Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ The Epic ❯ The ARK Saga ( Chapter 5 )

THE EPIC

HAMMER AND SICKLE STUDIOS PRESENTS AN EPIC EDITED BY VOLKOV "INTERACTIVE STORY!!!" STARRING A TON OF RANDOM PEOPLE WRITTEN BY LORD FEAR HAKU SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG GRAND MASTER SHOMA SONICMON THE VIEW2FUL AND VOLKOV WRITTEN ON THE TRIPLE PEEPS FORUM IMAGINED BY LORD FEAR AND EDITED BY GREG "VOLKOV" PARAUBEK

Welcome one and all to the 5th saga! I should note that the title of this Saga really has nothing to do with the events…but the show must go on! Really, it must. In any case, enjoy another full serving of insanity! Doctor recommended and whatnot! Ahh…just read…

Disclaimer: Any characters not owned by, but not limited to, Sega, Square Enix, Nintendo, Namco, Capcom, Westwood, or any other company were created by us (the forum users) and cannot be used without our express permission. This story is joint property of all the people who wrote anything in it, and the Triple Peeps, who own the forum where this was placed. You steal, you suffer the consequences. You've been warned. Now read and enjoy!

INTERACTIVE STORY!!!

The ARK Saga

[Onboard the ARK.]

Lord Fear: Since my casino got blown up, it is now Lord Fear's ARK.

Zero: Why yours?

Lord Fear: Well...

[12 seconds later...]

Zero: (Being shot out the ARK laser) Save me Jebus!!!!

Lord Fear: Shit, now there's no one to talk to…

[Tumbleweed rolls by. Back on Earth.]

Eggman: Lord F's taken over the ARK!

Marik: Let's pay him a visit.

Lord Fear: (From the ARK) Soul Edge up for auction!

{Everyone who is in pursuit of the Soul Edge heads to the ARK.]

Kaiba: With the Soul Edge, I will become the greatest duelist in the world, and even become better than Yugi! HAHAHA--

Megatron: LOOK! It's that bitch Seto Kaiba!

Kaiba: Oh shit! (runs)

Ishizu: I predict your demise! (runs after him)

Marik: Does it involve me stabbing him? (ditto)

Megatron: Or my Decepticon army!? (ditto)

Sturm: Time to maul!

Nightmare: This is it! Time to die!

Cervantes: Walk the plank!

[And so forth…]

Lord Fear: (From the ARK) Ladies and Gents, I have a new plan! Whoever brings me all the Chaos Emeralds first will get the Millennium Items!

Megatron: Must get items!

[Marik and Ishizu look at each other.]

Marik: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Ishizu: Yep.

[They run off to get the other Millennium items.]

Eggman: Follow them!

[They run off. Back onboard the ARK.]

Lord Fear: With the Millennium Items I will rule the world!

Manga Yugi: No I will!

Lord Fear: Well...

[10 minutes later...]

Manga Yugi: (Shot out the ARK cannon and plunging towards the Sun) Good night Lord Fear!!

Lord Fear: (From the ARK) Good night to you too!

Shadow: (runs past) LOOK! I FOUND PRETTY GLOWY THINGYS THAT HAVE SPOOKY EGYPTIAN EYES ON THEM!

Eggman: Ooo! Launch `em at Manga Yugi who we actually just launched towards the sun and man did this plot go to waste!

Metal Shadow: CHEESE WIZ!!!

[And so, they peg Manga Yugi with the Millennium Items for kicks, which all end up burning in the sun's...burning...ness...]

Manga Yugi: (burning in the sun) AAAAAAAAAAAGHIREGRETNOTHIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!!! (implodes)

Skeletor: I'll take the Millennium Items from Lord Fear and get the Soul Edge and rule the world!

Zero: That's what everyone says.

MM X: It's true.

[Back on the ARK.]

Lord Fear: Let's check on everyone's progress…

[Lord Fear checks.]

Lord Fear: Not much….

Shadow: (out of nowhere) What progress? What are you talking about?! WHO ARE YOU?!

Metal Shadow: (drinks sulfuric acid)

Giga Bowser: Greeeeeeeeeeen...

{Ed. Note: Okay…this is getting beyond weird…}

Lord Fear: Well...

[30 minutes later...{Ed. Note: Anyone else getting tired of this plot device?}Metal Shadow & Giga Bowser have been shot to the other side of the cosmos.]

Metal Shadow & Giga Bowser: Show me the way to go home!

[As for Shadow...he's in the same place as Lord Fear...on the ARK. At the Eggman Café.]

Mr. T: Is it just me, or does Lord Fear keep shooting people out the ARK laser?

Cloud: He does.

{Ed. Note: I was going to comment on the terrible-ness of this joke, but someone beat me to it: "No offense. LAAAAAAAAAAAME. Please deposit 25 cents for better punchlines than you currently have."}

Shadow: (leaps out of the ARK) I'M FLYIN!!!

[On Earth...]

Giga Bowser: HA! He fell for our "We're getting shot out of the ARK" bit!

