Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ The Adventures of Eggman ❯ Episode 8 - "Ixo facto, therefore, let's just advance the damn plot so that in the next story, I'll ( Chapter 8 )

The Adventures of Eggman

 

A triple team production by:

 

THE TRIPLE PEEPS

Apollo Alexandre, a.k.a. "Grand Master Shoma" (GMS)

Neusa Gaspar, a.k.a. "Judge Neusy"

Carlos Alexandre, a.k.a. "CMA" (CMA)

 

http://www.triplepeeps.com/

 

Judge Neusy: DISCLAIMER: Any characters mentioned in this story that are not the distinctive likenesses of anyone else--including, but not limited to, Sega, Sonic Team, Nintendo, Clamp, Nelvana, Namco, Koshi Rikdo, Capcom, etc.--were created by us, and may not be used without our permission. All characters and distinctive likenesses not created by us are the property of their respective owners.

 

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[Sakura Kinomoto's room. Sakura's doing homework. Suddenly, who should burst in but--]

 

Eggman [talking in a hurry, holding a burlap sack]: Hey Sakura, what's up?

 

Sakura [concentrating more on her homework]: Hey, Eggman-kun, what's "3x + 4?" Solve for "x."

 

Eggman [opening her closet]: Oh, it's "-4/3"; Sakura, I'm putting something in your closet again, okay?

 

Sakura [still studying]: No, Eggman-kun! My room isn't a stash for your kidnapping victims! Now what's the answer for "7y-6y-2?"

 

Eggman [rummaging around her closet]: It's quite simply two. Sakura, where's the victim in this open bag?

 

Sakura: I let him go, Eggman-kun.

 

Eggman [whiny]: Oooooooooh! You let him gooooooooo!? Whyyyyyyyyyy!?

 

Sakura: Would you like some tea since you're still here? [looks around and just sees an Eggman-shaped cloud and her open window; she sighs, opens her closet, and opens the bag] Hello?

 

Lloyd [falling out]: OH THANK GOD, AIR AGAIN!!!

 

Genis [feeling his way out; touches and rubs Sakura's chest by mistake]: Lloyd, izzat you? Wow, you're way softer than usual!

 

Lloyd: I'm right here, Genis!

 

Genis [looks up to see a blushing, wide-eyed Sakura]: Oh, crap.

 

______________________________________________

 

Eggman [serious tone]: The adventures... [gets louder] of MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

 

♪♫

Clark Kent's super

Bruce Wayne's Batman

Everyone else

Just looooves Eggman!

♪♫

 

Sonic [pops up out of nowhere]: Not me!

 

♪♫

Everyone who's evil

Just looooves Eggman!

♪♫

 

______________________________________________

 

 

The Adventures of Eggman

Episode 8:

"Ixo facto, therefore, let's just advance the damn plot so that in the next story, I'll shower and it'll seem like I always shower and the fact that I just said I didn't just to make a quick joke at the expense of my dignity will be forgotten and man is this ever the biggest run-on sentence or what!?"

 

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COMMERCIAL

 

Eggman: Greetings, good people. This is Dr. Eggman. And today, I bring you... okay, okay, I have to get a few things off of my chest. [angry] What the hell is up with coconut gummy bears? I mean, it's understandable that not a lot of people eat gummy bears! I myself, don't eat a lot of gummy bears. Sure, I can gobble down the cherry and orange ones, and I sometimes pick at the lemon and green apple ones! But... COCONUT?! They could've picked any other flavors, like pineapple, or peach, or chicken for God's sake! But NOOOOOOO... [stark raving mad] THEY HAD TO PICK COCONUT!!! I mean, gummy bears are quite chewy, but when the hell-infused coconut bears bind your gums together, it creates a flavor inside you that's SO horrid, that it just makes you WANT TO DIE!

 

Bob [confused]: ... What the hell?! I like coconut gummy bears!

