Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ The Fellowship of the Ring (Almost) ❯ The Restrooms of Middle Earth ( Chapter 6 )

Chapter Six: The Restrooms of Middle Earth

[The Fellowship is heading south towards Mordor. Suddenly, they wind up in the midst of a HUGE traffic jam (I'll just say they're near Boston), and slowly crawl forward. Tails starts to look agitated.]

Tails: Uh…can we…you know…stop?

Sonic: Why?

Tails: I…uh…need to…you know…

Knuckles: HE NEEDS TO POOP!

Shadow: (Clutching ears) Christ! Stop yelling! My goddamned ears…

Tails: Nah, its just number one.

Sonic: Forget it Tails, you just didn't have to drink 20 gallons of ice cold, refreshing Vanilla Coke (Author's Note: Vanilla Coke…froth. Heaven on Earth) before we left.

Tails: But…Gordon told me to! Right?

Gordon: (Silence)

Rouge: Would you stop trying to pin everything on Gordon?

Tails: But…

[The Fellowship glares at him; sensing he has lost, Tails clams up. Time passes. The Fellowship has moved a grand total of 2 miles since sunrise. Tails is squirming around in the backseat.]

Shadow: (Pointing out the window)…And that's the world's largest waterfall! Tails! Look at all that water rushing off the edge! Gallons upon gallons…

Tails: SHUT UP!!!!!! I REALLY need to pee! STOP THE CAR!

Sonic: (Annoyed) YOU KNOW WHAT, FINE!!

[Sonic pulls the Fellowships' car into a conveniently located rest area/food court. Featuring the yummy delights of McDonald's and the refreshing coffee of Dunkin' Donuts! (Shameless plug has ended)]

Tails: Finally!

[Tails jumps out of the car. He sprints towards the Rest Rooms, hands between his legs. Knuckles thinks he has a chance to hit on Rouge.]

Knuckles: (Suave) Hey Rouge! Did I tell you about the time when I saved the Master Emerald from a super powered thief?

Rouge: (Not impressed) My hero…

Sonic: You know Knuckles, that was a rabbit.

Knuckles: Shut…up…Sonic…

[Rouge shakes her head sadly]

Amy: Talking about rabbits, has any one seen Cream since she left to visit Knuckles on the Floating Island?

[Silence. Slowly, realization hits the Fellowship.]

Shadow: Who's this "Cream"?

Sonic: Never heard of her.

Rouge: Wow Knuckles, you really have some skill…

Knuckles: Hey! I saved the Master Emerald!

[Before anyone can reply, Tails comes running back out, hands between legs, looking like he is about to explode.]

Tails: HOW IN HELL DO WE PEE?!?!

[Awkward silence.]

Knuckles: Now that you mention it…

Sonic: I really don't know how to pee. The idea never struck me before.

Tails: Well find out quick or I'm gonna piss my pants!

Shadow: Tails, you aren't wearing pants.

Amy: ACCK! PERVERT!

Sonic: Wait! I'm not wearing pants!

Knuckles: Me neither! Feels liberating!

[Rouge slaps Knuckles]

Shadow: Idiots! None of us male furry animal things have pants!

Sonic: But the girls have clothes! What gives?

Knuckles: Because they've got boobs! At least Rouge does…

[Rouge boots Knuckles in the…balls? (Question: Do they have balls? Discuss.)]

Rouge: Pervert…

Amy: I do too have boobs! They're just small…

Tails: (Looking hopeful) They're big enough for me!

[Shadow slaps Tails]

Sonic: OK, Gordon is the only guy here with clothes…so, WHY DON'T I HAVE PANTS?!

Gordon: (Silence)

Tails: RIGHT…This doesn't solve my bathroom problem!

Sonic: Just keep heaving and something will give.

Shadow: God, does that sound wrong!

[Suddenly, Omochao appears out of nowhere.]

Omochao: To pee, press the "P" button on the Sega Dreamcastâ"¢ video game system's controller.

Knuckles: Acck! (faints)

Tails: (About to lose it) WHAT CONTROLLER?! THERE IS NO CONTROLLER!

Omochao: Well, that's all I can do for you.

[Omochao floats away. Yoda meanders out of the Dunkin' Donuts and walks over to the Fellowship.]

Yoda: Sit on toilet, you must. Grunt and heave, yes. Poop or do not poop, there is no try.

Rouge: What is it with these random character appearances?

Shadow: It lets us drag this scene out.

Rouge: Oh.

Knuckles: (Woozy) I'll…drag…Rouge…out…

[Rouge kicks Knuckles right into the car door]

Tails: Please! I really need to go…then I need some pants…

Sonic: (Sudden burst of inspiration) Tails, have you ever gone to the bathroom before in your life?

Tails: No.

Sonic: See! You don't need to go the bathroom!

Tails: Oh. (pause) OK, let's go!

Shadow: That was a waste of time…We have to destroy the One Ring before Sauron's minions find it, and we're HERE discussing whether or not we need to freakin' pee!

Amy: Yeah, can we go? This conversation went downhill about a page ago…

[The Fellowship piles into the car, dragging the unconscious Knuckles in.]

Yoda: Still owe me insurance money you do! Pay me you will! DO NOT INVOKE THE WRATH OF YODA!

Tails: Can we go? He's starting to scare me.

[The Fellowship drives off at top speed leaving Yoda covered in dust.]

Yoda: BASTARDS!