Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ The Epic ❯ The Soul Calibur and CATS Saga ( Chapter 2 )

THE EPIC

HAMMER AND SICKLE STUDIOS PRESENTS AN EPIC EDITED BY VOLKOV "INTERACTIVE STORY!!!" STARRING A TON OF RANDOM PEOPLE WRITTEN BY LORD FEAR HAKU SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG GRAND MASTER SHOMA SONICMON THE VIEW2FUL AND VOLKOV WRITTEN ON THE TRIPLE PEEPS FORUM IMAGINED BY LORD FEAR AND EDITED BY GREG "VOLKOV" PARAUBEK

I find it kind of pointless to repeat everything I've said before, but there is new stuff to be said! I realize that this story is flaming crazy…so the Sagas don't really end normally. They just drop off occasionally. So…enjoy!

Disclaimer: Any characters not owned by, but not limited to, Sega, Square Enix, Nintendo, Namco, Capcom, Westwood, or any other company were created by us (the forum users) and cannot be used without our express permission. This story is joint property of all the people who wrote anything in it, and the Triple Peeps, who own the forum where this was placed. You steal, you suffer the consequences. You've been warned. Now read and enjoy!

INTERACTIVE STORY!!!

The Soul Calibur and CATS Saga

Guard: Oh no! NOT AGAIN!

Eggman: (yells out) XIANGHUA!!!

Xianghua: What do you want Eggman?

Eggman: I need the Soul Calibur!

Xianghua: I'm surprised you're not after the Soul Edge.

Sigma: I AM!

Eggman: Well, I know that the Soul Edge gives its holder the ultimate power! At a cost, mind you! If I, Dr. Eggman, destroy the Soul Edge, then no one will dare oppose me! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Sigma: Not if I get to it FIRST!! (runs off)

Eggman: On the other hand, he'll destroy the world!

Xianghua: Here. Take it. But ONLY if you're destroying the Soul Edge! (hands Eggman the Soul Calibur)

Eggman: No prob, Xiangs! SUCKER! (runs off with Soul Calibur)

Xianghua: Not again!

[Meanwhile, back at the ARK...again...Wario and Waluigi are trying to run down Skeletor. Wario is using a car. Waluigi has a jet pack. Ominous...]

Skeletor: (runs away; insert little girl scream here)

Wario: (driving in his Wario car from Wario Land 4) GET BACK HERE SO YOU CAN EAT MOTOR OIL!!!

Waluigi: (holding a flamethrower; flying with the kind of Jet pack you'd expect from a James Bond movie) YOUR CHARACTER BUTCHERED THE LATEST SERIES!!! YOU MUST PAAAAAAY!!! (fires flamethrower)

Skeletor: (hides behind wall/looses the Wario brothers {if in fact they are really brothers}) Phew...Lost em...(walks proudly, but bumps into Bowser)

Bowser: (death glare) I incredibly dislike you...bonehead...

[As the saying goes (especially in Skeletor's case), "Fire burns. It burns a lot." Some ashes blow away from what once was Skeletor.]

Dr. Wily: (videotaping all of it) That'll make a nice home movie!

Shadow: Why'd I let him in on this? In fact, why the hell do I even bother with this chip in my...say, where did you put that chip Eggman?

Eggman: (ominously there, as usual) Well, I think I hid it somewhere in your poofy. Somewhere in your soft, pretty poofy...(drifts off)

Shadow: MY POOFY?! YOU TOUCHED MY POOFY?!

Eggman: (quickly points at Sturm, who unfortunately is there at the wrong time; talking REALLY fast) HEdidit!

Shadow: (demonic eyes; charges Sturm) DIIIIIIIIIE POOFY TOUCHEEEEEEEER!!!

Sturm: Eep...

[After a hefty beating on Sturm's unfortunate ass, Shadow finds the chip hidden in his poofy.]

Il Palazzo: WAIT! That means you're immune! You lucky basturd!

Bowser: You ARE the Weakest Link!

Wario: (holding a gun at Skeletor's ashes) Goodbye!

[On Earth…again, for the 1 millionth time. Lord Fear is walking around with his bodyguard, Ganondorf.]

Ganondorf: Why am I your bodyguard again?

Lord Fear: I promised to give you the Tri Force.

Ganondorf: Now I remember…

[The Sailor Scouts appear...again.]

Lord Fear: Quick! Get the horses out!

[Lord Fear and Ganondorf do the Monty Python "Horse Coconuts" thing and slowly get away. Some remote location…]

Eggman: Farah, go fuck Ried!