 

Eggman: Also, there's this guy named Edgar Gaaloto. He plays this cool flute. Rather well. But he released a CD where he takes famous songs, like Hotel California and I Had a Dream, removes the words, and plays his flute in place of the words! What. The. Fuck! Have you ever listened to Hotel California? The whole point is about a drug addiction! You NEED the WORDS to get that, not a woodwind instrument! [starting to lose it] IT'S SO FUCKING RETARDED!!! HE JUST PLAYS THE FLUTE IN PLACE OF THE WORDS!!! WHY THE FUCK DOESN'T HE PLAY HIS OWN SONGS!!? FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK.

 

Bob [scared]: Um, sir, perhaps you should--

 

Eggman [stands up, flinging his chair back]: AND ANOTHER THING! That living planet in Gradius V! Stage 4? WHAT'S ITS FUCKING PURPOSE!!? It floats there, doing nothing, and shifts around like no body of ANYTHING should be doing! It contributes NOTHING to society! AND IT'S CRAWLING WITH PARASITES!!! IT'S INFECTED!!! WORMS AND SHIT FLYING EVERYWHERE!!! It doesn't make any sense! And the other stages aren't much better! Stage 6 is just some poison shit-spewing hunk of metal that you should've just flown by! And how did he go back in time to help himself!? Wouldn't that be a loop that goes on forever!? AND ANOTHER THING--

 

Bob: Aye, I think we should cut.

 

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

 

CD [Eggman's voice]: JOIN!

 

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[Sakura's room.]

 

Lloyd: ... and that pretty much sums it up.

 

Sakura [hanging on his every word]: Wow, that's incredible! Well, until you can find a way home, you can stay in our new guest floor!

 

Lloyd: Sweet, Genis! We get our own floor!

 

Genis [under his breath; no one can hear him]: Wow... this girl's even prettier and nicer than Presea!

 

Lloyd: Hey, Genis, man, why are you blushing? Was it because you put your hand to her chest? I did that to Colette once, and things went, you know, REALLY well after!

 

Genis: That was Sheena and she kicked your ass after! But she secretly liked it because she's in love with you!

 

Lloyd: Wow, that's TWO girls that are in love with me! That's much better than you, Genis!

 

Genis [lightning crackles around the room]: I call upon thee in the land of the dead to unleash thy fury of thunder! INDIGNATION!

 

[Meanwhile, downstairs]

 

Touya: Hey, brat, I'm back! What's for dinner?

 

[Brilliant flashes of lightning light up the Kinomoto residence, shocking one poor Lloyd Irving and blowing out Touya's entertainment center that Tails built.]

 

[Later...]

 

Touya [kneeling over his big-screen TV like it was a dead son]: It just wanted to entertain me! [cries] WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!?

 

Sakura [to Lloyd and Genis]: Um, let me talk to him; I'm sure he'll understand. Then tomorrow, I can take you guys to school with me!

 

Lloyd [shock]: There's school here too? [cries] WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!?

 

Genis [to Sakura]: He hates school.

 

Sakura [nodding]: Ah.

 

______________________________________________

 

[The next day, at Tomoeda Elementary, Sakura's home room class...]

 

Captain Falcon: Good morning, kids! How's it goin'? Hey, lookin' sweet! Whoa, whoa, hang on a moment; how old are you, kid?

 

Lloyd: I'm seventeen!

 

Captain Falcon [puts a hand on Lloyd's shoulder]: Sorry, son, but I think a high school might be more up your alley!

 

Lloyd [shock]: There's more than one kind of school!?

 

Captain Falcon: Where'd you come from, a hick town or something?

 

Lloyd [angry]: Oh, man, Zelos was right; we ARE hicks! Well, later Genis!

 

Genis: Bye-bye, Lloyd! [waves]

 

Captain Falcon [to Genis]: Ah, a new student! Come, we'll learn lots of cool stuff! How's it goin'? You want a cookie? What's your name?

 

[Later...]

 

Meilin [to Genis]: Wow, I love your hair!

 

Naoko: Wow, he's so small! So cute!

 

[Genis laughs nervously, blushing]

 

Yamazaki: Half-elves like him are rare, and possess formidable magical abilities!

