Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ The Adventures of Eggman ❯ Episode 7 - "Random Rompings" ( Chapter 7 )

The Adventures of Eggman   A triple team production by:   THE TRIPLE PEEPS Apollo Alexandre, a.k.a. "Grand Master Shoma" (GMS) Neusa Gaspar, a.k.a. "Judge Neusy" Carlos Alexandre, a.k.a. "CMA" (CMA)   http://www.triplepeeps.com/   Judge Neusy:  DISCLAIMER:  Any characters mentioned in this story that are not the distinctive likenesses of anyone else--including, but not limited to, Sega, Sonic Team, Nintendo, Clamp, Nelvana, Namco, Koshi Rikdo, Capcom, etc.--were created by us, and may not be used without our permission.  All characters and distinctive likenesses not created by us are the property of their respective owners.   ______________________________________________   [Maver ick Hunter HQ.  Megaman X and Zero, the best Maverick hunters alive, are doing... nothing in particular.  Just chillaxin'.]   X [bored]:  Peace sucks.  I can't wait until Sigma comes back.   Zero [slightly shocked]:  X, you're the pussy who wanted all this peace and quiet!   X:  Yeah, but now that we have it, I realize that it's a lot cooler to just blow things up!   Zero:  I don't know whether I'm proud or just worried.  Besides, we KILLED Sigma.  We reduced him to bits!  We chopped up those bits into tinier bits!  Then, we launched it all into the sun!   X:  Yeah, but he always comes back.  Just like that infamous Dr. Wily.   Zero:  Dr. Who?   X:  No, Wily!   Zero:  What?   [Telephone rings.]   Zero:  Go get the phone, X.   X [whiny]:  The fuck?  You're closer, Zero!  YOU get it!   Zero [also whiny]:  But that requires moving my arm!  I have to save my energy!   X [phone's still ringing]:  Save your energy!?  For WHAT!?   Zero [looking at the ringing phone]:  Maybe whoever's calling will just get tired--oh, fine, I'll get it.  Bastard.  [picks up]  Hee-yello?  ...  Uh-huh...  ...  uh-huh, yeah...  ...  Is that right?  ...  Uh-huh...  What do you mean we're now called the "Eggman Hunters?"   [Meanwhile, on the other end...]   Farah [holding the phone, laughing maniacally]:  MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  [hangs up]   ______________________________________________   Eggman [serious tone]:  The adventures...  [gets louder]  of MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!   ♪♫ Clark Kent's super Bruce Wayne's Batman Everyone else Just looooves Eggman! ♪♫   Sonic [pops up out of nowhere]:  Not me!   ♪♫ Everyone who's evil Just looooves Eggman! ♪♫   _____________________________________________ _     The Adventures of Eggman Episode 7: "Random Rompings"   ______________________________________________   COMMERCIAL   Bob [bad Scottish accent]:  ... Oy...  Why does he leave me in charge of these!  I dinnae know how to make commercials!  Um, g'day, lads and lassies!  Dinnae ya recognize your ol' pal, Dr. Eggman?  I'm evil, and... oy, I have NOTHING to work with.  [Bob leaves.]   [Suddenly, we see static, and then another signal takes over.]   Mysterious Female Voice:  This is the Moon Rebellion!  We have secured the Moon Kingdom and freed it from Eggman's tyranny!  We have amassed an army the likes of which no one has ever seen!  Our mission; rebuild the Moon Kingdom and kill Eggman!  All those associated with Dr. Eggman will also perish!  Including the following:   [Tails's Super Secret Base]   Mysterious Female Voice:  The Cronies!   Sonic [throws arms up in defeat]:  Oh that's just great!  Thanks alot, Eggman!   [Sakura's house]   Mysterious Female Voice:  Sakura Kinomoto and Touya Kinomoto.   Sakura [worried]:  What!?   Tails [also worried]:  Oh, no... Sonic...   Touya [annoyed]:  Hey, WHAT THE FUCK!?  The hell did I do!?   [Gedo High]   Mysterious Female Voice:  Daigo Kazama, Gan Ishida, and especially Eiji Yamada!   Edge [he's "Eiji"]:  Why me!?  I'll kill them!!  ... "Especially?"  Holy shit!  They'll come after ME first!   Daigo [head in hands]:  I KNEW I should've killed Eggman!  I KNEW IT!!!   [Akuma's cave]   Mysterious Female Voice:  Davis Motomiya and his bumbling sidekick, Akuma!   Akuma [more angry than worried]:  SIDEKICK!?  BUMBLING!?   Davis [excited]:  Cool!  We'll be at war, soon!  Does this mean I'm the captain?   Akuma [charging an attack]:  MESSATSU!!!--   [Seijyun Girls School]   Mysterious Female Voice:  Akira Kazama, June Motomiya!   Akira [determined]:  Don't worry, Eggman-kun!  Akira will fight valiantly for thy honor!  [pulls out a Uzi]   June [eyes narrowed]:  What the hell did that little twerp do now?   [Within the underground headquarters of the secret ideological organization, ACROSS, Bowser and Il Palazzo hear this.]   Mysterious Female Voice:  King Bowser Koopa and High Lord Il Palazzo!  These are a few of the many that will pay for associating with the metal terrorist, Eggman!  We have spoken!   [The feed goes back to normal]   Announcer [catchy jingle]:  ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>   CD [Eggman's voice]:  JOIN!   ______________________________________________   [ACROSS HQ]   Il Palazzo [was playing Mario Kart Double Dash with Bowser when the Moon's signal took over]:  My god!  It's an attack of Hamlet-like proportions!   Bowser [grumbling]:  How come YOU get "High Lord?"   Il Palazzo:  Where is Eggman, anyway?  We were talking to him just a moment ago over the radio...   Bowser [cupping chin]:  ... and then we heard a bottle opening...  NESTEA!!!   Il Palazzo [stands up, pointing upwards]:  TO SYMPHONIA!!!   [A few minutes later, a rocket with the words "YOU DIDN'T SEE THIS!  -- IL PALAZZO, ACROSS" jets upwards from the City of F, taking out a few buildings.]   Il Palazzo [inside the rocket]:  Damn, I didn't want to take out the donut shop.   Bowser:  Don't worry, old chum!  It'll be back... with new and BETTER flavors!   Il Palazzo:  Like what?   Bowser [proudly]:  Beef!   Il Palazzo [shudders]:  Gross.   Bowser [questioningly]:  Chicken?  Veal, perhaps?   Il Palazzo [shaking his head]:  What's wrong with you!?   ______________________________________________   [Outside Eggman's new aerial command HQ, which looks like a giant Eggman-face, half-black and half-white... (read Cronies 10!)]   Amy [trapped inside the Ikaruga]:  Okay, here goes nothing!   [Amy starts shooting the ships and is actually doing really well.  She switches polarity just in time to absorb the various white and black bullets.]   Sonic [over the radio]:  Lookin' good, Amy!   Amy [blushes]:  Really, Sonic!?   Sonic [sounds impressed]:  Yeah, your piloting abilities are none too shabby at all!   Amy [disappointed]:  Oh, I see...   Knuckles [heard faintly in the background]:  Yeah, she's not sucking half as bad as I thought she would!   [Amy hears someone punch Knuckles.  She assumed it was Rouge.]   Sonic [over the radio still]:  Kay, Amy, if you can, wrap this up quickly!  We might have bigger fish to fry soon enough!   Amy:  We're having fish?   Sonic:  Um, maybe I should re-word that; we're going to be at war with some Moon people.   Amy:  ... I see.  Hey, what the--   [Suddenly, the large Eggman face starts shooting RED, GREEN, BLUE, and YELLOW bullets.  Amy dodges them desperately, not knowing what to do.]   Amy [looking around the cockpit desperately]:  This stupid shitty thing only turns black and white!  Sonic, what do I do?   Sonic [arguing with the other Cronies]:  Hang on, I'm looking into it!   ______________________________________________   [Tails's Super Secret Base]   Sonic [mutes radio]:  Okay, guys, what the hell do we do?   Rouge [thinking]:  Hmm... what combination of black and white makes green?   Sonic [staring at her blankly]:  ... NONE of them.   Shadow:  Tell Amy to absorb a blue and yellow at the same time!  They make white!   Knuckles:  They make GREEN, you stupid!   Shadow:  "And it's all in how you mix the two, and it starts just where the light exists."  It's the light spectrum, you dip-fuck!   Rouge [recognizing the line]:  No, that's The Used.   Knuckles [confused]:  Who are you using?   Rouge:  No, the band!   Knuckles:  What band?  What the hell do you mean?   Shadow [frustration]:  It's a very good song!  I cried.   Sonic [losing focus]:  You cried at Yellow and Blue?   Knuckles [more confused than ever]:  Who cries about colors!?   Rouge:  IT'S A SONG!   Knuckles:  WHAT SONG!?  WE'RE TALKING ABOUT YELLOW AND BLUE!!!   Rouge:  EXACTLY!  YELLOW AND BLUE BY THE USED!!!   Knuckles [cocks an eyebrow]:  I don't know what kind of riddles you speak, woman, but I'm saving Amy!  I have a plan!  [Knuckles mods the monitor they're using to see Amy to display only black and white; un-mutes the radio]  Okay, Amy, absorb away!   Rouge [sees Amy heading towards a rainbow beam and realizes what just happened; she shoves Knuckles away and speaks desperately into the radio]:  AMY YOU KNOW BETTER THAN TO LISTEN TO KNUCKLES!!!--   [Too late.  The Ikaruga explodes and, sadly, it has no extra lives.  Fortunately, Amy managed to eject and is floating back towards the mystic ruins.]   Rouge [angry]:  Knuckles, is "stupid" hereditary within your family?   