic's shoulder]: I have an idea. You know what I'm thinking, don't you doctor?

Eggman [anime eye-glint]: Indeed. Knuckles, you stole more of those, right?

Knuckles: A couple.

Eggman: Good. You use them well. Illy, Bowser, and I will keep her occupied. Shaoron will use his magic to keep her in place. Knuckles, you'll keep healing her as much as possible. Tails, you and Meilin will grab the Chaos Emerald she snatched from Shadow's hands before, and give it to Sonic and Shadow.

Sonic [smiling confidently]: We'll handle the rest.

Captain Falcon [feeling left out]: Hey, what about me?

Eggman: You're still here? Fine, keep those Behemoth Heartless off of us.

Captain Falcon: And then when Ansem's out, I'll punch him in the face!

Eggman [like a leader]: Let's finish this!!!

[The next few moments play out in several beautifully animated OAV/OVA (how do you spell it?) quality animated action scenes.]

Shaoron: I'M COMING FOR YOU, SAKURA-CHAN!!! [he binds her with his wind magic.]

Sakura [you can tell that Ansem is getting desperate]: I'll kill all of you! Earthy-- [the card gets shot out of her hand]

Eggman: Nope! Not going to happen, Ansy m'boy!

[Bowser and Il Palazzo pelt Sakura with their respective blasts, forcing her to defend as best she can with what little power she has left to use Shield.]

Knuckles [using repeated Curaga magic]: Shield won't hold if Ansem has to fight all of us AND Sakura's influence. Damn, when I tell Rouge how I saved the day, she'll be begging me not to whip rocks at her! [evil laugh] HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

[Tails and Meilin hand off the Chaos Emerald to our famous hedgehogs.]

Meilin: You're up, boys!

Sakura [desperate]: My last chance. VOID!

Sonic: I thought Void became Hope!

Shadow [talking really fast]: Ansem corrupted her, stupid!

[Dark spheres begin eating at the base. Luckily, no one got swallowed into these orbs, for it would mean endless death]

Knuckles [narrowly dodging an orb of death]: AAAHH!!!!

Captain Falcon [sweating bullets]: Holy crap!

Bowser [panicking]: Bad day BAD DAY!!

[Sonic and Shadow both grab the emerald, and their combined energies begin charging their attacks]

Shadow: Chaos Spear!

Sonic: Sonic Wind!

[The repeated onslaught of energy spears, followed by a chaotic blue ethereal wind ravaging the possessed little girl, proceed into knocking the child senseless into a wall.]

Sonic: Did we get her?

Shaoron: Sakura!

Sakura [getting onto her knees]: I don't get this... with this girl, I should have vast amounts of power. And [looking at Eggman] I thought I had broken the bonds between you and your friends.

Eggman: It may true that at times, my friends can annoy the fuck out of me, and it makes me feel like beating them both with a wet towel.

Bowser [unenthused]: Thanks, Eggman.

Il Palazzo [ditto]: Yeah, thanks a lot, Ivo.

Eggman [ignoring them]: But nevertheless, my friends were always there with me--and I can't believe I'm gonna waste space with this sappy bull crap--during the good times, and the bad... [sounding more triumphant] but now I know, without a doubt, that I, Dr. Eggman... AM LIGHT!!!

[He takes off his shirt, and Eggman's name-sake gut shines in a holy white aura, blinding everyone within spotting distance]

Sonic [disbelieved; covering his eyes]: OH THAT'S A LOAD OF BULLSHIT, EGGMAN!

Shadow [ditto about the covering the eyes bit]: Well, Ansem doesn't think it.

[Sakura, now screaming in terror, becomes unconscious as Ansem finally exits out of Sakura's body, trying to shield himself from the blinding light.]

Ansem [struggling, weakening]: AAAAAAAGGGHHH!!! LIGHT... [confused] How...? No, really, how!?

[Ansem is struggling back up to his feet; he now stands rigid beside an unconscious Sakura]

Shaoron [worried]: No! Sakura!

Ansem [weak]: Don't bother. Your words cannot reach her. She is unconscious.

Bowser: You lost, Ansem!

Eggman: Now give up!

Ansem [spits out some blood]: ... No. [begins to limp away] I will become stronger once more. And once I do, you will regret defeating me, and I will destroy you!

Eggman [loud]: He's limping away! Break his other leg!

Ansem: Oh crap! [runs off in a panic]

______________________________________________

[Eggman, Bowser, and Il Palazzo begin chasing after a limping Ansem down a hallway]

Eggman: Don't let him get away!

Bowser: You got that right! I call dibs on his ribs! MMMmmm, ribs!

Il Palazzo: Oh, why do you get the ribs!?

Ansem [wondering]: They're deciding what body part they get when, I mean, if, they kill me--

[Ansem suddenly slips on a trace of liquid on the ground, causing him to comically soar through the air, flying right towards some destroyed part of the base, just barely hanging on]

Il Palazzo [confused]: What did he slip on?

Eggman [stupid look]: Pee.

Bowser: What do ya mean pee--[looks at Eggman with wide eyes] OH DAMMIT EGGMAN! [pointing at him] VULGAR!