 

Rika [another student]: Wow, he's a half-elf? That's so cool!

 

Yamazaki: Yes, but half-elves, in some places, are hated and feared. It's so unfair!

 

Tomoyo: It's so sad!

 

Shaoron: Don't worry, Genis; anyone gives you trouble, you let me know.

 

Sakura [hugging Shaoron's arm]: You're so sweet, Shaoron-kun!

 

Genis [smiling]: You're all so nice! Thank you!

 

______________________________________________

 

[One of Eggman's secret floating bases.]

 

Bowser [sitting at a large table]: You done your errand?

 

Eggman [sitting]: Yeah, yeah, whatever. What's the situation, boys?

 

Il Palazzo [thumbing through some folders]: Well, we learned that the Moon Kingdom has rebelled, liberated themselves, landed on Earth, and... KILLED Dr. Doom.

 

Eggman [blinks]: Killed Dr. Doom!? That's impossible! That guy is slippery-er than a condom after hot nasty sex!

 

Bowser [shakes his head]: ... disgusting.

 

Eggman: Seriously, I tried killing him once, and it turned out to be a Doom-bot!

 

[FLASHBACK - Dr. Doom's apartment; scene plays in slow motion. Eggman gives Doom a front kick to the ribs, sending the mad dictator (Doom, not Eggman) into a mirror. The man falls apart, revealing himself to be a Doom-bot.]

 

Il Palazzo [back to the present]: You... tried to... kill Dr. Doom!?

 

Eggman [defensive]: He didn't give me royalties!

 

Il Palazzo: What royalties!?

 

Eggman: For all the Doom-bots I helped him make!

 

Bowser [trying to move on]: Yes, yes, this is retarded. Anywho, the Moonies--

 

Eggman [nodding]: Nice.

 

Bowser: Thanks. The Moonies have taken over Latveria and are slowly moving to take over that shit-tier of all continents... Antarctica.

 

Il Palazzo [concerned]: Not the penguins! Wait, why would they suddenly jump from wherever the hell Latveria is to Antarctica?

 

Eggman [hits his palm with his fist]: Of course! I have a base there pumping out penguin robots! They will mingle with the meat penguins and eventually conquer.

 

Il Palazzo [still browsing his folder]: There are Moonie forces encroaching upon several key locations, including Station Square, the City of F, and the Mushroom Kingdom. Oh, and Japan.

 

Eggman: Oh, everything happens in Japan! Godzilla happens there, some of World War II happened there, and they have freaky hentai tentacle rape porno!

 

Il Palazzo [nodding]: Yeah, we have the sweet life.

 

Eggman [standing]: Okay, I have a plan, but first we must consult an old friend of ours.

 

Bowser [gasps]: You don't mean--

 

Eggman: That's right. HIM. The most learned retired operative we know...

 

______________________________________________

 

[Captain Falcon's class...]

 

Captain Falcon: Children, I'm going to go make copies of today's test. I'll be back in five to ten. Study until then!

 

[Captain Falcon leaves as the rest of the students gather around Genis, who is busy studying.]

 

Meilin: Hey, what are you doing?

 

Genis [looking up]: Oh, studying!

 

Naoko [giggles]: Oh, he's so cute! Seriously, what are you doing?

 

Genis: I am serious. I like schoolwork.

 

Sakura [explains]: Oh, you don't need to worry about that! When Captain Falcon says "study" he means just do our own thing.

 

Genis: But I am doing my own thing!

 

Meilin: Oh, c'mon, don't be like that! Tell us a story about your adventures on your faraway planet!

 

Genis [thinking]: Well...

 

[Genis remembers several none-too-choice moments about his upbringing and journeys. Amongst the scenes that play out in his mind, there are several of Raine slapping him, others of trying to explain to Lloyd how "addition" works, and finally one of Zelos trying to help Genis woo Presea's heart... by dressing him in a fluffy pirate shirt.]

 

Genis [laughing nervously]: ... my stories are a little... embarrassing...

