Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ The Epic ❯ The Space Pirate Saga ( Chapter 4 )

THE EPIC

HAMMER AND SICKLE STUDIOS PRESENTS AN EPIC EDITED BY VOLKOV "INTERACTIVE STORY!!!" STARRING A TON OF RANDOM PEOPLE WRITTEN BY LORD FEAR HAKU SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG GRAND MASTER SHOMA SONICMON THE VIEW2FUL AND VOLKOV WRITTEN ON THE TRIPLE PEEPS FORUM IMAGINED BY LORD FEAR AND EDITED BY GREG "VOLKOV" PARAUBEK

Welcome once again! By now you realize weirdness is our trademark. Anyways, I'd like to apologize for some troubles the Epic has had online recently. I posted the third Saga, took it down, reposted, and so on and fanfiction.net was being very sluggish about updating the changes, but everything is OK now. Now, make it so!

Disclaimer: Any characters not owned by, but not limited to, Sega, Square Enix, Nintendo, Namco, Capcom, Westwood, or any other company were created by us (the forum users) and cannot be used without our express permission. This story is joint property of all the people who wrote anything in it, and the Triple Peeps, who own the forum where this was placed. You steal, you suffer the consequences. You've been warned. Now read and enjoy!

INTERACTIVE STORY!!!

The Space Pirate Saga

[In a sunny field, Eggman is pansying around; a demon comes out.]

A demon from Diablo: MURDER! DESTROY!

Eggman: WAHHH!! (fires at demon)

Demon: MY LIFE IS FLASHING BEFORE MY VERY EY--(disintegrates)

Eggman: Where was I? Oh yes! (Eggman continues to pansy around) TRA-LA-LA-(explosion) What the!?

[Our favorite Egg-shaped antihero/villain sees a giant spaceship.]

Eggman: Holy shit.

[And the giant space ship happens to belong to...the Space Pirates who always lose to Eggman and Co.]

Space Pirate A: We're here to conquer the…Thing.

Eggman: This is not a thing, this is the... (Dramatic music) the ARK!

Space Pirate B: Let us conquer your... (Dramatic music) ARK!

Bowser: Get your own ARK.

Space Pirate C: We could but we can't be bothered.

Il Palazzo: Go away.

Space Pirate D: No.

Megatron: Bug off, pirate.

Space Pirate E: Argh No Argh.

Dr. Wily: You pirates are assholes.

Space Pirate F: Us pirates have feelings too.

Sigma: Another chat, its Ass Kicking Time!

[AHEM! SUNNY FIELD!! {Ed. Note: Like I've said…INSANE.}]

Eggman: Oops!

Everyone else: Sorry!

[A giant beast appears from nowhere..]

Kraid: I AM KRAID!!!

Space Pirate Z: OH SHIT! RUN!

[The pirates run from 12-story tall Kraid.]

Megatron: I'll get him! (gets stomped on; explodes under Kraid's foot)

Dr. Wily: Oh my god! You killed Megatron!

[Nothing happens.]

Sturm: God, that's so old!

Eggman: He'll be back in a couple of minutes.

Il Palazzo: It has something to do with the Triple Peeps Forum Members' powers.

[Sturm shoots Kraid with the Random Insanity Machine and Kraid becomes 12 CM tall {Ed. Note: Or for us Americans that would be around 4.72 in} Megatron reappears and stomps on Kraid.]

Sigma: Welcome back Megatron.

Megatron: Thank you.

[Marik enters.]

Marik: Give me the Random Insanity Machine!

Sturm: Well...

[12 seconds later...Marik is in a capsule being sent to Earth.]

Marik: Curse you Strum!

[Back on the ARK...]

Space Pirate R: Shall we start fighting for control of the...(Dramatic music) ARK?

Il Palazzo: Might as well.

Shadow: (staring at all this with a very blank look) Ugh...

Metal Shadow: Shouldn't we do something?

Metal Sonic: (various beeps sounds; Translation: I wish I could talk...)

Evil Monkey: ({from Family Guy} points evilly at Kraid)

Kraid: (all three eyes blink out of sequence) Huh?

Eggman: Personally, I'm not really liking all these pirates around!

Bowser: Yep!

Sturm: Me too!

Marik: YOU KIDDING!? With all these Pirates, and my Millenium Rod, I can control all of the-(gets shot; plops down)

Space Pirate X: (look! it's Space Pirate X! {applause}) Not on my shift!

Eggman: What's happening?

Space Pirate X: Not much.

[And...]

X: ZERO! What are you doing? What's wrong with you!