Knuckles:  Actually, my race was power hungry and wiped themselves out!  [realization; sad] ... oh, yeah, I guess so.   ______________________________________________   [Meanwhile , on the world of Symphonia (after Sylvarant and Tethe'alla are rejoined), Lloyd and company has just found another sealed unicorn.]   Lloyd:  We should get Sheena to use Undine again!   Sheena [determined]:  You got it!  I call upon the Maiden of Water--   Genis:  Hey, do you all hear something?   Eggman's voice:  aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH-- [Eggman crashes into the lake, killing the unicorn on impact]   Colette [mortified]:  NOT THE HORSYYYYYYYY!!!   Zelos [sarcastic]:  Wow, Undine really let herself go!   Eggman [getting up]:  Eww...  I'm covered in unicorn! [makes squishy noises as he steps off the unicorn]  ... Oooohhh NOT AGAIN!!!   Lloyd [annoyed]:  And it's good to see you too, Dr. Eggman.   Eggman:  Hey guys!  Smoke much?   [The Symphonia group says nothing.]   Eggman:  Okay...  Um, sorry about the unicorn.  It was underneath me when I crushed it.  [observing his feet]  Hmm.... the little ridges in my shoes are filled with unicorn.   Colette [crying]:  OH GOD!!!   Genis:  Wow, I never have seen Colette cry so much in like, ever.   Regal:  Oh, Colette always cries.   Colette [tears stained face]:  No I don't!!!  [starts bawling even more]   Eggman:  Anyways, shut up for a moment.  Hey guys, we haven't seen each other for a while.  At least three weeks!  Let's get into trouble!  Let's steal books from the public library.   Raine [excited]:  I'm in!   Genis:  Sis!   Raine:  Oh how did you think I got all those books in the first place?   Genis:  With money you got by whoring yourself out--  [Raine then gives Genis a giant mother-fucking slap.]  OOWW!!!   Raine:  Who taught you such vulgar language?  Certainly not from me!   Zelos [looking around nervously]:  Uh...  Well, if we want to get stealing, we better get going!   ______________________________________________   [Meanwh ile on Earth, in the Eggman Cafe]   Kratos  [drinking some coffee as he reads the paper]:  Hmm...  Why does this coffee taste like... Eggman?  That's so disturbing.   Waiter [walking towards Kratos; pointing outside]:  Sir?  Could you please move your, um, star? [Outside on the street is... Derris-Kharlan, engulfing the sky for as far as the eye can see]  It's blocking our sun.   Kratos:  ... Crybaby. [sends Derris-Kharlan away; realization]  Aww man!  I have my drunken Raine porn in there!  [gives up]  Oh screw it.  [continues to read the paper]   ______________________________________________   [Above the town of Luin: City of Rebirth (still in Symphonia).]   Random town man:  Hey is that the Tower of Salvation?    Random town woman:  If it is, then why does it say, "YOU DIDN'T SEE THIS!  -- IL PALAZZO, ACROSS" --   [The rocket crashes into Luin and it becomes a pile of...  ruins again.  Il Palazzo and Bowser come out of it.]   Il Palazzo [looks disappointed and somewhat sad]:  Jeez, this is the second disaster that we've caused in the last hour or so.   Bowser:  Yeah but it's not as depressing as the doughnut shop.  We didn't familiarize ourselves with this place so it's no big deal.   Random town man:  No big deal!?  Quick, any survivors go grab some paper fans and attack them for destroying our town!   An old woman with a gruff voice:  I'll get them with my tambourine!   Il Palazzo [not worried]:  Tambourine?  Paper fans?  How weak is this pathetic -- [gets smacked really hard by a paper fan]  OWW!  That's not even possible!  It's like, getting hit with a strong sword!   Bowser [getting bashed on]:  Argh!!!  I'm getting hit with that tambourine!  It's very powerful for being a musical instrument!   Il Palazzo:  I believe that we are not wanted here!  Bowser, let's make a casual retreat!   Bowser:  I'm with you on that!   ______________________________________________   [Inside the Mystic Ruins Super Secret base.]   Sonic:  C'mon people!  Keep looking around.  Tails must have another invention somewhere that might be helpful right about now.   Amy [coming back from the destroyed Ikaruga; pissed off and sarcastic]:  Hey Knuckles.  Thanks for the help.  It was really helpful.   Knuckles:  Nice one, Amy.  If you were going to lash out on me, you could have at least said something smarter!   Rouge:  Oh look who's talking about intelligence, Knuckles!   [As the group is squabbling over nothing, Shadow finds an incomplete helicopter.  