Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ The Adventures of Eggman ❯ Episode 9 - "JESUS, HE'S GONNA RAM IT!!!" ( Chapter 9 )

The Adventures of Eggman

 

A triple team production by:

 

THE TRIPLE PEEPS

Apollo Alexandre, a.k.a. "Grand Master Shoma" (GMS)

Neusa Gaspar, a.k.a. "Judge Neusy"

Carlos Alexandre, a.k.a. "CMA" (CMA)

 

http://www.triplepeeps.com/

 

Judge Neusy: DISCLAIMER: Any characters mentioned in this story that are not the distinctive likenesses of anyone else--including, but not limited to, Sega, Sonic Team, Nintendo, Clamp, Nelvana, Namco, Koshi Rikdo, Capcom, etc.--were created by us, and may not be used without our permission. All characters and distinctive likenesses not created by us are the property of their respective owners.

 

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[In Cronies 11, Knuckles the Echidna valiantly destroys the tri-mecha Grand Omelet Deluxe (GOD). He collapses, tired, some ways away from the ruins of the robot.]

 

Knuckles [breathing heavily]: Have... to... meet up... with... Sonic... and Cronies... grope... Rouge...

 

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[The rubble that was once GOD...]

 

Eggman [tearing himself away from some metal and plastic; his glasses crooked, his suit torn up]: Wow, that was some ride!

 

Bowser [hair ruffled, a few of his back spikes cracked and broken]: I am... in serious pain.

 

Il Palazzo [relatively untouched]: MY FUCKING CAR!

 

Eggman: Nah, I think I see the passenger-side door over there--

 

Il Palazzo [arms crossed]: You owe me a new car, Ivo!

 

Eggman: Duly noted, Illy! Duly noted!

Bowser: Help... me...

 

Il Palazzo: And not just any car. I want a silver Escalade, with diamonds lining the door handles--

 

Eggman [freaking out]: OH THAT'S TOO MUCH!!!

 

Bowser: Seeing... the light... farewell, world... [falls]

 

Eggman: Oh crap! ... There's a rock in my shoe! It's in between my toes! Oh, and Bowser's severely injured.

 

Il Palazzo [helping Bowser up]: Well, Ivo, I hope this display of blatant jackassery has taught you a valuable lesson!

 

Eggman [cupping chin]: You're right! I've learned that GOD should be one robot instead of three--

 

Il Palazzo: ... Amazing. Listen; you have to make amends with the Cronies, team up with them, and we'll defeat the Moon Kingdom together! Plus someone needs to help Bowser.

 

Eggman: We'll need a doctor. A medical doctor. And not a crazy one, either.

 

Dr. Faust [from Guilty Gear, just walking by]: Oh, and I was just walking by, too. [about to leave, when...]

 

Eggman: WAIT! You, with the bag over your face! Heal our friend!

 

Dr. Faust [happy]: OOOOO I just love helping people! [creepy] Let's make sure there's no blood!

 

Bowser [spazzing out]: Oh no he's going TO KILL ME!!!

 

Eggman [laughing]: Oh, Bowser, you and your assumptions! C'mon, Illy! Let's go make right!

 

Il Palazzo: Bowser, you catch up with us later.

 

Bowser [desperate, being strapped to an operating table]: DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE WITH HIM!

 

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Eggman [serious tone]: The adventures... [gets louder] of MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

 

♪♫

Clark Kent's super

Bruce Wayne's Batman

Everyone else

Just looooves Eggman!

♪♫

 

Sonic [pops up out of nowhere]: Not me!

 

♪♫

Everyone who's evil

Just looooves Eggman!

♪♫

 

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The Adventures of Eggman

Episode 9:

"JESUS, HE'S GONNA RAM IT!!!"

 

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COMMERCIAL

 

Tuxedo Mask [battered and bleeding]: And now presenting a new Moon Kingdom presentation featuring the guy who threatened to kill me if I didn't show it: Sephiroth!

 

[Splash screen is shown that says Sephiroth's True Station Square Stories. It is not unlike Charlie Murphy's True Hollywood Stories from the Dave Chappelle Show.]

 

[Author's Note: to make reading this easier, Sephiroth's italicized lines are narration, and non-italicized ones are happening within the scene itself. -- CMA]

 

Sephiroth [gesturing with his hands as he talks against a green backdrop]: You know, being a tailor is tough in Station Square. This city is constantly being destroyed! As a result, clothing becomes torn and tattered.

