Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ The Fellowship of the Ring (Almost) ❯ I Have a Coupon! ( Chapter 4 )

Chapter Four: I HAVE A COUPON!

[The camera pans to show a CVS somewhere in Middle Earth. Boris is standing outside holding his Dragunov sniper rifle and a shopping list that says "Buy Visine"]

Boris: Vell, the mother land commands me to buy this capitalistic "Visine".

[Boris walks into the store. The metal detector goes off. Clerk 1 walks up to Boris.]

Clerk 1: Excuse me sir, you must be carrying some metal items. Drop all metal items in this tray.

[Boris drops the Dragunov, an AK-47, two Deagles, and about 9,992,334 rounds of ammunition into the tray.]

Clerk 1: Wow. Umm, walk by the detector again sir.

Boris: Capitalistic pig.

[Boris walks through the detector again. It goes off again.]

Clerk 1: Do you have any other metal items?

[Boris drops out another sniper rifle, a sniper crossbow, two rocket launchers, six Uzis, five shotguns and an assortment of ammunition.]

Clerk 1: Well. Try again.

Boris: I'll bury you.

[Boris walks through the detector again. It goes off again.]

Clerk 1: Now are you sure you don't have any other metal objects with you?

Boris: And with all this you managed to win the Cold War?

[Boris drops off a brutal looking knife, two grenades, his belt and a watch. Boris walks through the detector and it goes off again.]

Clerk 1: I'm going to ask you to take off your hat and jacket.

Boris: (While removing his coat and hat) The tanks of Mother Russia will crush you if you don't let me in.

Clerk 1: Attempting to threaten me with nuclear annihilation won't get you in faster. Now walk through the metal detector again.

[Boris goes through again. The detector, yet again, sets off the alarm.]

Boris: What is wrong with this thing?

Clerk 1: Take off your boots.

[Boris takes off his boots and throws them at the clerk. Both boots bounce of the Clerk.]

Clerk 1: That is no way to treat the employees of CVS!

[Boris walks through the detector, wearing only his pants, which are starting to slide down, his socks and a light T-shirt. The alarm doesn't go off.]

Clerk 1: Welcome to CVS! Enjoy your shopping experience!

[Boris starts to walk along the aisles holding his pants up with one hand. Time passes. The sun rises and sets outside. Boris' eyes are now bloodshot.]

Boris: (Muttering) But it's medication…why isn't it in the medication aisle? Why isn't like the Homeland? There you get what you want. YOU! CAPITILIST PIG-DOG! WHERE IS THIS AMERICAN "VISINE"?

Clerk 1: It's in the Coloring Book isle. Where the hell else would it be?

Boris: COLORING BOOKS? SAURON'S WRATH WILL DESCEND ON THOSE WHO MOCK HIS MINIONS!

Clerk 1: Seriously, Visine is in the coloring book aisle.

[Boris suspiciously walks into the coloring book aisle, and picks up the Visine. He then head to the counter where Clerk 1 is now standing.]

Boris: Ok. I have this "Visine", a "CVS ExtraCare card" and this foreign "coupon". So how much does this thing cost? 20 roubles? 40 roubles?

Clerk 1: Look, the coupon isn't redeemable if you use the ExtraCare card.

Boris: Where does it say that?

Clerk 1: (Pointing to the infinitesimally small typing on the coupon) Right there stupid.

Boris: That's the expiration date. What does that have to do with anything?

[Clerk 1 motions at a second clerk who walks up. Clerk 1 whispers to Clerk 2. Clerk 2 steps up to the counter.]

Clerk 2: Look, "comrade", you use the coupon or the ExtraCare card, not both.

Boris: Fine! I'll use the coupon!

Clerk 2: I'm sorry sir. If you have the ExtraCare card on your person, then you have to use that.

Boris: (Starting to get annoyed) FINE! I'll use the card!

[Clerk 2 rings up the item.]

Clerk 2: So, how are you paying for this?

Boris: I'll pay with the Lord-and-MasterCard.

Clerk 2: I'm sorry, we don't accept that here.

Boris: LOOK AMERICAN PIG MONKEY! YOU CAN ONLY PUSH THE AGENTS OF THE MOTHERLAND SOO FAR!

Clerk 2: If you don't calm down I will kick you out of the store.

Boris: HERE! TAKE THIS MONEY! TAKE! TAKE!

[Boris hands over some money]

Clerk 2: What the heck is this?

[The clerk holds up the money which turns out to be Russian roubles which are barely worth anything.]

Clerk 2: Is this a forgery? What are you trying to do buddy?

Boris: DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

Clerk 2: A very unruly customer. I'm going to have to call security on you.

Boris: I AM ONE OF SAURON'S NAZGUL! I WILL CRUSH YOU IF YOU DON'T SELL ME THIS VISINE!

Clerk 2: SECURITY!

[Security guards rush out from all over the place swarming towards Boris.]

Boris: For Mother Russia!

[Boris begins to battle the guards. Think the battle from Kill Bill Volume 1 against the Crazy 88s. After several minutes of fighting, the guards are all dead and/or bleeding profusely all over the store. Everyone is ankle deep in blood.]

Boris: NOW GIVE ME THE VISINE!

Clerk 2: Do I have to call the cops on you?

Boris: THAT'S IT!

[Boris disappears in flames. He reappears dressed in the black cloak of the Nazgul. He pulls out an immense sword and brings it down on the counter. He grabs the Visine and walks out the store grabbing all the stuff he took off at the beginning.]

Clerk 2: Hey! Mister! You're shoplifting!

Boris: DA! I AM! WHAT WILL YOU DO YOU AMERICAN PANSY?

Clerk 2: Don't push me!

[Suddenly the back wall of the store collapses and an Apocalypse tank from Red Alert 2 comes crashing in.]

Clerk 2: Hey! Tank! That is so not part of the parking lot!

[Boris walks out of the store, setting off the alarm.]

Clerk 2: That's shoplifting! Come back! And you! Stop that tank! Hit reverse! NOW! I'M WARNING YOU! Eeeep….

Tank: KABOOM!!

[Boris is seen on top of a hill. Behind him, the CVS has disappeared beneath a mushroom cloud.]

Boris: How did they win the Cold War?