 

Meilin: Well, then cast a spell or something!

 

[The class all agrees, urging Genis to showoff his abilities.]

 

Genis [blushing a bit]: Alright, alright. [he holds out his hand and wills some ice magic to form a crystalline flower; the class oohs and awes]

 

Shaoron [impressed]: Excellent magical control.

 

Sakura [also impressed]: I agree!

 

[Genis then wills the flower to disappear, and makes a small, detailed chapel in its place, earning applause. Finally, he makes a small likeness of Sakura, before being interrupted by...]

 

Blood Falcon [Captain Falcon's evil double in a red-outfit; speaks in a decidedly sinister, wacky Saturday-morning villain tone]: Greetings, children! It is I, your beloved teacher, Captain Douglas Jay Falcon! It is time for your lessons on EVIL! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

 

Sakura [raises her hand]: Um... Blood Falcon...

 

Blood Falcon [looks shocked and surprised]: GAH! Revealed! Tell me, child; how did you discover my secret?

 

Sakura [just stares in a "is this guy for real?" way]: Well, firstly, you tried painting your outfit blue, which even if it wasn't still wet and dripping, looks obviously fake. Secondly, you don't sound anything like Falcon-sensei.

 

Blood Falcon: CURSES! Well, instead of fooling you children, I will murder this parrot!

 

[Lt. Talon, Falcon's pet falcon (not parrot) gets this "crazy gleam" in his eye.]

 

[Next, we see the classroom from the outside. Blood Falcon is suddenly thrown out the window by the bird, who continues pecking at him.]

 

Blood Falcon [running]: STOP IT MY FACE IS BLEEDING!!!

 

[Back inside...]

 

Captain Falcon: Okay children, take one and pass it back.

 

Sakura [blushing]: Um, Falcon, these aren't tests--

 

Captain Falcon [realization as he sees that he's photocopied his personal stash of Samus photos in situations she'd never allow pictures to be taken in, including showering and changing]: OH, um, NOTHING TO SEE CHILDREN! Pass them back to the front and I'll confiscate them all.

 

Shaoron [narrowing his eyes]: Falcon-sensei, did you install a series of cameras on Ms. Aran's ship?

 

Captain Falcon [looking and feeling guilty]: ... Yes, yes I did. And to set a good example for you kids, I will burn the pictures and confess my sins. [he pulls out a cell phone and hits speed-dial number one] ... Hello, Samus? Yes, this is Captain Falcon! What do you mean 'how did I get this number'?" You big silly! Anywho, I've done a terrible thing to you and must confess! I have installed a series of--

 

[A few moments later, Samus's ship touches down in the yard outside the classroom.]

 

Captain Falcon [nervous]: Gotta go kids! Free study time till the end of the day! [runs away]

 

[Several more seconds later, Samus jumps into the class through the broken window in full armor but without the helmet.]

 

Samus: Kids, where did your teacher go?

 

Genis [blushing a bit at the pretty woman's face]: Oh, um, er, I think he--

 

[Suddenly, the Blue Falcon speeds out of the school parking lot.]

 

Samus: Kids, can you at least tell me where the cameras are?

 

Sakura [pointing at the stack of photocopies]: The pictures should give you a general idea. Ms. Aran, are you going to kill our Falcon-sensei?

 

Samus [speaks reassuringly]: Oh, children, children, don't be silly! [tone turns dead serious] Yes.

 

[Samus quickly boards her ship, papers in hand, and speeds off after the Blue Falcon.]

 

Genis [all happy]: Wow! School here is awesome!

 

Lloyd [outside, appearing through the broken window]: Whoa, that giant metal bird almost killed me! Hey, Genis!

 

Genis [surprised]: Lloyd, what the hell!? You have class! Why aren't you there?

 

Lloyd [blissfully ignorant and happy; hands Genis a piece of paper]: Here!

 

Genis [reading silently; finishes]: Oh my god, you're so dumb that they're putting you in junior-high!?