 

[We see a lineup outside Sephiroth: Tailor of Death, with people wearing torn rags, garbage bags, and all manner of inappropriate substitutes for clothing.]

 

Sephiroth: It's especially tough now that this "Moonie Kingdom" invasion is happening. You'd think people would be more concerned about storing food and whatnot, but they all seem to just go out and get their clothing ripped up and destroyed!

 

Random Person A [loud, obnoxious voice]: HOLY COW!!! [looks down; he's not wearing anything] THEM MOONIES STOLE MY CLOTHES!!!

 

Sephiroth [continuing]: And then there's people with elaborate outfits that are just murder to painstakingly repair.

 

Ky [coat in hand, pointing out where he needs it fixed]: It got torn up here, and here, and here. It's important that the whole blue/white cross ensemble is preserved!

 

Sephiroth [thinking of boning Aeris]: Yes, Mr. Kiske! I take pride in my work!

 

Sephiroth: That shit's hard to fix! But, anyway, then this dude in a tuxedo, top hat, and mask walks in.

 

[Surrounded by rose petals and anime lines, Tuxedo Mask is holding a rose in his teeth and dancing some wacky Spanish dance.]

 

Sephiroth [talking as the above scene continues]: It looked like a fag had collided with Zorro, it did. Wackiest shit I saw that day.

 

Tuxedo Mask [dances as he talks]: Are you the one they call Sephiroth? I require nine dresses for my nine lovely ladies!

 

Sailor Saturn [the dark-haired one with dark powers; pouting]: But Darien, dear, you said that I was your true love, more important to you than your own wife!

 

Tuxedo Mask [again with the rose petals and anime lines]: Silence, lovely shrew! Thy time will come.

 

Sailor Saturn [swept off her feet for some reason]: Oh, my love for you levels up quickly like some easy RPG!

 

Tuxedo Mask [to no one in particular]: And easy she is!

 

Sephiroth [back to the whole green background bit]: The whole thing would've been funny if he wasn't in his twenties clearly trying to seduce some fourteen-year-old.

 

Tuxedo Mask [points at Sephiroth]: You must make my dresses immediately, my good sir! A night of horny love-making awaits!

 

Sephiroth [writing stuff down]: Nine elaborate dresses, three hundred fifty per dress... that'll be three thousand one hundred fifty dollars. Cash or charge?

 

Sephiroth [as the above scene continues, changing to a close up of Tuxedo Mask's face]: When I said that, this look came over his face. [Tuxedo Mask's face gets all contorted and weird] And I'm thinking, "Dood, wha' da fajesus is youz all jivin' out about? I ain't da one wearin' a tux 'n' visor in broad fucking light-o'-day, dig?" And then, he does something stupid... He SLAPS me!

 

[Tuxedo Mask rears back and, in super slow motion, slaps the unsuspecting Sephiroth across the face.]

 

Sephiroth [first surprise as he clutches his cheek, and then MURDEROUS RAGE]: I WILL DESTROY YOU, FOOL!

 

Sailor Saturn [holding her staff or whatever the fuck it is she uses]: Be warned, peasant, that to get to him you must get through me, and that I am the strongest of the Sailor Scouts--

 

[Sephiroth interrupts her by teleporting behind her and, like he did to Aeris, stabs her in the back, clean through her whole body. Pulling out the sword Masamune, letting Sailor Saturn fall, he faces Tuxedo Mask.]

 

Sephiroth [dead serious]: You're going to pay for the mess she's making on my floor.

 

Sephiroth [with a look of disbelief]: And then, do you know what that motherfucker did!? He threw a ROSE at me! A motherfucking ROSE!!!

 

[Tuxedo Mask throws a rose at Sephiroth, one that, unfortunately, catches too much air and falls harmlessly to the floor.]

 

Tuxedo Mask [pulls out a two-way radio]: This is King Stud, requesting backup.

 

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to--[static, then Tuxedo Mask's voice] The Moon Kingdom.

 

CD [Eggman's voice, from nowhere]: JOIN!

 

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[The Eggman Cafe]

 

Eggman: So where do you think the Cronies could've gone? We couldn't even find Knuckles!

 

Il Palazzo: Well, you know them pretty well. If you don't know, let's ask some places around here. Aren't they chummy with that kindly tailor?

 

Eggman: ... Sephiroth? Yeah, we could ask him!