Attached to it was a note stating:  "Shadow, if you do see this note, do NOT crumple it up and let the team ride this helicopter!  It is not safe, since it is a prototype!  An incomplete prototype!  Oh for the love of god, Shadow--" Shadow proceeds to crumple it up.]   Shadow [calling to the Cronies]:  Hey guys!  I found a Cro-copter!   Sonic [goes to where Shadow found the copter]:  Nice going Shadow!   Shadow:  Yeah, I know I rock!    Knuckles [pouting]:  Wish I was the one who found it so I could get the glory.   Shadow:  Knuckles... shut up. There's no time to be upset about you not finding the Cro-copter.  Tails needs us; our bickering will have to end now!  I call pilot!   Knuckles [hopeful]:  When I see Tails, I'm going to tell him that I appreciate everything he's ever done for us! [pulls out a VHS tape; smiling] Especially for giving me a copy of his Amy/Rouge amateur tape!   Sonic:  He never made copies of that tape.  Knuckles, did you steal it?   Knuckles:  Look, we can just sit here all day, accusing people about who stole whose porn, but this does NOT solve our “Missing Tails” crisis!   Rouge [giving up]:  Whatever lets just go.   [The Cronies get in the Cro-copter.  Shadow (flying it) opens up a hanger and proceeds to fly the prototype vehicle.  But as they fly...]   Rouge [worried]:  Are you sure this thing’s really safe?   Shadow [concentrated]:  Rouge, please!  You know we had no other choice in the matter, so this prototype is the only thing that’ll get us back our little Tails!   Sonic [surprised]:  PROTOTYPE?!   Amy: Actually, I figured that this wasn’t complete. [looks out the side] There are nuts and bolts flying everywhere.   Shadow [interrupting]:  Relax! The prototype should be fine! And besides, knowing Tails, this craft is sound and should withstand the trip to save him.   Rouge [staring ahead and thinking]:  Do we even know where Tails is?   Shadow [blank expression]:  I... haven’t the foggiest.   [Nuts and bolts are pelting the ground underneath them]   Knuckles [nervous, but keeping a calm exterior; nuts and bolts starts to fall around his area, as well as violent shaking around his area only]:  Um, guys... the floor around me is starting to collapse—[falls through with his seat] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!   Shadow [unaware of his disappearance; asshole]:  Knuckles, you're going to have to speak up! There's a draft in here!   [Screaming, Knuckles plummets towards terra firma, still strapped into his chair, rather than, say, removing the belt and gliding to safety.]   Knuckles [still screaming]: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH--[impacts, causing the seat to collapse underneath him] Ow. [looks up, seeing nuts and bolts raining down slowly from the now-doomed prototype] That can’t be good.   ______________________________________________   [Back in Symphonia, near the Balacruf Mausoleum]   Eggman [holding a bunch of books]:  That was the best pillaging  we have ever done.  That got me horny!  Especially the porn!   Genis:  Yeah...  especially the one with Raine on the cover.  [proud]  Yep, this just proves my theory -- [gets smacked in the back of the head by Raine]  OOWW!!!   Lloyd [drooling; holding a porno]:  Heh yeah!  And not to mention that in this issue she's taking it in all three holes at once -- [gets rib punched by Raine]  AAAHHH!!!   Eggman:  YEAH!!!  Talk about slutty.  We got some whores back where I come from but they don't do half of the shit she -- [Raine cans Eggman with her staff]  Oooowww... my egg-shaped testicles!   Zelos:  HAHA!  Not to mention --[sees Raine's about to smack him if he says another word]  I'll be good.   Sheena [trying to change the subject]:  Uh...  anyways, why exactly did you come back here Eggman?  You did fall from the sky and all.   Eggman:  Oh, clearly by accident.   Lloyd:  Well, since you're here, can I make a request?   Eggman:  No.   Lloyd [continuing]:  Can you make another ice show?   Eggman:  Fuck no!  That took too long to make!    Genis:  I bet it didn't take long at all.  You DID improvise all of it.  Including the parts we couldn't stick around for. [narrowing eyes at Raine] Because someone didn't think it was appropriate for us. We had to study!   Raine:  Well it WASN'T appropriate for you!   Lloyd:  What about me!?   Raine:  Lloyd, nothing's appropriate for you.   Eggman [pissed off]:  Hey, hey!!!  EVERYTHING I do is "appropriate".  [Eggman then vigorously scratches his egg-shaped testicles]   Colette [crying; grabbing a Rheaird]:  THAT'S ENOUGH!  