 

Lloyd [happy]: No "higher school" for me! Now I can be with my buddy! [jumps through the window and gives Genis a big hug]

 

Genis: ... goody.

 

______________________________________________

 

[The streets of New York...]

 

Il Palazzo [still reading files]: Mr. Turtle. Currently known as the Turtles mascot. Secretly a retired operative of every known intelligence organization in the world, including the FBI, CIA, KGB, Interpol, ACROSS, etc. Appears to be a docile old yet distinguished gentleman-turtle, but is truly the foremost authority on, well, just about everything.

 

Bowser [laughing]: No one suspects turtles!

 

Eggman [sees Mr. Turtle on the streets greeting people, shaking hands]: There he is now, noble as ever!

 

[Mr. Turtle eyes Eggman through his monocle and waves. Suddenly, a band's tour-bus grinds to a halt beside the beloved mascot as several people get out and force him into the van.]

 

Il Palazzo: What in god's name--that's NICKELBACK!

 

Bowser: What do those posers want with Mr. Turtle?

 

Eggman: Oh my god, they must be working for the Moonies! To our vehicles, chums!

 

[The tour-bus speeds off, soon in pursuit by Eggman's Eggmobile, Bowser's souped-up Clown Car, and Il Palazzo's... silver Porsche. The three communicate via installed radios.]

 

Eggman: Okay, guys, keep up to it! Don't let it out of your sights! Remember, there's a well-dressed turtle in there!

 

Bowser [wearing spiffy goggles and a scarf]: Check!

 

Il Palazzo [skillfully shifting gears and sipping his margarita]: Man, I love this thing--I mean, got it!

 

[Chad Kroeger, Nickelback's lead singer and guitarist, jumps up to the roof, keeping his footing even during the chase.]

 

Eggman [eyes widen]: Oh no! LOOK OUT!

 

Chad Kroeger [guitar in hand, starts singing]: ♪♫ I like your pants around your feet! ♪♫

 

[The horrid song is insanely loud, and fires hypersonic ripples at Eggman and Bowser.]

 

Eggman [covering his ears in agony]: OH NO! IT'S TOO SHITTY!

 

[AUTHORS' NOTE: we really don't like Nickelback. But then again, who really does?]

 

Bowser [flipping switches in his surprisingly high-tech cockpit]: I'M PUTTING UP AN ANTI-SOUND BARRIER!

 

[A barrier appears, but is soon overwhelmed by the shitty.]

 

Il Palazzo [listening and singing along to Ludacris's song, What Means the World to You?]: ♪♫ What means the world to me, snapping bras, ménage a trois, what means the ♪♫--

 

Chad Kroeger [turns the sound beam on Illy]: ♪♫ Never made it as a wise man, I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealin' ♪♫

 

Il Palazzo [the shitty overwhelming his senses]: NO WHAT FRESH HELL THIS BE!? [car starts spinning out of control] WE'RE LOSING GROUND HERE, IVO!

 

Eggman [triumphant]: We must COMBINE OUR VEHICLES TOGETHER!

 

[In total Power Ranger/anime style, anime lines appear as each announces their vehicle's name, the rides transforming and joining together.]

 

Eggman: EGGMOBILE! [It transforms, impossibly, to a mecha head, shoulders, and arms]

 

Bowser: CLOWN CAR! [It transforms, also impossibly, into most of the torso]

 

Il Palazzo [sighing, not enthusiastic]: My soon-to-be ruined silver Porsche. [It transforms, again impossibly, by splitting in two and forming the legs and feet; Il Palazzo cringes as it splits in half] AAOOH!!!

 

Eggman [appearing with Bowser and Il Palazzo in the usual Power Ranger combined cockpit]: Together, they combine to make... THE GRAND OMELET DELUXE (GOD)!

 

[AUTHORS' NOTE: this was typed in the morning before breakfast. Plus, you know, Eggman and omelet? Aw fuck you.]

 

Il Palazzo: I wanted to call it the Illy Benedict.

 

Bowser: The time for talk is over! Let's kill that shitty band!