 

Il Palazzo [looking over at another table, pointing to the new waitress]: Um, who's she?

 

Eggman: Oh, she's a waitress I hired a few days ago. Says her name's "Usagi."

 

[The waitress, who is very clearly Sailor Moon in disguise, is helping customers while cautiously eyeing Eggman and Il Palazzo.]

 

Il Palazzo [knows exactly who she is]: Um, Eggman, don't you think there's something odd about her?

 

[Eggman cups his chin and looks at the young lady, with her long blonde hair tied into two "meatball" buns, a long ponytail falling down from each. He then looks at a newspaper showing Sailor Moon. He compares the two, and then...]

 

Eggman [snaps his finger]: Of course! You, Usagi! Over here a moment!

 

[The girl, afraid that her cover might've been blown, walks over.]

 

Sailor Moon [polite, yet nervous]: Yes, Dr. Eggman?

 

Eggman [standing, putting his hands on her shoulders]: You've been working too hard, my dear! I can see wrinkles forming! Go take a break!

 

Sailor Moon [taken aback]: Wrinkles!?

 

Il Palazzo [shakes his head as Eggman walks out the door]: Eggman, wait, clearly you can see this girl is actually your enemy Sailor Moo--

 

[Sailor Moon covers Illy's mouth and drags him into the back room. We then hear sounds of a fight; punches, kicks, pans falling, glass breaking, etc.]

 

Il Palazzo [coming out of the room, dusting off his hands, virtually unscratched]: Fucking bitch! [walks out]

 

Sailor Moon [crawling out of the back room, all bloody and bruised]: Dammit... Eggman assassination attempt failed! Back to the drawing board!

 

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[Sephiroth: Tailor of Death]

 

Eggman [walking in]: Hey, Sephiroth!

 

Sephiroth [pissed off, stitching up some pants]: Oh, thanks alot, Dr. Eggman! Thanks to you and your GOD-robot, business has shot through the roof! I normally wouldn't mind, but so much work is tiring on both my hands and my sex life!

 

Aeris [from the back somewhere, a lusty tone]: Sephy! Come to bed!

 

Sephy [vein in forehead]: I told you, babe, I want to, I REALLY REALLY want to, but I have work to do!

 

Aeris [cute voice]: But Sephy, I'm horny!

 

Il Palazzo [grimacing]: Wow, that was unusually unsettling.

 

Eggman [authoritative]: I'll get STRAIGHT to the point! Sephiroth, we need you to tell us where the Cronies are hiding!

 

Sephiroth [still working]: And what makes you think I know where those damn superhero animal-people are?

 

[The door jingles as a small two-tailed fox person wearing dark glasses with a trench coat and a matching hat walks in.]

 

Sephiroth [notices the customer]: Oh, Mr. Tanzarian! Yours is finished! [he puts down what he was working on and pulls out a couple of blankets] Here you go. Since you paid in advance, we're all good!

 

"Mr. Tanzarian" [who sounds an awful lot like Tails]: Ah, yes, thank you Mr. Sephiroth! Remember to call me about those garments we were talking about!

 

Sephiroth: Of course.

 

Il Palazzo [as "Mr. Tanzarian" leaves]: Eggman, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

 

Eggman: Probably. Who would name their child "Sexburth?"

 

Il Palazzo: No, I mean--SEXBURTH!? [puts hands on Eggman's shoulders] Eggman, for a genius, you sure are stupid. Now, listen carefully. You made it so the Cronies can't go out in public, right?

 

Eggman: Heh heh, yeah.

 

Il Palazzo: You get what I'm saying? About the two-tailed customer who was just here?

 

Eggman [realization]: OH MY GOD! ... USAGI WAS REALLY SAILOR MOON!

 

Il Palazzo [sighs]: Yes, and what about Mr. Tanzarian?

 

Eggman: Who?

 

Il Palazzo [freaking out]: YOU IDIOT I CAN'T BELIEVE I KNOW YOU!!!

 

______________________________________________

 

[Back at the Eggman Cafe...]

 

Eggman [looking around]: Damn, she got away!

 

Il Palazzo [on his cell phone]: Hang on, I have to put more minutes on my cell.

 

Eggman: Okay, so the Cronies are hiding, and they must have a damn good place to hide if THIS brilliant egg-shaped scientist can't find them!

 

Il Palazzo [on phone]: Voice-activated? Oh, shit, this is going to be murder...