I WANNA GO HOME! [flies off]   Eggman [waving]:  Bye-bye!  Such a nice girl.  I wonder what made her leave...   Mysterious familiar voice [extremely pissed off; female voice]:  Perhaps, it's you, Eggman!  Like it always is!!!   Eggman:  That whorish voice!  It could only be -- MR. MONEYBAGS!?  MY SEARCH IS OVER!  I CAN KILL YOU!!!   Farah [revealed]:  No... I'm clearly a woman you idiot.  Seriously, what do people see in you?    Eggman:  My rugged good looks!   Farah [mad]:  I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO ANSWER!  [calm again]  But don't worry, this time I have reinforcements that will destroy you and [points to Lloyd, Genis, and Zelos] those three!!!   Zelos:  Hey I know her!  Isn't she the girl that the three of us beat in the last match of the coliseum team finals?   Lloyd [laughing a bit]:  Yeah, with that cool looking guy and that magic girl with that blue squirrel-thing!   Genis [also laughing]:  She has that very ugly orange dress!  What does she have to hide?   Regal [adding in]:  Or what DOESN'T she have to hide!   [Everyone laughs except Farah.]   Eggman [to Farah]:  They're saying you're a man!   Farah [embarrassed]:  Now I'm definitely going to kill Genis!   Genis:  What!?  That's not what I meant!   Raine [getting on a Rheaird]:  Well boys, I think my time here is up.  Have fun! [flies off]   Genis:  Good riddance... she wasn't helping us anyways... just beating us.   Sheena:  Um.. guys?  Good luck with the psycho.  Regal and I are just going to be watching and making witty comments when the appropriate moments occur.   Regal:  Agreed.   Genis:  Fine!  We at least got Presea to help us!  Right Presea?   Presea [indifferent]:  Wahoo.   Genis [frustrated]:  I knew we shouldn't have put her in that stupid Klonoa outfit! [shaking her] C'mon Presea! Say something!   Presea [being shaken violently by Genis]:  W-w-w-a-a-h-h-o-o.   Farah [vein popping in forehead]:  Grrr... Stop ignoring me!  That's it!  Get 'em boys!   Eggman:  Wait, how'd you know I was here?   Mysterious Zero-sounding voice:  We have every little bit of data on you, Dr. Eggman.   Eggman [worried]: Oh no!  NOT THEM!  The only robots I fear...   X [spotlights on him as he poses]:  Leader of the 17th Unit, Maverick Hunters, X!   Zero [spotlights on him as he poses]:  Leader of the special Unit #0, Maverick Hunters, Zero!   Axl Low [spotlights on him as he poses and swings his chains around haphazardly]:  Chain-wielding, Time Traveler, Axl Low!!!  [he accidentally lets go and the chain flies in the direction of Sheena and Regal]   Sheena:  Whoa heads up! [protecting herself]   Regal [turns head so that he's looking away]:  Heads where? [gets hit in the back of the head; spirals towards (almost poetically) the ground]   Sheena [to herself]:  Uh... I think I'll prepare myself, in case something flies at me...   X [continuing]:  We are... [they all pose together]  The Eggman Hunters wait a minute!!!  Who are you?   Zero [confused]:  Yeah, I was thinking the same thing!  And since when do we pose?   Axl Low:  Why, I'm everyone's mate of mates, Axl Low!   X [to Farah]:  Farah, you told us you got our Axl!   Farah [defensive]:  I did!  He told me he knows you!   [RETARDED FLASHBACK]   Axl Low [on the phone]:  Uh-huh...  yeah, this is Axl!  Sure I know them!  I'm everyone's pal!  Just tell good ol' Mr. X and Cyril that their partner Axl is on the way!  [hangs up]  What nice people!  I wonder who they are...   [END RETARDED FLASHBACK]   Zero [cupping chin]:  Hmm... then where did our Axl head off to?   ______________________________________________   [Meanwhile , elsewhere.]   Axl [the hunter from Megaman X]:  This is fun!  Who else do you want me to imitate, Mr. Badguy?   Sol [thinking]:  Hmm... do me!   Axl [turns into Sol; sounds serious]:  This isn't fun.  Watch your mouth.  Don't touch me.  Gunflame, and such.  [he turns back]  Anyone else?   Sol [thinking s'more]:  Hmm... do... Ky Kiske!   Axl [all excited]:  All right!  He's the coolest human being alive!  I love that righteous bloke!  [transforms into Ky]  Stun Edge!   Sol [murderous rage]:  Oh, attacking me unprovoked, are we, god-boy?   Axl [still looks like Ky]:  No, I'm not really him!   Sol [attacking]:  TYRANT RAVE!   Axl [back to normal]:  Oh god why?  This isn't fun anymore!   ______________________________________________   COMME RCIAL