Zero: I'm infected by the Zero Virus!

X: Which?

Zero: The Megaman Battle Network Transmission Zero Virus!

Zero Virus: Damn straight!

[And the crazy freak Voldo ran out of milk! Voldo, a blind and deaf freak from Soul Calibur; besides, with a strange bondage get up, he can't speak, but moans more worse than an Evil Shark.]

Evil Shark: (Texan style) I demand satisfaction!

Sephiroth: (back, now only with one wing) That was horrifying...

Aeris: (from effects of the Random Insanity Beam, now with a camouflage outfit; extremely hardcore) IT'S TIME TO BUST SOME HEADS!!! (points at Marik) YOU'RE FIRST!!!

Marik: HA! I shall stop you by controlling your mind with my MilAAAAAGH!!! (gets his shit ruined by Boot Camp General Aeris) IT BURNS!!!

Sephiroth: (looking over Aeris) Whoa...I remember why I brought her back with me!

Bowser: Anyone notice they talk too much in "Yu-Gi-Oh!" these days?

Lord Fear: (holding a basketball) Behold! A basketball!

Giant Toast Loaf: THE POWER OF TOAST COMPELLS YOU!!!

Shadow: (backs away slowly from the group) Uh...

Master Hand: I WILL GRAB YOU ALL TO DEATH!!!

Crazy Hand: (going insane) TOO MUCH CRACK! CRACK OVERLOAD!!! (has a seizure)

Giga Bowser: (robo roar) WHERE ARE THE DIAMONDS?!

Bowser: Didn't you want a laser?

Giga Bowser: BUT I JUST GOT HE- AH, SCREW IT!

[Lord Fear throws his basketball at everyone, knocking them all over.]

Lord Fear: Don't call me if you're just going to be a bunch of morons!

[Lord Fear disappears taking Master Hand with him.]

Eggman: Why does he always disappear?

Lord Fear: (Appearing) Cause I can. (Rides Off On Master Hand.)

Vectorman: Word.

[Well...]

Eggman: Oh yes, I forgot I had this! (pulls out Soul Calibur)

Bowser: Won't Xianghua wonder where that thing went?

Il Palazzo: Well, ask her, (points) cause HERE SHE COMES!!!

Xianghua: EGGMAN!

Eggman: WAHHH!!! (runs)

[LOOK! SOMETHING DRAMATIC IS HAPPENING!!!]

Shadow: MUST SAVE THE MASTER HAND!!!

Master Hand: (under mind control of Lord Fear) Save me, Jebus!!!

Shadow: CHAOS CONTROL!!!

Chaos: (bows before Shadow) Maaaaster...

Shadow: DAMNIT!!!

[At Lord Fear's castle.]

Lord Fear: Hands.

[Master Hand and Crazy Hand enter.]

Master Hand: Yes Lordness?

Lord Fear: Kill anyone that comes 20 feet before me except Sturm, Ganondorf, Dr. Eggman, Il Palazzo, Bowser, Sigma, Dr Wily, and Megatron. Kill the rest.

Crazy Hand: Is crack in it?

Lord Fear: No.

[Elsewhere…]

Marik: I'm plotting my schemes, wherever I go.

Eggman: Boy, that's my theme song!

Marik: What are ya going to do about it?

[5 seconds later...]

Marik: (Flying through the air): Curse you Eggman!

[Back on the ground...]

Il Palazzo: You just had to shoot him out of a cannon didn't you?

Eggman: He took my song, it's my song, MY SONG!!!

Bowser: Calm down Eggman.

Sturm: Don't get hyperactive.

Sigma: Keep calm.

Dr. Wily: Stay Calm.

Megatron: Take a deep breath.

Eggman: I'm calm.

Bowser: Let's go to Lord Fear's castle.

All: Okay.

[Eggman, who happily declined the 'going to Lord Fear's castle' offer, is walking around, until he encounters someone.]

Soul Calibur 2 announcer: Not in search of the Soul Edge, this egg-shaped scientist desires world domination.

Eggman: Will you get off my case, Xiangs!? I don't want to give back the Soul Calibur!

Xianghua: Just do it! (draws No Name sword)

Eggman: Is that from Superstore?

Xianghua: (sad) Yes...(normal) Show me what you got!

Eggman: (draws Soul Calibur, and his gun in the other hand) Okay!

[They are about to clash with each other when suddenly:]

Cervantes: (evil undead pirate from Soul Calibur) Arr... I must re-obtain my power!!

Eggman: Shall we?

Xianghua: Whatever.

Cervantes: Oh shit!