Il Palazzo [disturbed]: I can't believe your waste saved our asses.

Eggman [taking into account how peeing on the floor further weakened an evil being of darkness]: Wow... How's that for irony?

Bowser [beginning a stupid rant]: IRONY!? How, good idiot, was that a form of poetic justice!?

Il Palazzo: Yes; please engrail us with your stupidity!

Eggman: Why, how very nice of you to ask! You see--

______________________________________________

[Whilst Eggman and friends debated on whether or not having a corrupted-by-darkness being slip on pee was "irony," Ansem is outside the base, hanging on to a ledge in one of the many holes blown in the base. He's there for a good while, using what little of his power is left to simply keep from falling. Then, after a while...]

Sakura [at the ledge, still in the Heartless outfit, holding out her hand to Ansem]: Take my hand!

Ansem [shock]: What!?

Sakura [still her sweet innocent self]: Hurry, or you'll fall!

Ansem: ... After all I did, including taking over your body, trying to kill your friends, and filling your heart and mind with darkness, you would still help me?

Sakura: You can be a good person! Everyone has that chance!

Ansem: ... I was a good man, once. At least, that what's my people said of me. But now my heart belongs to darkness...

Captain Falcon [pulls Sakura back]: You heard him, Sakura, he's evil! And no one hurts MY students! Falcon...

Sakura: NO, SENSEI!

Ansem [panic]: Hey, hang ON now! Don't be rash!

Captain Falcon [punches Ansem's face]: PUNCH!!!

[Ansem falls, screaming. The scene changes to a view far away, where we clearly see a little dot (Ansem) falling. We can hear his voice clearly as he screams, though.]

Ansem [trying to fly]: Can I fly? [the dot slows down for a bit] Yes, I... [the dot falls again] Nope, nope, didn't work! [continues screaming]

[As Ansem is about to hit the water, a Mama Cheep-Cheep jumps out and eats him. A few seconds later, a red puddle grows where the Cheep-Cheep fell back in.]

______________________________________________

Eggman [sees this from the hole where Ansem initially fell out of]: Well that was unexpected.

Bowser: Indeed.

Il Palazzo: Totally killed the mood.

Eggman: Guys, we truly are... THE TRIPLE PEEPS.

Bowser: Yeah!

Il Palazzo: Truly!

[A few moments later, they all burst out laughing.]

Eggman: Oh, I kill me!

Bowser: What a stupid name! Who endorses that?

Il Palazzo: Yeah, who are we, three basement-dwelling geeks who write fanfics and manage a nerdy forum?

[They all laugh the night away.]

Eggman [suddenly realizes something]: Hey, with Ansem's dark powers gone, the Heartless have disappeared, right?

Il Palazzo: Yeah. Your point?

Eggman: Those dark powers kept this base floating.

[The base starts falling and our heroes scream...]

______________________________________________

[The credits start rolling, and as they do, the song "The Reason" by Hoobastank plays (you'll have to look it up; listen to it as you read the following for maximum comedic effect). Also, as they roll, we still see some epilogue-ish scenes.]

[The base crashes into some uninhabited mountain or something. Just before it does, an Egg Hawk crashes out of it with everyone on board. Don't ask where Eggman got the Egg Hawk.]

[Eggman, Bowser, and Il Palazzo are playing on Eggman's GameCube again. You can tell Il Palazzo's lose because he tosses a controller at Bowser's face as Eggman laughs.]

[Rouge is defending herself from Knuckles's "rock machine gun" (meaning he's whipping rocks at her like he said he would).]

[Captain Falcon is teaching his beloved students the Falcon Punch. Naoko managed to do one, but it was the size and shape of a Blue Jay. Shaoron and Sakura are talking and laughing away from the group happily.]

[Mario, Peach, and Toad (who apparently didn't die) are eating dinner. Mario looks at Luigi's empty seat. A single tear falls from his eye, and then he covers his eyes with his hand. Peach and Toad see this and laugh.]

[Luigi, Anzu, and the Space Pirates are having a drunken party. Luigi is hit with a chair, and Anzu is strip-teasing as several pirates cheer her on.]

[Sonic, Tails, and Shadow are having a barbecue, flipping burgers as they tell Amy the story of what happened. Knuckles and Rouge are bruised and bandaged.]

[A huge Egg Carrier lowers a re-built Bowser's castle and annexes it to... Bowser's mall. The castle will handle general Mushroom Kingdom conquering/administration, and the mall will bring in extra revenue.]

[Il Palazzo supervises Excel and Hyatt as they repair and rebuild the City of F. The Daitenzen are there, too, and are spending more time trying to kick the crap out of each other than actually helping.]

[Eggman is sprawled on his sofa, scratching his nads. All is well.]

[The credits finish rolling. But don't leave just yet...]

______________________________________________

[Waves. A man has washed up on the beach. He's alive, and coughing up water.]

Mysterious boyish voice [coming from a boy standing over the man]: A well thought-out plan, but you weren't counting on their resourcefulness.

Ansem [revealed to be the man on the beach, smelling of exploded Cheep-Cheep]: Who... who are you?

Mysterious boyish voice: Please... call me... Eggboy.

FIN...?