 

Eggman: ONWARD, GOD!

 

______________________________________________

 

COMMERCIAL

[On TV screens worldwide, a little guitar riff starts playing.]

 

Tuxedo Mask [Sailor Moon's well dressed rose-throwing lover who, by all laws and purposes, is a pedophile, seeing as how he's 20-something and she's like 14-15]: Greetings, people of Earth. I am your new king, Tuxedo Mask.

 

Bob [Scottish accent, in a jail cell beside the studio]: Ach, man, you know you're speaking to a rose?

 

Tuxedo Mask [tucking the rose into the microphone and continuing]: Thank you, good Irishman. Anyway, I, your new king, Tuxedo Mask, would like to ensure that the people of Earth understand that we bear you no malice, unless you are involved with THIS man.

 

[A picture of Eggman is shown, standing, foot up on an arm of a sofa, naked, scratching his testicles.]

 

Tuxedo Mask: The rest of you will be spared any and all harm as long as you pledge allegiance to the MooniesDAMMIT I mean Moon Kingdom. At this very moment, our armies are slowly weaseling their way into your governments, bribing officials and sleeping with the head honchos! Also, our armies are chasing down and killing the Eggman entourage as we speak!

 

[Somewhere in Japan, Edge is buying roses to give to Akira.]

 

Edge [grabbing the bouquet]: Thanks, miss! [whistling happily, then turns and sees... an army of armored soldiers with Moon Kingdom emblems and... heavy machine guns] What the!? [a gunshot takes out the roses] HEY! THOSE ROSES COST ME FORTY BUCKS!

 

Sailor Mercury [the blue-haired one, leading the army]: Eiji Yamada, friend of Eggman! We have come for your life!

 

Edge [scared, holding out his knife in front of him, trembling]: Stay back I've got a knife!

 

Sailor Mercury: Now, calm down--

 

Edge [speaking very fast, freaking out]: YOUJUSTSAIDYOUWEREHEREFORMYLIFEI'MNOTCALMINGDOWN!

 

Sailor Mercury: But Mr. Yamada, we can perhaps reach a compromise--

 

[Edge, desperate, throws the knife... into her shoulder. She screams.]

 

Sailor Mercury [clutching her blood wound]: YOU GAVE UP YOUR CHANCE! MURDER HIM DEAD!

 

[Edge, crying, starts running.]

 

[Meanwhile, down the street, Daigo is cleaning his motorcycle, humming a merry little tune.]

 

Daigo [sees Edge running towards him]: That's odd, where is he off to in such a hurry?

 

Edge [runs by Daigo]: BOSS A WHOLE ARMY AGGROED ME!!!

 

Daigo [watching Edge run off]: What the hell is "aggroed?" [turns, sees smoke and soldiers and tanks over the horizon] DAMMIT, EDGE!!!

 

[Now, a few moments later, we see Daigo and Edge running together away from the army.]

 

[Back at the studio]

 

Tuxedo Mask: Yes, citizens of Earth, they will be murdered very soon! And now, some words from your new queen, Sailor Moon!

 

[Spotlights shine on a throne where Sailor Moon is sitting. She stands, gracefully, but wipes out Serena-style on the first step. She falls to the ground, shamefully, ass in the air.]

 

Tuxedo Mask [aroused, cupping]: Hmm... okay, turn the camera off! I'm going to do stuff to her!

 

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to--[static, then Tuxedo Mask's voice] The Moon Kingdom.

 

CD [Eggman's voice, from nowhere]: JOIN!

 

______________________________________________

 

[Falcon's class. Falcon is bloodied and bandaged, and Samus, now out of armor, is there too.]

 

Samus [at the front of the class]: Okay, children, since I've deprived you of your teacher...

 

[Captain Falcon moans in pain, sitting on a wooden chair]

 

Samus [shaking her head]: ... I'll teach for the time being.

 

Captain Falcon [voice muffled]: AW AMUS OO MUS TEASH TILDREN THEY HELPLETH WITHOUT GUIDANTH

 

[The students are all studying on their own, not at all helpless.]