[They both give Cervantes a good stabbity death; later…]

Cervantes: (in the air) I'LL GET MY REVENGE!!! (ding)

[At the Eggman Café…the Cronies are at their usual table drinking coffee.]

Sonic: Nothing strange has happened recently..

Shadow: It's boring.

[They drink the coffee.]

Cronies: This coffee tastes like...shit.

Cloud : It is shit.

Tails: That's not normal.

[They drink the shit coffee and all have shit on their top lips.]

Rouge: It's a bit nutty.

{Ed. Note: OK! That is a shameless rip off of the scene from Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me! Lord Fear is entirely responsible for any and all plagiarism! Sue him, not me.}

Shadow: (flies off with hover SOAP shoes) WHEE!!! I remember how to fly again!

Master/Crazy Hand: (floats off, giving the idea of mind control the finger) FUG YOU ALL!!!

Giga Bowser: SUPER DOOM INITIATE!!! (explodes)

Cervantes: Mind if I join your evil group, mateys?

Megatron: Sure!

Dr. Wily: Why not?

Sigma: Always in need of some helping hands!

Marik: Certainly!

Ishizu: (Marik's older sister; nicer and non-evil) It's okay with us!

Sturm: Okay!

[Everyone stops.]

Marik: Why are you here!?

Ishizu: To stop that bitch Kaiba!

Megatron: She's clean!

Dr. Evil: Do you predict his frikkin demise?

Ishizu: Fuck yeah.

Marik: You're all idiots!

[Sometime later at a strip poker game]

Ishizu: Dammit! I fold!

Cervantes: C'mon! You lost!

Megatron: Now show those titties!

[And Eggman and Xianghua were passing by a 7-11…]

Xianghua: (note: Soul Calibur takes place in maybe the 17-18th century) What is this place?

Eggman: It's called a convenience store!

Shadow: (walking out with...erm...interesting magazines) Convenience indeed. Uh... (hides magazines) YOU SAW NOTHING!!! (runs away)

Andross: (Star Fox Villainy-like; Jamaican version) 'Ey mon, get mi a pizza!!!

[At Lord Fear's casino…]

Lord Fear: Now I Own A Casino.

Sonic: That's cool.

Amy & Rouge: SLOTS!!!

[Amy and Rouge race to the slot machines.]

Knuckles: They're going to leave here with no cash, aren't they?

Tails: Yep.

[Lord Fear gets a cannon out and loads it with flyers. Elsewhere…]

Mega Man X: Zero, someone has opened a new casino.

Zero: Let's go see.

[Another elsewhere…]

Sharon: Sakura, Lord Fear opened a new casino.

Sakura: Slot machines, here I come!

Large booming voice: THAT IS NOT A PLACE FOR CHILDREN!

[Sakura and Syaoran turn around to see their old friend, Astaroth.]

Tomoyo: ASTY-CHAN!

Astaroth: Outta the way, you! (uses his axe to fling her a long distance away; explosion)

Sakura: Hi! Um, you keeping busy?

Astaroth: Damn straight! I'm now the 'after' guy in those toothpaste commercials!

Syaoran: How!?

[Astaroth flashes a smile; his eerie pearly whites blind a person leaving the casino.]

Person: AAHH!! IT BURNS!

Sakura: Inhumanly white...hoeee...

[Meanwhile…]

Il Palazzo: (looking at a magazine) Ooo...visually appealing...

[At Lord Fear's casino.]

Lord Fear: Now that all the rival casinos are gone, everyone must come to my casino!

Astaroth: I did what you wanted, Lordness.

Lord Fear: You can be the bouncer.

Astaroth: Yes sir!

[Astaroth goes to, and guards the door.]

Lord Fear: I'm gambling the Soul Edge on my Backgammon table.

Sigma: I'm there.

Nightmare: It's mine!

Eggman: Hmm…the Soul Edge would go with well the Soul Calibur…

Megatron: I might as well try…

Lord Fear: I'm the dealer.

Shadow: (walks to Casino with a bomb) I hate casinos... too much money wasted... (throws bomb in) DIE EVIL FUGGAHS!!! (runs off)

[IMPLOSION!!!]

Everyone in casino: AAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!!!!!!!!!

[The casino is now gone. Deadly...]

END OF THE SPACE PIRATE SAGA!

{Ed. Note: That's the end of the fourth Saga. I'm amazed I've manage to get this far without starting some sort of international crisis. So…yeah. Come back soon! Another saga will go up eventually! Although, I may take a break after putting two sagas up within a week. As always, review! Because, today is a good day to die!}

Coming Soon: A whale! Or two!