[Eggman disappears.]

Farah: I'm going to kill that Eggman.

[On the ARK, for another of the several hundred times...Shadow is kicking Sturm's corpse {?}, while everyone else plays Monopoly.]

Shadow: (kick) That'll teach you NEVER to touch the poofy!

Il Palazzo: (rolls die) Six! One...two...three...four...five...SIX!!! And...AGH! I've landed on Bowser's Boardwalk!!!

Bowser: I've got 30 hotels and a 2 rental homes. PAY UP!!!

Il Palazzo: But that's all I've got!!!

Bowser: It's not my fault you all SUUUUUUUUUCK!!! (does victory dance)

[Everyone is pissed, so five minutes later, outside the ARK...]

Bowser: (flying out of the ARK in much pain) RIIIIIIIICOLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

[Back on Earth…Lord Fear, Ganondorf and the now alive Sturm walk around with M-16s {Ed. Note: M-16s are American assault rifles.}]

Lord Fear: Now remember: if you see five teenage girls wearing funny outfits, shoot them.

Ganondorf & Sturm: Ok.

[Some unknown location…]

Big: Soon it will be time to take over the ARK and remove the people on the ARK.

EVIL CATS: YEAH!

Pink Big: Soon we will get our revenge.

EVIL CATS: YEAH!

Big: We will conquer the World!

EVIL CATS: YEAH!

[Some remote location.]

Farah: Must…kill…Eggman.

[Back at the ARK.]

Wario: C'mon, lucky six! (cell phone rings) One second...(answers) Hello?

Wario's friend, Jimmy T: Hey Wario! How's it going?

Wario: You called me!

Jimmy T: Right. Anyway, me, Mona, Kat, and Ana found an entrance to a wonderfully golden temple! You want in?

Wario: (giddy) Does a fat kid love cake!?

Jimmy T: I…guess so...

Wario: I'm coming! (hangs up) So long, losers!

[Wario gets his motorcycle from Wario Ware Inc., revs it a few times, and drives out into space.]

Waluigi: I'm not loved...WAAAHHH!!!

Sigma: Yeah. I couldn't even find the Soul Edge!

Eggman: Well...I'm happy! I got me the Soul Calibur! Now to test it! (looks at it) LOAD THE ECLIPSE CANNON!

[Bowser, Il Palazzo, and Waluigi grab Sigma, and fire him down to Earth.]

Sigma: AAAAAUUUGGGHHH!!! I REGRET NOTHING!!

Eggman: I...I meant the Soul Calibur...

Dr. Evil: How lovely...

Dr. Wily: (in a body cast) Indeed...I wish I never created Zero...He was supposed to be evil!

Silent Bob: (nods)

[Back on Earth…]

Sonic: Things keep getting weirder and weirder.

Tails: They sure do…

Knuckles: Nothing is the same these days.

Rouge: (seductive) I love a man who thinks like that.

Amy: What should we do?

Lord Fear: Who wants a game of 5 Card Stud?

Sonic: Might as well.

[Lord Fear gets a table out. Suddenly, the Sailor Scouts appear...for the 4th or 5th time.]

Sailor Moon: Not so fast!

Lord Fear: Want to join us for a game of 5 Card Stud?

Sailor Scouts: Sure!

[So Sonic Team (minus Eggman and Shadow), the Sailor Scouts, Lord Fear, Ganondorf and Sturm, have a game of 5 Card Stud.]

[On the ARK…]

Eggman: Load the Soul Calibur into the Eclispe Cannon!

[Sigma, who has a new body thanks to Dr. Wily and Dr. Evil, loads the Soul Calibur into the Eclispe Cannon.]

ARK Computer: Not compatible with Eclipse Cannon.

Il Palazzo: Just fire the Random Insanity Machine laser at Earth.

[Bowser fires the Random Insanity Machine. Meanwhile, with Excel, Il Palazzo's head goon.]

Excel: Today, Excel is bored, since Lord Il Palazzo is away and no where to be found. And it seems that Menchi is also no where to be found, and I'm really hun--(gets hit by R.I. beam)

Il Palazzo, who saw that from space with an ultimate telescope: GOT HER!!

[Excel turns into a large PSO dragon, and roars aloud; catches sight of Sakura, Tomoyo, and Syaoran.]

All three of them: Shit...

[Sturm teleports there]

Sturm: Huh? I have to stop teleporting...Maybe I shouldn't have been sitting in the Random Insanity tube...I'm covered in this stuff...besides, I was at 5 card stud...