 

Eggman: Tails's house was recently destroyed, so they can't be there...

 

Il Palazzo [still on phone, getting slowly more annoyed]: Minutes! MINUTES! ADD MORE MINUTES!!!

 

Eggman [cupping chin]: Tails and Jonny Quest had that fight, so I think the Quest compound is out...

 

Il Palazzo [still on phone]: God, I hate voice activation--NO, I DO NOT WANT TO SET THE VOICE TO CROATIAN!!!

 

Eggman: The cameras I had installed in Sakura-chan's house didn't pick up anything either...

 

Il Palazzo [holding an English-Croatian dictionary]: Hmm, my Croatian isn't as strong as it once was... AHA! This should do it!

 

Eggman: Where else could they turn to?

 

Il Palazzo: AHA! Got it to English!

 

Eggman [blinks]: What exactly are you doing, Illy!?

 

Il Palazzo [holds up a phone card]: Trying to refill my minutes.

 

Eggman [grabs the cell]: Oh, give it here. [Yells unexpectedly into the phone] HeeeeEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeyy!!!

 

Il Palazzo [takes the phone back, listens]: What the hell did you just do--

 

Automated Voice: You have one thousand free minutes!

 

Eggman [with Il Palazzo giving him a puzzled look]: It's my little secret.

 

[Suddenly, the door chimes ring as none other than the third of the trio enters.]

 

Bowser: Hey guys!

 

Eggman: Hey, that was quick!

 

Il Palazzo: Yeah, how was the doctor?

 

Bowser [rubbing his tummy]: Mighty tasty! Waiter, I'd like a drink!

 

Eggman [cocking an eyebrow]: Anyway, where could they have gone?

 

Bowser [gulping down some water]: Aaaaaaah, this is the good life.

 

Eggman: ... Hey, guys, remember when I told you about when me and the Cronies met that group of other guys who were exactly like us, but more polite?

 

Il Palazzo: I vaguely recall this.

 

Bowser: Yeah, that was weird. What was up with that?

 

Eggman [getting into it]: I know! And they had that one guy named Darky the Porcupine who "WASN'T from the Bernoulli Space Colony Ark" or something. That's crazy! Who says shit like that? It was like that one Seinfeld episode when they met their "Bizarro" doubles--

 

Il Palazzo: Oh, you mean the one where George pushed those kids out of the way to escape what he thought was a fire?

 

Eggman: No, no, that's not it--

 

Bowser: Oh, I know the one! It was the Mulva episode!

 

Il Palazzo [pointing at Bowser]: I remember that one! Wasn't her name Dolores or something stupid!

 

Eggman [annoyed]: I just said what it was from--

 

Il Palazzo: What about the soup nazi episode?

 

Bowser: I love that one!

 

Eggman: Shut up, you twits! Let me think... there was Darky, and Spike, and Fist the Anteater, who guarded the mythical crystal in his apartment... I HAVE IT!

 

Bowser: YOU HEARD HIM, WAITER, HE'S GOT THE CHEQUE!!!

 

[Bowser and Il Palazzo run out.]

 

Eggman [glowering at the server]: This is coming out of your paycheque.

 

Random Person G [teenage boy with a puberty-cursed high-pitch/low-pitch voice]: Ouch, sir!

 

______________________________________________

 

[Current Cronies HQ (AKA Former Inter-Companions HQ)]

 

Tails [dressed as Mr. Tanzarian, coming in through the door]: Hi guys!

 

Amy [defensive]: Hey, buddy, you can't barge into other peoples' houses without--oh, it's Tails.

 

Tails: Hi again, guys! [hangs up his trench coat; looks at Shadow] Shadow, put the gun away.

 

Shadow [speaking like a druggie]: Oh, sorry about that man, I'm just kinda MESSED up because of, I, I don't know, this is just getting to me, all this hiding in the shadows, and, and, and all this sneaky shit and shit, I was just shooting, you know, just shooting at the shadows man, THE SHADOWS!

 

Sailor Mercury [bullet holes behind her and in the shape of her]: Yes he has! Now untie me!

 

Shadow [hugging Tails]: I, I'm so sorry man, I-I-I-I-I-I just had to shoot at the--

 

Sonic: Shadow, shut up.

 

Shadow [normal]: Yes sir.

 

Rouge: So, have you found any info out, Tails?

 

Tails [rummaging through towels, revealing documents]: Well, we did obtain large amounts of intelligence from the Resistance leader of this sector.