Metal Shadow: (hugs Giga Bowser) DAAAADDY!!!!!!!

Bomberman: (suddenly rejoining the story) I can launch bombs!

[At {the terribly overused} Random Place!!]

Big: I will rule the world!

[Sigma runs by and chops Big in half with a lightsaber.]

Eggman: I'm the one who will get the Soul Edge after I find the Millennium Items then I will get the Soul Calibur as well!!

{Ed. Note: I'm sorry but the original sentence above was so badly written this may not be the correct translation…also some plot holes seem to be appearing…}

Invader Zim: (riding on his pig transport device) Come, Gir!!! The fanatics are chasing us!!!

Gir: (jumps on the back; crazy laughter) Eeeee-heeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!

[The pig transport device zooms by, slamming into Lord Fear.]

Lord Fear: (flying into orbit) Blah Blah Blah Tower Of Goth Lots Of Capitals...(anime ding)

[Back on the ARK.]

Lord Fear: You dare knock me out of my ARK? NOW YOU DIE!

[Lord Fear slices Zim's head off with a scythe and gets E-101 Mk. 2 to kill Gir.]

Gir: Bye! (explosion)

E-101 Mk. 2: I serve Lord Fear.

[Once again returning to…Earth.]

Sonic: Let's dance like fricken' maniacs!

Eggman: Must get the Millennium Items...

Xianghua: Me too! But what about the Ishtars? They both have a Millennium Item each!

[Both of them have their throats slitted, with Manga Yugi running off with the Rod and Necklace.]

Manga Yugi: SUCKERS!

Shadow: (running past Manga Yugi, snatching the rod, necklace, and his own Millennium Puzzle) SUCKER!!! (trips and makes the Millennium Items fall into a volcano which was conveniently located nearby)

Bomberman: (holding Bomb Omb) Behold! The smart bomb!

Bomb Omb: 2 + 2 = Ham Sandwich!

Eggman: That gag got us nowhere!

Xianghua: Indeed!

[Back to the ARK.]

Lord Fear: The Ishtars will be revived in the next couple of posts.

E-101 Mk. 2: Lordness?

Lord Fear: Go kill something.

E-101 Mk. 2: Yes, lordness.

[Once again on Earth…]

Rouge: I wonder if the Master Emerald would be better than the Millennium Items?

Knuckles: Don't go there. (pause) Don't Go There will be right back!

[Sonic and Tails are watching TV.]

Sonic: Alright Tails, time for bed.

Tails: But if I go to bed, the crazy Voldo will get me!

Sonic: Cute. Now go to bed.

[Tails looks at the stairs to see Voldo, pointing his weapons at Tails, hissing only loudly enough for Tails to hear.]

Tails: AAAAAAAHHH!!!

Shadow: (somehow in the house; looking at this) Well, you got it easy, Tails. There's an evil monkey in my closet! (looks upstairs)

Evil Monkey: (points at Shadow demonically)

Shadow: Right...

Bomberman: (walking through, being tailed by Pommy) Someone get it away!

Pommy: Pommy loves talking about himself! Pommy wants candy! Pommy wants-

Sonic: Tails, you've got that plush toy you've been wanting.

Tails: (grabs Pommy) EEE!!! I name you Jojo! C'mon, Jojo! Time for bed!

Pommy: (struggling) Let Pommy go! Pommy's not Jojo! And Pommy sees it's only 6:00 PM!

Shadow: (blink)

Eggman: ...I'm bored. Let's make a soft porn movie.

Bowser: I'm in!

Il Palazzo: Sounds fun! And visually appealing!

Xianghua: What's porn?

Eggman: I'll explain later!

[This story is our own Monty Python! Triple Peeps' Midnight Carnival!]

Sol: Wait! That's copyright!

[Whatever…]

Knuckles: (busts in rather abruptly) Someone mention soft porn?!

Shadow: (shoves Knuckles aside) GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY!!! Can I be the lead role? Unless it's one of those Man on Man movies, I'm IN!

Knuckles: (sucker punches Shadow) Screw you! I'm the one getting the boobies here!

Shadow: (smarting) OW! Oh yeah?! DRAGON KICK! (super roundhouses Knuckles into a wall)

[This goes on for a while...]

Bowser: (watching; scratches ass) Entertaining...

Il Palazzo: I'll be right back!

[2 months pass…]

Il Palazzo: Got my film ready!

Bowser: Who's in it?

Il Palazzo: Well, its hard to explain...You see, this guy named GMS helped with the casting, and I originally wanted to be a lesbian film, but, boy were we surprised on how well this turned out!

Bowser: Like I said: Who's in it?

GMS: [only time I'm having me in this {GMS that is...}] Well, you know that my favorite Guilty gear pairing is Bridget/Dizzy, so, it's my joint soft porn film, and I cast those two very nicely! (disappears)

Shadow: Oh right! I see...

Eggman: You sicken me, Illy.

Il Palazzo: I don't see you doing better!!

Eggman: I'm working on it!!

Marik: All I have to do is get Ishizu drunk, get another guy, and I got myself a movie right there!