[Astaroth lunges at the dragon, and grabs Sturm to use as a weapon.]

Astaroth: Go on to class, children. Nothing to see here!

Sturm: Oh god!! STOP!!

[Meanwhile; on the Egg Carrier, where the new base of operations is located.]

Eggman: (drinking a martini) Now this is the life!

Bowser: We can breathe again!

Waluigi: I didn't have a problem breathing!

Il Palazzo: Temple.

Eggman: What temple--YAAAAAAAHHH!!!

Bowser: WAAAAAAHHH!!!

Il Palazzo: AAAAAHHH!!!

Waluigi: WWAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!

Dr. Wily: AAAAAHHH!!!

Dr. Evil: NOOOOOOO!!!

Sigma: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Nightmare: {how'd he get on? Right...had to add another villain} AAAAHHH!!!

Megatron: {ditto} MOMMY!!!!!!!!

Silent Bob: (silent screams)

[At the ARK…]

Shadow: Hello? Anyone? I'm so lonely...

[Back at 5 Card Stud...everyone was clueless because they could not get a good hand.]

Lord Fear: Out.

Sonic: Out.

Sailor Moon: Out.

Tails: Out.

Sailor Mars: Out.

Ganondorf: Out.

Knuckles: Out.

Sailor Venus: Out.

Rouge: Out.

Sailor Mercury: Out.

Amy: Out.

Sailor Jupiter: Out.

Sturm: (whose covered in bandages) Out.

Lord Fear: Let's play "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?"

All: Okay.

[Onboard the Egg Carrier…]

Eggman: The Random Insanity Machine is connected to the Egg Carrier's weapons system.

Megatron: Excellent.

Nightmare: Now what?

Waluigi: Let's play Poker!

Everyone: Okay!

[At the CATS' base…]

Big: Let's play Twister!

CATS: Okay!

[Some remote location…]

Farah: Must…kill…Eggman…

Ried: Let's play Monopoly!

All: Okay!

{Ed. Note: Ok…I really don't have a fucking clue why the hell everyone is playing games. That's Lord Fear's Random Insanity for you…}

[Inside the temple which the Egg Carrier crashed into…]

Wario: (hauling a large stash of gold) Well, got my batch!

Jimmy T: Me too!

Kat & Ana: So do we!

Mona: (looking ahead) What's that?

Wario: (anime sweat drop) Egg Carrier...

[Although the others on said Carrier have not noticed them crashing…]

Nightmare: DAMNED THE HELLISH FLAMES! I FOLD!

Megatron: You fall towards my mightiness, Nightmare! A 3 of a kind! HAHAHA--

Il Palazzo: Straight flush!

Eggman: Royal--DIE!! (shoots Megatron)

Megatron: Stop that, stupid human!

Wario: Hi.

Waluigi: YOU! YOU LEFT!!

Kat: Oh no! An evil robot!

Ana: Time to stop it!

[Kat and Ana grab their katanas and very fast and speedily slice through Megatron]

Megatron: Ha. Nothing at all-(falls to 20 pieces) Well, I think I walked right into that one...

[Meanwhile…]

Sonic: Where's Knuckles?

Tails: He got hit by a random insanity beam!

Sonic: And?

Rouge: OMG! He's acting like an IRS agent!

Knuckles: Time for an audit!

Everybody: AAAHHH!!!

[On the Egg Carrier…{Ed. Note: Possibly}]

Johnny: (from Guilty Gear) Time to get me some gold!

[It's nighttime now; all of Wario's cronies, and the villains, have fallen to sleep; Johnny sneaks around; suddenly...]

Sigma: Need some oil...(gets ambushed by a katana in the back; collapses) Ouch...my back...

Eggman: What's going on?

[Eggman turns on the light and sees Johnny just as he escapes with Wario's gold, Megatron's head, and the Soul Calibur.]

Eggman: Oh no you don't!

[Eggman pulls out a machinegun and lets one rip.]

Nightmare: What weapon is that?

Eggman: Duh! A gun, stupid!

Nightmare: Huh?

Eggman: Right...in that world, there are no guns. OH FUCK! THE CALIBUR! (fires out a grappling hook; gets it back) I love you more than your true wielder!

Bowser: ...Has he been in the hooch again?

[Still forgotten in the ARK…]

Shadow: How do we get down?

Jay: It's alright fucker! Just get in this shit!

[5 or so minutes later...]

Shadow: (gets fired out of the Eclipse Cannon) Save me Jeeeeeebuuuuus!!!