 

Amy: You mean Sephiroth?

 

Tails [staring at Amy]: Thank you, Amy, for giving away vital information to [points to Sailor Mercury] our enemy!

 

Sonic: Eh, she won't tell anyone.

 

Sailor Mercury [shifting her eyes]: Uh... yes, I won't tell anyone... Sephi-orth?

 

Sonic: See? She won't talk!

 

[Their door suddenly bursts open, watching a familiar red figure in the doorway.]

 

Knuckles [full of energy]: Hey guys! How's it hanging? I'm hanging long, strong, and to the right!! [collapses]

 

Shadow [walking up to the downed Knuckles, and kicks him a bit]: That was vulgar, Knuckles! VULGAR!

 

Tails [walks up to Knuckles, shaking him]: And what took you so long to get here?! How did you even know we would be here if we never told you?! You're not that smart!

 

Sonic [worried]: Guys, he's hurt!

 

Knuckles [getting back up]: No I'm not, I'm just tired. It was a long walk from the hospital.

 

Sonic [shocked]: ... I'm sorry. You went to a hospital? Knowing full well that everyone, on the planet, wants us dead?

 

Knuckles: Nah, I went to an underground hospital. He gave me candy, and he fixed me up!

 

Tails: Who did?

 

Knuckles: Dr. Faust. [opens a bag of candy] Oh my god! FROGGY CANDY! [starts eating them]

 

Rouge [looking at Knuckles with disgust]: I have to sleep with that?

 

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[Inside the Apartment Building, the three of our heroes are walking slowly through the hallways towards their projected target.]

 

Eggman [pulling out a cell phone]: Okay, it's time to call up some allies!

 

Il Palazzo [on his cell phone]: Excel, this is your leader! Gather the troops! [Excel's spaz mumble is heard over the phone] What do you mean "what troops?" You, Agent Hyatt, and Agent Menchi! [Excel's voice again] What do you mean Agent Menchi is sick? [Excel's mumbles again] What do you mean Hyatt just died? Wait, THAT shouldn't surprise me. Okay, fine, arm yourself to the teeth, and launch yourself at the enemy's front lines for the glory of ACROSS!!! [hangs up]

 

Eggman: Ah, got a formidable ally to deal the first blow, eh?

 

Il Palazzo: Nope. She's screwed.

 

Eggman [his cell phone rings, his ring tone is Funky Town]: Ola, putas meu! Oh, hey Akira! [Akira's spaz mumble is heard over the phone] You managed to rally up all the schools together to fight the invaders? That's wonderful! [Akira mumbles again] Whaddaya mean that boring fuck Ryu decided to help out? [Akira mumbles; irritated] WHADDAYA MEAN HE'S A SUBSTITUTE TEACHER? What's with everyone I know becoming substitute teachers?

 

Bowser [loud and on his cell]: Captain Falcon? Agent Shell-face here! [Falcon mumbles] What do you mean I should stop using that name? Anywho, I need you to halt your substitute teaching duties and help us fight the Moonie invasion! ... ... Whaddaya mean you're about to prepare? ... Whaddaya mean you're no longer a substitute teacher, because you beat up the guy who was the original teacher, who was engaged to and having sexual relations with an underage student? ... [freaks out] THAT'S DISGUSTING! I WANT THAT GUY'S NAME, HOSPITAL ROOM NUMBER, AND HIS WEAK SPOTS! ... uh-huh... yeah, they tend to have weak gall bladders... yeah... bad heel... HE'S NOT ACHILLES, FALCON! I'm very sure I can take him without resorting to kicking him in the heels! [calm] Okay, see ya then.

 

Eggman: Now... to the final piece of our plan.

 

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COMMERCIAL

Tuxedo Mask [looking at a mirror, as he applies gauze and bandages to his bloodied face, with his white mask all messed up, suddenly looking at the camera]: Oh, my, I didn't hear you come in. [clears his throat] You ever been in love with a girl, but were too afraid to hit on her because, you know, she's... underage? Well, turn that pedo-frown upside-pedo-down! [shows off his new book] My new book, How to Pick up Underage Girls: From the Playground and Beyond, will turn you into a young-girl pickin' up machine! Just ask THIS satisfied customer!