 

Genis [noticing Lloyd very absorbed into something]: Wow, Lloyd, I've never seen you so focused on schoolwork befo-- waitaminute, you're reading porno aren't you?

 

Lloyd [sheepishly]: Um, Genis, is this right? [holds up a sheet of paper showing a complex page of answers involving graphs, trigonometry, formulas, etc.]

 

Genis [surprise]: Wow, Lloyd! How long did it take you to do this?

 

Lloyd [disappointed]: Twenty-five minutes! And only two questions! Oh, I AM stupid!

 

Genis: No, no, Lloyd! This is good! Most people would take upwards of forty minutes on something like this! Granted, you should be at a higher level at your age, but for YOU, this is impressive!

 

Lloyd [happy]: Well, I couldn't have done it without you, buddy!

 

Genis [encouraging]: Actually, Lloyd, you did it all yourself!

 

Lloyd: Alright, in your face Genis!

 

Genis: ... uh-huh... Lloyd, I've been meaning to tell you this for a while. You're carrying your swords with you still.

 

Shaoron [staring at the sheathes from across the classroom]: I didn't know we could do that!

 

Sakura [giving him a light slap to the head]: No, Shaoron-kun.

 

Shaoron [disappointed]: Oh...

 

______________________________________________

 

[Back to the GOD vs. Nickelback chase]

 

Eggman [still in hot pursuit within GOD]: You can't run, you fools! GOD is on our side!

 

[Meanwhile, on the van, two other members of Nickelback, Ryan Peake and Ryan Vikedal, appear on the roof.]

 

Eggman: I thought my plan to make them fire Ryan Vikedal worked!

 

Il Palazzo: It DID.

 

Bowser: Yeah, they're probably just using him for ammunition.

 

Eggman [yells]: OKAY, GOD, SMITE THE WHITE MEN WITH THY HOLY JUDGMENT!

 

Il Palazzo [shaking head]: We so need to change the name of this thing.

 

Ryan Peake: Now, Ryan! Let's get 'em!

 

Ryan Vikedal: You got it, Ryan!

 

Ryan Peake: Ryan!

 

Ryan Vikedal: Ryan!

 

Ryan Peake: Ryan!

 

Ryan Vikedal: RYAN!!!

 

Eggman [they can hear this?]: SHUT UP ALREADY!

 

Ryan Peake and Ryan Vikedal [jumping, facing GOD, somehow still maintaining forward momentum]: DOUBLE RYAN CANNON!!!

 

[The two gather energy (?) and fire a long snaking Hyper Viper Beam-style beam at GOD. The mecha, however, blocks the energy with no problem.]

 

Eggman: You fools! Your weaponry can't harm GOD! Take this!

 

[GOD then delivers a mighty right-handed slap to Ryan Vikedal, sending him flying, complete with "star" effect.]

 

Ryan Peake [prepares to fire again]: Fortunately the Single Ryan Cannon is far more powerful!

 

Eggman [confused]: Then why didn't they just fire two separate--oh, fuck it!

 

Bowser: Give 'em a boot, Eggy!

 

[GOD delivers another mighty blow; a left leg roundhouse kick that sends Ryan Peake flying and doing the whole star thing again.]

 

Eggman [triumphant]: We've almost caught up!

 

[Chad Kroeger mans the roof again, but this time he aims his deadly shitty lyrics at the base of a tall building.]

 

Chad Kroeger: ♪♫ And now I know who you are! It wasn't that hard... just to figure you out!!! ♪♫

 

[The base of the building is compromised and the whole thing starts to fall to one side.]

 

Eggman [worried]: Oh, no! We have to help the people in that building!

 

Bowser: What!? But Mr. Turtle--

 

Eggman [cool and calm]: We must save the people first, so that when we conquer the world, they'll love us! Besides, Mr. Turtle is a master of all known martial arts; he can handle himself.

 

[GOD gets under the falling building and holds it up with its hands.]