Announcer:  Eggman Empire Industries expands its product line!  Keep an eye out for the following handy new products, used by Dr. Eggman himself!   Eggman:  They're spam-tastic!   Announcer:  Eggman Birth Control Pills!   [Daigo and Akira's house.  Daigo just found Akira's Eggman Birth Control Pills.]   Daigo [some mix of panic, shock, and rage]:  AKIRA!  WHY ARE YOU TAKING BIRTH CONTROL PILLS?   Akira [angry]:  Brother Daigo, why are you looking through my things?   Daigo:  MORE TO THE POINT, WHY ARE THEY EGGMAN-BRAND BIRTH CONTROL PILLS!?  Couldn't you just get a prescription from a normal doctor and go from there?   Akira:  But I did!  Eggman prescribed them!   Daigo:  And I suppose Eggman's a doctor!?  ... Oh, wait, he is.  Damn you, you fat bastard...  Who are you using these with?  It's Edge, isn't it?  I'll kill him!   Akira [crosses arms]:  Oh, really, now, Daigo.  Edge?  Of all people?   Edge [listening outside their window]:  ... Ow.  My fragile male pride.  [slinks away]   [Back to the announcer...]   Announcer:  Eggman Dandruff Control Shampoo!   [Batsu's bathroom.  He's staring at the mirror.  He's now BALD.]   Batsu [reading the bottle]:  "Use once every two months?"  Oh, god, I LOOK LIKE MY DAD!  AND EGGMAN!   [Sephiroth:  Tailor of Death]   Aeris [mortal scream]:  AAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!  SEPHY, SEPHY, LOOK!!! [near tears; she's bald too]   Sephy [reading newspaper, uninterested]:  Now, Aeris, we've been over this.  Just because you ate a whole turkey doesn't mean you're [sees her] fat, you're... bald.  [sighs]  What have we talked about regarding reading directions?   Aeris [tears]:  I'M UGLY!   Sephiroth [doing a poor job of comforting her]:  There's nothing I can say that'll prevent me from sleeping outside tonight, is there?   Aeris:  NO!   Sephiroth:  Oh, c'mon, just wear a paper bag or something.   Aeris:  THAT'S DISGUSTING, LIKE THAT GROSS DR. FAUST!   Faust [listening outside their window]:  ... Ow.  My fragile male pride.  [opens up an umbrella and flies away]   [Back to the announcer...]   Announcer:  The Eggman "Double Trouble" Trampoline!   [Tomoeda Elementary schoolyard.  Yamazaki, the closed-eyes boy who sprouts useless trivia, is bouncing on a trampoline that has ANOTHER trampoline suspended above, facing down.  The human game of Pong continues for a few moments, then Yamazaki is ejected out, and in great pain.]   Yamazaki [sprawled on grass, in horrible pain]:  Did you know that pain exists in multiple states, and in multiple forms?   Captain Falcon:  Okay, next is Sakura!   Sakura [fear]:  But, sensei, it looks dangerous!   Captain Falcon:  Oh, you big baby!  Fine.  I'll demonstrate that it's perfectly safe!   [Five seconds later...]   Captain Falcon [clutching his hyper-extended knee, sitting on the grass]:  This isn't safe at all!  Give me the number on that trampoline, and a phone!   Sakura:  Hai!   [Captain Falcon dials the number, unaware that Eggman never puts his own number on his products; he always puts someone else's...]   Captain Falcon [hears someone picking up]:  Hello, I'd like to file a complaint!  You're an ignorant two-faced whore with a father complex who gets off selling unsafe playground equipment to ignorant teachers like me!  ... Oh, hello Samus!  What?  [angry yelling is heard over the phone]  I got this number from something called the "Double Trouble"... [more angry yelling]  NO, I'M NOT DRUNK!  [more yelling, a few censor beeps, and then a click.]  ... Ow.  My fragile male pride. [broods, and Sakura pats his shoulder]   Announcer [catchy jingle]:  ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>   CD [Eggman's voice, from nowhere]:  JOIN!   ______________________________________________   [Sakura' s house.  Touya is hanging out with Tails in a new media entertainment home-theatre and gaming center of his own design.]   Touya [sipping a martini]:  This is great!  Tails, there's no one on Earth who needs you more than me!   Yukito [also in the room; sad, because he and Touya are an item]:  ... Ow.  My fragile male pride.  [Crying, he runs out of the room.]   Touya:  Oh c'mon, Yuki, I'm kidding!  Oh, nuts.   Tails [puts his martini down]:  Actually, Touya, I appreciate all you and Sakura have done for me, but I think I must leave.  I have to go back home, to my friends who need me.   Touya [panic, gags on the drink a little]:  What!?  No, wait, c'mon!  You can't go!  I need you!  You build me things!  And I pay you good money, as well as provide room and board!   Tails:  But if the Moon Kingdom attacks, the Cronies will put up a good fight but surely will fail!  They need a trump card.  They need...  me.  Goodbye, Touya!   [Tails opens the window, waves goodbye, and flies off.]   