 

Mr. Terada [the pervo that was dating the elementary schoolgirl Rika from Sakura's school; beat up because Captain Falcon... objected]: Before, I was just a sheltered young-but-handsome teacher who loved children. I mean REALLY loved children. But thanks to Darien's, er, Mr. Mask's excellent guide, I wooed the heart of this little honey. [shows a picture of Rika] She has the heart of an angel and the legs of a young supple pre-pubescent girl.

 

[Meanwhile, Bowser sees this on a shop's TV]

 

Bowser [roars angrily]: DIE, PERVERT!!! [smashes the TV, and the shop along with it]

 

Il Palazzo [with popcorn]: Hey, dood, I was watchin' that, dig?

 

Bowser [genuinely confused, looks down]: Dig where?

 

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to--[static, then Tuxedo Mask's voice] The Moon Kingdom.

 

CD [Eggman's voice, from nowhere]: JOIN!

 

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[Tomoeda Elementary, outside, as Captain Falcon is about to teach another gym class]

 

Captain Falcon [his usual optimistic, heroic to a fault self]: Alright, children! Today's fun gym activity, which will take us well into the night--and several of the following days--will be to FIGHT OFF THE INVADERS!!! Everyone get some armored gear and do a quick warm-up!

 

Lloyd [excited beyond belief]: WOOOOOOO!!! ALL RIGHT!!! [unsheathes his swords] I LOVE THIS WORLD!!! I don't need armor, coach, just let me at 'em! [to Genis] Man, Genis, we are NEVER going back home! WOOOOOOO!!!

 

Captain Falcon: That's the spirit!

 

Naoko [the girl with the glasses that Falcon thought was a boy; raises her hand]: Um, Falcon-sensei...

 

Captain Falcon: Yes, little man!

 

Naoko [angry]: I told you I'm a girl!

 

Captain Falcon [chuckling]: Nonsense, little man! Now flex those manly muscles!

 

[Naoko comically tries to flex, unleashing cute little girlish squeals as she does.]

 

Captain Falcon [cupping his chin]: Hmm... you stay back.

 

Sakura [raises her hand]: Um, Falcon-sensei, maybe the, you know, normal students should stay out of it?...

 

Captain Falcon [still cupping his chin]: Alright, very well! All you normies go and hide! Now, Sakura, Shaoron, Meilin, Lloyd, and Genis! Follow me! TO BATTLE! LLOYD!!! STOP MAULING THOSE TARGET DUMMIES!!!

 

Lloyd [a target dummy's head in his teeth]: YESCH COATH!!!

 

Shaoron [shakes his head]: Hoo boy, so many alien invasions lately!

 

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[Fist's Apartment; someone knocks at the door]

 

Shadow [yawning]: Oh, my, whoever could it be? [opens it, sees...]

 

Eggman: Hey, Shadow, we--

 

[Shadow, now wide-eyed and freaked out, slams the door and locks it.]

 

Sonic [sees the freaked out Shadow]: Shadow, you idiot, did you actually answer the door?

 

Shadow [lies]: Um... er... no...

 

Eggman [calling out]: Step aside, we're coming in.

 

[Eggman and friends burst through the door clumsily.]

 

Shadow [trying to get out from under them]: Help... me!...

 

Sonic [getting ready to fight]: Eggman!!!

 

Eggman [casually waves]: Hello!

 

Sonic [still in fighting stance]: Get ready Eggman...

 

Eggman [waving arms about]: Whoa whoa whoa! Wait wait! I'm not here to fight! We're here to make a compromise.

 

Rouge [coming into the conversation]: What are you talking about? You turned the world against us!

 

Eggman: Heh, yeah that was cool.

 

Il Palazzo [not impressed]: ... Let me do the talking, will you Ivo? Right. As we are speaking, we have agents and allies of our own to fight against the Moonie forces as we speak. We believe that we share a common goal. But if you do not concur, then we shall leave now.

 

Bowser: Yeah we'd really appreciate it if you would help us, though.

 

Amy: How do we know this isn't another trick? The way Sailor Mercury tells us, you three are the bad guys!

 

Eggman: Alright, alright, we'll settle this like men. How about this: a one on one fight, Sonic. You against me.

 

Il Palazzo [irritated]: Ivo, this has NOTHING to do with--

 

Eggman: If you win, we'll help you out, and I'll publicly apologize to the Cronies and the Moonies and confess that I made them all look bad to make myself look good. But if I win, then you are forced to help us! We will KILL the Moonies and you will BE MY SLAVES!!!