[Everyone steps back. Back onboard the ARK, Lord Fear fires the random insanity machine's laser through the ARK Laser shooting random parts of the planet.]

E-101 Mk. 2: You are a genius, lordness.

Lord Fear: I know.

[On Earth.]

Grim Reaper: Royal Flush!

Cloud: You win again.

Grim Reaper: Of course I won! I'm the Grim Reaper!

[Sephiroth cuts the Grim Reaper in two.]

Cloud: Wow. You killed the Reaper...

Sephiroth: (happy) So I did.

Shadow: (has Knuckles in a headlock) Pick me for your movie, Eggman! PICK ME!!!

Knuckles: (kicking Shadow repeatedly) Don't make me be forced to kick your ass for tricking me so many times, Eggman!

Shadow: (chokeslams Knuckles) OW! DAMMIT, JUST PICK ME!

Knuckles: (puts the sleeper hold on Shadow) THE BOOBIES SHALL BE MINE!!!

Eggman: Hmm...

[Meanwhile, on the ARK...]

Lord Fear: Fear My Inability To Not Resist Capitalizing Every First Letter Of Every Word! Doom To Big! Behold As I Forge More Weird Plots Completely Irrelevant To The Story!

Death: (walks in) It's my ARK now! GET LOST! (boots Lord Fear off the ARK... literally) Now, I shall-(dramatic zoom effect) PLAY SOLITARE!!!

Shadow: (wakes up {He was dreaming? Naaaah...}) AAAAAAAAGH!!! Whoa...just a dream...

Knuckles: (still has Shadow in a sleeper hold) Doubt it..

[At a cliff in the middle of nowhere…]

E-101 Mk. 2: Lordness, we've been booted off the ARK.

Lord Fear: No shit, Sherlock.

[Sephiroth appears…]

Sephiroth: You're the one with the Soul Edge.

Lord Fear: You can have it.

[Sephiroth chops E-101 in half.]

Lord Fear: He was annoying me.

[Sephiroth walks away while Lord Fear plays solitaire. Meanwhile, where Eggman is…]

Sephiroth: Pick me mortal!

Eggman: Sephiroth has the starring role.

Sephiroth: I want Aeris to be my bitch!

Eggman: Sure! (aside) Besides, the best thing about Aeris is that she's almost completely stupid!

Sephiroth: I heard that!

[Suddenly, the Soul Calibur that Eggman is holding begins to glow.]

Xianghua: It's adapting to fit your fighting style!

[The Calibur turns into a handgun.]

Xianghua: WHAT!??

Eggman: Sweet!!

Shadow: NICE!!! Can I have one?!

Everyone: NO!!!

Knuckles: Can I at least be in that movie?

Shadow: STOP ASKING THAT! IT'S MY TURN!!!

Eggman: What have I done!?!?! AAAHHH!!! (runs off)

Shadow and Knuckles: (beating on each other while chasing Eggman) WAIT!!! WE NEED ACTION!!!

Il Palazzo: Now THAT'S just wrong...

Everyone: INDEED!!!

Bowser: OMG! The O.C.! I forgot bout the O.C.!! (runs off)

Nightmare: Prissy valley boy! But that guy's so hot! (Sturm looks at him) What!?

Sturm: Fruitcake.

[Sturm gets impaled.]

Metal Shadow: Wait! I was just conceived through bizarre methods of science! I NEED SOME ACTION TOO!!! YOU!!! (points to Xianghua) YOU SHALL BE THE ONE KNOWN AS MY...what's it called? BITCH!!!

Xianghua: (pissed off; holding no-name sword) If anything, you're going to be MY bitch in a few seconds!

[Both Metal Shadow and Xianghua charge into combat.]

Lord Fear: In one corner we have the metal clone of Shadow, METAL SHADOW!

[Cheering.]

Lord Fear: In the other corner, we have some random person.

Xianghua: I have a name.

Lord Fear: RoBattle!

[Eggman plays the tape that has the Medabots battle theme.]

Metal Shadow: Time to die!!

[He charges, but Xianghua uses a move that makes her spin slightly underneath Metal Shadow, making him hit the other corner.]

Xianghua: HA!

Metal Shadow: Ouch...

[She now starts to jab him continuously with her No-Name, poking his metallic body.]

Metal Shadow: STOP! IT TICKLES! (sees sword through him) OW!

[Metal Shadow short-circuits...]

Eggman: HIS ASS IS GONNA BLOW!!

[And explodes, destroying the entire arena; everyone is covered in soot and pain.]

Eggman: Ouch...

Xianghua: Justice will prevail! (to Metal Shadow's corpse) Just kidding!

Lord Fear: Function ceased! The winner is Xianghua!

Xianghua: I won!

Lord Fear: Your prize is a villa in Eggman Land!

END OF THE ARK SAGA!

{Ed. Note: Talk about your abrupt endings! Anyways, I, along with everyone who wrote this, hope you are enjoying this epic. Come back soon to read some more! And…CUT!}

Coming Soon: More Insanity!