 

Eggman [his voice is booming out of the mecha]: I am GOD! I have come to save you! Enter through my fingers, and follow the path of GOD! You will exit through my heels! My body is yours, my children. Hail GOD!

 

Bowser: You're really having fun with this, aren't you?

 

Eggman [giggling like a schoolgirl]: Yes, yes I am!

 

______________________________________________

 

[Some time later, after evacuating the building and streets, GOD searches the river near where Nickelback was headed.]

 

Bowser: Hey, I think I see something in the water!

 

[They land, and Eggman, all dramatic-like, holds up the object.]

 

Eggman: Oh no! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

 

Il Palazzo: Um, Eggman, that's a rag. [points] THERE'S a dead body, though.

 

Eggman: Oh, okay. [investigates the body... it's a dead Mr. Turtle] Oh no! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

 

Bowser [renewed conviction]: How dare they do this to a turtle!? We may be slow and not that smart, but we've lived much longer than the humans!

 

Il Palazzo: Hmm, that's right.

 

______________________________________________

 

[A cliff at sunset. A mound of dirt sits at the foot of a makeshift cross with a cane, top hat, and monocle.]

 

Il Palazzo: Rest easy, old chum. You will be avenged.

 

Eggman [thinking]: Why would Nickelback help the Moonies! They're too stupid to take over Earth on their own! No, none of this adds up at all... there must be... something MORE behind this...

 

______________________________________________

 

COMMERCIAL

 

Tuxedo Mask [again]: Of course, this invasion wouldn't have been possible without the help of our most generous sponsors, the Triad of Evil!

 

Silhouette A [a round-faced man with a monocle and top hat (no, it's not Mr. Turtle) who speaks like a creepy old pervert]: Fufufufufu hello kittens!

 

Silhouette B [a tall man with long hair and a dark heart symbol on his chest]: Everything will eventually return to darkness!

 

Silhouette C [a boy with bright specs]: hahahaha Hahahaha HAHAHAHA!!!

 

Tuxedo Mask: Yes, thank you sirs! What nice people!

 

[The camera in the Triad of Evil's room is still up, unbeknownst to the Triad themselves.]

 

Silhouette A: Fufufufu we must begin the next phase of our delicious plan!

 

Silhouette B: Please don't say it like that. But I concur. We must find the chosen of the Earth for it to all fall into place.

 

Silhouette C: Only then will our grand plan against him begin.

 

Tuxedo Mask: Um, sirs, you forgot to turn off the camera.

 

Silhouette A: Fufufufu, you idiots, cut the feed!

 

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to--[static, then Tuxedo Mask's voice] The Moon Kingdom.

 

CD [Eggman's voice, from nowhere, yet again]: JOIN!

 

______________________________________________

 

Sonic [watching TV, saw the commercial]: Huh. I wonder what he means by that.

 

Knuckles [excited]: Hey, Sonic, we're about to test it out! C'mon!

 

Sonic [shutting off the set]: Coming. Hmm... chosen of earth, eh?

 

______________________________________________

 

Davis [Akuma's cave]: Akumie! Akumie! Look what I found!

 

Akuma [following Davis]: This better be good, Davis--NICKELBACK MEMBERS!

 

Ryan Peake [dazed]: Oh, man, Ryan! Where are we, Ryan?

 

Ryan Vikedal [also dazed]: Looks like we're on a beach, Ryan!

 

Ryan Peake: Ryan!

 

Ryan Vikedal: Ryan!

 

Ryan Peake: Ryan!

 

Ryan Vikedal: RYAN!!!

 

Akuma: Oh, no, they're powering up! This ENDS! [Akuma teleports towards them and hits them both with the Shun Goku Satsu]

 

Davis [noticing airships approaching the island]: Hey, Akumie, take a look!

 

Akuma [shaking his head]: It never ends. There's hard times a-comin', Davis.

 

Davis [excited]: Can we order pizza!?

 

Akuma: Yes. Yes, we CAN, Davis. Alot of it.

 

______________________________________________

 

Oh no! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!