 

Il Palazzo [sighs from disbelief]: More... jackassery... as usual.

 

Sonic: Alright! If that means getting the chance to punch you in the face some, then bring it on!

 

[Dramatic scene of Eggman and Sonic charging at each other, fists ready to punch one another, with a dramatic time freeze. Then... five seconds later.]

 

Eggman [whining, clutching himself]: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW! My testicles!!! Why would you do that!!? What's the matter with you!!? OOOwwwwwwwww!!!

 

Sonic [sweat drop]: I only gave you a swift punch... I didn't know that's where I hit you, ya fat sack of crap. [closes eyes in disgust] Now I'm disgusted!

 

Il Palazzo [talking over Eggman's whiny cries]: Well since Eggman stupidly decided to fight you, and lost horribly, looks like we'll be assisting you with your plans. And we'll start his apology speech soon enough.

 

Tails: Well what allies do you have at the moment?

 

Il Palazzo: I have my crack troop Excel ready for action. Eggman apparently has the Gedo and Seijyun High Schools both ready and fighting. And as Bowser told us, Captain Falcon also has some forces to help us too.

 

Knuckles: Well, from that and the others that Sephiroth is getting, then this might not turn out so bad. Too bad we couldn't get like.. oh I don't know, the Avengers to help.

 

Eggman [still on the ground but speaking normal]: Well actually, I did try to get the Avengers on our side. But due to the fact that well, I really pissed them off, I don't think that they'll be helping us anytime soon...

 

[FLASHBACK]

 

Captain America [all leader-like]: Alright, team, we have to deal with these invaders swiftly and tactfully. Something tells me that they aren't like the Skrull or the Kree, and are not here blatantly maliciously, but perhaps out of some sort of revenge--

 

Hawkeye [crazy, talking really fast]: C'mon, Cap, just let me shoot 'em with MY ARROWS! Screw shooting, I'll just stab with MY ARROWS! C'mon, everyone, grab an ARROW and we'll stab together!

 

Captain America: Hawkeye, calm yourself! That attitude's what got you expelled from the Avengers more than once, and is a cause of your frequent high blood pressure!

 

Iron Man [hiding a copy of Tuxedo Mask's How to Pick up Underage Girls]: Alright, people, from what I've gathered, the Moon Kingdom was all nice and peaceful-like until invaded by-- [they all look at their guest...]

 

Eggman: Hey, I had my reasons to attack them, Stark. You don't know their secret agenda!

 

Iron Man: Oh, their secret agenda!? What about your secret agenda of plugging our toilets... with BOMBS!!?

 

[FLASHBACK WITHIN FLASHBACK]

 

Vision [crawling out of the now exploded bathroom; monotone voice]: THE PAIN! I THINK I LET OUT A "BIG ONE!"

 

Hawkeye [walking by; still talking fast; seems more annoyed than worried]: YO MAN WHAT ARE YA DOIN'? This is the HUMANS' bathroom! Androids don't get a bathroom... because androids don't need to pee! You blasted shithead!

 

Vision: I WANTED TO FEEL MORE HUMAN!

 

[END FLASHBACK WITHIN FLASHBACK AND BACK TO NORMAL FLASHBACK... BACK]

 

Eggman [twiddling his thumbs as the Avengers stare him down]: Well, um, er, um, I see, um, well... [points at Iron Man] At least I don't buy MOONIE MERCHANDISE!!! [points at the book]

 

Captain America [disgusted]: Tony, is that a book for seducing youngsters?

 

Iron Man: Guys, it's just recon! Yes, that's a good excuse!

 

Captain America: Eggman, Iron Man, I think you two should leave.

 

[END FLASHBACK]

 

Bowser: You... dumbass.

 

Eggman [laughing]: I got the foremost superhero authority on the planet angry at me, and now Iron Man himself wants to kill me!

 

Amy: Why are you laughing, you idiot!? You're going to get yourself killed!

 

Eggman: Pfft, whatever. It's only Iron Man. The fuck is that tin can going to do?

 

Sailor Mercury [angry]: Enough of this! Eggman... why did you attack our kingdom so long ago?

 

Eggman [starts explaining]: Fine. If you MUST know...

 

[5 minutes later...]

 

[Everyone is in shock.]

 

Sailor Mercury [stunned]: You... destroyed our prosperous, happy kingdom... killed our Queen Serenity, our leader's mother... used our once lavish, beautiful home as a garbage dump... because you and your friends WERE HIGH!!?