[Meanwhile, in "WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONARE?"...]

Eggman: (the host) Would you like to phone a friend?

Lord Fear: Who?

Wario: (picking nose) What's that abut to collide with our general vicinity?

Shadow: (flying at breakneck speed) -uuuuuuuuUUUUUUUUUUUS!!! (CRASH!!!) OW! I am feeling much paaaaaaaaain...

Rouge: Ominous...

Waluigi: (looking at watch) So...what should be do?

[Everyone looks to the All Big party conveniently located nearby.]

Bowser: (scratching belly) Ask a stupid question...

Lord Fear: Let's play "The Weakest Link"!

All: Okay.

[Anne Robinson appears out off nowhere along with the set of "The Weakest Link".]

Anne Robinson: Welcome to The Weakest Link.

[On the ARK…Big, Pink Big and the EVIL CATS enter the Eclipse Cannon Chamber with the Random Insanity Machine.]

Big: Is the Machine connected to the Cannon?

Pink Big: Yes.

Big: Excellent

[Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, Rouge, Sakura, Syaoran, and Astaroth see a giant Random Insanity Beam heading straight for them.]

Sonic: WTF!?

Knuckles: Time for Team Sonic to stop this! AUDIT!

Tails: We can't take on a giant beam!

[Hits Astaroth again.]

Syaoran: Oh god...

Astaroth: Ow...WHAT AM I DOING HERE!?

Sakura: He remembers who he originally was.

Astaroth: I MUST KILL THAT CHURRO VENDOR! Oh, and something about Soul Edge too...

Sakura: You have to go?

Astaroth: (looks back) Don't worry. Just remember: I'll be right here.

[The tips of his index fingers glow like the color of his throbbing heart, and he touches Sakura and Syaoran's cheeks, something like E.T. and he walks off in the distance.]

Knuckles: (ruining the moment) Sheer plagiarism! TAX HIKE!

Rouge: Ass! He's still part IRS agent!

[Another beam hits Tails, Rouge, and Knuckles…]

Tails: Hey! Where's my two tails!? (turns head slightly to see that his tails are now...let's see... bazookas) AAAHHH!!!

[Rouge is now a stuffed... sex doll?]

Knuckles: (back to normal) What happened? (looks at Rouge) YES! MY DREAMS CAME TRUE!!

[Back at the Weakest Link…]

Anne Robinson: You are all the Weakest Link.

[Lord Fear kills her with a fire ball, and the Sailor Scouts leave.]

Eggman: Let's help Sonic Team stop those CATS.!

All: (with raised fists) Yeah!

Wario: Um, I'd love to, really, I would, but I have to count my riches! For the 400th time! EHHAHAHAHAHA!!

Jimmy T: Remember, Wario, we all took our share of the Wario Ware Inc. profits!

Mona: Yeah, you greedy bastard!

Waluigi: (to Wario's friends) I don't believe we've met! I'm Waluigi!

[Wario's cronies and Waluigi walk off.]

Nightmare: And I need to find the Soul Edge!

Sigma: Well, I'm gonna get that!

Nightmare: FUCK YOU, BITCH!!

[Sigma and Nightmare walk off as if in a race.]

Johnny: Don't worry! I know some people already up there!

Everyone: REALLY?!

[On the ARK…]

Dizzy: (Guilty Gear) Are you sure there's any treasure up here?

May: (Guilty Gear) Probably.

Bridget: (Also from Guilty Gear; note to newcomers, this is a guy) And maybe some bounties up here too.

[They look to the left, and they see a treasure chest; they open it; Lord Zivilyn Bane ( a boss from Skies of Arcadia Legends) pops out.]

Lord Zivilyn Bane: Oh really!?

Three of them: AAAAAAAAA--[Random Insanity Beam]

[Onboard the Egg Carrier.]

Johnny: ...I have sucky subordinates...

[In the middle of nowhere…Lord Fear, Sturm and Ganondorf have started a game of Monopoly.]

Lord Fear: Who do you reckon will win, Sonic and Co. or the Cats?

Sturm: Sonic Team.

Ganondorf: Sonic Team.

[Once more on the ARK…]

Big: Fire the Machine's beam at random places around the World!

Pink Big: Fire the Laser!

[The ARK fires the Laser at random parts of the World…]

END OF THE SOUL CALIBUR AND CATS SAGA!

{Ed. Note: That's the end of the second Saga. That was worth the week long wait, right? Right?! As I've said before, this story will be updated every week or so. And now I must return to my dark lair…}

Coming Soon: Another Saga!