Touya [arms outside the window]:  NOOOOOOOO!!!  TAILS!!!  Aw, well.  Time to have make-up sex with Yuki.   ______________________________________________   [Back at the Mystic Ruins Super Secret Base. The Cronies, all covered in bruises and pain, have regrouped, and are now contemplating their next move.]   Rouge:  We searched all over the base, you guys.  There's nothing in here that'll help us save him.   Knuckles:  We're USELESS without him!  He told us what things did! [pulls out a pointer-type item; pokes Rouge with it]  Like, what does this thing do?   Rouge [slaps it off his hands]:  Stop it! If you don't know what it is, then you shouldn't play with it!   Shadow [struck with inspiration]:  Of course!  It's so simple: if we want to find Tails, then we'll have to think like Tails!   Sonic:  You mean?   Shadow:  That's right.  We're gonna have to build something.   Amy [disbelief]:  You're kidding, right? All of us aren't that mechanically inclined, you know.  We can't even build a toaster!   Shadow [determined]:  Don't doubt our combined strength, Amy!   [Two hours later, inside one of the many laboratories...]   Shadow [wiping sweat off his brow]:  There. It's finally done.  We may have rushed a few steps, but overall, this should be effective and efficient enough to get the job done!   [Their brilliant invention, a one-slot toaster, pops up a burnt piece of toast]   Knuckles [tries taking out the blackened piece]:  Uh, guys, the bread's jammed in the slot.   Amy [amazed at herself]:  Wow, I was wrong! I guess the five of us CAN build a toaster in under two hours.   Sonic [sarcastic]:  Yeah, that's real swell.  Now, let's build something that'll actually SAVE Tails!!   Shadow:  Oh yeah! [bites into the toast] GAAAHHH!! Disgusting!! [determined] Despite terrible toast, we cannot rest!  Search around for things that can be used for saving our little foxboy!   [The Cronies now disperse into separate units.  Shadow passes by a random person using two TVs.  On one TV, the person plays Legend Of Zelda: A Link to the Past on an antique Super Nintendo.  On the other TV, that very same person also watches the History Channel's "Catapults, and Other Throwing Stuff."  Shadow looks intently at both a) the on-screen Link using a Grapple Hook to grab a Heart Container, and b) an ancient catapult tossing infidels over walls.  Finally putting two and two together...]   Shadow:  OF COURSE!!   [Back in the laboratories, the Cronies are working intently, having created three items in half an hour.]   Sonic [reviewing what they made]:  ... A CD?  A plastic bag!?  How can these save Tails?   Knuckles:  We suck.   Amy:  Wait... [holds up a Hook shot] What about this?   Shadow [slaps his own head]:  How stupid was I!   [The Cronies are now building something massive.  The group starts to feel the exhaustion of three hours of inventing.  If not for one little inspiration, the group would have just given up immediately.]   Shadow [in a daze; very angry]:  JUST INVENT THE ITEM!!! [begins working again]   Knuckles [raises an eyebrow]:  Okay...   ______________________________________________   [Meanw hile, back on Symphonia, Lloyd, Genis, Zelos, and Eggman are fighting with X, Zero, and Axl Low.  Sheena watches, sloppily eating a bag of "popped corn."  Regal is still KO'ed.]   Eggman [dodging several beam saber swings and X-Buster shots]:  Gah!  These stupid Maverick Hunters!  What the hell did she do, bribe them with bitchiness!?   Farah [chasing around a very frantic Genis]:  Come 'ere you little rat!  I'm going to make you pay for Meteor Storm!   Genis [running, arms forward, as fast as he can]:  Lloyd, Zelos, Sheena, anytime now!   Sheena [mouth full]:  I'm watchin'!   Lloyd [running at Farah]:  Hang on, little buddy!   [Suddenly, a chain wraps around Lloyd's ankle, tripping him.  He hears Axl's high-pitched, very annoying laugh.]   Axl Low:  Eat that, guv-nah!   Lloyd [picking himself up]:  Gah!  So... irritating...  ZELOS, save Genis!   [Lloyd sees that Farah has grabbed Genis and has him in the popular WWE submission hold, the Crippler Crossface.]   Zelos:  I'm trying, but I have to fight off this metallic humanoid over here! [Zelos deflects some more X-Buster shots and counters with a Hell Pyre fireball.]   [As the fight continues, X, Zero, Axl Low, and Farah gain the upper hand.  They approach our heroes, about to finish them, until...]   Axl Low [moron]:  I'll finish them!   [Axl violently and randomly swings his chains around like a retard, binding and choking X, Zero, and Farah.]   