 

Eggman [trying to explain]: Hey, c'mon now! First of all we were doped up on ecstasy, and secondly, she fell on her own sword, that stupid whore! That really scared the fucking hell out of me!

 

Sailor Mercury: Still... you were high!

 

Eggman: Alright, but I had to prove a point--

 

Amy [puzzled]: What point? That killing is bad!?

 

Eggman: No, that doing drugs is bad! Sheesh! What a bunch of retards! But even then, these Moonies have a secret agenda! If I didn't stop them when I did--

 

Sonic: Enough, Eggman, enough. I've heard too much. Honor your deal; let's smooth things over between Earth and the Moon Kingdom.

 

Eggman [sighs]: Fine.

 

[All except Eggman and Il Palazzo leave]

 

Il Palazzo: Congratulations, you dumbass. When you read a newspaper article, does it say "I was walking down the street one day, minding my own business, wondering what to write for my next article, when I see a man get shot"?

 

Eggman: Well... it would if I--

 

Il Palazzo [interrupts]: NO! The headline says "MAN FUCKING SHOT." You should've explained the secret agenda FIRST. Dipshit.

 

Eggman: But if I did that, I'd spoil the quintessential plot twist!

 

Il Palazzo [freaking out]: Spoil WHAT!?

 

[They both look at the audience... that they see on the next Moon Kingdom commercial.]

 

______________________________________________

 

COMMERCIAL

 

Tuxedo Mask [greeting an applauding audience on-stage]: And now, loyal convertees, I present the newest member of our cause... Iron Man! It's good to have you here, Mr. Man!

 

Iron Man [waving to the young girls in the crowd]: Um, my name is Tony Stark.

 

Tuxedo Mask: Yes, thank you Mr. Stork.

 

Iron Man: Stark.

 

Tuxedo Mask: Whatever Mr. Zimbabwe. Anyway, I understand that you have benefited greatly from my new book.

 

Iron Man: That's right, Tux-boy. Being a playboy, I often find myself surrounded by mountains of beautiful women. Now that I can add the little ladies to my roster of girls, I can... [realization] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! What have I done!? [down on his knees] How could I have sold my humanity for a guide on how to chase some young tail!?

 

Tuxedo Mask [stupid]: Yeah, isn't it great? What's more, you can actually make them call you Daddy! Hohohohohoho!

 

Iron Man [firing up the jet boots]: I've become everything I've ever hated and fought against!!! [flies off through the ceiling, causing small chunks of the ceiling to fall]

 

Tuxedo Mask [cupping his chin]: Hmm... [grabs his communicator] Sailor Mars, you and your troops are ordered to attack the Avengers base.

 

Sailor Mars [dreamily]: Yes sir, King Stud--

 

Sailor Venus [cutting through the communication, panicked]: Your Majesty!

 

Tuxedo Mask [smooth]: Yes, my insignificant ho?

 

Sailor Venus [nervous]: My forces have engaged in battle with a small group of children--

 

Tuxedo Mask [intrigued]: Children, you say?

 

Sailor Venus: Yes! 4 elementary school children, a young teen male, and... Captain Douglas Jay Falcon!?

 

Tuxedo Mask: Oh no!!! He's been wanting to bust my ass for a while! Make sure to keep him far, far, FAR away from my ass! I need this ass to, well, have an ass as gorgeous as mine...

 

Sailor Venus: King Stud!!! I need backup! I'm not sure how long my troops can -- [gets cut off with static]

 

Tuxedo Mask [shutting off the communicator; disappointed]: It seems that some amongst the Earth population still resist us. But have no worries, for I will sweeten the offer of submitting to the rule of the Moonies--damn, I mean Moon Kingdom. [smiling like a jack-fuck] Not only will you receive $40 and a child prostitute of your gender choice, but you will receive a second child prostitute for free! Not only will this give you more pleasurable options, you can make your two kiddies put on a sexual display for you to fap off to! [pats his groin, and winks] I know that's what I do! And if THAT doesn't whet your whistle, our elite convertees will also receive a `tricked-out' Mazda Sonata at NO extra charge!

 

[The feed shown on the TV says "Sonata(s) will not be honored."]

 

Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to--[static, then Tuxedo Mask's voice] The Moon Kingdom.

 

CD [Eggman's voice, from nowhere]: JOIN!

 

______________________________________________

 

I... AM... IRON MAN!