Farah [angry]:  You... IDIOT!   Axl Low [idiot]:  Oopsies!  Hang on a moment, let's try pulling THIS way!   [Axl Low gives the chain a hard yank, jerking the three around.  Lloyd, Genis, Zelos, and Eggman slink away.]   [Suddenly, from nowhere, as the hunters free themselves from Axl's chains...]   Regal [gets up, eyes burning; he breaks out of his shackles]:  WHAT DEAD MAN THREW THE CHAIN AT MY FACE!?   [X points at Zero.  Zero points at Farah.  Farah points at X.  Axl Low picks his nose.]   Regal [scary]:  THEN YOU ALL SHALL FEEL MY WRATH!!!  HAAAAAAAA!!!   [With demonic speed and uninhibited fury, Regal runs at and beats the holy hell out of the hunters.  X tries shooting at him, but the bullets just bounce off.  Regal grabs Axl's chains, and, with Axl helplessly swinging off the other end, smashes and slaps X, Zero, and Farah around.  He grabs Zero's beam saber (BY THE BLADE).]   Zero [he had taken a swing when Regal grabbed the beam blade]:  That's... that's NOT POSSIBLE--   [A wide-eyed Zelos and Sheena stare as the fight ends within the next twenty seconds.  Regal ties the four up in Axl's chains, then football punts them into the sunset.]   Farah [flying away]:  DAMN YOU EGGMAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaannn--   Eggman [matter-of-factly]:  Well that was unexpected.  Don't piss off Regal!   Regal [calm now; pulls out a spare set of shackles]:  Doctor, would you mind shackling me up again?   Eggman:  Certainly.  [does so; looks at his watch]  Hmm... my ride should get here right about... now.   Bowser [suddenly appears, running with Il Palazzo]:  EGGMAN, WE GOTTA GO NOW!   Il Palazzo:  WE DESTROYED SOME TOWN NAMED LUIN!!!   Lloyd [shock]:  WHAT!?  We put millions of MY GALD into that town! [stamping the floor] MY.  FUCKING.  FRAGILE.  MALE.  PRIDE!!!   Eggman:  It's been fun, bitches, but I gotta go now!  [Eggman drops a smoke bomb, and then they're gone.]   Zelos [looking around]:  ... Where's Lloyd and Genis?   ______________________________________________   [Meanwh ile, on the rocket back to earth]   Eggman:  Man, I can't believe how we amazingly got back INTO Luin and stole the rocket!  Yeppirs!  I'm never telling that story to anyone!   Bowser:  Yep, you said it.  Hey, what's in the bag?   [Eggman's holding a burlap sack that appears to be struggling.]   Eggman [lying]:  Duty-free goods.   Il Palazzo [shakes head]:  You have a kidnapping problem, Eggman.   Eggman [shame]:  It's becoming less frequent.   ______________________________________________   COMM ERCIAL   [The country of Latveria]   Dr. Doom [of Marvel fame]:  Greetings, good people.  I am the benevolent ruler of Latveria, Dr. Victor Von Doom.  Today, thanks to Dr. Eggman, I present to you Dr. Doom's latest, greatest invention--   [Suddenly, a female voice speaks in the background.]   Female Voice:  Victor Von Doom!  Your time is up!   Dr. Doom [looking around]:  The devil?  This is MY commercial!   [A spotlight (from where!?) appears on none other than... Sailor Moon?]   Sailor Moon:  I stand for love and justice!  And in the name of the Moon, I will punish you!   Dr. Doom [laughing]:  That's cute kid.  Tell you what; hit me with your best shot.   Sailor Moon [grabbing her tiara and charging it with energy, as anime "speed lines" appear from behind her]:  Moon... Tiara...   Dr. Doom [confused]:  Hey, where did those lines come from?   Sailor Moon [throws the glowing tiara]:  MAGIC!!!   [As the projectile approaches, Doom's suit returns an analysis of the attack.]   Dr. Doom [reading it out loud]:  Let's see... the attack ignores conventional defense, and destroys sentient targets that are "evil."  ... [realization] OH SHIT!!!   [Before he can dodge, the tiara hits, and Doom seemingly evaporates into dust.]   Sailor Moon [putting the tiara back on; faces the camera]:  Let this be a lesson to Earth and Eggman's subordinates!  I will be merciful on your planet if you bring me... EGGMAN!!!   [Meanwhile, at Four Freedoms Plaza, the home of Dr. Doom's main rivals, the Fantastic Four...]   Mr. Fantastic [all pissed off]:  The hell!?  We fought Doom for years upon years, and that's how he dies?  [angrily punches a wall]   Invisible Woman [calling from another room]:  Honey, time for dinner!  I made tacos!   Mr. Fantastic [happy]:  Ooo, tacos!   Announcer [catchy jingle]:  ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>   CD [Eggman's voice, from nowhere, yet again]:  JOIN!   ______________________________________________   Cardi o Workout.